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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 57,044 People

    I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

    She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right." I said, "If I did all that, I'd be talking to your Girlfriends over there instead of you."
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 7 Responses 1 day ago

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    Professor : What inspired you to make this

    essay? Student: The due date -_-
    DeathThrone DeathThrone 22-25, F 5 days ago

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    Two Neighbors John and Raff were talking to

    each other Raff - We always hear loud laughter voices from your house. Whats the reason for such wonderful family time? John - Nthg Bro, My wife throws shoes and other items on me in anger.. If it hits me, She Laughs loud and it don't hit me.. I laugh Louder. Amen our life...
    wintersecret wintersecret 31-35, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 22-25, F 33 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from

    the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?" 'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift ?' 'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 7 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    Hahahahahaahhaha Check this out.

    Its very interesting and Educative. If: A B C D E F G H I J K LM N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is equal to; 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K ; 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98% K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E ; 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96% L+O+V+E...
    Rosalindaag Rosalindaag 18-21, F 19 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 68 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    I told my wife the truth.

    I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    A thief enters a home at night

    and starts searching for money. The owner wakes up and notices the thief and starts searching with him :)
    msb2015 msb2015 26-30, M 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    The most popular guy at a nudist camp shows up

    carrying a cup of coffee in both hands AND a dozen donuts....
    Northstar133 Northstar133 56-60, M 1 Response 21 hrs ago

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    A priest checks into a hotel

    and says to the receptionist 'I hope the p0rn channel on my TV is disabled'. She replies 'No sir, it's just ordinary ****, you sick b@st@rd'
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 61 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    Two drunks on their way home from a late party

    are arguing over the time. One says to the other: "Look is that the sun or the moon up there?" "How the hell should I know? You know I'm not from round here ....."
    kmf456 kmf456 56-60, M 1 Response 4 days ago

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    Skinny Dipping An elderly man in Florida had

    owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    This one I find as oh

    so funny, but one you need to read to the end. As a Piper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country. As I...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 5 Responses 3 days ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 51-55, F 30 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    cletismuffee cletismuffee 66-70, M 19 hrs ago

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 101 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 149 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    A farmer in the field with his cows counted 196

    of them, but when he rounded them up he had 200.
    Adamsofeve Adamsofeve 26-30, M 6 Responses 3 days ago

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    A wife asks her husband,

    "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had avocados." If you're a woman, I'm...
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    A police officer pulls over an elderly female

    for speeding while driving her husband to a doctor’s appointment. The officer approaches the vehicle and attempts to explain that he stopped her for speeding. She looks at her husband and asks, "What did he say?" The husband replies, "He said he stopped you for speeding." The...
    ccrider63 ccrider63 61-65, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    An Illegal Immigrant picks up a hooker.

    "Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks. "$100," she replies. In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?" "No," she says. "I pay you $200 to do immigrant style." "No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is. "I pay you $300." "No," she says...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 5 Responses 4 days ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 56 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    Did you hear about the religious believer

    that went down to Mexico and broke the law and was put in jail? He finally realized it just wasn't a good thing getting Jesus into you.
    KSPerson KSPerson 46-50, M 3 days ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 155 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the

    control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 36 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 36-40 38 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    I was telling a girl in the pub about my

    ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs. "Really" she said, "Go on then...try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said. "Come on, what day was I born"? I said, "Yesterday."
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 52 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 47 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    A 5 year old son, after watching a mythological

    story: "Mummy, I also want 7 wives, one will cook for me, one can bath me, one will play with me, one I will take to school, etc...." Mum smiled and said, "Then at night, I don't have to accompany you to sleep!" After considering it, the son said, "Not possible, I still...
    Aryg Aryg 36-40, F 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    What goes up a chimney down

    but not down a chimney up? An umbrella XD
    Aniceguy2talkto Aniceguy2talkto 13-15, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 52 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 35 Responses May 10, 2011

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 33 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 24 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    You know you're getting old

    when the **** you bring home is titled, "Debbie does Dialysis."
    Northstar133 Northstar133 56-60, M 5 days ago

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    My wife was furious when she found an old sex

    tape I'd made a few years ago in the back of a wardrobe. "So I messed around before we got together" I said. "Big deal." "Big deal?" She snapped. "You're wearing your wedding suit in it!''
    tripwithzip tripwithzip 26-30, F 4 Responses 5 days ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 18-21, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    A man was walking down the street

    when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of Pounds for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted a ten Pound note and asked, "If I give you this money,will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner...
    OldPrepper OldPrepper 70+, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming

    pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs

    because they always take things literally.
    Adamsofeve Adamsofeve 26-30, M 3 days ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 56 Responses May 5, 2011

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