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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,264 People

    "Lizard Birth" This Is Hilarious!

    If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    Religious **** Taoism **** happens.

    Buddhism If **** happens, it's not really ****. Islam If **** happens, it's the will of Allah. Protestantism **** happens because you don't work hard enough. Judaism Why does this **** always happen to us? Hinduism This **** happened before. Catholicism...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 5 days ago

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    What is the difference between Stress,

    Tension & Panic Stress is when your wife is pregnant Tension is when your girl friend is pregnant And Panic is when both are pregnant :p
    bloomish bloomish 22-25, F 1 Response Jun 13

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    Bathtub Anxieties Previous Next A little boy

    and a little girl are in the bathtub together. The little girl looks down at the boy and asks, "Can I touch it?" He answers, "No way -- you already broke yours off!"
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 4 Responses 5 days ago

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    Escaped Convict

    Escaped convict A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her...
    pmurillo pmurillo 26-30, F 6 Responses Sep 30, 2013

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    An elderly couple who were childhood

    sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood. To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally". On their way back home, a bag of...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses May 21

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    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
    Sadie14 Sadie14 18-21, F 8 Responses Jul 3

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    Birdman Previous Next Little girl: "Why

    does your son say, 'Cluck, cluck, cluck?'" Mother: "Because he thinks he's a chicken." Little girl: "Why don't you tell him he's not a chicken?" Mother: "We need the eggs."
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 Response 5 days ago

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    Confession An old man bursts into a priest's

    study and says, " I've got to tell you this. I'm 50 years old and for the thirty years I've been married I never cheated on my wife. Then this sweet thing moved in next door and since then.....wow!" "How long has it been since your last Confession ?" asks the priest. "I've...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 Response 5 days ago

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    Marriage Counsellor

    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
    HardingP119 HardingP119 36-40, M 10 Responses Aug 24, 2013

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    Couple is having a quickie

    and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
    Toohottohandle1 Toohottohandle1 31-35, F 3 Responses Mar 26

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 10 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    My friends and I have this running joke called

    "Turbo Tuesday." Tuesday is the most boring goddam day of the week, because it's not Monday where you're fresh off from the weekend, it's not Wednesday which is Hump Day, it's not Thursday which has something to look forward to, and it's not Friday or the goddam weekend. Tuesday...
    BlueMetalChick BlueMetalChick 18-21, F 5 Responses Mar 25

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    Red Lamp A little boy was listening to a long

    and excessively boring sermon in church. Suddenly his eye the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye. Tugging his father's sleeve, he said, "Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?"
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 5 days ago

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    Man enters a drugstore

    and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. The Pharmacist asks, "What size?" to which the man replies, "I'm not exactly sure." The pharmacist grabs something from under the counter and hands it to the man, "Well, take this board with holes, go to the bathroom and the hole...
    Ed360 Ed360 41-45, F 4 Responses Jun 3

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    A married couple was invited to a Halloween

    party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. "Don't let me spoil a good time for you," she said. After further discussion, the husband put...
    jaynick15 jaynick15 13-15, F 1 Response 6 days ago

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    Little Johnny

    The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny,a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said. 'Very good...
    belover0069 belover0069 22-25, F 47 Responses Oct 1, 2012

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    Adam & Eve Of all the people in the whole of

    the human race, God chose Adam for a chance at eternal life. His desision made he shouted, as loud as he could 'Adam! Come forth and win eternal life without aging' Unfortunately Adam came fifth and won a toaster
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 5 days ago

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    Q: Did you hear about all the drama down at the

    convent? A: Well, it's nun of your business. Q: What is Jesus' favourite pop song of all time? A: I can feel it in my fingers. Q: What is Jesus' favourite pop song of all time? A: I can feel it in my fingers. Q: How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 5 days ago

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    Little Black Dress

    A blond drops off her black dress at the cleaners.On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says "Come Again"The blond replies, "No it's toothpaste this time you nosy *****"
    CazieM CazieM 26-30, F 2 Responses Jul 19, 2012

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    Catholic Terminology AMEN The only part of a

    prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN Your receipt for attending Mass. CHOIR A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync. HOLY WATER A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. HYMN A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 5 days ago

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    A Man's Wish A man was sick

    and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in...
    robbie1280 robbie1280 18-21, M Jun 10

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    Drinking and Driving An Irish priest is

    driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest, fingers crossed...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 Response 5 days ago

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    A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a

    deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl and they're both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman...
    calliecassidy calliecassidy 22-25, F 5 Responses a week ago

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    A sadist, a masochist,

    a murderer, a necrophiliac, a zoophiliac and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. "Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophiliac. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it?" says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then...
    smokeyboat2 smokeyboat2 70+, M 4 Responses Apr 12

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    A rabbi, a priest and a minister walk into a

    bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, a joke?" Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter? A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand. Q: Why was Noah the best businessman in the Bible? A: He floated his stock while everybody else was being liquidated. Q...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 5 days ago

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    Neighbors A Christian lady

    who lived next door to an atheist There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Every day, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 Response 5 days ago

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    Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons.

