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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,313 People

    ACTUAL PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS: ON A HAIRDRYER:

    *Do not use while sleeping. ON A BAG OF FRITOS: *You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: *Directions: Use like regular soap. FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION: *Defrost. ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: *Fits one...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Heavanly Help A terrible flood hit a small

    town, sending the rescue units out. It just so happened that a devoutley religioius woman lived in this town when the flood hit, and she sat down to wait for God to save her. When the first rescue boat came in the worker called for her to come out but she just shook her head...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 day ago

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    Little Johnny

    The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny,a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said. 'Very good...
    belover0069 belover0069 22-25, F 47 Responses Oct 1, 2012

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    My friends and I have this running joke called

    "Turbo Tuesday." Tuesday is the most boring goddam day of the week, because it's not Monday where you're fresh off from the weekend, it's not Wednesday which is Hump Day, it's not Thursday which has something to look forward to, and it's not Friday or the goddam weekend. Tuesday...
    BlueMetalChick BlueMetalChick 18-21, F 5 Responses Mar 25

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    Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons.

    One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 26

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    Heaven Help Us Three men die

    and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter asks them each one question: "How many times have you cheated on your wife?" The first one answers "Never!" St. Peter checks the books, discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 day ago

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    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
    Sadie14 Sadie14 18-21, F 9 Responses Jul 3

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    In Heaven, two ladies talk to each other:

    SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a...
    Scaramooch Scaramooch 46-50, M 8 Responses May 15

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    Q: Have you heard the one about the lesbian

    that took Viagra? A: She couldn’t get her tongue back in her mouth for a month!
    petergriffin61 petergriffin61 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    A Man's Wish A man was sick

    and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in...
    robbie1280 robbie1280 18-21, M Jun 10

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    Q: How do you know if your boyfriend has a high

    ***** count? A: You have to chew before you swallow!
    petergriffin61 petergriffin61 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    Roses are red that much is true,

    ,,,,, but violets are purple not f-king blue.
    petergriffin61 petergriffin61 18-21, M 1 Response 8 hrs ago

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    FBI Want-Ads The FBI puts an Ad in the

    newspaper, "Wanted FBI agents." After sorting through all the applicants they narrow it down to three. They bring the first in for an interview and the interviewing agent says to the gentleman, "We are the FBI, we solemnly do the duty of the country and always put the country...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Escaped Convict

    Escaped convict A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her...
    pmurillo pmurillo 26-30, F 6 Responses Sep 30, 2013

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    petergriffin61 petergriffin61 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    Couple is having a quickie

    and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
    Toohottohandle1 Toohottohandle1 31-35, F 3 Responses Mar 26

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    Q: What’s the difference between you

    and eggs? A: Eggs get laid and you don’t
    petergriffin61 petergriffin61 18-21, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Grandmas Are Great

    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his grandmother asking him to send her acurrent photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in aNudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he...
    code091933 code091933 46-50, M 8 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Fireman Costume

    Man goes to a fancy dress party, wearing only a glass jar on his penis.A woman asks "What are you?"He says "I'm a fireman""But you're only wearing a glass jar?",says the woman"Exactly!","In an emergency, break glass, pull knob, and I'll come as fast as I can"he replies.
    CazieM CazieM 26-30, F 6 Responses Aug 30, 2012

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    Q: What did Boy George say to Micheal Jackson?

    A: "You Beat It, and I'll comma comma
    petergriffin61 petergriffin61 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    Four Kids There were

    once four kids, Poop, Shut Up, Manners, and Trouble. Poop was riding his bike and fell. Manners went to help him up. Trouble got lost. Shut Up goes to the Police Station. Officer: What's your name? Shut Up: Shut Up. Officer: What's your name? Shut Up: Shut Up. Officer...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 day ago

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    Q: How do you eat a squirrel?

