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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 47,047 People

    After shopping for most of the day,

    a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned. There is...
    undecided1129 undecided1129 18-21, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 20 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 148 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 21 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 53 Responses May 5, 2011

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    I found myself in a pub in Cork

    when a group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think your great drinkers. I bet 5,000 euros that no-one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes." The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving...
    undecided1129 undecided1129 18-21, F 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    George decided to tie the knot with his long

    time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, George and his new wife was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks, "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married I think it's time you...
    coolguy5544 coolguy5544 26-30, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 51-55, F 32 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    what gets easier to pick up,

    The heavier it gets?
    Unsupervised777 Unsupervised777 51-55, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 37 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    Law of equality: The time taken by a wife

    when she says I'll get ready in 5 minutes is exactly equal to the time taken by husband when he says 'I'll call you in 5 minutes! Law of Queue: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. Law of Telephone: When you dial a...
    coolguy5544 coolguy5544 26-30, M 2 days ago

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 68 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    GAS BILL This is a joke!

    You will like this! ... And it is a true story! On Thursday, 24th January 2002 , Derek Guille broadcast this story on his afternoon program on ABC radio. In March 1999 a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, Australia ) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 Response 4 hrs ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 156 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 34 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    Older Men Scam Women often receive warnings

    about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    ????? ??ll ?? ?????..

    . ?? . . A 54 year old woman had a heart attack & was taken 2 the hospital.?? While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up ?"?? God said, "No, you have another 34 years 2 live." ?? Upon recovery, the woman decided 2 stay...
    coolguy5544 coolguy5544 26-30, M 6 Responses 2 days ago

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 36-40 39 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    A woman received a call

    that her daughter was sick. She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her...
    coolguy5544 coolguy5544 26-30, M 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    IRISH SAUSAGES Shamus

    and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.” He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said “Are you...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 6 Responses 2 days ago

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    Best Friend This guy brings his best

    friend home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30 after work. His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to her tirade . . . "My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f*****g mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 16 Responses 2 days ago

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    My wife sent me shopping today.

    She told me to go and buy something that'll make her look sexy. I came back with 2 litres of vodka and a case of Stella!
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 2 days ago

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    Ford is coming out with a car next year called

    the "G-Spot". It was designed by a woman and she states that you clan leave your keys in it because most car thieves are men, they'll never find it anyway.
    thumper15 thumper15 18-21, F 2 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    The Boss who was on the 25th floor of the

    building called up one of his blonde clerk on the ground floor for an important file. Since it was rather urgent the Boss told the clerk it was an emergency and that she should hurry with the file. After more than 30 minutes the blonde appears all tired and panting for breath...
    coolguy5544 coolguy5544 26-30, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small

    congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 34 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 63 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    Two guys from New York City were in heaven

    for about a year. One was a preacher, the other a taxi driver. One day the Lord was making his rounds when the preacher asked Him if He had a minute. "Sure" said the Lord. What's the problem?" "Well" said the former preacher, "I'm not very happy here in heaven" "Why not?" asked...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 days ago

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    A blond decides to go horseback riding with no

    experience. She gets on the horse without any help and the horse springs into action. It gallops at a steady, rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs the horse's mane but can't get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the...
    jax632 jax632 16-17, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all

    night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 days ago

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    A wealthy and powerful Wall Street executive

    left his office one evening and was walking to his Mercedes; he took a short cut through a side street. A panhandler sitting next to his shopping cart said "Spare change sir?" "I have no money with me. Sorry. I really wish I could help" said the executive. He turned to leave...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 days ago

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    An old one. But all-time favourite WHY DO

    COUPLES FIGHT!! ?????? Husband: My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started.... ************************* My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She...
    coolguy5544 coolguy5544 26-30, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

    He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the establishment. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 56 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    There was a man who was in a car accident.

    Because of the accident, he had to have his ears amputated. The insurance company gave him money because of this odd injury,and when he got the money, he decided he was going to start a computer firm. But then the man realized that he had no clue how to run a buisness. He picked...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 days ago

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 48 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    Once upon a time a small boy named Hameed lived

    in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him, "You are driving me crazy Hameed!!!" One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told her honestly that her son is...
    coolguy5544 coolguy5544 26-30, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 50 Responses Mar 10, 2014

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    This biker all dressed in leather goes into a

    bar and orders a drink. While he's sipping his whiskey a young woman sits down next to him and asks "Are you a real biker?" To which he replies..."Well ma'am, I've riding motorcycles for over 20 yrs, spend most my time on a bike with the wind in my face, I've ridden across the...
    thumper15 thumper15 18-21, F 23 hrs ago

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    Did anyone hear about the man

    who got his underwear mixed up with his confectionery? He got is Snickers in a Twix!
    lesmja lesmja 51-55, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Three women and three men are traveling by

    train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket. "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men. "Watch and learn," answers one of the women. They all board the train...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 days ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 116 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 100 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 78 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 58 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    The lady was a southern woman

    who attended church services and taught Sunday School every week. One Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 1 day ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 14 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    Best Aussie Joke Of The Year.

    Sheila,the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Michael. "Michael,Michael " she yelled...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 45 Responses Mar 27, 2013

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 112 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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