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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 55,038 People

    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 51-55, F 31 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 67 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 68 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    I was sitting at the computer the other day &

    called out to my wife, "WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, LOVE!" She shouted back "YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY BASTARD !! "
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 50 Responses Mar 10, 2014

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 61 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    > Several men are in the locker room of a golf

    club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. > > MAN: "Hello" > > WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" > > MAN: "Yes." > > WOMAN: "I'm at the...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 36 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 18-21, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde

    Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey...
    kimchiaddict kimchiaddict 36-40, M 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    A man and his wife are at a restaurant,

    and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table. His wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since...
    TerraTigris TerraTigris 26-30, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 22-25, F 34 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie whose

    dog, Skipper, had recently died. "You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God." Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
    TerraTigris TerraTigris 26-30, M 1 Response 4 days ago

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 61 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    An Irishman, an Englishman

    and a Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down, and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs...
    TerraTigris TerraTigris 26-30, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    I went shopping today.

    When I came out of the mall, there was an officer writing a ticket for an expired meter. I went up to him and said, "Come on, mate, how about giving me a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I said, "Is this Nazi Germany or something?" He glared at me and...
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 3 Responses 17 hrs ago

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    jokes and riddles make people feel a lot of

    ways. like happy, silly, and more. I love to have a good laugh every once in a while.
    elrod2006 elrod2006 22-25, F 4 days ago

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    “Two Belgians are driving a truck

    and arrive at a bridge with a warning sign: maximum height 4 meters. They get off and measure their truck. It’s 6 meters high. “What shall we do?” asks the one. “I don’t see any police” says the other one “so let’s drive on””
    TerraTigris TerraTigris 26-30, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Hahahahahaahhaha Check this out.

    Its very interesting and Educative. If: A B C D E F G H I J K LM N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is equal to; 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K ; 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98% K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E ; 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96% L+O+V+E...
    Rosalindaag Rosalindaag 18-21, F 19 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    ai13regen ai13regen 31-35, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Two factory workers are talking.

    The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The...
    TerraTigris TerraTigris 26-30, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 33 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    Who are you talking to?

    Bruce from State Farm. What are you wearing, "Bruce from State Farm?" Uh, khakis? She sounds hideous. Well she's a guy, so... Lol. Making fun of Bruce Jenner. Hatters going to hate.
    SaiyanCat SaiyanCat 18-21, M 2 Responses 20 hrs ago

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    A drunk woman was sitting at a bar says to the

    barman, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn." The barman mixes her drink and puts in down in front of her. A few minutes later, she calls him over and says, "Barfender, I'd like a marhini for my heartburn." He rolls his eyes but mixes her drink anyway and sets it...
    IsabellaGronowessone IsabellaGronowessone 26-30, F 2 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    What did the tree do

    when the bank closed? It started its own branch.
    TerraTigris TerraTigris 26-30, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Two guys get pulled over

    while drinking and driving. The driver tells his friend, "Peel the labels off these beer bottles, and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now, shove all of the bottles under the front seat. Just let me do all the talking." The cop walks up and shines his flashlight into the...
    TerraTigris TerraTigris 26-30, M 3 Responses 4 days ago

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 47 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 52 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    TerraTigris TerraTigris 26-30, M 1 Response 4 days ago

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    A Man walks into a bar,

    and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, than stands on the bar, drops his pants and ****** all over the place. The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the **** out of you..." The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its...
    IsabellaGronowessone IsabellaGronowessone 26-30, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 101 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 21 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower,

    shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone' socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 Responses 4 days ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 56 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 17 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 22-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 36-40 38 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    I was sitting in the park today trying to

    figure out why a frisbee appears larger the closer that it gets, and that's when it hit me...
    ai13regen ai13regen 31-35, M 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy

    session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself...
    IsabellaGronowessone IsabellaGronowessone 26-30, F 8 Responses 2 days ago

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    An illiterate father

    and his educated son with a PhD in Astrology went on a camping trip. They set their tent and fell asleep. Some hours later, the father wakes his son and asks: "Look up in the sky and tell me... what do you see?" Son: "I see millions of stars." Father: "What does that tell you...
    ZazzyBee ZazzyBee 22-25, F 2 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 56 Responses May 5, 2011

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 52 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 148 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    After 35 years of marriage,

    a husband and wife came for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 6 Responses 1 day ago

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