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I Love Funny Quotes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,469 People

    A book fell on my head last night.

    I've only got my shelf to blame.
    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M Jul 4

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    attcia attcia 13-15, F 2 Responses Sep 28

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    You have to stay in shape.

    My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneres.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Apr 7

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    Axelerator3000 Axelerator3000 18-21, M Oct 19

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    I have six locks on my door all in a row.

    When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elaine Boosler
    blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti 36-40, F Mar 7

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    Compliment Vs Argument

    "You the bomb". "No you the bomb". Kind gesture in America, argument in the Middle East.
    SirLaughalots SirLaughalots 36-40, M 1 Response Aug 8, 2013

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 1 Response Dec 14

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    "The truth will set you free.

    ..but first it will **** you off" This is just so true😂😂
    stacy0508 stacy0508 18-21, F 1 Response Jul 6

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    "Sometimes me think: 'What is friend?

    '" And then me say: "Friend is someone to share the last cookie with." -Cookie Monster
    MendyNL MendyNL 18-21, F Oct 19

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    Always remember that you are absolutely unique.

    Just like everyone else. Margaret Mead
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Sep 30

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    Starbucks is cheap,,,

    , compared to what Victoria's Secret charges per cup! LOL! LOL! :)
    enchantedISLANDgirl enchantedISLANDgirl 36-40, F 4 Responses May 21

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    I married the first man I ever kissed.

    When I tell this to my children they just about throw up. Barbara Bush
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Sep 4

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    MNI1982 MNI1982 31-35, F Oct 7

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    Sometimes I wake up grumpy.

    Other times I just let her sleep.
    menelaeus menelaeus 61-65, M 1 Response Apr 3

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    EVERY MORNING Me: I really can't stay!

    Bed: But baby, it's cold outside!
    MendyNL MendyNL 18-21, F 1 Response Oct 19

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    All I ask is the chance to prove

    that money can't make me happy. Spike Milligan
    holloway64 holloway64 46-50, M 1 Response Dec 10

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    I have some in my photos.

    .. This is one
    dashuria dashuria 16-17, F Oct 19

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    Cause when a guy does something stupid once,

    well that's because he's a guy. But if he does the same stupid thing twice, that's usually to impress some girl - dr. Seuss
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 2 Responses Dec 14

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    Love will get u more tipsy

    than wine But wine helps too
    Drsoftpaw Drsoftpaw 13-15, M Oct 19

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    Hard work pays off in the future.

    Laziness pays off now. Steven Wright
    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M Nov 7

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    I hate it when people see me at the supermarket

    and they're like 'Hey, what are you doing here?' I tell them 'You know.. hunting elephants.' --- Anonymous
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Apr 6

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    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M 1 Response Oct 27

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    Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip

    cookies are the reason I have trust issues.
    MCD1 MCD1 13-15, F 2 Responses Jun 28

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    Life is like a roll of toilet paper,

    your either on a roll or taking **** from some *******.
    IAmARebel IAmARebel 13-15, F 1 Response Oct 19

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    hippiee hippiee 13-15, F 1 Response Sep 12

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    I ran three miles today.

    Finally I said "lady, take your purse"
    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M Dec 15

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    MSeigler MSeigler 26-30, M Apr 20

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    You have not experienced true fear

    until a poster falls down in the middle of the night
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M Dec 15

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    Women are Angels😇

    and when someone breaks our wings we continue to fly...on a broomstick...we are flexible like that
    redlissa redlissa 36-40, F Jun 11

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    I were out driving today,

    when I came across a sandwich board which read "Adults are just big kids with money" I thought how true ..It did make smile :)
    Mmmcherries Mmmcherries 46-50, F 4 Responses Nov 11

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    When life gives you lemon.

    Cut those suckers up and find some tequila.
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 1 Response 3 hrs ago

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    Babies don't need a vacation,

    but I still see them at the beach... it ****** me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!' - Steven Wright 😂
    Ohlababy Ohlababy 16-17, F Jun 10

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    Darjo74 Darjo74 36-40, M Nov 24

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    I have the body of an 18 year old.

    I keep it in my freezer.
    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M 2 Responses Nov 6

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    Funny Quotes.....

    Sorry guys no funny story just quotes enjoy :D. 1.Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling 2.The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think...
    theangelDean theangelDean 18-21, F 4 Responses Oct 8, 2011

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    "That's right. A guarenteed disaster.

    Like eating a burrito before sex." - Baldwin on 30 Rock
    Alphadog42 Alphadog42 31-35, M 1 Response 6 days ago

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    From "Dark Shadows" Angelique

    Bouchard: I'm going to make an offer to you, Barnabas. My last. You can join me by my side and we can run Collinsport together as partners, and lovers... or I'll put you back in the box. Barnabas Collins: I have already prepared my counter-proposal. It reads thusly: You may...
    mareliberum mareliberum 26-30 Jun 10

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    "There is nothing stronger

    than love" EXCEPT "GOKU" there is nothing stronger than GOKU
    Johnnystha Johnnystha 26-30, M Nov 15

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    "You should meet my friend,

    **** Sherlock. First name, No." - Cell
    JohnBobMac JohnBobMac 16-17, T Sep 1

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    enchantedISLANDgirl enchantedISLANDgirl 36-40, F 1 Response Apr 22

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    holloway64 holloway64 46-50, M Dec 10

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    Kids in the back seat,

    Cause accidents Accidents in the back seat, Cause kids.
    vadesigner vadesigner 46-50, M 1 Response Jun 10

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    Better to remain silent

    and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
    MendyNL MendyNL 18-21, F Nov 10

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    Anyone who says "nothing is impossible" has

    obviously never tried to staple jello to a tree.
    exitstageleft exitstageleft 41-45, M 3 Responses Jul 14

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    That moment when you talk to yourself

    and start smiling like an idiot because you are just so hilarious!
    MendyNL MendyNL 18-21, F 2 Responses Oct 19

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    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M Nov 7

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    Friends are like bras!

    Close to the heart & always there for support! :)
    enchantedISLANDgirl enchantedISLANDgirl 36-40, F 2 Responses Apr 22

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    TheStoryman TheStoryman 36-40, M 5 Responses Dec 4, 2013

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    hadiijawaid hadiijawaid 22-25, M 3 Responses Jun 5

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    I dig, you dig, We dig,

    he dig, they dig…. It is not a a beautiful poem but it’s very deep.
    lloyds123 lloyds123 46-50, M 2 Responses Aug 14

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    My grandfather used to say

    that "Sex after sixty is like shooting pool with a rope." Lol...God rest his merry soul.
    Loverofpeace Loverofpeace 36-40, F 1 Response Nov 1

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    LocketRainbow LocketRainbow 16-17, F 1 Response Apr 11

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