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I Love Chuck Norris Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 359 People

    When Chuck Norris was born,

    he brought the cigars.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Nov 28

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    When Chuck Norris forgets his password.

    .. He'll have access anyway!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 6 days ago

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    If you have five dollars

    and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
    nutssquared nutssquared 26-30, M Dec 5

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    Chuck Norris plays soccer using the moon.

    That explains the craters.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Dec 6

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    Chuck Norris got shot.

    We are now in the hospital, where the bullet is in critical condition.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Nov 2

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    The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private

    Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 26

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    Fire doesn't burn Chuck Norris,

    Chuck Norris burns Fire.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 17

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    Chuck Norris can bypass a voice only

    recognition machine using sign language.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 16

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    When Chuck Norris is SCUBA diving

    and surfaces too fast the ocean gets the bends.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Dec 5

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    Chuck Norris doesn't move

    when he walks, the universe just moves around him.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 25

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    Sjenka Sjenka 36-40, F 2 Responses Nov 15

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    Mathematicians have secretly refused to adhere

    to Chuck's request for a new unit of measurment, So when Chuck asks for a "Cow of Milk" get him two.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 29

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    When Chuck Norris turned 18,

    his parents moved out.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Apr 20

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    LucyGirlAkita2 LucyGirlAkita2 16-17, F 2 Responses Apr 20

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Aug 2

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    ArrowPewPew ArrowPewPew 18-21 5 Responses Nov 7

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    Chuck Norris is my father

    For reasons I cannot remember (probably just to mess with my him), when I was 10 I told my 6 year old brother that our father was Chuck Norris incognito. I'm sure I made up an elaborate tale of sorts, explaining why the Texas Ranger had moved to Ohio and started a family as a...
    MommyGoneMad MommyGoneMad 26-30, F 17 Responses Sep 20, 2011

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    Santa Clause doesn't watch you sleep

    but Chuck Norris does.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Dec 8

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    Godzilla feeds off of nuclear energy.

    Chuck Norris can feed off of Godzilla.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    Chuck Norris doesn't walk home.

    ......Home walks to him!!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 12

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    Chuck Norris once took entire bottle of

    sleeping pills , they made him blink . Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear rug in his room . The bear is not dead , it is just afraid to move . Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet . He scares the **** out of it . When Chuck Norris gives you the finger , he is telling you how...
    Sjenka Sjenka 36-40, F 1 Response Nov 13

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    Forget the flying elbow Chuck's foot is the

    reason Obama has 10 stitches!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Dec 4

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    Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack.

    His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 24

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    When Chuck Norris gives you the finger,

    he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 2

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    The U.S. Government has come up with a new form

    of capitol punishment called 'Lethal Ejection'. It's where Chuck Norris throws the death row inmate through the side door of a Boeing 737 at 35,000 feet.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Aug 17

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    Crime does not pay -

    unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 9

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Apr 20

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    Chuck Norris won American Idol,

    only using sign language.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jul 28

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    Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate.

    It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Dec 3

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response May 11

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    Chuck Norris caught a cold

    and made it sick.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Sep 24

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Dec 2

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    A rhino once gored Chuck Norris

    and got a concussion.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Dec 7

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    True story: in 1994, in Dallas,

    TX, two men tried to mug Chuck Norris. This has been recorded as the dumbest mistake since the creation of free will.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 15

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    Chuck Norris is the reason

    why Waldo is hiding.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 22

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    Everywhere Chuck Norris goes,

    it's night, because the Sun is afraid of Chuck Norris.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Sep 7

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    What happens when an unstoppable force meets an

    immovable object? Chuck Norris happens.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Nov 21

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Sep 12

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 27

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    Chuck Norris took a wrong turn at the zoo

    and found himself in with Brutus the nasty Silverback Gorilla. Brutus was then seen politely showing Chuck to the exit door.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jul 30

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    MacGyver's contraptions can never be duplicated

    because he had a secret ingredient -- one Chuck Norris hair.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Chuck Norris injected his blood into a monkey,

    a fish, and a lizard. They are now known as King Kong, Jaws, and Godzilla.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Mar 29

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    When Chuck Norris eats a candy bar,

    the candy bar gets a cavity.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Aug 26

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 24

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Nov 20

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    Chuck Norris has a diary.

    It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Apr 10

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    Chuck Norris doesn't watch the news.

    Information falls at his feet in supplication at 6 and 10.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 13

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 23

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    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Apr 21

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    Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March

    31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Apr 3

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    Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table,

    because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Apr 2

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    Chuck Norris Can Slam a Revolving Door

     c8lorraine started it...... http://www.experienceproject.com/uw.php?e... a whole page of Chuck Norris Jokes   And I am adding some more rib tickling Chuckisms......... Chuck Norris died 20 years ago. Death just never had the guts to tell him. The...
    animalrescue animalrescue 46-50, M 16 Responses Jul 10, 2009

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