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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 48,755 People

    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 16 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 19 hrs ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 51-55, F 33 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 36 Responses May 10, 2011

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 51 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    If you want something said,

    ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman. Margaret Thatcher
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 6 hrs ago

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    Doctor: Your wife either has Alzheimer's

    or AIDS. Husband: How can we find out which? Doctor: I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home, don't f@ck her.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 5 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    There was an old priest in a small village.

    Every time he had to confess the sexual sins of the people he was shocked so he asked during the ceremony, people to tell him in confession "Father I fell". He immediately would know that they were confessing a sexual sin with no need of getting shocked with the details. Some...
    lahistoriadeB lahistoriadeB 36-40, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 69 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    A blonde was visiting Washington,

    DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find it, so she asked a police officer for directions, “Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?” The officer replied, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    I'm not convinced that faith can move mountains,

    but I've seen what it can do to skyscrapers.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 19 hrs ago

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    If you set out to be liked,

    you would be prepared to compromise on anything at any time, and you would achieve nothing. Margaret Thatcher
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 2 Responses 6 hrs ago

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 114 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    "I'm telling you there's an enemy

    that would like to attack America, Americans, again. There just is. That's the reality of the world. And I wish him all the very best." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 12, 2009
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 6 hrs ago

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 36-40 40 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    KarenIsMyName KarenIsMyName 18-21, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 59 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 52 Responses Mar 10, 2014

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    A man was driving down the road with twenty

    penguins in the back seat. The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off. The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again. He...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Two deaf people get married.

    During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because they can't see each other using sign language, natch). After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a...
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 5 Responses 17 hrs ago

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 147 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    " There is no such thing

    as society. There are individual men and women, and there are families " Margaret Thatcher.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 3 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    Forget mistletoe. This year I'm kissing girls

    under their camel toe instead.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 37 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 67 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 62 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 100 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 62 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 52 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    Your morning groan break (6) Constantly being

    broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her k i l l ed. A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway

    at well over a 100 miles per hour. "Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?" The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do." "Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette. "Are his flashers on?" The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    I am often asked, "Is google a man

    or a women?" My simple answer is: It's a woman because it won't let you finish your sentence without making a suggestion.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 2 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    A woman walked into a library

    and asked for a book on euphemisms. So the librarian took her up the rear aisle and let her have it.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 47 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    Hahahahahaahhaha Check this out.

    Its very interesting and Educative. If: A B C D E F G H I J K LM N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is equal to; 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K ; 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98% K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E ; 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96% L+O+V+E...
    Rosalindaag Rosalindaag 18-21, F 20 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    David Beckham, when not playing football

    that day, decides to go horse riding.Although he has no previous experience, he skillfully mounts the horse and appears in complete control as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.Victoria watches him admiringly.After a while, David becomes a little too casual and begins to...
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 4 Responses 3 hrs ago

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    A drunk man was smoking drugs

    while driving. The policeman stop him and says, "Show me you ID?" The drunk man, "What drugs?"
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Wife to her husband: My bedtime headaches are

    inversely proportional to the number of baths you take.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 3 hrs ago

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    Democratic nations must try to find ways to

    starve the terrorist and the hijacker of the oxygen of publicity on which they depend. Margaret Thatcher
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 6 hrs ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    A hypocrite is the kind of politician

    who would cut down a redwood tree, then mount the stump and make a speech for conservation. Adlai E. Stevenson
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 5 hrs ago

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    What's the definition of a misogynist?

    A man who hates every bone in the female body... except his own.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    The problem with socialism is

    that you eventually run out of other peoples' money. Margaret Thatcher
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 18 hrs ago

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    A lot of countries dislike Americans

    because they refuse to learn a second language. That's just fvcking stupid. I dislike them for not learning their first one.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    The man was in no shape to drive,

    so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." the man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    I hate when people ask me what I'll be doing in

    5 years. C'mon ya'll, I don't have 2020 vision.
    smeckledorfed smeckledorfed 18-21, F 7 Responses 1 day ago

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