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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 42,727 People

    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 36 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 53 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 30 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    The Indian chief and his son were chillin' in

    the teepee and the son says to his father, "Dad, my brothers and I have very different names. How did you come to choose our names?". The chief says " Well, son, when my first son was born, I went outside and looked up to the sky and I saw a hawk flying over, and so I named him...
    PhlipipUK PhlipipUK 61-65, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    A teacher calls on a kid in the front of the

    class and asks if you had a dollar and asked your dad for another how many would you have? The kid replies $1. The teacher tells the kid he clearly doesn't know math and the kid replies you clearly don't know my father
    Pangy54321 Pangy54321 18-21, M 6 Responses 4 hrs ago

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    Proof that Ironman is a woman Iron's chemical

    symbol is Fe Another word for man is male Therefore Ironman = Female
    Matt2704 Matt2704 18-21, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    aag311 aag311 41-45, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    A teacher asks Billy "2 birds are on a wire,

    you scare one of them away how many will be left?" Billy replies "None". The teacher says "How did you come up with that answer?" Billy replies "If one bird leaves the other bird will fly away too". The teachers says "That is wrong, but I like your way of thinking". Billy says...
    IZZYNUDIST IZZYNUDIST 41-45, M 4 hrs ago

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 100 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 56 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    I heard this one today

    and thought it was so cheesy and cute. What do you call a grandma who designs computer software?
    coureursdebois coureursdebois 18-21, F 1 Response 3 hrs ago

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    One day a grandfather wondering the test his

    grandson's knowledge of money pulls out A $10 bill and a $20 bill from his grandson and says which one is worth more tell me and you can keep it. The kid points to the $10 bill. The grandfather so amazed that the kid stupidity shows all the relatives and then finally the boys...
    Pangy54321 Pangy54321 18-21, M 2 Responses 4 hrs ago

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 68 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 51 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    In the three-legged race,

    Gina and Erica crossed the finish line after four minutes and 72 seconds. Ellie and Amy crossed the finish line in 212 seconds. Who won the race?
    warriormaiden17 warriormaiden17 18-21, F 3 Responses 9 hrs ago

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    Time for a riddle The poor have it,

    the rich need it and if you eat it you die; what is it?
    Matt2704 Matt2704 18-21, M 1 Response 20 hrs ago

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    One day a man stranded on a deserted island

    finds a magic lamp. he rubs it and out pops a genie. The genie informed him that because the genie doesn't believe in divorce he only gets one wish. The man thinks long and hard about this until he finally comes up with an idea. The man says I would like a four lane bridge to...
    Pangy54321 Pangy54321 18-21, M 3 hrs ago

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    One day a woman is walking along the beach

    when she finds a magic lamp she rubs it and out pops a genie. He says because she is divorced and he doesn't believe in divorce whatever she wishes for her husband will get double. First she wishes for $1 million so her husband gets 2 million. Next she wishes for a Ferrari so...
    Pangy54321 Pangy54321 18-21, M 1 Response 3 hrs ago

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 116 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 31 Responses Aug 24

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    one day A Native American walked into a bar he

    sat down and ordered a beer. After drinking the beer he pulled out a bucket full of crap threw it in the air and shot it with a gun. This goes happens on and off for a while. Finally the bartender asks him why he was doing this and refuses to serve him. The native American said...
    Pangy54321 Pangy54321 18-21, M 1 Response 3 hrs ago

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    One day a pope and a lawyer arrive at the

    pearly gates at the same time. An angel shows them to their houses. They stop at the lawyer's house first it is a huge mansion. The lawyer goes inside wall the angel shows the pope to a small hut with thatched roofing. The pope is outraged and asks why the lawyer got so much of...
    Pangy54321 Pangy54321 18-21, M 3 hrs ago

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    Warning!!! This is a mean joke.

    If you don't like mean jokes, stop reading now..... A single woman goes to a grocery store on a Saturday night. She's buying some, you know, typical single woman items: a frozen dinner, tub of ice cream, some trashy magazines, and some tampons. While she's checking out, the...
    danc3rz danc3rz 31-35, F 2 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    A man and a woman meet at a bar

    and end up back at his place. "You don't talk much", she says as he's undressing. "No", he says, "I do my taking with this", and looks down at his manhood. The woman giggles and says "Sorry, I don't DO small talk"
    PuzzleMissingAPiece PuzzleMissingAPiece 70+, F 4 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    aag311 aag311 41-45, M 1 day ago

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    K, this one is a Logic riddle.

    And no googling! .... "Brothers and sisters I have none but this man's father is my father's son. Who is this man?"
    aag311 aag311 41-45, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    What's the difference between A Midsummer

    Night's Dream and Much Ado About Nothing? Nine inches is a midsummer night's dream - three inches is much ado about nothing.
    PuzzleMissingAPiece PuzzleMissingAPiece 70+, F 2 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    One day 4 dads are out golfing.

    one goes to the bathroom and the others start talking about their sons. The first dad says my son is a doctor he's so successful gave one of his friends house. The second dad says my son is a lawyer he is so successful he gave one of his friends a Mercedes. The third dad says my...
    Pangy54321 Pangy54321 18-21, M 4 hrs ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 54 Responses May 5, 2011

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    AllStarcrushNate AllStarcrushNate 26-30, M 1 day ago

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 48 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 112 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 69 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 14 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    "Think getting your car towed is bad?

    Today I parked in a Tow-Away Zone. When I came out of the store, the entire area was gone." - (unknown)
    aag311 aag311 41-45, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 151 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    The "F" Word ,When is @#$% acceptable?

    There are only ten times in history where the"F" word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows: 10. "What the @#$% do you mean,we are sinking?" -- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912 9. "What the @#$% was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945 8...
    orgasmic27 orgasmic27 26-30, M 2 Responses 22 hrs ago

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    Two men were sitting at the bar on the top

    floor of the Empire State Building. One man says to the other, "You know, if you jump out the window here, the force of the wind will blow you back in through the window on the 90th floor." The other man says "Get outta here, you're joking aren't you?" The first man says "No...
    DanCan1 DanCan1 56-60, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 40 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    So, Mickey and Minnie go to divorce court.

    The judge turns to Mickey and says, "I see here in your papers that you said Minnie is crazy?" "No I didn't say she was crazy. I said she was f*cking Goofy!"
    danc3rz danc3rz 31-35, F 3 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 54 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 63 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    Russian dolls, they're

    so full of themselves.
    danc3rz danc3rz 31-35, F 4 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 50 Responses Mar 10

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    aag311 aag311 41-45, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    A woman on her deathbed tells her husband to

    look in the big trunk under the bed. He opens it and finds three eggs and a thousand pounds in cash. "Every time I faked it with you, I took an egg and put it in the trunk" says the woman. 'Not bad', thinks the man, 'three fakes in all these years of marriage'. So, he asks...
    PuzzleMissingAPiece PuzzleMissingAPiece 70+, F 4 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    Two Aussies, Goose and Sharky,

    were adrift in a life boat. While rummaging through the boat's provision Goose stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed it vigorously, sure enough out popped a genie! This genie, however was a little different. He stated he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 day ago

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