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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 60,747 People

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    arsenicsunrise arsenicsunrise 26-30, F 8 Responses 2 days ago

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    We were dressed and ready to go out

    for a dinner and theatre evening. We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 49 Responses Mar 10, 2014

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    Why did the math book look

    so sad? Because it had so many problems. Decimals have a point. Why do plants hate math? Because it gives them square roots.http://www.kidsmathgamesonline.com/funstuff/mathjokes.html
    whitesunshine87 whitesunshine87 51-55, F 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    A man went to a ***** club.

    When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat. As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "YEAH BABY! THAT IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR!" The man in the front row...
    openbook15 openbook15 26-30, M 2 Responses 15 hrs ago

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 149 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    Half of the time I tell a joke- the joke is me

    because I make no sense ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ‘Œ๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜Ž
    Jaazz1987 Jaazz1987 16-17 3 Responses 4 days ago

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    Harry the Eagle waited at the nest

    for Mary, his darling of ten glorious years. When she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead! Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle,

    they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.' The owner comes over and asks if he can help them... 'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 2 Responses 5 hrs ago

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    A woman was driving down the highway about 75

    miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked back again, there were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles an hour. The next time she looked around, there were three cops...
    openbook15 openbook15 26-30, M 15 hrs ago

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    A priest was called away

    for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit...
    openbook15 openbook15 26-30, M 8 Responses 4 days ago

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 22-25, F 33 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 60 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 17 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    After eight days of backpacking with my wife,

    we were looking pretty scruffy. One morningshe came to breakfast in a baseball cap, hershoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles. "Darling," she said, "does my hair make melook like a water buffalo?" I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell youthe truth, do you promise...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    Did you hear about the chameleon

    who couldn't change colors? He had a reptile dysfunction. What did the black man say to his wife when he got home from work? He said "Hi honey. I am home from work. How are you?" If you thought this was a racist joke then the joke is on you.
    theguywiththeredhair theguywiththeredhair 18-21, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    I like cooking with wine.

    Sometimes I add it to the food too.
    Golondrinas Golondrinas 51-55, M 6 days ago

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    Him: am a politician,

    and i am honest Her: am a prostitute, and i am virgin
    Randomstalker Randomstalker 31-35, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car

    accident and went into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby. The doctor replied, "You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. However they were poorly at birth and had...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 57 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    A newlywed couple just moved into their new

    house. One day, the wife asked her husband, โ€œHoney, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?โ€ The husband looked at his wife and said, โ€œWhat do I look like โ€” Mr. Plumber?โ€ A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. โ€œHoney, the car wonโ€™t...
    Blanche08 Blanche08 31-35, F 17 Responses Jan 19

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 51-55, F 28 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 114 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    Rules for Bedroom Golf 1.

    Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls. 2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole. 3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out. 4. For most effective...
    openbook15 openbook15 26-30, M 3 days ago

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 22-25, F 37 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    A skin have I, more eyes

    than one. I can be very nice when I am done. What am I
    Arlys Arlys 51-55, M 4 Responses 4 days ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 56 Responses May 5, 2011

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 155 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    this is website is full of jokes love it

    http://unlimitedshortjokes.weebly.com/
    Kyle178 Kyle178 22-25, M 6 days ago

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    Life is like a box of chocolates,

    it won't last long if you're fat
    Dazzer2K Dazzer2K 26-30, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 66 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    Very Simple. Very easy.

    Very simple. Very Easy. "Timmy cannot tie his own shoelaces, but he can tie Joe's" What can't you picture?
    ONESTARRYSTARRYNIGHT ONESTARRYSTARRYNIGHT 26-30, F 38 mins ago

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 33 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 36-40 38 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks,

    still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 3 Responses 6 days ago

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    HERE, HAVE A JOKE IN SPANISH: "-sabe ingles?

    -si -como se dice "un zapato" en ingles -a shoe -salud -gracias"
    Zbeara Zbeara 22-25, M 4 Responses 6 days ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 18-21, F 20 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 51 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again,

    asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. โ€œLike sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?โ€ I asked. Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me", she said and...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 Responses 4 days ago

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 51 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    One day a man decided to retire.

    He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 Responses 5 days ago

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 101 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    tifalufairah tifalufairah 13-15, F 5 days ago

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 63 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Never make a woman cry.

    ..There is nothing more expensive than a female tear...When a single drop of tear comes out, it first mixes with "Loreal" eye liner (Rs.650)& Dior mascara (Rs.2500)...Then when it rolls down the cheek, it mixes with D&G blusher (Rs.2500)...& finally when it touches the lips, it...
    om2013 om2013 22-25, M 5 Responses 5 days ago