I Love a Good Joke

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 728 People

    Scientists claim it is impossible to fold a

    piece of paper 8 times. They have obviously never seen me wiping my *** when there is only 1 sheet of toilet paper left.
    BellaLocura BellaLocura
    46-50, F
    4 Responses Nov 18, 2015

    What do you do if your girlfriend starts

    smoking? Slow down and use some lubricant!
    BellaLocura BellaLocura
    46-50, F
    9 Responses Mar 4, 2016

    when ye feel badass cuz u broke silence

    shouting "everybody clap your hands" and everyone claps
    ThatOneGuyFabio ThatOneGuyFabio
    13-15, M
    Jan 8, 2016

    "Ultimately, it is the desire,

    not the desired, that we love." - Friedrich Nietzsche
    BellaLocura BellaLocura
    46-50, F
    2 Responses Nov 10, 2015

    This is an Wyoming joke: A hunter on vacation

    says to his guide "I'm going off alone to the deerstand." The guide says "Fine but take a walkie talkie." So this tourist goes out an a couple hours later radios in "I shot an elk I shot an elk!" The guide says "That doesn't seem right. Does the elk have anything weird...
    UnhealthySSBBW UnhealthySSBBW
    26-30, F
    Sep 25, 2015

    Me before every big event: I'm terrible at

    eyeliner so I'm just going to wing it
    Maxernst Maxernst
    18-21, F
    1 Response Jan 12, 2016

    Could someone explain this to me?

    In the first game of a new world series would you want your starting pitcher to have never played one inning of baseball in their life? Yet Carson Trump and Fiorina are leading the Republican race for President and being President must be tougher than pitching in the World...
    hbr1 hbr1
    66-70, M
    Nov 11, 2015

    So Jesus and moses decide they want to go

    golfing. So they come down to earth and tee off and things are going well until they come to one particularly tough hole with a water trap. Moses says, "you can't hit the ball over that with one swing. Hit it so the ball falls in front of the trap then take another swing to get...
    Rooster2016 Rooster2016
    46-50, M
    3 Responses Feb 29, 2016
    likePheonix likePheonix
    26-30, M
    Apr 11, 2016

    I found this quite funny ngl; "Five years ago

    I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times." (Join "I Am Cemone Georgiou Andrea" for regular updates on the modelling.)
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    4 Responses Jun 20, 2015

    How do you make a hormone?

    Don't pay her......
    Fatherofthedaughter Fatherofthedaughter
    56-60, M
    3 Responses Mar 1, 2016

    A guy goes to the supermarket

    and notices an attractive woman waving at him. He walks over to her and she greets him warmly. He is rather taken aback because he can't figure out where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you are the father of one of my kids." His...
    BellaLocura BellaLocura
    46-50, F
    3 Responses Dec 21, 2015

    A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel

    attached to his belt buckle. The bar tender asks, "what's that?" He replies, "Argh, it's drivin' me nuts." (Join "I Am Cemone Georgiou Andrea" for regular updates on the modelling.)
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    2 Responses Apr 21, 2015

    Here's one that made me laugh Sorry

    but I have something to get off my chest....... That's better that bra way killing me
    mirajane123 mirajane123
    13-15, F
    May 18, 2015
    BellaLocura BellaLocura
    46-50, F
    4 Responses Mar 5, 2016

    A typical politician is driving down the road

    when he sees what appears to be a family of 5 eating grass on the side of the road. He pulls over and asks what they are doing. The father says, "we're too poor to afford food so we have to eat grass." The politician tells them to get in the car. "I'm bringing home to my place...
    Rooster2016 Rooster2016
    46-50, M
    2 Responses Mar 1, 2016

    A banana and a vibrator are laying on a bedside

    table. The banana says to the vibrator "What are you ****** shaking for...she's going to eat me!"
    jeephikelove jeephikelove
    41-45, F
    5 Responses Mar 22, 2016

    Did you hear about the blind man

    who went bungee jumping? He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.
    BellaLocura BellaLocura
    46-50, F
    1 Response Mar 15, 2016

    On December 25 last year I gave you a drawing

    that I made just for you, but on Boxer Day you gave it to someone else. In other words: Last Christmas I gave you my art, but the very next day you gave it away.
    Maxernst Maxernst
    18-21, F
    Jan 7, 2016

    Women

    WOMEN A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Dec 27, 2012

    Fact: when girls are attracted to you,

    they raise the pitch of their voice. Oh no wonder every girl I talk to sounds like batman...
    Geekjunk Geekjunk
    18-21, M
    2 Responses Mar 20, 2015

    Little Tommy Brown is eating breakfast at the

    kitchen table when his father walks in,Farmer Brown - Tommy, after breakfast I want you to put a rope on Bessie the cow and take her down to the Smith farm.Tommy - What do I do when I get there?Farmer Brown - Don't worry, Mr. Smith knows what to do.So Tommy gets a rope and leads...
    Fatherofthedaughter Fatherofthedaughter
    56-60, M
    2 Responses Jan 7, 2016

    Back in the day you had to pay to have

    additional ringtones added to your cellphone. This included the silent ringtone, not thinking anyone would be stupid enough to buy this ringtone, as the phone had a silent feature. Well, this was until my nephew warned me one day never to buy this ringtone. His words 'don't ever...
    Lee124 Lee124
    41-45, F
    1 Response Nov 11, 2015

