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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 54,159 People

    Old men may walk slowly,

    but they think FAST An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years. He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees. The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    A man gets married and shortly afterwards his

    wife dies. A friend tries to console him and asks, "What happened to your wife?" "She died of poison from eating mushrooms," said the husband. This man gets married a second time, and not long after the marriage, this second wife dies. The same friend tries to console...
    silentkillxc1 silentkillxc1 18-21, F 5 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 66 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?

    Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 16 hrs ago

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 47 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    If an electric train is traveling south.

    Which way is the smoke going?????
    bzjzbzhzjsn bzjzbzhzjsn 16-17, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 156 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    What is Beethoven's favorite fruit?

    . . . . . . . . . . . . . . BANANANAA- BANANANAA You sang it in your head didn't you? XD
    Yoyoko Yoyoko 16-17, F 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.

    Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants...
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Priceless . . . . . .

    . . A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him...
    DanCan1 DanCan1 61-65, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    Why don't cannibals eat Irish people?

    The last time they threw one in the cooking pot, he ate all the potatoes.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 16 hrs ago

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    An old man walks into a bar

    and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball. "I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?" The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three...
    caddriss caddriss 36-40, F 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 68 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 79 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    I took my 7 year old son to the zoo today.

    We were walking around and soon he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant!” I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us. “What did you just call it?” I asked. “It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said, and so it did, A F...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 3 days ago

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    Baby Rabbit: "Mommy,

    where did I come from?" Mother Rabbit: "I ll tell you when you re older." Baby Rabbit: "Oh, Mommy, please, tell me now." Mother Rabbit: "If you must know, you were pulled from a magician's hat."
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 3 days ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 22-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 56 Responses May 5, 2011

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    WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST ?

    The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, 'When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first? Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.' 'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?' Suzy replied...
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 51-55, F 31 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 22-25, F 33 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

    Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 21 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 17 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    Airman Jones was assigned to the induction

    center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather...
    itsoneofus itsoneofus 36-40, F 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 50 Responses Mar 10, 2014

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 22-25, F 34 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    You might not know this.

    ..but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female, EXAMPLES: FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but you can see right through them. PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off....it takes a while to warm them up again...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    THE IRISH CHRISTENING Paddy's pregnant sister

    was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in a coma for nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant. Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby. The doctor replied, “You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are...
    csouls csouls 31-35, M 3 Responses 12 hrs ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 18-21, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 33 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

    "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 52 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 35 Responses May 10, 2011

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    The teacher asks the 5th graders what commodity

    they'd like best. Little Alice raises her hand and says"Gold". The teacher asks why. Alice says gold is worth lots of money and then she'd be able to buy a Corvette! Teacher asks "anyone else"?. Little Suzy raises her hand and says "Platinum". The teacher asks why. Suzy says...
    csouls csouls 31-35, M 12 hrs ago

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    Margaret Thatcher about the American

    Dream; "Only a nation of true couch potatoes would be lazy enough to build its core aspirational values around a function of sleep."
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Boy did you fart? ...

    . Cuz your blowing me away ;)
    roxy20122929292 roxy20122929292 22-25, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Q: Why can't Elton John drive faster

    than 68mph? A: Because at 69 he blows a rod.
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    are you over the top with your selfie stick?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2KvLP8-H7JA
    HardLiquid HardLiquid 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    A man goes to the circus.

    After the show he speaks to the manager and asks for a job. "Alright, what can you do?", the manager asks. "I can do great bird impressions", the man replies. "Pssh, a lot of people can do that". "Oh well", the man says and flies away.
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    A man goes into a pet shop

    and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, “Come on, a dog?” The owner says, “How about a cat?” The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Four old retired guys are walking down a street

    in Adelaide, Australia. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar – ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 19 mins ago

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