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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 44,383 People

    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    I have come out of my country looking

    for a job and fortunately i got one after arond 4 days. Presently Iam working in this Company from last 1.7 years. I have been selected as Project Engineer and salary was decided to be 400 RO. after some 2 months my boss has turned compeltly against me. i was new in country and...
    heartless2 heartless2 22-25, M 1 day ago

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 53 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    A woman arrives home from work

    and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner." The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 day ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    A young man went into a house of ill repute

    with $20. The Madam told him there was nothing available at the moment. So he started to leave but she stopped him and said for that amount she had something different he might be interested in. She said he could try it with a chicken. He said no way; but she talked him into...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    Riddle me this: I am better

    than God, more evil then the devil, the poor people have me, the rich people want me, and if you eat me you'll die, what am I?
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 69 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    A man goes into the hospital

    for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to take all of his clothes off. When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Tyler was excited about his first day at school.

    So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So, Tyler raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Tyler to be quick. Five minutes later Tyler...
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 4 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    A horny husband in a romantic mood,

    goes up to his wife and says, "You look gorgeous when you blush" ;)) His wife, who's a doctor, replies, "When your lovely words touch the bundle branches of the circulation system of my heart, it starts beating........faster and increased output is transmitted to adrenals which...
    Aryg Aryg 36-40, F 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 22 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 58 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 100 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    MISSING WIFE A husband went to the sheriff's

    department to report that his wife was missing: Husband: I've lost my wife. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home. Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I really never noticed. Maybe about five feet tall. Sergeant: Build? Husband: Not slim, not really fat...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 8 Responses 9 hrs ago

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    Rocky saw a familiar girl

    that he approached, and asked, “Hey Andria, you want to dance with Rocky?” She said, “Sure Rocky, I’d love to dance with you.” So the two were dancing and Rocky asked, “Hey Andria, you have on a pair of pink panties?” She said, “Why yes Rocky, how did you know...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 day ago

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 37 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    Ben asks his new girlfriend

    for a hand job. "Ive never done that" she says, "what do I do ?" "Well" replies Ben, "remember when you were a kid and you'd shake a coke bottle and spray your brother with it ... that's what you do." She nods, so he pulls his manhood out and she grabs hold of it and starts...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 day ago

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    A girl realized that she had grown hair between

    her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    I can't believe what happened to me today.

    I was at a taqueria eating a burrito when a panda bear walks in, eats my burrito, takes another guys tacos and eats them then when we get up to do something about it, his handler tossed him a couple pistols and he shot up the joint. Once he was out of ammunition , he backed out...
    jayciedubb jayciedubb 46-50, M 22 hrs ago

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    During an international gynaecology conference,

    an English doctor, Dr. UK, Steve, and a French doctor, Dr. Myrddin, were discussing unusual cases they had treated recently. "Only last week," Dr. Myrddin said, "a woman came to see me with a clitoris like a melon!" "Don't be absurd, "Dr. UK Steve exclaimed, "It couldn't have...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 day ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 151 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 49 Responses Mar 10

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    Paddy, an Irishman is visiting Australia

    for the first time staying in a pub on the edge of the outback. After a couple of days, the barman arranges a mate, Kevin, to take Paddy to the outback to see the real Austraylia. So Kevin and Paddy set off in a 4wd and a few hundred kms into the outback they drive past a bloke...
    passionchef passionchef 41-45, M 1 day ago

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    A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane

    when he sees the strangest thing. A young teenage couple is sitting in a car, the guy in the front and the girl in the back. The guy is reading a magazine and the girl appears to be knitting. He stops the patrol car and walks over to knock on the young man's window. He rolls...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs An

    attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her; 'Father, may I ask a favour?' ' 'Of course child. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened; but well over the Customs limits and I'm...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Mr. Wilson comes home one night,

    and his wife throws her arms around his neck. "I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.” The next day, Mrs. Wilson receives a telephone call from...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 40 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 32 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    Monica is at the dentist.

    Half of her mouth is locked due to anesthesia, the dentist is intensively working. Monica's mobile phone starts ringing. Ignoring it four times, the dentist finally answers the phone pissed: What’s up? What’s up?, - some man asks. Dentist: Who are you? I’m Monica’s...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 day ago

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    Sixth grade science teacher Mrs.

    Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    A man who had just died is delivered to a local

    mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 Responses 22 hrs ago

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    Subject: Five Undeniable Facts 1.

    We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes. 2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS. 3. Breaking News...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    A girl to a priest: please explain devil,

    hell and heaven Priest: the thing betweeen both my legs is called a DEVIL, the thing between both ur legs is called hell...capture devil inside hell and youll see heaven
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 day ago

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    the sewing machine a husband said to his wife

    "we never have any sex anymore" the wife agrees and says "tell you what whenever you want it just ask to borrow my sewing machi ne" happy with her reply the husband goes to work. A few hours later he gets home and says "darling could i borrow your sewing machine" the wife...
    CrySweetRaven CrySweetRaven 13-15, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    a family sat down at the table

    for dinner. the son looked up at his dad and asked "dad how many types of boobs are there" the father looked surprised and said "well my boy a woman goes through 3 stages in her life when shes young her boobs are like melons round and firm when shes middle aged they are like...
    CrySweetRaven CrySweetRaven 13-15, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    which is the odd one out intelligent

    man intelligent woman or santa :)
    CrySweetRaven CrySweetRaven 13-15, F 8 Responses 4 hrs ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 52 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 115 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 112 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 64 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 14 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 35 Responses May 10, 2011

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 48 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 33 Responses Aug 24

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    Little Billy came home from school to see the

    families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    A little boy asks his Mum "why am I black

    and you are white ?" "Don't even ask," she replies "when I think back to that party ... you are lucky that you not bark !"
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 day ago

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