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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 57,243 People

    The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the

    control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 Responses 5 days ago

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    Two Neighbors John and Raff were talking to

    each other Raff - We always hear loud laughter voices from your house. Whats the reason for such wonderful family time? John - Nthg Bro, My wife throws shoes and other items on me in anger.. If it hits me, She Laughs loud and it don't hit me.. I laugh Louder. Amen our life...
    wintersecret wintersecret 31-35, M 1 Response 6 days ago

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    THE FRIDGE! I got home from work

    and found the missus had left a post-it note on the fridge saying "It's no good, it's not working, I'm staying at mums for a while" I opened it, the light came on, the beer was well chilled. Who knows what she was on about?
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 2 Responses 6 days ago

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    Q: How do you make sure you always remember

    your wife’s birthday? A: Forget it once.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    States that are legalizing

    both marijuana and gay marriage are simply following guidance provided for in the scriptures...Leviticus 20:13 states that a man whom lays with another man should be stoned.
    Bumblelion Bumblelion 31-35, M 2 Responses 9 hrs ago

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    It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs

    because they always take things literally.
    Adamsofeve Adamsofeve 26-30, M 6 days ago

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 61 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    I understand how batteries feel,

    because I'm rarely included in things either
    ella1243 ella1243 13-15, F 1 Response 3 hrs ago

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    Off he goes to university,

    but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money. He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing? They actually have a program here that will teach our dog how to talk.' 'That's amazing,' his dad says. 'How...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    A police officer pulls over an elderly female

    for speeding while driving her husband to a doctor’s appointment. The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding. She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding." The...
    ccrider63 ccrider63 61-65, M 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year

    old rancher whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his role as our president.The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle'' .Not being...
    OldPrepper OldPrepper 70+, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Following is an actual question given on a

    University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 3 Responses 4 days ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 22-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 68 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 51 Responses Mar 10, 2014

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 18-21, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 17 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    Best Aussie Joke Of The Year.

    Sheila,the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Michael. "Michael,Michael " she yelled...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 45 Responses Mar 27, 2013

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 22-25, F 34 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 61 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 56 Responses May 5, 2011

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 101 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming

    pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 1 Response 4 days ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 51-55, F 30 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 22-25, F 33 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    A man was walking down the street

    when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of Pounds for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted a ten Pound note and asked, "If I give you this money,will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner...
    OldPrepper OldPrepper 70+, M 4 Responses 5 days ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 56 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    cletismuffee cletismuffee 66-70, M 4 days ago

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    A wife asks her husband,

    "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had avocados." If you're a woman, I'm...
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 3 Responses 4 days ago

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    My neighbor recently spent $2,

    500 on a young Black Angus bull. He put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. The neighbor was beginning to suspect the bull was gay, if that's possible with a bull. Anyhow, he had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 52 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 155 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 36 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

    She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." I said, "If I did all that, I'd be talking to your Girlfriends over there instead of you."
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 8 Responses 4 days ago

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 33 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 149 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    Ever since my dad told me one of his dad jokes,

    I loved hearing and telling jokes and riddles. Thanks, dad
    aprisonerofazkaban aprisonerofazkaban 22-25, F 6 days ago

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    Hahahahahaahhaha Check this out.

    Its very interesting and Educative. If: A B C D E F G H I J K LM N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is equal to; 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K ; 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98% K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E ; 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96% L+O+V+E...
    Rosalindaag Rosalindaag 18-21, F 19 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    I was telling a girl in the pub about my

    ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. "Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said. "Come on, what day was I born"? I said, "Yesterday."
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 3 Responses 4 days ago

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    A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196

    of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
    Adamsofeve Adamsofeve 26-30, M 7 Responses 6 days ago

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    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 24 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    The most popular guy at a nudist camp shows up

    carrying a cup of coffee in both hands AND a dozen donuts....
    Northstar133 Northstar133 56-60, M 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 52 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    A priest checks into a hotel

    and says to the receptionist 'I hope the p0rn channel on my TV is disabled'. She replies 'No sir, it's just ordinary ****, you sick b@st@rd'
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 2 Responses 6 days ago

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