Italian woman for a few years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,
a man is going to jump off the building.
Up rushes good Irish cop to talk him down.
Cop yells up to the man "Don't jump! Think of your father"
Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump."
The copy goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister...
the human race,
God chose Adam for a chance at eternal life.
His desision made he shouted, as loud as he could 'Adam! Come forth and win eternal life without aging'
Unfortunately Adam came fifth and won a toaster
when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a...
and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in...
stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it; Fifty people swindled!” Fifty people swindled!
Curios, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey kid, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?”
The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out...
Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
ABCs and was very scared of reciting them in front of his class. He stood in front of the class trembling and began.
His teacher said, "Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P?
He replied, "It's running down my leg."
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
prayer that everyone knows.
Your receipt for attending Mass.
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher...
driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed...
A little boy wakes up during the night and walks into his parents room, and see's his mother bouncing up and down on top of his father.The parents stop and the mother quickly dismounts, pulling the covers around herself."What where you and daddy doing ?" the boy asks his mother...
A: Of course not. It's not even Catholic!
Q: Need an ark to save two of every animal?
A: I Noah guy.
Q: What do you call a Catholic service that is very very important?
A: Critical Mass.
Q: What kind of fun does a priest have?
A: Virgin Mobile.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Q: What do you call Pope Benedict XVI after his last day?
A: Ex Benedict.
If Eve sacrificed the human race for an apple, What would she for a Klondike bar?
Q: How can you tell if...
boy and meet the priest?
A: a holy ****
Q: Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands.
Q: What did the nun say to the swiss cheese?
A: "I'm holier than you"
What do you call a place rich in gold and poor in spirituality?
Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl and they're both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you.
Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he...
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his grandmother asking him to send her acurrent photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in aNudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he...
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard".
Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided...
The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?"
Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter?
A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand.
Q: Why was Noah the best businessman in the Bible?
A: He floated his stock while everybody else was being liquidated.
and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
study and says, " I've got to tell you this. I'm 50 years old and for the thirty years I've been married I never cheated on my wife. Then this sweet thing moved in next door and since then.....wow!"
"How long has it been since your last Confession ?" asks the priest.
SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
WANDA: I died of a...
and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next...
and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. The Pharmacist asks, "What size?"
to which the man replies, "I'm not exactly sure." The pharmacist grabs something from under the counter and hands it to the man, "Well, take this board with holes, go to the bathroom and the hole...
Ok, now, if you're in a sexless marriage and wonder why, this will give you a clue! LOL
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady...
that the orangutan was reading two books - the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.
Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?"
"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her...
If **** happens, it's not really ****.
If **** happens, it's the will of Allah.
**** happens because you don't work hard enough.
Why does this **** always happen to us?
This **** happened before.
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one...
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?”
Five small voices answered in unison...
safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention...
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three would wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch.The engaged...
....and Ms. Smith asked him this question....
"Little Johnny...there are 3 Pigeons sitting on a fence post..if I shot one of them, how many would be left"?
"NONE, said Little Johnny".
"None"? How do you figure that", said Ms. Smith..
"Well, Ms. Smith...If you shot one of...
A: Well, it's nun of your business.
Q: What is Jesus' favourite pop song of all time?
A: I can feel it in my fingers.
Q: What is Jesus' favourite pop song of all time?
A: I can feel it in my fingers.
Q: How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb...
party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. "Don't let me spoil a good time for you," she said. After further discussion, the husband put...
If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.
The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.
If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
who lived next door to an atheist
There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist.
Every day, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her.
He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God...
"Turbo Tuesday." Tuesday is the most boring goddam day of the week, because it's not Monday where you're fresh off from the weekend, it's not Wednesday which is Hump Day, it's not Thursday which has something to look forward to, and it's not Friday or the goddam weekend. Tuesday...
sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood. To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally". On their way back home, a bag of...
girls will play
There are 3 fundamental truths about religion:
Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God,
Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ,
and Baptists don't recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights.
Billy: 'My wife got me to...
1. Whenever i find the Key to Success, someone changes the lock.
2. The road to success is always under Construction
3. In order to get a loan, You first need to Prove that you don't need it
4. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or Married ;)