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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 3,072 People

    After gunning his BMW the wrong way down a

    one-way street, the rather intoxicated young man was asked where he thought he was going by a curious police officer. “I’m not really sure,” confessed the drunk, “but wherever it is, I must be late, because everybody seems to be coming back already.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 11

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    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
    Sadie14 Sadie14 18-21, F 20 Responses Jul 3, 2014

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    Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were

    having coffee in St. Peter's Square.The first Catholic man tells his friends,"My son is a priest. When he walks intoa room, everyone calls him 'Father'."The second Catholic man chirps,"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."The third Catholic...
    postNIRVANA postNIRVANA 18-21, M 6 Responses Apr 20

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    During a recent robbery in Hong Kong,

    the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. When a lady lay on the...
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 7 Responses Aug 30, 2014

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    hotpinkthong70 hotpinkthong70 41-45, M 2 Responses Jul 25

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    What do you call mixed emotions?

    Your mother-in-law driving off a cliff in your car
    KatnissGranger KatnissGranger 18-21, F 1 Response Jul 12

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    A lady approaches her priest

    and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed...
    deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses Dec 5, 2014

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    LowercaseN LowercaseN 41-45, M 1 Response Jul 20

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    “I’m not sexist – I’m not!

    That’s why I let my female workers work longer than the men so they can make the same money.”
    deleted deleted 26-30 Jul 11

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    My wife accused me of being immature.

    I told her to get out from my fort.
    deleted deleted 26-30 1 Response Jul 21

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    A man escapes from prison

    where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 7 Responses Jan 1

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    A married Irishman went into the confessional

    and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not...
    marmelade marmelade 51-55, F 6 Responses Feb 16

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    A man was checking his itemised lawyers bill.

    One item read:- Spotted you across the street. Crossed over to discuss a legal point in your case. When I got there it was not you after all. 20 dollars
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M Jul 19

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    “When my wife and I argue,

    we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits.”
    deleted deleted 26-30 1 Response Jul 11

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    IchBinDeutsch IchBinDeutsch 13-15, M 3 Responses 1 hr ago

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    A panda walks into a restaurant,

    sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells...
    Longpatrol90 Longpatrol90 22-25, M 3 Responses Jul 8

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    Grandmas Are Great

    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his grandmother asking him to send her acurrent photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in aNudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he...
    code091933 code091933 46-50, M 8 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Knock, knock Who's there?

    Robin Robin who? Robin you! So hand over your cash. Lol
    hotpinkthong70 hotpinkthong70 41-45, M Jul 25

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    A mathematician, an accountant

    and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 9

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    Electric Fence / Lawn Mower

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 46-50, F 11 Responses May 28, 2012

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    Once upon a Time there was this African Chief.

    This chief ruled for many years and was loved by his Subjects. As time went on, the throne he was sitting on became worn and weak and he decided he'd need a new. So he had his subjects build a new and better throne. However, being a sentimental King, he hated to get rid of the...
    johnny253 johnny253 66-70, M Jul 22

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    Math is like sex you add a bed Subtract the

    clothes Divide the legs And hope that you won't multiply
    Miki828 Miki828 16-17, M 5 days ago

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    Art and Barb are an elderly couple

    who have been married for 35 years. While laying in bed together one night, Barb says "Art, I remember how we once held hands when we were courting". Art then reached across the bed, held her hand for a few seconds, then rolled over to go to sleep. A couple minutes passed, then...
    cbcs cbcs 31-35, M 2 Responses 14 hrs ago

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    Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed

    every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.
    deleted deleted 26-30 1 Response Jul 21

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    A Man's Wish A man was sick

    and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in...
    robbie1280 robbie1280 18-21, T 2 Responses Jun 10, 2014

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    A teacher asks her class,

    "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then, Little Johnny...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 4 Responses Dec 24, 2014

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    Little red riding hood set out to see her

    grandmother one day. Her mother said watch out for the big bad wolf, if he catches you he will pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and **** your little red socks off. Little red riding hood says oh no he won't, cause I've got my little red gun. She...
    Starsatnight1 Starsatnight1 26-30, F 1 day ago

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    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

    For the sake of civility,and to keep it from getting sunburn he put his hat over his privates. As a woman walked past she said to the man snickering " if you were a gentleman. You'd lift your hat" The man raised an eyebrow and calmly replied " if you weren't so ugly it would...
    Ridingtonewyork Ridingtonewyork 16-17, F 16 Responses Jul 27, 2014

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    A woman walked up to a little old man rocking

    in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 1 Response Jul 20

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    This one is an absolute killer.

    Wife : Don't you have simple manners?......I'm speaking for hours and you keep yawning every minute. Husband : I'm not yawning... I'm trying to say something !!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Oct 21, 2014

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    I'm Wholly convinced some women don't fart.

    They just hold it in and it comes out as drama. Haha
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 1 Response Jul 16

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    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Jul 24, 2014

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    Chuck Norris sleeps with the lights on,

    because the darks afraid of him..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 5 Responses Dec 25, 2014

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    For the Sexless Marriage Group

    Ok, now, if you're in a sexless marriage and wonder why, this will give you a clue! LOL Enjoy! Cheleanne   A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.     ...
    Cheleanne Cheleanne 66-70, F 9 Responses Nov 13, 2007

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    At a girl's college dormitory,

    dates were permitted only on Saturday night. One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady immediately. "I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother." :) He said with...
    Aryg Aryg 36-40, F 4 Responses Jul 20

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    So there this psychic mystic doing a show

    and in walks this clown ( splat ) big pie right in her face and the clown says if you can really see the future why didn't you duck
    BrynDavid BrynDavid 31-35, M Jul 13

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    Q: Why did the boy throw butter out the window?

    A: Because he wanted to see a butterfly.
    hotpinkthong70 hotpinkthong70 41-45, M 1 Response Jul 25

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    Police Officer: "How high are you?

    " Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Dec 26, 2014

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    Getting fit and fab..

    .... (Photo)
    redtigerhood911 redtigerhood911 22-25, F 1 Response Aug 6, 2014

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    Murphy the Drunk "Young man,

    " said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!" "I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 25

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    A man buys a lie detector robot w/c slaps people

    who lie. He decides 2 test it during dinner. DAD: Son, where were u 2day during school hrs? SON: @ School. Robot slaps son! SON: Ok, I lied, I went 2d movies. DAD: W/c one? SON: Toy Story. Robot slaps son again! SON: Ok, it was p0rn. DAD: What?! When I was your age, I didn't...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 5 Responses Dec 27, 2014

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    A horse walks into a bar,

    and the barman says "why the long face?"
    James1169 James1169 51-55, M Jul 5

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    A man received a message from his

    neighbor: Sorry Sir, I am using your wife day and night when you're not present at home. In fact,much more than you do. I confess this now because I'm feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. The man is down with heart attack. A few minutes later, he...
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 5 Responses May 14

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    Boy: wanna here a joke about my penis?

    ..never mind,it's too long ;) Girl: wanna hear a joke about my vagina?..doesnt matter,you'll never get it.
    Rachel282 Rachel282 18-21, F 5 Responses Jul 24

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    Joke- The Redhead A man is dining in a fancy

    restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs...
    mguinm mguinm 41-45, F 11 Responses Mar 7

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    Marriage Counsellor

    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
    HardingP119 HardingP119 36-40, M 11 Responses Aug 24, 2013

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    Engineer In Hell An engineer dies

    and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build...