I Love Chuck Norris Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 372 People

    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Aug 2, 2014

    Chuck Norris is my father

    For reasons I cannot remember (probably just to mess with my him), when I was 10 I told my 6 year old brother that our father was Chuck Norris incognito. I'm sure I made up an elaborate tale of sorts, explaining why the Texas Ranger had moved to Ohio and started a family as a...
    MommyGoneMad MommyGoneMad
    26-30, F
    16 Responses Sep 20, 2011

    Chuck Norris does not read books,

    he stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
    Railfan50 Railfan50
    51-55, M
    Feb 23
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Aug 6, 2015
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Apr 21, 2014

    CNN has the best coverage

    because it was invented by Chuck Norris. It stands for the Chuck Norris Network.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Jul 28, 2015

    When most people clap twice in their home the

    lights go out, when Chuck Norris claps twice the sun goes out.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Aug 2, 2015

    Chuck Norris found some old glow sticks in his

    basement. He gave them away and they are now known as lightsabers.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Aug 8, 2015

    When Chuck Norris turned 18,

    his parents moved out.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Apr 20, 2014

    Chuck Norris wouldn't need equipment

    if he was a RPG character: his roundhouse kick and beard beat any item.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Aug 1, 2015

    Chuck Norris doesn't look

    for fun. The fun looks for Chuck Norris.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Aug 14, 2015
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Jul 31, 2015

    The universe expands

    because the stars believe this way will be safer from Chuck Norris.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response May 29, 2015

    Chuck Norris won American Idol,

    only using sign language.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Jul 28, 2014

    Chuck Norris took a wrong turn at the zoo

    and found himself in with Brutus the nasty Silverback Gorilla. Brutus was then seen politely showing Chuck to the exit door.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Jul 30, 2014

    How does Chuck Norris escape

    after being swallowed by a killer whale....... See answer in comments. Thanks EPAllie.
    Fatherofthedaughter Fatherofthedaughter
    51-55, M
    1 Response Nov 10, 2015

    Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg.

    After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
    IlluminatePlease IlluminatePlease
    31-35, M
    Aug 27, 2015

    When Chuck Norris gives you the finger,

    he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses May 2, 2014

    Death Valley wasn't named that

    because of its heat, it was named Death Valley because Chuck Norris has a summer home there.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    3 Responses Aug 11, 2015
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Apr 20, 2015
    ArrowPewPew ArrowPewPew
    18-21
    3 Responses Nov 7, 2014

    If you ever catch your kid watching a Chuck

    Norris movie, check him the next day for beard stubble.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Jun 19, 2014

    Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table,

    because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Apr 2, 2014

    Cars were invented to have a faster way of

    fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Sep 25, 2015

    Chuck Norris does not get frostbite.

    Chuck Norris bites frost.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Aug 9, 2015
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response May 11, 2014

    In Christmas Day, Chuck Norris was the fourth

    wise man. He gave baby Jesus the gift of beard.
    Jmb850 Jmb850
    36-40, M
    1 Response Aug 12, 2015

    Chuck Norris travels at lightspeed daily,

    he calls it normal speed, to him we move slow.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Jul 27, 2015
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Aug 28, 2015

    When someone fires a gun at Chuck Norris,

    the gun won't fire. not even a gun would try to attack Chuck Norris
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Jul 25, 2015

    Chuck Norris caught a cold

    and made it sick.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Sep 24, 2014
    Railfan50 Railfan50
    51-55, M
    Feb 23

    The U.S. Government has come up with a new form

    of capitol punishment called 'Lethal Ejection'. It's where Chuck Norris throws the death row inmate through the side door of a Boeing 737 at 35,000 feet.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Aug 17, 2014
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Apr 20, 2014

    When the president pushes the big red button

    Chuck Norris's cell phone rings.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Jul 29, 2015

    How many Chuck Norris's does it take to change

    a light bulb? None. Just threatening to call Chuck makes the light bulb want to change on its own.
    Fatherofthedaughter Fatherofthedaughter
    51-55, M
    Nov 11, 2015

    Chuck Norris once went to court

    for a crime, the judge pleaded guilty.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Mar 6, 2015

    If Chuck Norris was on The Amazing Race it

    would be called Chuck Norris Won.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Aug 13, 2015

    How does Chuck Norris escape from being

    swallowed by a Killer Whale......He kicks and punches until he's all pooped out.
    Fatherofthedaughter Fatherofthedaughter
    51-55, M
    Nov 10, 2015
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Aug 7, 2015

    Chuck Doesn't Need To Switch On The Treadmill

    To Run On It.......When He Runs On It, The Treadmill Itself Starts Moving!
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Jul 26, 2015

    Popcorn was invented

    when Chuck Norris stared at corn kernels.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Aug 4, 2015
    LucyGirlAkita2 LucyGirlAkita2
    18-21, F
    2 Responses Apr 20, 2014
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Mar 27, 2014

    Chuck Norris doesn't move

    when he walks, the universe just moves around him.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response May 25, 2014

    Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March

    31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Apr 3, 2014
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Mar 23, 2014
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Jul 30, 2015

    Chuck Norris is the reason

    why Waldo is hiding.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response May 22, 2014

    Chuck Norris injected his blood into a monkey,

    a fish, and a lizard. They are now known as King Kong, Jaws, and Godzilla.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Mar 29, 2014

    Three drunk men charged towards Chuck Norris

    with bottles. He single leggedly disarmed all three whilst kicking them all in the face at the same time.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Aug 10, 2015
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Sep 12, 2014

    The moon and sun don't cause high

    or low tides, gravity just follows Chuck Norris everywhere he goes.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Aug 26, 2015

    Chuck Norris has a diary.

    It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Apr 10, 2014

    Chuck Norris is not allowed in hell

    because the devil is scared of him.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response May 8, 2015

    Chuck Norris Can Slam a Revolving Door

     c8lorraine started it...... http://www.experienceproject.com/uw.php?e... a whole page of Chuck Norris Jokes   And I am adding some more rib tickling Chuckisms......... Chuck Norris died 20 years ago. Death just never had the guts to tell him. The...
    animalrescue animalrescue
    46-50, M
    15 Responses Jul 10, 2009

    When Chuck Norris eats a candy bar,

    the candy bar gets a cavity.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Aug 26, 2014

    Chuck Norris does not do push ups,

    he pushes the Earth down. Chuck Norris shoves coal up his butt, and sneezes out diamonds. One of my instructors has actually changed my name in his class to Chuck, in his honor.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Jul 28, 2015

    Chuck Norris doesn't walk home.

    ......Home walks to him!!
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Jun 12, 2014

    When challenged by Paul Bunyan to a logging

    contest, Chuck Norris showed his sportsmanship by leaving Paul a sapling in the now-deforested field.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Aug 12, 2015
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