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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 51,958 People

    "Yes brother," says Paddy.

    "Well I'm going on a business trip soon and if she gives birth while I'm away, I want you dear brother, to name the kids," says Mick. "It'll be an honour to do that for you Mick," says Paddy. A month later Paddy calls Mick. "Hello Mick, your wife's given birth to a boy and a...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 18 hrs ago

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    A couple placed an ad: "Have 4 sons,

    need advice on how to get a daughter." Responses: American: "Keep trying!" Briton: "Change Doctor!" Aussie: "Follow a special diet." Indian: "Practice yoga!" Pinoy: "Let me try!"
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 18 hrs ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 54 Responses May 5, 2011

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 53 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 60 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    Best Aussie Joke Of The Year.

    Sheila,the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Michael. "Michael,Michael " she yelled...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 45 Responses Mar 27, 2013

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 34 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    Kid threw the butter out the window,

    he wanted to see a butterfly.
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 Response 18 hrs ago

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    Why is it nice being a baby?

    It’s a nappy time.
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 11 hrs ago

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    Are You Really Sure? A blind guy on a bar

    stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something." Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 hr ago

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    what always bites off more

    than it can chew?
    Redmoon383 Redmoon383 16-17, M 1 Response 8 hrs ago

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 21 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    My favorite se,,,xual position is called "The

    Osama"... its where I burst into your room and blow a load on your face.
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 hr ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 18-21, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    Father: Which one do you love more ,

    me or Mommy? Son: I love you both. Father: Very Well , lets say I went to Japan and Mommy went to France which country will you go to? Son: Japan. Father: See, that you love Mommy more than me? Son: No, I just want to visit Japan. Father: Very well , lets say I went to Japan and...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 18 hrs ago

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 52 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    An elderly widow and widower were dating

    for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 hr ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 51 Responses Mar 10, 2014

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    The First Parent by Bill Cosby Whenever

    your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?", Adam replied. "Don't eat...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 hr ago

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    Teacher asks student: What is the half of 8?

    Student: Miss horizontally or vertically? Teacher: What do mean? Student: Horizontally it is 0 and vertically it is 3.
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 2 Responses 10 hrs ago

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    The Clintons were in the front row at a Yankees

    game, surrounded by secret service people. Just before the game started, one of them leaned forward and whispered in Bill's ear. Bill grabbed Hillary by the scruff of the neck and pushed her over the railing, she fell 10 feet onto the dugout roof, screaming obscenities. The SS...
    Indiemind Indiemind 56-60, M 2 Responses 5 hrs ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 18-21, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Knock Knock! Who's there?

    Justin Justin who? Justin time for dinner!
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 3 Responses 17 hrs ago

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Three men were talking about their teenage

    daughters: The first says "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and found a packet of cigarettes. I didn't even know she smoked". The second says "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka. I was...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 2 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    A little boy was so exited

    because his mom told him he is getting a baby brother. He repeated that to his techer every day, when he came to school, "Im getting a brother." One day his mom alllowed him to feel the baby's kicks in her belly. The next day he came to school and didnt say anything to his...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 2 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    A little boy got lost at the YMCA

    and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 18 hrs ago

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 62 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 149 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 157 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    "Hi, honey. This is Daddy.

    Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you don't have an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now." Brief pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what...
    ccrider63 ccrider63 61-65, M 3 Responses 6 hrs ago

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    WOMEN #4 WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove

    down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 5 Responses 12 hrs ago

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    Son: Dad, it's so cold in here!

    Father: Go stand in the corner. Son: Why? Father: The corner is 90 degrees.
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 Response 11 hrs ago

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 36-40 39 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    A woman has twins and gives them up

    for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal’. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him ‘Juan’. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 3 Responses 17 hrs ago

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 66 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 54 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 35 Responses May 10, 2011

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 51-55, F 32 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    The Evolution of Mom Yes,

    parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first: Your Clothes - 1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 hr ago

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    A kid asks his father: Kid: Daddy

    why do i have to go to bed? Dad: Because the bed wont come to you.
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 18 hrs ago

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    A nun with big boobs boarded a bus

    and sat near a dude. The dude kept looking at the nun's boobs. The nun realized this. She held her rosary and asked, "Are you looking at Jesus on the cross?" The man said "No, I'm looking at the 2 thieves beside him."
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 hr ago

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    My Mother taught me LOGIC.

    .."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me." My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way." My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 hr ago

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    ‘Is your baby a boy

    or a girl?’ ‘Of course. What else could it be?’