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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 44,530 People

    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 35 Responses May 10, 2011

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    A man goes into the hospital

    for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 37 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 66 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 33 Responses Aug 24

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 55 Responses May 5, 2011

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 53 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    Ben asks his new girlfriend

    for a hand job. "Ive never done that" she says, "what do I do ?" "Well" replies Ben, "remember when you were a kid and you'd shake a coke bottle and spray your brother with it ... that's what you do." She nods, so he pulls his manhood out and she grabs hold of it and starts...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 3 days ago

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    Mr. Wilson comes home one night,

    and his wife throws her arms around his neck. "I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.” The next day, Mrs. Wilson receives a telephone call from...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 158 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    Four old-timers were playing their weekly game

    of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 hrs ago

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 52 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    usscalifornia41 usscalifornia41 22-25, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 112 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    A sexy woman walks up to the counter

    and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager. The Bartender replies, “Sorry, the manager is out. Can I help you?” By this time the woman has run her fingers over his face and in his mouth where the horny...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 7 Responses 23 hrs ago

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    Santa’s a pro, which is

    why kids bypass parents and appeal to him: • “Dear Santa, Please text my dad. He has my whole list.” From The Reader's Digest.
    restored87 restored87 46-50, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    I can't believe what happened to me today.

    I was at a taqueria eating a burrito when a panda bear walks in, eats my burrito, takes another guys tacos and eats them then when we get up to do something about it, his handler tossed him a couple pistols and he shot up the joint. Once he was out of ammunition , he backed out...
    jayciedubb jayciedubb 46-50, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 22 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 20 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    Husband: I found Aladin's lamp today.

    Wife: wow, what did u ask for darling?? Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times.. Wife: oh..jaan..luv u so much.. Did he do that?? Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero. ??????????????????
    Angel763 Angel763 22-25, F 4 Responses 23 hrs ago

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 40 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    A little boy asks his Mum "why am I black

    and you are white ?" "Don't even ask," she replies "when I think back to that party ... you are lucky that you not bark !"
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 3 days ago

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    which is the odd one out intelligent

    man intelligent woman or santa :)
    CrySweetRaven CrySweetRaven 13-15, F 9 Responses 2 days ago

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    Does chocolate orange count

    as 1 of my 5 a day?
    Dazzer2K Dazzer2K 26-30, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 58 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 14 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    During an international gynaecology conference,

    an English doctor, Dr. UK, Steve, and a French doctor, Dr. Myrddin, were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently. "Only last week," Dr. Myrddin said, "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!" "Don't be absurd, "Dr. UK Steve exclaimed, "It couldn't have...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 3 days ago

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    MISSING WIFE A husband went to the sheriff's

    department to report that his wife was missing: Husband: I've lost my wife. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home. Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I really never noticed. Maybe about five feet tall. Sergeant: Build? Husband: Not slim, not really fat...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 11 Responses 2 days ago

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    A woman arrives home from work

    and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner." The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 3 days ago

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    A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the

    shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don?t ever do that again. You...
    alexgabriel alexgabriel 22-25, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    A man who had just died is delivered to a local

    mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 5 Responses 3 days ago

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 54 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 151 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    It was the first day of school,

    and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy, "My name is Bob Fuckhauer." Upset, the teacher said very loudly, "THERE'LL BE NONE OF THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR IN MY...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 hrs ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 115 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    Four people are in an airplane,

    the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager. The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane. The richest...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    An old story from the pages of the Manchester

    Evening Times: Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb and stopped...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Monica is at the dentist.

    Half of her mouth is locked due to anesthesia, the dentist is intensively working. Monica's mobile phone starts ringing. Ignoring it four times, the dentist finally answers the phone pissed: What’s up? What’s up?, - some man asks. Dentist: Who are you? I’m Monica’s...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 3 days ago

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 69 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    Mary had a little lamb she thought it

    rather silly she threw it up into the air and cought it by its...Willy was a watchdog sitting on the grass along came a monkey and kicked it up its...ASK no questions tell no lies but i saw a policeman doing up his....FLIES are a neusance bees are worse and that is the end of my...
    CrySweetRaven CrySweetRaven 13-15, F 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    A couple was having dinner at a fancy

    restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat." Wife: honey.....you say prayer before eating at home. Husband: that's at home sweetheart......here the chef knows how to cook. ?????? ???????????? ??????
    Angel763 Angel763 22-25, F 5 Responses 23 hrs ago

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    A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking

    Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden. The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog. "Yes," the Labrador replies. After recovering from the shock of...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 48 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    Two little boys stole a big bag of orange from

    their neighbour & decided to go to a calm place to share the loot equally, one of them suggested the near by cemetery. As they were jumping the big gate to enter the cemetery, 2 oranges fell out of the bag behind the gate but they didn’t bother to pick them since they had...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 5 Responses 22 hrs ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 49 Responses Mar 10

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    the sewing machine a husband said to his wife

    "we never have any sex anymore" the wife agrees and says "tell you what whenever you want it just ask to borrow my sewing machi ne" happy with her reply the husband goes to work. A few hours later he gets home and says "darling could i borrow your sewing machine" the wife...
    CrySweetRaven CrySweetRaven 13-15, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    When I was at the supermarket,

    ready to check out and pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "***** down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to my government official about this unnecessary security rubbish, I did just as she instructed. After the shrieking and hysteria finally subsided, I found...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 3 Responses 11 hrs ago

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 63 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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