I Love Jokes And Riddles

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl
    18-21, F
    27 Responses Aug 24, 2014

    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda
    26-30, F
    32 Responses Nov 6, 2006

    A man mistakenly sent two million to a wrong

    phone number via mobile money transfer. After thinking of a way to stop the person from withdrawing the money, he came up with an idea of sending a text message to the person's phone number saying: "Hello dark and worthy initiate, I hope you're OK. I believe you have received...
    Rosalindaag Rosalindaag
    22-25, F
    3 Responses Apr 11

    After 15 years of marriage they finally

    achieved sexual compatibility - They both had a headache. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent... wedding cake! How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one. Q: What's the...
    Rusham Rusham
    70+, M
    1 Response Apr 13

    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    63 Responses Oct 10, 2012

    A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class

    that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.' A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the...
    Rusham Rusham
    70+, M
    4 Responses Apr 19

    WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH A WOMAN IS

    REALLY STRESSFUL !! . Wife: Honey Which teams are playing? . Husband: Arsenal vs Manchester United. . Wife : Oooh wonderful! I Love Arsenal.. . Husband: That's a good team... . Wife: Is Drogba playing? . Husband: He doesn't play for any of these teams... . Wife: Okay sweeety. Is...
    Rosalindaag Rosalindaag
    22-25, F
    2 Responses Apr 11

    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream
    22-25, F
    17 Responses Apr 24, 2013

    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    110 Responses Sep 23, 2012

    My girlfriend was being a pest,

    so I gave her a vibrator and told her to buzz off.
    LorenzoInLondon LorenzoInLondon
    61-65
    Apr 7

    After retiring, I went to the Social Security

    office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and...
    actionjake actionjake
    56-60, M
    Apr 19

    HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

    (WRITTEN BY KIDS) YOU GOT TO FIND SOMEBODY WHO LIKES THE SAME STUFF. LIKE, IF YOU LIKE SPORTS, SHE SHOULD LIKE IT THAT YOU LIKE SPORTS, AND SHE SHOULD KEEP THE CHIPS AND DIP COMING. -- ALAN, AGE 10 NO PERSON REALLY DECIDES BEFORE THEY...
    Rusham Rusham
    70+, M
    3 Responses Apr 9

    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    108 Responses Dec 16, 2010

    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus
    26-30, M
    51 Responses Sep 16, 2012

    PROBLEM OF THE DAY A 4years old sunday school

    girl asked his teacher, 1st John 2:15-16 says "do not love the world" but John 3:16 says "for God so loved the world". So why did God love the world and He is preventing us from loving it too??? If you were the teacher what would be your answer?? I need ur answer pls
    Rosalindaag Rosalindaag
    22-25, F
    4 Responses Apr 8

    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica
    18-21, F
    18 Responses Sep 18, 2012

    Hahahahahaahhaha Check this out.

    Its very interesting and Educative. If: A B C D E F G H I J K LM N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is equal to; 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K ; 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98% K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E ; 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96% L+O+V+E...
    Rosalindaag Rosalindaag
    22-25, F
    12 Responses Dec 13, 2014

    I rear-ended a car this morning.

    ..the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
    actionjake actionjake
    56-60, M
    3 Responses Apr 19

    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever
    31-35, F
    74 Responses Jan 20, 2013

    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx
    46-50, F
    48 Responses Apr 2, 2013

    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout
    36-40
    33 Responses Aug 27, 2012

    A man in London walked into the produce section

    of his local Tesco supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the...
    Rusham Rusham
    70+, M
    6 Responses Apr 18

    a Woman's Ultimate Fantasy

    A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy... In a recent On-line poll 38,562 men across the UK were asked to identify a woman's ultimate fantasy. 98.8% of the respondents said that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological...
    iriseyes iriseyes
    22-25, F
    27 Responses Nov 18, 2006

    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes
    22-25, F
    21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

    Dear Mr. Trudeau; Prior to coming to Canada,

    I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter. My father eventually married her. As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step...
    pdqsailor1 pdqsailor1
    51-55, M
    3 Responses Apr 9

    A Nebraskan Farm Story Hillary Clinton

    and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an old cow loomed in front of the car.The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had...
    Rusham Rusham
    70+, M
    3 Responses Apr 10

    "Mother, why do people die

    so quickly in our family?" ... "Mama?" "Mama?" "Maaaammaaaaaaa!"
    wingcommander wingcommander
    18-21, M
    4 Responses Apr 7

    One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the

    bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose. 'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.' 'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I...
    Rusham Rusham
    70+, M
    1 Response Apr 16

    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    31 Responses May 10, 2011

    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    94 Responses Sep 28, 2012

    A small boy asks his Dad,

    "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll...
    Shellster69 Shellster69
    31-35, F
    10 Responses Mar 10, 2015

    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler
    41-45, F
    34 Responses Mar 10, 2014

