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I Love Funny Quotes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 628 People

    Which Lasted For A Few Seconds

    I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. —Woody Allen
    ladyryan ladyryan 41-45, F 3 Responses Jan 10, 2013

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    Snappy Comeback

    Sir Winston Churchill was a prodigious drinker. At a prestigious party he had had one too many and was approached by an aristocratic woman. "You, Mr. Prime Minister, are drunk". Churchill's response? "And you, madam, are ugly. Tomorrow I shall be sober."
    menelaeus menelaeus 61-65, M 1 Response Oct 27, 2013

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    It's weird when I compliment a dog like aww your

    so cute and then the owners like say thank you snuggles and I'm just standing there well your welcome snuggles .
    emma143 emma143 16-17, F 1 Response Mar 14

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    I hate it when people see me at the supermarket

    and they're like 'Hey, what are you doing here?' I tell them 'You know.. hunting elephants.' --- Anonymous
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Apr 6

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    Compliment Vs Argument

    "You the bomb". "No you the bomb". Kind gesture in America, argument in the Middle East.
    SirLaughalots SirLaughalots 36-40, M 1 Response Aug 8, 2013

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    Plan A

    If Plan A doesn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters. Keep Calm. ~ unknown
    CopperBlaze CopperBlaze 31-35, F 2 Responses Jul 7, 2013

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    Comment if you run like mad

    after switching off the light so no one can kill you in the dark
    silentlyhurtingeveryday silentlyhurtingeveryday 13-15, F 2 Responses Apr 5

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    When life gives you lemons,

    wonder why the hell life has given you lemons When life gives you lemons, make sure to pay him back When life gives you lemons, make apple juice to confuse him When life gives you lemons, squuuueeezzzeee the lemon juice into his eyes and yell '**** YOU LIFE' When life gives...
    snazzygal3000 snazzygal3000 13-15, F Mar 10

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    Guy who is the king of lazy: "My dad left me in

    charge." Girl who is known to be in your face, bold, funny and sarcastic: "You're in charge??? I have more hair on my legs than you do!!!" Other female friend in the best friend pack: "I wouldn't brag about that, sweetie." - I Didn't Do It
    blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti 36-40, F Mar 26

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    Sometimes....when you cry.

    ... no one sees your tears. Sometimes....when you are in pain.... no one sees your hurt. Sometimes....when you are worried.... no one sees your stress. Sometimes....when you are happy.... no one sees your smile. But FART !! just ONE time And everybody notices...
    blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti 36-40, F 2 Responses Apr 4

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    Wifi

    I use to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their wifi.
    DreamerGirl27 DreamerGirl27 13-15, F Nov 6, 2013

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    TheStoryman TheStoryman 36-40, M 5 Responses Dec 4, 2013

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    Taylor Swift has more break ups

    than a kit-kat bar does:)
    GabbyChronister GabbyChronister 18-21, F 1 Response Feb 28

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    The more I learn about people,

    the more I like my dog- mark twain
    scarpi scarpi 18-21, M Apr 6

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    Normally I'm quoting stupid movies like mean

    girls and step brothers but lately I've been quoting Kevin Hart and I think I have a problem. Like I'll randomly yell 'she wasn't ready!' or 'you ain't gonna do shiiit' but most people have no idea what I'm talking about which is no fun for me.. I have no idea where I'm going...
    trrrrrrouble trrrrrrouble 18-21, F 1 Response Feb 18

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    When life gives you lemons,

    cut them in half and squirt life in the eye!
    menelaeus menelaeus 61-65, M Apr 3

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    A vegetarian is a person

    who won't eat anything that can have children. - David Brenner
    blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti 36-40, F Mar 7

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    "Where is their M O M?

    " "Hello! I'm NINE. I can S P E L L." - Judging Amy
    blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti 36-40, F Apr 3

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    LocketRainbow LocketRainbow 16-17, F 1 Response a week ago

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    dreammss dreammss 26-30, F 3 days ago

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    "It's nice to meet someone

    who knows how to be discreet." - a character on a TV show said this as a goodbye to an acquaintance. The acquaintance said she never divulges confidential stuff about who she works with but then revealed to the lady who was sleeping with who, who hung out with who, who had what...
    blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti 36-40, F Apr 8

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    Funny Quotes.....

    Sorry guys no funny story just quotes enjoy :D. 1.Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling 2.The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think...
    theangelDean theangelDean 18-21, F 4 Responses Oct 8, 2011

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    "As soon as it goes dark,

    we go commando," says the dad. "Dad, I don't think commando means what you think", says the son. "At least, I hope not," says the oldest daughter. - Dog With A Blog
    blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti 36-40, F 3 Responses 6 days ago

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    Greys anatomy: Dr. Bailey: do you honestly

    believe I care? Izzie: no Dr. Bailey: good maybe your not as stupid as I thought
    Brownhorse18 Brownhorse18 16-17, F Mar 9

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    Chuck Norris - LOL

    "Chuck Norris has a bear carpet in his house, the bear isn't dead its just afraid to move."
    voodoovalkyrie voodoovalkyrie 26-30 2 Responses Aug 1, 2013

