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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 40,313 People

    At thirty thousand feet a plane lost all its

    engines and power. As it plummeted to the ground below the aircraft began to pick up speed shaking and shuddering in its decent. The look on the faces of all the passengers was distress and fear. A preacher man was praying to his god. an Australian stopped the beer cart in the...
    thefisch thefisch 22-25, M 1 Response 19 hrs ago

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    A religious man was caught in a flood

    and swept out to sea. A search and rescue boat was sent to retrieve him. When they reached him and tried to get him in the boat he refused and said god will save him. Next a helicopter lowered a rope to him and he refused saying that god would save him. Next a whale surfaced...
    thefisch thefisch 22-25, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 152 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    -I'm a ninja. --No you're not.

    -Did you see me do that? --Do what? -Exactly
    TaoTao90 TaoTao90 22-25, F 23 mins ago

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    If Kevin Bacon gets Ebola,

    how long until I get it?
    Uncleleo Uncleleo 56-60, M 1 Response 9 hrs ago

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 21 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 156 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    Bruce was walking through nthe Australian

    outback one day when he stumbled upon a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared in a magical mist from the lamp. The genie in formed Bruce that he had one wish. Bruce thought for a while then said " I want a bridge that goes from my front yard in Sydney to las Vegas." The...
    thefisch thefisch 22-25, M 14 hrs ago

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    What is the similarity between bungy jumping

    and getting a blow job off a granny? They both feel great, just don't look down.
    thefisch thefisch 22-25, M 3 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    I was with my girl last night

    and I couldn't find the blindfold, so I pepper sprayed her.
    Legionicula Legionicula 36-40, M 10 hrs ago

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    A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook

    for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an *******!"
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 1 Response 17 hrs ago

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    No that is good. Rescues on the way

    but were too busy looking for the rescue to see the rescue wow cool thank you for sharing I like those jokes too :-)
    sunney55 sunney55 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Three vampires walked into a pub.

    The first orders a schooner of blood, the second orders a jug of blood, the third one orders a boiling hot cup of water. The barman asks if he is feeling alright. The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says don't worry mate I'm having tea.
    thefisch thefisch 22-25, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 19 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 35 Responses May 10, 2011

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    A man walked into a pub one day

    and saw a large jar full of money on the counter. He then asked the barmen what it was for and he replied." if anyone could make the donkey out the back of the pub laugh it was all there's." The man said "yep I'm your man I'll give it a go." He proceeded outside and within...
    thefisch thefisch 22-25, M 1 Response 18 hrs ago

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    Three females were at their local pub one night

    when the first one said. " I'm so loose that my husband can stick his whole hand up me." The second says." That's nothing, my husband can stick his whole arm up me." The third just laughs and slides down the stool.
    thefisch thefisch 22-25, M 14 hrs ago

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    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 4 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 13 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    Can you name three consecutive days without

    using Monday Tuesday Wednesday Friday Saturday Sunday?
    holloway64 holloway64 46-50, M 10 Responses 22 hrs ago

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    riddle: What occurs

    once in a minute, twice in a moment and never in one thousand years?
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 9 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    Baptism.... Before performing a baptism,

    the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?" "I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests." "I don't mean...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 66 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Confessional I went into the confessional box

    after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates Then...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 1 Response 5 hrs ago

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 59 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 63 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 31 Responses Aug 24

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    Oxymoron: "Fundamentally speaking,

    there is no basis for anything."
    aag311 aag311 41-45, M 1 Response 19 hrs ago

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 32 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    A homeless man was walking aimlessly around the

    city looking for food scraps when he caught the sorting smell of a barbeque nearby. He wondered toward the smell and came to an opening where a crowd had gathered by the river having a barbeque and were being baptised. He asked someone how he could get some of the food on offer...
    thefisch thefisch 22-25, M 3 Responses 23 hrs ago

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 35 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 116 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 100 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    Riddle The Smith family is a very wealthy

    family that lives in a big, circular home. One morning, Mr. Smith woke up and saw a strawberry jam stain on his new carpet. He figured out that everyone who was there that morning had a jam sandwich. By reading the following excuses, figure out who spilled the jam. Billy Smith...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 13 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 40 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    Three men sitting at the bar of their local pub

    were all feeling a bit low when one decided to say. "I think my wife is cheating on me with a plumber" The other two said" that's a shame mate, how do you know?" "Well I came home last night and found some PVC pipes under the bed" " sorry to hear that. I'll buy you a drink to...
    thefisch thefisch 22-25, M 1 Response 22 hrs ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 82 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    A man walks into a pub looking very distressed.

    He walks up to the bar orders a beer and mutters to himself." There's gonna be trouble, there's gonna be trouble." The barmen pours him a beer he drinks it down and orders another still muttering to himself." There's gonna be trouble, there's gonna be trouble." He drinks...
    thefisch thefisch 22-25, M 1 Response 14 hrs ago

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 55 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 48 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 51 Responses Mar 10

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    A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work

    and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". "Yes, sir!" answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 3 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    If we went camping and you woke up in the

    morning with a condom hanging out your *** and pocket full of coins. Would you tell anyone or keep it to your self?
    thefisch thefisch 22-25, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    thefisch thefisch 22-25, M 1 day ago

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    Bob had just finished his last day of work at

    the local waste facility and was now officially retired. His best mate Tim talked him into going out for a celebratory drink. While sitting at the bar Tim asks job" mate, you worked at that place for thirty years! How did you do it?" Bob replied." Well Tim the way I see it is...
    thefisch thefisch 22-25, M 1 day ago

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 69 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 30 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 53 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    riddle there were 8 cats in a boat.

    One cat jumped out of the boat, after the one cat jumped out of the boat, there 0 cats in the boat. How could that be?
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 10 Responses 7 hrs ago

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