I Love Funny Quotes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,353 People

    Life is like a roll of toilet paper,

    your either on a roll or taking **** from some *******.
    IAmARebel IAmARebel
    16-17, F
    2 Responses Oct 19, 2014
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Sep 8, 2015

    I think someone sprayed sleeping medicine on

    the textbook. -Kang Yeon Do in Sassy Go Go
    Taemi Taemi
    22-25, F
    1 Response Jan 3

    Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial

    killer.” Ellen DeGeneres
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Jun 29, 2015
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Sep 23, 2015

    You are 6 and have a mobile phone.

    Who are you going to call "Dora"?
    BigNJ76 BigNJ76
    36-40, M
    1 Response Dec 30, 2015

    It is only when mosquitoes land on your

    testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without using violence. -Confucius
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Feb 18

    "I sometimes use Avery's tennis racket to

    scratch my but" Stan said. (I misspelled the word so it wouldn't get censored or deleted) (Stan is a talking dog) "That's why your tennis racket has that funny smell!" Chloe responded to Avery. - Disney series, Dog With A Blog
    loveismyfriend loveismyfriend
    36-40, F
    1 Response Feb 15
    Smurfberry24 Smurfberry24
    13-15, F
    2 Responses May 14, 2015

    Kids in the back seat,

    Cause accidents Accidents in the back seat, Cause kids.
    vadesigner vadesigner
    46-50, M
    1 Response Jun 10, 2014

    "I get it if you wanna date someone with a

    normal schedule," said Jessie to Tony. "I don't wanna date someone normal. I wanna date you." Tony explained. "Thanks?" Jessie responded. - Disney series, Jessie
    loveismyfriend loveismyfriend
    36-40, F
    Mar 26

    Call a girl beautiful 1,

    000 times and she'll never notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Dec 5, 2015
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    2 Responses Apr 19, 2015

    Never make fun of a fat guy with a lisp.

    .. He's probably thick and tired of it.
    BigNJ76 BigNJ76
    36-40, M
    Jan 4

    A good friend is like a bra :hard to find ,

    comfortable ,supporter ,it keeps you tight and always it's close to your heart . :))
    Mechty Mechty
    22-25, F
    1 Response Aug 9, 2015

    "Where did you come from?

    "" asks Jessie, Luke's nanny "My parents say the stork but the seventh graders have an interesting theory" Luke replies "New rule... no talking to seventh graders" replies Jessie - Disney series "Jessie"
    loveismyfriend loveismyfriend
    36-40, F
    Jan 30

    Feelingood85 Feelingood85
    31-35, M
    Jan 24

    PRACTICALITY VS. RELIGION During a recent

    ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed in shouting, "The building is on fire!!!" The METHODISTS gathered in the corner and prayed. The BAPTISTS cried, "Where is the holy water?" The QUAKERS quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings. The LUTHERANS posted a...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Feb 15

    When life gives you lemons,

    make lemonade.....then throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons,until they give you the oranges you originally asked for.
    weirdnerdgirl weirdnerdgirl
    13-15, F
    3 Responses Dec 27, 2015
    jayciedubb jayciedubb
    46-50, M
    Mar 21

    I will slap you so hard that

    even goggle won't be able to find you.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Aug 2, 2015

    You love flowers, but you cut them.

    You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared.
    Holman27 Holman27
    31-35, M
    1 Response May 26, 2015

    The scientific theory I like best is

    that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage. Mark Russel
    Soossie Soossie
    51-55, F
    1 Response Jan 13

    Three monkeys escaped from the zoo,

    one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading this quote! :p
    miru1 miru1
    26-30, F
    1 Response Sep 8, 2015
    BigNJ76 BigNJ76
    36-40, M
    1 Response Dec 29, 2015

    always borrow money from a pessimist.

    he won't expect it back! Oscar Wilde
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    2 Responses Jun 17, 2015
    TheStoryman TheStoryman
    36-40, M
    4 Responses Dec 4, 2013
    SpaceOddity00 SpaceOddity00
    18-21, F
    1 Response Apr 9
    sirnatural sirnatural
    36-40, M
    1 Response Jan 22

    "I'll bend over backwards

    for just about anyone as long as they dont bend me over forwards"
    jayciedubb jayciedubb
    46-50, M
    1 Response Mar 20

    Which Lasted For A Few Seconds

    I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. —Woody Allen
    ladyryan ladyryan
    46-50, F
    2 Responses Jan 10, 2013
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Aug 2, 2015

