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I Love Funny Quotes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,087 People

    " Sometimes I pretend to be Normal,

    but then it gets boring... so I go back to being me" 😎
    stacy0508 stacy0508 18-21, F Jul 8

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    TheStoryman TheStoryman 36-40, M 5 Responses Dec 4, 2013

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    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M Aug 15

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    Yeah, I do Just can't think of any at this

    moment. (Sounds of chirping crickets)
    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M 2 Responses Jul 25

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    Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip

    cookies are the reason I have trust issues.
    MCD1 MCD1 13-15, F 2 Responses Jun 28

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    Women are Angels😇

    and when someone breaks our wings we continue to fly...on a broomstick...we are flexible like that
    redlissa redlissa 36-40, F Jun 11

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    Anyone want to swap puns?

    They're the highest form if humour!
    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M Jul 4

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    Kids in the back seat,

    Cause accidents Accidents in the back seat, Cause kids.
    vadesigner vadesigner 46-50, M 1 Response Jun 10

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    If you've never seen an elephant ski then

    you've never been on acid. -Eddie Izzard
    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M Jul 4

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    Man1:How do you please your wife?

    Man2: when you are wrong admit it. When you are right, shut up. 😁
    Lovesweetlove Lovesweetlove 26-30, F 2 Responses Jul 17

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    LocketRainbow LocketRainbow 16-17, F 1 Response Apr 11

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    lovingRIZA lovingRIZA 51-55, F Jul 24

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    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M 1 Response Aug 1

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    My wife says picking my nose is disgusting,

    so now I have to do it myself.
    exitstageleft exitstageleft 41-45, M 1 Response Jul 14

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    hadiijawaid hadiijawaid 22-25, M 3 Responses Jun 5

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    trrrrrrouble trrrrrrouble 18-21, F Jul 30

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    I have six locks on my door all in a row.

    When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elaine Boosler
    blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti 36-40, F Mar 7

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    10 FACTS ABOUT YOU 1.

    Your reading this right now 2. Your realizing that is a stupid fact 4. You didn't realize I skipped three 5. Your checking now 6. Your smiling 7. Your still reading even though this is stupid 9. You didn't realize I skipped eight 10. Your checking again 11. Your enjoying this...
    Living2Heights Living2Heights 16-17, F 2 Responses Jul 14

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    "There's a light at the end of every tunnel.

    .just pray it's not a train"
    AwkwardlyClumsy AwkwardlyClumsy 16-17, F 2 Responses Jul 8

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    "The best defense is a good offense.

    Or is it the other way around?" - Wolverine.
    JohnBobMac JohnBobMac 16-17, T Aug 14

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    You have to stay in shape.

    My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneres.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Apr 7

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    Dear math, SOLVE YOUR OWN PROBLEMS.

    MATH=mental abuse to humans If I'm gonna hit someone, might as well hit em hard. What's the point of life without an annoying person to smack some sense into? (Ok, maybe that wasn't a quote, but it's so true!)
    Firtreegirl Firtreegirl 13-15, F 1 Response Aug 14

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    " I know why you hate me .

    .. It's because I'm better than you !" ( btw it's the quote not me )
    bela5562 bela5562 13-15, F Jul 21

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    Which Lasted For A Few Seconds

    I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. —Woody Allen
    ladyryan ladyryan 41-45, F 2 Responses Jan 10, 2013

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    intrigued4life intrigued4life 36-40, F 1 Response Apr 22

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    A book fell on my head last night.

    I've only got my shelf to blame.
    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M Jul 4

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    I hate it when people see me at the supermarket

    and they're like 'Hey, what are you doing here?' I tell them 'You know.. hunting elephants.' --- Anonymous
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Apr 6

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    Don't be a salad , be the best goddam bro

    collie you could ever be -pewidepie -2012 or 2013
    bela5562 bela5562 13-15, F Jul 21

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    lovingRIZA lovingRIZA 51-55, F 1 Response Jul 24

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    Compliment Vs Argument

    "You the bomb". "No you the bomb". Kind gesture in America, argument in the Middle East.
    SirLaughalots SirLaughalots 36-40, M 1 Response Aug 8, 2013

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    zaiiex zaiiex 22-25, M Mar 8

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    Friends are like bras!

