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I Love Funny Quotes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,511 People

    Funny Quotes.....

    Sorry guys no funny story just quotes enjoy :D. 1.Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling 2.The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think...
    theangelDean theangelDean 18-21, F 4 Responses Oct 8, 2011

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    I ran three miles today.

    Finally I said "lady, take your purse"
    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M Dec 15, 2014

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    Darjo74 Darjo74 36-40, M Nov 24, 2014

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    I have the body of an 18 year old.

    I keep it in my freezer.
    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M 2 Responses Nov 6, 2014

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    A book fell on my head last night.

    I've only got my shelf to blame.
    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M Jul 4, 2014

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    Kids in the back seat,

    Cause accidents Accidents in the back seat, Cause kids.
    vadesigner vadesigner 46-50, M 1 Response Jun 10, 2014

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    EVERY MORNING Me: I really can't stay!

    Bed: But baby, it's cold outside!
    MendyNL MendyNL 18-21, F 1 Response Oct 19, 2014

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    "There is nothing stronger

    than love" EXCEPT "GOKU" there is nothing stronger than GOKU
    Johnnystha Johnnystha 26-30, M Nov 15, 2014

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    Love will get u more tipsy

    than wine But wine helps too
    Drsoftpaw Drsoftpaw 13-15, M Oct 19, 2014

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    You have not experienced true fear

    until a poster falls down in the middle of the night
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M Dec 15, 2014

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    Women are Angels😇

    and when someone breaks our wings we continue to fly...on a broomstick...we are flexible like that
    redlissa redlissa 36-40, F Jun 11, 2014

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    GIRL, IF YOU WERE A VEGETABLE YOU'D BE A

    CUCUMBER, BECAUSE ITS CUTE AND I WANNA SHOVE IT UP MY ***. Hahahahaha.
    Euphoricbunnymaster Euphoricbunnymaster 18-21, F 3 Responses Jan 8

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    "Fighting for peace is like screwing

    for virginity." -George Carlin 😋
    Loverofpeace Loverofpeace 36-40, F 10 Responses Jan 15

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    He who fights and runs away,

    lives to fight another day (skeletor)
    ringgo69 ringgo69 31-35, M 3 days ago

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    That moment when you talk to yourself

    and start smiling like an idiot because you are just so hilarious!
    MendyNL MendyNL 18-21, F 2 Responses Oct 19, 2014

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    I were out driving today,

    when I came across a sandwich board which read "Adults are just big kids with money" I thought how true ..It did make smile :)
    Mmmcherries Mmmcherries 46-50, F 4 Responses Nov 11, 2014

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    Sometimes I wake up grumpy.

    Other times I just let her sleep.
    menelaeus menelaeus 61-65, M 1 Response Apr 3, 2014

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    Starbucks is cheap,,,

    , compared to what Victoria's Secret charges per cup! LOL! LOL! :)
    enchantedISLANDgirl enchantedISLANDgirl 36-40, F 4 Responses May 21, 2014

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    "Sometimes me think: 'What is friend?

    '" And then me say: "Friend is someone to share the last cookie with." -Cookie Monster
    MendyNL MendyNL 18-21, F Oct 19, 2014

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    MNI1982 MNI1982 31-35, F 3 Responses Dec 31, 2014

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    Life is like a roll of toilet paper,

    your either on a roll or taking **** from some *******.
    IAmARebel IAmARebel 13-15, F 1 Response Oct 19, 2014

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    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M 1 Response Oct 27, 2014

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    You have to stay in shape.

    My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneres.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Apr 7, 2014

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    All I ask is the chance to prove

    that money can't make me happy. Spike Milligan
    holloway64 holloway64 46-50, M 1 Response Dec 10, 2014

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    Anyone who says "nothing is impossible" has

    obviously never tried to staple jello to a tree.
    exitstageleft exitstageleft 41-45, M 3 Responses Jul 14, 2014

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    From "Dark Shadows" Angelique

    Bouchard: I'm going to make an offer to you, Barnabas. My last. You can join me by my side and we can run Collinsport together as partners, and lovers... or I'll put you back in the box. Barnabas Collins: I have already prepared my counter-proposal. It reads thusly: You may...
    mareliberum mareliberum 26-30 Jun 10, 2014

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    hadiijawaid hadiijawaid 22-25, M 3 Responses Jun 5, 2014

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    Axelerator3000 Axelerator3000 18-21, M Oct 19, 2014

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    I dig, you dig, We dig,

    he dig, they dig…. It is not a a beautiful poem but it’s very deep.
    lloyds123 lloyds123 46-50, M 2 Responses Aug 14, 2014

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    " There is only 2 things in the world

    that are infinite. Human stupidity and the amount of Zubats in dark cave. "
    michellesydney michellesydney 18-21, F 4 days ago

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    I have some in my photos.

    .. This is one
    dashuria dashuria 16-17, F Oct 19, 2014

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    LocketRainbow LocketRainbow 16-17, F 1 Response Apr 11, 2014

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    Which Lasted For A Few Seconds

    I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. —Woody Allen
    ladyryan ladyryan 41-45, F 2 Responses Jan 10, 2013

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    "The truth will set you free.

    ..but first it will **** you off" This is just so true😂😂
    stacy0508 stacy0508 18-21, F 1 Response Jul 6, 2014

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    Being cremated will be my last chance

    for a smokin hot body......... lol
    SweetEmotions SweetEmotions 36-40, F 4 Responses 5 days ago

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    enchantedISLANDgirl enchantedISLANDgirl 36-40, F 1 Response Apr 22, 2014

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    Friends are like bras!

    Close to the heart & always there for support! :)
    enchantedISLANDgirl enchantedISLANDgirl 36-40, F 2 Responses Apr 22, 2014

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    Hard work pays off in the future.

    Laziness pays off now. Steven Wright
    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M Nov 7, 2014

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    Give a man a fish he eats today,

    but teach a man to fish, he eats everyday. .....True, HOWEVER...... That he fished so much everyday, there'll be no more fish to fish for yourself that's why you NEVER EVER EVER teach a man how to fish...
    ringgo69 ringgo69 31-35, M 3 days ago

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    When life gives you lemon.

    Cut those suckers up and find some tequila.
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 1 Response Dec 25, 2014

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    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M Nov 7, 2014

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    MSeigler MSeigler 26-30, M Apr 20, 2014

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    TheStoryman TheStoryman 36-40, M 5 Responses Dec 4, 2013

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    attcia attcia 13-15, F 3 Responses Sep 28, 2014

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    Cause when a guy does something stupid once,

    well that's because he's a guy. But if he does the same stupid thing twice, that's usually to impress some girl - dr. Seuss
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 2 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 1 Response Dec 14, 2014

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    holloway64 holloway64 46-50, M Dec 10, 2014

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    My grandfather used to say

    that "Sex after sixty is like shooting pool with a rope." Lol...God rest his merry soul.
    Loverofpeace Loverofpeace 36-40, F 1 Response Nov 1, 2014

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    Compliment Vs Argument

    "You the bomb". "No you the bomb". Kind gesture in America, argument in the Middle East.
    SirLaughalots SirLaughalots 36-40, M 1 Response Aug 8, 2013

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    I hate it when people see me at the supermarket

    and they're like 'Hey, what are you doing here?' I tell them 'You know.. hunting elephants.' --- Anonymous
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Apr 6, 2014

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    Better to remain silent

    and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
    MendyNL MendyNL 18-21, F Nov 10, 2014

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