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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 33,460 People

    Excerpt from Nicolas Slonimsky's book

    "Slonimsky's Book of Musical Anecdotes" (which I highly recommend): "MOZART'S LONG NOSE": The following story of Mozart's sense of humor has received wide circulation, even thought there is obviously no substantiating evidence. One day, Mozart taunted Haydn that the latter...
    MrTimothyMcNeil MrTimothyMcNeil 18-21, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Domestic Scene.... A woman tells her

    husband: * I want a divorce and start a new life with another man! The husband: * Well, how are you finding another man who wants you? The woman: * You always said I was beautiful! The husband: * You always said I had very poor eyesight!
    Kaddath Kaddath 41-45, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 49 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 84 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 15 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 8 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    Daily Joke 10-31-2006

    I start with a 'safe' joke about a blonde girl... (he thats me ;-) ) A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper...
    linda linda 21-25, F 37 Responses Oct 31, 2006

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 26 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 31 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    Q. What do you when you play a Dave Matthews

    Band song backwards? A. Another Dave Matthews Band song.
    Kickingtires Kickingtires 51-55, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    If you have a ship made of 100 planks of wood,

    and over time replace every single, but keep all the old planks and build a ship with the old planks Which ship is the original ship?
    Guitarhero226 Guitarhero226 18-21, M 6 Responses 3 days ago

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    Akpos was chatting with this girl

    and the following conversation started: AKPOS: Hey girl, I think your really hot, wanna go out? GIRL: I have a boyfriend. AKPOS: I have a Maths test on Monday. GIRL: So? what does that have to do with this? AKPOS: I thought we were just mentioning things that we can cheat on!
    enriqueclasico enriqueclasico 26-30, M 2 days ago

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    a Woman's Ultimate Fantasy

    A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy... In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 22 Responses Nov 18, 2006

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    A man goes to see the Rabbi.

    "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's...
    MrsH2010 MrsH2010 31-35, F 6 Responses 4 days ago

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 30 Responses May 10, 2011

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 50 Responses May 5, 2011

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    Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist

    and a dog have in common? A: Wet noses.
    Joseph86 Joseph86 26-30, M 1 Response 30 mins ago

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    A painter, out of work,

    finds that there is Cathedral that needs painting. He puts in a quote and wins the work. He starts the following Monday. He is nearly finished the job when there is this terrible storm. Thunder, Lightning, Howling rain. The scaffolding starts to collapse and he is pinned...
    mrmee99 mrmee99 46-50, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNextHTNF ExtremeNextHTNF 26-30, F 53 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 20 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    A boy was playing with himself in the bathtub

    when his father walked in and said, "Son, if you don't stop doing that, you'll go blind." The boy said,"Dad, I'm over here."
    Joseph86 Joseph86 26-30, M 35 mins ago

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    What did the egg day to the pot of boiling

    water? "I'm going to have difficulty getting hard since I just got laid by a chic. "
    chastewhisperer chastewhisperer 41-45, F 3 Responses 4 days ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 56-60, M 153 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    My Daily Joke .... Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

    Why did the chicken cross the road?: PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American. DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told! ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To...
    linda linda 21-25, F 37 Responses Nov 5, 2006

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    Just got dumped by my crossed eyed girlfriend,

    she said she wasn't looking forward to see me.
    RrTrueAllMe RrTrueAllMe 13-15, F 1 Response 3 hrs ago

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    God was talking to Adam

    before Eve was created, “I can make you a helpmate that will be at your beck and call, she’ll wait on you hand and foot, she will make you feel good and always be faithful and obedience” God proclaims. Adam replies “How much will this cost me?” “An arm and a leg...
    dwc294 dwc294 46-50, M 3 hrs ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 115 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 63 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 110 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 32 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    Doctor, my husband is 300% impotent.

    "I'm not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?" "Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger."
    Joseph86 Joseph86 26-30, M 2 Responses 22 mins ago

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 65 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    *SMILE* A married Irishman went into the

    confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 5 Responses 15 hrs ago

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    why are tumblr girls

    and white girls so helpless? because they cant even! hehe wait im on tumblr...****
    mackeffingmiller mackeffingmiller 13-15, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    One day, Akpos who was in primary three,

    approached his teacher. Akpos said, "M’am, I should be in primary four, I’m smarter than my sister and she’s in the primary four." The M’am (Teacher) had heard enough of his complaints and took Akpos to the Principal’s office. She explained everything to the Principal...
    enriqueclasico enriqueclasico 26-30, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Following a courtroom exchange between a

    defense attorney and a farmer with a claim of bodily injury, due to a car collision. The case was against an insurance agent, driver of the other car. Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the agent you 'had never felt better in your life'?" Farmer: "That's...
    jenga1 jenga1 41-45, F 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 40 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    A man has got one of the new "smartwatches"

    and is bragging about his to a friend. "Wow, it can call, text, play movies, download games, it can do everything!" his friend cries. "Not quite," the man replies. "It sure is a great watch, but I really wish it would tell me the time!"
    HeartOfNature HeartOfNature 13-15, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 51 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 146 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    RrTrueAllMe RrTrueAllMe 13-15, F 6 hrs ago

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    And if you think lawyers don't have hearts.

    Read the best lawyerstory of all time...bar none. The United Way Health Research Foundation realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the...
    Kaddath Kaddath 41-45, M 6 Responses 3 days ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 39 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    I am taking a sales course this semester

    and couldn't help cracking up on this one:
    diana19 diana19 18-21, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Do you know how Easter Bunnies stay in shape?

    ? They eggercise...that's bunny....lol
    sunloverfemale sunloverfemale 41-45, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    A family is at the dinner table.

    The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a...
    ButterflyEff3ct ButterflyEff3ct 18-21, F 12 Responses 4 days ago

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    Sleeping in Church ------------------ One day

    Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" "I have an idea", said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I...
    Kaddath Kaddath 41-45, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    "Dear person who stole my copy of Microsoft

    office, I will find you. You have my word." LOL.
    JaneDeuxTrois JaneDeuxTrois 18-21, F 3 Responses 4 days ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 27 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 69 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    Silk Pyjamas

    A man called home to his wife and said: "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a...
    EbonyLady EbonyLady 41-45, F 41 Responses Aug 21, 2011

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    My uncle revisited our hometown in Kerala

    after long years in America. The place had changed so much and there were vehicles coming at him from all directions. “Sir, how do you cross this road?” he asked a passer-by. Pat came the reply: “You can’t. You have to be born on the other side of the road.” - See more...
    mona87 mona87 46-50, F 1 day ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 45 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    Well, one winter day

    after a snowstorm, the President was looking out the window of the Oval Office, and noticed that some joker had urinated his name in the snow. It disturbed him that someone would do such a disrespectful thing, so he called in a team of special investigators to look into it. They...
    crotus crotus 51-55, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 61-65, M 42 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 44 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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