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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 51,975 People

    One day Kermit the Frog was looking sad.

    Fozzie Bear went up to him and asked what was wrong. Kermit said, "I'm having problems with Miss Piggy." "Like what?" asked Fozzie. "Well, Piggy wants me to eat her out and I can't." Fozzie asked, "So, what's wrong with that? You're not a prude or anything." "No," sighed Kermit...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 7 hrs ago

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    A father has three daughters

    that are all getting married on the same day. He asks his oldest daughter, ''Who do you wish to marry? She says, ''Father, I wish to marry the man with three dragons on his chest.'' He walks over to his second daughter and asks her the same question. She replies, ''Father, I...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 5 hrs ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 55 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    A Russian guy comes across a bottle of vodka on

    the street. He picks it up and a genie comes out, "You are my master. You now have one wish." The Russian man says, "I would like to **** vodka." When the he gets home, he tells his wife to get two glasses. She asks what they'll be drinking. He tells her he can **** vodka and...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 4 hrs ago

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 101 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 51 Responses Mar 10, 2014

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    Father: Which one do you love more ,

    me or Mommy? Son: I love you both. Father: Very Well , lets say I went to Japan and Mommy went to France which country will you go to? Son: Japan. Father: See, that you love Mommy more than me? Son: No, I just want to visit Japan. Father: Very well , lets say I went to Japan and...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 day ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 16 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 36-40 39 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 62 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 18-21, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    An elderly widow and widower were dating

    for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 7 hrs ago

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 21 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    My favorite se,,,xual position is called "The

    Osama"... its where I burst into your room and blow a load on your face.
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 7 hrs ago

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 66 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 52 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    COP: "When I saw you driving down the road,

    I guessed 55 at least." LADY: "You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old.”
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 30 mins ago

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 35 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 18-21, F 34 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    Are You Really Sure? A blind guy on a bar

    stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 7 hrs ago

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    My Mother taught me LOGIC.

    .."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 7 hrs ago

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    The First Parent by Bill Cosby Whenever

    your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?", Adam replied. "Don't eat...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 7 hrs ago

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    WOMEN #4 WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove

    down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 5 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 35 Responses May 10, 2011

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    Why is it nice being a baby?

    It’s a nappy time.
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 17 hrs ago

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    what always bites off more

    than it can chew?
    Redmoon383 Redmoon383 16-17, M 1 Response 14 hrs ago

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 36 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    A tourist asks a man in uniform,

    "Are you a policeman?" "No, I am an undercover detective." "So why are you in uniform?" "Today is my day off."
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 24 mins ago

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    The Evolution of Mom Yes,

    parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first: Your Clothes - 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 7 hrs ago

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 54 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    The following is supposedly a true story.

    To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny. February 1, 1993 James Macdonals and William Shoesmith, both 26, were sentenced to five years in prison for bank robbery. According to his lawyer, Macdonald hated his robbery...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 7 hrs ago

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    Teacher asks student: What is the half of 8?

    Student: Miss horizontally or vertically? Teacher: What do mean? Student: Horizontally it is 0 and vertically it is 3.
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 2 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 18-21, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    Two Yankee boys were driving through the South

    and was stopped by a State Trooper. The trooper walked up to the open driver’s window, reached in, and slapped the driver on the side of his head. "What did you do that for?" the driver asked. "I don’t know how yall do it up north but here in Alabama, you have your drivers...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 2 Responses 1 hr ago

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 60 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    A man pulls up to the curb

    and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No," says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 hr ago

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    Best Aussie Joke Of The Year.

    Sheila,the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Michael. "Michael,Michael " she yelled...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 45 Responses Mar 27, 2013

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    Son: Dad, it's so cold in here!

    Father: Go stand in the corner. Son: Why? Father: The corner is 90 degrees.
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 Response 17 hrs ago

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    The man was in no shape to drive,

    so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." the man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 31 mins ago

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    Hahahahahaahhaha Check this out.

    Its very interesting and Educative. If: A B C D E F G H I J K LM N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is equal to; 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K ; 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98% K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E ; 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96% L+O+V+E...
    Rosalindaag Rosalindaag 18-21, F 20 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    "Hi, honey. This is Daddy.

    Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you don't have an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now." Brief pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what...
    ccrider63 ccrider63 61-65, M 3 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    The Clintons were in the front row at a Yankees

    game, surrounded by secret service people. Just before the game started, one of them leaned forward and whispered in Bill's ear. Bill grabbed Hillary by the scruff of the neck and pushed her over the railing, she fell 10 feet onto the dugout roof, screaming obscenities. The SS...
    Indiemind Indiemind 56-60, M 2 Responses 11 hrs ago

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    Knock Knock! Who's there?

    Justin Justin who? Justin time for dinner!
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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