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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 49,072 People

    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 69 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    andreadonnan andreadonnan 31-35, F 6 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    After a Beer Festival in London,

    all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in...
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 2 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 62 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 16 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 156 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 36-40 40 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 67 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    Here is some sarcasm

    for the day 1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out. 2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now. 3. You can tell a lot...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 4 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    Here is a riddle: 2 spies want to get into an

    enemy military base. The guard has to give you a counter sign and u have to answer correctly. A soldier comes and the guard says six, the soldier says 3 and he lets him pass. The next soldier comes. The guard says twelve and the soldier says 6. The first spy comes the guard says...
    kitty609 kitty609 18-21, F 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 2 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    Jim and Lena were driving around the countryside

    when they ran over a skunk. "We better take the skunk to the vet, Lena. Just put the skunk between your legs to keep it warm." "But, Jim, what about the smell?" "Don't worry, Lena. The skunk will get used to it."
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 51-55, F 33 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 55 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 114 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    A minister is walking down the street one day,

    and sees a boy playing with newborn puppies. "Boy, those puppies are a beautiful gift from God. Pray tell, what religion are they?" "Oh, they're Christian puppies, sir." "Glorious! Have a blessed day." The minister goes on his way. A few weeks later, the same minister is walking...
    KatieTreat KatieTreat 51-55, T 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    I was in the pub with a mate

    who had married a Muslim chick and recently converted to Islam. Thanks to Ramadan, he wasn't drinking. I said, "Mate, you're taking this thing pretty seriously." He said, "Well, yeah. I want to be a Muslim and I respect my wife's views." I said, "Mate, you can't do both."
    KatieTreat KatieTreat 51-55, T 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Leave some jokes in the responses please.

    I'm feeling kind of sad tonight :'(
    littlemissbubbly littlemissbubbly 16-17, F 8 hrs ago

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 37 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    TheNameIAlwaysWanted TheNameIAlwaysWanted 16-17, T 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    IT SOMETIMES SEEMS LIKE MAN COULD WELL HAVE

    EVOLVED FROM THE ANIMAL WORLD SOME ARE STUBBORN HAS MULE BUSY HAS A BEE IN SPREADING RUMORS SLY HAS A FOX IN BUSINESS DEALS QUITE HAS A MOUSE IN TEACHING THE GOSPEL MEAN HAS A SNAKE WHEN THEY DONT GET THERE WAY LAZY HAS A DOG WHEN WORK IS NEEDED AND EAGER HAS BEAVER TO LET...
    Bobbeenbad Bobbeenbad 61-65, M 1 Response 15 hrs ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?

    A: A Budweiser in each hand!
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 1 Response 16 hrs ago

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    FACTS! Husbands are like children —

    they’re fine if they’re someone else’s. Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too. A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do. Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature...
    undecided1129 undecided1129 18-21, F 1 Response 11 hrs ago

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Best Aussie Joke Of The Year.

    Sheila,the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Michael. "Michael,Michael " she yelled...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 45 Responses Mar 27, 2013

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    church humor A Sunday School teacher was

    telling her kindergarten class about the Golden Rule Remember she sid we are here to help other people A little girl asked Then what are the others here for ?
    Bobbeenbad Bobbeenbad 61-65, M 15 hrs ago

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    Q: What did Jeffrey Dahmer do

    after dumping his boyfriend? A: He wiped his arse.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    A man is not complete

    until he is married...then he's FINISHED!
    alanbt alanbt 61-65, M 4 Responses 23 hrs ago

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 36 Responses May 10, 2011

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 100 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    A grasshopper is nothing

    but a mosquito gone hulk! :p
    alexgabriel alexgabriel 22-25, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    After she woke up, a woman told her husband,

    "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of...
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 1 Response 16 hrs ago

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    So God is getting a bit bored in heaven,

    and he asks his archangel Michael, "Michael, I need to get away from it all for a bit. Where should I go to clear my head?" Michael replies, "Well, you could always go to Pluto. You could go create a mountain and ski, have a bit of fun." God says, "No, I don't think so. I don't...
    KatieTreat KatieTreat 51-55, T 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    YOU HEAR ABOUT DUMB ANIMALS BUT DID YOU EVER

    HEAR OF ONE THAT PLANTED GRASS SEED IN MAY SO THEY WOULD HAVE TO PUSH A LAWN MOWER IN JULY
    Bobbeenbad Bobbeenbad 61-65, M 15 hrs ago

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    A little girl asked her mum:'How was the human

    race created ? ' The mother replied 'God made Adam and Eve , and they had children and so on and so forth' When the girl asked he dad later he said 'We evolved from monkeys years ago' So the girl went back and confronted her mum , mum replied 'Well it's simple really , I...
    missreeedy missreeedy 31-35, F 17 Responses 1 day ago

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 21 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 148 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 52 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    A guy goes into a bar

    and sees a beautiful woman. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them...
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 8 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    tylerlh tylerlh 18-21, M 1 Response 13 hrs ago

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    Two cannibals just got their hands on a corpse.

    One says to the other, "I'll start at the head, you start at the feet." They start to eat, and after awhile the one at the head yells to the other one, "Hey, how's it going?" The other replies, "I'm having a ball!" Getting mad, the one at the head yells, "Dammit, slow down, you...
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago