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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 36,724 People

    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 45 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 56 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 23 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 61 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 22 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Daily Joke 10-31-2006

    I start with a 'safe' joke about a blonde girl... (he thats me ;-) ) A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper...
    linda linda 21-25, F 37 Responses Oct 31, 2006

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    ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with

    vengeance. We'll see about that.''
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    An sad, old man sitting was sitting on a park

    bench when along came a police officer. The officer asked the old man why he was so upset. The old man replied, "Every morning I wake up with a wonderful 20 year old blonde. She cooks great meals including sausage, and bacon and everything I love. Then we make passionate...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    A university creative writing class was asked

    to write a concise essay containing the following elements: 1. Religion 2. Royalty 3. Sex 4. Mystery The prize-winning essay read: 'My God," said the Queen, "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it!"
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 day ago

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 51 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 34 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Finding one of her students making faces at

    others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that." The student looked up and replied, "Well you can't say you weren't warned."
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 154 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    I want to die peacefully in my sleep,

    like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
    jaffa70uk jaffa70uk 36-40, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.

    Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?"she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    New customer to Tech Support: “It says,

    hit any key and when I do that nothing happens'. Tech Support: Can you try again and tell me what happens? Customer: 'Tried but nothing” Tech Support: “What key did you hit? After a moment and some chick ling sound the customer replied: Well, first I tried my car key and...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 3 Responses 12 hrs ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 52 Responses May 5, 2011

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 148 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 32 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    THE BAT BET Three vampire bats live in a cave

    surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood. The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people." The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He...
    ferrer95 ferrer95 18-21, F 2 Responses 20 hrs ago

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    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 15 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea.

    .. does that mean that one enjoys it?
    jaffa70uk jaffa70uk 36-40, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Dad, can you write in the dark?

    I think so. What do you want me to write? Your name on this report card.
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Three rather deaf friends meet on the street.

    “Windy, isn’t it? Said one. “No, it’s Thursday,” said the second. “So am I,” said the third. “Let’s go and have a beer.”
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 1 Response 6 hrs ago

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    President Bush, Dan Quayle,

    Ross Perot, and Bill Clinton all traveled together to see the Wizard of Oz. Upon arrival, they were brought to see him. First, President Bush went to see the Wizard and said, "Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart". So the Wizard said, "So be it...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses 1 hr ago

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 70 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    Blonde and her Friend were Walking down the

    street. They found a 1000 $ Bill on the street. Friend said we will have it 50-50. Blonde responded then What will you do of the rest 900 LOL
    wintersecret wintersecret 31-35, M 2 Responses 7 hrs ago

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    A retiring farmer in preparation

    for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside...
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 11 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    An English professor wrote the words,

    "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    “My girlfriend used to smoke

    after sex, so we started using lube”
    jaffa70uk jaffa70uk 36-40, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    This old man in his eighty's got up

    and was putting on his coat. His wife said, "Where are you going ?" He said, "I'm going to the doctor." And she said, "Why? Are you sick?" "No," he said. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills." So his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 29 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    The man was helping one of his cows give birth,

    when he noticed his 5-year-old son standing pie-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great... he's 5 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer. When everything...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 50 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    Girl: Ever since u got married with me 1.

    We don't go out 2. We don;t eat out 3. You dont give me money for my hair 4. You are not romantic anymore 5. You don't say I am beautiful anymore The man gave out a lengthy laugh and replied: Did you ever see a politician campaigning after winning the elections?😆
    wintersecret wintersecret 31-35, M 8 Responses 6 hrs ago

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    young man hired by a supermarket reported

    for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    The not necessarily well-prepared student sat

    in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best: 1. No need to boil. 2. Cats can't...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 115 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer

    Support employee: "Wordperfect Customer Support; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 112 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 63 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 51 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    A young female teacher was giving an assignment

    to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?" "Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 day ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 47 Responses Mar 10

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    “Does my wife think I’m a control freak?

    I haven’t decided yet.”
    jaffa70uk jaffa70uk 36-40, M 1 day ago

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 29 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 89 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 39 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 75 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    My grandad has the heart of a lion

    and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo.
    jaffa70uk jaffa70uk 36-40, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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