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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 49,198 People

    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 34 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    One day a housework-challenged husband decided

    to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," She replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 4 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    TheNameIAlwaysWanted TheNameIAlwaysWanted 16-17, T 1 Response 6 hrs ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 51-55, F 33 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 51 Responses Mar 10, 2014

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 37 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    tylerlh tylerlh 18-21, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    A young woman all excited called up her local

    police department and said, "I have a sex maniac in my apartment!" The officer at the other end said, "We'll be right over lady." The woman said, "Can you wait till morning?"
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 Response 4 hrs ago

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    church humor A Sunday School teacher was

    telling her kindergarten class about the Golden Rule Remember she sid we are here to help other people A little girl asked Then what are the others here for ?
    Bobbeenbad Bobbeenbad 61-65, M 2 days ago

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    omarrochet omarrochet 18-21, M 3 Responses 12 hrs ago

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    My friend was talking about learning a computer

    language a while ago with this guy we got talking to at a social gathering. The guy enquired which language is the course in and my friend innocently answered 'Oh its in English' True Story....
    Sweetaspie23 Sweetaspie23 36-40, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road

    and hits his flashing lights. He walks up to the driver's window and sees a good looking woman behind the wheel. There is a strong smell liquor on her breath. He says, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of ALCOHOL." She...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 3 Responses 4 hrs ago

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 62 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 36 Responses May 10, 2011

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 157 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    A policeman pulled a blonde over

    after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: "Do you know where your going?" Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people are leaving.
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 3 Responses 4 hrs ago

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    What we should learn from

    Dogs: LOVE TRUST LOYALTY COMPASSION and What people have learnt: POSITION...
    AlphaLion AlphaLion 22-25, M 2 Responses 27 mins ago

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    Why did I get divorced?

    Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday!" and I felt so special. She went out to...
    Injoy1767 Injoy1767 46-50, F 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    So once my friend kept making jokes about my

    height, since I'm 4'10. He made some stupid puns and jokes that made me end up throwing his phone across the room. He looked me at with some surprised face then slowly whispered in my ears, "Jesus, Destrey.. Are you short-tempered?" Him and his puns. .-.
    HellNotHallelujah HellNotHallelujah 18-21, F 6 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 36-40 40 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 60 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 55 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    An Englishman's home is his castle.

    ..until his wife gets home.
    alanbt alanbt 61-65, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 16 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    Everybody on earth dies

    and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to form two queues -- one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." The next time God looked...
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 11 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    IT SOMETIMES SEEMS LIKE MAN COULD WELL HAVE

    EVOLVED FROM THE ANIMAL WORLD SOME ARE STUBBORN HAS MULE BUSY HAS A BEE IN SPREADING RUMORS SLY HAS A FOX IN BUSINESS DEALS QUITE HAS A MOUSE IN TEACHING THE GOSPEL MEAN HAS A SNAKE WHEN THEY DONT GET THERE WAY LAZY HAS A DOG WHEN WORK IS NEEDED AND EAGER HAS BEAVER TO LET...
    Bobbeenbad Bobbeenbad 61-65, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    New Zealand and Australia always have friendly

    rivalry. Last weekend the New Zealand cricket team beat the Australian team much to the delight of all Kiwis. Enjoy this Australian attempt at getting even. Kiwi and an Aussie go to a pastry shop. The Kiwi whisks three biscuits into his pocket with such speed the baker doesn...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 148 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to

    send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oh, my," said the father, "What have I...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 Responses 6 hrs ago

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    YOU HEAR ABOUT DUMB ANIMALS BUT DID YOU EVER

    HEAR OF ONE THAT PLANTED GRASS SEED IN MAY SO THEY WOULD HAVE TO PUSH A LAWN MOWER IN JULY
    Bobbeenbad Bobbeenbad 61-65, M 2 days ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Sweetaspie23 Sweetaspie23 36-40, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 52 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    A couple is lying in bed.

    The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 11 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    I GUESS YOU SHOULDN’T CALL SOMEONE OUT !

    You might remember that Jeff Gordon did a Pepsi commercial a while back where he went to a dealership and did a test Drive with the salesman in the car. Really funny. Well, one of the media guys came out and said it was all fake so Jeff did A Pepsi test drive 2 with that...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    omarrochet omarrochet 18-21, M 1 hr ago

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    Two goldfish are in a tank.

    One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
    TheNameIAlwaysWanted TheNameIAlwaysWanted 16-17, T 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 53 Responses May 5, 2011

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    Leave some jokes in the responses please.

    I'm feeling kind of sad tonight :'(
    littlemissbubbly littlemissbubbly 16-17, F 1 day ago

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 62 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    FACTS! Husbands are like children —

    they’re fine if they’re someone else’s. Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too. A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do. Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature...
    undecided1129 undecided1129 18-21, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Best Aussie Joke Of The Year.

    Sheila,the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Michael. "Michael,Michael " she yelled...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 45 Responses Mar 27, 2013

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 114 Responses Dec 16, 2010