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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 39,156 People

    Sometimes when I'm bored I like to find couples

    in supermarkets, and when they're not looking drop a bottle of anal lube in their trolley. The resulting arguments are priceless. Hillary Clinton
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 53 Responses May 5, 2011

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    While walking home from school one day,

    little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Somewhat curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. He finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. “I...
    DanCan1 DanCan1 56-60, M 1 Response 23 hrs ago

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    Lady (to man): You look like a million dollars.

    Man: Hey, you've never seen a million dollars. Lady: That's right. You look like something I've never seen before.
    jopava jopava 51-55, M 3 days ago

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    While walking home from school one day,

    little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Somewhat curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. He finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. “I...
    DanCan1 DanCan1 56-60, M 4 Responses 23 hrs ago

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    Junkard Junkard 22-25, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 157 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 13 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 34 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    The Catholics have got it all wrong.

    Of course God wants us to use contraception. That's why he invented anal. Ian Paisley
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    Kids say!!!!!!! :)) Little girl: Sir,

    why do you wear your collar backwards? Priest: I am a father! Little girl: My Father doesn't wear his collar like that! Priest: I'm a Father of many.. Little girl: My Father has 4 boys & 4 girls but yet he doesn't wear his collar backwards, then why do you?? Priest( getting...
    Aryg Aryg 36-40, F 4 Responses 4 days ago

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 33 Responses May 10, 2011

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    During the wedding rehearsal,

    the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d...
    DanCan1 DanCan1 56-60, M 4 Responses 3 days ago

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    My grandma told me, "If you ever marry a black

    person I won't come to your wedding." I said, "Grandma, by the time I get married, I don't think that you're going to be alive anymore..." My grandma doesn't like that joke. She says that it's too dark for her.
    DudeWithAMohawk DudeWithAMohawk 18-21, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 69 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 78 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    “As soon as we start putting our thoughts

    into words and sentences everything gets distorted, language is just no damn good—I use it because I have to, but I don’t put any trust in it. We never understand each other.” ― Marcel Duchamp
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 2 days ago

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 47 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 58 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    A man was suffering from a bad case of the Flu.

    He called the Drs. office and was told by the receptionist that the Dr. would come to his house right away Surprised, he said "Very Well" Thank him for me". The Dr. arrives and writes a prescription and starts toward the Door. The man says to the Dr. "I want to thank you again...
    ALincoln5 ALincoln5 66-70, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    IT HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    !! A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.” The doctor asks, “What do you mean?” The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.” The doctor...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 3 Responses 4 days ago

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    After God created France,

    he thought it was the most beautiful country in the world. People were going to get jealous, so, to make things fair, he decided to create the French. Mother Teresa
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 18 hrs ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 51 Responses Mar 10

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 116 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 67 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    On the first day of school,

    the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher a basket of assorted fruit. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 11 Responses 10 hrs ago

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 64 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    After telling his wife he was working late at

    the office, a man took his secretary to a hotel and had wild s3x with her. But on his way home, he noticed a huge love bite on his neck and began to panic. What would he tell his wife? Walking in the door, he was greeted by his excited dog. In a moment of inspiration, he dropped...
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 8 Responses 1 day ago

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    that awkward moment when everyone is serious

    and you start laughing ! :P
    littleana littleana 18-21, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Eve's Chat With God "What is it,

    Eve?" "I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, especially that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy." "And why is that Eve?" "Lord, I'm lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case I have a...
    MFBG MFBG 61-65, M 10 Responses 3 days ago

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    LIFE BEFORE THE

    COMPUTER -------------------------- An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 3 Responses 4 days ago

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    The Perfect Son A: I have the perfect son.

    B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn’t. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn’t. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn’t. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 3 Responses 4 days ago

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 52 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?

    Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender. Angela Merkel
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 29 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 34 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 53 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 22 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    What is the definition of a perfect lover?

    A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears. Margaret Thatcher
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 4 days ago

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    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 17 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    karmameter karmameter 36-40, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    SHORTEST JOB INTERVIEW EVERInterviewer : What

    do you consider your greatest weakness?Applicant : HonestyInterviewer : Honesty ? i don't think honesty a weaknessApplicant : I don't five a f@ck what you think 
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 7 Responses 1 day ago

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    How do the French kill themselves?

    They shoot 15 centimeters above their heads, right in their superiority complex Al Gore
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 2 days ago

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    What do you call someone

    who speaks 3 languages? -trilingual What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages? -bilingual What do you call someone who speaks 1 language? -French Edgar Allan Poe
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 6 Responses 2 days ago

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 150 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    Did you hear of the girl

    who swallowed a pin when she was three but did not feel a ***** until she was seventeen? 😄😃
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 22 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 96 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 29 Responses Aug 24

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 39 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 53 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    A farmer is walking along side of his house

    with a chicken under his arm and says this is the pig I have been f-ing his wife puts her head out the window and says that's not a pig its a chicken the farmer says I'm talking to the chicken
    rustr8 rustr8 51-55, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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