Post

I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 36,351 People

    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 111 Responses Sep 23, 2012

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 29 Responses Sep 25, 2011

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Standing beside a valiant stallion,

    a beautiful blonde decides she must ride this animal despite having no previous riding experience. Soon, she finds herself atop the horse's back, galloping through a lush green meadow. Unsuspecting, the horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself euphoric over the...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 Response 6 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Whenever your children are out of control,

    you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. The first thing he said was, "Don't." "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 3 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A man was in his front yard mowing grass,

    when his attractive blonde female neighbor, Judy, came out of her house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box, and again opened it and slammed...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 4 Responses 6 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    This is a story about a couple

    who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 3 Responses 6 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 31 Responses May 10, 2011

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Two women where walking home home

    after a girls night out and they feel the need to pee, so passing a graveyard, they decide to go to answer the call of nature. Of course they have no loo roll so the first one uses her knickers and then throws them away while the other woman spots a ribbon on a wreath and pulls...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 6 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Drive Through ATM Procedures Please note

    that Banks are installing new "Drive-through" teller machines. Customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. To enable customers to use this new facility the following procedures have been drawn up. MALE PROCEDURE * 1 Drive up to the cash machine...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 3 Responses 3 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A young woman took her troubles to a

    psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 3 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A drunk phoned police to report

    that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 4 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Q: You're in a room with no doors

    and no windows, and all you have is a baseball bat. How do you get out? A: Strike 1! Strike 2! Strike 3! You're out!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 2 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    An elderly couple was driving cross-country,

    and the woman was driving. She gets pulled over by the highway patrol. The officer says, "Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" The woman turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The old man yells, "HE SAYS YOU WERE SPEEDING." The patrolman says, "May I see your...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 3 Responses 6 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 29 Responses Oct 6, 2012

    Your Response

    Cancel

    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 34 Responses Nov 6, 2006

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Professional Test The following short quiz

    consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a "professional". Scroll down for the answers after you have thought about it. The questions are not that difficult. 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 4 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 44 Responses Mar 19, 2013

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 32 Responses Nov 1, 2006

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Letter of Recommendation - While working with

    Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him working studiously and sincerely at his table without gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always finishes the given assignment in time. He is always deeply engrossed in his...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 Response 4 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Always remember that you are absolutely unique.

    .. Just like everyone else...
    LockieLeonard LockieLeonard 46-50, M 1 Response 4 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a

    classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste." After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 Response 3 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 35 Responses Aug 27, 2012

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine

    and I were discussing former "loves". I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment. George said, "Jimmy, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl's problem...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 hr ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    What NOT to say to a Police Officer: GIVE ME

    YOUR DONUT NOW! Is that a 9 mm? That's nothing - look at my 44 Magnum. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. Wow, you look like the guy in the picture on my girlfriends night stand. You must have been going over 120 to keep up with me. I was going to be a...
    LockieLeonard LockieLeonard 46-50, M 2 Responses 4 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Walking up to a department store's fabric

    counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 4 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The head Nun of the convent called all 100 Nuns

    into the foyer for an emergency meeting. "Last night," She started "I found something terrible in one of the sisters rooms." 99 Nuns "Oh no" 1 Nun "He, he" "A condom!" said the head Nun. 99 Nuns "Oh no" 1 Nun "He, he" Head Nun "And it was used!" 99 Nuns "Oh no" 1 Nun...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 2 Responses 6 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    There were two lovers,

    who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 Response 1 hr ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    An Italian tourist asks a blonde,

    "Why do the American scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde replies, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 5 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    In a courtroom, a pursesnatcher is on trial

    and the victim is stating what happened. She says, "Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I'd remember his face anywhere." At which point, the defendant bursts out, "You couldn't see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!"
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 Response 3 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 55 Responses Apr 2, 2013

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual

    survey in Jeff's neighborhood. "How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the inquirer. "Three times," Jeff said without hesitation. "That is once more often than your neighbor," the inquirer said, writing. "That makes sense," Jeff said, "after all, she's my wife."
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 hr ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    A drunk stammers out of a bar

    and runs right into two priests. He says, “I’m Jesus Christ.” The first priest says, “No, son, you’re not.” So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest says, “No, son, you’re not.” The drunk says, Look, I can prove it. He walks back into...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 Response 4 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 22 Responses Sep 18, 2012

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch

    when Pa turned and slapped Ma, Ma said what was that for? Pa said for forty years of bad sex. Ma said oh and continued rocking. Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said what was that for? Ma said for knowing the difference.
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 Response 1 hr ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Old couple in Sunday church,

    halfway through the service she whispers. "I just did a silent fart, what should I do"? He replies. "Put a new battery in your hearing aid"!
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 5 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 147 Responses Jan 16, 2009

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Daily Joke 10-31-2006

    I start with a 'safe' joke about a blonde girl... (he thats me ;-) ) A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper...
    linda linda 21-25, F 37 Responses Oct 31, 2006

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 22 Responses Nov 6, 2006

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 51 Responses Aug 31, 2012

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 52 Responses May 5, 2011

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 59 Responses Jun 1, 2013

    Your Response

    Cancel

    If you think life is bad.

    How would you like to be an egg? * You only get laid once. * You only get eaten once. * It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. * You share your box with 11 other guys. * But worst of all.... The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 Response 6 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 11 Responses Apr 24, 2013

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300

    for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?". Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?". Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre". Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
    LockieLeonard LockieLeonard 46-50, M 4 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 115 Responses Dec 16, 2010

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 71 Responses Oct 10, 2012

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 39 Responses Nov 3, 2006

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 46 Responses Sep 2, 2012

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 152 Responses Feb 27, 2013

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 14 Responses Dec 31, 2012

    Your Response

    Cancel

    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 75 Responses Jan 20, 2013

    Your Response

    Cancel

    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 62 Responses Jan 3, 2011

    Your Response

    Cancel

    Three men were sitting in a bar talking about

    how whipped they had their wives. The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything. They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees." Both of the...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 Response 4 hrs ago

    Your Response

    Cancel