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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 42,745 People

    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 18 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    A brilliant young boy was applying

    for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?" "Yes", the boy replied. "Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 6 hrs ago

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    Warning!!! This is a mean joke.

    If you don't like mean jokes, stop reading now..... A single woman goes to a grocery store on a Saturday night. She's buying some, you know, typical single woman items: a frozen dinner, tub of ice cream, some trashy magazines, and some tampons. While she's checking out, the...
    danc3rz danc3rz 31-35, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    A penis has a sensitive part at one end -

    called the glans - and an insensitive part at the other - called a man.
    PuzzleMissingAPiece PuzzleMissingAPiece 70+, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 20 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    So, Mickey and Minnie go to divorce court.

    The judge turns to Mickey and says, "I see here in your papers that you said Minnie is crazy?" "No I didn't say she was crazy. I said she was f*cking Goofy!"
    danc3rz danc3rz 31-35, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 151 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    Got arrested at the airport last week.

    Apparently airport security doesn't appreciate it when you yell "shotgun!" before boarding the plane.
    danc3rz danc3rz 31-35, F 6 Responses 7 hrs ago

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 31 Responses Aug 24

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    A teacher calls on a kid in the front of the

    class and asks if you had a dollar and asked your dad for another how many would you have? The kid replies $1. The teacher tells the kid he clearly doesn't know math and the kid replies you clearly don't know my father
    Pangy54321 Pangy54321 18-21, M 7 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 68 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    One day 4 dads are out golfing.

    one goes to the bathroom and the others start talking about their sons. The first dad says my son is a doctor he's so successful gave one of his friends house. The second dad says my son is a lawyer he is so successful he gave one of his friends a Mercedes. The third dad says my...
    Pangy54321 Pangy54321 18-21, M 1 Response 12 hrs ago

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 34 Responses May 10, 2011

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 61 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    A fellow knocked on my front door

    and told me he's collecting for the local swimming pool .... so I gave him a bucket of water !
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 1 Response 2 hrs ago

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 69 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    A panda bear walks into a restaurant

    and orders a meal. After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away. Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!" The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!" So, the bartender looks up...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 2 Responses 6 hrs ago

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    "Honey," said this husband to his wife,

    "I invited a friend home for supper." "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" "I know all that." "Then, why did you invite a friend for supper?" "Because the poor guy is...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 6 hrs ago

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 51 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 30 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 14 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor

    for a ***** count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a ***** sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 1 Response 1 hr ago

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    Where is the 30th dollar?

    Three friends decided to meet each other at the same restaurant where they use to go during college days few years ago. They went and ordered three cups of coffee. After having their coffee, the waiter brought the bill which was for $30 so they paid $10 each. The person at the...
    hhubby123 hhubby123 41-45, M 2 Responses 7 hrs ago

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    In the three-legged race,

    Gina and Erica crossed the finish line after four minutes and 72 seconds. Ellie and Amy crossed the finish line in 212 seconds. Who won the race?
    warriormaiden17 warriormaiden17 18-21, F 3 Responses 17 hrs ago

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 63 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    K, this one is a Logic riddle.

    And no googling! .... "Brothers and sisters I have none but this man's father is my father's son. Who is this man?"
    aag311 aag311 41-45, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    Russian dolls, they're

    so full of themselves.
    danc3rz danc3rz 31-35, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    A guy runs into the bar

    and says, "Quick, pour me 5 shots of your best scotch." The bartender pours them and the man drinks them as fast as he can. "Wow that's the fastest I've seen anyone drink," says the bartender. "Well you'd drink that fast if you had what I had," The man says "Oh my god," the...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 1 hr ago

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    One day a grandfather wondering the test his

    grandson's knowledge of money pulls out A $10 bill and a $20 bill from his grandson and says which one is worth more tell me and you can keep it. The kid points to the $10 bill. The grandfather so amazed that the kid stupidity shows all the relatives and then finally the boys...
    Pangy54321 Pangy54321 18-21, M 2 Responses 12 hrs ago

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    A teacher asks Billy "2 birds are on a wire,

    you scare one of them away how many will be left?" Billy replies "None". The teacher says "How did you come up with that answer?" Billy replies "If one bird leaves the other bird will fly away too". The teachers says "That is wrong, but I like your way of thinking". Billy says...
    IZZYNUDIST IZZYNUDIST 41-45, M 1 Response 12 hrs ago

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 112 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 40 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    What's the difference between A Midsummer

    Night's Dream and Much Ado About Nothing? Nine inches is a midsummer night's dream - three inches is much ado about nothing.
    PuzzleMissingAPiece PuzzleMissingAPiece 70+, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 116 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 100 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,

    Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.' Arthur thought about it for a minute and then...
    Aryg Aryg 36-40, F 39 mins ago

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    The "F" Word ,When is @#$% acceptable?

    There are only ten times in history where the"F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows: 10. "What the @#$% do you mean,we are sinking?" -- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912 9. "What the @#$% was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 8...
    orgasmic27 orgasmic27 26-30, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 48 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 37 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    One day a woman is walking along the beach

    when she finds a magic lamp she rubs it and out pops a genie. He says because she is divorced and he doesn't believe in divorce whatever she wishes for her husband will get double. First she wishes for $1 million so her husband gets 2 million. Next she wishes for a Ferrari so...
    Pangy54321 Pangy54321 18-21, M 1 Response 12 hrs ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 53 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    Time for a riddle The poor have it,

    the rich need it and if you eat it you die; what is it?
    Matt2704 Matt2704 18-21, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 156 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    I heard this one today

    and thought it was so cheesy and cute. What do you call a grandma who designs computer software?
    coureursdebois coureursdebois 18-21, F 2 Responses 12 hrs ago

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 56 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 54 Responses May 5, 2011

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 54 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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