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I Love Chuck Norris Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 357 People

    Chuck Norris has a diary.

    It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Apr 10, 2014

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    You can't put Chuck Norris on Death Note,

    but you can put Death Note on Chuck Norris.
    Profweird Profweird 22-25, M Jan 15

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    The U.S. Government has come up with a new form

    of capitol punishment called 'Lethal Ejection'. It's where Chuck Norris throws the death row inmate through the side door of a Boeing 737 at 35,000 feet.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Aug 17, 2014

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    Did you hear what Chuck Norris did to the guy

    that threw him into the river? Just kidding... NOBODY throws Chuck Norris!
    Cristofori Cristofori 41-45, M Feb 17

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    Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March

    31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Apr 3, 2014

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 27, 2014

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    Chuck Norris once gave a man an apple.

    Today that man is known as Steve Jobs.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Feb 21

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    Chuck Norris doesn't brush his teeth,

    he scares the plaque off each morning by snarling in the mirror.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Feb 16

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    In bowling, there is no thing

    as a spare for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris spares nothing and no one.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 6 days ago

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    Chuck Norris uses an air bag.

    ..in order to protect the inside of his car in case he stops too fast.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Feb 5

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    Cristofori Cristofori 41-45, M Feb 17

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    Chuck Norris Can Slam a Revolving Door

     c8lorraine started it...... http://www.experienceproject.com/uw.php?e... a whole page of Chuck Norris Jokes   And I am adding some more rib tickling Chuckisms......... Chuck Norris died 20 years ago. Death just never had the guts to tell him. The...
    animalrescue animalrescue 46-50, M 16 Responses Jul 10, 2009

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    Chuck Norris can split an atom

    and put it back together.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Feb 13

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Apr 21, 2014

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    Some Children wear Superman pajamas to bed,

    but Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas to bed.
    Cristofori Cristofori 41-45, M Feb 17

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    If Chuck Norris get's shot today,

    tomorrow will be the bullets funeral.
    Cristofori Cristofori 41-45, M Feb 17

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    Cristofori Cristofori 41-45, M Feb 17

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    Chuck Norris was to die 5 years ago,

    but Death hasn't mustered the courage to tell him.
    Cristofori Cristofori 41-45, M Feb 17

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Aug 2, 2014

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    When Chuck Norris gives you the finger,

    he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 2, 2014

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    Chuck Norris respects the law,

    that's why his fists, elbows, feet, legs, knees and beard are all properly registered with the ATF.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Feb 8

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response May 11, 2014

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    When Chuck Norris eats a candy bar,

    the candy bar gets a cavity.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Aug 26, 2014

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    Did you hear that Death

    once had a near Chuck Norris experience?
    Cristofori Cristofori 41-45, M Feb 17

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 23, 2014

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    When Chuck Norris' fever broke,

    the global warming crisis was solved.
    Cristofori Cristofori 41-45, M Feb 17

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    That's not "The light at the end of the

    tunnel" you see... that's Chuck Norris holding a flashlight.
    Cristofori Cristofori 41-45, M Feb 17

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 23, 2014

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    When Chuck Norris does division,

    there are no remainders.
    nutssquared nutssquared 26-30, M Feb 2

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jan 19

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    LucyGirlAkita2 LucyGirlAkita2 16-17, F 2 Responses Apr 20, 2014

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Sep 12, 2014

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    The only mind Edward cannot read is Bella's.

    That is because Bella thinks about Chuck Norris.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Feb 17

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    A TSA Agent once asked to "pat down" Chuck

    Norris. His hands were instantly burned to a crisp
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Feb 6

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    Chuck Norris doesn't walk home.

    ......Home walks to him!!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 12, 2014

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    How does Chuck Norris make coffee?

    He grinds the beans with his teeth and boils the water with his rage.
    Cristofori Cristofori 41-45, M Feb 17

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Feb 12

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    Chuck Norris won American Idol,

    only using sign language.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jul 28, 2014

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Feb 1

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    Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack.

    His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 24, 2014

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    Chuck Norris was Paul McCartney`s inspiration

    when he wrote "Live and Let Die".
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jan 28

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    Chuck Norris got shot.

    We are now in the hospital, where the bullet is in critical condition.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Nov 2, 2014

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    Chuck Norris took a wrong turn at the zoo

    and found himself in with Brutus the nasty Silverback Gorilla. Brutus was then seen politely showing Chuck to the exit door.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jul 30, 2014

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    When Mt. St. Helens erupted,

    Chuck Norris got out the marsh mellows.
    Cristofori Cristofori 41-45, M Feb 17

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    If you ever catch your kid watching a Chuck

    Norris movie, check him the next day for beard stubble.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 19, 2014

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    ArrowPewPew ArrowPewPew 18-21 4 Responses Nov 7, 2014

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    Chuck Norris doesn't move

    when he walks, the universe just moves around him.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 25, 2014

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