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I Love Filthy Jokes

BEWARE! These jokes are really dirty BEWARE! 37 People

    Omg!

    Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Nov 3, 2010

    Retirement

    After 30 years service a guy retired from the Fire Department. A couple weeks later, he was edgy and restless. His wife said,"What's wrong with you?" He replied, "I kind of miss the fire house and the routine. I'd like to change things around here and make it more like the fire...
    phph phph
    66-70, M
    Dec 7, 2010

    Thrilled He Was Home!

    A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him. She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, "My husband's home...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Dec 6, 2010
    DeadOfDecember DeadOfDecember
    22-25, F
    1 Response Jun 17, 2011

    Stuttering

    A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem. Your penis is twelve inches long. It weighs so much that it's pulling on...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Oct 28, 2010

    At The Super Market

    A woman was shopping one day and when she opened the cooler to get some frozen veggies, a gust of cold air went up her dress. She wasn't wearing panties so the cold air tickled her "fancy". She was worried someone would notice, so she moved on to the next aisle where she spotted...
    phph phph
    66-70, M
    Dec 5, 2010

    Child Abuse

    Colorado Judge gives 7 year old right to decide custody. A seven year old boy was at the center of a county courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.  The boy had a...
    DeadOfDecember DeadOfDecember
    22-25, F
    Nov 9, 2010

    Hell Hath No Fury...

    A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi a few months ago. So she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Oct 25, 2010

    The Mailman

    It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Oct 28, 2010

    12 Monks

    Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up, nude, in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Oct 31, 2010

    Help Me Doctor

    A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up taking him home and giving him a blow job before breaking up with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Dec 6, 2010

    The Teapot

    Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer. When Joe Bob was finished...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Oct 25, 2010

    Tree And Hurricane

    What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold on to your balls, motherf**ker this ain't no ordinary *******.
    DeadOfDecember DeadOfDecember
    22-25, F
    1 Response Jun 17, 2011

    The Ride

    A biker was out for a ride one day and took a back road through the hills that he had never been on before. He was needing a break when he spotted a run down tavern up ahead. He got off his bike and entered the dingy room. As his eyes got accustomed to the gloom, he spotted a...
    phph phph
    66-70, M
    Jun 7, 2011

    Lawyer Speak

    Two lawyers were walking down Rodeo Drive, and saw a beautiful model walking towards them. "What a babe," one said, "I'd sure like to **** her!" "Really?" the other responded, "Out of what?"
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Dec 6, 2010

    See Honey!

    A guy walks into a ***** donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the ***** bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a ***** bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    2 Responses Oct 25, 2010

    Chicken Farmer?

    A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks "What is your occupation?" The woman replies...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Oct 25, 2010

    The Difference Between...

    Q. What is the difference between a clever midget and a venereal disease? A. One is a cunning runt, and the other is a running ****.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Dec 22, 2010

    Close Call

    Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortise had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Dec 6, 2010

    How Cute!

    Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love. One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Oct 25, 2010
    DeadOfDecember DeadOfDecember
    22-25, F
    3 Responses Jun 17, 2011

    The Farmers Wife

    A farmer is lying in bed with his wife when he turns to her grabs her **** and says "Honey if you could get milk out of these we could sell the cow". Then he grabs her ***** and says "Honey if you could get eggs out of here we could sell the chickens". She turns to him smiles...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Oct 28, 2010

    Can I?

    Woman: Can I get Viagra here? Pharmacist: Yes. Woman: Can I get it over the counter? Pharmacist: If you give me two of them, you can
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Dec 6, 2010

    Why?

    A guy's eating in a restaurant and spots a gorgeous woman sitting all alone. He calls over his waiter and says, "Send that woman a bottle of your most expensive champagne, on me." The waiter quickly brings the champagne over to the woman, and says, "Ma'am, this is from the...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Oct 25, 2010

    The Definition Of

    What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig? A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Dec 6, 2010

    The Rooster

    Farmer Brown goes out one bay and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says: "OK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says: "You can't handle all these chickens, look what it did to me!" The young...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Oct 29, 2010

    The Eye Doctor

    A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop ************." The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?" The doctor says, "No, but you...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Dec 6, 2010

    F'd

    A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Oct 28, 2010

    Talking Fruit

    One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Dec 6, 2010

    The Neighbor

    The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard." The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Oct 25, 2010

    Try This

    A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger ****'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your **** for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my **** bigger?' asks the girlfriend...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Dec 6, 2010

    Music

    A girl is sitting alone in a bar when a dude asks if he can buy her a drink. She accepts and they start talking. She asks what kind of music he likes and he replies, "Rock". She says,"I have a tattoo of Mick Jagger. wanna see it?" he says yes and she pulls up her skirt and points...
    phph phph
    66-70, M
    Aug 6, 2011

    The Date

    A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a BAD case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure. Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Oct 25, 2010

    Toothless Hamster

    A miserably married guy decides he needs some companionship, so he goes to the local pet store. The salesman says, “I have the perfect pet for you… a toothless hamster.” The guy says, “Nah, I don’t think so.” The salesman continues his sales pitch, “But it gives...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Dec 22, 2010

    Three Times?

