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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 3,039 People

    Manager: Are you the applicant?

    Applicant: Yes Ma'am. M: oh? Why are you wearing that swimsuit and shades? what are you applying for? A: Summer Job Ma'am
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 3 Responses Jun 5

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    A horse walks into a bar,

    and the barman says "why the long face?"
    James1169 James1169 51-55, M 1 day ago

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    While the barber is lathering the man up

    for his shave, the man expresses to the barber how he has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks. The barber replies with a solution and pulls a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place the wooden ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and you...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 1 Response Jun 22

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    The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the

    wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone...
    GJOFJ3 GJOFJ3 56-60, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    Engineer In Hell An engineer dies

    and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build...
    fishsweeper fishsweeper 56-60, F 13 Responses Sep 11, 2014

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    So my mom was trying to make food

    but she hurt her hand. So my sis was like "you can't be cooking mommy" and I'm like "you think you can do these things but you can't nemo!" (Quote from a movie in case you don't know)
    YLIhououin YLIhououin 18-21, M 1 Response May 28

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 10 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    A trucker came into a truck stop cafe

    and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 Jun 22

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    Even Mother Nature has enough sense to stay out

    of the projects. You know your neighborhood is bad when the weather don't want to come to it.
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Jun 14

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    A man received a message from his

    neighbor: Sorry Sir, I am using your wife day and night when you're not present at home. In fact,much more than you do. I confess this now because I'm feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. The man is down with heart attack. A few minutes later, he...
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 5 Responses May 14

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    Redneck murders are hard to solve,

    all the DNA is the same and there are no dental records....:P
    LadyLouisiana LadyLouisiana 56-60, F 6 Responses Mar 27

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    One day a man came home from work to find his

    wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic **** magazine! What ever are we going...
    nevernohow nevernohow 56-60, M Jun 2

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    Chuck Norris sleeps with the lights on,

    because the darks afraid of him..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 5 Responses Dec 25, 2014

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    This one is an absolute killer.

    Wife : Don't you have simple manners?......I'm speaking for hours and you keep yawning every minute. Husband : I'm not yawning... I'm trying to say something !!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 7 Responses Oct 21, 2014

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    A lady approaches her priest

    and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed...
    deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses Dec 5, 2014

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    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...
    enchantingjade enchantingjade 36-40 12 Responses Jul 20, 2012

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    Two men were walking home

    after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 31

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    The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven.

    St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. - A cat shows up. St Peter says "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted." Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 Jun 22

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    Joke- The Redhead A man is dining in a fancy

    restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs...
    mguinm mguinm 41-45, F 12 Responses Mar 7

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    What do you call a white kid in college?

    A student What do you call a Mexican kid in college? A janitor What do you call a black kid in college? A miracle XDDDD LOL
    silentkillxc1 silentkillxc1 18-21, F 3 Responses May 31

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    A man escapes from prison

    where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 7 Responses Jan 1

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    "The Worrier" Henry always worried about

    everything all his life. But one day his coworkers noticed Henry seemed like a changed man. They remarked that he didn’t seem to be the least bit worried about anything. Henry said he’d hired a professional worrier and no longer had any problems. “A professional worrier...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 28

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    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Jul 24, 2014

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    Getting fit and fab..

    .... (Photo)
    redtigerhood911 redtigerhood911 22-25, F 1 Response Aug 6, 2014

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    A woman asks the pharmacist

    if he sells extra-large condoms. The pharmacist replies, "Yes, would you like to buy some?" The woman says, "No, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys a box?"
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 3 Responses Jun 14

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    Airman Jones was assigned to the induction

    center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 Jun 22

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    For the Sexless Marriage Group

    Ok, now, if you're in a sexless marriage and wonder why, this will give you a clue! LOL Enjoy! Cheleanne   A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.     ...
    Cheleanne Cheleanne 66-70, F 9 Responses Nov 13, 2007

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    A married Irishman went into the confessional

    and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not...
    marmelade marmelade 51-55, F 7 Responses Feb 16

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    Couple is having a quickie

    and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
    Toohottohandle1 Toohottohandle1 36-40, F 3 Responses Mar 26, 2014

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    If you're ever cold just stand in a corner.

    They're usually around 90 Degrees.
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 5 Responses Dec 16, 2014

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    A teacher is teaching a class

    and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two...
    kittykat419 kittykat419 18-21, F 2 Responses Mar 24

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    AFTER THE BANK BOUNCED HER CHECK,

    SHE DECIDED TO WRITE THIS LETTER. HER RESPONSE IS PRICELESS... Anyone who has ever had to deal with an issue with a bank can understand the aggravation of this 86-year-old woman. But she had the last laugh when she sent this to the bank. =========================== “Dear Sir...
    Vision2Fly Vision2Fly 26-30, M 3 Responses Jun 17

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    Martin was being interviewed

    for a new job. The person conducting the interview wanted to find out something about his personality, so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" Without hestitation, Martin responded, "The living one, of course!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses May 23

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    Electric Fence / Lawn Mower

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 46-50, F 12 Responses May 28, 2012

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    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
    Sadie14 Sadie14 18-21, F 20 Responses Jul 3, 2014

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    Why is psychotherapy a lot quicker

    for a man then for a women? Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.
    tripwithzip tripwithzip 26-30, F 6 Responses 6 days ago

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    A teacher asks her class,

    "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then, Little Johnny...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 3 Responses Dec 24, 2014

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    Q: Why do blondes take the pill?

    A: So they know what day of the week it is. [follow for more]
    Adamsofeve Adamsofeve 26-30, M 1 Response Jun 25

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    Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to

    pick up women? A: Because a woman who can't afford her own washing machine won't be able to support you.
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 2 Responses Jun 14

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    This from England A man is in a queue at a

    supermarket and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving. 'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks. 'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says. The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 2 Responses Jun 9

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    Police Officer: "How high are you?

    " Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Dec 26, 2014

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    Little Johnny has a sick dog called Rex.

    After a visit to the vet,Dad tells Johnny that Rex probably won't live for more than a month. "But Rex wouldn't want you to be sad" says Dad. "He'd just won't you to have happy memories of him" "Can we give him a funeral?" Asks Johnny. "Of coarse" replied Dad. "Can I invite...
    henkam henkam 46-50, M 2 Responses Jun 14

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    A secretary got an expensive pen

    as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce. The 'Thank You' email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Aug 8, 2014

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    Q: What does sex have in common with a savings

    account? A: You lose interest once you make a withdrawal.
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 9 Responses Jun 14

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    Q: What if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

    A: pull the pin and throw it back. [follow for more]
    Adamsofeve Adamsofeve 26-30, M Jun 25

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    A little town in southern Illinois had a

    sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. So the sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of the causes of the town's high birth rate...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 5

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