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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 48,918 People

    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 60 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    Daffynitions- A rheumatologist : A medical

    professional going undercover as a Trained Interior Decorator!
    Brickcanas Brickcanas 46-50, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 47 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    A man rubbed a lamp and a genie came out.

    The man asked to be stronger than any other man. He was given the strength to crush bolders. He asked for the worlds fastest sports car and a ferrari appeared in front of him. He then asked to be smarter than any other every man on the earth. He was turned into a woman.
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 51-55, F 33 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 69 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 37 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 52 Responses Mar 10, 2014

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench,

    and a man jumped out of the bushes and flashed them. The first lady had a stroke, the second lady had a stroke, and the third lady's arm was too short to reach.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 2 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    Q: How did Captain Hook die?

    A: He wiped his bum with the wrong hand.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 4 Responses 7 hrs ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 53 Responses May 5, 2011

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    A guy goes to the store to buy condoms.

    'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks 'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 2 Responses 1 hr ago

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    A child asked his father,

    "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The...
    graciousindifference29 graciousindifference29 26-30, F 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    Q: What's worse than seeing a caterpillar in

    the apple you're eating right now? A: A half caterpillar!
    Janeishere Janeishere 18-21, F 4 hrs ago

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    Best Aussie Joke Of The Year.

    Sheila,the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Michael. "Michael,Michael " she yelled...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 45 Responses Mar 27, 2013

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    Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist

    and a dog have in common? A: Wet noses.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 3 Responses 20 hrs ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 114 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    Two flies sit on a pile of poop.

    One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey, do you mind? I'm eating here."
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 3 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    I asked God "Why did you make Wifes,

    they made life miserable for Mens?" God Replied "I just made Woman, you made her Wife. Your problem" LOL
    wintersecret wintersecret 31-35, M 24 mins ago

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 100 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 16 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?

    A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 3 hrs ago

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    Women on their period.

    .. enough said.
    JourneyOfLife JourneyOfLife 22-25, M 1 day ago

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 67 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 51 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    PSYCHOKINESIS FOR BEGINNERS.

    What's the lightest object on earth? The phallos,because it's the only one that can be elevated by mere thought.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    A blonde has sharp pains in her side,

    so she goes to the hospital. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis." The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 62 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    me: i love you, you know

    that right? him: i love you too! so, when are you free? they've been wanting to know who my bestfriend is!
    graciousindifference29 graciousindifference29 26-30, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 147 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    graciousindifference29 graciousindifference29 26-30, F 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    What do you instantly know about a well-dressed

    man? His wife is good at picking out clothes.
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Your morning groan break (7)

    What is favorite answer? Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * His last battle. Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * At the bottom of the page Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * Liquid Q4. What is the main reason for divorce...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 3 Responses 17 hrs ago

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    My wife claims that mocking fat people is just

    another form of racism. But if that was the case then Jamie Oliver's campaign to eliminate childhood obesity in schools would be one of the worst examples of ethnic cleansing that the world has ever seen.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    The owner of a drug store walks in to find a

    guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The...
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients,

    and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming. But every now and then he'd hear an internal reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 8 Responses 1 day ago

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    Two blondes walk into a tanning salon.

    The receptionist asks, "Are you two sisters?" They chuckled and reply, " No, we aren't even Catholic.
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Q : What do you need in jail?

    A; A manhole cover !
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream

    while having sex? A. Call her and tell her.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 2 Responses 2 hrs ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    What is the one thing

    that all men at singles bars have in common? They’re married.
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 62 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 7 hrs ago

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    A man goes to a $10 hooker

    and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 21 hrs ago

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    What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy

    boob? If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    A Hypnotist at the Senior Home It was

    entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of...
    coloco coloco 61-65, M 3 Responses 6 hrs ago

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 36-40 40 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 21 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...