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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 49,270 People

    A policeman pulled a blonde over

    after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: "Do you know where your going?" Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people are leaving.
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    omarrochet omarrochet 18-21, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 37 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    TheNameIAlwaysWanted TheNameIAlwaysWanted 16-17, T 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Two goldfish are in a tank.

    One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
    TheNameIAlwaysWanted TheNameIAlwaysWanted 16-17, T 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Sweetaspie23 Sweetaspie23 36-40, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 50 Responses Mar 10, 2014

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    Puns for Educated Minds How does Moses

    make his tea? Hebrews it.... Venison for dinner again? Oh deer! A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy. I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    Son: Dad, l got selected

    for the role of 'husband' in a play ! Dad: Idiot! Ask your teacher for a role which has dialogues.??
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 9 Responses 1 day ago

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 21 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    A couple is lying in bed.

    The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 12 Responses 1 day ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 51-55, F 33 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    tylerlh tylerlh 18-21, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    What we should learn from

    Dogs: LOVE TRUST LOYALTY COMPASSION and What people have learnt: POSITION...
    AlphaLion AlphaLion 22-25, M 3 Responses 20 hrs ago

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 34 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    Why did I get divorced?

    Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday!" and I felt so special. She went out to...
    Injoy1767 Injoy1767 46-50, F 6 Responses 2 days ago

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    Q: What do you call an intelligent,

    good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 51 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 35 Responses May 10, 2011

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    A young woman all excited called up her local

    police department and said, "I have a sex maniac in my apartment!" The officer at the other end said, "We'll be right over lady." The woman said, "Can you wait till morning?"
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    Everybody on earth dies

    and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to form two queues -- one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." The next time God looked...
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 11 Responses 1 day ago

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 62 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 67 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    An Englishman's home is his castle.

    ..until his wife gets home.
    alanbt alanbt 61-65, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    "It's just too hot to wear clothes today,

    " Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    A man in Newcastle walked into the produce

    section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 Response 22 mins ago

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    YOU HEAR ABOUT DUMB ANIMALS BUT DID YOU EVER

    HEAR OF ONE THAT PLANTED GRASS SEED IN MAY SO THEY WOULD HAVE TO PUSH A LAWN MOWER IN JULY
    Bobbeenbad Bobbeenbad 61-65, M 3 days ago

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    A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to

    send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oh, my," said the father, "What have I...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 100 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 53 Responses May 5, 2011

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 157 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 60 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    Leave some jokes in the responses please.

    I'm feeling kind of sad tonight :'(
    littlemissbubbly littlemissbubbly 16-17, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 16 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    FACTS! Husbands are like children —

    they’re fine if they’re someone else’s. Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too. A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do. Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature...
    undecided1129 undecided1129 18-21, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 55 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    One day a housework-challenged husband decided

    to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," She replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 47 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    So once my friend kept making jokes about my

    height, since I'm 4'10. He made some stupid puns and jokes that made me end up throwing his phone across the room. He looked me at with some surprised face then slowly whispered in my ears, "Jesus, Destrey.. Are you short-tempered?" Him and his puns. .-.
    HellNotHallelujah HellNotHallelujah 18-21, F 7 Responses 1 day ago

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    A policeman sees a car weaving all over the road

    and hits his flashing lights. He walks up to the driver's window and sees a good looking woman behind the wheel. There is a strong smell liquor on her breath. He says, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of ALCOHOL." She...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    I GUESS YOU SHOULDN’T CALL SOMEONE OUT !

    You might remember that Jeff Gordon did a Pepsi commercial a while back where he went to a dealership and did a test Drive with the salesman in the car. Really funny. Well, one of the media guys came out and said it was all fake so Jeff did A Pepsi test drive 2 with that...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 2 Responses 1 day ago