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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 39,472 People

    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 53 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    A man forgot about his wedding anniversary

    and his wife is cross, she walks to him and growls "Tomorrow, I want something in the driveway that goes to 200 in 2 seconds flat!". The next morning, the wife goes to the driveway and notices a boxed gift. She opens it up to find bathroom scales.
    T3chmupp3t T3chmupp3t 18-21, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 116 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    What's long and white

    and filled with seamen?
    ALincoln5 ALincoln5 66-70, M 10 Responses 1 day ago

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    An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with

    a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often...
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 7 Responses 1 day ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 157 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    Irish parenting... My first drink with my son.

    I was reading an article last night about fathers & sons; memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint. Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house. I got us some Fosters, he didn't like it ~ so I had his as well. Then...
    in10RjFox in10RjFox 46-50, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 99 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 52 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Some books that were never written: Chaos

    Reigns Supreme by Lauren Order 1001 Ways to Dispose of Trash by Reese I. Cling My Brother Studied Hard by Betty Failed-Thetest Sailing on a Cruise Ship by Rowan Along Everybody Exercise by Jim Nasium He Didn't Eat his Vegetables by Zoe Gotno-Dessert She Kissed Another Man by...
    warriormaiden17 warriormaiden17 18-21, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 47 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 64 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 66 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Coming Soon Mercedes Crash Report We're

    Sorry Mercedes Benz had a problem and crashed. We'll try to restore your windows and air bag, when it restarts. To help us diagnose and fix the problem, you can send us a crash report if you are alive. < > Tell Mercedes about this Crash < > Tell your spouse about this Crash...
    in10RjFox in10RjFox 46-50, M 2 days ago

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    There are two types of people

    who make me crazy... Nosy people and people who won't tell me what the heck is going on!
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 47 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    There was a blonde who was sitting next to a

    lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him. The blonde was reluctant, so the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. He told her that every time she could not answer his question, she owed him $5, but...
    DanCan1 DanCan1 56-60, M 3 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 13 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    A woman is walking through an airport

    and as she passes the public restrooms, a man exits with his fly unzipped. She says to him "Sir, your garage door is open" and he replies, "Did you see my Harley?" To that she says "No, just a minibike with 2 flat tires."
    fetish27 fetish27 46-50, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    A trucker who has been out on the road

    for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says: ‘I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!’ The Madam is astonished. ‘But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies...
    jerzee78 jerzee78 36-40, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    There are only two four letter words

    that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
    jerzee78 jerzee78 36-40, M 1 Response 21 hrs ago

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    Whenever I date a guy,

    I think: Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? -Rita Rudner
    shellseagirl shellseagirl 41-45, F 1 Response 5 hrs ago

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    The doctor, after an examination,

    sighed and said, "I have got some bad news. You have cancer, and you had best put your affairs in order..." The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting. "Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 53 Responses May 5, 2011

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    It was George the Mailman's last day on the job

    after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they...
    jerzee78 jerzee78 36-40, M 7 Responses 2 days ago

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 32 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    Twitter is my 'serious' account.

    My Bank account is the 'joke' one.
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 69 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    A hearse is driving up a step hill

    when the backdoor flies open, sending the coffin rolling down the hill and crashing through a pharmacy. The casket pops open revealing the deceased, the ill customer asks the pharmacist "Have you got anything to stop this coffin?"
    T3chmupp3t T3chmupp3t 18-21, M 3 days ago

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 28 Responses Aug 24

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 54 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 60 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 17 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 34 Responses May 10, 2011

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    A female officer arrests a drunk.

    She warns him, You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you.The drunk replies, Boobs.
    jerzee78 jerzee78 36-40, M 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 150 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 34 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 7 Responses 1 day ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 51 Responses Mar 10

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    I just burned 1200 calories.

    I forgot the pizza in the oven.
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.

    .. "Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient." "Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 7 Responses 2 days ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    A minister decided that a visual demonstration

    would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    A man walks into a church confessional

    and says to the priest, “Bless me, father, for I have sinned. I was with seven different women last night.” The priest is silent for a moment, and then says, “Go home and cut seven lemons in half. Squeeze the juice into a glass and drink it down in one gulp.” “And I...
    DanCan1 DanCan1 56-60, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 Response 2 hrs ago

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 78 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 39 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    Prince Charles was driving around his mother's

    estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic. Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the...
    cheleshere cheleshere 66-70, F 7 Responses 2 days ago

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    The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just

    finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General. As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America." The General said, "Well, anything I can do to...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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