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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 3,401 People

    Wife: "What are you doing?

    " Husband : Nothing. Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
    DomQuixote DomQuixote 61-65, M 1 Response Dec 14, 2015

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    Einstein developed a theory about space,

    and it was about time too.
    deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Jan 25

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    "How many MRA's does it take to screw in a

    lightbulb?" "Who's there?" "Uh, no, I'm not telling a knock-knock joke." "Yeah, but, did you know that knock-knock jokes also happen sometimes??"
    KatieW70 KatieW70 41-45, F 1 Response Jan 10

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    A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

    She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.She immediately moved to another seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.He seemed more amused.When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested...
    expressomarkie expressomarkie 46-50, M 3 Responses May 7, 2015

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    ,,I do...Fact i just told myself one i never

    heard before..lol...It,s life my friend,s we should all try to smile..I sure know if i can make one smile it has been a good day...
    deleted deleted 26-30 Dec 28, 2015

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    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

    For the sake of civility,and to keep it from getting sunburn he put his hat over his privates. As a woman walked past she said to the man snickering " if you were a gentleman. You'd lift your hat" The man raised an eyebrow and calmly replied " if you weren't so ugly it would...
    Ridingtonewyork Ridingtonewyork 18-21, F 16 Responses Jul 27, 2014

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    At midnight... wife's mobile phone beeps.

    Husband checks it and gets angry. He wakes his wife up. Husband: (angry) Who is this person saying "beautiful"? Surprised, wife checks her mobile phone. Wife: (very angry) Hey! Use your magnifying glass... "It's not beautiful... It's battery full!!" hahaha!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 4 Responses Dec 16, 2015

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    A big city, anti-gun lawyer went duck hunting

    in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 2 Responses Jan 1

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    The man approached the very beautiful woman in

    the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
    DomQuixote DomQuixote 61-65, M 1 Response Dec 14, 2015

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    This one is an absolute killer.

    Wife : Don't you have simple manners?......I'm speaking for hours and you keep yawning every minute. Husband : I'm not yawning... I'm trying to say something !!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Oct 21, 2014

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    Stich9 Stich9 18-21, F 1 Response Jan 4

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    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses Jul 24, 2014

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    Getting fit and fab..

    .... (Photo)
    redtigerhood911 redtigerhood911 22-25, F 1 Response Aug 6, 2014

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    My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well,

    I was amazed! I never thought they worked!
    Harryp0tter Harryp0tter 13-15, F 2 Responses Jan 15

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    wanna hear a pizza joke .

    ..nah its to cheesy
    JusAGirll12 JusAGirll12 18-21, F 1 Response Jan 2

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    Politicians A busload of politicians were

    driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the...
    jml2000 jml2000 61-65, M 5 Responses Nov 3, 2014

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    Couple is having a quickie

    and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
    Toohottohandle1 Toohottohandle1 36-40, F 3 Responses Mar 26, 2014

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    A man buys a lie detector robot w/c slaps people

    who lie. He decides 2 test it during dinner. DAD: Son, where were u 2day during school hrs? SON: @ School. Robot slaps son! SON: Ok, I lied, I went 2d movies. DAD: W/c one? SON: Toy Story. Robot slaps son again! SON: Ok, it was p0rn. DAD: What?! When I was your age, I didn't...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 5 Responses Dec 27, 2014

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 10 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    At a girl's college dormitory,

    dates were permitted only on Saturday night. One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady immediately. "I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother." :) He said with...
    Aryg Aryg 36-40, F 3 Responses Jul 20, 2015

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    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...
    enchantingjade enchantingjade 36-40 12 Responses Jul 20, 2012

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    A married Irishman went into the confessional

    and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not...
    marmelade marmelade 51-55, F 7 Responses Feb 16, 2015

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    A guy and his wife are sitting

    and watching a boxing match on television. The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!” “Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”
    KatieW70 KatieW70 41-45, F 2 Responses Jan 8

