I Love Joke Time

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 19 People

    The Blonde And The Nail

    The Nail A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Missouri farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy: 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    4 Responses Feb 19, 2013

    Old People Should Sext

    An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy. One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    3 Responses Oct 29, 2013

    The First Visit!!

    On his first visit to a girl's house, he waited in the living room while she prepared a snack in the kitchen... Left alone, he noticed a small attractive vase on the Mantelpiece. He picked it up and was looking at it when the girl walked back in.. "What's this?" he ask? "Oh, my...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Apr 9, 2013

    Daddys Tummy

    One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.“What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother too embarrassed to tell her little girl about sex so she...
    specks77 specks77
    36-40, F
    Sep 14, 2013

    Bull Pills

    John went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Charlie , who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing. John complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. The Banker suggested that...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    1 Response Dec 13, 2012

    Two Irish Nuns

    Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them.      "Hey, show us your ****, ye bloody penguins!” shouts one of the drunks.      The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    1 Response Nov 14, 2013

    Wise Italian Grandpa

    Why Italian fathers and grandfathers pass their guns down through the family....An old Italian man is dying, he calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so you will always remember me.""But grandpa, I...
    specks77 specks77
    36-40, F
    3 Responses Mar 2, 2013

    Riddle I

    Here is a riddle for the intellectually minded. this one through!! At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers; The other is getting a blow job from an 95 year old woman. They are each...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    4 Responses Jan 11, 2013

    The Chicken And The Horse

    On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to...
    Stephen1967 Stephen1967
    46-50, M
    2 Responses Sep 28, 2013

    Psychiatrists Vs. Bartenders

    EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM: 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody hiding under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.' 'Just put yourself in my hands...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    2 Responses Jan 2, 2013

    Gator Shoes

    A BLONDE JOKE THAT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE .. After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    3 Responses Jan 30, 2013

    Too Bad

    SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.WANDA: Hi! Sylvia.How'd you die?SYLVIA: I froze to death.WANDA: How horrible!SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.What about you?WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I...
    specks77 specks77
    36-40, F
    1 Response Sep 14, 2013

    How The Fight Started

    One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    3 Responses May 31, 2013

    Little Girl On A Plane

    LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. The little girl, who had just started to read her book...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    5 Responses Nov 18, 2012

    Blonde Guy Jokes..

    A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th." ------------------------------------ Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked: "What if one...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    3 Responses Jan 5, 2013
    Stephen1967 Stephen1967
    46-50, M
    1 Response Oct 7, 2013

    Two Hillbillies

    Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the...
    specks77 specks77
    36-40, F
    4 Responses Sep 17, 2013

    Fight Like A Man

    There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over...
    specks77 specks77
    36-40, F
    2 Responses Sep 14, 2013

    Testicle Therapy

    TESTICLE THERAPY Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    2 Responses May 31, 2013

    Okay Are You As Smart As You Think You Are

    Mensa Question: give it some thought before peeking at the answer. You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop-off. And on your left side is a tiger traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    1 Response Aug 5, 2013

    Things Kids Say

            Ah,   Alas, where has all our innocence gone?  While I sat in the reception area  of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    Nov 12, 2013

    He's A Little Slow...

    "How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc 25 years ago"... "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, I was a...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    May 14, 2013

    Robbery

    On Friday, A hooded robber burst into a bank and, at gunpoint, forced the tellers to load their cash into a plain brown bag. As the robber approached the door, one brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face. Without a moment's hesitation, the...
    Stephen1967 Stephen1967
    46-50, M
    3 Responses Sep 28, 2013

    Diagnostic Computer

    One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a...
    Stephen1967 Stephen1967
    46-50, M
    2 Responses Sep 28, 2013

    C.I.A. Try Outs

    The CIA The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    1 Response May 31, 2013

    Best Friend!..

    The bartender looks down to the end of the bar and sees a guy with his head down who hasn't touched his drink for over a half an hour. He heads over to talk to him. Bartender: "Hey pal, is something wrong?" The Guy: "Yeah,...I'm really depressed." Bartender: "Why, what's the...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    May 14, 2013

    Irish Priest Vs. Texas Cop

    An Irish priest was transferred to Texas . >> >> Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring >> day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of >> his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then >> noticed there...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    1 Response Mar 5, 2013

    Okay Heres One More Chance To Prove Just How Smart You Are..

