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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,410 People

    A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a

    Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away. He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy...
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 1 Response 21 hrs ago

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    The teacher asked Jimmy,

    "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'" :0
    friendjazzy friendjazzy 22-25, F 1 Response 20 hrs ago

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    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
    Sadie14 Sadie14 18-21, F 12 Responses Jul 3

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    "What are you doing, man?

    You can't drink that stuff!" "Relax," replied his co-worker, "this stuff tastes pretty good, and I don't drink it all the time." "Seriously," the mechanic exclaimed, "that brake fluid is poison!" "Hey, man" yelled the co-worker, "back off! I can stop any time I want."
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 1 day ago

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    My friends and I have this running joke called

    "Turbo Tuesday." Tuesday is the most boring goddam day of the week, because it's not Monday where you're fresh off from the weekend, it's not Wednesday which is Hump Day, it's not Thursday which has something to look forward to, and it's not Friday or the goddam weekend. Tuesday...
    BlueMetalChick BlueMetalChick 18-21, F 6 Responses Mar 25

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    Marriage Counsellor

    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
    HardingP119 HardingP119 36-40, M 10 Responses Aug 24, 2013

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    In the backwoods of Arkansas,

    Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night. The doctor was called in to assist in the delivery. To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was...
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 1 day ago

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    A scientist invented a lie detector,

    which he brought home for a test run. At the dinner table, Scientist: Son, sit down and eat dinner with me. Son sits down. Scientist: Where were you today at school hours? Son: I was in school studying, Dad. *slap* Son: Okay, I was at the library. *slap* Son: Alright! I was at...
    Artz4Life Artz4Life 16-17, F 14 hrs ago

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    Funny Ultimate Truths:

    1. Whenever i find the Key to Success, someone changes the lock. 2. The road to success is always under Construction 3. In order to get a loan, You first need to Prove that you don't need it 4. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or Married ;) 5...
    traveller139 traveller139 22-25, M 7 Responses Jan 28, 2013

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    Roses are red that much is true,

    ,,,,, but violets are purple not f-king blue.
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 4 days ago

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    Electric Fence / Lawn Mower

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
    Babydoll42 Babydoll42 41-45, F 12 Responses May 28, 2012

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    Fireman Costume

    Man goes to a fancy dress party, wearing only a glass jar on his penis.A woman asks "What are you?"He says "I'm a fireman""But you're only wearing a glass jar?",says the woman"Exactly!","In an emergency, break glass, pull knob, and I'll come as fast as I can"he replies.
    CazieM CazieM 26-30, F 6 Responses Aug 30, 2012

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    Man enters a drugstore

    and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. The Pharmacist asks, "What size?" to which the man replies, "I'm not exactly sure." The pharmacist grabs something from under the counter and hands it to the man, "Well, take this board with holes, go to the bathroom and the hole...
    Ed360 Ed360 41-45, F 4 Responses Jun 3

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    Signs You're Not In College Anymore: -- You no

    longer know what time fast food drive-thru windows close. -- Your potted plants stay alive. -- You pay at least a dollar more than the minimum payment on your credit card bill. -- Your friends' hook-ups and break-ups are now marriages and divorces. -- You attend parties that...
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 23 hrs ago

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    A dentist, an electrician,

    and a carpenter decide to play a practical joke their best friend on his wedding night. "I'll loosen some joints on his bed so it collapses when he's making love," says the carpenter. "I'll hot wire his mattress so they'll feel immense heat while making love," says the...
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    A man gets on a bus,

    and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver...
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 1 Response 21 hrs ago

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    Signs That Your Drunk: -- You lose arguments

    with inanimate objects. -- You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the Earth. -- Your job starts to interfere with your drinking. -- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. -- You fall off the floor. --That damn pink elephant followed you home...
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 23 hrs ago

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    A vagina is like the weather.

    Once its wet, it's time to go inside
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 4 days ago

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    Q: What do you call a bunch of white guys

    sitting on a bench? A: The NBA.
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 4 days ago

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    A secretary got an expensive pen

    as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce. The 'Thank You' email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 5 Responses Aug 8

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    Escaped Convict

    Escaped convict A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her...
    pmurillo pmurillo 26-30, F 6 Responses Sep 30, 2013

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    One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause,

    "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 4 days ago

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    Q: have you ever smell moth balls?

