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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 49,123 People

    A man is not complete

    until he is married...then he's FINISHED!
    alanbt alanbt 61-65, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 36-40 40 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    An Englishman's home is his castle.

    ..until his wife gets home.
    alanbt alanbt 61-65, M 1 Response 12 hrs ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    hengam hengam 31-35, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Peter loves to drink at the local bar,

    but his wife disapproves of this. One night, he's at the bar and he gets extremely drunk. He tries to stand up, but immediately falls to the floor. He tries this a few more times, but each time he falls to the floor. People offered to help him, but he said no each time. He...
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    I GUESS YOU SHOULDN’T CALL SOMEONE OUT !

    You might remember that Jeff Gordon did a Pepsi commercial a while back where he went to a dealership and did a test Drive with the salesman in the car. Really funny. Well, one of the media guys came out and said it was all fake so Jeff did A Pepsi test drive 2 with that...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 1 Response 2 hrs ago

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    Here is a riddle: 2 spies want to get into an

    enemy military base. The guard has to give you a counter sign and u have to answer correctly. A soldier comes and the guard says six, the soldier says 3 and he lets him pass. The next soldier comes. The guard says twelve and the soldier says 6. The first spy comes the guard says...
    kitty609 kitty609 18-21, F 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 156 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    YOU HEAR ABOUT DUMB ANIMALS BUT DID YOU EVER

    HEAR OF ONE THAT PLANTED GRASS SEED IN MAY SO THEY WOULD HAVE TO PUSH A LAWN MOWER IN JULY
    Bobbeenbad Bobbeenbad 61-65, M 1 day ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 53 Responses May 5, 2011

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 51 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our

    ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such a person: THIS IS QUOTED...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?

    A: A Budweiser in each hand!
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 100 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    After she woke up, a woman told her husband,

    "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of...
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Why did I get divorced?

    Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday!" and I felt so special. She went out to...
    Injoy1767 Injoy1767 46-50, F 4 Responses 11 hrs ago

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    A grasshopper is nothing

    but a mosquito gone hulk! :p
    alexgabriel alexgabriel 22-25, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    tylerlh tylerlh 18-21, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    IT SOMETIMES SEEMS LIKE MAN COULD WELL HAVE

    EVOLVED FROM THE ANIMAL WORLD SOME ARE STUBBORN HAS MULE BUSY HAS A BEE IN SPREADING RUMORS SLY HAS A FOX IN BUSINESS DEALS QUITE HAS A MOUSE IN TEACHING THE GOSPEL MEAN HAS A SNAKE WHEN THEY DONT GET THERE WAY LAZY HAS A DOG WHEN WORK IS NEEDED AND EAGER HAS BEAVER TO LET...
    Bobbeenbad Bobbeenbad 61-65, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 60 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    church humor A Sunday School teacher was

    telling her kindergarten class about the Golden Rule Remember she sid we are here to help other people A little girl asked Then what are the others here for ?
    Bobbeenbad Bobbeenbad 61-65, M 1 day ago

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    Best Aussie Joke Of The Year.

    Sheila,the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Michael. "Michael,Michael " she yelled...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 45 Responses Mar 27, 2013

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    After a Beer Festival in London,

    all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in...
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 34 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    Here is some sarcasm

    for the day 1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out. 2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now. 3. You can tell a lot...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    A poor guy says to a rich guy,

    I know every song known to man. The rich man says I will give you all my money if you can sing a song with my daughter's name breesha, the poor man went home rich. What song does he sing? Answer in comments
    kitty609 kitty609 18-21, F 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 67 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    andreadonnan andreadonnan 31-35, F 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    Two goldfish are in a tank.

    One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
    TheNameIAlwaysWanted TheNameIAlwaysWanted 16-17, T 1 Response 10 hrs ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 51-55, F 33 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 21 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 62 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    A guy was meeting a friend in a bar,

    and as he walked in he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other, "Nine." Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten. "Sorry to spoil...
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 52 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    My friend was talking about learning a computer

    language a while ago with this guy we got talking to at a social gathering. The guy enquired which language is the course in and my friend innocently answered 'Oh its in English' True Story....
    Sweetaspie23 Sweetaspie23 36-40, M 1 Response 2 hrs ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 51 Responses Mar 10, 2014

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    TheNameIAlwaysWanted TheNameIAlwaysWanted 16-17, T 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    FACTS! Husbands are like children —

    they’re fine if they’re someone else’s. Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too. A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do. Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature...
    undecided1129 undecided1129 18-21, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Leave some jokes in the responses please.

    I'm feeling kind of sad tonight :'(
    littlemissbubbly littlemissbubbly 16-17, F 21 hrs ago

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Irish Interview Murphy applied

    for a fork lift operator post at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager. When the results were in...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    Sweetaspie23 Sweetaspie23 36-40, M 1 Response 2 hrs ago

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 148 Responses Jan 16, 2009