I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 3,233 People

    Grandmas Are Great

    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his grandmother asking him to send her acurrent photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in aNudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he...
    code091933 code091933
    46-50, M
    7 Responses Jun 1, 2013

    During a recent robbery in Hong Kong,

    the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. When a lady lay on the...
    deleted deleted
    4 Responses Aug 30, 2014

    WANT TO FEEL SMART? Question: If you could

    live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss...
    deleted deleted
    2 Responses Feb 15, 2016

    i watching to FOSTER BROOKS.

    i loved the way he act alike drunk person and picking on people.
    mkdpk mkdpk
    41-45, M
    1 Response Feb 14, 2016

    A man buys a lie detector robot w/c slaps people

    who lie. He decides 2 test it during dinner. DAD: Son, where were u 2day during school hrs? SON: @ School. Robot slaps son! SON: Ok, I lied, I went 2d movies. DAD: W/c one? SON: Toy Story. Robot slaps son again! SON: Ok, it was p0rn. DAD: What?! When I was your age, I didn't...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu
    70+, F
    3 Responses Dec 27, 2014

    The lady was a southern woman

    who attended church services and taught Sunday School every week. One Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said...
    hancockian hancockian
    70+, M
    Jan 1, 2016

    Einstein developed a theory about space,

    and it was about time too.
    deleted deleted
    2 Responses Jan 25, 2016

    AFRAID OF THE DARK A little boy was afraid of

    the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark." The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she...
    deleted deleted
    Feb 15, 2016

    An older lady was standing next to the railing

    on a cruise ship. She was using both hands to hold her hat onto her head so it wouldn't blow away. A gentleman approached the lady and said "Ma'am, I am sorry to bother you but the wind is blowing your dress up". The lady replied, "Sir, if I take my hands off of my hat it will...
    deleted deleted
    Mar 1, 2016

    A Man's Wish A man was sick

    and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in...
    robbie1280 robbie1280
    22-25, T
    1 Response Jun 10, 2014

    Your always there to catch me

    when I fall Thank you floor.
    Geekjunk Geekjunk
    18-21, M
    2 Responses Apr 13, 2015

    A girl from Tennessee shares a dorm with a girl

    from Georgia. The girl from Georgia says, "So where y'all from?" Girl from Tennessee says, "Don't you know you shouldn't end a sentence with a proposition?💁🏼" Girl from Georgia says, "So, where y'all from, c*nt?"
    WhyAmIOnHere WhyAmIOnHere
    18-21, M
    3 Responses Jan 16, 2016

    Politicians A busload of politicians were

    driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Nov 3, 2014

    The Husband Store! (Joke) A store

    that sells husbands has just opened in NewYork City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE ! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as...
    26-30, F
    2 Responses Nov 9, 2014

    A team of archaeologist are excavating in Israel

    when they find a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David on the wall. The head archaeologist points to the first drawing. "This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high esteem." he says. "The donkey shows...
    hancockian hancockian
    70+, M
    Jan 12, 2016

    Electric Fence / Lawn Mower

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll
    46-50, F
    11 Responses May 28, 2012

    A priest and a rabbi are walking past a school

    playground and the priest says to the rabbi.. "Want to screw some kids?" The rabbi responds: "Out of what?"
    TrevorThomson TrevorThomson
    31-35, M
    1 Response Mar 14, 2016

    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet
    36-40, F
    8 Responses Mar 11, 2013

    A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

    She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.She immediately moved to another seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.He seemed more amused.When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested...
    expressomarkie expressomarkie
    3 Responses May 7, 2015

    Him: I want to be with you the rest of my life.

