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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 41,253 People

    It was entertainment night at the senior

    citizens' center. After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano It was time for the Star of the Show-Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 151 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    Love2014nb Love2014nb 51-55, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Man and his wife are sitting on the sofa one

    night. The wife notices her husband has a slight smile and far away look in his eyes. She asks "Honey what are you thinking about?" He replies "Remember when we were 17 and your father caught us making love in the back seat of my car? He told me, boy if you don't marry my...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    An old prospector shuffled into town leading an

    old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat. He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    BlackEyedBean BlackEyedBean 41-45, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 53 Responses May 5, 2011

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 156 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 18 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 118 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    I am as powerful as raspberry,

    And as big as a fly. But when you near me, you better fear me, Cause I can make a grown man cry. What am I?
    warriormaiden17 warriormaiden17 18-21, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Storming into his lawyer's office,

    a Texas oil tycoon demanded that divorce proceeding begin at one against is young wife. "What's the problem?" "I want to hit that adulteress ***** for breach of contract," snapped the magnate. "I don't know if that'll fly," replied the lawyer. "I mean, your wife isn't a...
    orgasmic27 orgasmic27 26-30, M 2 days ago

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 81 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    "This may look like nothing.

    .. But will feel good..." What is it...
    yeronlyman yeronlyman 41-45, M 8 Responses 2 days ago

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    A balding, white haired man walked into a

    jewelry store last Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger, woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a really special ring for his new girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, No, that is a mere...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 67 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 69 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    I bought my wife some crotchless knickers

    for Halloween, Nothing sexual, just to give her a better grip on her broomstick.
    Mike9272 Mike9272 41-45, M 16 hrs ago

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    Obama Golf - you must listen with your speakers

    turned on, it run 3.07, but it is funny. https://soundcloud.com/mrose5/obama-golf
    DanCan1 DanCan1 56-60, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    And one for Halloween A tourist in Vienna is

    going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 Response 8 hrs ago

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    A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school

    girls and they all perish. They are in Heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, 'Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?' She giggles and shyly replies, 'Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.' St...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 5 Responses 10 hrs ago

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 53 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    Roger had set a double date

    for himself and his friend Troy. Roger said, "Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me tell you what they're like." "Okay," said his buddy. "Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She's short on looks, but she gives an incredible *******. Suzie is pretty and has a perfect pair...
    orgasmic27 orgasmic27 26-30, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 58 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 21 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    Make a small and three larger triangles by

    moving three matches. The matches should not lie on top of each other. Enjoy.., ;)
    htheart htheart 36-40, F 2 Responses 20 hrs ago

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 48 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 50 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    A radio talk show host was interviewing a WWII

    vet who'd served as waist gunner on a B-17. The host asked him "what was the most dangerous mission you went on?" The waist gunner, a good old boy, said "that's easy. We had to go to Berlin once, and when we was still quite a ways out, the flak started up. Them black puffs was...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 1 day ago

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 32 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 56 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 36 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    htheart htheart 36-40, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 39 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 13 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    Why do ghosts make such terrible liars?

    You can see right through them.
    Kenneth184 Kenneth184 41-45, M 3 Responses 10 hrs ago

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    The room was full of pregnant women with their

    Husbands. The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial, it will strengthen the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass...
    orgasmic27 orgasmic27 26-30, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 31 Responses Aug 24

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    The local news station was interviewing an

    80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting...
    orgasmic27 orgasmic27 26-30, M 2 days ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    A penquin is driving across the Mohave desert.

    He car starts to buck and the engine is making a terrible noise. Luckily up ahead he spys a few buildings along the road. He pulls into a gas station & repair shop and explains what his car was doing to the mechanic. The mechanic tells him he'll take a look at it. Being...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 14 hrs ago

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    Love2014nb Love2014nb 51-55, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Russ and Sam, two friends,

    met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 100 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 35 Responses May 10, 2011

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    One Halloween a trick-or-treater came to my

    door dressed as "Rocky" in boxing gloves and satin shorts. Soon after I gave him some goodies, he returned for more. "Aren't you the same 'Rocky' who left my doorstep several minutes ago?" I asked. "Yes," he replied, "but now I'm the sequel. I'll be back three more times...
    Mike9272 Mike9272 41-45, M 3 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    A successful rancher died

    and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 1 day ago

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 63 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    Move two matches to get three quadrants

    and 6 rectangles! Enjoy ;)
    htheart htheart 36-40, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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