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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 36,794 People

    Not being funny doesn't make you a bad person.

    Not having a sense of humour does. David,author.
    teachocolate teachocolate 41-45, F 3 hrs ago

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Anoel13 Anoel13 13-15, F 30 Responses 1 day ago

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    Daily Joke 10-31-2006

    I start with a 'safe' joke about a blonde girl... (he thats me ;-) ) A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper...
    linda linda 21-25, F 37 Responses Oct 31, 2006

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    Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea?

    Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.
    LockieLeonard LockieLeonard 46-50, M 2 Responses 1 hr ago

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    A man tells his wife

    that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he...
    gordie60 gordie60 51-55, M 4 Responses 11 hrs ago

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    riddle Can you find a 10 letter word in

    English language which can be typed using only the 1st rows of the computer keyboard ?
    ferrer95 ferrer95 18-21, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Anoel13 Anoel13 13-15, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 22 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 36 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    BloodStainedSoul BloodStainedSoul 13-15, F 3 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    Before getting a haircut the president asked

    his stylist Christophe, "How long will this take, how much will it cost, and how good will this look?" Christophe replied, "Just ten minutes, cost $20, and look marvelous." An hour and fifteen minutes later, the president looked into the mirror in horror and Christophe handed...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    Three guys go to a ski lodge,

    and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job! The guy on the left wakes up,and he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up...
    gordie60 gordie60 51-55, M 5 Responses 12 hrs ago

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    Riddle 33: I move slowly

    but I'm dead. I leave and then I'm back. I'm clear and then I'm red. I'm many neurotics' snack. What am I?
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 112 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 115 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 148 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    DauntlessRavenclaw DauntlessRavenclaw 16-17, F 3 Responses 7 hrs ago

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 51 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 52 Responses May 5, 2011

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    DauntlessRavenclaw DauntlessRavenclaw 16-17, F 3 Responses 7 hrs ago

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    LockieLeonard LockieLeonard 46-50, M 31 mins ago

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    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 155 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    Customer: How much does it's cost to Bath on

    the train? BR Operator: If you get your feet into the sink, then it's free.
    LockieLeonard LockieLeonard 46-50, M 23 hrs ago

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 46 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    Riddle 32: On a clock,

    how many times a day do the minute and hour hand overlap?
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 29 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 29 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 39 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    A smooth dance, a ball sport,

    a place to stay, an Asian country, and a girl's name
    bfab1998 bfab1998 13-15, F 1 day ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 47 Responses Mar 10

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 45 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    A woman posts an ad in the news paper

    that looks like this. Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed. She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't...
    gordie60 gordie60 51-55, M 2 Responses 11 hrs ago

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    School Teacher sent a Note : “Your Son is an

    Bright & Obedient student but spends too much time with Girls “ Mother replies: “Please advise a Solution! His Father has the same Problem “
    orgasmic27 orgasmic27 26-30, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 70 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 63 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish

    Bar in Cardiff please". "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
    LockieLeonard LockieLeonard 46-50, M 23 hrs ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 11 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 56 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 89 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    What is pink, goes in hard

    and dry and comes out soft and wet? Bubble Gum. What did you think of ?????
    LockieLeonard LockieLeonard 46-50, M 1 Response 32 mins ago

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 74 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 62 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 31 Responses May 10, 2011

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    One more crack like that

    and I'll plaster ya. The man said to the wall!
    LockieLeonard LockieLeonard 46-50, M 51 mins ago

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    Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy

    cover me when I am traveling in Australia?" Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
    LockieLeonard LockieLeonard 46-50, M 23 hrs ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 50 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    Pupil: Can I go to the bathroom?

    Teacher: Only if you can say the alphabet. Pupil: abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxyz Teacher: Where's the p? Pupil: "Half way down my leg."
    LockieLeonard LockieLeonard 46-50, M 21 mins ago

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    Riddle 34: I have lakes with no fish.

    I have roads with no cars. What am I?
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

    The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for...
    SilhouetteDreams SilhouetteDreams 18-21, F 3 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    The Smiths were unable to conceive children,

    and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive,Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon". Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell...
    orgasmic27 orgasmic27 26-30, M 2 Responses 3 hrs ago

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