    .. Me: Don´t you dare menace me...
    LadyHeartnMind LadyHeartnMind
    31-35, F
    2 Responses Jan 7, 2016

    A man received a message from his

    neighbor: Sorry Sir, I am using your wife day and night when you're not present at home. In fact,much more than you do. I confess this now because I'm feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. The man is down with heart attack. A few minutes later, he...
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet
    26-30, F
    5 Responses May 14, 2015

    A pastor and a taxi driver

    both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them. 'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver. The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a...
    deleted deleted
    2 Responses Feb 14, 2016

    Engineer In Hell An engineer dies

    and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build...
    fishsweeper fishsweeper
    56-60, F
    9 Responses Sep 11, 2014

    Getting fit and fab..

    .... (Photo)
    redtigerhood911 redtigerhood911
    26-30, F
    1 Response Aug 6, 2014

    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

    For the sake of civility,and to keep it from getting sunburn he put his hat over his privates. As a woman walked past she said to the man snickering " if you were a gentleman. You'd lift your hat" The man raised an eyebrow and calmly replied " if you weren't so ugly it would...
    deleted deleted
    16 Responses Jul 27, 2014

    NOAH IN THE 21ST CENTURY And we thought we had

    problems! If Noah had lived in the United States in the last ten years, the story may have gone something like this: And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you...
    deleted deleted
    1 Response Feb 15, 2016

    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...
    enchantingjade enchantingjade
    7 Responses Jul 20, 2012

    Recently a teacher, a garbage collector,

    and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They...
    deleted deleted
    1 Response Feb 14, 2016

    A girl at the bus top spotted a handsome man

    and without hesitation she told " I love you " Man placed his hand on her head: " this love and infatuation are nothing, go back to your home and study hard so that you can lead a successful life" Man then placed a piece of paper in her hand:" I have written some wisdom for...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09
    51-55, F
    4 Responses Dec 16, 2015

    Boy: wanna here a joke about my penis?

    ..never mind,it's too long ;) Girl: wanna hear a joke about my vagina?..doesnt matter,you'll never get it.
    Rachel282 Rachel282
    18-21, F
    4 Responses Jul 24, 2015

    Tragic fact: Every year hundreds of children

    are shipped off to mime school, never to be heard from again.
    deleted deleted
    1 Response Jan 25, 2016

    "How many MRA's does it take to screw in a

    lightbulb?" "Who's there?" "Uh, no, I'm not telling a knock-knock joke." "Yeah, but, did you know that knock-knock jokes also happen sometimes??"
    KatieW70 KatieW70
    46-50, F
    Jan 10, 2016

    Chad wasn't too happy with his doctor's

    recommendation to cure his constant fatigue. "You want me to give up sex completely, Doc?" he cried. "I'm a young guy. I'm in the prime of my life. How do you expect me to give up sex and go cold turkey?" "Well," replied the doctor, "you could get married and taper off...
    hancockian hancockian
    70+, M
    Feb 16, 2016

    A therapist has a theory

    that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members...
    hancockian hancockian
    70+, M
    1 Response Jan 29, 2016

    In honor of tonight's game.

    The Jewish Quarterback! The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a ringer who could ensure a...
    hancockian hancockian
    70+, M
    3 Responses Feb 7, 2016

    A Priest and a Minister

    and a Rabbi were having a discussion on how they split the collection money. The Priest says "I draw a circle a circle on the ground. Then I throw all the money up in the air and what falls in the circle I keep and rest I give to the Lord". The Minister says, "I draw a line in...
    johnny253 johnny253
    70+, M
    2 Responses Jan 27, 2016

    A teacher asks her class,

    "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then, Little Johnny...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu
    70+, F
    3 Responses Dec 24, 2014

    Chuck Norris sleeps with the lights on,

    because the darks afraid of him..
    deleted deleted
    4 Responses Dec 25, 2014

    If you're ever cold just stand in a corner.

    They're usually around 90 Degrees.
    deleted deleted
    4 Responses Dec 16, 2014

    wanna hear a pizza joke .

    ..nah its to cheesy
    JusAGirll12 JusAGirll12
    18-21, F
    1 Response Jan 2, 2016

    A distinguished young woman on a flight from

    Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through...
    hancockian hancockian
    70+, M
    1 Response Feb 12, 2016

    At midnight... wife's mobile phone beeps.

