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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 66,637 People

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    I was drinking at a bar

    so I took a bus home. That may not seem like a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
    Unine Unine 36-40, F 6 Responses 3 days ago

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    a man was in the African safari

    when he was suddenly attacked by a lion. the next thing he remembers is waking up in a vudo doctor's office. he feels really strange. the doctor explains that lion tore you limb for limb so we put you back togather with spare parts we had here. Your arm was gone so we put a...
    doctrble doctrble 41-45, M 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

    So I packed her things and left.
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 6 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    An American tourist ask a boat guy in Zanzibar,

    "do you know Biology, Physiology, Geography, Geologie, Criminology?" The boat guy said "No. I don't know any of these." The tourist then said, " What the hell do you know on the face of this earth. you'll die of Illiteracy!!" The boat guy said nothing. After a while the boat...
    LiveLifeN LiveLifeN 18-21, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Best Aussie Joke Of The Year.

    Sheila,the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Michael. "Michael,Michael " she yelled...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 43 Responses Mar 27, 2013

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 33 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 34 Responses May 10, 2011

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    Since her new husband is

    so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 Responses 5 days ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 56 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 57 Responses May 5, 2011

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 51 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline

    and is told: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says: "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?" "No," says the psychic: "Next semester, in her biology class.
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 6 Responses 6 days ago

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    You know, some women would be over the moon to

    be woken up on their birthday with flowers, breakfast in bed and 20 minutes of amazing oral s.e.x. But oh no, not MY mum!
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 2 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    Q. What's the difference between an oral

    thermometer and a rectal thermometer?A.  The taste. 
    firmhand1964 firmhand1964 46-50, M 49 seconds ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 45 Responses Mar 10, 2014

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    Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty

    divorce from Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane," said the judge. Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's f*cking...
    donna000 donna000 36-40, F 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 153 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    firmhand1964 firmhand1964 46-50, M 5 days ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 18-21, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    A woman walked into a sports store

    and headed over to the racks of fishing rods. She chose what looked like a nice rod and carried it across to the counter. The store owner stood there and she asked, “Is this the best rod you have? It’s my husband’s 60th birthday and I want to buy him the very best...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Hahahahahaahhaha Check this out.

    Its very interesting and Educative. If: A B C D E F G H I J K LM N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is equal to; 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K ; 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98% K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E ; 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96% L+O+V+E...
    Rosalindaag Rosalindaag 22-25, F 18 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    A German woman married an American gentleman

    born in Virginia and they lived happily ever after in his home town. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher counter and...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 3 Responses 4 days ago

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    Q.  What's ten inches long

    and slippery?A.  A slipper. 
    firmhand1964 firmhand1964 46-50, M 3 mins ago

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    Late in the night, he finally regained

    consciousness. He was in hospital, in agony. He was in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening...
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 1 Response 4 days ago

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    Where's a good place to get a joke/riddle book?

    Does anyone have an author or title? I love jokes, but I have a hard time remembering them. My family likes to share them and I just don't have any to offer.
    Nikkisela Nikkisela 61-65, F 4 Responses 5 days ago

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 65 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    There were two women traveling to Las Vegas,

    the plane had mean turbulence and bad weather. The captain announced to everyone to get into the crash position, head between the knees. A white woman was sitting next to a black woman, so the white woman took out all her jewelry and started putting it all on, so the black...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 19 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    A woman and man get into a car accident.

    Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try...
    Dirk0 Dirk0 56-60, M 3 days ago

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    Q. How many Germans does it take to change a

    light bulb?A. Just one. They're efficient and not very funny. 
    firmhand1964 firmhand1964 46-50, M 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 36-40 39 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 38 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    -This bread is my flesh,

    this wine is my blood, this lemon juice is - -Okay, we get it, Master!
    ScissorhandsFingeredMe ScissorhandsFingeredMe 16-17, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids

    overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I...
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 5 Responses 3 days ago

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    Q. Why don't blind people sky dive?

    A. It scares the crap out of their dogs. 
    firmhand1964 firmhand1964 46-50, M 7 mins ago

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    A small boy asks his Dad,

    "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 11 Responses Mar 10, 2015

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    A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in

    hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleep, do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all nine...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 2 Responses 4 hrs ago

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 46 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 22-25, F 34 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Hung Chow calls in to work

    and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I...
    donna000 donna000 36-40, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 57 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 22 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 36-40, F 81 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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