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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 38,349 People

    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 70 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    The wife came home early from work,

    and found her husband was already home. Wife says, "Honey, take off my blouse." Husband takes off her blouse. Wife: " Honey, take off my skirt." Husband takes off her skirt. Wife: " Honey. Take off my bra." Husband takes off her bra. Wife: "Honey, take off my pantries." Husband...
    jopava jopava 51-55, M 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    You were looking good from afar.

    . now you're far from looking good.
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 5 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    A chicken walks into a library,

    goes up to a librarian and says, "Book book book." The librarian decides that the chicken wants a book so he gives the chicken a book and the chicken walks away. About ten minutes later the chicken comes back with the book, looking a bit agitated, saying, "Book book book." The...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    "Will you remember in a day?

    " Yes "Will you remember in a week?" Yes "Will you remember in a month?" Yes "Knock knock" Who's there? "YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET!"
    ButtersTheMerciful ButtersTheMerciful 13-15, F 2 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    What is 10 inches long

    and rhymes with "dry dock"?
    biggunsatx biggunsatx 36-40, M 3 Responses 15 hrs ago

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 64 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 49 Responses Mar 10

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    Can you answer this question?

    It’s the world’s hardest riddle and 80 percent of Kindergartners solved it compared to 5 percent of Stanford graduates. The word has 7 letters, preceded by God, greater than God, more evil than the devil, and if you eat it, you will die.
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 5 Responses 3 hrs ago

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 47 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 22 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    The five most important qualities in a woman:

    one who is independent and helps around the house, one who can make you laugh, one who you can trust, one who is good in bed, and most importantly, one who should make sure these four women never meet.
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 52 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane.

    The man turned to him and said, “Let’s talk”. Kid: Ok, what do we talk about ? Man (making fun of d kid): How about nuclear power? Kid: Very interesting topic. But let me ask you a question… Horse, cow & deer, all eat grass. Yet deer excretes pellets, cow flat potty...
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 4 Responses 9 hrs ago

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 34 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    Tim: "My grandfather,

    he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew at what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too." Jim: "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?" :-O . . . . . . . . Tim: "The...
    karmameter karmameter 36-40, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 156 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    "At work they were giving awards

    and I was given a medal for being 'The Most Humble'. I wore it to work the next day and they took it off me."
    TheFemaleSimpleton TheFemaleSimpleton 13-15, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 56 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 114 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?

    " Brunette: "I don’t know." Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 2 days ago

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 97 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 32 Responses May 10, 2011

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    Heres 1. 2 men decided to jump in a lake on a

    hot, sunny day. After they came out of the lake, only 1 of the 2 men had their hair wet, why?
    iTzzMike iTzzMike 13-15, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 32 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 18 Responses 1 day ago

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    An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor

    after a long illness. After a lengthy examination, the doctor sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month to live." O'Malley was shocked and saddened by the news, but he...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 6 Responses 2 hrs ago

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    Drugs For Husbands! New drugs

    for men created by women scientists are waiting for FDA approval... ANIVERSIA: Triggers memories for birthdays and anniversaries... SLIMOXIL: Widens male cornea making wives appear slim... SPORTOBLIND X: Reacts with optic nerve to prevent men from recognizing the word "Sports...
    Aryg Aryg 36-40, F 3 Responses 3 hrs ago

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    Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to

    Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours...
    Guvna2106 Guvna2106 31-35, M 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    Four priests board a train

    for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one priest says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins." They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 38 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 52 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 77 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    A little girl was playing in the garden

    when she spied two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a daddy long legs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a mommy long legs?" the...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 2 Responses 2 hrs ago

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    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 39 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    Two antennas met on a roof,

    fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!
    Guvna2106 Guvna2106 31-35, M 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 53 Responses May 5, 2011

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    The classic: "A man walked into a bar.

    ..and had a concussion."
    TheFemaleSimpleton TheFemaleSimpleton 13-15, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 47 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    Teacher : Who is the President of Iraq ?

    Little Johnny : I don’t know Miss Teacher : You need to focus more on your studies. Johnny : Please Miss, can I ask a question ? Teacher : Yes. Johnny : Do U know Angela ? Teacher : No, why ? Johnny : You need to focus more on your husband! :-D
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 3 Responses 9 hrs ago

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    A football coach walked into the locker room

    before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    A Hebrew teacher stood in front of his class

    and said, "The Jewish people have observed their 5,774th year as a people. Consider that the Chinese, for example, have only observed their 4,711th year as a people. Now what does it mean to you? After a moment of silence, a student raised his hand. "Yes, David...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 2 Responses 2 hrs ago

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 64 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 17 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    Just before thanksgiving Jim

    and Eddie are out hunting for turkeys when Jim collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. Eddie gets out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps, 'My friend Jim is dead! What can I do?' The operator says, 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure...
    MysticTraveler MysticTraveler 51-55, M 1 Response 21 hrs ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 29 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    Peter called his doctor’s office

    for an appointment. "I’m sorry," said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks." "But I could be dead by then!" "No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment."
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 2 Responses 9 hrs ago

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    After a plane crash, 3 young girls

    and their fathers arrived before St Peter for judgment. The first father and daughter stepped forward ... "Sorry but you cannot enter heaven " said St Peter "you worshipped money - you even named your daughter Penny " and they were turned away. The second pair came forward...
    shaggynz shaggynz 41-45, M 1 Response 16 hrs ago

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    Let's make a joke! Respond to this experience

    with characters, a lead on where it should go, a punch line, or even a whole joke. The result will hopefully be a brand new joke that will take the nation by storm... So don't rip something off the internet ;) this could be really fun with enough people.
    Midnightchorus Midnightchorus 18-21, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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