Post

I Love Funny Quotes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 965 People

    intrigued4life intrigued4life 36-40, F 1 Response Apr 22

    Your Response

    Cancel
    MSeigler MSeigler 26-30, M Apr 20

    Your Response

    Cancel

    You have to stay in shape.

    My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneres.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Apr 7

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Kids in the back seat,

    Cause accidents Accidents in the back seat, Cause kids.
    vadesigner vadesigner 46-50, M Jun 10

    Your Response

    Cancel
    hadiijawaid hadiijawaid 22-25, M 3 Responses Jun 5

    Your Response

    Cancel
    lovingRIZA lovingRIZA 51-55, F 7 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Women are Angels😇

    and when someone breaks our wings we continue to fly...on a broomstick...we are flexible like that
    redlissa redlissa 36-40, F Jun 11

    Your Response

    Cancel

    10 FACTS ABOUT YOU 1.

    Your reading this right now 2. Your realizing that is a stupid fact 4. You didn't realize I skipped three 5. Your checking now 6. Your smiling 7. Your still reading even though this is stupid 9. You didn't realize I skipped eight 10. Your checking again 11. Your enjoying this...
    Living2Heights Living2Heights 13-15, F 2 Responses Jul 14

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Chuck Norris - LOL

    "Chuck Norris has a bear carpet in his house, the bear isn't dead its just afraid to move."
    voodoovalkyrie voodoovalkyrie 26-30 2 Responses Aug 1, 2013

    Your Response

    Cancel

    If you've never seen an elephant ski then

    you've never been on acid. -Eddie Izzard
    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M Jul 4

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Normally I'm quoting stupid movies like mean

    girls and step brothers but lately I've been quoting Kevin Hart and I think I have a problem. Like I'll randomly yell 'she wasn't ready!' or 'you ain't gonna do shiiit' but most people have no idea what I'm talking about which is no fun for me.. I have no idea where I'm going...
    trrrrrrouble trrrrrrouble 18-21, F 1 Response Feb 18

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A little girl is serving her father tea

    while her mother is out shopping. The mother comes home and the father says, "Watch this!" The little girl goes and serves the mother tea. The mother responds, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?" -
    Lovesweetlove Lovesweetlove 26-30, F 2 Responses 5 days ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    " Sometimes I pretend to be Normal,

    but then it gets boring... so I go back to being me" 😎
    stacy0508 stacy0508 18-21, F Jul 8

    Your Response

    Cancel

    "Zayummmm! You got a bae?

    Or nah?"😂❤️ -Nash G.
    XxbixtchybellaxX XxbixtchybellaxX 13-15, F 1 Response Jul 11

    Your Response

    Cancel

    "Shields are like friends; the good ones come

    extra benefits." - Marcus from Borderlands 2 Hahahah
    TheYoungHawaiian TheYoungHawaiian 18-21, M Jun 29

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Kids in the back seat,

    Cause accidents Accidents in the back seat, Cause kids.
    vadesigner vadesigner 46-50, M Jun 10

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A book fell on my head last night.

    I've only got my shelf to blame.
    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M Jul 4

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The moment when that little voice in your head

    says "Yep... Your going to hell"
    Living2Heights Living2Heights 13-15, F 2 Responses Jul 2

    Your Response

    Cancel
    zaiiex zaiiex 22-25, M Mar 8

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Man1:How do you please your wife?

    Man2: when you are wrong admit it. When you are right, shut up. 😁
    Lovesweetlove Lovesweetlove 26-30, F 2 Responses 6 days ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip

    cookies are the reason I have trust issues.
    MCD1 MCD1 13-15, F 2 Responses Jun 28

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Funny Quotes.....

    Sorry guys no funny story just quotes enjoy :D. 1.Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling 2.The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think...
    theangelDean theangelDean 18-21, F 4 Responses Oct 8, 2011

    Your Response

    Cancel

    " I know why you hate me .

    .. It's because I'm better than you !" ( btw it's the quote not me )
    bela5562 bela5562 13-15, F 3 days ago

    Your Response

    Cancel
    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M Jul 4

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Touch it gently, put two fingers inside,

    if it's wide use three fingers, make sure it's wet and rub up and down. That's how you wash a cup... =)
    alx99 alx99 36-40, F 2 Responses Jul 14

    Your Response

    Cancel

    "There's a light at the end of every tunnel.

    .just pray it's not a train"
    BossiRossi BossiRossi 16-17, F 2 Responses Jul 8

    Your Response

    Cancel

    "The truth will set you free.

    ..but first it will **** you off" This is just so true😂😂
    stacy0508 stacy0508 18-21, F Jul 6

    Your Response

    Cancel
    LocketRainbow LocketRainbow 16-17, F 1 Response Apr 11

    Your Response

    Cancel

    I have six locks on my door all in a row.

