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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,306 People

    What Gauge A woman goes into a sporting

    goods store to buy a shotgun. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 10 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    A helicopter was flying around above Seattle

    when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Mar 29

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    Popping the question Jimmie,

    an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jun 17

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    Fireman Costume

    Man goes to a fancy dress party, wearing only a glass jar on his penis.A woman asks "What are you?"He says "I'm a fireman""But you're only wearing a glass jar?",says the woman"Exactly!","In an emergency, break glass, pull knob, and I'll come as fast as I can"he replies.
    CazieM CazieM 26-30, F 6 Responses Aug 30, 2012

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    Reflections on Life George Carlin's

    Reflections on Life: 1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. 2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. 3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape. 4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. 5...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Application to date my daughter NOTE: This

    application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. NAME______________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________ HEIGHT____________ WEIGHT_____________...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Marriage Counsellor

    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
    HardingP119 HardingP119 36-40, M 10 Responses Aug 24, 2013

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    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...
    enchantingjade enchantingjade 36-40 10 Responses Jul 20, 2012

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    Time Served A woman awoke during the night

    to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Naked Mower "It's just to hot to wear

    clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money."
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    What's the definition of a pessimist?

    A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 2 days ago

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    Charles was getting annoyed

    and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late." "Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a

    deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl and they're both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman...
    calliecassidy calliecassidy 22-25, F 5 Responses Jul 16

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    Halloween party A married couple was invited

    to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. "Don't let me spoil a good time for you," she said. After further discussion...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 2 days ago

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    An Irishman had no idea his wife was having an

    affair, so he was mad with grief when coming home early one day he surprised her and her lover in the act. He grabbed a pistol and pointed it at his head, which made his wife burst out laughing. "What do you think you're laughing at," he cried, "you're next."
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    A Cynics Guide to Life: The journey of a

    thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and... Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American

    announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it. From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 2 days ago

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    Mother Knows Best John invited his mother

    over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Q: What is the difference between a drunk

    and a stoner at a stop sign? A: The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green! Q: What do you call a stoner when horny? A: A weed wacker! Q: What do you call a bunch of mexican stoners? A: Baked Beans. Q: How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo

    safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 27

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    Two Americans are talking.

    One asks: "What's the difference between capitalism and communism?" "That's easy" says the other one. "In capitalism man exploits man! In communism it is the other way around!"
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 2 days ago

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    Tummy Trouble

    A little boy wakes up during the night and walks into his parents room, and see's his mother bouncing up and down on top of his father.The parents stop and the mother quickly dismounts, pulling the covers around herself."What where you and daddy doing ?" the boy asks his mother...
    CazieM CazieM 26-30, F 2 Responses Aug 28, 2012

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    Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons.

    One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 26

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    In Heaven, two ladies talk to each other:

    SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a...
    Scaramooch Scaramooch 46-50, M 7 Responses May 15

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    My friends and I have this running joke called

    "Turbo Tuesday." Tuesday is the most boring goddam day of the week, because it's not Monday where you're fresh off from the weekend, it's not Wednesday which is Hump Day, it's not Thursday which has something to look forward to, and it's not Friday or the goddam weekend. Tuesday...
    BlueMetalChick BlueMetalChick 18-21, F 5 Responses Mar 25

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    A Scots boy came home from school

    and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 2 days ago

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    A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up

    his tatties (a Scots word for potatoes). An American farmer looked over the fence and said "In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!" The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!"
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 2 days ago

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    Super Long Classic! Dear Tech Support: I

    am writing this letter as a last resort. Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    A Man's Wish A man was sick

    and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in...
    robbie1280 robbie1280 18-21, M Jun 10

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    Electric Fence / Lawn Mower

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
    Babydoll42 Babydoll42 41-45, F 11 Responses May 28, 2012

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    There was an Scotsman,

    an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Q: What did the stoners girlfriend say?

