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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 37,823 People

    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 29 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    Have any of you heard about the Buddhist monk

    who walks into Pizza Hut and says, 'Make me one with everything.' ?
    Kandeeman Kandeeman 56-60, M 3 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 32 Responses May 10, 2011

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    Teacher: If U have three apples in one hand

    and four apples in other hand, what would you have? Student: Very large hands
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 1 Response 6 hrs ago

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    A group of Alabama friends go deer hunting

    and pair off for the day. That night, one of the hunters returns alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others ask. 'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replies. 'You left...
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    There's this old priest

    who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, at the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say...
    DanCan1 DanCan1 56-60, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 157 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 149 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 112 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Not even your closest friends know you

    as well as your internet history does..........
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 5 Responses 5 hrs ago

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    'Don't you think "g-spot" would make a good name

    for a nightclub?' a man joked to his girlfriend as they were driving along. 'Hmm, ... huh! I doubt it would be very busy,' the girlfriend replied. 'Most guys wouldn't be able to find it.'
    jenga1 jenga1 46-50, F 6 Responses 20 hrs ago

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 32 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    I'm getting tired of having to write "Sent from

    my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 3 Responses 6 hrs ago

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 63 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba

    and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says, "Hey aren't you going to pay for that...
    orgasmic27 orgasmic27 26-30, M 3 Responses 17 hrs ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 53 Responses May 5, 2011

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    What's green and has wheels?

    This riddle is retarded as ****...
    Slyter Slyter 18-21, M 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 55 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    One misty Scottish morning a man is driving

    through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed...
    orgasmic27 orgasmic27 26-30, M 2 Responses 17 hrs ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 39 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    Dad, I was away for a week.

    Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife saying that I’d be home that night; and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man’s arms. Why, dad? Tell me why!” Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, “Maybe, son, she didn’t get the fax.”
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 3 Responses 23 hrs ago

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    Slyter Slyter 18-21, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 22 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    SPORTSMAN DOUBLE I met an older woman at a

    bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 75+ year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter about my age. We had a couple of drinks, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? I asked her what the...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    After 30 years a woman asked her husband to

    discribe her. Man: You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K Wife: What's that mean? Man: Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, foxy, gorgeous, hot Wife: Oh that's lovely... What about I, J, K? Man: I'm just kidding! The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor...
    NEBookWorm NEBookWorm 13-15, F 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 13 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    Two blondes were on their way to Disneyland

    and came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left." So they went home.
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 51 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    Fruits of Love The newlyweds stopped at a farm

    house and made a deal to bed down for the night. By noon the next day they still weren't up, so the farmer yelled for them to come get some breakfast. "No thanks," called the groom. "We're living off the fruits of love." "Okay," said the farmer, "but quit throwing the damn...
    orgasmic27 orgasmic27 26-30, M 2 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    A woman tells her friend she is getting married

    for the fourth time. "How wonderful! I hope you don't mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how terrible! I'm almost...
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 11 Responses 3 hrs ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 114 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 34 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 47 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    Dear God I beg you to Give me the wisdom to

    understand my boss Give me the love to forgive him Give me the patience to understand his actions But dear God Dont present me with the strength Because if I get the strength I WILL SURELY BREAK HIS SKULL.....
    jbfriendonli jbfriendonli 31-35, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Hillary And The Fortune Teller During a recent

    public outing, Hillary slipped off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses 20 hrs ago

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    The stoplight on the corner buzzes

    when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing...
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    A pounding on the door wakes a couple in the

    middle of a stormy night. The guy gets up and answers it to a stranger who asks him for a push. 'What! You barmy, man? It's the middle of the night,' says the guy, sleepdazed, slamming the door shut. 'Who was that?' calls his partner from under the covers. 'Just some drunk...
    jenga1 jenga1 46-50, F 7 Responses 20 hrs ago

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    Daily Joke 10-31-2006

    I start with a 'safe' joke about a blonde girl... (he thats me ;-) ) A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper...
    linda linda 21-25, F 37 Responses Oct 31, 2006

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 70 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    An recent Italian immigrant to New York wanted

    a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Dat is easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this...
    orgasmic27 orgasmic27 26-30, M 3 Responses 17 hrs ago

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 46 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    Man: You've brought religion into my life.

    Woman: Really? How? Man: Until I met you, I didn't believe in Hell.
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 4 Responses 5 hrs ago

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    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 17 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    A brunette doing laundry asked her blonde

    friend to help her find a match for her sock. The blonde asked, "Are you going to set it on fire?"
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 1 Response 5 hrs ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 48 Responses Mar 10

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 23 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    What's brown and sticky?

    The answer will make you feel stupid.
    Irteth Irteth 22-25, M 10 Responses 1 day ago

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 32 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    When I am present you are not their.

    When you are their, there's no me. Q. What is this riddle referring to?
    Sazzio Sazzio 22-25, M 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 64 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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