    An old man of 70 married a young girl of 21. When they got into bed the night after their wedding, he held up three fingers. “Oh honey!” said the young nymph, “Does that mean we’re going to do it three times?” “No…” said the old man, “It means you can take your...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Dec 22, 2010

    It's Obvious

    A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?" The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Dec 22, 2010

    Mommy Mommy Humor

    Mommy, Mommy… Grandma’s got a bruise! Shut up and eat around it! Mommy, Mommy… Why are we pushing the car off the cliff? Shut up or you’ll wake your father. Mommy, Mommy… That really hurt! Shut up and crawl back up the stairs again. Mommy, Mommy… My head hurts...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Dec 22, 2010

    What's The Difference

    What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makes your hole weak. What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Dec 6, 2010

    The Lone Ranger

    The Lone Ranger was captured by Indians and kept in a tepee. The Chief said, "You are a great man among your people, but in 3 days, I'm going to kill you. You get a last wish for each day. What is your wish for today?" The Lone Ranger said, "Bring me my horse!" The stallion is...
    phph phph
    66-70, M
    Dec 5, 2010

    The Honeymoon

    A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Oct 25, 2010

    Newlyweds

    The couple has been married only two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, can't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. "Honey," says he to his new bride, "I'll be right back..." "Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asks the wife. "I'm going to the bar...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Nov 3, 2010

    Timmy & Tommy

    One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy, were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out "Ouch you ******* ******!" later that day in church, the mom went to talk to the priest. she said...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Oct 28, 2010

    A Deal Is A Deal

    A bloke is sat at a bar when he sees this gorgeous woman waiting for her date. He decides to go over and chat her up. 'I think you're wasting your time, I'm only interested in women' said the woman. 'Oh come on, I bet I can change your mind' said the bloke. After ten minutes of...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Dec 6, 2010

    The Midget

    A tall woman met a midget at a party. The midget was barely three feet tall but they were attracted to each other. After a few drinks they went back to the tall woman's apartment. "I can't imagine what it will be like making love to a midget," said the woman, "especially with the...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Oct 29, 2010

    What Do, Who Is & What's The?

    What do blonds and the Bermuda triangle have in common? They've both swallowed a lot of *****. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? She is the...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Dec 6, 2010

    Medically Speaking

    A guy with a bad stutter goes to the Doctor for some advice. "D.D.D.Doc, C.C.Can Y.Y.You S.S.S.top T.T.T.This S.S.Stutter?" The Doctor gives him a full examination and says, "The only thing I can find is your **** is too long. I would have to shorten it by 4 inches to stop the...
    phph phph
    66-70, M
    Dec 11, 2010

    Doctor, What Is Wrong With Me?

    A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. My penis is orange." Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange. Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Oct 28, 2010

    Flunking Sex Education

    You most likely flunked sex education if you thought… A clitoris is a type of flower. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. “Spread eagle” is an extinct bird. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a heart attack. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. A G-string is part of...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Dec 22, 2010

    The Many Types Of *******

    Sex in a boat = oar-gasms Sex with a nerd = dork-gasms Sex with a dermatologist = pore-gasms Sex at the entrance to your house = door-gasms Sex on carpet or linoleum = floor-gasms Sex at the supermarket = store-gasms Sex with a prostitute = *****-gasms Sex with an accountant...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Dec 22, 2010

    Rafiki & Simba Video... Ultra Disgusting

    ... But too funny to pass up putting here! 
    DeadOfDecember DeadOfDecember
    22-25, F
    Aug 5, 2011

    You're Hired!

    The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him "Do you love your wife?" so he replies "Yes I do, sir." "Do you love your country?" asks the interviewer. "Yes...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Oct 30, 2010

    The Christmas Party

    After the annual office Christmas party blow-out, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Oct 26, 2010

    Things To Say When Someone’s Fly Is Open

    The cucumber has left the salad. I can see the gun of Navarone. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out. You’ve got Windows in your laptop. Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave. Your soldier ain’t so unknown now. Quasimodo needs to...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Dec 22, 2010

    Can I Have $20?

    A young man went up to his father and asked him, "Can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?" His father said, "I don't know. Are you any good?"
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Nov 1, 2010

    Syllables

    The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable. "Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Jane proudly replied with...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Oct 28, 2010

    Ways Women Fail In Bed

    Milking It – When stroking a guy’s **** don’t grab it like a bus rail and start ******* it like you were milking a cow. Don’t use the love sword as if it’s a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Dec 22, 2010
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