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I Love Jokes And Riddles

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 33 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30 58 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 18-21, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 51 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    A scrapmetal merchant had just departed life

    and arrived in front of St Peter, wanting to get into Heaven. St Peter had been watching this wide boys' double dealing antics over the past few years. St Peter folded his arms and confronted the scrapmetal merchant, "Why should I allow you to enter Heaven?" The man replied, "I...
    Roddy15 Roddy15 61-65, M 1 day ago

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 34 Responses May 10, 2011

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    A guy gets home late one night

    and his wife says: "Where have you been?" "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my ****." "What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your ****?" "Well, number one, I like to...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 6 hrs ago

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    A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his

    5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed...
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 57 Responses May 5, 2011

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    You know, some women would be over the moon to

    be woken up on their birthday with flowers, breakfast in bed and 20 minutes of amazing oral s.e.x. But oh no, not MY mum!
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    Teacher asked what comes

    after a sentence. Told her an appeal.
    Unine Unine 36-40, F 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 153 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    Menstruation Testimony!

    ! During church service, this 16-year old pastor's daughter stood up and says: "Praise the Lord!" Everybody shouted with joy,"Hallelujah". She continued: "Since the age of 13, I've been experiencing painful monthly periods. But now, after a series of Bible studies and prayers...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 56 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 57 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    A man died and went to The Judgment,

    they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a...
    Paschar Paschar 61-65, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 51 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    The only reason I would take up walking is

    so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Q. Why don't blind people sky dive?

    A. It scares the crap out of their dogs. 
    firmhand1964 firmhand1964 46-50, M 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    MsInvis MsInvis 46-50, F 1 Response 22 hrs ago

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    Why can't Cam Newton get into his driveway?

    Someone painted an endzone on it.
    Sicarium Sicarium 36-40, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    There were two women traveling to Las Vegas,

    the plane had mean turbulence and bad weather. The captain announced to everyone to get into the crash position, head between the knees. A white woman was sitting next to a black woman, so the white woman took out all her jewelry and started putting it all on, so the black...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 3 Responses 5 days ago

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 38 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 36-40 39 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    If two witches were watching two watches,

    which witch would watch which watch?
    AnAwkwardTroll AnAwkwardTroll 16-17 1 Response 21 hrs ago

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 65 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    -This bread is my flesh,

    this wine is my blood, this lemon juice is - -Okay, we get it, Master!
    ScissorhandsFingeredMe ScissorhandsFingeredMe 16-17, F 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 101 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    Want to make jokes? In Southern California?

    Want to make videos or play games/sports/physical activities? Got 2 free groups on FB (can be on other sites w/ groups) forming. Share this post? (Reference my profile link here to answer questions & give links). Both need hosts & invite members. FILM CLUB: no budget, indie...
    supergirl805 supergirl805 22-25, F 15 hrs ago

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    On hearing that her elderly grandfather had

    just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie...
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 15 hrs ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 19 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    A newlywed couple just moved into their new

    house. One day, the wife asked her husband, “Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?” The husband looked at his wife and said, “What do I look like — Mr. Plumber?” A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. “Honey, the car won’t...
    Blanche08 Blanche08 31-35, F 17 Responses Jan 19, 2015

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    A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in

    hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleep, do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all nine...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 Responses 4 days ago

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    Q.  What's ten inches long

    and slippery?A.  A slipper. 
    firmhand1964 firmhand1964 46-50, M 4 days ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 56-60, F 28 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 46 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 147 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    QueenOfAllSorrows QueenOfAllSorrows 31-35, F 7 Responses 1 day ago

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 58 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    Hahahahahaahhaha Check this out.

    Its very interesting and Educative. If: A B C D E F G H I J K LM N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is equal to; 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K ; 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98% K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E ; 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96% L+O+V+E...
    Rosalindaag Rosalindaag 22-25, F 18 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    An old geezer became very bored in retirement

    and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that read: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000." Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would...
    Martys4ever Martys4ever 41-45, F 3 Responses 6 hrs ago

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    My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

    So I packed her things and left.
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 7 Responses 4 days ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 45 Responses Mar 10, 2014

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