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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 49,001 People

    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 37 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 148 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    A minister is walking down the street one day,

    and sees a boy playing with newborn puppies. "Boy, those puppies are a beautiful gift from God. Pray tell, what religion are they?" "Oh, they're Christian puppies, sir." "Glorious! Have a blessed day." The minister goes on his way. A few weeks later, the same minister is walking...
    KatieTreat KatieTreat 51-55, T 2 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 34 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    My wife claims that mocking fat people is just

    another form of racism. But if that was the case then Jamie Oliver's campaign to eliminate childhood obesity in schools would be one of the worst examples of ethnic cleansing that the world has ever seen.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    Jim and Lena were driving around the countryside

    when they ran over a skunk. "We better take the skunk to the vet, Lena. Just put the skunk between your legs to keep it warm." "But, Jim, what about the smell?" "Don't worry, Lena. The skunk will get used to it."
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 20 hrs ago

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    Best Aussie Joke Of The Year.

    Sheila,the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Michael. "Michael,Michael " she yelled...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 45 Responses Mar 27, 2013

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    A guy goes to the store to buy condoms.

    'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks 'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 60 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Your morning groan break (7)

    What is favorite answer? Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * His last battle. Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * At the bottom of the page Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * Liquid Q4. What is the main reason for divorce...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    A Hypnotist at the Senior Home It was

    entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist! Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of...
    coloco coloco 61-65, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 21 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    A poor guy says to a rich guy,

    I know every song known to man. The rich man says I will give you all my money if you can sing a song with my daughter's name breesha, the poor man went home rich. What song does he sing? Answer in comments
    kitty609 kitty609 18-21, F 4 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    I was in the pub with a mate

    who had married a Muslim chick and recently converted to Islam. Thanks to Ramadan, he wasn't drinking. I said, "Mate, you're taking this thing pretty seriously." He said, "Well, yeah. I want to be a Muslim and I respect my wife's views." I said, "Mate, you can't do both."
    KatieTreat KatieTreat 51-55, T 2 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    I asked God "Why did you make Wifes,

    they made life miserable for Mens?" God Replied "I just made Woman, you made her Wife. Your problem" LOL
    wintersecret wintersecret 31-35, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 36-40 40 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    TheNameIAlwaysWanted TheNameIAlwaysWanted 16-17, T 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Here is a riddle: 2 spies want to get into an

    enemy military base. The guard has to give you a counter sign and u have to answer correctly. A soldier comes and the guard says six, the soldier says 3 and he lets him pass. The next soldier comes. The guard says twelve and the soldier says 6. The first spy comes the guard says...
    kitty609 kitty609 18-21, F 5 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer do

    after dumping his boyfriend? A: He wiped his arse.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 21 hrs ago

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    Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?

    A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Q : What do you need in jail?

    A; A manhole cover !
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream

    while having sex? A. Call her and tell her.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Q: What's worse than seeing a caterpillar in

    the apple you're eating right now? A: A half caterpillar!
    Janeishere Janeishere 18-21, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 114 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 16 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    A man goes to a $10 hooker

    and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 36 Responses May 10, 2011

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 52 Responses Mar 10, 2014

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    Q: How did Captain Hook die?

    A: He wiped his bum with the wrong hand.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 51 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 53 Responses May 5, 2011

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    Two flies sit on a pile of poop.

    One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey, do you mind? I'm eating here."
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 62 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 55 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 156 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 67 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Two cannibals just got their hands on a corpse.

    One says to the other, "I'll start at the head, you start at the feet." They start to eat, and after awhile the one at the head yells to the other one, "Hey, how's it going?" The other replies, "I'm having a ball!" Getting mad, the one at the head yells, "Dammit, slow down, you...
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 22 hrs ago

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    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 2 Responses 22 hrs ago

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 52 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    A little girl asked her mum:'How was the human

    race created ? ' The mother replied 'God made Adam and Eve , and they had children and so on and so forth' When the girl asked he dad later he said 'We evolved from monkeys years ago' So the girl went back and confronted her mum , mum replied 'Well it's simple really , I...
    missreeedy missreeedy 31-35, F 17 Responses 22 hrs ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 51-55, F 33 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist

    and a dog have in common? A: Wet noses.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 100 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our

    ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such a person: THIS IS QUOTED...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 2 Responses 18 hrs ago

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