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I Love Jokes And Riddles

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 101 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    Menstruation Testimony!

    ! During church service, this 16-year old pastor's daughter stood up and says: "Praise the Lord!" Everybody shouted with joy,"Hallelujah". She continued: "Since the age of 13, I've been experiencing painful monthly periods. But now, after a series of Bible studies and prayers...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    A scrapmetal merchant had just departed life

    and arrived in front of St Peter, wanting to get into Heaven. St Peter had been watching this wide boys' double dealing antics over the past few years. St Peter folded his arms and confronted the scrapmetal merchant, "Why should I allow you to enter Heaven?" The man replied, "I...
    Roddy15 Roddy15 61-65, M 2 days ago

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    A guy gets home late one night

    and his wife says: "Where have you been?" "I was out getting a tattoo." "A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?" "I got a hundred dollar bill on my ****." "What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your ****?" "Well, number one, I like to...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 day ago

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    If two witches were watching two watches,

    which witch would watch which watch?
    AnAwkwardTroll AnAwkwardTroll 16-17 1 Response 2 days ago

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    MsInvis MsInvis 46-50, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Q. What's the difference between an oral

    thermometer and a rectal thermometer?A.  The taste. 
    firmhand1964 firmhand1964 46-50, M 1 Response 5 days ago

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    On hearing that her elderly grandfather had

    just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie...
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 1 day ago

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    He walked into a post office just

    before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    An atheist was seated next to a little girl on

    an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 8 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 38 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    A newlywed couple just moved into their new

    house. One day, the wife asked her husband, “Honey, one of the bathroom pipes is leaking. Could you fix it?” The husband looked at his wife and said, “What do I look like — Mr. Plumber?” A few days went by, and his wife asked for a favor. “Honey, the car won’t...
    Blanche08 Blanche08 31-35, F 17 Responses Jan 19, 2015

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    Teacher asked what comes

    after a sentence. Told her an appeal.
    Unine Unine 36-40, F 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    There were two women traveling to Las Vegas,

    the plane had mean turbulence and bad weather. The captain announced to everyone to get into the crash position, head between the knees. A white woman was sitting next to a black woman, so the white woman took out all her jewelry and started putting it all on, so the black...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 3 Responses 6 days ago

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 46 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 36-40, F 81 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 56 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 147 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 56-60, F 28 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    The only reason I would take up walking is

    so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 Response 4 days ago

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    Hahahahahaahhaha Check this out.

    Its very interesting and Educative. If: A B C D E F G H I J K LM N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Is equal to; 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 Then H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K ; 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98% K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E ; 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96% L+O+V+E...
    Rosalindaag Rosalindaag 22-25, F 18 Responses Dec 13, 2014

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 51 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 153 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his

    5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed...
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 1 Response 5 days ago

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    My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

    So I packed her things and left.
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 7 Responses 6 days ago

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    My grandfather died peacefully,

    in his sleep… …not screaming like the passengers in his car.
    firmhand1964 firmhand1964 46-50, M 1 Response 5 days ago

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    Mummy skunk had two baby skunks named out

    and in. When Out was out in was in. Sometimes when in was out, out stayed out so that neither in nor out was in. One day mummy skunk said to out who was in to go out and get in in. So out went out to get in in and a few minutes later out came in with in. Mummy skunk asked how...
    Roddy15 Roddy15 61-65, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 19 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 22 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    QueenOfAllSorrows QueenOfAllSorrows 31-35, F 7 Responses 3 days ago

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 34 Responses May 10, 2011

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 112 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 36-40 38 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 46-50, F 58 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    I told my dad to embrace his mistakes - he

    cried...... Then hugged my sister and I.
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 33 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 22-25, F 34 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    An old geezer became very bored in retirement

    and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that read: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000." Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would...
    Martys4ever Martys4ever 41-45, F 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30 58 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Why do vampires have to "sire" new vampires

    instead of birthing a child like normal people? The same reason they are so pale, lack of blood flow.
    hidden0ne hidden0ne 31-35, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    You know, some women would be over the moon to

    be woken up on their birthday with flowers, breakfast in bed and 20 minutes of amazing oral s.e.x. But oh no, not MY mum!
    csouls csouls 36-40, M 2 Responses 6 days ago

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    csouls csouls 36-40, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Q. Why don't blind people sky dive?

    A. It scares the crap out of their dogs. 
    firmhand1964 firmhand1964 46-50, M 2 Responses 5 days ago

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