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I Love Funny Quotes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,023 People

    " I only talk to myself

    when I need an expert opinion ! " is on a sign over my Dad's workbench.
    LionInWait LionInWait 46-50, M 3 Responses Feb 2

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    scribblingchimpanzee scribblingchimpanzee 22-25, M 1 Response Jul 16

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    if you love someone set them free.

    I'd they come back to you nobody else wanted them.
    CallmeHopelessNotRomantic CallmeHopelessNotRomantic 36-40, F 1 Response Jun 18

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    hadiijawaid hadiijawaid 26-30, M 3 Responses Jun 5, 2014

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    "Sometimes me think: 'What is friend?

    '" And then me say: "Friend is someone to share the last cookie with." -Cookie Monster
    MendyNL MendyNL 18-21, F Oct 19, 2014

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    You love flowers, but you cut them.

    You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared.
    Holman27 Holman27 31-35, M 1 Response May 26

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    QuInieFox QuInieFox 22-25, F Jun 19

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    this one made even me laugh: Everyone should

    be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.” Lemony Snicket
    Tiffany94 Tiffany94 26-30, F 3 Responses Jun 29

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    I saw this on a sign in a store today: A

    nervous man is a man who has a mortgage payment, car payment, alimony payment, wife, and girlfriend that are all a month late.
    SirLaughalots SirLaughalots 36-40, M 4 Responses Apr 18

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    Lol, this happens almost everyday.

    All I can say is "okay, why care? My voice is worse than that problem! Move on!!!!!" Lmao xD
    QuInieFox QuInieFox 22-25, F Jun 19

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    "If we work together,

    there's nothing we can't do", says Dez to his girlfriend. "Really? Can you teach me how to fly?" she excitedly asks him. "Okay, there's one thing we can't do" - Austin And Ally
    loveismyfriend loveismyfriend 36-40, F 4 days ago

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    lucy6501 lucy6501 13-15, F Jun 17

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    It's not true that I had nothing on.

    I had the radio on.” Marilyn Monroe
    Tiffany94 Tiffany94 26-30, F 1 Response Jun 29

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    attcia attcia 13-15, F 3 Responses Sep 28, 2014

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    miaici miaici 36-40, F 1 Response Jun 19

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    High up above, aliens hover,

    making home movies for folks back home, Of all these weird creatures, who lock up their spirits, drill holes on themselves and live for their secrets... ~ Thom Yorke of Radiohead
    Human4 Human4 16-17, M Jun 17

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    id like to dance with you till the cows came

    home ...second thoughts id like to dance with the cows till you come home groucho marx
    DamoLFC96 DamoLFC96 41-45, M 3 Responses Jun 17

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    I don't have a bad handwriting,

    I have my own font. :))
    miru1 miru1 26-30, F 1 Response 21 hrs ago

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    "Ching Chang chong" -Ryan Higa (He

    actually said this but the video has been taken down)
    Firechiic Firechiic 16-17, F Jul 3

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    :)

    miru1 miru1 26-30, F 1 Response Jul 14

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    You know the world is going crazy

    when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush...
    Tiffany94 Tiffany94 26-30, F 2 Responses Jun 29

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    Kids in the back seat,

    Cause accidents Accidents in the back seat, Cause kids.
    vadesigner vadesigner 46-50, M 1 Response Jun 10, 2014

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    When my grampa gets hurt

    and someone asks if he's ok he always says "It's just old age, I'll get over it."
    Firechiic Firechiic 16-17, F Jul 3

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    "The truth will set you free.

    ..but first it will **** you off" This is just so true😂😂
    stacy0508 stacy0508 18-21, F 1 Response Jul 6, 2014

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    miru1 miru1 26-30, F Jul 3

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    miru1 miru1 26-30, F Jul 12

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    I read recipes the same way I read science

    fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”
    miru1 miru1 26-30, F 1 Response 21 hrs ago

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    Smurfberry24 Smurfberry24 13-15, F 2 Responses May 14

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    Miki828 Miki828 16-17, M Jun 17

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    IF "Plan A"Didn't Work.

    The alphabet has25 more letters!Stay Cool.
    miru1 miru1 26-30, F 1 Response Jun 17

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    I dig, you dig, We dig,

    he dig, they dig…. It is not a a beautiful poem but it’s very deep.
    lloyds123 lloyds123 46-50, M 1 Response Aug 14, 2014

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    Starbucks is cheap,,,

    , compared to what Victoria's Secret charges per cup! LOL! LOL! :)
    enchantedISLANDgirl enchantedISLANDgirl 36-40, F 4 Responses May 21, 2014

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    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M Oct 27, 2014

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    Tiffany94 Tiffany94 26-30, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    TheStoryman TheStoryman 36-40, M 4 Responses Dec 4, 2013

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    That moment when you talk to yourself

    and start smiling like an idiot because you are just so hilarious!
    MendyNL MendyNL 18-21, F 2 Responses Oct 19, 2014

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    The trick is to not let people know how really

    weird you are until it's too late for them to back out. Lol :)
    Daydreaming2 Daydreaming2 41-45, F 1 Response Apr 26

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    a woman's mind is cleaner

    than a man's: she changes it more often Oliver Henford
    miaici miaici 36-40, F 1 Response Jun 20

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    Life is like a roll of toilet paper,

    your either on a roll or taking **** from some *******.
    IAmARebel IAmARebel 13-15, F 2 Responses Oct 19, 2014

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    the shinbone is a device

    for finding furniture in a dark room
    miaici miaici 36-40, F 1 Response Jun 18

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    deleted deleted 26-30 2 Responses Apr 19

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    always borrow money from a pessimist.

    he won't expect it back! Oscar Wilde
    miaici miaici 36-40, F 3 Responses Jun 17

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    I got so excited spring is coming,

    that I wet my plants!
    Jpfunjunky Jpfunjunky 31-35, M 3 Responses Mar 3

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    LocketRainbow LocketRainbow 18-21, F Apr 11, 2014

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    MSeigler MSeigler 26-30, M Apr 20, 2014

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    people say nothing is impossible

    but I do nothing every day ;-) Winnie-the-Pooh (my hero)
    miaici miaici 36-40, F 1 Response Jun 17

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    I will slap you so hard that

    even goggle won't be able to find you.
    Tiffany94 Tiffany94 26-30, F 3 Responses 2 days ago

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