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I Love Jokes And Riddles

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 43,044 People

    How To Lose Weight, For You Guys

    JENNY CRAIG FOR MEN A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign...
    hellimus hellimus 26-30, M 53 Responses Sep 16, 2012

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    Never Wax Your Hoo-ha

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on......... My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that...
    DEGBEME DEGBEME 61-65, M 156 Responses Feb 27, 2013

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    A wise person once said.

    1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes. 2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS...
    AgingGracefully AgingGracefully 51-55, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Wife: - I wish I was a newspaper -

    so I would be in your hands all day long. Husband: - I also wish that you were a newspaper, so I could have a new one every day.
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    A father passing by his son's bedroom,

    was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands... "Dear, Dad. It...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 31 Responses Aug 24

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    Anger Managment

    When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it...
    TheOneyouwerewarnedabout TheOneyouwerewarnedabout 70+ 40 Responses Aug 27, 2012

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    Hilarious one... A man dies

    and goes to hell????. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country??????????????????. He goes to the German hell and asks : "What do u do here?" He's told, "First they put you in an electric chair? for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails?? for...
    Angel763 Angel763 22-25, F 2 Responses 11 hrs ago

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    Counting... One, Two, Three....

    Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that...
    SaratogaGirl SaratogaGirl 26-30, F 54 Responses Jan 20, 2010

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    Mother to son: Who is Ttipu sultan ?

    son: Don't know. Mother: sometime give attention to study also Son to mother: who is chinku aunty? Mother: don't know; Son: sometime give attention to Dad also.
    poisonlady poisonlady 31-35 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower,

    shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That

    There was once this man who requested to see both heaven and hell before dying. So when he went to hell, he saw people sitting around a circle table with the food in the center trying to feed themselves with ten foot long chopsticks. They were all starving because of it. Then...
    iriseyes iriseyes 21-25, F 21 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Very Funny

    Someone passed this along to me and I just had to share it! HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN: Take off clothing and place it carefully in laundry hamper according to 'lights' and 'darks'. Walk to bathroom wearing long robe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas...
    KerriJ1970 KerriJ1970 41-45, F 56 Responses Sep 20, 2013

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    An Italian, a Scotsman,

    and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then...
    mzkayz mzkayz 31-35, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    The Man And The Cat

    A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast...
    CassiaDream CassiaDream 18-21, F 14 Responses Apr 24, 2013

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    Walmart Shopper

    After landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day ...... About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, decidedly unattractive, woman walked into the store along with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the...
    deleted deleted 26-30 112 Responses Sep 23, 2012

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    THE Blonde Joke to End All Blonde Jokes

    A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red > sports car and > was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a > blonde. > > The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's > license. She dug through her > purse and was...
    dasmuggler dasmuggler 36-40, M 150 Responses Jan 16, 2009

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    Never Assume That Men Understand.

    A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there...
    deleted deleted 26-30 116 Responses Dec 16, 2010

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    A man wants to get married

    and has to pick from three women. He give each $5,000. Three months later he asks what they did with it. The first one says, she spent it on luxuries. The second one says she saved it for him and gives it back to him. The third says she invested it wisely and made &45,000 and...
    barzins barzins 46-50, M 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    Linda's Daily Joke...........men Are Like.......

    Men Are Like... Men are like a deck of cards.... You need a heart to love them A Diamond to marry them A Club to beat them And a spade to bury the bastards
    linda linda 21-25, F 38 Responses Nov 3, 2006

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    The Prisoner Has Escaped!

    A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the...
    BhabeDel BhabeDel 41-45, F 48 Responses Sep 2, 2012

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    The Type Of Lover

    John and Jill were about to go into his apartment, and before he could open his door, Jill said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door." John says, "Well, give me some examples." Jill proceeds to tell him, "Well, the first way is, if a...
    1petitegreeneyes 1petitegreeneyes 46-50, F 54 Responses Aug 31, 2012

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    This Is Priceless

    I used to be like this... Then I met a girl... She was like this... Together, we were like this... I gave her gifts like this... When she accepted my proposal, I was like this... I used to talk to her all night like this.. And at the office I used to do this... When my friends...
    happinesswinsxx happinesswinsxx 41-45, F 61 Responses Apr 2, 2013

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    Cardiologist's Funeral

    This would be an acceptable reason to laugh at a funeral... A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital where he had worked for most of his life. A huge heart, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all...
    deleted deleted 26-30 69 Responses Oct 10, 2012

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    The Best Pick Up Line Ever