    Genius Test . You only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass. 1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last? 2) Which country makes Panama hats? 3) From which animal do we get cat gut? 4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? 5) What is a camel...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    1 Response Aug 5, 2013

    The New Bull By Jerry Clower

    this is one of my favourite jerry clower jokes Three bulls are standing around overlooking a field full of cows when they overhear the farmer tell one of the cowhands to get the trailer ready to pick up a new bull. The old bull snorts and says, "I'm a tellin' ya what, there...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    2 Responses Jan 7, 2013

    Smartest Man In The World

    A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute and yelled...
    specks77 specks77
    36-40, F
    3 Responses Sep 16, 2013

    Gravely ill...a man went to the doctor with his

    wife. After the examination the physician motioned for the wife to meet him in the hallway. "Your husband is very sick," the doctor said, "but there are three things you can do to ensure his survival. First, fix him three healthful, delicious meals a day. Next, give him a...
    justalittlelaugh justalittlelaugh
    36-40, F
    Dec 6, 2013

    Embarrassment In The Library

    A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?” The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    3 Responses Jan 6, 2013

    Her Side

    WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    1 Response May 31, 2013

    Kids Will Be Kids...

    Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    1 Response May 31, 2013

    Healthy Living???? Just Throwing This Out There....

    Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    1 Response Aug 5, 2013

    Anthropomorphic Nouns

      We are all familiar with  a Herd of cows, A Flock of chickens, A School of fish And a Gaggle of geese.   A Pride of Lions,   However, less widely known is: A Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), An Exaltation of  doves   And...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    2 Responses Nov 14, 2013

    Nba Versus Nfl - U Gotta Love This Who Is The Bigger Bunch Of Thugs

    NBA versus NFL - u gotta love this............................ GUESS WHICH ONE....... Even if you aren’t a sports fan this is very interesting! ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? 36 have been accused of spousal abuse 7 have been arrested for fraud 19 have been accused of writing bad...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    2 Responses Jan 1, 2013

    I Want To Buy That!..

    A Blonde goes into a nearby store and ask a clerk if she can buy the T.V in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asked the same thing, and again, the...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    May 14, 2013

    Groundhog Day!!!!

    In the coming New Year, 2013, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day. This is an ironic juxtaposition of events. One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of supposed intelligence for...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    2 Responses Jan 6, 2013

    What A Bird

    A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?' The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.' 'Holy crap,' the guy...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    2 Responses Dec 8, 2012

    Messy Place..

    One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in there pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response May 12, 2013

    LOL!..

    My Doctor ask if any members of my Family suffered from INSANITY. I replied, NO we all seems to enjoy it... It's a good Work out! :))
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Jun 25, 2013

    Just A Few Things Confucius Did Not Say

      Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly. Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts. Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. Man who runs in...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    3 Responses Oct 29, 2013

    Little Matt's Favourite Animal

    Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    3 Responses Dec 8, 2012

    Simple Truths

    The below Simple Truths and 5 Rules of Life seemed to be fairly valid. Pay special attention to Rule #1 (on topic). SIMPLE TRUTH 1 Lovers help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own. Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    1 Response Dec 23, 2012

    A DEA Agent stopped at a ranch in Texas

    and talked to an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "okay, but don't go into that field over there...", as he pointed out the location. The DEA Agent verbally exploded and said, "look mister, I have the...
    Ganconer Ganconer
    41-45, M
    3 Responses Dec 24, 2013

    I Fish

    A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack...
    specks77 specks77
    36-40, F
    3 Responses Sep 16, 2013

    Related Experiences

    This has made me really very sad that this is closing down. It really does violate our constitutional rights in expressing ourselves. People should get lawyers to make this a...
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    56-60, F
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    OPEN HEAVENS FELLOWSHIP DAILY DEVOTION YOU CAN HAVE A PURE AND PASSIONATE RELATIONSHIP 1 Corinthians 15:34 Awake to righteousness, and sin not; for some have not the knowledge...
    ganyoji ganyoji
    22-25, F
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    I have admired a co-worker for years. She is Very pear shaped.. and is by far the largest woman I work with.. and honestly one of the largest women I have see in person . And have...
    BigJimMan BigJimMan
    41-45, M
    Apr 20
    On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked...
    Rusham Rusham
    66-70, M
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    I was sitting at a bar when a lady noticed my new smart watch. She asked me about it and I told her it could do all kinds of cool things. "For example, it can tell if someone is...
    Gentle153 Gentle153
    26-30, M
    1 Response Apr 20
    I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I...
    actionjake actionjake
    56-60, M
    3 Responses Apr 19
    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age...
    actionjake actionjake
    56-60, M
    Apr 19
    This will be a long post but I hope you bear with because this is something that’s been eating at me for a while. I fell in love with the most amazing girl I’ve ever met. The...
    Tobey94 Tobey94
    18-21, M
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    My Undying Love for Ed...It’s been 3 years since I last wrote a blog about my first love. Now, I’m going to write again.I don’t know how I will start my blog...
    red2006 red2006
    18-21, F
    1 Response Apr 19
    A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa...
    Rusham Rusham
    66-70, M
    4 Responses Apr 19
    I was divorced in Dec. of 2013. I separated from my husband in fall of 2012. We were BEST friends who just never had sex. We could do anything and accomplish anything outside of...
    lilsecret1 lilsecret1
    41-45, F
    Apr 19
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