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    Engineer In Hell An engineer dies

    and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build...
    fishsweeper fishsweeper 56-60, F 13 Responses Sep 11, 2014

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    During a recent robbery in Hong Kong,

    the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. When a lady lay on the...
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 6 Responses Aug 30, 2014

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    Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon

    when Billy Bob tells Luther, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different. “The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got...
    stefanbanner stefanbanner 46-50, M 1 Response 4 days ago

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    A teacher asks her class,

    "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then, Little Johnny...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 5 Responses Dec 24, 2014

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    The lady was a southern woman

    who attended church services and taught Sunday School every week. One Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M Jan 1

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    Boy: wanna here a joke about my penis?

    ..never mind,it's too long ;) Girl: wanna hear a joke about my vagina?..doesnt matter,you'll never get it.
    Rachel282 Rachel282 16-17, F 5 Responses Jul 24, 2015

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    Astrologer:-Do you want to know the future of

    your husband?Wife :-No,no that I will decide.You tell me about his past.
    whitesunshine87 whitesunshine87 51-55, F 10 Responses Nov 1, 2015

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    A Man's Wish A man was sick

    and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in...
    robbie1280 robbie1280 22-25, T 2 Responses Jun 10, 2014

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    A girl at the bus top spotted a handsome man

    and without hesitation she told " I love you " Man placed his hand on her head: " this love and infatuation are nothing, go back to your home and study hard so that you can lead a successful life" Man then placed a piece of paper in her hand:" I have written some wisdom for...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 5 Responses Dec 16, 2015

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    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
    Sadie14 Sadie14 22-25, F 22 Responses Jul 3, 2014

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    A girl from Tennessee shares a dorm with a girl

    from Georgia. The girl from Georgia says, "So where y'all from?" Girl from Tennessee says, "Don't you know you shouldn't end a sentence with a proposition?💁🏼" Girl from Georgia says, "So, where y'all from, c*nt?"
    WhyAmIOnHere WhyAmIOnHere 18-21, M 3 Responses Jan 16

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    A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his

    bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
    DomQuixote DomQuixote 61-65, M Dec 14, 2015

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    The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the

    wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone...
    GJOFJ3 GJOFJ3 56-60, M 7 Responses Jul 5, 2015

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    There are only two reasons

    that men hang out in bars a lot. Either they don't have a wife to go home to --- or they do.
    DomQuixote DomQuixote 61-65, M 1 Response Dec 14, 2015

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    There was once this cowboy,

    riding through the wild west. One day, off in the distance, he sees a small cloud of dust. So he rides his horse up to it, and finds its an Indian laying on the ground with his chop sticking out of his pants! The cowboy gets off his horse and asks, "What are you doing?", to...
    pamir1992 pamir1992 22-25, M Jan 18

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    A young son is standing outside of his wigwam

    with his Indian Chief father looking into the star filled sky. He says "Father, what keeps the earth from falling in space? His father looks down at his son and says, " The earth rides on a gigantic turtle". The son thinks for a moment and says, "But Father, what hold up the...
    johnny253 johnny253 70+, M 3 Responses Jan 9

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    A secretary got an expensive pen

    as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce. The 'Thank You' email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Aug 8, 2014

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    A man escapes from prison

    where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 8 Responses Jan 1, 2015

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    Chuck Norris sleeps with the lights on,

    because the darks afraid of him..
    deleted deleted 26-30 5 Responses Dec 25, 2014

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    Marriage Counsellor

    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
    HardingP119 HardingP119 36-40, M 11 Responses Aug 24, 2013

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    One day, while strolling down the boardwalk,

    John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed. “I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John. “That’s incredible...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 1 Response Dec 25, 2015

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    A Priest and a Minister

    and a Rabbi were having a discussion on how they split the collection money. The Priest says "I draw a circle a circle on the ground. Then I throw all the money up in the air and what falls in the circle I keep and rest I give to the Lord". The Minister says, "I draw a line in...
    johnny253