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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 46,842 People

    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 68 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 49 Responses Mar 10, 2014

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    My request is that pls read this

    and get your children also to read it. One young man went to apply for a managerial position in a big company. He passed the initial interview, and now would meet the director for the final interview. The director discovered from his CV that the youth's academic...
    Rosalindaag Rosalindaag 18-21, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 116 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    Ouch! I was out walking with my grandson.

    He picked up something off of the ground and started to put it in his mouth. I took the item away from him and I asked him not to do that. "Why?" my grandson asked. "Because it's been on the ground; you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs. Sometimes...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Best Aussie Joke Of The Year.

    Sheila,the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Michael. "Michael,Michael " she yelled...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 45 Responses Mar 27, 2013

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    Little Johnny, Billy

    and Tommy were walking home from school one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, they happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a woman was sunbathing in the nude. As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 22 hrs ago

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    Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting

    when the person across the aisle is reading it?
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 2 Responses 22 hrs ago

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    A blonde decides to do something crazy she

    hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the dirty movie store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating. She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 6 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 69 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 62 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    Did you hear about the dyslexic,

    agnostic, insomniac? He lay in bed all night wondering if there was a dog.
    PhlipipUK PhlipipUK 61-65, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 34 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 32 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    Little Jane comes home from her first day at

    school. Mommy says "Jane, how was your first day?" Jane says, " it was good Mommy, little johnny showed me his wee wee"! The mother gets somewhat upset at this revelation and asks, "Jane, so what did you think of that?" Jane says, "it reminded me of a peanut". The mother is now...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 2 Responses 17 hrs ago

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    A teacher said to Little Johnny: "When you get

    home tonight I want you to find out the first three letters of the alphabet by TOMORROW!!" So, the boy went home and said: "Mummy, whats the first letter of the alphabet?" Mum: NO!!! (She shouted "NO" because her nail polish spilt) The boy goes to his father and said: "Daddy...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 22 hrs ago

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    One day, the teacher walks into her classroom

    and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday. On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 22 hrs ago

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    Life Facts. These facts are irrefutable.

    Be careful . . . . . A wise person once said: 1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes. 2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 Response 9 hrs ago

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    Down from the hills came Emery Slick,

    the man that was born with a cork screw di*k He vowed & swore that he would hunt. a woman with a cork screw c*nt. He finally found her & took her to bed but the b***ch had a left hand thread!
    thumper15 thumper15 18-21, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 23 hrs ago

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 149 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 56 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    Don't have phone sex.

    ..you might get hearing aids :)
    thumper15 thumper15 18-21, F 2 Responses 1 hr ago

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 112 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    Three women are on death row in Utah (death

    penalty by firing squad) and about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready.....Aim....." Suddenly the...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 Response 22 hrs ago

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    A husband went to police station to report his

    missing wife..... Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home. Sergeant: What is her height? Husband : Oh, 5 something . . . Sergeant: Build? Husband : Not slim, not really fat. Sergeant: Color of eyes? Husband : Never noticed...
    undecided1129 undecided1129 18-21, F 6 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 58 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 53 Responses May 5, 2011

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 51-55, F 32 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    Johnny, where's your homework?

    " Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response. "Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?" "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 22 hrs ago

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    Note to 17 year old jock son Fire chief Johnson

    wants me to remind you microwave time s are seconds not minutes and minutes are not hours, also please butter you toast AFTER removing them from toaster Dad
    kajun1950 kajun1950 61-65, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 156 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    I only have 1 word to say to the women

    that look at me as a sex object!! Hellllloooo!!!
    Peeters1 Peeters1 46-50, M 1 day ago

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    Are all jokes some form of a riddle,

    or are riddles really a good joke?
    SkyllerRush SkyllerRush 16-17, M 2 Responses 7 hrs ago

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 48 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 52 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    Judge:Have you ever been cross-examined before?

    Accused:Many times,your honour.I'm a married man. Lol...
    teachocolate teachocolate 41-45, F 12 Responses 2 days ago

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 101 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    "dad, What Is Politics?"

    A little boy goes to see his Dad and asks, "Dad, What is politics?" His Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're...
    righteouschica righteouschica 18-21, F 21 Responses Sep 18, 2012

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 14 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    Despite the old saying,

    "Don't take your troubles to bed", many women still sleep with their husbands.
    2015ishere 2015ishere 36-40, F 4 Responses 23 hrs ago

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    CORN ALERT! Q: When is a good time to go to the

    dentist? A: 2:30 (tooth hurtie) ...you cant say you weren't WARNED..... ... .. . .
    jayciedubb jayciedubb 46-50, M 2 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    A man is complaining to a friend: “I had it

    all, money, a beautiful house, a nice car, a great motorcycle, the love of a beautiful woman. Then it was all gone!” “What happened?” asks the friend. “My wife found out!” replied the man.
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 1 day ago

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 53 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    Recipe for a perfect marriage 1.

    Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, and enjoy good food. I go on Tuesdays, she goes on Fridays. 2. We also sleep in separate beds. Her bed is in Chester and mine is in Liverpool. 3. I take my wife everywhere -- but she keeps finding her way...
    undecided1129 undecided1129 18-21, F 7 Responses 1 day ago

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    A blonde walked into the dentist office

    and sat down in a chair. The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 22 hrs ago

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    The teacher decided to see how many of the city

    kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sound. "Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked. Cindy put her hand up and said "Moooo!" "Very good" replied the teacher,"what sound does sheep make?" "Baaaa" answered...
    khenpal khenpal 51-55, M 1 day ago

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 34 Responses Aug 24, 2014

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 36-40 39 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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