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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 50,991 People

    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 62 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    righthanded righthanded 56-60, M 3 Responses 4 days ago

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 53 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    A blind man Wakes up on an uninhabited Island.

    He has a specific disease for which he has to take pills. He has to take one red pill and one white pill. He cannot take two white or two red pills otherwise he dies. Same Goes for two white and one red and vice versa. The man has four pills in his pocket of which two are white...
    Laffa Laffa 22-25, M 4 Responses 3 days ago

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    Best Aussie Joke Of The Year.

    Sheila,the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Michael. "Michael,Michael " she yelled...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 46 Responses Mar 27, 2013

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 55 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    Wedding Preparation Jacob,

    age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemists. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    Terrorism High Alert Causing Me Problems When

    I was at the checkout and ready to pay for my groceries the cashier said, "***** down, facing me." Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed. After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided...
    jugglar jugglar 26-30, M 1 day ago

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 34 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 16 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    pdqsailor1 pdqsailor1 51-55, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Find the missing animal!

    The animals of jungle are organising a party.The Lion King has assigned work to every animal. The bear is decorating The crows are distributing invitations The giraffe is singing The monkeys are dancing The koala is making BBQs But where is the donkey? The donkey is busy in...
    liza1996 liza1996 18-21, F 4 Responses 3 days ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 157 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 47 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 35 Responses May 10, 2011

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    Never laugh at your wife choices.

    You are one of them. :P
    KarenDew KarenDew 18-21, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 36-40 40 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    my husband says he wanted more space .

    ...... so i locked him outside
    ideallover ideallover 22-25, F 6 Responses 3 days ago

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    (While Eating ) Son:Dad!

    Dad!listen Father:How many times have I told u not to talk while eating!Eat silently! (After eating) Father:Come on! Now tell me what were u talking about? Son:Dad!There was a cockroach in your pizza!
    liza1996 liza1996 18-21, F 5 Responses 3 days ago

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    brokenfixed brokenfixed 18-21, M 5 hrs ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 51-55, F 32 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans rowing

    towards Texas. The Captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?" One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "Gringo, we are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 days ago

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    A lady applied for the position of a house maid.

    Asked why she left her last employment, she said: Sir, the wages were good, the living conditions were quite comfortable but it was the most ridiculous place I’ve ever worked. They played this game they called Bridge. Last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to...
    jugglar jugglar 26-30, M 3 days ago

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    pdqsailor1 pdqsailor1 51-55, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    R: How are Prague divorce attorneys like bad

    restaurant patrons? A: They're always asking for separate Czechs.
    HectorSavage HectorSavage 36-40, M 5 days ago

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    Laffa Laffa 22-25, M 5 Responses 3 days ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 114 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    Stop waiting for a Prince Charming.

    Get up and find Him. The poor Idiot may be stuck in a tree or something.
    KarenDew KarenDew 18-21, F 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 60 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    It was a gorgeous day

    so Warren decided to take his convertible and go for a ride in the country. As he drove along he noticed a Semi come into view up ahead but didn't pay much mind to it when suddenly something fell off of the truck and onto the side of the road. Pulling over to see what it was...
    Xlandria61 Xlandria61 61-65, F 17 hrs ago

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 149 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 36 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    pdqsailor1 pdqsailor1 51-55, M 1 day ago

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    SENIOR #4 RETIREMENT CENTER Down at the

    retirement center 80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 Response 6 hrs ago

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 71 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    After a long, dry sermon,

    the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church board after the service. The first man to arrive was a stranger. You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board, said the minister. I know, said the man. If there is anyone here more bored than...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses 22 hrs ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 52 Responses Mar 10, 2014

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 101 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 18-21, F 33 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    SENIOR #3. DRIVING As a senior citizen was

    driving down the highway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on I85. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Vernon ,"It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    I farted in the Apple store

    and everyone got pissed, Not my fault they don't have Windows.
    RedThatDescribesMe RedThatDescribesMe 18-21, F 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    B: Wanna know what will happen

    if being beautiful is a crime? G: *giggles* What? B: You're innocent
    Fourtris143 Fourtris143 18-21, F 1 day ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 18-21, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home.

    Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 3 Responses 2 days ago