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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 44,299 People

    captain of a ship going into Sydney ,

    police board the ship and charge the captain with assault ,captain says ,why what have i done.police reply ,we heard you were steaming into Sydney.
    danielm85948 danielm85948 56-60, M 17 hrs ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 158 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 48 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY Good

    : Your wife is pregnant. Bad : It's triplets. Ugly : You had a vasectomy five years ago. Good : Your wife's not talking to you Bad : She wants a divorce. Ugly : She's a lawyer...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 2 days ago

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 22 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    A sadist, a masochist,

    a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds. "How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 14 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl

    biker bar by mistake... He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to...
    DanCan1 DanCan1 56-60, M 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs An

    attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her; 'Father, may I ask a favour?' ' 'Of course child. What may I do for you?' 'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened; but well over the Customs limits and I'm...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 2 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 32 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    man says my boss barks out orders.

    so woman reply's that must be hell working there.ye my boss thinks he is a dog .
    danielm85948 danielm85948 56-60, M 23 hrs ago

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 49 Responses Mar 10

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    A cop is patrolling Lover's Lane

    when he sees the strangest thing. A young teenage couple is sitting in a car, the guy in the front and the girl in the back. The guy is reading a magazine and the girl appears to be knitting. He stops the patrol car and walks over to knock on the young man's window. He rolls...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 Responses 4 hrs ago

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    Little Billy came home from school to see the

    families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 5 hrs ago

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    A young man went into a house of ill repute

    with $20. The Madam told him there was nothing available at the moment. So he started to leave but she stopped him and said for that amount she had something different he might be interested in. She said he could try it with a chicken. He said no way; but she talked him into...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 5 Responses 5 hrs ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    danielm85948 danielm85948 56-60, M 17 hrs ago

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    EVER WONDER - Why the sun lightens our hair,

    but darkens our skin? - Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? - Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? - Why is "abbreviated" such a long word? - Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"? - Why is it that to stop...
    hpesoj88 hpesoj88 26-30, M 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 19 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 35 Responses May 10, 2011

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    A student comes to a young professor's office

    hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "I would do...anything." He returns her gaze. "Anything...
    DanCan1 DanCan1 56-60, M 22 hrs ago

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 53 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    Knock knock. 'Who's there?

    ' Kim. 'Kim who?' I Kim in like a wrecking ball. XD ok, I'm done lol hahah
    xBizzleh xBizzleh 16-17, F 5 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    woman walking along the road finds an other

    woman walking towards her so she moves to the side to get past .but as she does so she turns to the woman and said you have a bloody cheek and walks on so next woman says the same .so this goes on six other times so the next person to say this to her she stop to ask what is...
    danielm85948 danielm85948 56-60, M 16 hrs ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 37 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    Subject: Five Undeniable Facts 1.

    We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes. 2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS. 3. Breaking News...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 2 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    “A small boy asks his Dad,

    "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 Responses 2 hrs ago

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    man says to his pal ,

    i seen your wife on that game show.man reply's what ,so he says i seen your wife on the game. haha.
    danielm85948 danielm85948 56-60, M 1 day ago

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 58 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 151 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    Two older women were outside their nursing home,

    having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady:Whats that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 33 Responses Aug 24

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    A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant

    and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 34 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Rocky saw a familiar girl

    that he approached, and asked, “Hey Andria, you want to dance with Rocky?” She said, “Sure Rocky, I’d love to dance with you.” So the two were dancing and Rocky asked, “Hey Andria, you have on a pair of pink panties?” She said, “Why yes Rocky, how did you know...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 5 hrs ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    A girl to a priest: please explain devil,

    hell and heaven Priest: the thing betweeen both my legs is called a DEVIL, the thing between both ur legs is called hell...capture devil inside hell and youll see heaven
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 4 hrs ago

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 69 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    A girl realized that she had grown hair between

    her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 hr ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 115 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 63 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    Riddle me this: I am better

    than God, more evil then the devil, the poor people have me, the rich people want me, and if you eat me you'll die, what am I?
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 3 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 112 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    A horny husband in a romantic mood,

    goes up to his wife and says, "You look gorgeous when you blush" ;)) His wife, who's a doctor, replies, "When your lovely words touch the bundle branches of the circulation system of my heart, it starts beating........faster and increased output is transmitted to adrenals which...
    Aryg Aryg 36-40, F 2 Responses 2 hrs ago

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    I have come out of my country looking

    for a job and fortunately i got one after arond 4 days. Presently Iam working in this Company from last 1.7 years. I have been selected as Project Engineer and salary was decided to be 400 RO. after some 2 months my boss has turned compeltly against me. i was new in country and...
    heartless2 heartless2 22-25, M 3 hrs ago

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 100 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 64 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    Subject: Top 10 Country Songs from a man's

    point of view 10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine. 9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman; But I Woke Up With A Few. 8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me. 7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'. 6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm...
    DanCan1 DanCan1 56-60, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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