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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 36,420 People

    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 48 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 89 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    TRUE MEANING OF MALE STATEMENTS Statement:

    "I'm a Romantic." True Meaning: "I'm poor." Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about." True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me." Statement: "I really want to get to know you better." True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 2 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 11 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    What is a man's idea of foreplay?

    A half hour of begging.
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 2 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 14 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 50 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 75 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 62 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 70 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 22 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    Husband: I don't know

    why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 18 hrs ago

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    Husband: "This coffee isn't fit

    for a pig!" Wife: "No problem, I'll get you some that is."
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 4 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in

    school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 2 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 47 Responses Mar 10

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 39 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 44 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    On their honeymoon, the new husband told his

    bride, "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship. "What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly. "I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 1 hr ago

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 35 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike

    Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of...
    Scaramooch Scaramooch 46-50, M 1 Response 23 hrs ago

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    Q. What is the one thing

    that all men at singles bars have in common? A. They're married. Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow. Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? A. They already have boyfriends. Q. How...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 18 hrs ago

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    Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?

    So they can find their way back to the house.
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 2 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 60 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    How many men does it take to change a roll of

    toilet paper? Who knows? - did it ever happen??
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 18 hrs ago

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    A husband and wife were having dinner at a very

    fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says "Who was that?" "Oh" replies the husband "she's my mistress...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 1 Response 14 hrs ago

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    fairytalesandspiderwebs fairytalesandspiderwebs 18-21, F 6 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    F0REVERY0UNG23 F0REVERY0UNG23 22-25, F 3 Responses 9 hrs ago

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    Daily Joke 10-31-2006

    I start with a 'safe' joke about a blonde girl... (he thats me ;-) ) A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper...
    linda linda 21-25, F 37 Responses Oct 31, 2006

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    What's the difference between a new husband

    and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 Response 18 hrs ago

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    Just A Few Questions: Is there ever a day

    that mattress' are not on sale? How about Automobiles? Why isn't 911 pronounced Ninety Eleven? If it is true that we are here to help others, what are the others here for? What ever happened to Preparations A thru G? The Statistics on Mental Health say that 1 out of every 4...
    Xlandria61 Xlandria61 61-65, F 1 Response 17 hrs ago

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 31 Responses May 10, 2011

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 147 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 52 Responses May 5, 2011

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 115 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    Why were men given larger brains

    than dogs? A.So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. B.So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 18 hrs ago

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    What is the thinnest book in the world?

    "What men know about women."
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 3 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    Juan said to his friend Pedro: Why is it

    that every time I bring a girl friend? My mother doesn't like it? His friend Pedro said: why don't you Bring a girl that's look like your mother? Juan reply! I did but my father doesn't like it!
    Bluejec19 Bluejec19 41-45, F 2 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 34 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 46 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 56 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a

    helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 2 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    A man walked into a pet shop in Silicon Valley

    and said: “I’d like to buy a monkey” The salesman showed him three identical looking monkeys priced: $1,000; $2,000 and $5,000 The customer asked what the difference was. The salesman said: “The $1,000 monkey can touch-type, has basic computer skills including detailed...
    BigAsset BigAsset 36-40, M 5 Responses 4 hrs ago

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    An old man was tired from riding his bike,

    and decided to hitch hike. A guy in his red Corvette pulled up to give him a lift. When the old man brought out his bike that he had leaned up against a tree, the driver said, "I have no room for your bike in my car, but I'd like to help you in someway seeing you standing here...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 22 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 51 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 111 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    How does a man take a bubble bath?

    He eats beans for dinner.
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 18 hrs ago

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    : What stays in the corner

    and travels all over the world? A: A stamp.
    restored87 restored87 46-50, F 2 Responses 2 hrs ago

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 29 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    fairytalesandspiderwebs fairytalesandspiderwebs 18-21, F 2 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    Poor people have this.

    Rich people need this. If you eat this, you will die. What is this? . . . . . . . . . . Nothing.
    MerryJayn MerryJayn 26-30, F 18 hrs ago

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    What is a man's idea of doing housework?

    Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 Response 18 hrs ago

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