I Live In a Sexless Marriage Forum & Chat Board | women refusing to have sex with their husband

Just a thought-are there any women out there who refuse sex to their partner, this forum has a lot of men and women complaining about their partners refusing sex, but can any women give their reasons for refusing so the men can understand? my wife has refused for nine years but won't discuss it.

One of the reason a woman may refuse sex is because she may not be getting the intimacy she needs. Meaning the "intimacy" that she received ,that you gave before you got married. When you wasn't married, you probably did any and everything just to get her in bed. Now that you have her.. Your effort is less. And that's the biggest TURN OFF!And I can honestly speak this from my own personal experience. My husband use to do any and everything just to get some.. And now it's less effort on his part. He just wants to jump right into sex and it anit going down like that, so I don't want it. And My body is not there... So I refuse! With women things are more mental than anything. If a women is not feeling mentality well about her marriage or  relationship, it effects everything physical. Woman want to feel loved. We are emotional. We want to be caressed, we want to be held , kissed. Allot of times we already feel self conscious, and men don't make it any better. So if you wife is refusing you. Check your self to see what "YOU" are doing wrong.. Ask you self, Am I'm giving her four-play? Did I set the mood right for her, did I make her feel as if she's the sexiest woman in the world... Is she mad at me? Is she tired with the kids (if any) Take the time out to ask your wife, what's going on.  We're very  talkative, so if you take the time to listen as much as you complain, I'm sure you find out the real reson why she is refusing you.     If you answered no to any of these things the hell there's your answer.

Maybe there is a man out there who might comment on why men refuse to have sex with their wives??

Suga747 -

I think I love you. Can I set you on my OH please??

suga747 you are right that there are some men out there like that but personaly I would do anything for my wife but still she would come near me. I lost wieght went to the gym, look after ours children so she can go out with friends, work huge amounts of overtime so we can have extra money and all I get is "I am tired, I am ill or maybe tomorrow". I can honestly say I have tried everything. Speaking to her making her feel good even not putting her under pressure for sex and none of it works. I love my wife more than anything but feel rejected time after time. I think she is being all about her she even told me once "sex is not an important part of a relationship". The only thing I can think of is it is me and there is some magic and completly unobtainable thing I can do to change.

I have been married for 17 years now and the last ten have been hell for sex. At this point in our marriage, I dont want to try anymore.  I am shot down everytime I ask for sex that it is not worth the hurt to ask. That's why men stop asking for sex.  Shot down to many times.

I have been married for 17 years now and the last ten have been hell for sex. At this point in our marriage, I dont want to try anymore.  I am shot down everytime I ask for sex that it is not worth the hurt to ask. That's why men stop asking for sex.  Shot down to many times.

I have been married for 17 years now and the last ten have been hell for sex. At this point in our marriage, I dont want to try anymore.  I am shot down everytime I ask for sex that it is not worth the hurt to ask. That's why men stop asking for sex.  Shot down to many times.

Suga747 you have given me something to think about. I haven't done alot to romance my wife lately.

Thats it........I also gave up...Too many "not tonight dear" nights....Its not worth trying anymore as I'm weary of the let down.   I am ready for an affair...It would devastate my wife mentally but sexually  I don't think she cares anymore.  The worst part is seeing all these commercials, TV shows, movies etc where the woman is so sexual & is dying to get their man to bed.  I would surely like to live that life!

Well I've been on both sides of the fence, I lost all want/need for sex (even taking care of myself....) when I was with my first husband.

I was young and we had two babies one right after the other. At the begining we were like rabbits, but he cheated on me one time (before we married and before kids) and that started my downfall with sex with him. I forgave him, but sex was hard for a while because the trust was gone and I had mental pictures of the affair. Once kids came into the picture, and we were married, he began to show the irresponsible side of himself big time, I began to lose respect for him too. Then he cheated again not long after our second son was born.

I forgave again but he never stopped 'seeing' her (they went to the same art school), they both said they were just friends and I shouldn't tell him who to be friends with..... I didn't let him walk all over me we fought hugely over it. So yeah you can see how I would get to the point where I had no desire for him after awhile. He was VERY sexual and so was I but it was as if someone had shut off my switch, I didn't want it or think about it. It surprised even me because I've always had a healthy libido, so I wondered how I could go from that to nothing too. We split after 6 years.