    Close to the heart & always there for support! :)
    intrigued4life intrigued4life 36-40, F 2 Responses Apr 22

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    I have profound respect

    for chastity - in others.
    holloway64 holloway64 46-50, M Jul 17

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    If all else fails, immortality can always be

    assured by spectacular error. ~John Kenneth Galbraith
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Jun 10

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    From "Dark Shadows" Angelique

    Bouchard: I'm going to make an offer to you, Barnabas. My last. You can join me by my side and we can run Collinsport together as partners, and lovers... or I'll put you back in the box. Barnabas Collins: I have already prepared my counter-proposal. It reads thusly: You may...
    mareliberum mareliberum 26-30 Jun 10

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    "Art, don't freak out.

    " "Don't say my name. They might be listening!" "Thanks for not freaking out!" - upcoming Disney movie How To Build A Better Boy
    blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti 36-40, F Jul 20

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    The Secret Of Enjoying A Good Wine: 1.

    Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2. If it does not look like it's breathing give it mouth-to-mouth.
    alx99 alx99 36-40, F 1 Response Jul 20

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    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M 1 Response Aug 1

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    Touch it gently, put two fingers inside,

    if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down. That's how you wash a cup... =)
    alx99 alx99 36-40, F 2 Responses Jul 14

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    I dig, you dig, We dig,

    he dig, they dig…. It is not a a beautiful poem but it’s very deep.
    lloyds123 lloyds123 46-50, M 1 Response Aug 14

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    Anyone who says "nothing is impossible" has

    obviously never tried to staple jello to a tree.
    exitstageleft exitstageleft 41-45, M 3 Responses Jul 14

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    "The truth will set you free.

    ..but first it will **** you off" This is just so true😂😂
    stacy0508 stacy0508 18-21, F 1 Response Jul 6

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    Babies don't need a vacation,

    but I still see them at the beach... it ****** me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' - Steven Wright 😂
    Ohlababy Ohlababy 16-17, F Jun 10

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    Funny Quotes.....

    Sorry guys no funny story just quotes enjoy :D. 1.Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling 2.The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think...
    theangelDean theangelDean 18-21, F 4 Responses Oct 8, 2011

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    Starbucks is cheap,,,

    , compared to what Victoria's Secret charges per cup! LOL! LOL! :)
    intrigued4life intrigued4life 36-40, F 4 Responses May 21

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    MSeigler MSeigler 26-30, M Apr 20

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    Sometimes I wake up grumpy.

    Other times I just let her sleep.
    menelaeus menelaeus 61-65, M 1 Response Apr 3

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    A little girl is serving her father tea

    while her mother is out shopping. The mother comes home and the father says, "Watch this!" The little girl goes and serves the mother tea. The mother responds, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?" -
    Lovesweetlove Lovesweetlove 26-30, F 1 Response Jul 19

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    What does Justin Bieber

    and Pinocchio have in common? "They both want to be real boys"
    Living2Heights Living2Heights 16-17, F Aug 9

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    "Zayummmm! You got a bae?

    Or nah?"😂❤️ -Nash G.
    XSimplyXSuicideX XSimplyXSuicideX 13-15, F Jul 11

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    A bus station is where a bus stops.

    A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.. Damn right biatches!
    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M 1 Response Jul 12

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    pjoel123 pjoel123 18-21, M 1 Response Aug 12

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    Related Experiences

    i love good quotes specially of einstein ,i love those
    rev429 rev429 18-21, M 11 hrs ago

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    Whenever I was watching a movie if I heard a cool quote I would write it down on my phone . After a while I had so many quotes and now I'm like a walking quote book ,I have one for...
    Life8227 Life8227 16-17, F 1 Response Aug 6