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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,460 People

    The Norse god Thor decided to become a mortal

    for a while and went down to earth. He met a beautiful girl and they spent the evening together. In the morning Thor decided to reveal his identity to the woman. "I'm Thor" he said. "You're thor!" she said, "Lithen buthter, I'm tho thor I can hardly thit down!"
    RagnarLodbrok RagnarLodbrok 41-45, M 2 Responses 6 days ago

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    School starts in one day!

    Yay! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahaha... No. :P please help, I really don't want to go back. I'd rather have my soul taken from my body than go back. :(
    Faiithh Faiithh 16-17, F 1 Response Sep 1

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    A bear walks into a bar in Baraboo

    and orders a beer. The bartender says," We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo." The bear demands he be served a beer. The bartender again tells him," We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo." The bear, very angry now, says, "Serve me a beer or I'll eat...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses 5 days ago

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    What did the right breast say to the left

    breast? If we keep hanging around here all the time people will think that we are nuts!
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 6 days ago

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    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...
    enchantingjade enchantingjade 36-40 11 Responses Jul 20, 2012

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    A wealthy man was having an affair with an

    Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he...
    mguinm mguinm 41-45, F 14 Responses Jul 19

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    A Man's Wish A man was sick

    and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in...
    robbie1280 robbie1280 18-21, M 1 Response Jun 10

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    Getting fit and fab..

    .... (Photo)
    Zoren047 Zoren047 22-25, F Aug 6

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    In Heaven, two ladies talk to each other:

    SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a...
    Scaramooch Scaramooch 46-50, M 13 Responses May 15

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    A 90 year old man said to his doctor,

    "I´ve never felt better, I have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?" The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his shotgun...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 3 Responses Sep 4

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    WaterOx WaterOx 41-45, M 1 Response 3 hrs ago

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    Little Johnny

    The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny,a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said. 'Very good...
    belover0069 belover0069 22-25, F 45 Responses Oct 1, 2012

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    Couple is having a quickie

    and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
    Toohottohandle1 Toohottohandle1 31-35, F 3 Responses Mar 26

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    Before And After Marriage

    Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three would wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch.The engaged...
    deleted deleted 26-30 7 Responses Oct 1, 2011

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    A secretary got an expensive pen

    as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce. The 'Thank You' email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 7 Responses Aug 8

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    Escaped Convict

    Escaped convict A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her...
    pmurillo pmurillo 26-30, F 6 Responses Sep 30, 2013

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    A man went to the Police Station wishing to

    speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses a week ago

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    A group of kindergarten children were on a

    class outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," answered the policeman. "Well," wondered...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Sep 3

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    I love jokes. A 92 year old man goes to his

    doctor and asks for a prescription for Viagra. The doctor says, you are 92 years old, your wife died two years ago, you live in a bungalow on your own What do you need the Viagra for. The man replied. "It will stop me peeing in my slippers".
    Lindop69 Lindop69 66-70, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

    For the sake of civility,and to keep it from getting sunburn he put his hat over his privates. As a woman walked past she said to the man snickering " if you were a gentleman. You'd lift your hat" The man raised an eyebrow and calmly replied " if you weren't so ugly it would...
    Daisyellenrose Daisyellenrose 13-15, F 12 Responses Jul 27

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    A helicopter was flying around above Seattle

    when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Mar 29

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 11 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    The teenage boy enjoyed going fishing early in

    the morning at the near-by creek. There was this older lady that liked fishing at the same creek. The boy noticed the lady always caught fish, while some days he didn't. So he asked for her secret. She told him, "Every morning, when I get up, I look at my husband's member. If...
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 1 Response Sep 6

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    A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a

    deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl and they're both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman...
    calliecassidy calliecassidy 22-25, F 6 Responses Jul 16

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      GHOST SEX A professor at the Auburn

    University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?' About 90 students raise their hands. Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a...
    wintersecret wintersecret 31-35, M 1 Response Sep 8

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    so there was this old man sun bathing in the

    nude, he was reading his newspaper and saw a little girl walking towards him, he quickly covered himself so as not to embarrass himself or the little girl. As she walked up to him, she asked what was underneath the newspaper, the old man hastily replied that it was his little...
    DracovNasser DracovNasser 18-21, M Sep 8

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    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
    Sadie14 Sadie14 18-21, F 12 Responses Jul 3

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    REST YOUR MIND I know you have been laying

    awake at night wondering why baby diapers have Brand names such as 'luvs, huggies, and pampers, while undergarments for old people are called Depends. Well here is the low down on the whole thing. When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and...
    Gettingout72 Gettingout72 41-45, F 5 Responses Sep 6

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    Too much Coffee You know you're drinking too

    much coffee when... You answer the door before people knock. Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. You ski uphill. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse. You lick your coffeepot clean. You're the employee of the...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Sep 9

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    Marriage Counsellor

    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
    HardingP119 HardingP119 36-40, M 11 Responses Aug 24, 2013

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    Funny Ultimate Truths:

    1. Whenever i find the Key to Success, someone changes the lock. 2. The road to success is always under Construction 3. In order to get a loan, You first need to Prove that you don't need it 4. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or Married ;) 5...
    traveller139 traveller139 22-25, M 7 Responses Jan 28, 2013

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    Once there were two girls

    who went up to heaven. In heaven, God has duck ponds and if you step on a duck, you get chained to the most annoying, ugliest, most obnoxious person you have ever met. So the two girls were walking along the duck ponds in heaven, bragging that they haven't steppe don a duck. All...
    GetYourFreakOn GetYourFreakOn 16-17, F 3 Responses 5 days ago

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    THE FACTS OF LIFE The 2 most common elements

    in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 1 Response Sep 9

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    Popping the question Jimmie,

    an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jun 17

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    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Grandmas Are Great

    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his grandmother asking him to send her acurrent photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in aNudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he...
    code091933 code091933 46-50, M 7 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Just had a parcel from Holland,

    when I opened it, it was a rubber fanny! I thought, that's nice. two lips from Amsterdam !!!!!!
    Bullitt147 Bullitt147 41-45, M a week ago

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    A trucker who has been out on the road

    for two months, stopped on a brothel walk straight to the madam and drop off $500 sayin' "give me the ugliest woman you have and grilled cheese garlic. The madam was astonished "but sir with your money you can have the prettiest woman here available and a 3 course meal. Then...
    UOLAUC UOLAUC 22-25, F 4 Responses 3 days ago

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    While working in a clothing store,

    I noticed that people had no shame about returning items that obviously had been worn. One rainy morning I walked in and found a discolored blazer hanging on the rack with other returns. "People return the most filthy, nasty things," I commented to my supervisor who was standing...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    deleted deleted 26-30 5 Responses Jul 24

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    Self Defense During a practical exercise at a

    military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self- defense. After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, "What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Sep 5

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    Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons.

    One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 26

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    During a recent robbery in Hong Kong,

    the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. When a lady lay on the...
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 9 Responses Aug 30

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    "Sunday Morning Sex" Upon hearing

    that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on...
    xalian xalian 41-45, M 6 Responses May 27

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    Electric Fence / Lawn Mower

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
    Babydoll42 Babydoll42 41-45, F 12 Responses May 28, 2012

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    What did the right testicle say to the left

    testicle? Why are we hanged when the middle guy is the guilty one?
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 6 days ago

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    My friends and I have this running joke called

    "Turbo Tuesday." Tuesday is the most boring goddam day of the week, because it's not Monday where you're fresh off from the weekend, it's not Wednesday which is Hump Day, it's not Thursday which has something to look forward to, and it's not Friday or the goddam weekend. Tuesday...
    BlueMetalChick BlueMetalChick 18-21, F 6 Responses Mar 25

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    littleana littleana 18-21, F 1 day ago

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    A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo

    safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 27

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    A famous Viking explorer returned home from a

    voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
    RagnarLodbrok RagnarLodbrok 41-45, M 6 days ago

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    The teacher asked Jimmy,

    "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today! lafs :D
    UOLAUC UOLAUC 22-25, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    A man is sat in a bar

    when a blonde woman walks in. Excuse me lady would you like to hear my blonde joke? The man says Listen mister came the reply I may have blonde hair but I'm 6 feet 2 inches, weigh 20 stone and am the female British boxing champion. Now my friend over there who also has blonde...
    jason230868 jason230868 36-40, M 1 day ago

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    RagnarLodbrok RagnarLodbrok 41-45, M 4 days ago

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