    2nd Q: how you get their little legs apart!
    jenni88 jenni88 18-21, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Getting fit and fab..

    .... (Photo)
    Zorenjb Zorenjb 22-25, F Aug 6

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    Q: How do you know if your boyfriend has a high

    ***** count? A: You have to chew before you swallow!
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 4 days ago

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    A vagina is like the weather.

    Once its wet, it's time to go inside
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 4 days ago

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    Before And After Marriage

    Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three would wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch.The engaged...
    deleted deleted 26-30 7 Responses Oct 1, 2011

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    For the Sexless Marriage Group

    Ok, now, if you're in a sexless marriage and wonder why, this will give you a clue! LOL Enjoy! Cheleanne   A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.     ...
    Cheleanne Cheleanne 66-70, F 10 Responses Nov 13, 2007

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    Q: How do you eat a squirrel?

    A: You spread its little legs.
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 4 days ago

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    "Sunday Morning Sex" Upon hearing

    that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on...
    xalian xalian 41-45, M 6 Responses May 27

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    A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a

    deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl and they're both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman...
    calliecassidy calliecassidy 22-25, F 5 Responses Jul 16

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    do u know wht hot dogs are made of,

    ???? lips and a$$ holes
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 4 days ago

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 10 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    Roses are red. Nuts are round.

    Skirts go up. Panties go down. Belly to belly. Skin to skin. When it's stiff, stick it in.
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 4 days ago

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    Grandmas Are Great

    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his grandmother asking him to send her acurrent photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in aNudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he...
    code091933 code091933 46-50, M 8 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    A maid want her salary raise!

    Lady boss: can you give me 3 reason why I raise your salary? 1. Maid: I cook better than you! Lady boss: who told you that? Maid: your husband Lady boss: okay! 2 maid: I can iron better than you! Lady boss: how did you know that? Maid: your hubby told me! Lady boss: okay...
    JEEZ19 JEEZ19 41-45, F 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    Bob in New York Mark Painted his first picture

    and he decided to take it to the gallery. When he showed it to the men who was there, the men simply said. -It's very very nice. What is the name of such a masterpiece - It's "Bob in New York The men looked at the painting again -And who is this women in the picture? - Well that...
    MayaMoonShadow MayaMoonShadow 16-17, F 1 day ago

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    A new guy in town walks into a bar

    and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?" "Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money." "What are the three tests?" asks the man "Gotta pay first." So the...
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    There was a church that had a bell

    that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job. One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and...
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 1 Response 22 hrs ago

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    Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons.

    One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 26

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    In Heaven, two ladies talk to each other:

    SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a...
    Scaramooch Scaramooch 46-50, M 11 Responses May 15

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    During a recent robbery in Hong Kong,

    the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. When a lady lay on the...
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    happinesslieswithin happinesslieswithin 18-21, F 5 Responses Jul 24

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    Skinny = anorexic , thick = obese ,

    virgin = too good , non-virgin = s--t , friendly = fake , quiet = rude. You can never please society.
    devdom devdom 46-50, M 5 Responses May 20

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    A helicopter was flying around above Seattle

    when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Mar 29

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    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 1 Response 4 days ago

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    jenni88 jenni88 18-21, F 7 Responses 4 days ago

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    Little Johnny

    The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny,a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said. 'Very good...
    belover0069 belover0069 22-25, F 45 Responses Oct 1, 2012

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    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

    For the sake of civility,and to keep it from getting sunburn he put his hat over his privates. As a woman walked past she said to the man snickering " if you were a gentleman. You'd lift your hat" The man raised an eyebrow and calmly replied " if you weren't so ugly it would...
    Daisyellenrose Daisyellenrose 13-15, F 14 Responses Jul 27

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    Little Black Dress

    A blond drops off her black dress at the cleaners.On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says "Come Again"The blond replies, "No it's toothpaste this time you nosy *****"
    CazieM CazieM 26-30, F 2 Responses Jul 19, 2012

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    The three wise men visit Joseph

    and Mary in the stable to see the newborn son. One extremely tall wise man hits his head on the door frame and exclaims, "Jesus Christ!" Joseph looks at Mary and says, "Write that down -- that's better than Clyde."
    GeneralRose GeneralRose 18-21, F 21 hrs ago

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    Popping the question Jimmie,

    an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jun 17

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    Q: What's the difference between a penis

    and a bonus? A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 4 days ago

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    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...