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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 38,072 People

    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 17 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    THREE TREES AND A WOODPECKER Two tall trees,

    a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 Response 21 hrs ago

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 64 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    When You are in Love WONDERS HAPPEN,

    But when you get Married, you WONDER WHAT HAPPENED? :-O ;-D
    karmameter karmameter 36-40, M 3 Responses 17 hrs ago

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    A husband and wife are trying to set up a new

    password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 2 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    A man walks out on his front porch one day

    and sees a gorilla in the tree on his front lawn. He calls animal control and about an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a shotgun. The animal control employee tells the man, "I'm here to get the gorilla out of your tree. I'm going to use this ladder to...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 5 Responses 20 hrs ago

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    Daily Joke 10-31-2006

    I start with a 'safe' joke about a blonde girl... (he thats me ;-) ) A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper...
    linda linda 21-25, F 37 Responses Oct 31, 2006

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 38 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 76 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 114 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 13 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    "Mom, does God go to the bathroom?

    " a son asked. The mom replied, "No son, why?" The son said, "Well every morning Dad goes to the bathroom and pounds on the door and shouts, 'Oh God! Are you still in there?!?!' "
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 2 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 55 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    A baby snake asked it's mom,

    "Mommy are we poisonous?" The mother snake responded, "Yes honey, but why do you want to know?" The baby snake responded, "Because I just bit myself..."
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 Response 20 hrs ago

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    A woman asks the pharmacist

    if he sells extra-large condoms. The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy some?" The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys a box?"
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 3 Responses 20 hrs ago

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 51 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    A rancher, while riding his horse,

    was checking his fences. He came upon an old lamp. He rubbed it, and a genie appeared. The genie thanked him, and told him he could have one wish granted. The rancher thought about it...
    jopava jopava 51-55, M 4 Responses 9 hrs ago

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    Stan is seconds away from receiving a vasectomy

    when his brother and sister-in-law barge in holding their newborn baby. "Stop! You can't do this!" exclaims the brother. "And why not?" asks Stan. "Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like my wife and I have here?" Stan says nothing. The brother grows impatient, "C...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 Response 19 hrs ago

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    Q. What could possibly be the most favorite

    command of a Rear Admiral? A. Launch the torpedo. ;)
    Neo8 Neo8 31-35, M 2 hrs ago

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    A man is fishing and he catches a crocodile.

    The crocodile tells him, "Please let me go! I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man says, "Okay, I wish my penis could touch the ground." The crocodile then bites his legs off.
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 4 Responses 20 hrs ago

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    Assistant: "Sir, can I have a day off next week

    to visit my mother-in-law?" Boss: "Certainly not!" Assistant: "Thank you so much sir! I knew you would be understanding."
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 Response 19 hrs ago

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    An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had

    the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce perfect children. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. In his search, he met a farmer who had three stunning daughters that positively took his breath away. So he...
    IM5688 IM5688 56-60, M 1 Response 14 hrs ago

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    My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a

    divorce?" I responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house." He said, "So?" And I responded, "She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's house!"
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 2 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    A man needed a horse,

    so he went to a temple and got one. Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order to make the horse go, you say, "Thank God," and for it to stop you say, "Amen." So the man left, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. Hours later, he woke...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 Response 20 hrs ago

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    Your momma is so stupid she put airbags on her

    computer in case it crashed.
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 3 Responses 20 hrs ago

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a

    calculator? A: She couldn't find the "10" button.
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 2 Responses 20 hrs ago

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    CURRYXBLAZE CURRYXBLAZE 18-21, M 3 Responses 1 hr ago

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    Sara was getting married soon.

    Curious to know more about marriage, she asked her mother some questions Sara: "Mom, What is the different between Newly Married Couple and Already longtime married couple"? Mom: Dear, its just the difference of "L" and "H". Sara: Confuse, What do u mean? Mom: Well my...
    wintersecret wintersecret 31-35, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    It was Christmas Eve.

    A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 5 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 34 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 39 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 22 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 29 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    Why are hurricanes named

    after women? Because they arrive wet and wild, then leave with your house and car. :D
    karmameter karmameter 36-40, M 2 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 64 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    An American Indian boy goes to his mother one

    day with a puzzled look on his face. “Mom, why is my big brother named Mighty Storm?” “Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.” “Why is my sister named Cornflower?” “Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." "And why is my other sister...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 2 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    A husband and wife have four boys.

    The odd part of it is that the older three have red hair, light skin, and are tall, while the youngest son has black hair, dark eyes, and is short. The father eventually takes ill and is lying on his deathbed when he turns to his wife and says, "Honey, before I die, be...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 Response 19 hrs ago

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 150 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 34 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 32 Responses May 10, 2011

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 32 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 53 Responses May 5, 2011

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 46 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 28 Responses 3 days ago

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    Student: "Should I get in trouble

    for something I didn't do?" Teacher: "No." Student: "Good, because I didn't do my homework."
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 Response 11 hrs ago

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    Positive Attitude Late in the night he

    regained consciousness… He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital’s ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident. She gave him a deep look straight into...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 3 Responses 18 hrs ago

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    Q: What happens when you cross a shark with a

    cow? A: I don't know but I wouldn't milk it.
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 2 Responses 20 hrs ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 48 Responses Mar 10

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 51 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 70 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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