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I Love Jokes And Riddles

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 51 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    My friend thinks he is smart.

    He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 1 Response 5 days ago

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    My grandfather died peacefully,

    in his sleep… …not screaming like the passengers in his car.
    firmhand1964 firmhand1964 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    A Specialist renovated his Clinic

    and Cabin. He requested the Painter to Write his Profession outside his Cabin Door. Painter did the same and left the place. When the Specialist returned later, he fainted to floor after reading what was written on his door. " PSYCHO THE RAPIST " LOL
    wintersecret wintersecret 36-40, M 3 days ago

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    A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in

    hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleep, do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all nine...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 147 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 19 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 58 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    -This bread is my flesh,

    this wine is my blood, this lemon juice is - -Okay, we get it, Master!
    ScissorhandsFingeredMe ScissorhandsFingeredMe 16-17, F 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    Why can't Cam Newton get into his driveway?

    Someone painted an endzone on it.
    Sicarium Sicarium 36-40, M 2 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    A plane is on its way to Melbourne

    when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back. The...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 51 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 65 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids

    overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I...
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 5 Responses 5 days ago

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    Q. Why don't blind people sky dive?

    A. It scares the crap out of their dogs. 
    firmhand1964 firmhand1964 46-50, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 101 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    I was drinking at a bar

    so I took a bus home. That may not seem like a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
    Unine Unine 36-40, F 6 Responses 5 days ago

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    Since her new husband is

    so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 Responses 6 days ago

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    There were two women traveling to Las Vegas,

    the plane had mean turbulence and bad weather. The captain announced to everyone to get into the crash position, head between the knees. A white woman was sitting next to a black woman, so the white woman took out all her jewelry and started putting it all on, so the black...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    a man was in the African safari

    when he was suddenly attacked by a lion. the next thing he remembers is waking up in a vudo doctor's office. he feels really strange. the doctor explains that lion tore you limb for limb so we put you back togather with spare parts we had here. Your arm was gone so we put a...
    doctrble doctrble 41-45, M 2 Responses 6 days ago

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    A German woman married an American gentleman

    born in Virginia and they lived happily ever after in his home town. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher counter and...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 3 Responses 5 days ago

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    Q. What's the difference between an oral

    thermometer and a rectal thermometer?A.  The taste. 
    firmhand1964 firmhand1964 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Best Aussie Joke Of The Year.

    Sheila,the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Michael. "Michael,Michael " she yelled...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 43 Responses Mar 27, 2013

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 153 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 22-25, F 34 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Teacher asked what comes

    after a sentence. Told her an appeal.
    Unine Unine 36-40, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    The only reason I would take up walking is

    so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 Response 19 hrs ago

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 33 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    A woman walked into a sports store

    and headed over to the racks of fishing rods. She chose what looked like a nice rod and carried it across to the counter. The store owner stood there and she asked, “Is this the best rod you have? It’s my husband’s 60th birthday and I want to buy him the very best...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 22 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    I told my dad to embrace his mistakes - he

    cried...... Then hugged my sister and I.
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

    So I packed her things and left.
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 7 Responses 2 days ago

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    A woman and man get into a car accident.

    Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try...
    Dirk0 Dirk0 56-60, M 1 Response 5 days ago

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    Hahahahahaahhaha Check this out.

    Its very interesting and Educative. If: A B C D E F G H I J K LM N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is equal to; 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K ; 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98% K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E ; 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96% L+O+V+E...
    Rosalindaag Rosalindaag 22-25, F 18 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 45 Responses Mar 10, 2014

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 36-40 39 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    A man died and went to The Judgment,

    they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a...
    Paschar Paschar 61-65, M 2 hrs ago

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    pdqsailor1 pdqsailor1 51-55, M 1 day ago

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 57 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 56-60, F 28 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his

    5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed...
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    You know, some women would be over the moon to

    be woken up on their birthday with flowers, breakfast in bed and 20 minutes of amazing oral s.e.x. But oh no, not MY mum!
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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