    An old lady goes to the doctor

    and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next...
    ObliviousSainte ObliviousSainte
    36-40, F
    3 Responses Mar 16, 2016

    A dog walks into a railway station,

    approaches the ticket box and asks for a day return to Croydon. The ticket attendant replied; "******* Hell, a talking dog"!
    Peeters1 Peeters1
    51-55, M
    Mar 5, 2016

    One day mama looked out the kitchen window

    and saw a half dozen boys standing around the pecan tree looking up. She then noticed that Salliemae was up the tree and still in her school dress. Mama grabbed her broom and headed out the kitchen door. Seeing mama with a broom, the boys all scattered like a bunch of wild...
    Fatherofthedaughter Fatherofthedaughter
    56-60, M
    1 Response Mar 16, 2016

    OK I have a weird sense of humor

    if you get offended easily don't read simple as that Little boy says to his mom:But mommy I don't wanna see grampa. Mom:Shut up and keep digging!
    ptbl ptbl
    16-17, F
    2 Responses Jan 7, 2015

    I heard an old one today.

    .. Why do Java Programmers have to wear glasses?
    jaynielu jaynielu
    26-30, F
    Jan 8, 2016

    A man is sitting at home alone

    when he hears a knock at the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man replies "Yes, I am." The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of his wife. The guy says, "Sure" and...
    BellaLocura BellaLocura
    46-50, F
    3 Responses Dec 14, 2015

    Making love to music can be really romantic

    but only if you last longer than the intro of track 01.
    BellaLocura BellaLocura
    46-50, F
    5 Responses Nov 21, 2015

    Ha!

    So the old man hears a knock on his door, opens door, a very beautiful young lady is standing there. She says.... I'm here to offer you super sex on your birthday! The old man replied "I'll take the soup"!
    Slashrattlenroll Slashrattlenroll
    46-50, M
    2 Responses Oct 16, 2013

    Little Tommy Brown is eating breakfast at the

    kitchen table when his father walks in,Farmer Brown - Tommy, after breakfast I want you to put a rope on Bessie the cow and take her down to the Smith farm.Tommy - What do I do when I get there?Farmer Brown - Don't worry, Mr. Smith knows what to do.So Tommy gets a rope and leads...
    Fatherofthedaughter Fatherofthedaughter
    56-60, M
    2 Responses Jan 7, 2016

    A tandem cyclist is stopped by an approaching

    police car, and glues his eyes to the policeman who steps out and heads towards him. "What's the matter, officer?" asks the rider in a slightly shaky voice. "Perhaps you didn't notice sir, but your stoker fell off your bike half a mile back . . ." Oh, what a RELIEF," says...
    Injoy1767 Injoy1767
    46-50, F
    1 Response Jan 6, 2016

    I always ask that viking about the weather.

    What can I say? Rude Olf the Red knows rain, dear?
    Maxernst Maxernst
    18-21, F
    Jan 7, 2016

    Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman

    who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself...
    ObliviousSainte ObliviousSainte
    36-40, F
    6 Responses Mar 16, 2016

    This one always makes me laugh.

    ๐Ÿ‘Œ There's a man walking towards the bar. He's just about to enter when he notices a nun stood by the door. She turns to him, "Before you enter this bar, think of the damage the alcohol will do to your brain." He turns to her and asks, "Have you ever tried alcohol?" She tells...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    5 Responses Aug 26, 2014

    Donald trump is running

    for pres.๐Ÿ˜‚ hes won 8 states yall voters trippin๐Ÿ˜’
    LilDaisy01 LilDaisy01
    26-30, F
    Mar 2, 2016

    A man has an appointment with a Dr.

    He enters the office and asked the Dr. about the tests he had taken. The Dr. says " Mr. Jones, you've had blood tests,an MRI, a CAT Scan and all the other letter combination scans and results are..... you are in perfect health. He says"That's great Doc". See you in 6 months." Mr...
    johnny253 johnny253
    70+, M
    3 Responses Oct 16, 2015

    For Sale: Parachute. Only used once,

    never opened, small stain.
    BellaLocura BellaLocura
    46-50, F
    Oct 12, 2015

    Super Tuesday Note: Hillary vs.

    Trump in November. How much is a 2 bed 1 bath bungalow in New Zealand?
    hbr1 hbr1
    66-70, M
    1 Response Mar 2, 2016

    I got myself into a rather embarrassing

    situation last night.I went to a swingers club and at some point I'm ******* this right old slag from behind, she was getting spit roasted and I glanced up to see who it was with his **** buried in her throat. I couldn't believe it, it was my dad! ''Dad'' I exclaimed, ''What are...
    wysiwygUKbloke wysiwygUKbloke
    41-45, M
    Dec 21, 2013

    My wife can't cook at all.

    She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
    Narragansett Narragansett
    70+, M
    1 Response Mar 23, 2016

    Do you know why you never see elephants hiding

    in trees? They're really good at it!!!
    Peeters1 Peeters1
    51-55, M
    Mar 4, 2016

    A young woman went to her doctor complaining of

    pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she...
    zydeko zydeko
    18-21
    May 2, 2015
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