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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 59,175 People

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    A guy enters a bank to see about getting a

    business loan. "What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager. "I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach." "I don't think we can give you a loan." he replied. So the guy left. A few months later he...
    ccrider63 ccrider63 61-65, M 2 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    A bus stops and two Italian men get on.

    They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two ***** come together. I come once-a-more. Two...
    Teamouse Teamouse 26-30, F 6 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    Ever since I was a child,

    I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night, so I went to my shrink and told him: 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.' 'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    I have a riddle: I'm light

    as a feather but not the strongest man van lift me. Good Luck! :-) lol
    Tweakz Tweakz 26-30, F 2 Responses 15 hrs ago

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    The Mexican maid asked

    for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?" Maria: "Well, see, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaz." "The first is that I iron better than ju." Wife: "Who said...
    ccrider63 ccrider63 61-65, M 19 hrs ago

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    Male servant- Jack in the house use to drink

    Whiskey from his house owner - John's Bar and refill it with some water always. John soon realized the cheat Jack was doing. Once while John n his wife were seating in the Living room. While Jack was busy making some food in kitchen, John shouted from Living room "Jack are...
    wintersecret wintersecret 31-35, M 3 days ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 155 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 51 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 102 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    How many state employees does it take to change

    a light bulb? Four. One to actually change the bulb One to make sure the ladder is being used correctly. One to read the instructions on how to change the bulb. And one union rep to make sure the bulb changing crew takes their breaks and is not over worked.
    oldjack5 oldjack5 66-70, M 14 hrs ago

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    Hung Chow calls in to work

    and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better...
    fetish27 fetish27 46-50, F 9 Responses 3 days ago

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    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 20 hrs ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 115 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    Q. Why does a seagull fly over the sea?

    A. Because if it flew over the bay it would be called a bagel.
    bethsmiles bethsmiles 22-25, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Best Aussie Joke Of The Year.

    Sheila,the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Michael. "Michael,Michael " she yelled...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 45 Responses Mar 27, 2013

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 36-40 38 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 21 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 47 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 35 Responses May 10, 2011

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    How many country singers does it take to change

    a lightbulb? Two. One to do it, and one to sing a song about all the good times he had with the old bulb. 2. What do you get when you play country music backwards? You get back your wife, your dog, and your truck
    bethsmiles bethsmiles 22-25, F 2 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    RIDDLE: A motion to kill a pest Taking away

    the first hiss Plus a way, in third person, To indicate a miss Makes something that is, in life, A very big deal That is constantly consumed, Yet cannot be a meal. What is it?
    CuteWeirdness CuteWeirdness 13-15, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus

    through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 3 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    Hahahahahaahhaha Check this out.

    Its very interesting and Educative. If: A B C D E F G H I J K LM N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is equal to; 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K ; 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98% K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E ; 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96% L+O+V+E...
    Rosalindaag Rosalindaag 18-21, F 19 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 49 Responses Mar 10, 2014

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 51-55, F 28 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 149 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    Tweakz Tweakz 26-30, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    First year students at Medical School were

    receiving Their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine,it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The...
    fetish27 fetish27 46-50, F 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    Q: Why don't the Amish water ski?

    A: Because the horses would drown.
    bethsmiles bethsmiles 22-25, F 2 days ago

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    One night, as a couple lays down

    for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh..' The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    So the Police ordered me to get out of the car.

    . "You're staggering", said the officer. "You're not a bad looking fvcker yourself!", I replied.
    JosephinaBallerina JosephinaBallerina 31-35, F 10 Responses 3 days ago

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    A man and a woman started to have sex in the

    middle of a dark forest. After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight." The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes .."
    Teamouse Teamouse 26-30, F 4 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 67 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Ten things not to tell your girlfriend .

    . 10. Come on, who's gonna find out? 9. I promise you wont choke. 8. Your mother's a hottie. 7. Trust me, I'm a professional. 6. Well, your sister likes it like that. 5. Wow look at the *** on her! 4. Now why cant your boobs be that big? 3. I gotta poop. 2. Oh you forgot to...
    Teamouse Teamouse 26-30, F 1 Response 12 hrs ago

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 80 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    Math Irrationality: Hundreds of years passed.

    ..... Millions of theorems derived......... Thuosands of formulaes made..... But still....... "x" is an unknown value...... :p and "xxx" is well known! ;P
    Aryg Aryg 36-40, F 4 Responses 3 days ago

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 67 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    9 out of 10 husband agree

    that their wives are always right. The 10th one mysteriously disappeared and hasn't been heard from since.
    DeathThrone DeathThrone 22-25, F 3 Responses 4 days ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 56 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    A woman awakes in the middle of the night to

    find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his...
    ccrider63 ccrider63 61-65, M 2 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 61 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    The third grade teacher was reading a book to

    her class where a character got "totally freaked out" by something. She stopped reading and told the class, "Let's talk about being freaked out! When I call your name, come to the blackboard and draw something that freaks you out. Kevin?" Little Kevin came to the board and drew...
    ScooterDawg ScooterDawg 41-45, M 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 18-21, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 59 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    Woman's Magazines Page 5: Accept yourself

    as you are Page 6: How to loose 4kg In 1 week Page 7: Best cake recipe
    Johnnystha Johnnystha 26-30, M 1 Response 4 days ago

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