    A: If I can't marry a dude, i'll Mary Jane Q: What do you call money that grows on trees? A: Marijuana Q: What do get when you soak a spliff in Vodka? A: The Holy Spirit!
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 3 days ago

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    Five Englishmen boarded a train just behind

    five Scots, who, as a group had only purchased one ticket. Just before the conductor came through, all the Scots piled into the toilet stall at the back of the car. As the conductor passed the stall, he knocked and called"Tickets, please!" and one of the Scots slid a ticket...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 2 days ago

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    Housewife One day a man came home from work

    to find total chaos in the house. The kids were laying outside in the mud, still in their pajamas, and empty food boxes were on the kitchen counter. When he opened the door, he found an even bigger mess: dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    The sweet kiss! There was a couple involved

    in a very bad car accident. The wife's face was badly burned. The doctors said they could take the burnt skin and replace it with extra skin. The woman's husband gladly allowed the doctors to use some skin from his behind. The woman healed beautifully and ask her husband if...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 2 days ago

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    Man enters a drugstore

    and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. The Pharmacist asks, "What size?" to which the man replies, "I'm not exactly sure." The pharmacist grabs something from under the counter and hands it to the man, "Well, take this board with holes, go to the bathroom and the hole...
    Ed360 Ed360 41-45, F 4 Responses Jun 3

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    If a sin to be beautiful/ handsome.

    Don't worry you're innocent... Haha
    onionheart16 onionheart16 26-30, F 2 Responses 17 mins ago

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    Escaped Convict

    Escaped convict A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her...
    pmurillo pmurillo 26-30, F 6 Responses Sep 30, 2013

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    Dominated Spouses Standing at the pearly

    gates of heaven, Albert noticed pointing to two paths. One was marked "Women" and the other marked "Men". He took the path assigned to men and then came upon two more gates. The right-hand gate had a sign that read "Men Who Were Dominated By Their Spouses"; the other gate...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 2 days ago

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    An English man, Irishman

    and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free". Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,"..yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 2 days ago

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    The woman was in bed with her lover

    and had just told him how stupid her Irish husband was when the door was thrown open and there stood her husband. He glared at her lover and bellowed, "What are you doing?" "There," said the wife, "didn't I tell you he was stupid?"
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 2 days ago

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    Before And After Marriage

    Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three would wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch.The engaged...
    deleted deleted 26-30 7 Responses Oct 1, 2011

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    Housewife One day a man came home from work

    to find total chaos in the house. The kids were laying outside in the mud, still in their pajamas, and empty food boxes were on the kitchen counter. When he opened the door, he found an even bigger mess: dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 2 days ago

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    Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a

    rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Couple is having a quickie

    and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
    Toohottohandle1 Toohottohandle1 31-35, F 3 Responses Mar 26

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    For the Sexless Marriage Group

    Ok, now, if you're in a sexless marriage and wonder why, this will give you a clue! LOL Enjoy! Cheleanne   A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.     ...
    Cheleanne Cheleanne 66-70, F 10 Responses Nov 13, 2007

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    Little Black Dress

    A blond drops off her black dress at the cleaners.On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says "Come Again"The blond replies, "No it's toothpaste this time you nosy *****"
    CazieM CazieM 26-30, F 2 Responses Jul 19, 2012

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    Little Johnny

    The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny,a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said. 'Very good...
    belover0069 belover0069 22-25, F 47 Responses Oct 1, 2012

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    Funny Ultimate Truths:

    1. Whenever i find the Key to Success, someone changes the lock. 2. The road to success is always under Construction 3. In order to get a loan, You first need to Prove that you don't need it 4. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or Married ;) 5...
    traveller139 traveller139 22-25, M 8 Responses Jan 28, 2013

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    "Sunday Morning Sex" Upon hearing

    that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on...
    xalian xalian 41-45, M 5 Responses May 27

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    A sadist, a masochist,

    a murderer, a necrophiliac, a zoophiliac and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. "Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophiliac. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it?" says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then...
    smokeyboat2 smokeyboat2 70+, M 4 Responses Apr 12

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    Grandmas Are Great

    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his grandmother asking him to send her acurrent photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in aNudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he...
    code091933 code091933 46-50, M 8 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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