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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 52,009 People

    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 18-21, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 51 Responses Mar 10, 2014

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    "Hi, honey. This is Daddy.

    Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you don't have an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now." Brief pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what...
    ccrider63 ccrider63 61-65, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Hahahahahaahhaha Check this out.

    Its very interesting and Educative. If: A B C D E F G H I J K LM N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is equal to; 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K ; 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98% K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E ; 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96% L+O+V+E...
    Rosalindaag Rosalindaag 18-21, F 20 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 70 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 47 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    Why is it nice being a baby?

    It’s a nappy time.
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 day ago

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    Blonde: Officer theres like a thousand dead

    people here! Cop: Okay, calm down. Where are you? Blonde: The cemetery! Cop: *facepalm*
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 13 hrs ago

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 35 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    The following is supposedly a true story.

    To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. February 1, 1993 James Macdonals and William Shoesmith, both 26, were sentenced to five years in prison for bank robbery. According to his lawyer, Macdonald hated his robbery...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 23 hrs ago

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    An elderly widow and widower were dating

    for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 23 hrs ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 16 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    A woman walked up to a little old man rocking

    in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 23 hrs ago

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    A father has three daughters

    that are all getting married on the same day. He asks his oldest daughter, ''Who do you wish to marry? She says, ''Father, I wish to marry the man with three dragons on his chest.'' He walks over to his second daughter and asks her the same question. She replies, ''Father, I...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 Response 21 hrs ago

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    Blonde: Officer theres like a thousand dead

    people here! Cop: Okay, calm down. Where are you? Blonde: The cemetery! Cop: *facepalm*
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 Response 15 hrs ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 157 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    The Clintons were in the front row at a Yankees

    game, surrounded by secret service people. Just before the game started, one of them leaned forward and whispered in Bill's ear. Bill grabbed Hillary by the scruff of the neck and pushed her over the railing, she fell 10 feet onto the dugout roof, screaming obscenities. The SS...
    Indiemind Indiemind 56-60, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    A man pulls up to the curb

    and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No," says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 16 hrs ago

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    The man was in no shape to drive,

    so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." the man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 15 hrs ago

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    Two Yankee boys were driving through the South

    and was stopped by a State Trooper. The trooper walked up to the open driver’s window, reached in, and slapped the driver on the side of his head. "What did you do that for?" the driver asked. "I don’t know how yall do it up north but here in Alabama, you have your drivers...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 2 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    COP: "When I saw you driving down the road,

    I guessed 55 at least." LADY: "You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old.”
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 15 hrs ago

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 60 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    Are You Really Sure? A blind guy on a bar

    stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 Response 23 hrs ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 54 Responses May 5, 2011

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 35 Responses May 10, 2011

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    what always bites off more

    than it can chew?
    Redmoon383 Redmoon383 16-17, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    The cop got out of his car

    and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 Response 10 hrs ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 18-21, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    The First Parent by Bill Cosby Whenever

    your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?", Adam replied. "Don't eat...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 23 hrs ago

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 36 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    A Russian guy comes across a bottle of vodka on

    the street. He picks it up and a genie comes out, "You are my master. You now have one wish." The Russian man says, "I would like to **** vodka." When the he gets home, he tells his wife to get two glasses. She asks what they'll be drinking. He tells her he can **** vodka and...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 20 hrs ago

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    WOMEN #7 LOGIC A couple came upon a

    wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too, but he leaned over too far, fell into the well, and drowned. The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!" WOMEN #8 THE SILENT TREATMENT...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 3 Responses 9 hrs ago

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 52 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 54 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    Teacher asks student: What is the half of 8?

    Student: Miss horizontally or vertically? Teacher: What do mean? Student: Horizontally it is 0 and vertically it is 3.
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    The phone rings at Federal Drug Enforcement

    Agency headquarters. "Hello?" "Hello, is this the Federal Drug Enforcement Agency?" "Yes. What can we do for you?" "I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding cocaine in his firewood." "Thank you, this will be noted." Next day, the Drug Enforcement agents come over...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 2 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 51-55, F 32 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    Son: Dad, it's so cold in here!

    Father: Go stand in the corner. Son: Why? Father: The corner is 90 degrees.
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 18-21, F 33 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    A young Monk is visiting an old Monastery

    and he's introduced to the Head monk, The Head Monk takes him on a tour and walks him into the area where they write out duplicate manuscripts. He watches and notices that there are about 7 people in a row that that are making the copies. The 1st is copying a section, then hands...
    johnny253 johnny253 66-70, M 1 Response 3 hrs ago

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 36-40 39 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 53 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 101 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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