    A: You spread its little legs.
    petergriffin61 petergriffin61 18-21, M 1 Response 8 hrs ago

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    Marriage Counsellor

    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
    HardingP119 HardingP119 36-40, M 10 Responses Aug 24, 2013

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    The little boy greeted his grandmother with a

    hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear?" she asked. The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    "Sunday Morning Sex" Upon hearing

    that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on...
    xalian xalian 41-45, M 5 Responses May 27

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    A helicopter was flying around above Seattle

    when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Mar 29

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    For the Sexless Marriage Group

    Ok, now, if you're in a sexless marriage and wonder why, this will give you a clue! LOL Enjoy! Cheleanne   A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.     ...
    Cheleanne Cheleanne 66-70, F 10 Responses Nov 13, 2007

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    Q: What do you call a bunch of white guys

    sitting on a bench? A: The NBA.
    petergriffin61 petergriffin61 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    Electric Fence / Lawn Mower

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
    Babydoll42 Babydoll42 41-45, F 11 Responses May 28, 2012

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    Roses are red. Nuts are round.

    Skirts go up. Panties go down. Belly to belly. Skin to skin. When it's stiff, stick it in.
    petergriffin61 petergriffin61 18-21, M 1 Response 9 hrs ago

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    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

    For the sake of civility,and to keep it from getting sunburn he put his hat over his privates. As a woman walked past she said to the man snickering " if you were a gentleman. You'd lift your hat" The man raised an eyebrow and calmly replied " if you weren't so ugly it would...
    Daisyellenrose Daisyellenrose 13-15, F 15 Responses 5 days ago

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    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    happinesslieswithin happinesslieswithin 18-21, F 4 Responses Jul 24

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    A wealthy man was having an affair with an

    Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he...
    GuinSin GuinSin 41-45, F 8 Responses Jul 19

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    A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a

    deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl and they're both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman...
    calliecassidy calliecassidy 22-25, F 5 Responses Jul 16

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    Camping with Sherlock Holmes Sherlock Holmes

    and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see!" "I see millions of stars," Watson said. "What does that tell you...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Popping the question Jimmie,

    an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jun 17

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    petergriffin61 petergriffin61 18-21, M 2 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    petergriffin61 petergriffin61 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    petergriffin61 petergriffin61 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    A sadist, a masochist,

    a murderer, a necrophiliac, a zoophiliac and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. "Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophiliac. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it?" says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then...
    smokeyboat2 smokeyboat2 70+, M 4 Responses Apr 12

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    Before And After Marriage

    Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three would wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch.The engaged...
    deleted deleted 26-30 7 Responses Oct 1, 2011

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    Tummy Trouble

    A little boy wakes up during the night and walks into his parents room, and see's his mother bouncing up and down on top of his father.The parents stop and the mother quickly dismounts, pulling the covers around herself."What where you and daddy doing ?" the boy asks his mother...
    CazieM CazieM 26-30, F 2 Responses Aug 28, 2012

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    Little Black Dress

    A blond drops off her black dress at the cleaners.On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says "Come Again"The blond replies, "No it's toothpaste this time you nosy *****"
    CazieM CazieM 26-30, F 2 Responses Jul 19, 2012

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    Q: What do you call an teacher

    who touches up his students? A: a PDF File.
    petergriffin61 petergriffin61 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    Mom: If a boy touches your breast you say

    "don't" and if he touches your pu$$y you say "stop"? Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don’t stop"
    petergriffin61 petergriffin61 18-21, M 1 Response 9 hrs ago

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    A Chicago man in hell.

    A Chicago man dies and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says "sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here." The man says, "No problem. I'm from Chicago." So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 10 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    Funny Ultimate Truths:

    1. Whenever i find the Key to Success, someone changes the lock. 2. The road to success is always under Construction 3. In order to get a loan, You first need to Prove that you don't need it 4. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or Married ;) 5...
    traveller139 traveller139 22-25, M 8 Responses Jan 28, 2013

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    Room in Hell A self-centered,

    unbelieving man... ok a lawyer... died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said. In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Two Scottish nuns go to America Two Scottish

    nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 day ago

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    A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo

    safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 27

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    One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause,

    "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
    petergriffin61 petergriffin61 18-21, M 2 Responses 8 hrs ago

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    petergriffin61 petergriffin61 18-21, M 2 days ago

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