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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 38,035 People

    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    On New Year's Eve, a woman stood up at a local

    pub and said it was time to get ready for the midnight countdown. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to stand next to the one person who made his life worth living. As the clock struck midnight, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 5 Responses 5 hrs ago

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    My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a

    divorce?" I responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house." He said, "So?" And I responded, "She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's house!"
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 Response 23 mins ago

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 32 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    I am just writing something

    for the 25 character requirement with every post.
    brittanyp1235 brittanyp1235 18-21, F 2 days ago

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    Why did the police officer smell?

    - Because he was on duty (pronounced doodee) lol.... My son just shared that one with me....you have to say it out loud....I laughed out loud....okay....is anyone else laughing? Lol....
    Pinky65 Pinky65 46-50, F 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 34 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 114 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    A woman asks the pharmacist

    if he sells extra-large condoms. The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy some?" The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys a box?"
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 2 Responses 4 hrs ago

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    I always look for a woman

    who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I’m thinking, okay, here’s a gal who’s capable of making a decision she’ll regret in the future.
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    A husband and wife are trying to set up a new

    password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 1 Response 25 mins ago

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 37 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    A man walks into a bar

    and orders a shot, then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another one. After he finishes, he looks into his pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and asks the man why he looks into his pocket before ordering each shot. The man replies, “I have...
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 1 Response 5 hrs ago

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    Why Men Are Never Depressed

    WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack... You can be President. You can...
    climber1 climber1 66-70, M 46 Responses Mar 19, 2013

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    An elderly married couple was at home watching

    TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the **** channel. The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For god's sake leave it on the **** channel. You already know how to fish!"
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 11 Responses 2 days ago

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 48 Responses Mar 10

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    Husband takes his wife to a Club.

    There's a guy on the dance floor living it large break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works. His wife turns to him and and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says:"Looks like he's still...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    Farmer John once lived on a quiet rural highway

    but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week. So Farmer John called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about all these...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 8 Responses 1 day ago

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 94 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    "why Don't You Please Shut Up??"

    "A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."The driver's wife is in the passenger seat kitting. Not looking up...
    valobasa4ever valobasa4ever 31-35, F 76 Responses Jan 20, 2013

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    jaffa70uk jaffa70uk 36-40, M 7 Responses 2 days ago

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    jaffa70uk jaffa70uk 36-40, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    In a Class, Teacher ask the students a

    question "Who should be considered as the Cruelest Villain"? Many students answered Terrorist, Politicians, Criminals, Child Abusers, etc Best Answer by a Student: One who kills the Wife and Cuts the hands of the Husband LOL
    wintersecret wintersecret 31-35, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 51 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 149 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    There are three kinds of people: Those

    who can count and those who can't.
    jaffa70uk jaffa70uk 36-40, M 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    Just been told the invisible man's at the

    door Told them that I can't see him
    LFCno1 LFCno1 22-25, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Cyber Sex Chat

    Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "Cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an...
    deleted deleted 26-30 53 Responses May 5, 2011

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    Always go to other people's funerals,

    or they won't go to yours.
    jaffa70uk jaffa70uk 36-40, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 39 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 32 Responses May 10, 2011

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 113 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 64 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 27 Responses 2 days ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 13 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    A man went to church one day

    and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!' The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.' The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put...
    MysticTraveler MysticTraveler 51-55, M 1 Response 17 hrs ago

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 70 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 156 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    jinna69 jinna69 31-35, F 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    Finish this Amish saying.

    .."You're as dumb as Johnson's colt, and it..."
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    There was a cajun duck Hunter

    who was a VERY good Hunter. Everyone knew he was good, but he wouldn't take anyone with him, except his dog Fido (spelled Phideaux). The local banker, the one that loaned him money for his house, asked him to take him hunting. The cajun said no. The banker asked, "You...
    jopava jopava 51-55, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Women have more imagination

    than men. They need it to tell men how wonderful they are. • Women have a number of faults. Men have only two – everything they say and everything they do. • A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 5 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    Sara was getting married soon.

    Curious to know more about marriage, she asked her mother some questions Sara: "Mom, What is the different between Newly Married Couple and Already longtime married couple"? Mom: Dear, its just the difference of "L" and "H". Sara: Confuse, What do u mean? Mom: Well my...
    wintersecret wintersecret 31-35, M 2 Responses 4 hrs ago

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 64 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    PAIR OF JOKES... A husband

    and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night

    before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit. She gets two shot glasses, fills one with water and the other with whiskey. After bringing him to the table that has the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says, "I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the...
    illusionlife illusionlife 36-40, F 5 hrs ago

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    THREE TREES AND A WOODPECKER Two tall trees,

    a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 14 mins ago

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    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 17 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 51 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 22 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Daily Joke 10-31-2006

    I start with a 'safe' joke about a blonde girl... (he thats me ;-) ) A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper...
    linda linda 21-25, F 37 Responses Oct 31, 2006

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    A man wasn’t feeling well

    so he went to the doctor. After examining him the doctor took his wife aside, and said, “your husband has a very sensitive heart. I am afraid he’s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 3 Responses 23 hrs ago

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 55 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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