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I Love Jokes And Riddles

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 65 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 101 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 57 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in

    hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleep, do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all nine...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 112 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    a man was in the African safari

    when he was suddenly attacked by a lion. the next thing he remembers is waking up in a vudo doctor's office. he feels really strange. the doctor explains that lion tore you limb for limb so we put you back togather with spare parts we had here. Your arm was gone so we put a...
    doctrble doctrble 41-45, M 2 Responses 6 days ago

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    A Specialist renovated his Clinic

    and Cabin. He requested the Painter to Write his Profession outside his Cabin Door. Painter did the same and left the place. When the Specialist returned later, he fainted to floor after reading what was written on his door. " PSYCHO THE RAPIST " LOL
    wintersecret wintersecret 36-40, M 3 days ago

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 51 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    Q. Why don't blind people sky dive?

    A. It scares the crap out of their dogs. 
    firmhand1964 firmhand1964 46-50, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    A woman walked into a sports store

    and headed over to the racks of fishing rods. She chose what looked like a nice rod and carried it across to the counter. The store owner stood there and she asked, “Is this the best rod you have? It’s my husband’s 60th birthday and I want to buy him the very best...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids

    overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I...
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 5 Responses 5 days ago

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 22-25, F 34 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 57 Responses May 5, 2011

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    Why can't Cam Newton get into his driveway?

    Someone painted an endzone on it.
    Sicarium Sicarium 36-40, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Hahahahahaahhaha Check this out.

    Its very interesting and Educative. If: A B C D E F G H I J K LM N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is equal to; 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K ; 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98% K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E ; 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96% L+O+V+E...
    Rosalindaag Rosalindaag 22-25, F 18 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 36-40, F 81 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    I was drinking at a bar

    so I took a bus home. That may not seem like a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.
    Unine Unine 36-40, F 6 Responses 5 days ago

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    pdqsailor1 pdqsailor1 51-55, M 1 day ago

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 22 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    Teacher asked what comes

    after a sentence. Told her an appeal.
    Unine Unine 36-40, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    I told my dad to embrace his mistakes - he

    cried...... Then hugged my sister and I.
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 18-21, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 56 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    The only reason I would take up walking is

    so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 58 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    A small boy asks his Dad,

    "Daddy, what is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll...
    Shellster69 Shellster69 31-35, F 11 Responses Mar 10, 2015

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    A plane is on its way to Melbourne

    when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back. The...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 51 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    A German woman married an American gentleman

    born in Virginia and they lived happily ever after in his home town. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher counter and...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 3 Responses 6 days ago

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    Hung Chow calls in to work

    and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I...
    donna000 donna000 36-40, F 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    A newlywed couple just moved into their new

    house. One day, the wife asked her husband, “Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?” The husband looked at his wife and said, “What do I look like — Mr. Plumber?” A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. “Honey, the car won’t...
    Blanche08 Blanche08 31-35, F 17 Responses Jan 19, 2015

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    -This bread is my flesh,

    this wine is my blood, this lemon juice is - -Okay, we get it, Master!
    ScissorhandsFingeredMe ScissorhandsFingeredMe 16-17, F 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 34 Responses May 10, 2011

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 46 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    A man died and went to The Judgment,

    they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a...
    Paschar Paschar 61-65, M 2 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 147 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    There were two women traveling to Las Vegas,

    the plane had mean turbulence and bad weather. The captain announced to everyone to get into the crash position, head between the knees. A white woman was sitting next to a black woman, so the white woman took out all her jewelry and started putting it all on, so the black...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    Late in the night, he finally regained

    consciousness. He was in hospital, in agony. He was in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening...
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 1 Response 6 days ago

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    My friend thinks he is smart.

    He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 1 Response 5 days ago

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    Q.  What's ten inches long

    and slippery?A.  A slipper. 
    firmhand1964 firmhand1964 46-50, M 2 days ago

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    Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty

    divorce from Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane," said the judge. Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's f*cking...
    donna000 donna000 36-40, F 5 Responses 4 days ago

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his

    5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed...
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    You know, some women would be over the moon to

    be woken up on their birthday with flowers, breakfast in bed and 20 minutes of amazing oral s.e.x. But oh no, not MY mum!
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 56-60, F 28 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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