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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 42,942 People

    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 56 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    Wife: - I wish I was a newspaper -

    so I would be in your hands all day long. Husband: - I also wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one every day.
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 Response 7 hrs ago

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 151 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    Today is Charlie Chaplin's 125th birthday - a

    good day to recollect his 3 heart-touching statements:- (1) Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles. (2) I like walking in the rain, because nobody can see my tears. (3) The most wasted day in life is the day in which we have not laughed. Keep smiling and...
    Angel763 Angel763 22-25, F 3 Responses 23 hrs ago

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    At the shop - Can I help you?

    - No. I just waited in the line for 30 minutes to say Hi.
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 7 hrs ago

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 63 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    Somebody knocks on door: - Who is there?

    - Police? - What do you want? - We want to talk. - How many of you are there? - Two. - So talk with each other.
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 8 hrs ago

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    Two Tasmania's were sitting around talking one

    afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the first Tasmanian says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off fishing', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related? The second Tasmanian crooked his...
    orgasmic27 orgasmic27 26-30, M 22 hrs ago

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    Two ladies talk: - I have congratulated my

    husband with his birthday - I presented him with the set of spoon-baits - What a great idea and logic idea - your husband has been going to fish every weekend for the last ten years. - Indeed. But the problem is that he looked at the set of those spoon-baits and asked what it...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 7 hrs ago

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    After death a man reached at heaven gate.

    There he met St. Peter.... St. Peter: You have to answer a question after that you can enter. The man: What’s that? St. Peter : You have to spell a word. In case you fail, you will be taken to Hell. The man: Which word? St. Peter: “Love” The man: Okay, it’s “L-O...
    Aryg Aryg 36-40, F 3 Responses 1 hr ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 30 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    A guy asks his friend: - Have you talked to the

    hero, who has saved you mother-in-law from drowning in the river? - Yes I did. He came and apologised.
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 7 hrs ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 69 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    A woman killed her partner

    after years of abuse. She was acquitted when it came to light that the only reason she had let him move in was because the landlord wouldn't let her have a cat.
    chanelP chanelP 41-45, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 50 Responses Mar 10

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    I'm so glad they don't have hot dogs at

    McDonalds. I don't think I could keep a straight face ordering a "McWiener" ;-D
    shakenama shakenama 41-45, M 3 Responses 10 hrs ago

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 100 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 Response 8 hrs ago

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    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 6 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 156 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    A young couple, on the brink of divorce,

    visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife, "What's the problem?" She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ***********." The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?" The husband replies, "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not...
    orgasmic27 orgasmic27 26-30, M 1 Response 17 hrs ago

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    What did the blonde say

    when she found out she was pregnant? I wonder if it's mine.
    linda linda 21-25, F 5 Responses 15 hrs ago

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    A man was in a hurry to meet his friend down at

    the nearby lake. On the way down there, he was stopped by a man fully dressed in red. The man pulled over, and the red man asked, "Hi, I'm the red jerk of the highway. Have anything to eat?" The man smiled and handed him a sandwich. He continued down the highway and was yet...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 1 Response 16 hrs ago

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 34 Responses May 10, 2011

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 31 Responses Aug 24

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    Take away my first letter,

    and I still sound the same. Take away my last letter, I still sound the same. Even take away my letter in the middle, I will still sound the same. I am a five letter word. What am I?
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 2 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    Wife says to husband,

    "You make love like you decorate." Husband replies, "What very slow and professional?" "NO,"she replies, "I have to finish the job myself."
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 2 Responses 9 hrs ago

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    A young monk arrived at the monastery.

    He was assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He noticed, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 7 Responses 2 hrs ago

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 20 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    Mother to son: Who is Ttipu sultan ?

    son: Don't know. Mother: sometime give attention to study also Son to mother: who is chinku aunty? Mother: don't know; Son: sometime give attention to Dad also.
    poisonlady poisonlady 31-35 44 mins ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 54 Responses May 5, 2011

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 61 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 37 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    What starts with a P,

    ends with an E, and has thousands of letters?
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 3 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    This word I know? Six letters it contains.

    Take away the last …. and only twelve remains. What is the word?
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 Response 8 hrs ago

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 40 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 68 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 51 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    Husband: Honey, I have problems at work.

    Wife: Not "I", but "we" have problems - since we are married, your problems are mine problems as well. Husband: ok. Then I wanted to let you know that our office-girl got pregnant from us.
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 7 hrs ago

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    Q: What did Adam say the day

    before Christmas? A: It’s Christmas, Eve!
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 Response 8 hrs ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 116 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 32 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 54 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    Bad Parrott A young man named

    John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words...
    actionjake actionjake 56-60, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    An Italian, a Scotsman,

    and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then...
    mzkayz mzkayz 31-35, F 1 Response 7 hrs ago

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    A blonde comes to driving practice test.

    She gets into the car and immediately the instructor says: - You have failed. Blonde: - But why, I have just got into the car. Instructor: - Yes, but you sat on the back seat.
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 3 Responses 7 hrs ago

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    What does December have

    that other months don’t have?
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 3 Responses 8 hrs ago

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