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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 38,937 People

    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 77 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 39 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    A Guy in a hurry used the ladies toilet in a

    posh hotel.. He sat down and noticed four buttons - 🔺 WW, 🔺 WA, 🔺 PP & 🔺 APR... Curious, he pressed 🔺 WW & his butt was gently sprayed with WARM WATER, he loved it so much..!! He then pressed 🔺WA & a blast of WARM AIR, dried him up. Still loving it...
    Aryg Aryg 36-40, F 7 Responses 1 day ago

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    livingfortoday livingfortoday 26-30, M 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    H I J K L M N O 5 letter word From a

    crossword If you think you have the answer, privet message me, don't post a comment
    Toddy2 Toddy2 13-15, M 2 Responses 22 hrs ago

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 47 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    Did you hear about the depressed proctologist?

    He's been feeling down in the dumps. Oliver Cromwell.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    teacher: can you see God?

    student: no teacher: can touch God? student: no teacher: then there isn't a God! (..... student raises their hands) student: sir can you see your brain? teacher: no student; can you touch your brain? teacher: no student: oh okaaaay.... so you don't have a brain?! ps. please...
    littleana littleana 18-21, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    if christophe colomb was married there was no

    America right now! do u know why?? just imagine if he was married and he wanted to go travel! his wife: when do u want to go?? is there any woman with u?? where will u stop to rest?? why do u want to travel?? will u speak with women?? why did u pick ur expensive clothes??do u...
    1golenaz 1golenaz 18-21, F 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 52 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 29 Responses Aug 24

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    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 17 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 13 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    Be the kind of woman ,

    when you wake up devil screams "oh crap,she's awake !!!"
    dawnordusk dawnordusk 31-35, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Your mind needs exercise just

    as much as your body does, that's why I think of jogging everyday.
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 10 Responses 1 day ago

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    I just swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles

    so my next crap might spell disaster. John Kerry
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 2 Responses 7 hrs ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 115 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    So, I was driving down College Road the other

    day. As I went past one of the traffic cameras I saw it flash. Now, I knew I wasn't speeding and laughed that it took my picture. I turned around and drove past it again, almost 10MPH under the speed limit, it flashed at me again. I did this repeatedly and the last time I was at...
    DanCan1 DanCan1 56-60, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    in10RjFox in10RjFox 46-50, M 1 Response 23 hrs ago

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 53 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 53 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    Marriage Two Husband: Sweetheart,

    would you say that I'm the only man you've ever loved?Wife: Of course you are. Why do all men ask me the same silly question?
    restored87 restored87 46-50, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 64 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 34 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    A man who was clearly in his 80's had just

    finished his morning jog and he didn't even appear to be short of breath. The 70 year old who was watching him was amazed at the man's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 80 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every single day. Rye bread helps keep...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 3 Responses 2 hrs ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 51 Responses Mar 10

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    The dentistAn old lady visits the dentist,

    sits on the chair, takes off her panties, & opens her legs wide. Dentist says “im not a gynocologist” She says “i know, i just want you to take my husbands teeth out!”
    halo198 halo198 51-55, M 1 Response 6 hrs ago

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 38 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    when god created man,

    he stared at him and said i really did a good job! then he created woman and stared at her and said oh!she isnt good!but its ok!she will use make up to become attractive!!! :p
    1golenaz 1golenaz 18-21, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    What do you wash, peel,

    eat and throw a way?
    kerridwen kerridwen 41-45, F 6 Responses 3 days ago

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 67 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 157 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 58 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 112 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Dave was staring sadly into his pint

    and sighed heavily. 'What’s up Dave?” asked the bartender…It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.' 'It’s my four year old son…' the man replied. 'Don't tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just The same – forget about it; it...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 day ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 29 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    Wife: "How would you describe me?

    " Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK" Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot" Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding !"
    farsheed farsheed 22-25, M 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 150 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    I'll be posting telepathically the rest of the

    day... so if you think of something funny? That was me.
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 34 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 69 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    After his exam the doctor said to the elderly

    man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty." After...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 16 hrs ago

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    since the time immemorial no woman has ever

    uttered this word.. " i love living with my mother-in-law" LOL XXXD
    littleana littleana 18-21, F 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 96 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    Why did the scarecrow get a raise?

    Because he was outstanding in his field.
    kalypsso kalypsso 22-25, F 2 Responses 1 hr ago

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    A man walks into a bar with a small dog under

    his arm and sits down at the counter, placing the dog on the stool next to him. "I would like to order a drink for myself and a drink for my friend." The bartender says, "Sorry, pal. No dogs allowed." The man says, "But this is a special dog -- he talks!" "Yeah, right," says the...
    LivefortheWeekend LivefortheWeekend 46-50, M 2 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    My husband sent me this.

    I don't agree to it but had a good laugh over it. -----Heated gold is used to make ornaments.Beaten copper for making wires.Diamond has compressed carbon.And heated ,beaten and compressed human being is called husband.
    restored87 restored87 46-50, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 22 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    After 30 years of marriage,

    a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable...
    vector8 vector8 46-50, F 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 22 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 33 Responses May 10, 2011

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