    I thought you would want to know about this

    e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1955. Symptoms: 1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that! 2. Causes you to...
    Rusham Rusham
    70+, M
    3 Responses Apr 14

    A female class teacher was having a problem

    with a boy in her class in 3rd grade. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in 4th grade, i'm smarter than my sister and she's in 4th grade". The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from...
    Rosalindaag Rosalindaag
    22-25, F
    11 Responses Apr 9

    A wife asked her husband to drop her off at

    a friends house, where a wedding reception was taking place. He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to use as taxi for transport. He left for the office. The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception,there she met a fine...
    Rosalindaag Rosalindaag
    22-25, F
    4 Responses Apr 7

    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler
    36-40, M
    141 Responses Jan 16, 2009

    Irish Nun In a convent in Ireland,

    the 98-year old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey...
    Rusham Rusham
    70+, M
    2 Responses Apr 11

    My wife asked me the other day,

    "At your age, what would you prefer to get - Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?" I answered, "Definitely Parkinson's. Better to spill half an ounce of Jack Daniels, than to forget where you keep the bottle."
    Rusham Rusham
    70+, M
    2 Responses Apr 21

    Best Aussie Joke Of The Year.

    Sheila,the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Michael. "Michael,Michael " she yelled...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx
    46-50, F
    38 Responses Mar 27, 2013

    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1
    66-70, M
    48 Responses Mar 19, 2013

    A riddle: two brothers have an unusual bet--

    they each think their horse is the slowest. They decide to run a race to prove it. They each mount their horse at the starting line. But when the starting gun goes off, neither horse moves. After numerous tries, the starter makes a suggestion. The brothers agree--- and the...
    Woody6 Woody6
    41-45, M
    7 Responses Apr 11

    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME
    61-65, M
    136 Responses Feb 27, 2013

    It was the last 10 minutes of his shift on the

    highway, and this cop had yet to catch a real speeder and score a huge ticket. Just as he was about to give up and drive away, a car appeared on the horizon, moving extremely fast. The cop pulled up his radar and, score, the driver was going 20 miles per hour over the speed...
    Rusham Rusham
    70+, M
    Apr 7

    PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND

    SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED...
    Rusham Rusham
    70+, M
    1 Response Apr 8

    A man went to church on Sunday

    and gave testimony that he was infected with ebola and God had healed him. When he had finished, he tried to give the mic to the 2nd man but the 2ND Man refused to take it: 2ND MAN: I have no testimony. Give it to Pastor. PASTOR: I'm not in charge of testimonies so give it to...
    Rosalindaag Rosalindaag
    22-25, F
    Apr 11

    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina
    22-25, F
    36 Responses Oct 6, 2012

    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl
    26-30, F
    53 Responses Jan 20, 2010

    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel
    41-45, F
    46 Responses Sep 2, 2012

    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    55 Responses Jan 3, 2011

    As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our

    ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other seniors who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Jenkins is such a person: THIS IS QUOTED...
    Rusham Rusham
    70+, M
    3 Responses Apr 12

    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    46 Responses May 5, 2011

    On hearing that her elderly grandfather had

    just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified...
    Rusham Rusham
    70+, M
    2 Responses Apr 20

    PROBLEM OF THE DAY A 4years old sunday school

    girl asked his teacher, 1st John 2:15-16 says "do not love the world" but John 3:16 says "for God so loved the world". So why did God love the world and He is preventing us from loving it too??? If you were the teacher what would be your answer?? I need ur answer pls
    Rosalindaag Rosalindaag
    22-25, F
    6 Responses Apr 8

    lauratdc lauratdc
    46-50, T
    1 Response Apr 8

    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    46 Responses Jun 1, 2013

    This guy is curous about life.

    He even goes so far to climb one of the Tibetan Mountains to speak to the Great Guru. "Great Guru", he asks, "What is the meaning of life?" The Great Guru replies, "I don't know. Have you Googled it?"
    LorenzoInLondon LorenzoInLondon
    61-65
    5 Responses Apr 6

    I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical

    advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to note pads. This one should get First prize... I e-mailed it to my Japanese doctor friend; he e-mailed back: "If light stay on more than 4 hour, call erectrician.
    Rusham Rusham
    70+, M
    5 Responses Apr 17

    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    26 Responses Sep 25, 2011

    A newlywed couple just moved into their new

    house. One day, the wife asked her husband, “Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?” The husband looked at his wife and said, “What do I look like — Mr. Plumber?” A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. “Honey, the car won’t...
    Blanche08 Blanche08
    36-40, F
    12 Responses Jan 19, 2015

    You don’t have to be Chinese to appreciate

    this one! Coca-Cola salesman returned from his assignment to China. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Chinese?" The salesman explained, "When I got posted, I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch. But I had a problem. I didn't know how to...
    Rusham Rusham
    70+, M
    5 Responses Apr 15
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