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I Love Funny Quotes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,341 People

    laugh and the world laughs with you,

    fart and they will stop. well your friends will probably laugh at you, including me. lol
    purplehaze78 purplehaze78 36-40, F 5 Responses Dec 10, 2015

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    "Where did you come from?

    "" asks Jessie, Luke's nanny "My parents say the stork but the seventh graders have an interesting theory" Luke replies "New rule... no talking to seventh graders" replies Jessie - Disney series "Jessie"
    loveismyfriend loveismyfriend 36-40, F Jan 30

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    Which Lasted For A Few Seconds

    I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. —Woody Allen
    ladyryan ladyryan 41-45, F 2 Responses Jan 10, 2013

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    I saw this on a sign in a store today: A

    nervous man is a man who has a mortgage payment, car payment, alimony payment, wife, and girlfriend that are all a month late.
    SirLaughalots SirLaughalots 36-40, M 3 Responses Apr 18, 2015

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    "Look, we've all got something to contribute

    to this discussion. And I think what you should contribute from now on is silence." Red Dwarf; Arnold J Rimmer
    Arlys Arlys 51-55, M 1 Response Jan 18

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    Call a girl beautiful 1,

    000 times and she'll never notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget it...
    LibriArte LibriArte 18-21, F Dec 5, 2015

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    I will slap you so hard that

    even goggle won't be able to find you.
    Tiffany94 Tiffany94 51-55, F 3 Responses Aug 2, 2015

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    attcia attcia 13-15, F 3 Responses Sep 28, 2014

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    You love flowers, but you cut them.

    You love animals, but you eat them. You tell me you love me, so now I'm scared.
    Holman27 Holman27 31-35, M 1 Response May 26, 2015

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    A good friend is like a bra :hard to find ,

    comfortable ,supporter ,it keeps you tight and always it's close to your heart . :))
    Mechty Mechty 22-25, F Aug 9, 2015

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    " I only talk to myself

    when I need an expert opinion ! " is on a sign over my Dad's workbench.
    LionInWait LionInWait 46-50, M 1 Response Feb 2, 2015

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    I'm a man of faith. I only fear God,

    and my wife - sometimes. Lech Walesa
    DomQuixote DomQuixote 61-65, M Nov 27, 2015

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    Tiffany94 Tiffany94 51-55, F 1 Response Aug 2, 2015

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    I think someone sprayed sleeping medicine on

    the textbook. -Kang Yeon Do in Sassy Go Go
    Taemi Taemi 22-25, F Jan 3

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    The husband who decides to surprise his wife is

    often very much surprised himself. Voltaire
    DomQuixote DomQuixote 61-65, M Nov 27, 2015

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    Things I haven't learned in high school: how

    to: pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank god I can graph a polynomial function
    Living2Heights Living2Heights 18-21, F Dec 16, 2015

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    It's not true that I had nothing on.

    I had the radio on.” Marilyn Monroe
    Tiffany94 Tiffany94 51-55, F 1 Response Jun 29, 2015

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    Life is like a roll of toilet paper,

    your either on a roll or taking **** from some *******.
    IAmARebel IAmARebel 13-15, F 2 Responses Oct 19, 2014

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    Anyone who says "nothing is impossible" has

    obviously never tried to staple jello to a tree.
    exitstageleft exitstageleft 41-45, M 3 Responses Jul 14, 2014

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    You are 6 and have a mobile phone.

    Who are you going to call "Dora"?
    BigNJ76 BigNJ76 36-40, M 1 Response Dec 30, 2015

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    Gabe: "I don't know how to change a baby's

    diaper" Jo: "It's just like unwrapping a burrito then wrapping it up again" Gabe: "I think I just had my last burrito" - Good Luck, Charlie Disney tv series
    loveismyfriend loveismyfriend 36-40, F Dec 7, 2015

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    Never make fun of a fat guy with a lisp.

    .. He's probably thick and tired of it.
    BigNJ76 BigNJ76 36-40, M Jan 4

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    Tiffany94 Tiffany94 51-55, F 2 Responses Sep 8, 2015

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    Starbucks is cheap,,,

    , compared to what Victoria's Secret charges per cup! LOL! LOL! :)
    enchantedISLANDgirl enchantedISLANDgirl 36-40, F 3 Responses May 21, 2014

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    BigNJ76 BigNJ76 36-40, M Dec 25, 2015

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    “Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee And

    I'll forgive Thy great big one on me.” ― Robert Frost
    miru1 miru1 26-30, F 2 Responses Dec 18, 2015

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    Three monkeys escaped from the zoo,

    one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading this quote! :p
    miru1 miru1 26-30, F 1 Response Sep 8, 2015

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    deleted deleted 26-30 2 Responses Apr 19, 2015

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    BigNJ76 BigNJ76 36-40, M 1 Response Dec 29, 2015

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    Roses are red,nuts are brown,

    skirts go up,pants go down,body to body, skin to skin, when its stiff, stick it in,the longer its in, the stronger it gets,it goes in dry, comes out wet, its comes out dripping and starts to sag Its not what you think its a...Teabag hahaha
    purplehaze78 purplehaze78 36-40, F 3 Responses Jan 22

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    When a man steals your wife,

    there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry
    DomQuixote DomQuixote 61-65, M Nov 27, 2015

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    When life gives you lemons,

    make lemonade.....then throw it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons,until they give you the oranges you originally asked for.
    weirdnerdgirl weirdnerdgirl 13-15, F 2 Responses Dec 27, 2015

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    There's plenty of sense in nonsense,

    if you wish to look for it.
    weirdnerdgirl weirdnerdgirl 13-15, F Dec 28, 2015

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    "When I grow up I want to be a principal

    or a caterpillar" -Ralph Wiggum
    deleted deleted 26-30 Jan 13

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    “They say: Think twice

    before you jump. I say: Jump first and then think as much as you want!” ― Osho
    miru1 miru1 26-30, F 1 Response Dec 18, 2015

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    Feelingood85 Feelingood85 31-35, M Jan 24

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    people say nothing is impossible

    but I do nothing every day ;-) Winnie-the-Pooh (my hero)
    deleted deleted 26-30 1 Response Jun 17, 2015

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    "The fridge is a true example of what truly

    matters lies on the inside."
    deleted deleted 26-30 Jan 24

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    Adam asked God, "why did you make women

    so pretty?" God said,"so you would love them." "Well why did you make them so dumb?" asked Adam. "So they would love you!" God replied.
    BrokenAngel7 BrokenAngel7 36-40, F 2 Responses Aug 29, 2015

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    Stupid warnings on products.

    Or are they? 6PCS Precision screwdriver set not to be inserted into PENIS"
    Serenitree1 Serenitree1 70+, F Jan 19

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    Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial

    killer.” Ellen DeGeneres
    Tiffany94 Tiffany94 51-55, F 2 Responses Jun 29, 2015

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    Kids in the back seat,

    Cause accidents Accidents in the back seat, Cause kids.
    vadesigner vadesigner 46-50, M 1 Response Jun 10, 2014

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    sirnatural sirnatural 36-40, M 1 Response Jan 22

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    "I am so sorry for my rude behavior yesterday.

    I had no idea you were a somebody." explains media reporter to local celebrity. "Here, it is perfectly permissible to be polite to nobodies" local celebrity responds wittingly. - TV show "Murder, She Wrote"
    loveismyfriend loveismyfriend 36-40, F 6 days ago

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    PeacefulWarrior143 PeacefulWarrior143 26-30, M Dec 31, 2015

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