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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 44,565 People

    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    When I was at the supermarket,

    ready to check out and pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "***** down, facing me." Making a mental note to complain to my government official about this unnecessary security rubbish, I did just as she instructed. After the shrieking and hysteria finally subsided, I found...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 3 Responses 23 hrs ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    Tyler was excited about his first day at school.

    So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So, Tyler raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course, the teacher said yes, but asked Tyler to be quick. Five minutes later Tyler...
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 5 Responses 3 days ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 115 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 20 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 64 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 14 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    Four people are in an airplane,

    the pilot, the smartest man in the world, the richest man in the world, and a punk teenager. The airplane experiences some difficulties, and the pilot informs the three passengers that the plane is going to crash, and there are only three parachutes on the plane. The richest...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    Mr. Wilson comes home one night,

    and his wife throws her arms around his neck. "I have great news. I’m a month overdue. I think we’re going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can’t tell anybody.” The next day, Mrs. Wilson receives a telephone call from...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    MISSING WIFE A husband went to the sheriff's

    department to report that his wife was missing: Husband: I've lost my wife. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home. Sergeant: What is her height? Husband: Gee, I really never noticed. Maybe about five feet tall. Sergeant: Build? Husband: Not slim, not really fat...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 11 Responses 3 days ago

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 58 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    usscalifornia41 usscalifornia41 22-25, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Does chocolate orange count

    as 1 of my 5 a day?
    Dazzer2K Dazzer2K 26-30, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 34 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    I can't believe what happened to me today.

    I was at a taqueria eating a burrito when a panda bear walks in, eats my burrito, takes another guys tacos and eats them then when we get up to do something about it, his handler tossed him a couple pistols and he shot up the joint. Once he was out of ammunition , he backed out...
    jayciedubb jayciedubb 46-50, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the

    shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don?t ever do that again. You...
    alexgabriel alexgabriel 22-25, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 66 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    An old man on the beach walked up to a

    beautiful girl in a bikini, "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed. "Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied. "I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars" he says. Again, she told him,"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me! I want...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 Response 8 hrs ago

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    Husband: I found Aladin's lamp today.

    Wife: wow, what did u ask for darling?? Husband: I asked him to increase your brain ten times.. Wife: oh..jaan..luv u so much.. Did he do that?? Husband: He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply on zero. ??????????????????
    Angel763 Angel763 22-25, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Fifty priests die in an bus accident.

    They all get up to the Pearly Gates and find St. Peter waiting for them. St. Peter is looking at a clipboard with an irritated expression on his face. He gets up, and in a loud voice announces, "To save time I'm only going to ask you all one question: Which of you has ever...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 8 hrs ago

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    A man who had just died is delivered to a local

    mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 5 Responses 3 days ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 55 Responses May 5, 2011

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    A sexy woman walks up to the counter

    and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager. The Bartender replies, “Sorry, the manager is out. Can I help you?” By this time the woman has run her fingers over his face and in his mouth where the horny...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 7 Responses 1 day ago

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    An old story from the pages of the Manchester

    Evening Times: Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the kerb and stopped...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 63 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 158 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 52 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    An attractive young lady with raven-black hair

    and wide eyes approached the gates of Heaven. Looking her over, St. Peter said, "And may I ask, young lady, if you are a virgin?" "I am," was her demure reply. Not wanting to appear distrustful but having to be cautious, St. Peter called over an angel to examine her. Several...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 8 hrs ago

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    A little boy asks his Mum "why am I black

    and you are white ?" "Don't even ask," she replies "when I think back to that party ... you are lucky that you not bark !"
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 4 days ago

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 54 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    It was the first day of school,

    and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy, "My name is Bob Fuckhauer." Upset, the teacher said very loudly, "THERE'LL BE NONE OF THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR IN MY...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 14 hrs ago

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    HolmesGirl HolmesGirl 51-55, F 4 Responses 1 hr ago

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 112 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 69 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    A couple was having dinner at a fancy

    restaurant. As the food was served, the husband said, "the food looks delicious, let's eat." Wife: honey.....you say prayer before eating at home. Husband: that's at home sweetheart......here the chef knows how to cook. ?????? ???????????? ??????
    Angel763 Angel763 22-25, F 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady

    to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”
    HolmesGirl HolmesGirl 51-55, F 1 Response 1 hr ago

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    A woman arrives home from work

    and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?" She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner." The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 4 days ago

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    which is the odd one out intelligent

    man intelligent woman or santa :)
    CrySweetRaven CrySweetRaven 13-15, F 9 Responses 3 days ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 100 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    Santa’s a pro, which is

    why kids bypass parents and appeal to him: • “Dear Santa, Please text my dad. He has my whole list.” From The Reader's Digest.
    restored87 restored87 46-50, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 48 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 53 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 33 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    AgingGracefully AgingGracefully 51-55, M 5 Responses 11 hrs ago

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 33 Responses Aug 24

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 40 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    A woman takes a lover home during the day

    while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 4 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    Four old-timers were playing their weekly game

    of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 14 hrs ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 49 Responses Mar 10

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