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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 49,163 People

    Leave some jokes in the responses please.

    I'm feeling kind of sad tonight :'(
    littlemissbubbly littlemissbubbly 16-17, F 1 day ago

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 37 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?

    A: A Budweiser in each hand!
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    One day a housework-challenged husband decided

    to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," She replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 3 Responses 7 hrs ago

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    A guy was meeting a friend in a bar,

    and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other, "Nine." Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten. "Sorry to spoil...
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    IT SOMETIMES SEEMS LIKE MAN COULD WELL HAVE

    EVOLVED FROM THE ANIMAL WORLD SOME ARE STUBBORN HAS MULE BUSY HAS A BEE IN SPREADING RUMORS SLY HAS A FOX IN BUSINESS DEALS QUITE HAS A MOUSE IN TEACHING THE GOSPEL MEAN HAS A SNAKE WHEN THEY DONT GET THERE WAY LAZY HAS A DOG WHEN WORK IS NEEDED AND EAGER HAS BEAVER TO LET...
    Bobbeenbad Bobbeenbad 61-65, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    tylerlh tylerlh 18-21, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 16 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    After a Beer Festival in London,

    all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in...
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 51 Responses Mar 10, 2014

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 34 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    So once my friend kept making jokes about my

    height, since I'm 4'10. He made some stupid puns and jokes that made me end up throwing his phone across the room. He looked me at with some surprised face then slowly whispered in my ears, "Jesus, Destrey.. Are you short-tempered?" Him and his puns. .-.
    HellNotHallelujah HellNotHallelujah 18-21, F 5 Responses 5 hrs ago

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    Best Aussie Joke Of The Year.

    Sheila,the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Michael. "Michael,Michael " she yelled...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 45 Responses Mar 27, 2013

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    An Englishman's home is his castle.

    ..until his wife gets home.
    alanbt alanbt 61-65, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 51-55, F 33 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    church humor A Sunday School teacher was

    telling her kindergarten class about the Golden Rule Remember she sid we are here to help other people A little girl asked Then what are the others here for ?
    Bobbeenbad Bobbeenbad 61-65, M 1 day ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 157 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 52 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 67 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 69 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    I GUESS YOU SHOULDN’T CALL SOMEONE OUT !

    You might remember that Jeff Gordon did a Pepsi commercial a while back where he went to a dealership and did a test Drive with the salesman in the car. Really funny. Well, one of the media guys came out and said it was all fake so Jeff did A Pepsi test drive 2 with that...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 2 Responses 17 hrs ago

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    FACTS! Husbands are like children —

    they’re fine if they’re someone else’s. Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too. A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do. Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature...
    undecided1129 undecided1129 18-21, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 36 Responses May 10, 2011

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    After she woke up, a woman told her husband,

    "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of...
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Irish Interview Murphy applied

    for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager. When the results were in...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    omarrochet omarrochet 18-21, M 1 Response 3 hrs ago

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    "It's just too hot to wear clothes today,

    " Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 2 Responses 7 hrs ago

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 62 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    Son: Dad, l got selected

    for the role of 'husband' in a play ! Dad: Idiot! Ask your teacher for a role which has dialogues.??
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 8 Responses 7 hrs ago

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    Everybody on earth dies

    and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to form two queues -- one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." The next time God looked...
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 10 Responses 7 hrs ago

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 60 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 62 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    My friend was talking about learning a computer

    language a while ago with this guy we got talking to at a social gathering. The guy enquired which language is the course in and my friend innocently answered 'Oh its in English' True Story....
    Sweetaspie23 Sweetaspie23 36-40, M 1 Response 17 hrs ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    Two goldfish are in a tank.

    One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
    TheNameIAlwaysWanted TheNameIAlwaysWanted 16-17, T 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Peter loves to drink at the local bar,

    but his wife disapproves of this. One night, he's at the bar and he gets extremely drunk. He tries to stand up, but immediately falls to the floor. He tries this a few more times, but each time he falls to the floor. People offered to help him, but he said no each time. He...
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 36-40 40 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    Why did I get divorced?

    Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday!" and I felt so special. She went out to...
    Injoy1767 Injoy1767 46-50, F 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    Sweetaspie23 Sweetaspie23 36-40, M 1 Response 17 hrs ago

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    A guy goes into a bar

    and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them...
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 9 Responses 1 day ago

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    New Zealand and Australia always have friendly

    rivalry. Last weekend the New Zealand cricket team beat the Australian team much to the delight of all Kiwis. Enjoy this Australian attempt at getting even. Kiwi and an Aussie go to a pastry shop. The Kiwi whisks three biscuits into his pocket with such speed the baker doesn...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 2 Responses 20 hrs ago

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    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 114 Responses Dec 16, 2010