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I Love Funny Quotes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,731 People

    As you slide down the banister of life,

    may the splinters never point in the wrong direction ~ An Irish saying~
    orchidangel orchidangel 41-45, F 4 Responses Feb 20

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    Life is like a roll of toilet paper,

    your either on a roll or taking **** from some *******.
    IAmARebel IAmARebel 13-15, F 2 Responses Oct 19, 2014

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    enchantedISLANDgirl enchantedISLANDgirl 36-40, F 1 Response Apr 22, 2014

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    RedHwaiting RedHwaiting 18-21, F Feb 17

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    Why do we park in a driveway

    and drive on a parkway? I think it's because if we tried to drive in a driveway, we would hit the garage door; and, if we tried to park on a parkway, we'd get hit and/or a ticket.
    laylonolonger laylonolonger 41-45, M 1 Response Mar 11

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    Kids in the back seat,

    Cause accidents Accidents in the back seat, Cause kids.
    vadesigner vadesigner 46-50, M 1 Response Jun 10, 2014

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    You have to stay in shape.

    My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneres.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Apr 7, 2014

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    I'm not to sure if this qualifies

    but this pretty much just happened to me: -Watches Naruto over Netflix, episode where Lee opens the gates and unleashes a serious case of whoop *** on Gaara- Gaara: "What is this?! He's moving too fast! My armor can't take this pounding!" Me: -lightly smirks- "That's what...
    WarriorsHeart WarriorsHeart 22-25, M May 12

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    "Sometimes me think: 'What is friend?

    '" And then me say: "Friend is someone to share the last cookie with." -Cookie Monster
    MendyNL MendyNL 18-21, F Oct 19, 2014

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    "God gave men brains larger

    than dogs' so they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties." (Hackers (1995))
    Novemberman Novemberman 22-25, M Apr 19

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    I want to be the reason you look down at your

    phone and smile....then walk into a pole.. Giggle..:)
    deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses May 4

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    Friends are like bras!

    Close to the heart & always there for support! :)
    enchantedISLANDgirl enchantedISLANDgirl 36-40, F 2 Responses Apr 22, 2014

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    Beer might not be the solution,

    but it is a solution. Ask a chemist.
    Holman27 Holman27 31-35, M 1 hr ago

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    Women are Angels😇

    and when someone breaks our wings we continue to fly...on a broomstick...we are flexible like that
    redlissa redlissa 36-40, F Jun 11, 2014

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    "This seaweed needs a little salt" - Kwazii "Ah,

    let me help. I feel a sneeze coming on!" - marine iguana "Uh, that's okay" - Kwazii - Octonauts (marine iguanas eat seaweed and sneeze out the salt)
    neverendingfairytale2 neverendingfairytale2 36-40, F May 7

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    "Baked Alaska is baked right here in Florida!

    " - Rose to Dorothy "Yes Rose, and Mars Bars are made right here on Earth!" - Dorothy to Rose - The Golden Girls
    neverendingfairytale2 neverendingfairytale2 36-40, F May 3

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    Smurfberry24 Smurfberry24 13-15, F 2 Responses May 14

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    hadiijawaid hadiijawaid 26-30, M 3 Responses Jun 5, 2014

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    "Women need a reason

    for having sex, men just need a place."
    Novemberman Novemberman 22-25, M Apr 19

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    SloaneJ SloaneJ 16-17, F 2 Responses Apr 19

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    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M 1 Response Oct 27, 2014

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    "The truth will set you free.

    ..but first it will **** you off" This is just so true😂😂
    stacy0508 stacy0508 18-21, F 1 Response Jul 6, 2014

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    The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree',

    the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject!!
    orchidangel orchidangel 41-45, F 3 Responses Feb 26

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    Jpfunjunky Jpfunjunky 31-35, M 1 Response Mar 17

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    "Fighting for peace is like screwing

    for virginity." -George Carlin 😋
    Loverofpeace Loverofpeace 41-45, F 8 Responses Jan 15

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    Which Lasted For A Few Seconds

    I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. —Woody Allen
    ladyryan ladyryan 41-45, F 2 Responses Jan 10, 2013

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    TheStoryman TheStoryman 36-40, M 4 Responses Dec 4, 2013

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    Tiffany94 Tiffany94 26-30, F 2 Responses May 7

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    Euphoricbunnymaster Euphoricbunnymaster 18-21, F 2 Responses Mar 23

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    "I don't want to date someone normal.

    I want to date you." - Tony "Thanks?!" - Jessie - Disney series "Jessie"
    neverendingfairytale2 neverendingfairytale2 36-40, F May 3

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    You love flowers, but you cut them.

    You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared.
    Holman27 Holman27 31-35, M 1 Response 9 hrs ago

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    Don't you just love when your crush texts you

    cute things like: 'Who is this?' and 'How did you get my number?'
    SloaneJ SloaneJ 16-17, F 1 Response May 11

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    LocketRainbow LocketRainbow 16-17, F Apr 11, 2014

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    That moment when you talk to yourself

    and start smiling like an idiot because you are just so hilarious!
    MendyNL MendyNL 18-21, F 2 Responses Oct 19, 2014

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    I got so excited spring is coming,

    that I wet my plants!
    Jpfunjunky Jpfunjunky 31-35, M 4 Responses Mar 3

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    From "Dark Shadows" Angelique

    Bouchard: I'm going to make an offer to you, Barnabas. My last. You can join me by my side and we can run Collinsport together as partners, and lovers... or I'll put you back in the box. Barnabas Collins: I have already prepared my counter-proposal. It reads thusly: You may...
    mareliberum mareliberum 26-30 Jun 10, 2014

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    Anyone who says "nothing is impossible" has

    obviously never tried to staple jello to a tree.
    exitstageleft exitstageleft 41-45, M 3 Responses Jul 14, 2014

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    Sometimes I wake up grumpy.

    Other times I just let her sleep.
    menelaeus menelaeus 61-65, M 1 Response Apr 3, 2014

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    Shansai84 Shansai84 26-30, F 5 days ago

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    SweetcakesJr SweetcakesJr 13-15, F Apr 22

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    The 2 most common elements in the world are

    hydrogen and stupidity. Not necessarily in the order....
    MNI1982 MNI1982 31-35, F 1 Response May 12

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    The trick is to not let people know how really

    weird you are until it's too late for them to back out. Lol :)
    Daydreaming2 Daydreaming2 41-45, F 1 Response Apr 26

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    I hate it when people see me at the supermarket

    and they're like 'Hey, what are you doing here?' I tell them 'You know.. hunting elephants.' --- Anonymous
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Apr 6, 2014

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    "Something, something,

    something, dark side . . . Something, something, something, complete . . . !" May the 4th be with you, everyone. =)
    AdolescentBro AdolescentBro 18-21, M May 4

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    MSeigler MSeigler 26-30, M Apr 20, 2014

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    Euphoricbunnymaster Euphoricbunnymaster 18-21, F Mar 18

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