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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 38,852 People

    Two old Jewish guys are walking down the street.

    They pass a church. A sign on the church says "Convert with us, and we pay you $500." One of the guys says to his friend, "I could sure use the money. I'll go for it." His friend declines, and goes off. The first guy sees the priest and asks about this offer. "Yes," the priest...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    if christophe colomb was married there was no

    America right now! do u know why?? just imagine if he was married and he wanted to go travel! his wife: when do u want to go?? is there any woman with u?? where will u stop to rest?? why do u want to travel?? will u speak with women?? why did u pick ur expensive clothes??do u...
    1golenaz 1golenaz 18-21, F 3 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 34 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 115 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    A teenage boy had just passed his driving test

    and asked his father when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a...
    enriqueclasico enriqueclasico 26-30, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    3 broke college guys came up with a plan to

    drink for free at various jock/sports bars. one guy was carrying a summer sausage in his pocket, they would run up a tab at the bar and then one of the other guys would pretend to be blowing the guy holding the sausage, the idea was to get thrown out after having a few drinks...
    Mrperfectstranger Mrperfectstranger 51-55, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    A man walks into a bar

    and sees Vincent Van Gogh. "Can I get you a drink?" says the man. 'No thanks,' says Vincent, "I've got one 'ere."
    witsend99 witsend99 46-50, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    when god created man,

    he stared at him and said i really did a good job! then he created woman and stared at her and said oh!she isnt good!but its ok!she will use make up to become attractive!!! :p
    1golenaz 1golenaz 18-21, F 1 Response 17 hrs ago

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 69 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 38 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 47 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    teacher: can you see God?

    student: no teacher: can touch God? student: no teacher: then there isn't a God! (..... student raises their hands) student: sir can you see your brain? teacher: no student; can you touch your brain? teacher: no student: oh okaaaay.... so you don't have a brain?! ps. please...
    littleana littleana 18-21, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    What do you wash, peel,

    eat and throw a way?
    kerridwen kerridwen 41-45, F 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    So, I was driving down College Road the other

    day. As I went past one of the traffic cameras I saw it flash. Now, I knew I wasn't speeding and laughed that it took my picture. I turned around and drove past it again, almost 10MPH under the speed limit, it flashed at me again. I did this repeatedly and the last time I was at...
    DanCan1 DanCan1 56-60, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    convo boy: you are the funniest

    and the most beautiful girl i've ever meet! :) girl: you only wanna sleep with me... boy: wow! a smart too! ps. please say hi! :) to ilikepolarbears22 is the username thanks a lot :P
    littleana littleana 18-21, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 39 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 29 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 53 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    After 30 years of marriage,

    a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable...
    vector8 vector8 46-50, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a

    gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 13 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 22 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 34 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 52 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 58 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    A drunk husband arrives late at home.

    He knows his wife won't open the door, so he decides to pretend he bought her flowers & knocks at the door.. .. Wife: “Who is it ?” Husband: ”I got flowers for the pretty lady.” Wife opens the door, finds no flowers & says: “Where are the flowers ?” Husband in...
    karmameter karmameter 36-40, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    A few minutes before the church services

    started, the congregation were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the exits, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    During a good manners

    and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students: “If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?” Mike replies: “Wait a...
    DanCan1 DanCan1 56-60, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 157 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 29 Responses Aug 24

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    Two women are chatting in an office.

    Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?" Woman 2: "Yes." Woman 1: "Was it good?" Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How...
    livelaughlovedream3 livelaughlovedream3 41-45, F 19 Responses 2 days ago

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 77 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    Accept that sometimes you're the pigeon

    and sometimes the statue.
    witsend99 witsend99 46-50, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 64 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    The other day I saw a dog lying on the ground

    next to a man. "Does your dog bite?" I asked. "No" said the man. I reached over to stroke the dog, only to receive a nasty bite on my hand. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite..." I complained. To which he replied "That's not my dog".
    witsend99 witsend99 46-50, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    What is a word made up of 4 letters,

    yet is also made up of 3. Sometimes is written with 9 letters, and then with 4. Rarely consists of 6, and never is written with 5.
    RagnarLodbrok RagnarLodbrok 41-45, M 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    William Shakespeare gets drunk at the pub

    and causes a disturbance. The landlord throws him out, saying: 'Yer barred!'
    witsend99 witsend99 46-50, M 2 days ago

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    Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken

    fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    Q: why does the dead girl lie?

    A: cause she can't stand
    broadwaybabe99 broadwaybabe99 13-15, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 53 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 47 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    since the time immemorial no woman has ever

    uttered this word.. " i love living with my mother-in-law" LOL XXXD
    littleana littleana 18-21, F 4 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    IT'S THE VIAGRA A woman asks her husband at

    breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. “Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    He wants to do something different today.

    He was thinking today, he shall sit on the TV and watch the Sofa. :-D
    karmameter karmameter 36-40, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 50 Responses Mar 10

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 32 Responses May 10, 2011

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 112 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Marriage Two Husband: Sweetheart,

    would you say that I'm the only man you've ever loved?Wife: Of course you are. Why do all men ask me the same silly question?
    restored87 restored87 46-50, F 2 Responses 17 hrs ago

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    i hate when people see me at the supermarket

    and they are like "hey! what are you doing here?" an i'm just like "oh you know, hunting elephants" -_-
    littleana littleana 18-21, F 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 22 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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