    One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 26

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    When the nuns are away the catholic school

    girls will play There are 3 fundamental truths about religion: Jews don't recognize Jesus as the Son of God, Protestants don't recognize the Pope as the Vicar of Christ, and Baptists don't recognize each other at the bar on Saturday nights. Billy: 'My wife got me to...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 5 days ago

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    In Heaven, two ladies talk to each other:

    SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a...
    Scaramooch Scaramooch 46-50, M 7 Responses May 15

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    Grandmas Are Great

    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his grandmother asking him to send her acurrent photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in aNudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he...
    code091933 code091933 46-50, M 8 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Before And After Marriage

    Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three would wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch.The engaged...
    deleted deleted 26-30 7 Responses Oct 1, 2011

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    A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo

    safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 27

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    My ars must be the pope

    because I smell like holy sh--!
    fifteenyearslost fifteenyearslost 36-40, M 1 Response Jul 14

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    Popping the question Jimmie,

    an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jun 17

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      Next Wilfred had just learned his

    ABCs and was very scared of reciting them in front of his class. He stood in front of the class trembling and began. "ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ." His teacher said, "Very good, Wilfred. But you forgot the P. Where's the P? He replied, "It's running down my leg."
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 5 days ago

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    For the Sexless Marriage Group

    Ok, now, if you're in a sexless marriage and wonder why, this will give you a clue! LOL Enjoy! Cheleanne   A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.     ...
    Cheleanne Cheleanne 66-70, F 10 Responses Nov 13, 2007

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    What's for supper? This guy was watching TV

    as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper. Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses a week ago

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    A helicopter was flying around above Seattle

    when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Mar 29

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    Tummy Trouble

    A little boy wakes up during the night and walks into his parents room, and see's his mother bouncing up and down on top of his father.The parents stop and the mother quickly dismounts, pulling the covers around herself."What where you and daddy doing ?" the boy asks his mother...
    CazieM CazieM 26-30, F 2 Responses Aug 28, 2012

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    Sitting by the window of her convent,

    Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture. As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below. Quickly, she...
    Rusham Rusham 66-70, M 1 Response Jul 13

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    A newsboy was standing on the corner with a

    stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it; Fifty people swindled!” Fifty people swindled! Curios, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey kid, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?” The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 1 Response Jul 13

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    Electric Fence / Lawn Mower

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
    Babydoll42 Babydoll42 41-45, F 11 Responses May 28, 2012

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    Little Johnny was in Math Class.

    ....and Ms. Smith asked him this question.... "Little Johnny...there are 3 Pigeons sitting on a fence post..if I shot one of them, how many would be left"? "NONE, said Little Johnny". "None"? How do you figure that", said Ms. Smith.. "Well, Ms. Smith...If you shot one of...
    Davido57 Davido57 56-60, M 4 Responses May 29

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    Sending your kid to catholic school is the

    easiest way to guarantee your kid will not be catholic Who needs a doctor, when your Catholic priest can check your prostate for free. Rain rain go away catholic school girls wants to play If god hates gays then why did he create them? If money is the root of all evil...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 Response 5 days ago

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    Q: Does light have mass?

    A: Of course not. It's not even Catholic! Q: Need an ark to save two of every animal? A: I Noah guy. Q: What do you call a Catholic service that is very very important? A: Critical Mass. Q: What kind of fun does a priest have? A: Nun.
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 5 days ago

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    A wealthy man was having an affair with an

    Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he...
    mguinm mguinm 41-45, F 4 Responses 4 days ago

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    Fly in My Soup Atheist: What’s this fly

    doing in my soup? Waiter: Praying. Atheist: Very funny. I can’t eat this. Take it back. Waiter: You see? The fly’s prayers were answered.
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 5 days ago

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    Q: What do you get when you dress like an altar

    boy and meet the priest? A: a holy **** Q: Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms? A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands. Q: What did the nun say to the swiss cheese? A: "I'm holier than you" What do you call a place rich in gold and poor in spirituality? "The...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 5 days ago

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    I'm Gonna Jump In New York City,

    a man is going to jump off the building. Up rushes good Irish cop to talk him down. Cop yells up to the man "Don't jump! Think of your father" Man replies "Haven't got a father; I'm going to jump." The copy goes through a list of relatives, mother, brothers, sister...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 5 days ago

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    Gassy Granny An old lady goes to the doctor

    and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!" The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 8 Responses Jul 1

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    Q: What do you call a detective from the

    reformation? A: Martin Sleuther Q: Why can't Anglicans play chess? A: Because they can't tell a Bishop from a Queen. Q: Why did the priest giggle? A: Mass hysteria! Q: What's a priest's favorite food? A: Holy cheese
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 5 days ago

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    The Toy

    The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. “Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?” Five small voices answered in unison...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 1, 2013

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