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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 54,151 People

    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 66 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    THE IRISH CHRISTENING Paddy's pregnant sister

    was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in a coma for nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby. The doctor replied, “You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are...
    csouls csouls 31-35, M 1 Response 6 hrs ago

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    An old man walks into a bar

    and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball. "I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?" The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three...
    caddriss caddriss 36-40, F 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    A man gets married and shortly afterwards his

    wife dies. A friend tries to console him and asks, "What happened to your wife?" "She died of poison from eating mushrooms," said the husband. This man gets married a second time, and not long after the marriage, this second wife dies. The same friend tries to console...
    silentkillxc1 silentkillxc1 18-21, F 5 Responses 10 hrs ago

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    Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

    Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 33 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    Margaret Thatcher about the American

    Dream; "Only a nation of true couch potatoes would be lazy enough to build its core aspirational values around a function of sleep."
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    are you over the top with your selfie stick?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KvLP8-H7JA
    HardLiquid HardLiquid 46-50, M 1 Response 23 hrs ago

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    Baby Rabbit: "Mommy,

    where did I come from?" Mother Rabbit: "I ll tell you when you re older." Baby Rabbit: "Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now." Mother Rabbit: "If you must know, you were pulled from a magician's hat."
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 2 days ago

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    The teacher asks the 5th graders what commodity

    they'd like best. Little Alice raises her hand and says"Gold". The teacher asks why. Alice says gold is worth lots of money and then she'd be able to buy a Corvette! Teacher asks "anyone else"?. Little Suzy raises her hand and says "Platinum". The teacher asks why. Suzy says...
    csouls csouls 31-35, M 6 hrs ago

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 60 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 36-40 39 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 36 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 61 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    Life living in the pursuit of happiness.

    The American Dream. We don't have a dream in England. There is no English Dream. It isn't because we lack moral guidance or a sense of a better tomorrow. There is no dream in England because we're AWAKE.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 21 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 56 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?

    . . . . . . . . . . . . . . BANANANAA- BANANANAA You sang it in your head didn't you? XD
    Yoyoko Yoyoko 16-17, F 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    Old men may walk slowly,

    but they think FAST An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 Response 20 hrs ago

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    Q: Why can't Elton John drive faster

    than 68mph? A: Because at 69 he blows a rod.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 17 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    A skunk family had two little skunks they

    called In and Out. One day little In disappeared. Mother Skunk, Father Skunk and young Out spent hours looking for him, getting more worried all the time. In the end the parents went home to have a cup of tea, but Out said he d continue searching for a while. Half an hour...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 2 days ago

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 52 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 69 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    A man goes into a pet shop

    and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, “Come on, a dog?” The owner says, “How about a cat?” The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 52 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 156 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 35 Responses May 10, 2011

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    A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

    "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    Best Aussie Joke Of The Year.

    Sheila,the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Michael. "Michael,Michael " she yelled...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 45 Responses Mar 27, 2013

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 101 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 51-55, F 31 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 22-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 148 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.

    We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. “What did you just call it?” I asked. “It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 2 days ago

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    Boy did you fart? ...

    . Cuz your blowing me away ;)
    roxy20122929292 roxy20122929292 22-25, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST ?

    The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first? Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.' 'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?' Suzy replied...
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill

    for men? It changes their blood type.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 10 hrs ago

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    What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?

    Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 10 hrs ago

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    Why don't cannibals eat Irish people?

    The last time they threw one in the cooking pot, he ate all the potatoes.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 10 hrs ago

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