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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 43,098 People

    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 68 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    How To Stop Church Gossip Mildred,

    the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 21 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    Let's get the Christmas Season started by being

    Jolly! Q: What do you get when combining a Christmas tree and an iPad? A: A pineapple. (of course) Q: How much did Santa's Sleigh cost? A: Nothing. It was on the house. Q: Why is Santa so jolly? A: Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
    Xlandria61 Xlandria61 61-65, F 1 Response 15 hrs ago

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 150 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    Before you criticise someone,

    walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.
    witsend99 witsend99 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    antoneli antoneli 18-21, M 19 hrs ago

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    A man wants to get married

    and has to pick from three women. He give each $5,000. Three months later he asks what they did with it. The first one says, she spent it on luxuries. The second one says she saved it for him and gives it back to him. The third says she invested it wisely and made &45,000 and...
    barzins barzins 46-50, M 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    mzkayz mzkayz 31-35, F 2 Responses 15 hrs ago

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    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 18 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    What's the difference between a Northern zoo

    and a Southern zoo? The Southern zoo has a description of the animal AND a recipe to go with it. X-D
    BlackEyedBean BlackEyedBean 41-45, F 1 Response 19 hrs ago

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    How many Americans does it take to change a

    light bulb ? None ! Americans don't change light bulbs. They let underpaid Mexicans do the job,
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    I came home from work early one night to find

    my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?" My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well." As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a...
    linda linda 21-25, F 4 Responses 12 hrs ago

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    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 1 day ago

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    WIFE : You have known me since

    before we got married. What changes do you see in me ? HUBBY : Before we were married you were a " Chick" Wife : And now ? Hubby : Chic chic, chic chic, chic chic ....... ??????????????
    Angel763 Angel763 22-25, F 3 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    My daughter told me this one: How many

    psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has to REALLY want to change. ;)~
    Babydoll42 Babydoll42 41-45, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 37 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 48 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    A young businessman had just started his own

    firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 156 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 112 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 40 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 51 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 30 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    Newton's law for cell phones: The longer you

    stare at phone before picking the call... The Bigger the lie you tell after picking it up..????
    Angel763 Angel763 22-25, F 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Q. What do you call a polar bear with ear muffs?

    A. Anything you want, he can’t hear you!
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 34 Responses May 10, 2011

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 100 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    It was typical Bank Holiday weather,

    blowing a gale and ******* it down. I was struggling to put up the tent. And to top it all off, I've had two kids crying and screaming for their mummy. Sometimes I hate working for the Police Scientific Support Unit.
    mzkayz mzkayz 31-35, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 50 Responses Mar 10

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    Ms Vickie and Lady Louisiana are outside their

    nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Ms Vickie pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Arlene: What in the hell is that? Ms Vickie: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did...
    DanCan1 DanCan1 56-60, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 54 Responses May 5, 2011

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    Beautiful Lines :- __________________

    __________________ __________________ __________________ __________________ __________________ ___________________ Next Time I Will Send Beautiful Circles
    Angel763 Angel763 22-25, F 3 Responses 23 hrs ago

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    RHYMING RIDDLES ARE THE BEST An asp in the

    grass is a snake, but a grasp in the *** is a goose. DIRT ROAD Some advice for guys: When the red river's flowin', take the dirt road. BANK ROBBERS Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes. One robber opens a box and finds cups full of...
    mother1983 mother1983 26-30, F 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 14 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    My wife gave birth to our beautiful baby son

    last week and I feel like the proudest father alive. I've just got one question though: At what age do they stop being black?
    linda linda 21-25, F 1 Response 12 hrs ago

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    here's a joke what does miley Cyrus have

    for Christmas dinner ............ twerky ....... lol :D
    Alisha5751 Alisha5751 16-17 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 61 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 31 Responses Aug 24

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    married at 22 years old,

    to a lady who gave me 2 girls and a bout youngest is 21 my son & 2 girls 26 yo. girl, and 28 yr. old girl. Divorced 12 years later, still friends to my x-wife. She, remarried and still w/ him. Lost oldest daughter to stomach problems. i still have a som w/ a grandaughter 4...
    notsosmartgenius notsosmartgenius 46-50, M 30 seconds ago

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    A wise person once said.

    1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes. 2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS...
    AgingGracefully AgingGracefully 51-55, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    THE PARROT A young man named John received a

    parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 7 Responses 2 days ago

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    A frog goes into a bank

    and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog indisbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 Responses 23 hrs ago

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    A guy walking and he saw his friend

    who was very angry and ask him what happen and he replies sadly ," I went to a fortune teller to ask if I will get any girlfriend soon and they stupid relies me "no" but I will save lots of money and will be happy for long time
    Johnnystha Johnnystha 26-30, M 2 Responses 11 hrs ago

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    “It's just too hot to wear clothes today,

    ” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?” “Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.
    orgasmic27 orgasmic27 26-30, M 7 Responses 1 day ago

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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