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I Love Funny Quotes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 1,706 People

    I ran three miles today.

    Finally I said "lady, take your purse"
    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M Dec 15, 2014

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    TheStoryman TheStoryman 36-40, M 5 Responses Dec 4, 2013

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    jjoe01 jjoe01 41-45, M 5 Responses Feb 11

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    " I only talk to myself

    when I need an expert opinion ! " is on a sign over my Dad's workbench.
    LionInWait LionInWait 46-50, M 3 Responses Feb 2

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    Starbucks is cheap,,,

    , compared to what Victoria's Secret charges per cup! LOL! LOL! :)
    enchantedISLANDgirl enchantedISLANDgirl 36-40, F 4 Responses May 21, 2014

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    We live in a society

    where pizza gets to your house before the police.
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 1 Response Dec 14, 2014

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    Women are Angels😇

    and when someone breaks our wings we continue to fly...on a broomstick...we are flexible like that
    redlissa redlissa 36-40, F Jun 11, 2014

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    The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree',

    the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject!!
    orchidangel orchidangel 41-45, F 3 Responses Feb 26

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    As you slide down the banister of life,

    may the splinters never point in the wrong direction ~ An Irish saying~
    orchidangel orchidangel 41-45, F 4 Responses Feb 20

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    Try to pronounce this at the restaurant

    and see if it makes sense. LOL You need a browser to read this.
    jjoe01 jjoe01 41-45, M 1 Response Feb 13

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    I were out driving today,

    when I came across a sandwich board which read "Adults are just big kids with money" I thought how true ..It did make smile :)
    Mmmcherries Mmmcherries 46-50, F 3 Responses Nov 11, 2014

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    RedThatDescribesMe RedThatDescribesMe 18-21, F Feb 17

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    bellaswan18109 bellaswan18109 16-17, F 1 Response Mar 21

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    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M 1 Response Oct 27, 2014

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    You have to stay in shape.

    My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneres.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Apr 7, 2014

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    Friends are like bras!

    Close to the heart & always there for support! :)
    enchantedISLANDgirl enchantedISLANDgirl 36-40, F 2 Responses Apr 22, 2014

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    Jpfunjunky Jpfunjunky 31-35, M 1 Response Mar 17

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    You have not experienced true fear

    until a poster falls down in the middle of the night
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M Dec 15, 2014

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    "Sometimes me think: 'What is friend?

    '" And then me say: "Friend is someone to share the last cookie with." -Cookie Monster
    MendyNL MendyNL 18-21, F Oct 19, 2014

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    I hate it when people see me at the supermarket

    and they're like 'Hey, what are you doing here?' I tell them 'You know.. hunting elephants.' --- Anonymous
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Apr 6, 2014

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    "Fighting for peace is like screwing

    for virginity." -George Carlin 😋
    Loverofpeace Loverofpeace 41-45, F 8 Responses Jan 15

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    Why do we park in a driveway

    and drive on a parkway? I think it's because if we tried to drive in a driveway, we would hit the garage door; and, if we tried to park on a parkway, we'd get hit and/or a ticket.
    laylonolonger laylonolonger 41-45, M 1 Response Mar 11

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    "Women need a reason

    for having sex, men just need a place."
    Novemberman Novemberman 22-25, M 1 day ago

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    Euphoricbunnymaster Euphoricbunnymaster 18-21, F 2 Responses Mar 23

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    Just heard something funny,

    feminists won't like it haha "If women can do anything men can; how come they've never successfully oppressed and entire gender" I about died haha
    Euphoricbunnymaster Euphoricbunnymaster 18-21, F 1 Response Jan 28

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    I saw this on a sign in a store today: A

    nervous man is a man who has a mortgage payment, car payment, alimony payment, wife, and girlfriend that are all a month late.
    SirLaughalots SirLaughalots 36-40, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    MNI1982 MNI1982 31-35, F 3 Responses Dec 31, 2014

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    From "Dark Shadows" Angelique

    Bouchard: I'm going to make an offer to you, Barnabas. My last. You can join me by my side and we can run Collinsport together as partners, and lovers... or I'll put you back in the box. Barnabas Collins: I have already prepared my counter-proposal. It reads thusly: You may...
    mareliberum mareliberum 26-30 Jun 10, 2014

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    Euphoricbunnymaster Euphoricbunnymaster 18-21, F Mar 18

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    enchantedISLANDgirl enchantedISLANDgirl 36-40, F 1 Response Apr 22, 2014

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    Kids in the back seat,

    Cause accidents Accidents in the back seat, Cause kids.
    vadesigner vadesigner 46-50, M 1 Response Jun 10, 2014

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    "Some people play hard to get.

    I play hard to want."
    Novemberman Novemberman 22-25, M 1 day ago

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    GIRL, IF YOU WERE A VEGETABLE YOU'D BE A

    CUCUMBER, BECAUSE ITS CUTE AND I WANNA SHOVE IT UP MY ***. Hahahahaha.
    Euphoricbunnymaster Euphoricbunnymaster 18-21, F 2 Responses Jan 8

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    Life is like a roll of toilet paper,

    your either on a roll or taking **** from some *******.
    IAmARebel IAmARebel 13-15, F 2 Responses Oct 19, 2014

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    "God gave men brains larger

    than dogs' so they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties." (Hackers (1995))
    Novemberman Novemberman 22-25, M 1 day ago

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    He who fights and runs away,

    lives to fight another day (skeletor)
    ringgo69 ringgo69 31-35, M Jan 25

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    hadiijawaid hadiijawaid 22-25, M 3 Responses Jun 5, 2014

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    Cause when a guy does something stupid once,

    well that's because he's a guy. But if he does the same stupid thing twice, that's usually to impress some girl - dr. Seuss
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 2 Responses Dec 14, 2014

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    Anyone who says "nothing is impossible" has

    obviously never tried to staple jello to a tree.
    exitstageleft exitstageleft 41-45, M 3 Responses Jul 14, 2014

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    Give a man a fish he eats today,

    but teach a man to fish, he eats everyday. .....True, HOWEVER...... That he fished so much everyday, there'll be no more fish to fish for yourself that's why you NEVER EVER EVER teach a man how to fish...
    ringgo69 ringgo69 31-35, M Jan 25

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    Which Lasted For A Few Seconds

    I took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. —Woody Allen
    ladyryan ladyryan 41-45, F 2 Responses Jan 10, 2013

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    Sometimes I wake up grumpy.

    Other times I just let her sleep.
    menelaeus menelaeus 61-65, M 1 Response Apr 3, 2014

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    " There is only 2 things in the world

    that are infinite. Human stupidity and the amount of Zubats in dark cave. "
    michellerozsa michellerozsa 18-21, F Jan 23

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    I got so excited spring is coming,

    that I wet my plants!
    Jpfunjunky Jpfunjunky 31-35, M 4 Responses Mar 3

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    When life gives you lemon.

    Cut those suckers up and find some tequila.
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 1 Response Dec 25, 2014

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    attcia attcia 13-15, F 3 Responses Sep 28, 2014

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