    I got so excited spring is coming,

    that I wet my plants!
    Jpfunjunky Jpfunjunky
    31-35, M
    3 Responses Mar 3, 2015
    attcia attcia
    13-15, F
    3 Responses Sep 28, 2014
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Dec 31, 2015

    when people ask me when im going to do

    something I don't feel like doing or about something not likely to happen anytime soon, I say, "it will happen one day, not two day (today)"
    jayciedubb jayciedubb
    46-50, M
    Mar 21

    "I'm gonna ruin your looky-closey thingie,

    " Luke says to Ravi. "It is called a microscope, you ignoramus!" retorts Ravi to Luke. "I missed my cartoons for this?!?" Zuri fumes. "Spoiler alert!" Jessie retorts. "The coyote gets hit by the anvil!" - Disney series, Jessie
    loveismyfriend loveismyfriend
    36-40, F
    Mar 25

    I hate when you offer someone a sincere

    compliment on their mustache and all of a sudden she's not your friend any more.
    MarieIsHere MarieIsHere
    41-45, F
    Oct 20, 2015

    " it's true, I was born at night.

    but I wasn't born last night"
    jayciedubb jayciedubb
    46-50, M
    Mar 20

    "I am so sorry for my rude behavior yesterday.

    I had no idea you were a somebody." explains media reporter to local celebrity. "Here, it is perfectly permissible to be polite to nobodies" local celebrity responds wittingly. - TV show "Murder, She Wrote"
    loveismyfriend loveismyfriend
    36-40, F
    Feb 5

    "When I grow up I want to be a principal

    or a caterpillar" -Ralph Wiggum
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Jan 13

    " I only talk to myself

    when I need an expert opinion ! " is on a sign over my Dad's workbench.
    LionInWait LionInWait
    46-50, M
    1 Response Feb 2, 2015

    Anyone who says "nothing is impossible" has

    obviously never tried to staple jello to a tree.
    exitstageleft exitstageleft
    41-45, M
    3 Responses Jul 14, 2014

    Starbucks is cheap,,,

    , compared to what Victoria's Secret charges per cup! LOL! LOL! :)
    enchantedISLANDgirl enchantedISLANDgirl
    36-40, F
    3 Responses May 21, 2014

    "There's no I in team.

    So use the M and E instead"
    jayciedubb jayciedubb
    46-50, M
    2 Responses Mar 21

    "The fridge is a true example of what truly

    matters lies on the inside."
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Jan 24

    "It's not romantic to say

    that my eyes remind you of a full baboon." - Disney series "Jessie"
    loveismyfriend loveismyfriend
    36-40, F
    Mar 30

    Flight Attendant: Sir,

    why do you have a child's plane ticket? Man: Because I'm a child of God.
    SpaceOddity00 SpaceOddity00
    18-21, F
    Apr 1

    "I wish I was going to the prom with Jase

    instead of with Chuck. He won't leave me alone. His poems are getting worse." says Trish. "I've got a new girl. Her name is Trish. I lie awake at night thinking of our first kish." reads Ally. "There's no way I'm kishing him", Trish says. - Disney series Austin And Ally
    loveismyfriend loveismyfriend
    36-40, F
    Mar 20

    You know the world is going crazy

    when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    2 Responses Jun 29, 2015

    people say nothing is impossible

    but I do nothing every day ;-) Winnie-the-Pooh (my hero)
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Jun 17, 2015

    "Like I said in Mall jail,

    it may have been your idea but it took both of us to make those mannequins touch each other's butts." - Best Friends Whenever Disney series
    loveismyfriend loveismyfriend
    36-40, F
    Feb 13

    Have you ever noticed

    that the symbol '&' looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor? O_o
    SpaceOddity00 SpaceOddity00
    18-21, F
    1 Response Apr 17

    I can't get out of bed today,

    the blankets have accepted me as one of their own and if I leave now, I might lose their trust.
    Buoyantwaters Buoyantwaters
    18-21, F
    3 Responses Mar 21

    Learn a lesson from your dog - No matter what

    life brings you, kick some grass over that **** and move on
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Jul 13, 2015

    Stupid warnings on products.

    Or are they? 6PCS Precision screwdriver set not to be inserted into PENIS"
    Serenitree1 Serenitree1
    70+, F
    Jan 19

    I saw this on a sign in a store today: A

    nervous man is a man who has a mortgage payment, car payment, alimony payment, wife, and girlfriend that are all a month late.
    SirLaughalots SirLaughalots
    36-40, M
    2 Responses Apr 18, 2015
More Stories