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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 46,898 People

    Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting

    when the person across the aisle is reading it?
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 51-55, F 32 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    One day, the teacher walks into her classroom

    and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 days ago

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 52 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    Three women are on death row in Utah (death

    penalty by firing squad) and about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready.....Aim....." Suddenly the...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Clinton returned from a vacation in Arkansas

    and walked down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the stairs, the honor guardsman stepped forward and remarked, "Nice pigs, Mr. President." Clinton replied, "I'll have you know that these are genuine Arkansas Razor Back Hogs. I got this...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 3 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 14 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    A blonde decides to do something crazy she

    hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the dirty movie store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 6 Responses 2 days ago

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    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

    He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the establishment. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 hr ago

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 32 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 56 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 68 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Don't have phone sex.

    ..you might get hearing aids :)
    thumper15 thumper15 18-21, F 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.

    "I've got some good news and some bad news", God said. Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 11 hrs ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 156 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 63 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    Little Johnny, Billy

    and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude. As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 days ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 20 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    A woman received a call

    that her daughter was sick. She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside. The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her...
    coolguy5544 coolguy5544 22-25, M 9 mins ago

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    A baby was born who was

    so advanced he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor. "Are you my doctor?" he asked. "Yes, I am," said the doctor. The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during the birth." He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 Responses 1 hr ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 53 Responses May 5, 2011

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    George and Laura Bush are at the first baseball

    game of the season. Suddenly George grabs Laura by the collar and throws her over the side and onto the field. The stunned umpire shouted, No, Mr. President! I said, `Throw the first PITCH!
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 48 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 78 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    Johnny, where's your homework?

    " Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response. "Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?" "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 100 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    A man was travelling across the country

    and stopped at a halfway house to use the bathroom. He was on the toilet when he heard a voice coming from the stall next-door, “Hey! How’s it going?” Although quite surprised, not really in the habit of conversing to people in the toilet stalls, he hesitantly answered...
    Injoy1767 Injoy1767 46-50, F 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    A teacher said to Little Johnny: "When you get

    home tonight I want you to find out the first three letters of the alphabet by TOMORROW!!" So, the boy went home and said: "Mummy, whats the first letter of the alphabet?" Mum: NO!!! (She shouted "NO" because her nail polish spilt) The boy goes to his father and said: "Daddy...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 days ago

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    A husband went to police station to report his

    missing wife..... Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home. Sergeant: What is her height? Husband : Oh, 5 something . . . Sergeant: Build? Husband : Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband : Never noticed...
    undecided1129 undecided1129 18-21, F 8 Responses 1 day ago

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    A Bible study group was discussing the

    unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, "We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event." "Everybody nodded their heads in agreement...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses 12 hrs ago

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    Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher,

    posed the following problem to one of her classes: "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?" After a very long silence in the...
    undecided1129 undecided1129 18-21, F 1 Response 16 hrs ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 116 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 34 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Life Facts. These facts are irrefutable.

    Be careful . . . . . A wise person once said: 1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes. 2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 49 Responses Mar 10, 2014

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    My wife sent me shopping today.

    She told me to go and buy something that'll make her look sexy. I came back with 2 litres of vodka and a case of Stella!
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 1 hr ago

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 58 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 37 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    Little Jane comes home from her first day at

    school. Mommy says "Jane, how was your first day?" Jane says, " it was good Mommy, little johnny showed me his wee wee"! The mother gets somewhat upset at this revelation and asks, "Jane, so what did you think of that?" Jane says, "it reminded me of a peanut". The mother is now...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 34 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    My grandmother died in her late 80's

    but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce: The long walks we used to take to the shop in town, the 5 cents she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or cleaning off the driveway, her soothing hands when I would get hurt, but the thing I...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 3 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    An old one. But all-time favourite WHY DO

    COUPLES FIGHT!! ?????? Husband: My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started.... ************************* My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She...
    coolguy5544 coolguy5544 22-25, M 1 Response 7 hrs ago

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    Presidents Washington,

    Lincoln, Reagan, and Obama were all captured by tribesmen from the Lower Delta region of Mongolia. They were ushered up a long winding path that led to the top of a gorge overlooking the valley. Standing right on the edge of the precipice, they were approached by the tribe's...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 Responses 11 hrs ago

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 69 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    I used to be fuc**ng stupid,

    but then we broke up.
    thumper15 thumper15 18-21, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 36 Responses May 10, 2011

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 112 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 36-40 39 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    A blonde walked into the dentist office

    and sat down in a chair. The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 days ago

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