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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 40,256 People

    A religious man was caught in a flood

    and swept out to sea. A search and rescue boat was sent to retrieve him. When they reached him and tried to get him in the boat he refused and said god will save him. Next a helicopter lowered a rope to him and he refused saying that god would save him. Next a whale surfaced...
    thefisch thefisch 22-25, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    At thirty thousand feet a plane lost all its

    engines and power. As it plummeted to the ground below the aircraft began to pick up speed shaking and shuddering in its decent. The look on the faces of all the passengers was distress and fear. A preacher man was praying to his god. an Australian stopped the beer cart in the...
    thefisch thefisch 22-25, M 3 hrs ago

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    Can you name three consecutive days without

    using Monday Tuesday Wednesday Friday Saturday Sunday?
    holloway64 holloway64 46-50, M 9 Responses 6 hrs ago

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    thefisch thefisch 22-25, M 10 hrs ago

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 21 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    viviq66 viviq66 18-21, F 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    A man was talked into playplaying a round of

    golf one day by his friends but he had no clubs. He went into the clubhouse to rent some for the day and while he was there he spotted these little robot things along the wall in the shop. He asked the person behind the counter what they were and he was informed that they were...
    thefisch thefisch 22-25, M 1 day ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    If an emperor runs an empire,

    and a king runs a kingdom. Who runs a country?
    thefisch thefisch 22-25, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook

    for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an *******!"
    akaShaun akaShaun 16-17, M 2 hrs ago

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    REPLACEMENT WINDOWS Last year I replaced all

    the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,..............just because I'm...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 Responses 3 days ago

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    A man, returning home a day early from a

    business trip, got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. And for $100, the cabby agreed. Quietly...
    jerzee78 jerzee78 36-40, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    No that is good. Rescues on the way

    but were too busy looking for the rescue to see the rescue wow cool thank you for sharing I like those jokes too :-)
    sunney55 sunney55 46-50, M 17 hrs ago

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    Oxymoron: "Fundamentally speaking,

    there is no basis for anything."
    aag311 aag311 41-45, M 1 Response 4 hrs ago

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 63 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    Tim was a thirty year old

    and still living at home with mum and dad. One day while Tim was having a **** his father walked in and caught him in the act. Ashamed about his son he bought him a plane ticket to Asia and told him not to come home until he has found himself a nice little wife for himself so he...
    thefisch thefisch 22-25, M 2 Responses 6 hrs ago

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 66 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 52 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 156 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 69 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    The man who invented it doesn't want it.

    The man who bought it doesn't need it. The man who needs it doesn't know. What is it?
    danc3rz danc3rz 31-35, F 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 53 Responses May 5, 2011

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 48 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    Baptism.... Before performing a baptism,

    the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?" "I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests." "I don't mean...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses 11 hrs ago

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 100 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 50 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    Bob received the following text from his

    neighbour: "I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you...
    Guvna2106 Guvna2106 31-35, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 82 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    A man walked into a pub one day

    and saw a large jar full of money on the counter. He then asked the barmen what it was for and he replied." if anyone could make the donkey out the back of the pub laugh it was all there's." The man said "yep I'm your man I'll give it a go." He proceeded outside and within...
    thefisch thefisch 22-25, M 1 Response 3 hrs ago

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    A man comes to a bus stop

    and finds an older woman sitting on the seat, crying her eyes out. Wanting to console her, the man asks her what is wrong. "Has your husband been beating you up or something?" he asks in an offhand way, hoping to make light of the situation. "No, not at all, " she says looking...
    DirtyOldMan36 DirtyOldMan36 61-65, M 3 days ago

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    Bob had just finished his last day of work at

    the local waste facility and was now officially retired. His best mate Tim talked him into going out for a celebratory drink. While sitting at the bar Tim asks job" mate, you worked at that place for thirty years! How did you do it?" Bob replied." Well Tim the way I see it is...
    thefisch thefisch 22-25, M 9 hrs ago

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 35 Responses May 10, 2011

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 30 Responses Aug 24

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    Love2014nb Love2014nb 51-55, F 3 days ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 13 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach

    and for the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat." He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were better looking it would lift itself."
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    If we went camping and you woke up in the

    morning with a condom hanging out your *** and pocket full of coins. Would you tell anyone or keep it to your self?
    thefisch thefisch 22-25, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    A dog lover, whose dog was a female

    and 'in heat,' agreed to look after and house her neighbor's male dog while he was away on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the dogs apart ... but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard an awful howling and moaning sound. She rushed downstairs...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 day ago

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 32 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 59 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    A homeless man was walking aimlessly around the

    city looking for food scraps when he caught the sorting smell of a barbeque nearby. He wondered toward the smell and came to an opening where a crowd had gathered by the river having a barbeque and were being baptised. He asked someone how he could get some of the food on offer...
    thefisch thefisch 22-25, M 3 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    There was a married couple The woman shot her

    husband Then put him underwater for 10 minutes Then hung him Then the married couple had a nice lunch together. How did this work? Fill in the holes. Ask me yes or no questions to find the answer.
    pinkhappysparkle pinkhappysparkle 13-15, F 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 51 Responses Mar 10

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 53 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 152 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    Three men sitting at the bar of their local pub

    were all feeling a bit low when one decided to say. "I think my wife is cheating on me with a plumber" The other two said" that's a shame mate, how do you know?" "Well I came home last night and found some PVC pipes under the bed" " sorry to hear that. I'll buy you a drink to...
    thefisch thefisch 22-25, M 1 Response 6 hrs ago

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    A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work

    and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients". "Yes, sir!" answers Murphy. The doctor goes fishing and returns the following...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 Response 4 hrs ago

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 30 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 35 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    1. What's brown and sticky?

    2. What's a foot long and slippery? 3. What's invisible and smells like carrots?
    danc3rz danc3rz 31-35, F 4 Responses 3 days ago

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