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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 39,049 People

    The Perfect Son A: I have the perfect son.

    B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn’t. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn’t. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn’t. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 116 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 39 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    LIFE BEFORE THE

    COMPUTER -------------------------- An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 29 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    If work is so healthy society should give to

    the sick people. John Denver
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    Lady (to man): You look like a million dollars.

    Man: Hey, you've never seen a million dollars. Lady: That's right. You look like something I've never seen before.
    jopava jopava 51-55, M 1 day ago

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    What's the similarity between skydiving

    and getting a blow job off your granny? Don't look down! David Letterman
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    wintersecret wintersecret 31-35, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Christmas is a lot like anal sex.

    It's better to give than to receive. Ronald Reagan
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 64 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 112 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 96 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 58 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 29 Responses Aug 24

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 33 Responses May 10, 2011

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 22 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 157 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    The Israelis and Arabs realized that,

    if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fight. The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 6 Responses 2 days ago

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    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 17 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    wintersecret wintersecret 31-35, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    Junkard Junkard 22-25, M 1 day ago

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 69 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 53 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 51 Responses Mar 10

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 150 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    Eve's Chat With God "What is it,

    Eve?" "I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, especially that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy." "And why is that Eve?" "Lord, I'm lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case I have a...
    MFBG MFBG 61-65, M 9 Responses 1 day ago

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    Thediary Thediary 26-30 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    FUNNY ANSWERS TO NORMAL QUESTIONS.

    ......GIRLFRIEND: And are you sure you love me and no one else? BOYFRIEND: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday. WAITER: Would you like your coffee black? CUSTOMER: What other colours do you have? MANAGER: Sorry, but I can't give you a job. I don't need much help...
    enriqueclasico enriqueclasico 26-30, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    A farmer is walking along side of his house

    with a chicken under his arm and says this is the pig I have been f-ing his wife puts her head out the window and says that's not a pig its a chicken the farmer says I'm talking to the chicken
    rustr8 rustr8 51-55, M 1 Response 14 hrs ago

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    A Brit, a Frenchman and a North Korean are

    viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm", muses the Brit. "They must have been British." "Nonsense", the Frenchman disagrees. "They are naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French!" "No, No", exclaimed the N...
    thr080766 thr080766 46-50, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 34 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 53 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    Kids say!!!!!!! :)) Little girl: Sir,

    why do you wear your collar backwards? Priest: I am a father! Little girl: My Father doesn't wear his collar like that! Priest: I'm a Father of many.. Little girl: My Father has 4 boys & 4 girls but yet he doesn't wear his collar backwards, then why do you?? Priest( getting...
    Aryg Aryg 36-40, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    A "Just married" couple lodge themselves in a

    hotel for their honeymoon in the evening, the man went downstairs to the bar to have a drink because he wasn't feeling sleepy, the woman left alone in the room decided to sleep but wasn't allowed to sleep by a rocket train which has it rails just behind the hotel building. When...
    enriqueclasico enriqueclasico 26-30, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 34 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 38 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    During the wedding rehearsal,

    the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d...
    DanCan1 DanCan1 56-60, M 2 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    Two men were sitting in a bar

    and the following conversation took place: MAN 1: I cant takes this any more! MAN 2: What is the matter? MAN 1: My wife cheated on me! MAN 2: That is horrible! So what did you do? MAN 1: I did what all men will do. MAN 2: I trust you, that man must have gotten the beating of his...
    enriqueclasico enriqueclasico 26-30, M 1 Response 21 hrs ago

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 67 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    What do you call someone

    who speaks 3 languages? -trilingual What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages? -bilingual What do you call someone who speaks 1 language? -French Edgar Allan Poe
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 2 Responses 53 mins ago

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    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in

    her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's licence. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like ? " she finally asked. The...
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 47 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    How do the French kill themselves?

    They shoot 15 centimeters above their heads, right in their superiority complex Al Gore
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 hr ago

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 47 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    IT HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    !! A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.” The doctor asks, “What do you mean?” The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.” The doctor...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his

    backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth, with Tom even keeping a log of the "conversation." Just as Tom thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species...
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 78 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    Sometimes when I'm bored I like to find couples

    in supermarkets, and when they're not looking drop a bottle of anal lube in their trolley. The resulting arguments are priceless. Hillary Clinton
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 3 Responses 2 hrs ago

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    karmameter karmameter 36-40, M 1 Response 20 hrs ago

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    What has one hundred balls

    and screws old ladies? Bingo
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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