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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 42,851 People

    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 50 Responses Mar 10

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 156 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 54 Responses May 5, 2011

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    "Honey," said this husband to his wife,

    "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor guy is...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 1 day ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 30 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    silverwolf99 silverwolf99 13-15, F 1 Response 5 hrs ago

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    A panda bear walks into a restaurant

    and orders a meal. After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away. Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!" The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!" So, the bartender looks up...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 14 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    Very touching story .

    . Once upon a time ..a small boy named Hameed living in a tiny primitive Moroccan village was bvery moron and all his classmates hate him for his stupidity especially his teacher Aisha who was always yelling on him"you are driving me crazy Hameed" ..one day his mother went to...
    Angel763 Angel763 22-25, F 1 Response 5 hrs ago

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    A brilliant young boy was applying

    for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?" "Yes", the boy replied. "Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 1 day ago

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    A funny quote-I always try to cheer myself up

    by singing when I get sad. Most of the time, it turns out that my voice is worse than my problems. Anonymous
    restored87 restored87 46-50, F 4 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 63 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 68 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Love everyone is looking

    for love, a lifetime of deep passionate love; I'm looking for a shallow half hour
    avgjoe71 avgjoe71 41-45, M 4 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 37 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    Bad Parrott A young man named

    John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words...
    actionjake actionjake 56-60, M 37 mins ago

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    Wife: "How would you describe me?

    " Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
    Angel763 Angel763 22-25, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 40 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 69 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    Daughter: I got an a+ on my biology test today.

    Mother: well stfu!!! Daughter: what?? Mother: super terrific fantastic uber-well! I said it to your father and he stormed off. Daughter: try just saying wtf next time. It means well that's fantastic. Mother: thanks for the advice, but I think this text talk is going down...
    silverwolf99 silverwolf99 13-15, F 3 Responses 6 hrs ago

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 151 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 51 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    A Joke My Husband Told Me There were 4 Mormon

    fathers who met at a tavern on a Saturday night. They started discussing how proud they were of their families and they could leave this world having no regrets from their lives. One of the gentlemen stepped out to use the restroom while the remaining three started talking about...
    FortressV FortressV 22-25, F 3 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 48 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    After death a man reached at heaven gate.

    There he met St Peter St Peter : You have to answer a question after that you can enter. The man: What?s that? St Peter : You have to spell a word. In case you fail, you will be taken to Hell. The man: Which word? St Peter : ?Love? The man: Okay, it?s ?L-O-V-E? St Peter...
    Angel763 Angel763 22-25, F 10 Responses 10 hrs ago

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    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 18 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 112 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early

    this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the nigh
    mzkayz mzkayz 31-35, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    After death a man reached at heaven gate.

    There he met St Peter St Peter : You have to answer a question after that you can enter. The man: What's that? St Peter : You have to spell a word. In case you fail, you will be taken to Hell. The man: Which word? St Peter : "Love" The man: Okay, it's "L-O-V-E" St Peter...
    CoolDad59 CoolDad59 51-55, M 2 Responses 9 hrs ago

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    When you need me, you throw me BUT When u

    don't need me , you keep me. What am I?
    poisonlady poisonlady 31-35 3 Responses 6 hrs ago

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    one day A Native American walked into a bar he

    sat down and ordered a beer. After drinking the beer he pulled out a bucket full of crap threw it in the air and shot it with a gun. This goes happens on and off for a while. Finally the bartender asks him why he was doing this and refuses to serve him. The native American said...
    Pangy54321 Pangy54321 18-21, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

    After having great sex she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles something she just loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?" "Because," she replied, "I really miss mine"
    CoolDad59 CoolDad59 51-55, M 1 Response 14 hrs ago

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    A woman killed her partner

    after years of abuse. She was acquitted when it came to light that the only reason she had let him move in was because the landlord wouldn't let her have a cat.
    chanelP chanelP 41-45, F 1 Response 48 mins ago

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    For some time many of us have wondered just

    who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt...
    mzkayz mzkayz 31-35, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    The Golf Ball and the Sand Wedge.

    ...... A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 2 Responses 2 hrs ago

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    An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor

    for a ***** count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a ***** sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    A guy runs into the bar

    and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your best scotch." The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can. "Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink," says the bartender. "Well you'd drink that fast if you had what I had," The man says "Oh my god," the...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    A fellow knocked on my front door

    and told me he's collecting for the local swimming pool .... so I gave him a bucket of water !
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 61 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    My husband said he wanted more space.

    So I locked him outside.
    Mike9272 Mike9272 41-45, M 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    2 cannibals started eating a clown

    and when they were half way through one cannibal looks over to the other and asks, "Does this guy taste funny"?
    H00rah H00rah 41-45, M 1 Response 13 hrs ago

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    Where is the 30th dollar?

    Three friends decided to meet each other at the same restaurant where they use to go during college days few years ago. They went and ordered three cups of coffee. After having their coffee, the waiter brought the bill which was for $30 so they paid $10 each. The person at the...
    hhubby123 hhubby123 41-45, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 20 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 34 Responses May 10, 2011

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    A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

    After having great sex she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles something she just loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?" "Because," she replied, "I really miss mine"
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 9 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    Got arrested at the airport last week.

    Apparently airport security doesn't appreciate it when you yell "shotgun!" before boarding the plane.
    danc3rz danc3rz 31-35, F 6 Responses 1 day ago

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