I Live In a Sexless Marriage Forum & Chat Board | What Are The Odds ?

Disclaimer - personal opinion is that it is not a real good idea for someone to bale on a marriage on the basis of having another person lined up. In other words, to leave someone for someone. I am happy to debate this position, but not on this thread. That said, let us proceed.


Oftentimes in our group, we hear members in a state of anguish about whether there is anything better (than their dud spouse) out there.

Dysfunctional marriages **** with your head, get you thinking weird ******, get you makinguninformed choices which feed back into the dysfunctional loop.

** like "I couldn't do any better than the dud I've got".

I invite the members to challenge their thinking about the truth or otherwise of this position.

There are near enough to 35,000 members of this group, roughly 17,500 men and 17,500 women.

Unless you have been here since day #1, you are NOT going to know much about all of these people. But if you have been here a while, you likely have got to know quite a few members through their posts, and formed some sort of opinion about what they are like from their stories, their comments and replies, their forum posts and maybe their blog, maybe even by private conversations. Maybe by going to the Texas gathering even.

How many of the people (of your opposite sex) you have formed some sort of opinion about have come across as complete duds ?

I am betting, "not a lot".

I would then suggest to you, that the membership of ILIASM is a reasonable representative sample of society in general, and of the general standard of people out there in the wider world.

I am suggesting to you, that the wider world is NOT infested with dysfunctional idiots like your present spouse. I am suggesting to you that the dysfunctional idiot content of wider society is not anywhere near as high as you might be thinking / fearing.

I am further suggesting that if you deliberately went out on a determined search to find another person who is as big a dickhead as your current spouse, you would be in for a pretty long and arduous search before you found such a "prize". You would likely have to get to know and evaluate 100 people before you uncovered another - equal in dickheadedness to your present spouse.

Indeed, I reckon you could probably walk into a pub, blindfolded, and pick something way way better than what you've got in minutes.

Your thoughts ??

Tread your own path.

 

omigosh thanks for my first laugh of the day. yep i am betting you're right and there's definitely a lot better out there in that wide world. now as to a long arduous search to find someone just as d1ckheaded as my current dud: *snort!* ummmmm....i am seriously considering boy (nah, make that, MAN) toys for just a bit. leastaways till i get my head back straight (aforementioned fvcked up thinking processes) and my new family (me n my lil darling) re-settled.


i will just call it extracurricular research. grin.

 

I think the percentage of posters who discuss being in their second SM would require your premise to be tempered.  Unless we change our behaviors and improve our self esteem, we are at risk for choosing another partner that would result in a SM.  That's not to say we will definitely choose another dud, or be chosen by another dud, it's to say that we need be aware.

 

In terms of deserving another dud or nothing better than that dud... I see clearly that the vast majority of my ILIASM friends are amazing, beautiful people.

I'm one of a small group who has been in the simultaneous presence of 20+ ILIASM friends at once (in Dallas) and for a long 3-4 day weekend plus assorted meetups here and there.  At the meetup what we all kept remarking on was "Wow.  Look at how engaging, attractive and intelligent this group of people is.  This is definitive proof that it "wasn't us".  It was them."

 

The "odds" are good that until you love yourself more fully and become authentic, that you will still choose someone who is not quite right in this or some other way. Seeking our love and happiness externally, at some point, always fails.

Look within

Love within

share within

Enjoy and love every moment, enjoy the journey, everything is "impermanent" .



Not sure what the "odds" are with the next mate but, am damn sure about the "odds" on getting myself "stuck" again.

 

based on my personal experience---I have had two flings and one great relationship since leaving my SM in July---it would in fact be very hard to find someone like my H, even if I wanted to. The thing that is hard to grasp when you are in a SM is that this type of refusing is SO EXTREME. It's completely abnormal in the rest of the world. We just get inured to how bizarre it is because it becomes our normality. 

It seems to me that most people want to have sex on a regular basis, whether that's every day or once a month. The trick is just finding someone that matches your drive. VERY FEW people NEVER want to have sex. Not just a dry spell, but serious issues that cause their spouses to post stories here. ;)