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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 37,753 People

    Daily Joke 10-31-2006

    I start with a 'safe' joke about a blonde girl... (he thats me ;-) ) A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper...
    linda linda 21-25, F 37 Responses Oct 31, 2006

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    SPORTSMAN DOUBLE I met an older woman at a

    bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 75+ year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter about my age. We had a couple of drinks, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? I asked her what the...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 6 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 92 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    Slyter Slyter 18-21, M 2 Responses 37 mins ago

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    Two Chinese parents were angry

    and frustrated. They REALLY wanted to have a white baby but were unable. After exhausting all options, they went to a fertility doctor and asked what could be the problem. Without hesitation, the doctor told them: "You can try all you want, but never will two Wongs make a White...
    MysticTraveler MysticTraveler 51-55, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    What do you call it when a chameleon won't

    change colors? A reptile dysfunction
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 7 Responses 2 days ago

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 34 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 70 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    I thought about how mothers feed their babies

    with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 5 Responses 3 days ago

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    Bush vs. Osama Bush

    and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Osama found...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 149 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'

    The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?' The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    A group of Alabama friends go deer hunting

    and pair off for the day. That night, one of the hunters returns alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others ask. 'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replies. 'You left...
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 6 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 114 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    There's this old priest

    who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, at the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say...
    DanCan1 DanCan1 56-60, M 3 Responses 4 hrs ago

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 64 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 32 Responses May 10, 2011

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 39 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    Two boys were arguing

    when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know...
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 7 Responses 1 day ago

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    After 30 years a woman asked her husband to

    discribe her. Man: You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K Wife: What's that mean? Man: Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, foxy, gorgeous, hot Wife: Oh that's lovely... What about I, J, K? Man: I'm just kidding! The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor...
    NEBookWorm NEBookWorm 13-15, F 4 Responses 1 hr ago

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    When I am present you are not their.

    When you are their, there's no me. Q. What is this riddle referring to?
    Sazzio Sazzio 22-25, M 6 Responses 6 hrs ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 48 Responses Mar 10

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    A: Just look at that young person with the

    short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? B: It's a girl. She's my daughter. A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father. B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 10 Responses 1 day ago

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    My wife just rang to say Gavin from auto glass

    has just been and injected his resin into her crack. I'm not normally suspicious, but I've got the f*King car!!!
    halo198 halo198 51-55, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 157 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 29 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    The stoplight on the corner buzzes

    when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing...
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 4 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 32 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    What has "kst" in the middle,

    in the beginning, and at the end?
    Irteth Irteth 22-25, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    "It was just a simple misunderstanding,

    your Honor," testified the man charged with indecent exposure. "Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge. "Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman, so I showed her."
    orgasmic27 orgasmic27 26-30, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    NEVER LIE TO A SMART WOMAN Man on phone: Honey

    I've been asked to go fishing with my boss for 2 days...30- 31st. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So, could you please pack enough clothes for 2 days, set out my rod & fishing box. We're leaving from office & I'll swing by the house to pick my things...
    chandan888 chandan888 26-30, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 75 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    Two blondes were on their way to Disneyland

    and came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left." So they went home.
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 5 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 17 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 36 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    A woman was in bed having sex with her

    husband's friend when the telephone rang. After hanging up, she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry -- he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 7 Responses 1 day ago

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 55 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 53 Responses May 5, 2011

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 13 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 51 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    BigAsset BigAsset 36-40, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    What's green and has wheels?

    This riddle is retarded as ****...
    Slyter Slyter 18-21, M 6 Responses 27 mins ago

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    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 3 Responses 15 hrs ago

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 112 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 23 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 47 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    A father and his son were looking at a nativity

    scene in a London gallery. It was Titian's world-famous painting of the scene at Bethlehem. The boy said, “Dad, why is the baby lying in such a crude cradle in a pile of straw?” "Well, son,” explained the father, “they were poor, and they couldn't afford anything...
    orgasmic27 orgasmic27 26-30, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 63 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    I've just sold my Hoover.

    ....... Well it was just gathering dust!!
    mistymerlin mistymerlin 41-45, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg

    named Smith. So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 52 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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