My life changed when I met my current husband, as I've said, I've always been a sexual person, he's 'less so' as far as desires for it goes, his other attributes more than made up for it.  I could tell we may have a problem with differences early on in the relationship, but we talked more and seemed to be able to get past the issues, plus sex was regular and great (It's still great just not enough which makes it hard for me!) so I had no issues with the amounts, it's the emotional connection for me too that makes it special.

So as some of the women have said, work on the emotional asspect as much as possible, let your wives know how you feel as much as possible without the pressure of sex. If you feel you're doing all that and it's still not working, it's time for "the talk"......where you make it clear how living like this isn't working for you despite the love. Looking into yourself to see what YOU might be doing to shut her down is something to try, but as with a lot of us here it could also be something JUST with them. Some people aren't as sexual, and may actually not want/like sex. Some may be having issues with the relationship and the result is no desire, like I was with my first husband

I've been with my husband 15 years, and close to half of that time our sexual issues have gotten to the point where I'm contemplating the need to leave if things stay the same.  I feel terrible saying that but it's become a matter of sanity for me, as so many of the stories on here express so well, the pain and loneliness, resentment and anger, become all you feel, it poisons the relationship. My husband's way of dealing with our issues is to act like they don't exsist, even after we've had numerous talks about things.

For me there's nothing more painful than laying in bed next to my man and knowing that if I wanted to reach over and touch him he'd more than likely have some excuse to not want to be intimate. Yet I've never refused him, and there are times I'm tired and not thinking about sex, but if he's interested I take "advantage of it". I wake up and I'm there for him, and it's not a 'chore' for me to do this, I always enjoy myself once we get started. I've wished so many times he could give to me the same way.......he seems to enjoy sex when we do have it, he just doesn't want it like I do and has no problems saying no in a multitude of ways.....

Good luck and I hope you find the answers to your problems, I'm still searching after all these years. 

Sorry this is so long :)

Unless he is a poor surgical risk, he can get a penile implant. I would recommend the three piece unit. Sex is good for the heart as it is purely an aerobic exercise and best of all, no more worries about failing to get it up! My problem is there's no such fix for women. I have the will and the way but no one to do it with.

So you had sex for 7 years? To me that sounds pretty good. I've been married for 1 year and we had a child before we got married (planned but against my better judgement). Since then "having sex with my husband" is right up there on my wife's "thing to do list" with "poke myself in the eye with a rusty nail." My son is 2 now and sex is almost non-existant. What is certain is that if I make the suggestion or even if I think I'm getting a signal and I act upon it then I will be brushed off, then I get down upon myself for being so stupid because I know it's never going to happen. It's like banging your head against a brick wall thinking "maybe this time it will fall down and there will be a beautifull garden behind it". I am an idiot for having hope. The only time we make love (well it's just sex for her) is when she ovulates 1 day per month and then she comes to me purely to satisfy her own craving. Other than that there is no intimacy whatsoever. It's really destroying my soul and self esteem.

Hi Suga747,

I'm going to chime in with some of the guys here and my apologies to any ladies here who might find this a bit... offputting, but I'm going to write this from the guy's perspective. It's the only one I have.

How about US? Ok, yes... romance and being told that you're beautiful and wonderful. Who wouldn't want that? Here's the thing... WE wouldn't mind that!

I feel like all the work to make my sex life function (even on even the most anemic level) falls to me and me alone. It's always me who initiates. It's me who needs to make sure that she's happy. It's me who need to make the day absolutely perfect in the hopes that it might lead to a sexual encounter with the woman I married. I'm not saying that marriage means that the guys don't have to try anymore but I want you to consider something, and this is from the "guys only" play book so I might get my union papers revoked over this...

When you "make" a guy jump through hoops in order to have a chance to get into your pants, you are making him feel badly about himself. The lesson that you are teaching him is that he is not good enough on his own and needs to bribe you to have sex with him. It makes everything we do disingenuous. Why am I buying her flowers? Because she likes flowers or because I might finally get some action? Was I complimenting her because she deserved it or because I might get lucky?

You see what that does? It takes an otherwise selfless act (getting flowers, compliments, gifts, etc) and changes the intent. At one point I stopped both begging for sex and trying to go the extra mile to make her happy because I didn't like what I saw when I looked in the mirror. When you make benchmarks that need to be met before sex can occur, you make them a trained monkey and you the prostitute. They are simply paying you for the service. 

