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I Love Chuck Norris Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 364 People

    Chuck Norris does not do push ups,

    he pushes the Earth down. Chuck Norris shoves coal up his butt, and sneezes out diamonds. One of my instructors has actually changed my name in his class to Chuck, in his honor.
    RedHeadedNinja RedHeadedNinja 13-15, F 3 days ago

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    When someone fires a gun at Chuck Norris,

    the gun won't fire. not even a gun would try to attack Chuck Norris
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 6 days ago

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Jun 30

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response May 11, 2014

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    LucyGirlAkita2 LucyGirlAkita2 16-17, F 2 Responses Apr 20, 2014

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    When Chuck Norris plays yhatzee no matter how

    the dice land he always gets a yhatzee........ALWAYS
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses a week ago

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    When Chuck Norris gives you the finger,

    he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 2, 2014

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    Chuck Norris injected his blood into a monkey,

    a fish, and a lizard. They are now known as King Kong, Jaws, and Godzilla.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Mar 29, 2014

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    Chuck Norris is not allowed in hell

    because the devil is scared of him.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 8

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 23, 2014

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    When Chuck Norris wants to cut his steak he

    throws it in the air and roundhouse kicks it.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 10

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    Chuck Norris is so fast,

    he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 20

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    ArrowPewPew ArrowPewPew 18-21 4 Responses Nov 7, 2014

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    The burning bush that Moses spoke of was

    actually Chuck Norris's beard!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jul 1

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jul 11

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    Chuck Norris can make a Diet Coke/Mentos

    explosion without the Mentos...or the Diet Coke.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 13

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    When Chuck Norris turned 18,

    his parents moved out.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Apr 20, 2014

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    Chuck Norris will be hosting Prince William

    and Kate Middletons Bux and Hens night. He is also the wedding singer, DJ, and flower girl.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jul 17

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Chuck Norris won American Idol,

    only using sign language.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jul 28, 2014

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    Everywhere Chuck Norris goes,

    it's night, because the Sun is afraid of Chuck Norris.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Sep 7, 2014

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    Chuck Norris is so fast

    that he can lock a drawer and leave the key inside.
    nutssquared nutssquared 26-30, M 4 days ago

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    An elephant stomped on Chuck Norris .

    ...... and broke its' foot.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jun 26

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    Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March

    31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Apr 3, 2014

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response 3 hrs ago

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Sep 12, 2014

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    In the event of a water landing,

    Chuck Norris may be used as a floatation device.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 9

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 5

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 27, 2014

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    When Chuck Norris goes in the ocean,

    sharks put up beach closures.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 2

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    Chuck Norris has a diary.

    It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Apr 10, 2014

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    Chuck Norris is my father

    For reasons I cannot remember (probably just to mess with my him), when I was 10 I told my 6 year old brother that our father was Chuck Norris incognito. I'm sure I made up an elaborate tale of sorts, explaining why the Texas Ranger had moved to Ohio and started a family as a...
    MommyGoneMad MommyGoneMad 26-30, F 16 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Apr 20, 2014

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    MrHeartaFire MrHeartaFire 41-45, M Jul 11

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    Chuck Norris doesn't walk home.

    ......Home walks to him!!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 12, 2014

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    Chuck Doesn't Need To Switch On The Treadmill

    To Run On It.......When He Runs On It, The Treadmill Itself Starts Moving!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    When Chuck Norris eats a candy bar,

    the candy bar gets a cavity.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Aug 26, 2014

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    Chuck Norris took a wrong turn at the zoo

    and found himself in with Brutus the nasty Silverback Gorilla. Brutus was then seen politely showing Chuck to the exit door.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jul 30, 2014

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    When the president pushes the big red button

    Chuck Norris's cell phone rings.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    The U.S. Government has come up with a new form

    of capitol punishment called 'Lethal Ejection'. It's where Chuck Norris throws the death row inmate through the side door of a Boeing 737 at 35,000 feet.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Aug 17, 2014

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    MrHeartaFire MrHeartaFire 41-45, M Jun 26

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    Once, during a game of Monopoly,

    Chuck Norris ate $723 dollars, 2 train stations, a get-out-of-jail-free card, and the banker.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 4

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    Chuck Norris doesn't move

    when he walks, the universe just moves around him.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 25, 2014

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    Chuck Norris travels at lightspeed daily,

    he calls it normal speed, to him we move slow.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Apr 21, 2014

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    Chuck Norris is the reason

    why Waldo is hiding.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 22, 2014

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    Chuck Norris Can Slam a Revolving Door

     c8lorraine started it...... http://www.experienceproject.com/uw.php?e... a whole page of Chuck Norris Jokes   And I am adding some more rib tickling Chuckisms......... Chuck Norris died 20 years ago. Death just never had the guts to tell him. The...
    animalrescue animalrescue 46-50, M 15 Responses Jul 10, 2009

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