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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 36,758 People

    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 47 Responses Mar 10

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    Riddle 10: Skinny I am fast,

    fat I am slow, but I'll still delight you from your eyes to your nose. What am I?
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 Response 10 hrs ago

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    Riddle 1 If you lose one of me,

    you are upset, bewildered, and perplexed. If you lose two of me, you are blissfully unaware.
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 2 Responses 22 hrs ago

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    I am not a math/science person

    but I have been spending time with some and here is one of their jokes. Question: are all odd numbers (1, 3, 5...) prime (divisible only by the number itself and 1)? Mathematician: No, 9 is odd but not prime. Statistician: 3: odd and prime. 111: odd and prime. 47: odd and...
    magicriver magicriver 36-40 1 Response 17 hrs ago

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    An idiot decided to start a chicken farm,

    so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I think I know...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 2 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    Riddle 7: My first two are male,

    and my first three female. My first four save them both, and my whole is a female of the same sort. What am I?
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 2 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    Riddle 17: I'm in everybody

    but everybody still wants me. I won't feed you but I'll feed the tree. What am I?
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 2 Responses 10 hrs ago

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 89 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 56 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    Riddle 3: We hurt without moving.

    We poison without touching. We bear the truth and the lies. We are not to be judged by our size.
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 Response 22 hrs ago

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 50 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    Riddle 16: You want to go to a club

    but to get in you must respond correctly to what the bouncer says. The bouncer says 12 to one man and the man responds 6, he is allowed in. The bouncer says 6 to another man and the man says 3, he too is allowed in. A third man walks up and the bouncer says 10 and the man...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 3 Responses 10 hrs ago

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 70 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    Riddle 14: When you bend me I'm kind But I'm

    very hard to find I'm easily sold and rhyme with this when told What am I?
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 Response 10 hrs ago

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 45 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 39 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 112 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Riddle 11: I'm heavy

    but not backwards. What am I?
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 Response 10 hrs ago

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    Riddle 18: Many have heard me,

    but nobody has seen me, and I will not speak back until spoken to. What am I?
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 2 Responses 10 hrs ago

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    Riddle 8: A farmer has a ton of strange

    animals, but he has to sell one of them. He has a pig with two tails, a cow with two utters, a horse with two right hooves, and a chicken with only three toes on each foot. To keep his livestock as weird as possible, what animal should he sell?
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 2 Responses 10 hrs ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 155 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 74 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 51 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 148 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 4 Responses 22 hrs ago

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    Riddle 18: I wasn't born a horse,

    and I never fly. Yet sometimes I still soar, right into the sky. I often contain breath, and yet I never die. Sometimes I am torn, but I never sigh. Often, with ambition, I aspire, and go till I can go no higher. Then, like many men, so great, I sink into a low state...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 Response 10 hrs ago

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 36 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 23 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    Daily Joke 10-31-2006

    I start with a 'safe' joke about a blonde girl... (he thats me ;-) ) A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper...
    linda linda 21-25, F 37 Responses Oct 31, 2006

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 63 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    I am a riddle: Complete this sequence of

    letters: o, t, t, f, f, s, s, _, _, _.
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 3 Responses 22 hrs ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 115 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    riddle What starts with a T,

    ends with a T, and has T in it?
    ferrer95 ferrer95 18-21, F 4 Responses 11 hrs ago

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    Riddle 12: A bank is getting robbed

    and one of the robbers tells one of the tellers to give him all of the money. The teller tells him she doesn't have access to it. Suddenly the phone rings. The robber tells the teller to answer it and not give them away. She picks up the phone and it happens to be her mother...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 Response 10 hrs ago

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 46 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    Riddle 5: Shake me and I'll do what you want,

    but first you have to pull me from the ground. I'm on the tip of your tongue and over your shoulder. What am I?
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 2 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    ferrer95 ferrer95 18-21, F 4 Responses 11 hrs ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 29 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 29 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    Riddle 4: Using 3 periods (.

    ) and 1 question mark (?) make this a logical and grammatically correct sentence: "That that is is that that is not is not is that it it is"
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 3 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    Riddle 15: I am the beginning of the end,

    the end of every place. I am the beginning of eternity, the end of time and space.
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 Response 10 hrs ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 52 Responses May 5, 2011

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 31 Responses May 10, 2011

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 61 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 11 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    Riddle: What has two hands

    and a face, but no arms and legs?
    ferrer95 ferrer95 18-21, F 5 Responses 20 hrs ago

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    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 15 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    Riddle 6: Alone I am 24th,

    with a friend I am 20. With another friend and I am unclean. What am I?
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 3 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 34 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Riddle What are the next two letters in this

    series? J F M A M J J A S O
    ferrer95 ferrer95 18-21, F 5 Responses 11 hrs ago

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    Me and my friend were walking to the store

    and saw 3 white girls running. She says: there must be free Starbucks lol
    ThingNumber3 ThingNumber3 13-15, F 19 hrs ago

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    Riddle 20: What has ten letters

    and starts with gas?
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 8 Responses 9 hrs ago

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