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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 54,712 People

    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 47 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    An old woman walked into a dentist's office,

    took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.'' ''You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."
    TerraTigris TerraTigris 26-30, M 5 Responses 3 days ago

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    When I came home from sailing today,

    the wife left a note on the fridge: It's not working, gone to stay with my Mother. I can't take it anymore. I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. What the hell is she talking about?
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    Ever wonder why baby diapers have brand names

    such as "Luvs", "Huggies," and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called "Depends”. Well here is the low down on the whole thing: When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug'em and Pamper ‘em. When old people do it, it "Depends" on...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 4 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live

    with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science. One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man...
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Tired of constant blonde jokes,

    a blonde dyes her hair brown. She goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road. "Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?" she asks. The shepherd agrees. She blurts out, "352!" The shepherd is stunned but...
    TerraTigris TerraTigris 26-30, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 22-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    Best Aussie Joke Of The Year.

    Sheila,the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Michael. "Michael,Michael " she yelled...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 45 Responses Mar 27, 2013

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 50 Responses Mar 10, 2014

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    A mechanic noticed his co-worker drinking brake

    fluid at lunch. "What are you doing, man? You can't drink that stuff!" "Relax," replied his co-worker, "this stuff tastes pretty good, and I don't drink it all the time." "Seriously," the mechanic exclaimed, "that brake fluid is poison!" "Hey, man" yelled the co-worker...
    TerraTigris TerraTigris 26-30, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    How to make a woman mad in two easy steps:1.

    Click her picture on your mobile camera....................................2. DO NOT show it to her ;)
    Aryg Aryg 36-40, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Did you know that ************

    when you're in the hospital and hooked up to a heart monitor can cause quite a panic?
    thumper15 thumper15 18-21, F 4 Responses 22 hrs ago

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    I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming

    pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?

    - - - - - - - - - - The Holocaust
    Stunallypp Stunallypp 16-17, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    jbm1984 jbm1984 31-35, F 2 Responses 17 hrs ago

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    MarisaMarisa MarisaMarisa 16-17, M 9 Responses 1 day ago

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    Senior Sex The husband leans over

    and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 6 Responses 3 days ago

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 148 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 61 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    SarahLlVivian SarahLlVivian 18-21, F 5 Responses 4 days ago

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    A cowboy and his wife had just got married

    and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room. He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed. The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?' The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and...
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 22-25, F 34 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 114 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Subject: Police Dilemma The Pope is visiting

    New York. A limo driver meets him at the airport. After getting all the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver. "Would you please take your...
    actionjake actionjake 56-60, M 5 Responses 3 days ago

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    Four married guys go golfing.

    During the 4th hole the following conversation took place: First Guy: 'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.' Second Guy: 'That's nothing; I had to...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    The Farmer's Wife ----------------- Jack

    decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the very attractive woman who answered the door if they could spend the night...
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    Once there was a little boy

    who lived in the country. The family still used an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer, freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push...
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    Holmes and Watson are on a camping trip.

    In the middle of the night Holmes wakes up and gives Dr. Watson a nudge. “Watson,” he says, “look up in the sky and tell me what you see.” “I see millions of stars, Holmes,” says Watson. “And what do you conclude from that, Watson...
    Andrewsarchus Andrewsarchus 18-21, M 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 33 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 17 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    Hahahahahaahhaha Check this out.

    Its very interesting and Educative. If: A B C D E F G H I J K LM N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is equal to; 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K ; 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98% K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E ; 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96% L+O+V+E...
    Rosalindaag Rosalindaag 18-21, F 19 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 35 Responses May 10, 2011

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 101 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 4 hrs ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 51-55, F 31 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    I was in the "Texas Rose" tavern last night at

    the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer (woman) came up behind me and slapped me on the butt. She said, "Hey Sexy, I dig old guys, how about giving me your number?" I looked at her and said, "Do you have a pen?" "I sure do," she answered. "Well...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 3 days ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 18-21, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Stunallypp Stunallypp 16-17, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 67 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    Bumblelion Bumblelion 31-35, M 4 Responses 17 hrs ago

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    How do you make a hot dog stand?

    Take away its chair. What happens to race car drives when they eat too much? They get Indy-gestion.
    SpongebobIsOver SpongebobIsOver 16-17, F 6 Responses 3 hrs ago

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    Police: Knock Knock Me: Who is it?

    Police: It's the Police Me: What do you want? Police: We just wanna talk Me: how many of them are ya Police: Two Me: Then talk to each other
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 68 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 56 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 61 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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