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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 37,692 People

    Not to brag about my financial skills,

    but my credit card company calls me everyday to tell me my balance is outstanding.
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 9 Responses 2 days ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 22 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Two opposing sides are fighting

    for a takeover. Both are suited with weapons. One side leads the charge...why?
    thinkin123 thinkin123 46-50, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 149 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    piercethemack piercethemack 13-15, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 39 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    What has "kst" in the middle,

    in the beginning, and at the end?
    Irteth Irteth 22-25, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    thinkin123 thinkin123 46-50, F 6 Responses 2 days ago

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    Two Chinese parents were angry

    and frustrated. They REALLY wanted to have a white baby but were unable. After exhausting all options, they went to a fertility doctor and asked what could be the problem. Without hesitation, the doctor told them: "You can try all you want, but never will two Wongs make a White...
    MysticTraveler MysticTraveler 51-55, M 1 Response 12 hrs ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 157 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 46 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    I've just sold my Hoover.

    ....... Well it was just gathering dust!!
    mistymerlin mistymerlin 41-45, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'

    The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?' The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 3 Responses 15 hrs ago

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 64 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    Bush vs. Osama Bush

    and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dogfight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Osama found...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 32 Responses May 10, 2011

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    I'm at my most insecure

    when asked if I want to save changes made to a document when I am sure I did not make any changes at all.
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    My wife just rang to say Gavin from auto glass

    has just been and injected his resin into her crack. I'm not normally suspicious, but I've got the f*King car!!!
    halo198 halo198 51-55, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 29 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 53 Responses May 5, 2011

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 63 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 75 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 32 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    I thought about how mothers feed their babies

    with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    A woman was in bed having sex with her

    husband's friend when the telephone rang. After hanging up, she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry -- he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 7 Responses 15 hrs ago

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 92 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 34 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    A father and his son were looking at a nativity

    scene in a London gallery. It was Titian's world-famous painting of the scene at Bethlehem. The boy said, “Dad, why is the baby lying in such a crude cradle in a pile of straw?” "Well, son,” explained the father, “they were poor, and they couldn't afford anything...
    orgasmic27 orgasmic27 26-30, M 3 Responses 20 hrs ago

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    Riddle: First think of a person

    who lives in disguise, who deals in secrets and tells naught but lies. Next tell me what is always the last thing to mend, the middle of middle the end of the end? And finally give me a sound often heard during the search of a hard-to-find word. Now string them together and...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 70 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 47 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 17 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg

    named Smith. So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 1 Response 15 hrs ago

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    Two boys were arguing

    when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know...
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 6 Responses 15 hrs ago

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    To girls who think all the guys are same,

    Who the hell asked you to try all the guys?
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 6 Responses 2 days ago

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    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 5 Responses 3 days ago

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    "It was just a simple misunderstanding,

    your Honor," testified the man charged with indecent exposure. "Explain that statement!" demanded the Judge. "Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman, so I showed her."
    orgasmic27 orgasmic27 26-30, M 2 Responses 20 hrs ago

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    BigAsset BigAsset 36-40, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    NEVER LIE TO A SMART WOMAN Man on phone: Honey

    I've been asked to go fishing with my boss for 2 days...30- 31st. This is a good opportunity for me to get the promotion. So, could you please pack enough clothes for 2 days, set out my rod & fishing box. We're leaving from office & I'll swing by the house to pick my things...
    chandan888 chandan888 26-30, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 112 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 2 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 13 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 36 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 55 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    Riddle: 500 is at my end

    and my start, yet 5 is at my heart. The first letter and the first number make me complete. My name is that of a king.
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 48 Responses Mar 10

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    What do you call it when a chameleon won't

    change colors? A reptile dysfunction
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 7 Responses 1 day ago

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    Daily Joke 10-31-2006

    I start with a 'safe' joke about a blonde girl... (he thats me ;-) ) A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper...
    linda linda 21-25, F 37 Responses Oct 31, 2006

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    How did the astronaut break up with his

    girlfriend? "I just need some space."
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 5 Responses 1 day ago

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