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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 44,666 People

    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 33 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 33 Responses Aug 24

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 22 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    HolmesGirl HolmesGirl 51-55, F 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 69 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 115 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 64 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    A woman takes a lover home during the day

    while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    It was the first day of school,

    and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy, "My name is Bob Fuckhauer." Upset, the teacher said very loudly, "THERE'LL BE NONE OF THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR IN MY...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 days ago

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 35 Responses May 10, 2011

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    which is the odd one out intelligent

    man intelligent woman or santa :)
    CrySweetRaven CrySweetRaven 13-15, F 9 Responses 5 days ago

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    When I was at the supermarket,

    ready to check out and pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "***** down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to my government official about this unnecessary security rubbish, I did just as she instructed. After the shrieking and hysteria finally subsided, I found...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 158 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady

    to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”
    HolmesGirl HolmesGirl 51-55, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Santa’s a pro, which is

    why kids bypass parents and appeal to him: • “Dear Santa, Please text my dad. He has my whole list.” From The Reader's Digest.
    restored87 restored87 46-50, F 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 58 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 37 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the

    shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don?t ever do that again. You...
    alexgabriel alexgabriel 22-25, M 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    usscalifornia41 usscalifornia41 22-25, M 1 Response 4 days ago

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    A man coughed violently,

    and his false teeth shot across the room and smashed against the wall. "Oh, dear," he said, "whatever shall I do? I can't afford a new set." "Don't worry," said his friend. "I'll get a pair from my brother for you." The next day the friend came back with the teeth, which fitted...
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 7 Responses 1 day ago

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    Hahahahahaa A man saw a Roman sister

    and decided to give her a lift in his car. As the car was moving, the man placed his hand on the laps of the sister pretending he was looking for the gear lever. The sister cast a glance at him and shouted; "Matthew chapter 7, verse 7". The man quickly removed his hand. After a...
    Rosalindaag Rosalindaag 18-21, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Four old-timers were playing their weekly game

    of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 days ago

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    AgingGracefully AgingGracefully 51-55, M 8 Responses 2 days ago

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    karmameter karmameter 36-40, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    A box without hinges key

    or lid, yet golden treasure inside is hid.
    ilikemovies172 ilikemovies172 22-25, M 3 Responses 20 hrs ago

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    An old story from the pages of the Manchester

    Evening Times: Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb and stopped...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    Four people are in an airplane,

    the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager. The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane. The richest...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 6 Responses 3 days ago

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 53 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 52 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking

    Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 5 Responses 4 days ago

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    Husband: I found Aladin's lamp today.

    Wife: wow, what did u ask for darling?? Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times.. Wife: oh..jaan..luv u so much.. Did he do that?? Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero. ??????????????????
    Angel763 Angel763 22-25, F 4 Responses 3 days ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 49 Responses Mar 10

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    An old man on the beach walked up to a

    beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed. "Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied. "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars" he says. Again, she told him,"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me! I want...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer)

    could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Over 5,000 years ago Moses said to the children

    of Israel "pick up your shovel mount your ***** and camels, I will lead you to the promise land." Nearly 75 years ago when welfare was introduced Roosevelt said "lay down your shovels, sit on your *****, and light up a camel, this is the promise land" Today, congress has...
    Kamberxo Kamberxo 18-21, F 6 Responses 2 days ago

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 66 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    Does chocolate orange count

    as 1 of my 5 a day?
    Dazzer2K Dazzer2K 26-30, M 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 53 Responses May 5, 2011

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 14 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    Fifty priests die in an bus accident.

    They all get up to the Pearly Gates and find St. Peter waiting for them. St. Peter is looking at a clipboard with an irritated expression on his face. He gets up, and in a loud voice announces, "To save time I'm only going to ask you all one question: Which of you has ever...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 days ago

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 151 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    Two little boys stole a big bag of orange from

    their neighbour & decided to go to a calm place to share the loot equally, one of them suggested the near by cemetery. As they were jumping the big gate to enter the cemetery, 2 oranges fell out of the bag behind the gate but they didn’t bother to pick them since they had...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 5 Responses 3 days ago

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    A sexy woman walks up to the counter

    and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager. The Bartender replies, “Sorry, the manager is out. Can I help you?” By this time the woman has run her fingers over his face and in his mouth where the horny...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 7 Responses 3 days ago

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    MISSING WIFE A husband went to the sheriff's

    department to report that his wife was missing: Husband: I've lost my wife. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home. Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I really never noticed. Maybe about five feet tall. Sergeant: Build? Husband: Not slim, not really fat...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 11 Responses 5 days ago

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 40 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    theMindofAwesome theMindofAwesome 13-15, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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