    When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elaine Boosler
    blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti 36-40, F Mar 7

    Your Response

    Cancel

    I have profound respect

    for chastity - in others.
    holloway64 holloway64 46-50, M a week ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    From "Dark Shadows" Angelique

    Bouchard: I'm going to make an offer to you, Barnabas. My last. You can join me by my side and we can run Collinsport together as partners, and lovers... or I'll put you back in the box. Barnabas Collins: I have already prepared my counter-proposal. It reads thusly: You may...
    thelonewood thelonewood 26-30 Jun 10

    Your Response

    Cancel
    lovingRIZA lovingRIZA 51-55, F 6 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Awesome things will happen today,

    if you choose not to be a miserable cow - Funny motivation poster courtesy of Etsy.com (ClicheZero)
    wjean71 wjean71 41-45, F 1 Response Jun 24

    Your Response

    Cancel
    TheStoryman TheStoryman 36-40, M 5 Responses Dec 4, 2013

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Starbucks is cheap,,,

    , compared to what Victoria's Secret charges per cup! LOL! LOL! :)
    intrigued4life intrigued4life 36-40, F 4 Responses May 21

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The Secret Of Enjoying A Good Wine: 1.

    Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2. If it does not look like it's breathing give it mouth-to-mouth.
    alx99 alx99 36-40, F 1 Response 4 days ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    If you're going to be a turd,

    the least you could do is go lay in the yard.
    7katelyn1 7katelyn1 13-15, F Jun 10

    Your Response

    Cancel

    "As soon as it goes dark,

    we go commando," says the dad. "Dad, I don't think commando means what you think", says the son. "At least, I hope not," says the oldest daughter. - Dog With A Blog
    blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti 36-40, F 3 Responses Apr 12

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A bus station is where a bus stops.

    A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.. Damn right biatches!
    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M 1 Response Jul 12

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Don't be a salad , be the best goddam bro

    collie you could ever be -pewidepie -2012 or 2013
    bela5562 bela5562 13-15, F 3 days ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Friends are like bras!

    Close to the heart & always there for support! :)
    intrigued4life intrigued4life 36-40, F 2 Responses Apr 22

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Sometimes I wake up grumpy.

    Other times I just let her sleep.
    menelaeus menelaeus 61-65, M 1 Response Apr 3

    Your Response

    Cancel

    I hate it when people see me at the supermarket

    and they're like 'Hey, what are you doing here?' I tell them 'You know.. hunting elephants.' --- Anonymous
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Apr 6

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Compliment Vs Argument

    "You the bomb". "No you the bomb". Kind gesture in America, argument in the Middle East.
    SirLaughalots SirLaughalots 36-40, M 1 Response Aug 8, 2013

    Your Response

    Cancel

    "Art, don't freak out.

    " "Don't say my name. They might be listening!" "Thanks for not freaking out!" - upcoming Disney movie How To Build A Better Boy
    blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti 36-40, F 4 days ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    If all else fails, immortality can always be

    assured by spectacular error. ~John Kenneth Galbraith
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Jun 10

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Anyone want to swap puns?

    They're the highest form if humour!
    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M Jul 4

    Your Response

    Cancel

    My wife says picking my nose is disgusting,

    so now I have to do it myself.
    exitstageleft exitstageleft 41-45, M 1 Response Jul 14

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Wifi

    I use to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their wifi.
    DreamerGirl27 DreamerGirl27 13-15, F 1 Response Nov 6, 2013

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Snappy Comeback

    Sir Winston Churchill was a prodigious drinker. At a prestigious party he had had one too many and was approached by an aristocratic woman. "You, Mr. Prime Minister, are drunk". Churchill's response? "And you, madam, are ugly. Tomorrow I shall be sober."
    menelaeus menelaeus 61-65, M 2 Responses Oct 27, 2013

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Anyone who says "nothing is impossible" has

    obviously never tried to staple jello to a tree.
    exitstageleft exitstageleft 41-45, M 3 Responses Jul 14

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Which Lasted For A Few Seconds

    I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. —Woody Allen
    ladyryan ladyryan 41-45, F 2 Responses Jan 10, 2013

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Related Experiences

    Someone once asked, when you have a handful of divorces, sadness, bad thoughts and hatred. And another hand full of joy, friendship, love and kindness. What do you really have...
    HappensForAReason HappensForAReason 13-15, M Jul 13

    Your Response

    Cancel
    The funny thing is, on the outside, I was an honest man, straight as an arrow. I had to come to prison to be a crook. — Tim Robbins as Andy Dufresne From, "The Shawshank...
    maverick1962 maverick1962 51-55, M 1 Response