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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 36,786 People

    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    Three guys go to a ski lodge,

    and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job! The guy on the left wakes up,and he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up...
    gordie60 gordie60 51-55, M 4 Responses 2 hrs ago

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    You have been given the task of transporting 3,

    000 apples 1,000 miles from Appleland to Bananaville. Your truck can carry 1,000 apples at a time. Every time you travel a mile towards Bananaville you must pay a tax of 1 apple but you pay nothing when going in the other direction (towards Appleland). What is highest number of...
    bfab1998 bfab1998 13-15, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 32 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    Riddle 32: On a clock,

    how many times a day do the minute and hour hand overlap?
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    Riddle 33: I move slowly

    but I'm dead. I leave and then I'm back. I'm clear and then I'm red. I'm many neurotics' snack. What am I?
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 39 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    Before getting a haircut the president asked

    his stylist Christophe, "How long will this take, how much will it cost, and how good will this look?" Christophe replied, "Just ten minutes, cost $20, and look marvelous." An hour and fifteen minutes later, the president looked into the mirror in horror and Christophe handed...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 6 hrs ago

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    riddle Can you find a 10 letter word in

    English language which can be typed using only the 1st rows of the computer keyboard ?
    ferrer95 ferrer95 18-21, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 50 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 29 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 15 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 155 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 74 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    michaeln41 michaeln41 41-45, M 2 Responses 22 hrs ago

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 45 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 31 Responses May 10, 2011

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    A fast food restaurant sells chicken in orders

    of 6, 9, and 20. What is the largest number of pieces of chicken you cannot order from this restaurant?
    bfab1998 bfab1998 13-15, F 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    If it's information you seek,

    come and see me. If it's pairs of letters you need, I have consecutively three. Who am I?
    bfab1998 bfab1998 13-15, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Anoel13 Anoel13 13-15, F 30 Responses 1 day ago

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 148 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 89 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    School Teacher sent a Note : “Your Son is an

    Bright & Obedient student but spends too much time with Girls “ Mother replies: “Please advise a Solution! His Father has the same Problem “
    orgasmic27 orgasmic27 26-30, M 2 Responses 17 hrs ago

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    What's always coming

    but never comes?
    Anoel13 Anoel13 13-15, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Who was the worlds first carpenter?

    Eve, because she made Adams banana stand.
    LockieLeonard LockieLeonard 46-50, M 2 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish

    Bar in Cardiff please". "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
    LockieLeonard LockieLeonard 46-50, M 13 hrs ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 29 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 51 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 23 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    Riddle 29: A man was found dead in his study.

    He was slumped over his desk and a gun was in his hand. There was a cassette recorder on his desk. When the police entered the room and pressed the play button on the tape recorder they heard: "I can't go on. I have nothing to live for." Then there was the sound of a gunshot...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    A man tells his wife

    that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he...
    gordie60 gordie60 51-55, M 2 Responses 1 hr ago

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 112 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 70 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy

    cover me when I am traveling in Australia?" Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?"
    LockieLeonard LockieLeonard 46-50, M 13 hrs ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 50 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 62 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 34 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 52 Responses May 5, 2011

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 46 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    There is a story that a man

    and not a man Saw and did not see a bird and not a bird Perched on a branch and not a branch And hit him and did not hit him with a rock and not a rock.
    bfab1998 bfab1998 13-15, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 63 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    bfab1998 bfab1998 13-15, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Riddle 31: Different lights make me strange,

    for each one my size will change. What am I?
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 56 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    riddle Ganpat is found dead in his office at

    his desk. Sherlock Holmes was working on this case and have narrowed the suspects down to three people: 1. His Friend Mr Rakesh Gupta 2. Ganpat's wife "Bhawna" 3. His Secretary "Jason Kumar" All three suspects visited ganpat on the day of his murder for various reason as...
    ferrer95 ferrer95 18-21, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Daily Joke 10-31-2006

    I start with a 'safe' joke about a blonde girl... (he thats me ;-) ) A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper...
    linda linda 21-25, F 37 Responses Oct 31, 2006

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    A woman posts an ad in the news paper

    that looks like this. Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed. She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't...
    gordie60 gordie60 51-55, M 2 Responses 2 hrs ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 115 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    Riddle 30: You are awoken at 3 A.

    M. by a knock on your door. Your parents call you to let you know that they are there for breakfast. You are confused but quickly think of what food you have. You have bread, jam, butter, and eggs. What do you open first?
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Riddle 34: I have lakes with no fish.

    I have roads with no cars. What am I?
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    Anoel13 Anoel13 13-15, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 11 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    What does this message say ?

    G T Y O R J O T E O U I A B G T Hint Count the letters and try splitting the letters up into groups. Also known as Julius Caesar Box.
    ferrer95 ferrer95 18-21, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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