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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 44,332 People

    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 48 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 64 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 158 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    A horny husband in a romantic mood,

    goes up to his wife and says, "You look gorgeous when you blush" ;)) His wife, who's a doctor, replies, "When your lovely words touch the bundle branches of the circulation system of my heart, it starts beating........faster and increased output is transmitted to adrenals which...
    Aryg Aryg 36-40, F 4 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    I can't believe what happened to me today.

    I was at a taqueria eating a burrito when a panda bear walks in, eats my burrito, takes another guys tacos and eats them then when we get up to do something about it, his handler tossed him a couple pistols and he shot up the joint. Once he was out of ammunition , he backed out...
    jayciedubb jayciedubb 46-50, M 3 hrs ago

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    A man goes into the hospital

    for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 Response 9 hrs ago

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    A girl realized that she had grown hair between

    her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 19 hrs ago

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    Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs An

    attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her; 'Father, may I ask a favour?' ' 'Of course child. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened; but well over the Customs limits and I'm...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Rocky saw a familiar girl

    that he approached, and asked, “Hey Andria, you want to dance with Rocky?” She said, “Sure Rocky, I’d love to dance with you.” So the two were dancing and Rocky asked, “Hey Andria, you have on a pair of pink panties?” She said, “Why yes Rocky, how did you know...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 22 hrs ago

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    Knock knock. 'Who's there?

    ' Kim. 'Kim who?' I Kim in like a wrecking ball. XD ok, I'm done lol hahah
    xBizzleh xBizzleh 16-17, F 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    Sixth grade science teacher Mrs.

    Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 3 Responses 9 hrs ago

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    the sewing machine a husband said to his wife

    "we never have any sex anymore" the wife agrees and says "tell you what whenever you want it just ask to borrow my sewing machi ne" happy with her reply the husband goes to work. A few hours later he gets home and says "darling could i borrow your sewing machine" the wife...
    CrySweetRaven CrySweetRaven 13-15, F 1 Response 14 hrs ago

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    Paddy, an Irishman is visiting Australia

    for the first time staying in a pub on the edge of the outback. After a couple of days, the barman arranges a mate, Kevin, to take Paddy to the outback to see the real Austraylia. So Kevin and Paddy set off in a 4wd and a few hundred kms into the outback they drive past a bloke...
    passionchef passionchef 41-45, M 22 hrs ago

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 53 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 55 Responses May 5, 2011

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 151 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    A girl to a priest: please explain devil,

    hell and heaven Priest: the thing betweeen both my legs is called a DEVIL, the thing between both ur legs is called hell...capture devil inside hell and youll see heaven
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 21 hrs ago

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    captain of a ship going into Sydney ,

    police board the ship and charge the captain with assault ,captain says ,why what have i done.police reply ,we heard you were steaming into Sydney.
    danielm85948 danielm85948 56-60, M 1 day ago

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    danielm85948 danielm85948 56-60, M 1 day ago

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 33 Responses Aug 24

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    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 19 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    Riddle me this: I am better

    than God, more evil then the devil, the poor people have me, the rich people want me, and if you eat me you'll die, what am I?
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    I have come out of my country looking

    for a job and fortunately i got one after arond 4 days. Presently Iam working in this Company from last 1.7 years. I have been selected as Project Engineer and salary was decided to be 400 RO. after some 2 months my boss has turned compeltly against me. i was new in country and...
    heartless2 heartless2 22-25, M 21 hrs ago

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    A little boy asks his Mum "why am I black

    and you are white ?" "Don't even ask," she replies "when I think back to that party ... you are lucky that you not bark !"
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 9 hrs ago

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 40 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    A woman arrives home from work

    and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner." The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 8 hrs ago

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    A man who had just died is delivered to a local

    mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 Response 2 hrs ago

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 37 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    “A small boy asks his Dad,

    "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane

    when he sees the strangest thing. A young teenage couple is sitting in a car, the guy in the front and the girl in the back. The guy is reading a magazine and the girl appears to be knitting. He stops the patrol car and walks over to knock on the young man's window. He rolls...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    Mr. Wilson comes home one night,

    and his wife throws her arms around his neck. "I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.” The next day, Mrs. Wilson receives a telephone call from...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 Responses 7 hrs ago

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 58 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 66 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 22 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 69 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 32 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 49 Responses Mar 10

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    Mary had a little lamb she thought it

    rather silly she threw it up into the air and cought it by its...Willy was a watchdog sitting on the grass along came a monkey and kicked it up its...ASK no questions tell no lies but i saw a policeman doing up his....FLIES are a neusance bees are worse and that is the end of my...
    CrySweetRaven CrySweetRaven 13-15, F 3 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 34 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 52 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 14 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    Subject: Five Undeniable Facts 1.

    We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes. 2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS. 3. Breaking News...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 63 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 112 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    A young man went into a house of ill repute

    with $20. The Madam told him there was nothing available at the moment. So he started to leave but she stopped him and said for that amount she had something different he might be interested in. She said he could try it with a chicken. He said no way; but she talked him into...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 5 Responses 22 hrs ago

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    Monica is at the dentist.

    Half of her mouth is locked due to anesthesia, the dentist is intensively working. Monica's mobile phone starts ringing. Ignoring it four times, the dentist finally answers the phone pissed: What’s up? What’s up?, - some man asks. Dentist: Who are you? I’m Monica’s...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 9 hrs ago

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