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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 46,710 People

    Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the

    woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, 'Lie to me, Lie to me'
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 5 Responses 17 hrs ago

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 36 Responses May 10, 2011

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    No Fishing! A couple went on vacation to a

    fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 Response 15 hrs ago

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    My request is that pls read this

    and get your children also to read it. One young man went to apply for a managerial position in a big company. He passed the initial interview, and now would meet the director for the final interview. The director discovered from his CV that the youth's academic...
    Rosalindaag Rosalindaag 18-21, F 1 Response 1 hr ago

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 37 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    Real Police Stories The following are actual

    incidents reported... #1 A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then, he discovered the problem - a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 4 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 101 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    Riddle I have no voice

    and yet I speak to you, I tell of all things in the world that people do. I have leaves, but I am not a tree, I have pages, but I am not a bride or royalty. I have a spine and hinges, but I am not a man or a door, I have told you all, I cannot tell you more. What am I?
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 8 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 53 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    Punishment A man died

    and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. 'That's unfair!' he cried. 'I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 3 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 36-40 39 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 64 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    THE WILL Don Smith is on his deathbed

    and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 1 Response 16 hrs ago

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    Judge:Have you ever been cross-examined before?

    Accused:Many times,your honour.I'm a married man. Lol...
    teachocolate teachocolate 41-45, F 11 Responses 6 hrs ago

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    A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a

    building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. The man on the 3rd floor does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 Response 17 hrs ago

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    Pregnant Prostitute Doctor asks a pregnant

    prostitute.. "Do you know who the father is?" "For goodness sakes, if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you pass wind?"
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 Response 13 hrs ago

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 112 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 34 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    A boy and his cheating girlfriend walk into the

    dark woods. The girlfriend says "Gee, it sure is scary here." Then the boyfriend says "You think it's scary? I have to walk out of here alone."
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 17 hrs ago

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    Guy pulls up to his grandpa's house to find

    him sitting on the front porch in his rocking chair with just an undershirt on & naked from his waist down. He said grandpa people pasing on the road will see your ****** & why in the hell are you sitting out here half naked for? Grandpa replied, last week I set out here without...
    thumper15 thumper15 18-21, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 78 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    Did you hear about the dyslexic,

    agnostic, insomniac? He lay in bed all night wondering if there was a dog.
    PhlipipUK PhlipipUK 61-65, M 2 Responses 7 hrs ago

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    A Wish Comes True A man walks up to the bar

    with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 2 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    Little Johnny came home from school with a note

    from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." Johnny's mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 Responses 17 hrs ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 14 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    There was 3 men at the kings throne,

    one of them looked at a fountain. the man ask, "what is this fountain for? it doesn't look like a decoration." The king said, "it forgives the bad things you have done, you have to do a sin, then you can drink it.". So the three men did what they wanted. The first man came in...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 4 Responses 17 hrs ago

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    The kindergarten class had a homework

    assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, however, knowing that he could be a...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 Responses 7 hrs ago

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    Sign above the men room urinal: We aim to

    please! You aim too, please!
    GJOFJ3 GJOFJ3 56-60, M 7 Responses 15 hrs ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 156 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    Best Aussie Joke Of The Year.

    Sheila,the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Michael. "Michael,Michael " she yelled...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 45 Responses Mar 27, 2013

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    FayeWillcrown FayeWillcrown 22-25, F 4 Responses 12 hrs ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 116 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    A man gets up one morning to find his wife in

    the kitchen cooking. He looks to see what's she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan. "what are you doing?" he asks. "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed drunk," she replied. Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 1 Response 8 hrs ago

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    Wife: "How would you describe me?

    " Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
    undecided1129 undecided1129 18-21, F 3 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 58 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    How I learned to mind my own business.

    .. I was walkin down the street past a mental hospital. I could hear all the patients shouting...13.....13.....13. The fence was way too high to see over, but I noticed a gap in the planks and peaked thru, when some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick and everyone started...
    thumper15 thumper15 18-21, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Riddle; There is a frog,

    dead in the middle of an island. If he swims north, the distance to the mainland is 2 metres. If he swims south, the distance to the mainland is 3 metres. If he swims east or west, the distance is 4 metres. Which way does he swim?
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 5 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    One day, two women, Charlotte

    and Scarlet, were sittin on Charlotte's porch talkin and sippin tea on a nice alabama evening. So they're just talkin' and an awkard silence breaks ground, then Charlotte decides to brag. She turns to Scarlet and says "now honey, you see this house right here? well, my husband...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 Response 17 hrs ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 49 Responses Mar 10, 2014

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 21 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    Riddle Take off my skin - I won't cry,

    but you will! What am I?
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 12 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 149 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 51-55, F 32 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    A divorced man bumps into his ex-wife's new

    husband at a party. After having a few drinks, he walks over to the dude & sneers, "So how do you like using the second hand wore out p***y I left ya?". "Don't bother me" the new husband replies. "Once I got passed the first 3 inches you messed up it was all brand new & damn...
    thumper15 thumper15 18-21, F 9 Responses 1 day ago

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    Riddle; A group of soldiers were standing in

    the blistering sun facing due west. Their sergeant shouted at them: Right turn! About turn! Left turn! In which direction are they now facing?
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 18 Responses 15 hrs ago

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 56 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 67 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 48 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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