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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 3,164 People

    A husband and wife are trying to set up a new

    password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
    Hojan Hojan 41-45, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    A man called 999 and said,

    'I think my wife is dead.' The operator asked, 'How do you know?' The man said, 'The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up ..'
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 8 Responses Aug 26

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    I found an old return ticket in my pocket the

    other day. It took me back.
    Hojan Hojan 41-45, M Aug 27

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    A teacher is teaching a class

    and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two...
    Hojan Hojan 41-45, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

    While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya...
    PAL15 PAL15 26-30, M 3 Responses Aug 26

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    You heard the joke abt tge pencil?

    ?........ Actually it has no point to it!!
    Avreich Avreich 22-25, M 2 days ago

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    There I was , sitting at the bar ,

    staring at my drink , when a large biker steps up next to me , grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig . Well what ya gonna do about it ? He says to me menacingly , as I burst into tears . Come on man , he says to me , I didn't think you would cry , I can't stand to see a...
    Spirituall Spirituall 36-40, F 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    I had an e-mail saying,

    'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards .. ' I thought, 'that's just spam.'
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 3 Responses Aug 27

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    An Irishman, an Englishman

    and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. 'Y'ken,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so...
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    What did the blonde ask the doctor

    after her delivered her baby? Are you sure its mine????
    satnlacy satnlacy 22-25, T 1 Response a week ago

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    A man buys a lie detector robot w/c slaps people

    who lie. He decides 2 test it during dinner. DAD: Son, where were u 2day during school hrs? SON: @ School. Robot slaps son! SON: Ok, I lied, I went 2d movies. DAD: W/c one? SON: Toy Story. Robot slaps son again! SON: Ok, it was p0rn. DAD: What?! When I was your age, I didn't...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 5 Responses Dec 27, 2014

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    A man standing talking to a husband

    and wife farts. The husband says "how dare you fart before my wife", the man replied "I'm sorry I didn't realise it was her turn@.
    Hojan Hojan 41-45, M Aug 26

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    Getting fit and fab..

    .... (Photo)
    redtigerhood911 redtigerhood911 22-25, F 1 Response Aug 6, 2014

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    Joke- The Redhead A man is dining in a fancy

    restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs...
    mguinm mguinm 41-45, F 12 Responses Mar 7

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    Husband: 'Fancy a quickie?

    ' Wife: 'As opposed to what?'
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 6 Responses Aug 26

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    For the Sexless Marriage Group

    Ok, now, if you're in a sexless marriage and wonder why, this will give you a clue! LOL Enjoy! Cheleanne   A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.     ...
    Cheleanne Cheleanne 66-70, F 9 Responses Nov 13, 2007

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    Grandmas Are Great

    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his grandmother asking him to send her acurrent photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in aNudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he...
    code091933 code091933 46-50, M 8 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    A teacher asks her class,

    "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then, Little Johnny...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 4 Responses Dec 24, 2014

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    An Englishman, a Scotsman,

    an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub...
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 4 Responses 5 days ago

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 10 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at

    a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner. After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his...
    Hojan Hojan 41-45, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    fuwhat fuwhat 18-21, M 6 days ago

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    After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last

    year, English scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago. Not to be outdone by the English, in the weeks that followed, Scottish scientists dug to a depth...
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 7 Responses Aug 25

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    If you're ever cold just stand in a corner.

    They're usually around 90 Degrees.
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 5 Responses Dec 16, 2014

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    Electric Fence / Lawn Mower

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 46-50, F 12 Responses May 28, 2012

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    A man escapes from prison

    where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 7 Responses Jan 1

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    Police Officer: "How high are you?

    " Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Dec 26, 2014

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    A secretary got an expensive pen

    as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce. The 'Thank You' email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Aug 8, 2014

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    A man received a message from his

    neighbor: Sorry Sir, I am using your wife day and night when you're not present at home. In fact,much more than you do. I confess this now because I'm feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. The man is down with heart attack. A few minutes later, he...
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 5 Responses May 14

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    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

    For the sake of civility,and to keep it from getting sunburn he put his hat over his privates. As a woman walked past she said to the man snickering " if you were a gentleman. You'd lift your hat" The man raised an eyebrow and calmly replied " if you weren't so ugly it would...
    Ridingtonewyork Ridingtonewyork 16-17, F 16 Responses Jul 27, 2014

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    Chuck Norris sleeps with the lights on,

    because the darks afraid of him..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 5 Responses Dec 25, 2014

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    A magician was facing an unruly crowd

    as his tricks failed to impress them. To cheer them up, the magician said: 'could any one please give me an egg. For I shall show you a marvelous trick' One at the last row shouted: 'If we had an egg with us, it would have reached you long before'
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Aug 27

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    What do you call a person

    who will not fart in front of others? A private toot-er! :-D
    701TeaseMe 701TeaseMe 31-35, F 1 Response Aug 26

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    An Englishman, a Welshman

    and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter skelter when an old witch steps in front of them. 'This is a magic ride,' she says. 'You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down.' 'I'm game for this,' says the Welshman and slides down the helter skelter...
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 6 Responses 3 days ago

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    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...
    enchantingjade enchantingjade 36-40 12 Responses Jul 20, 2012

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    U heard the joke abt the roller coaster?

    ??....... Its complicated ...Theres alot of twists to it!!
    Avreich Avreich 22-25, M 2 days ago

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    If I gave you 2 cats ,

    and another 2 cats , and another 2 cats , how many would you have ? Seven . No , listen carefully......If I gave you 2 cats , and another 2 cats , and another 2 cats , how many would you have ? Seven . Let me put it to you differently . If I gave you 2 apples , and...
    Spirituall Spirituall 36-40, F 1 Response 4 days ago

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    Q: What does sex have in common with a savings

    account? A: You lose interest once you make a withdrawal.
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 9 Responses Jun 14

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    This one is an absolute killer.

    Wife : Don't you have simple manners?......I'm speaking for hours and you keep yawning every minute. Husband : I'm not yawning... I'm trying to say something !!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Oct 21, 2014

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    As an airplane is about to crash,

    a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces: 'If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.' She removes all her clothing and asks, 'Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?' A man stands up, removes his shirt and says...
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 5 Responses Aug 26

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    A lady approaches her priest

    and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed...
    deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses Dec 5, 2014

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    Your always there to catch me

    when I fall Thank you floor.
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 2 Responses Apr 13

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    A Man's Wish A man was sick

    and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in...
    robbie1280 robbie1280 22-25, T 2 Responses Jun 10, 2014

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    Sublevarse Sublevarse 18-21, M 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    Engineer In Hell An engineer dies

    and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build...
    fishsweeper fishsweeper 56-60, F 13 Responses Sep 11, 2014

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    During a recent robbery in Hong Kong,

    the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. When a lady lay on the...
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 7 Responses Aug 30, 2014

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