I Love Jokes And Riddles

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on.........
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner...

This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood...

A guy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur...

"A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in...

A while back, I picked up a lovely date at her parent's home.
I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu . . . Patron tequila,
shrimp cocktail, foie gras. lobster...

After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her...

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.""Yeah," she replied, "50 years ago we were...

A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age.The man looked in his pockets...

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there...

JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous,

athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but...

I used to be like this...
Then I met a girl...
She was like this...
Together, we were like this...
I gave her gifts like this...
When she accepted my proposal, I was like this...
I used to talk to her all night like this..
And at the...

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause...

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I...

There was a plate with a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge with a note that read,

" Don't eat me !!"

Now there is an empty plate in the fridge with a note that reads,

"Don't tell me what to do !!"

An older man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?""There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.The receptionist became...

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red
> sports car and
> was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a
> blonde.
>
> The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's
>...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye...

1. Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

2...

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's...

One day, the mother in law decided to visit the daughter in law, unannounced. When she walked into the house she found for utter horror, the daughter in law lying down in the couch fully naked but face nicely made up etc.

The old lady...