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I Love Chuck Norris Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 289 People

    Q: What's the difference between REM

    and Chuck Norris? A: One sings "Everybody Hurts", the other just hurts everybody.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 5

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    Some people wear Superman pajamas to bed.

    Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas to bed.
    Cristofori Cristofori 41-45, M Jun 12

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    Did you hear what Chuck Norris did to the guy

    who threw him into the lake? Just kidding... NOBODY throws Chuck Norris.
    Cristofori Cristofori 41-45, M 1 Response Jun 12

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Apr 10

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    Chuck Norris is the reason

    why the chicken crossed the road.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Apr 7

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 10

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 23

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    Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across

    a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its descendents now have white hair.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Apr 11

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 11 hrs ago

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 27

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    The Empire never found the droids they were

    looking for. Chuck Norris would have.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 16

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    Whiteboards are white

    because Chuck Norris scared them that way.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 7

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    Chuck Norris doesn't move

    when he walks, the universe just moves around him.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 25

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    When Chuck Norris turned 18,

    his parents moved out.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Apr 20

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    Chuck Norris doesn't walk home.

    ......Home walks to him!!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 12

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    Madonna was a quiet unassuming virgin

    before her date with Chuck Norris.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number,

    YOU answered the wrong phone.
    Cristofori Cristofori 41-45, M 1 Response Jun 12

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    When Chuck Norris gives you the finger,

    he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 2

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    Top 10 Funnies!

    10) If Chuck Norris was in Mortal Combat the fight would be over before it started. 9)Chuck once round house kicked Superman. The poor guy still believes he can actually fly. 8)Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead it is just afriad to move. 7...
    Monsterbunny17 Monsterbunny17 18-21, F Jul 9, 2012

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    Top 10 Chuck Norris Facts

    Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.  Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.  The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.  There is no chin under Chuck Norris...
    EPJulio EPJulio 26-30, M 8 Responses Oct 17, 2007

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    Time waits for no man.

    Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Apr 23

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    Did you hear that Death

    once had a near Chuck Norris experience?
    Cristofori Cristofori 41-45, M Jun 12

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    Chuck Norris Can Slam a Revolving Door

     c8lorraine started it...... http://www.experienceproject.com/uw.php?e... a whole page of Chuck Norris Jokes   And I am adding some more rib tickling Chuckisms......... Chuck Norris died 20 years ago. Death just never had the guts to tell him. The...
    animalrescue animalrescue 46-50, M 16 Responses Jul 10, 2009

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    When Chuck Norris comes into the room,

    he does not turn on the light - he turns off the darkness.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 26

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    Scientifically speaking,

    it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 8

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response May 12

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 21

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    Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table,

    because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Apr 2

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    LucyGirlAkita2 LucyGirlAkita2 16-17, F 2 Responses Apr 20

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 10

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    How does Chuck Norris make coffee?

    He grinds the beans with his teeth and boils the water with his rage.
    Cristofori Cristofori 41-45, M Jun 12

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    James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the

    Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 7

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    Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's

    why there are no signs of life there.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Apr 17

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    Chuck Norris doesn't believe in the Periodic

    Table because it doesn't contain the element of suprise.
    Lefty39 Lefty39 46-50, M Jun 20

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    Legend has it that a Nokia is indestructible.

    Legend also has it that Chuck Norris accidentally broke a Nokia with his pinky finger.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 2

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    When Arnold says "I'll be back" in the

    Terminator movie it is implied that he's going to ask Chuck Norris for help.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 5

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    Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March

    31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Apr 3

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    Chuck Norris is the reason

    why Waldo is hiding.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 22

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    Thought this was funny.

    Found it on my computer screen this morning :D if you can't read it, it says, "chuck Norris looked up his name on the internet and it died." And it was because my internet crashed
    cotygal123 cotygal123 13-15, F Jun 18

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    Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number,

    you answer the wrong phone
    projectgwyn101 projectgwyn101 16-17, M 14 Responses Apr 24

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 9

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    When Chuck Norris does a push up,

    he doesn't push up. He pushes the world down.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Mar 29

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    Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack.

    His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 24

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Apr 20

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    If you ever catch your kid watching a Chuck

    Norris movie, check him the next day for beard stubble.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 19

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 19

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Apr 21

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    Chuck Norris has a diary.

    It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Apr 10

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response May 11

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    Chuck Norris injected his blood into a monkey,

    a fish, and a lizard. They are now known as King Kong, Jaws, and Godzilla.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Mar 29

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 4

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    Chuck Norris is my father

    For reasons I cannot remember (probably just to mess with my him), when I was 10 I told my 6 year old brother that our father was Chuck Norris incognito. I'm sure I made up an elaborate tale of sorts, explaining why the Texas Ranger had moved to Ohio and started a family as a...
    MommyGoneMad MommyGoneMad 26-30, F 16 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    Related Experiences

    When Chuck Norris went to jail, the guards locked themselves up.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 11 hrs ago

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