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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 57,109 People

    It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs

    because they always take things literally.
    Adamsofeve Adamsofeve 26-30, M 4 days ago

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 47 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    My neighbor recently spent $2,

    500 on a young Black Angus bull. He put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. The neighbor was beginning to suspect the bull was gay, if that's possible with a bull. Anyhow, he had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 Response 21 hrs ago

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 149 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 33 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    Ever since my dad told me one of his dad jokes,

    I loved hearing and telling jokes and riddles. Thanks, dad
    aprisonerofazkaban aprisonerofazkaban 22-25, F 3 days ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 51-55, F 30 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the

    control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 35 Responses May 10, 2011

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 36 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196

    of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
    Adamsofeve Adamsofeve 26-30, M 7 Responses 4 days ago

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 101 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

    She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." I said, "If I did all that, I'd be talking to your Girlfriends over there instead of you."
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 8 Responses 2 days ago

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    Ahaha this is one my friend

    and I came up with one day while watching tv, & eating craft dinner. Lmao it's racist, don't take it seriously. Why don't black people go on cruises? B/c they're not falling for that again (in a cop car.)
    Jackway Jackway 18-21, M 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 17 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 61 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    This one I find as oh

    so funny, but one you need to read to the end. As a Piper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 5 Responses 4 days ago

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 36-40 38 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming

    pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Did you hear about the religious believer

    that went down to Mexico and broke the law and was put in jail? He finally realized it just wasn't a good thing getting Jesus into you.
    KSPerson KSPerson 46-50, M 4 days ago

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 68 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Hahahahahaahhaha Check this out.

    Its very interesting and Educative. If: A B C D E F G H I J K LM N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is equal to; 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K ; 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98% K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E ; 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96% L+O+V+E...
    Rosalindaag Rosalindaag 18-21, F 19 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    Following is an actual question given on a

    University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 56 Responses May 5, 2011

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    cletismuffee cletismuffee 66-70, M 1 day ago

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    An Illegal Immigrant picks up a hooker.

    "Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks. "$100," she replies. In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?" "No," she says. "I pay you $200 to do immigrant style." "No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is. "I pay you $300." "No," she says...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 5 Responses 5 days ago

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    A wife asks her husband,

    "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had avocados." If you're a woman, I'm...
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    A child to his teacher.

    . Excuse me miss but can a little girl give birth to babies?? Teacher after thinking a bit, Nope!! The child looking at a girl in his class, See? And you were worried for no reason. O.o
    imawarrior7 imawarrior7 18-21, M 20 mins ago

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 22-25, F 33 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 155 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 52 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from

    the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?" 'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?' 'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 7 Responses 1 day ago

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    Q: How do you make sure you always remember

    your wife’s birthday? A: Forget it once.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response 14 hrs ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 115 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 18-21, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 51 Responses Mar 10, 2014

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    A police officer pulls over an elderly female

    for speeding while driving her husband to a doctor’s appointment. The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding. She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding." The...
    ccrider63 ccrider63 61-65, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 56 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Best Aussie Joke Of The Year.

    Sheila,the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Michael. "Michael,Michael " she yelled...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 45 Responses Mar 27, 2013

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    THE FRIDGE! I got home from work

    and found the missus had left a post-it note on the fridge saying "It's no good, it's not working, I'm staying at mums for a while" I opened it, the light came on, the beer was well chilled. Who knows what she was on about?
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    Skinny Dipping An elderly man in Florida had

    owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 1 Response 4 days ago

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 61 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    A man was walking down the street

    when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of Pounds for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted a ten Pound note and asked, "If I give you this money,will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner...
    OldPrepper OldPrepper 70+, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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