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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 40,582 People

    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 35 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 30 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    While my parents were making their funeral

    arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them. Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 53 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    Two Blondes With Hammers.

    .. Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail Pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are...
    LockieLeonard LockieLeonard 46-50, M 3 Responses 17 hrs ago

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    Love2014nb Love2014nb 51-55, F 1 day ago

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    An elderly man visits the doctor

    for a checkup. "Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape," says the doctor afterward. "How do you do it?" "Well," says Mr. Smith, "I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 51 Responses Mar 10

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    Well ... Ice creAm for midnight snacks.

    .. Sounds creepy ... 😂😂😂 perfect for halloween ..LoL
    debonne22 debonne22 22-25, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 32 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    An extremely modest man was in the hospital

    for a series of tests, which left his stomach feeling upset several false alarms to the bathroom, he decided his stomach rumbling again is just another so he decides to stay put in bed. He suddenly filled his bed with poo In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed...
    runoki runoki 22-25, F 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    A blonde hurried into the emergency room late

    one night with the tip Of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency Room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting Off your finger?' 'No, Silly' the...
    LockieLeonard LockieLeonard 46-50, M 2 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    If its info you seek come

    and see me, if it's pairs of letter's you need I am consecutively three..... What am I ?
    Titaniumlove Titaniumlove 41-45, F 8 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    Oscar Pistorious woke up this morning

    and found that a burglar really was using his toilet !!
    righthanded righthanded 56-60, M 3 Responses 2 hrs ago

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 50 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 19 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    When a woman called 911 complaining of

    difficulty breathing, my husband, Glenn, and his partner—both EMTs—rushed to her home. Glenn placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen. Then he began to gather her information. "What’s your age?" he asked. "Fifty-eight," answered the patient...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 2 Responses 20 hrs ago

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    I really disliked art class in school,

    mostly because I was so bad at drawing. One time for an assignment I turned in a blank white page as my picture. When Ms. Nelson asked me what it was a picture of, I replied; "It is a picture of a cow eating grass" Mrs. N.; "I don't see any grass" Me; "The cow ate all of it...
    GJOFJ3 GJOFJ3 56-60, M 4 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 31 Responses Aug 24

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    A guy goes in to talk with his Rabbi He says;

    “Rabbi I don’t know what to do, I think my wife is trying to poison me!” The Rabbi says; “Don’t worry I will have a talk with her and get this resolved.” The Rabbi sees the guy two days later;;;;;and says; “I talk to your wife for 3 hours the other day all I can...
    aradia11 aradia11 51-55, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Her class assignment was to interview an "old

    person" about his life, so my niece asked me, "What was the biggest historical event that happened during your childhood?" "I’d have to say the moonwalk," I replied. She looked disappointed. "That dance was so important to you?"
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 3 Responses 20 hrs ago

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 81 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer

    and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night ! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now...
    Love2014nb Love2014nb 51-55, F 4 Responses 6 hrs ago

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    A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to

    send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned,the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity.""Oh, my," said the father, "What have I done...
    perseverer perseverer 51-55, F 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    expansionlink expansionlink 56-60, M 9 mins ago

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    3 drunk guys enterd a taxi.

    The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Husband takes the wife to her high school

    reunion. After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back...
    DanCan1 DanCan1 56-60, M 3 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    A KIWI BLOKE WAS ON EARTH DOING THE HAKA

    DANCE Meanwhile somewhere in space Aliens were watching this unusual dance. KAMATE KAMATE KA-ORA KA-ORA...... The Aliens were very interested in what must be going through his mind right at this moment and they wanted to see what would happen if they would take a part of his...
    LockieLeonard LockieLeonard 46-50, M 1 Response 17 hrs ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 156 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    One of my fourth graders asked my teacher’s

    assistant, "How old are you, Mrs. Glass?" "You should never ask an adult’s age," I broke in. "That’s okay," Harriett said smiling. "I’m fifty." "Wow, you don’t look that old," the boy said. I was breathing a sigh of relief when another child chimed in, "Parts of her...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 2 Responses 20 hrs ago

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    A skeleton walks into a bar

    and orders a beer and a mop....
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 5 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 48 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 13 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    Farmer Brown goes out one day

    and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chickens. The cocky young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says: "OK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says: "You can't handle all these chickens, look what it did to me!" The young rooster replies: "Now don't give...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 6 Responses 2 days ago

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    The children had all been photographed,

    and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture: Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back...
    LockieLeonard LockieLeonard 46-50, M 18 hrs ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 53 Responses May 5, 2011

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 39 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans

    with a box of frozen crabs and asked the flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner...
    DanCan1 DanCan1 56-60, M 8 Responses 1 day ago

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 35 Responses May 10, 2011

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 152 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 63 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    A father watched his young daughter playing in

    the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 Response 10 hrs ago

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 66 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    A Kindergarten teacher was observing her

    classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But...
    LockieLeonard LockieLeonard 46-50, M 1 Response 18 hrs ago

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 58 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 116 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    My friend Christine and her mother,

    keep making up terrible jokes about flowers. I’m getting really fed up of Chris and her mum. ...or maybe this is better, because it's multi-layered: "My friend Christine and her mother, keep making cheap jokes about flowers at my expense. I’m really getting fed up of...
    RicRaver RicRaver 41-45, M 2 Responses 1 hr ago

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 100 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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