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    "Stu is not my boyfriend",

    Amy adamantly states. "I'm sorry. Maybe boyfriend is too strong a word", Maxine comments. "What do you call someone with whom you are naked a lot of the time?" - Judging Amy
    blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti 36-40, F Mar 7

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    Grammar

    Grammar.The difference between knowing your **** and knowing you're ****.
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 1 Response May 6, 2013

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    The first time I sang in the church choir; two

    hundred people changed their religion. - Fred Allen
    blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti 36-40, F Mar 7

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    I hate when my teachers are always like

    if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it at all .... That's why I don't talk to you
    emma143 emma143 16-17, F Mar 15

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    dreammss dreammss 26-30, F Mar 31

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    Early Bird

    The early bird may get the worm but the 2nd mouse gets the cheese.
    SirLaughalots SirLaughalots 36-40, M 1 Response Jul 26, 2013

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    zaiiex zaiiex 22-25, M Mar 9

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    Get your facts first,

    then you can distort them as you please.Mark Twain.
    mona87 mona87 46-50, F 3 Responses Mar 10

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    Left And Right

    OMG,I have finally Discovered what's Wrong with my brain: on the left side, there's nothing right ! and on the right side there's nothing left!
    bestmoments bestmoments 36-40, F 2 Responses Jul 9, 2013

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    You have to stay in shape.

    My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneres.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Apr 7

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    Reservations to a great restaurant $275 That

    beautiful Mercedes Benz rental $200 A nice gift $150 Reservations to a five start hotel $450 A box rubbers $37.87c Find out that she has monthly menstruation priceless For everything else there's visa MasterCard lmfao!!!!
    Warlord321 Warlord321 26-30, M Feb 3

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    Nascar

    Is it called NASCAR because that's the way a hillbilly pronounces "nice car?"
    tonyexperience tonyexperience 46-50, M 1 Response Jul 17, 2013

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    "I don't know what's more awkward: Answering

    Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you..."
    Owlmaid Owlmaid 22-25, F 1 Response Feb 2

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    God please give me patience,

    if you give me strength I will just punch them on the face.
    dreammss dreammss 26-30, F 2 Responses Mar 31

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    I have six locks on my door all in a row.

    When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elaine Boosler
    blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti 36-40, F Mar 7

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    Chuck Norris... He knows Victoria's secret.

    Superman has Chuck Norris PJs. Tetanus gets a Chuck Norris shot. Chuck Norris has inside jokes with strangers. The lottery won Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris declined the offer to portray The Most Interesting Man in the world in TV commercials; he said the job was "too boring...
    FakeIsTheNewReal FakeIsTheNewReal 31-35, F Apr 1

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    To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New

    Car Interior.' - Rita Rudner
    blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti 36-40, F Mar 7

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    Sometimes I wake up grumpy.

    Other times I just let her sleep.
    menelaeus menelaeus 61-65, M Apr 3

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    Girls who pretend to act stupid

    because they think its cute need to be slapped in the face with a brick. - unknown
    CopperBlaze CopperBlaze 31-35, F Feb 16

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    I'm not a real movie star.

    I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago. - Will Rogers
    blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti 36-40, F Mar 7

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    Sadly my daydreams of being skinny are

    interrupted by the sound of me chewing
    emma143 emma143 16-17, F Mar 8

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    zaiiex zaiiex 22-25, M Mar 8

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    I always wanted to be somebody,

    but now I realize I should have been more specific.
    Loveuloveme Loveuloveme 31-35, F Feb 21

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    Related Experiences

    Am also bit of funny type character an I love funny guys azwell laughing z god if someone enjy ma conversation an laugh on it Thad's great feeling fo me Bcoz world is full of...
    usman1engnieer usman1engnieer 22-25, M Apr 7

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    I love this! Made me laugh a bit :)
    WarriorWannabe WarriorWannabe 13-15, F 1 Response Mar 20

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    ^^ so i am like a really very romantic person and i love love <3 i am gonna share some beautiful quotes on/about love Nothing better than to love and be loved.Right guys? :) So...
    Angelina1992 Angelina1992 18-21, F 1 Response Mar 30

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    I love to collect movie quotes here's a few that I love. Stoker (2013) "This is me. Just as a flower does not choose its color, we are not responsible for what we have come to be...
    GrumpyGrouchy GrumpyGrouchy 22-25, F 1 Response Mar 24

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    "When you've been betrayed by a friend, you hit back.""I'm not interested in friends from those places and I don't trust politicians.""This country is still growing up. Certain...
    TheGreatLeveler TheGreatLeveler 22-25, M Apr 3

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    I love to write and read poems and quotes,mostly passionate ones as this creates a deep moment of pure excitement . Sharing such moments with someone your connected with is such a...
    DrPassion DrPassion 41-45, M Apr 10

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    Every month is November Sara, and I love you every day. This is our month and it never has to end. I surrender all attempts to control life, yours or mine. I live for one thing, to...
    Angelina1992 Angelina1992 18-21, F 1 Response Mar 29

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    “Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they...
    Angelina1992 Angelina1992 18-21, F 1 Response Mar 30