    A Scotsman walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, he gives her a quick glance, then , casually looks at his watch for a moment Now, the woman notices this, and asks him, Is your date running late ? NO he replies i just got this "state of the art" watch...
    ExtremeNext ExtremeNext 26-30, F 68 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    here's a joke what does miley Cyrus have

    for Christmas dinner ............ twerky ....... lol :D
    Alisha5751 Alisha5751 16-17 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    “It's just too hot to wear clothes today,

    ” Jack says as he stepped out of the shower. “Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?” “Probably that I married you for your money,” she replied.
    orgasmic27 orgasmic27 26-30, M 6 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    It was typical Bank Holiday weather,

    blowing a gale and ******* it down. I was struggling to put up the tent. And to top it all off, I've had two kids crying and screaming for their mummy. Sometimes I hate working for the Police Scientific Support Unit.
    mzkayz mzkayz 31-35, F 1 Response 23 hrs ago

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    Newton's law for cell phones: The longer you

    stare at phone before picking the call... The Bigger the lie you tell after picking it up..????
    Angel763 Angel763 22-25, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Q. What do you call a polar bear with ear muffs?

    A. Anything you want, he can’t hear you!
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 1 Response 12 hrs ago

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    Are My Testicles Black?

    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my...
    Wistina Wistina 22-25, F 37 Responses Oct 6, 2012

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    2 kinds of chromosomes can cause serious

    marital problems. . . . . . . . . "Ex" and "Why" ????????????????????
    Angel763 Angel763 22-25, F 7 Responses 1 day ago

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    Mr And Mrs. Obama And Oprah...

    Flying on Air Force One, Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy. Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills Out of the window and make ten people very...
    Helden Helden 31-35, F 18 Responses Dec 31, 2012

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    A guy asks his friend: - Have you talked to the

    hero, who has saved you mother-in-law from drowning in the river? - Yes I did. He came and apologised.
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 2 days ago

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    How many Americans does it take to change a

    light bulb ? None ! Americans don't change light bulbs. They let underpaid Mexicans do the job,
    Johndoe10000 Johndoe10000 46-50, M 1 Response 5 hrs ago

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    Late in the night he regained consciousness.

    Looking up at the ceiling from his gurney, he found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's' ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires coming from everywhere monitoring his every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    My Daily Joke...suspicious Mother

    Suspicious Mother Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 6, 2006

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    Daily Joke 11-1-2006

    Too Many Buttons A gentleman had a serious problem. He made several attempts to enter the men's washrooom, but found it to be occupied. A lady noticed that he was walking strangely, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face. "Sir," she...
    linda linda 21-25, F 33 Responses Nov 1, 2006

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    A Mature Lady

    A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please? Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one...
    darkice123 darkice123 36-40, M 100 Responses Sep 28, 2012

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    THE PARROT A young man named John received a

    parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and...
    Inexperienced3 Inexperienced3 51-55, M 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    Ms Vickie and Lady Louisiana are outside their

    nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Ms Vickie pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Arlene: What in the hell is that? Ms Vickie: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did...
    DanCan1 DanCan1 56-60, M 2 Responses 23 hrs ago

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    Before you criticise someone,

    walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you do criticise them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes.
    witsend99 witsend99 46-50, M 10 hrs ago

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    A young monk arrived at the monastery.

    He was assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He noticed, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 13 Responses 1 day ago

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    After death a man reached at heaven's gate.

    There he met St. Peter.... St. Peter: You have to answer a question after that you can enter. The man: What’s that? St. Peter : You have to spell a word. In case you fail, you will be taken to Hell. The man: Which word? St. Peter: “Love” The man: Okay, it’s “L-O...
    Aryg Aryg 36-40, F 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    Italy Vs. Greece

    A Greek and Italian were arguing over who had the superior culture. The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum." The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics" The Italian, nodding agreement, says...
    deleted deleted 26-30 34 Responses May 10, 2011

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so...
    tittickler tittickler 41-45, F 50 Responses Mar 10

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    Women are like roads.

    The more curves they have, the more dangerous they are.
    linda linda 21-25, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    My daughter told me this one: How many

    psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has to REALLY want to change. ;)~
    Babydoll42 Babydoll42 41-45, F 3 Responses 4 hrs ago

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    A blonde comes to driving practice test.

    She gets into the car and immediately the instructor says: - You have failed. Blonde: - But why, I have just got into the car. Instructor: - Yes, but you sat on the back seat.
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    A young businessman had just started his own

    firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made...
    lovingCuteSmartGirl lovingCuteSmartGirl 18-21, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Dear Dogs And Cats:

    The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing...
    bijouxbroussard bijouxbroussard 46-50, F 30 Responses Sep 25, 2011

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    The Irish Prostitute

    An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru...
    deleted deleted 26-30 64 Responses Jan 3, 2011

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