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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 3,029 People

    Chuck Norris sleeps with the lights on,

    because the darks afraid of him..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 5 Responses Dec 25, 2014

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    One evening last week,

    my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.' I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!' So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... 'You're...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 2 Responses Jun 16

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    Why is psychotherapy a lot quicker

    for a man then for a women? Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.
    tripwithzip tripwithzip 26-30, F 5 Responses 16 hrs ago

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    On their 40th wedding anniversary

    and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 27

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    AFTER THE BANK BOUNCED HER CHECK,

    SHE DECIDED TO WRITE THIS LETTER. HER RESPONSE IS PRICELESS... Anyone who has ever had to deal with an issue with a bank can understand the aggravation of this 86-year-old woman. But she had the last laugh when she sent this to the bank. =========================== “Dear Sir...
    Vision2Fly Vision2Fly 26-30, M 3 Responses Jun 17

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    Getting fit and fab..

    .... (Photo)
    redtigerhood911 redtigerhood911 22-25, F 1 Response Aug 6, 2014

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    Your always there to catch me

    when I fall Thank you floor.
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 2 Responses Apr 13

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    Little Johnny has a sick dog called Rex.

    After a visit to the vet,Dad tells Johnny that Rex probably won't live for more than a month. "But Rex wouldn't want you to be sad" says Dad. "He'd just won't you to have happy memories of him" "Can we give him a funeral?" Asks Johnny. "Of coarse" replied Dad. "Can I invite...
    henkam henkam 46-50, M 2 Responses Jun 14

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    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...
    enchantingjade enchantingjade 36-40 12 Responses Jul 20, 2012

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    Grandmas Are Great

    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his grandmother asking him to send her acurrent photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in aNudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he...
    code091933 code091933 46-50, M 8 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
    Sadie14 Sadie14 18-21, F 20 Responses Jul 3, 2014

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    A man received a message from his

    neighbor: Sorry Sir, I am using your wife day and night when you're not present at home. In fact,much more than you do. I confess this now because I'm feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. The man is down with heart attack. A few minutes later, he...
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 5 Responses May 14

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 10 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    Pretty girl wanting to marry a rich

    husband: "I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class...
    kimchiaddict kimchiaddict 36-40, M 5 Responses May 27

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    A little town in southern Illinois had a

    sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. So the sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of the causes of the town's high birth rate...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 5

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    What do you call a white kid in college?

    A student What do you call a Mexican kid in college? A janitor What do you call a black kid in college? A miracle XDDDD LOL
    silentkillxc1 silentkillxc1 18-21, F 3 Responses May 31

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    Joke time! Picture attached.

    ..just found it on FB and want to share it here :-)
    Lakee112812 Lakee112812 41-45, F 3 Responses Jun 16

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    One spelling mistake can destroy your life!

    A husband wrote a message to his wife on his official trip and forgot to add 'e' at the end of a word... "I am having such a wonderful time! Wish you were her..!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Jun 21

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    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Jul 24, 2014

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    This one is an absolute killer.

    Wife : Don't you have simple manners?......I'm speaking for hours and you keep yawning every minute. Husband : I'm not yawning... I'm trying to say something !!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 7 Responses Oct 21, 2014

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    Joke- The Redhead A man is dining in a fancy

    restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs...
    mguinm mguinm 41-45, F 12 Responses Mar 7

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    If you're ever cold just stand in a corner.

    They're usually around 90 Degrees.
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 5 Responses Dec 16, 2014

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    Airman Jones was assigned to the induction

    center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 Jun 22

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    During a recent robbery in Hong Kong,

    the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. When a lady lay on the...
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 8 Responses Aug 30, 2014

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    Engineer In Hell An engineer dies

    and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build...
    fishsweeper fishsweeper 56-60, F 13 Responses Sep 11, 2014

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    Redneck murders are hard to solve,

    all the DNA is the same and there are no dental records....:P
    LadyLouisiana LadyLouisiana 56-60, F 6 Responses Mar 27

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    Marriage Counsellor

    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
    HardingP119 HardingP119 36-40, M 10 Responses Aug 24, 2013

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    Q: Why do blondes take the pill?

    A: So they know what day of the week it is. [follow for more]
    Adamsofeve Adamsofeve 26-30, M 1 Response 6 days ago

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    A married Irishman went into the confessional

    and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not...
    marmelade marmelade 51-55, F 7 Responses Feb 16

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    Two men were walking home

    after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 31

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    The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven.

    St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. - A cat shows up. St Peter says "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted." Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 Jun 22

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    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

    For the sake of civility,and to keep it from getting sunburn he put his hat over his privates. As a woman walked past she said to the man snickering " if you were a gentleman. You'd lift your hat" The man raised an eyebrow and calmly replied " if you weren't so ugly it would...
    Ridingtonewyork Ridingtonewyork 16-17, F 15 Responses Jul 27, 2014

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    Police Officer: "How high are you?

    " Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Dec 26, 2014

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    Manager: Are you the applicant?

    Applicant: Yes Ma'am. M: oh? Why are you wearing that swimsuit and shades? what are you applying for? A: Summer Job Ma'am
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 3 Responses Jun 5

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    Martin was being interviewed

    for a new job. The person conducting the interview wanted to find out something about his personality, so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" Without hestitation, Martin responded, "The living one, of course!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 23

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    For the Sexless Marriage Group

    Ok, now, if you're in a sexless marriage and wonder why, this will give you a clue! LOL Enjoy! Cheleanne   A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.     ...
    Cheleanne Cheleanne 66-70, F 9 Responses Nov 13, 2007

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    A man escapes from prison

    where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 7 Responses Jan 1

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    Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to

    pick up women? A: Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 2 Responses Jun 14

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    One day a man came home from work to find his

    wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic **** magazine! What ever are we going...
    nevernohow nevernohow 56-60, M Jun 2

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    So my mom was trying to make food

    but she hurt her hand. So my sis was like "you can't be cooking mommy" and I'm like "you think you can do these things but you can't nemo!" (Quote from a movie in case you don't know)
    YLIhououin YLIhououin 18-21, M 1 Response May 28

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    A secretary got an expensive pen

    as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce. The 'Thank You' email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Aug 8, 2014

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    A male ostrich was chasing two female ostriches.

    The one female said to the other, "He's starting to gain on us, we better hide!" So, they stopped and stuck their heads in the sand. The male ostrich said, "...Hey, where'd they go?"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jun 9

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    Even Mother Nature has enough sense to stay out

    of the projects. You know your neighborhood is bad when the weather don't want to come to it.
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Jun 14

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    Q: What does sex have in common with a savings

    account? A: You lose interest once you make a withdrawal.
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 9 Responses Jun 14

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    A lady approaches her priest

    and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed...
    deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses Dec 5, 2014

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    A woman asks the pharmacist

    if he sells extra-large condoms. The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy some?" The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys a box?"
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 3 Responses Jun 14

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