Sheila,the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Michael.
"Michael,Michael " she yelled...
miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her.
Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, there were two motorcycles following her.
She shot up to 90 miles an hour.
The next time she looked around, there were three cops...
Brian invited his mother over for dinner.
During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep
noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was.
Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
Its very interesting and Educative. If:
A B C D E F G H I J K LM N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is equal to;
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
cover my head. This cap served no purpose. It was made not to just to cover my head. It was too bad that I always forgot to use it for that purpose, I'm forgetful anyway".
Whose side of the street are you on?
When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row.
Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat.
As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "YEAH BABY! THAT IS WHAT I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR!"
The man in the front row...
for Mary, his darling of ten glorious years. When she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot dead!
Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate, but since there weren't any lady eagles...
they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them...
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay...
A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
why did the chicken cross the road?
DONALD TRUMP: All Mexican chickens who wish to cross this road must submit to a complete background check, and full body search.
BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken...
asking why I didn't do something useful with my time. “Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me", she said and...
Too Many Buttons
A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.
who couldn't change colors?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
What did the black man say to his wife when he got home from work?
He said "Hi honey. I am home from work. How are you?" If you thought this was a racist joke then the joke is on you.
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
a incident that happened 45 years ago or so that I had forgotten. The comic books back then had this page selling things like: trick baseballs, itching powder, onion gum and X-RAY GLASSES. We had to get the x-ray glasses and of course they couldn't even see through a sheet of...
for a dinner and theatre evening. We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
and immediately catches a taxi in New York City. The cabbie says, "Perfect timing, you're just like Brian. "
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian...
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red
> sports car and
> was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a
> The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's
> license. She dug through her
> purse and was...
John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door."
John says, "Well, give me some examples."
Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down...
A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
and asks if they sell extra-large condoms. ‘Yes, we do,’ says the sales assistant. ‘Would you like to buy some?’ ‘No thanks,’ replies the woman. ‘But if you don’t mind, I’ll wait here for someone who does.’
This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral...
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
but as it is so funny and clever I have appealed its rejection. Fingers crossed for a positive outcome.
Enjoy the cover joke.
It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub. An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on...
accident and went into a deep coma.
After nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant.
Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied, "You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. However they were poorly at birth and had...
A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment
Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ?
NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can be President.
94 and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then...
A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
but whatever mr and mrs Ato were going to have twin boys they wanted unique names but had no clue where to start eventually they settled in naming the children pat and Tom
If you don't get it read below
Their names are pat-ato and tom-ato
JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous,
athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"
The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
"A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...