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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 56,913 People

    Two drunks on their way home from a late party

    are arguing over the time. One says to the other: "Look is that the sun or the moon up there?" "How the hell should I know? You know I'm not from round here ....."
    kmf456 kmf456 56-60, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Walking home drunk from the bar I saw this

    little Middle Eastern restaurant, so I stopped to stuff my face.... ...But now I falafel.
    ScarlettCharlotte ScarlettCharlotte 22-25, F 1 Response 5 days ago

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 149 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the

    control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 Response 2 hrs ago

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    What goes up a chimney down

    but not down a chimney up? An umbrella XD
    Aniceguy2talkto Aniceguy2talkto 13-15 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 35 Responses May 10, 2011

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 33 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    THE FRIDGE! I got home from work

    and found the missus had left a post-it note on the fridge saying "It's no good, it's not working, I'm staying at mums for a while" I opened it, the light came on, the beer was well chilled. Who knows what she was on about?
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    A priest checks into a hotel

    and says to the receptionist 'I hope the p0rn channel on my TV is disabled'. She replies 'No sir, it's just ordinary ****, you sick b@st@rd'
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Whilst in China, an American man is very

    sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never...
    openbook15 openbook15 26-30, M 3 Responses 4 days ago

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    Skinny Dipping An elderly man in Florida had

    owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each

    other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi...
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 1 Response 4 days ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 56 Responses May 5, 2011

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 56 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 52 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 22-25, F 34 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 101 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 115 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    Two Neighbors John and Raff were talking to

    each other Raff - We always hear loud laughter voices from your house. Whats the reason for such wonderful family time? John - Nthg Bro, My wife throws shoes and other items on me in anger.. If it hits me, She Laughs loud and it don't hit me.. I laugh Louder. Amen our life...
    wintersecret wintersecret 31-35, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Itโ€™s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs

    because they always take things literally.
    Adamsofeve Adamsofeve 26-30, M 1 day ago

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    CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS STORY Lawyers Don't Lie.

    A lawyer had a wife And 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home. When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because they knew that the children...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    Ever since my dad told me one of his dad jokes,

    I loved hearing and telling jokes and riddles. Thanks, dad
    aprisonerofazkaban aprisonerofazkaban 22-25, F 23 hrs ago

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 67 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    In a packed auditorium,

    a hypnotist hypnotized the whole audience with a Pendulum.... Suddenly, the Pendulum fell down..... He screamed, "****!" . . . . . . It took ......3 Days..... to clean the auditorium ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜œ
    Aryg Aryg 36-40, F 7 Responses 4 days ago

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    As a child, I had a medical condition

    that meant I had to eat soil twice a day.... .... Luckily my older brother told me early on.
    ScarlettCharlotte ScarlettCharlotte 22-25, F 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    A sailors ship is pulling into home port

    after being out to sea for 8 months. He sees his wife waiting for him on the dock. He's a signal man who's been a sailor for a few years and they have worked out some signals of their own by now. She signals to him, EF. He signals back, FF. She returns with , EF. He signals back...
    jayciedubb jayciedubb 46-50, M 4 Responses 4 days ago

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    Professor : What inspired you to make this

    essay? Student: The due date -_-
    DeathThrone DeathThrone 22-25, F 3 days ago

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    You know you're getting old

    when the **** you bring home is titled, "Debbie does Dialysis."
    Northstar133 Northstar133 56-60, M 3 days ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 51-55, F 30 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 22-25, F 33 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 61 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 18-21, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    A man was walking down the street

    when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of Pounds for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted a ten Pound note and asked, "If I give you this money,will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner...
    OldPrepper OldPrepper 70+, M 37 mins ago

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    Ahaha this is one my friend

    and I came up with one day while watching tv, & eating craft dinner. Lmao it's racist, don't take it seriously. Why don't black people go on cruises? B/c they're not falling for that again (in a cop car.)
    Jackway Jackway 18-21, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 49 Responses Mar 10, 2014

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    Colonoscopy All the organs of the body were

    having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 9 Responses 4 days ago

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    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 24 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    Two old guys are sitting in a bar

    when the first one says, "Ya know, when I was thirty and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands. By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about twenty degrees, no Problem. I'm...
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 4 days ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 22-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 68 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 61 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    A thief enters a home at night

    and starts searching for money. The owner wakes up and notices the thief and starts searching with him :)
    msb2015 msb2015 26-30, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    A police officer pulls over an elderly female

    for speeding while driving her husband to a doctorโ€™s appointment. The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding. She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding." The...
    ccrider63 ccrider63 61-65, M 1 Response 21 hrs ago

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 54 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    Best Aussie Joke Of The Year.

    Sheila,the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Michael. "Michael,Michael " she yelled...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 45 Responses Mar 27, 2013

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