    Husband checks it and gets angry. He wakes his wife up. Husband: (angry) Who is this person saying "beautiful"? Surprised, wife checks her mobile phone. Wife: (very angry) Hey! Use your magnifying glass... "It's not beautiful... It's battery full!!" hahaha!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09
    51-55, F
    1 Response Dec 16, 2015

    For the Sexless Marriage Group

    Ok, now, if you're in a sexless marriage and wonder why, this will give you a clue! LOL Enjoy! Cheleanne   A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.     ...
    Cheleanne Cheleanne
    66-70, F
    9 Responses Nov 13, 2007

    Couple is having a quickie

    and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
    Toohottohandle1 Toohottohandle1
    36-40, F
    2 Responses Mar 26, 2014

    If there are 500 bricks on a plane

    and one fell off, how many bricks remain? 499. What are the three steps to put an elephant in a fridge? Open the fridge door, put the elephant in, close the fridge door. What are the four steps to put a giraffe in a fridge? Open the fridge door, take out the elephant, put...
    AReadingWriter AReadingWriter
    16-17, F
    3 Responses Mar 13, 2016

    This one is an absolute killer.

    Wife : Don't you have simple manners?......I'm speaking for hours and you keep yawning every minute. Husband : I'm not yawning... I'm trying to say something !!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09
    51-55, F
    3 Responses Oct 21, 2014

    A young son is standing outside of his wigwam

    with his Indian Chief father looking into the star filled sky. He says "Father, what keeps the earth from falling in space? His father looks down at his son and says, " The earth rides on a gigantic turtle". The son thinks for a moment and says, "But Father, what hold up the...
    johnny253 johnny253
    70+, M
    3 Responses Jan 9, 2016

    Ed found himself at the pearly gates.

    He asks St Peter, "Am I dead?" St Peter answers, "yes you are". Ed begins to break down. He says "no, I can't be dead! I have so much to live for! Please send me back!" St Peter paused for a minute then said, "I can send you back but only as a chicken" Ed asked, "Can you send me...
    deleted deleted
    3 Responses Oct 6, 2015
    Stich9 Stich9
    22-25, F
    1 Response Jan 4, 2016

    Marriage Counsellor

    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
    HardingP119 HardingP119
    36-40, M
    9 Responses Aug 24, 2013

    A secretary got an expensive pen

    as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce. The 'Thank You' email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09
    51-55, F
    4 Responses Aug 8, 2014

    For those of you who do not know,

    Dr. Kevorkian is best known for publicly championing a terminal patient's right to die via physician-assisted suicide. BUT do you know why Dr. Kevorkian gave up his practice?? He was losing his patience (or was that "patient's"...lol!!)
    LorenzoInLondon LorenzoInLondon
    Mar 19, 2016

    A big city, anti-gun lawyer went duck hunting

    in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into...
    hancockian hancockian
    70+, M
    2 Responses Jan 1, 2016

    My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well,

    I was amazed! I never thought they worked!
    Harryp0tter Harryp0tter
    16-17, F
    Jan 15, 2016

    A man was fleeing down the hall of a hospital

    just before his operation. "What's the matter?", he was asked. He said, "I heard the nurse say, "It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be alright."" "She was trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me, she was...
    Abhi007r Abhi007r
    16-17, M
    1 Response Feb 22, 2016

    A man escapes from prison

    where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu
    70+, F
    8 Responses Jan 1, 2015

    If you find resons to smile everyday,

    you don't need any medicine. But if you are smilling for no reasons, then you seriously need some medicine :D
    Adamsofeve Adamsofeve
    31-35, M
    Feb 8, 2016

    A married Irishman went into the confessional

    and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not...
    marmelade marmelade
    51-55, F
    6 Responses Feb 16, 2015

    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    deleted deleted
    3 Responses Jul 24, 2014

    A guy and his wife are sitting

    and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”
    KatieW70 KatieW70
    46-50, F
    1 Response Jan 8, 2016
More Stories