Post

I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 38,181 People

    Everyone was seated around the table

    as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating straight away. “Jonny, wait until we’ve said our prayer,” his mother reminded him. “I don’t have to.” – the little boy replied. “Of course you do.” – his mother insisted...
    MysticTraveler MysticTraveler 51-55, M 3 Responses 10 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A helicopter was flying around above Seattle

    when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a...
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 1 Response 1 hr ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    An Auburn student spent a holiday in New Mexico

    with Native Americans who told him the Legend of the Maidens. The tale went this way: "There are beautiful maidens who live in the cracks and crevices in this valley. If you hear them call, 'Woo Woo,' take off your clothes quickly and enter the cave. They will show you a...
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 1 Response 4 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Three criminals are sentenced to exile in the

    desert and can only bring one personal item. "I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat," said the first criminal. "I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink," said the second. The third criminal looks...
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 1 Response 5 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught

    for about a zillion years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as "Bonkistry". He has been around forever, so I wouldn't put it past him to come up with something like this. Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry...
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 5 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    RELIEVING STRESS IN CLASS 1.

    Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board. 2. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook. 3. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY". (At Least for the Male profs.) 4...
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 1 Response 3 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 55 Responses Apr 2, 2013

    Your Response

    Cancel

    An engineer crosses a road

    when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one month...
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 3 Responses 1 hr ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 64 Responses Jan 3, 2011

    Your Response

    Cancel

    An Ohio State University mortician student

    walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Confident that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body. When he rolled it over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man's butt. Mystified, he pulled...
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 2 Responses 3 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 52 Responses May 5, 2011

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A police officer pulls over a driver

    and informs him that he has just won $5000 in a safety competition all because he is wearing his seat belt. "What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks. The man responds, ''I guess I'll go to a driving school and get my license.'' His wife says, "Officer...
    enriqueclasico enriqueclasico 26-30, M 4 Responses 8 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 34 Responses Oct 6, 2012

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 39 Responses Nov 3, 2006

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Two guys get pulled over

    while drinking and driving. The driver tells his friend, "Peel the labels off these beer bottles, and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now, shove all of the bottles under the front seat. Just let me do all the talking." The cop walks up and shines his flashlight into the...
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 2 Responses 3 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Last semester I took macroeconomics

    and didn't have a clue what I was doing (as cited on the final exam). There were 80 multiple choice questions. For some reason I decided to play the game of probability and choose the letter "A" for everything. In that game, the only thing probable was that I failed. The...
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 3 Responses 5 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 47 Responses Sep 2, 2012

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Two men are sitting next to each other in an

    Irish-style pub in New York City and both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and asks, "So where are you from?" "I'm from Ireland." "Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more. "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin." "Me...
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 3 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Mother: "Come on, Victor,

    you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school." Victor: "Mom, do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too." Mother: "Yes, you do." Victor: "Give me one good reason." Mother: "Because you're 34 years old, and you're the principal."
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 1 Response 3 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 32 Responses Nov 1, 2006

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The U.S. Government decided to take an

    experiment to see what people say right before they get into an auto accident. 89% of the people in 49 states said: ''Oh, s**t!'' In Texas 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.''
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 2 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A drunk Alaskan decides to go ice fishing.

    He starts sawing a hole in the ice, but just then a booming voice says, "You will find no fish there." The drunk ignores it and continues sawing. The voice repeats, "You will find no fish under the ice." The drunk looks up and says, "God, is that you?" The voice says, "No, I'm...
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 1 Response 2 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 32 Responses May 10, 2011

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 155 Responses Feb 27, 2013

    Your Response

    Cancel

    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 34 Responses Nov 6, 2006

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 17 Responses Dec 31, 2012

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A kid went to the police to report about his

    lost bicycle this morning... KID: My new bicycle has been stolen! POLICE: When did you notice? KID: This morning. POLICE: Do you have a suspect? KID: Yes, my mum and dad. POLICE: Why do you suspect them? KID: Yesterday at midnight, I heard mum say, "Make it stand so I can sit on...
    enriqueclasico enriqueclasico 26-30, M 1 Response 8 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 38 Responses Aug 27, 2012

    Your Response

    Cancel

    There was a young country boy

    who was very bright. In fact he was bright enough to be accepted to Harvard. One of his first assignments at Harvard was to write a paper on a famous person. He didn't know who he would write about so he decided to go to the library and do some research. But he didn't know where...
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 2 Responses 4 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 20, 2010

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 64 Responses Jun 1, 2013

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 29 Responses 6 days ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 97 Responses Sep 28, 2012

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The man who invented doesn't want it.

    The man that wants it doesn't need it. The man that needs it doesn't know it. What is it?
    TyTy19 TyTy19 16-17, M 1 Response 4 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 29 Responses Sep 25, 2011

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 22 Responses Nov 6, 2006

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Isn't it strange that we,

    as men, spend the first nine months of our lives trying to get out of the womb, and the rest of our lives trying to get right back in.
    jopava jopava 51-55, M 3 Responses 13 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 114 Responses Dec 16, 2010

    Your Response

    Cancel

    An Irishman, an Englishman

    and a Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down, and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs...
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 3 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A Scottish man, an Englishman

    and an Irishman sit in a pub and discuss the best pubs around. The Englishman says, "There's a pub in the West Midlands where the landlord buys you a drink for every one that you buy." The Scot is not impressed and says, "That's nothing! In the Highlands, every time you buy a...
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 1 Response 2 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 51 Responses Aug 31, 2012

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Daily Joke 10-31-2006

    I start with a 'safe' joke about a blonde girl... (he thats me ;-) ) A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper...
    linda linda 21-25, F 37 Responses Oct 31, 2006

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

    Your Response

    Cancel

    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

    Your Response

    Cancel

    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 76 Responses Jan 20, 2013

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small

    congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day, he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should...
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 3 Responses 2 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 51 Responses Sep 20, 2013

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 70 Responses Oct 10, 2012

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic

    plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did. Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus...
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 5 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The preschool teacher says,

    "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?" Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!" The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence? Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue." "That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the...
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 2 Responses 4 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A woman has twins, and gives them up

    for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also...
    Guvna2106 Guvna2106 31-35, M 5 Responses 1 hr ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A teacher asks the new student her name.

    The girl replies, "Happy Butt." The teacher says, "I don't think that's your name. You need to go to the principal's office and get this straightened out." The girl goes to the principal's office and he asks, "What's your name?" The little girl says, "Happy Butt." The...
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 5 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 13 Responses Apr 24, 2013

    Your Response

    Cancel