I'm not saying that you shouldn't expect a good and positive interaction with your husband or wife. Just that sex is, in my opinion, higher on the list of catalysts than you put it. If the sex is good and its frequency often, then the pressure of having to "make it happen" is removed. This take trust. You have to trust that he will continue to not take you for granted and make your happiness as important as his own and in turn, he needs to trust that you won't push him away when he feels sexually attracted to you. With out both, things will never run smoothly and some break down is likely to occur. 

Again, my apologies if I put anyone's nose out of joint.

Very well said Quietman, you're my hero

i have tried all the romantic things to get my hubby in the mood;

candle lite dinners, sexy lingere, i give him alot of attention and affection, meaning kisses and hugs for no reason except to show him i love him. i have even gotten him cards for no reason other than to say I LOVE YOU! but nothing works so what do you do then?

i am in my prime so i am a very sexual woman... and he used to be the same way but since he quit drinking he says hes not in the mood anymore and he has no desire for sex anymore.. he even said I DON"T LOOK AT WOMAN THE SAME WAY I USED TO! what does that mean i know hes not gay and he doesn't have ed because when we do make love he has np getting an arrousal...

i am more attracted to him now that he is sober than when he was drinking everyday... i actually got scared the other night because he had had a very bad day and he said to me CAN I JUST GO GET SOME WINE COOLERS? i had very mixed emotions about that:::::

1. i didn't want him to/but on the other hand i knew if he did he would have his desire back.

2. i can't stop him if he wants to drink,,, i didn't cause, i can't control what he does.

its really hard knowing that alcohol can have so much control of a person and theie emotions and feelings... al a non has taught me alot of things about it and i'm very thankful for them.

no he didn't drink but knowing he wants to is very scary...

best of luck to all

Stickupforme, good post.  Speaking as a man, you sound like the sort of woman a healthy man might get to meet...in heaven!   Though I'm now out of my sexless marriage (all but legally, and that is getting close), it is fascinating and at the same time painful to read stories like yours.  The problem ain't you, dear, keep your head up, YOU'RE the healthy one. 

Qman: "At one point I stopped both begging for sex and trying to go the extra mile to make her happy because I didn't like what I saw when I looked in the mirror." Now if that don't bring me back!  I too stopped pursuing sex with my spouse.  Not only for the reasons you mentioned, but also, after participating in a semi-annual joyless act with her that she couldn't wait to conclude, I'd get this attitude back that suggested she'd really gone the extra mile FOR ME and that she was almost owed something.  Not the sort of deal that brings a couple closer together.

One thing I learned, which you frequently WILL NOT learn from the advice books on dealing with this whole sexless marriage thing - if a spouse ain't into it, all the backrubs, chocolates, candlelight dinners, special treatment, gifts, kind words etc. in the world will merely get you...a spoiled spouse that still doesn't want to be sexual.  At least that was my experience.

Quietman72,

I can certainly understand your frustration.  With my husband and I it was the opposite.  I always had to initiate things with him.  And even the sexual aspect of things was always about him and his pleasure, never about mine. 

I guess I'm just tired of having to initiate things, and have decided not to do that anymore.  I'm tired of no kissing, no touching on his part.  If he wanted to have sex and approached me, I'm just not sure how I would respond at this point. 

I guess I got tired of getting dressed in a sexy outfit and waiting for him to come to bed, and crying myself to sleep because he never showed up. 

I work hard every single day to support my wife and son.  At the end of the day I want some kind of intimacy with my wife, some kind of sex.  I gave up years ago when all I got was "I am too tired" too etc.............so, I need something. What do I do? Do I talk to her?  I have with no result.............I gave up and am currently in my fourth affair............ladies, if you do not satisfy your man, someone else will...............

 ThisIsNotEnough, Thanks for understanding, though I'm sorry that you do from experience. I personally can't fathom the idea of my wife coming to bed dressed in something sexy. If she did, I'd think I was in the wrong house... but I doubt I would leave! ;-)   Personally, I can't stand being the initiator any more. When you get shot down so many times in a row... after a while you just think, "why bother".

Jane66, I can't for the life on me understand why a man wouldn't want to have sex with his beautiful wife. This makes no damn sense to me! The whole excuse of "I saw her give birth and now I don't want to go there" thing is BS, if he's using that one. That shouldn't matter one bit. As I said, I can't imagine saying "no", especially on the car, in the garden, in the woods, on the living room floor... Beautiful, adventurous AND not needing to be bribed with foolish tokens? AARGH! Life is not fair.

TopPick, THANK YOU!!!! So nice to here this so well put!