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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 3,070 People

    I'm Wholly convinced some women don't fart.

    They just hold it in and it comes out as drama. Haha
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 1 Response Jul 16

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    Police Officer: "How high are you?

    " Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Dec 26, 2014

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    This woman stands in the middle of the living

    room says to husband Da da be honest what do you think? he reply honestly love i think you blocking the TV set move
    BrynDavid BrynDavid 31-35, M Jul 11

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    A mathematician, an accountant

    and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 9

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    My wife accused me of being immature.

    I told her to get out from my fort.
    deleted deleted 26-30 1 Response Jul 21

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    A taxi passenger taps the driver on the

    shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jul 12

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    A man escapes from prison

    where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 7 Responses Jan 1

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    Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed

    every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.
    deleted deleted 26-30 1 Response Jul 21

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    Couple is having a quickie

    and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
    Toohottohandle1 Toohottohandle1 36-40, F 3 Responses Mar 26, 2014

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    hotpinkthong70 hotpinkthong70 41-45, M 2 Responses Jul 25

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    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...
    enchantingjade enchantingjade 36-40 12 Responses Jul 20, 2012

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    The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the

    wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone...
    GJOFJ3 GJOFJ3 56-60, M 7 Responses Jul 5

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    Art and Barb are an elderly couple

    who have been married for 35 years. While laying in bed together one night, Barb says "Art, I remember how we once held hands when we were courting". Art then reached across the bed, held her hand for a few seconds, then rolled over to go to sleep. A couple minutes passed, then...
    cbcs cbcs 31-35, M 2 Responses 7 hrs ago

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    Chuck Norris sleeps with the lights on,

    because the darks afraid of him..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 5 Responses Dec 25, 2014

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    So there this psychic mystic doing a show

    and in walks this clown ( splat ) big pie right in her face and the clown says if you can really see the future why didn't you duck
    BrynDavid BrynDavid 31-35, M Jul 13

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    Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were

    having coffee in St. Peter's Square.The first Catholic man tells his friends,"My son is a priest. When he walks intoa room, everyone calls him 'Father'."The second Catholic man chirps,"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."The third Catholic...
    postNIRVANA postNIRVANA 18-21, M 6 Responses Apr 20

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    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
    Sadie14 Sadie14 18-21, F 20 Responses Jul 3, 2014

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    Q: What did one chair say to another chair?

    A: "Here comes another a**hole."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 17

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    Boy: wanna here a joke about my penis?

    ..never mind,it's too long ;) Girl: wanna hear a joke about my vagina?..doesnt matter,you'll never get it.
    Rachel282 Rachel282 18-21, F 5 Responses Jul 24

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 10 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    For the Sexless Marriage Group

    Ok, now, if you're in a sexless marriage and wonder why, this will give you a clue! LOL Enjoy! Cheleanne   A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.     ...
    Cheleanne Cheleanne 66-70, F 9 Responses Nov 13, 2007

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    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

    For the sake of civility,and to keep it from getting sunburn he put his hat over his privates. As a woman walked past she said to the man snickering " if you were a gentleman. You'd lift your hat" The man raised an eyebrow and calmly replied " if you weren't so ugly it would...
    Ridingtonewyork Ridingtonewyork 16-17, F 16 Responses Jul 27, 2014

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    A married Irishman went into the confessional

    and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not...
    marmelade marmelade 51-55, F 6 Responses Feb 16

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    A man was checking his itemised lawyers bill.

    One item read:- Spotted you across the street. Crossed over to discuss a legal point in your case. When I got there it was not you after all. 20 dollars
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M Jul 19

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    “When my wife and I argue,

    we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits.”
    deleted deleted 26-30 1 Response Jul 11

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    If you're ever cold just stand in a corner.

    They're usually around 90 Degrees.
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 5 Responses Dec 16, 2014

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    What do you call mixed emotions?

    Your mother-in-law driving off a cliff in your car
    KatnissGranger KatnissGranger 18-21, F 1 Response Jul 12

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    Math is like sex you add a bed Subtract the

    clothes Divide the legs And hope that you won't multiply
    Miki828 Miki828 16-17, M 4 days ago

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    Grandmas Are Great

    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his grandmother asking him to send her acurrent photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in aNudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he...
    code091933 code091933 46-50, M 8 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Knock, knock Who's there?

    Robin Robin who? Robin you! So hand over your cash. Lol
    hotpinkthong70 hotpinkthong70 41-45, M Jul 25

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    A lady approaches her priest

    and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed...
    deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses Dec 5, 2014

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    A secretary got an expensive pen

    as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce. The 'Thank You' email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Aug 8, 2014

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    Once upon a Time there was this African Chief.

    This chief ruled for many years and was loved by his Subjects. As time went on, the throne he was sitting on became worn and weak and he decided he'd need a new. So he had his subjects build a new and better throne. However, being a sentimental King, he hated to get rid of the...
    johnny253 johnny253 66-70, M Jul 22

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    Q: Why do skeletons play the piano in church?

    A: Because they don't have any organs.
    hotpinkthong70 hotpinkthong70 41-45, M 1 Response Jul 25

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    At a girl's college dormitory,

    dates were permitted only on Saturday night. One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady immediately. "I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother." :) He said with...
    Aryg Aryg 36-40, F 4 Responses Jul 20

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    Electric Fence / Lawn Mower

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 46-50, F 11 Responses May 28, 2012

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    A teacher asks her class,

    "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then, Little Johnny...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 4 Responses Dec 24, 2014

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    Little red riding hood set out to see her

    grandmother one day. Her mother said watch out for the big bad wolf, if he catches you he will pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and **** your little red socks off. Little red riding hood says oh no he won't, cause I've got my little red gun. She...
    Starsatnight1 Starsatnight1 26-30, F 23 hrs ago

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    A man buys a lie detector robot w/c slaps people

    who lie. He decides 2 test it during dinner. DAD: Son, where were u 2day during school hrs? SON: @ School. Robot slaps son! SON: Ok, I lied, I went 2d movies. DAD: W/c one? SON: Toy Story. Robot slaps son again! SON: Ok, it was p0rn. DAD: What?! When I was your age, I didn't...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 5 Responses Dec 27, 2014

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    Engineer In Hell An engineer dies

    and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build...
    fishsweeper fishsweeper 56-60, F 13 Responses Sep 11, 2014

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    LowercaseN LowercaseN 41-45, M 1 Response Jul 20

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    A horse walks into a bar,

    and the barman says "why the long face?"
    James1169 James1169 51-55, M Jul 5

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    Your always there to catch me

    when I fall Thank you floor.
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 2 Responses Apr 13

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    A panda walks into a restaurant,

    sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells...
    Longpatrol90 Longpatrol90 22-25, M 3 Responses Jul 8

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    Murphy the Drunk "Young man,

    " said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!" "I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 25

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    Q: Why did the boy throw butter out the window?

    A: Because he wanted to see a butterfly.
    hotpinkthong70 hotpinkthong70 41-45, M 1 Response Jul 25

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    A man received a message from his

    neighbor: Sorry Sir, I am using your wife day and night when you're not present at home. In fact,much more than you do. I confess this now because I'm feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. The man is down with heart attack. A few minutes later, he...