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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,735 People

    Homeless Guys Jokes A bum asked me,

    "Give me $10 till payday." I asked, "When's payday?" He said, "I don't know, you're the one who is working!" A bum came up to me saying, "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!" Another bum told me, "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 2 Responses a week ago

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    For the Sexless Marriage Group

    Ok, now, if you're in a sexless marriage and wonder why, this will give you a clue! LOL Enjoy! Cheleanne   A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.     ...
    Cheleanne Cheleanne 66-70, F 10 Responses Nov 13, 2007

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    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...
    enchantingjade enchantingjade 36-40 11 Responses Jul 20, 2012

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    A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a

    deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl and they're both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman...
    Callllie Callllie 70+, F 6 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    Police Officer: "How high are you?

    " Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 1 Response Dec 26, 2014

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    A secretary got an expensive pen

    as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce. The 'Thank You' email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Aug 8, 2014

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    If you're ever cold just stand in a corner.

    They're usually around 90 Degrees.
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 6 Responses Dec 16, 2014

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    A helicopter was flying around above Seattle

    when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Mar 29, 2014

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    A teacher asks her class,

    "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then, Little Johnny...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 31-35, F 2 Responses Dec 24, 2014

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    A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

    After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his balls. Something she just loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned to her and ask her: "why do you love doing that?" because... She replied.." I really miss mine." Hahahaha !!!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 3 Responses Oct 15, 2014

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    Three men were out fishing one day.

    The names were Osh, Stosh and DuDa.Unfortunately, DuDa falls in the lake and drowns. After recovering the body, Osh says to Stosh, "Who's going to tell his poor wife." Osh says"You tell her Stosh, I don't have the heart". Stosh says" But I'm too nervous and I stutter badly". Osh...
    johnny253 johnny253 66-70, M 5 days ago

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    Getting fit and fab..

    .... (Photo)
    redtigerhood911 redtigerhood911 22-25, F Aug 6, 2014

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    Sign on the bathroom door of a pay toilet.

    "Here I sit, broken hearted. Paid 5 cents and only farted:)))
    johnny253 johnny253 66-70, M Dec 26, 2014

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    Graffitti on the men's bathroom seall.

    "Here I sit ,broken hearted. Paid a dime and only farted:)))
    johnny253 johnny253 66-70, M 1 Response Jan 3

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    Q: What's the new CBS sitcom 50 lbs about?

    A: Nicole Richie's weight! Q: Why was Nicole Richie released from jail after only 82 minutes? A: She was only sentenced to jail for 2 minutes a pound! Q: Why isn't Nicole Richie pregnant? A: She just mistakening ate a tic-tac! Q. Why were Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F a week ago

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    An 80-yr-old man asked his Wife: Do you feel sad

    when you see me running after young girls? Wife: No, not at all, even DOGS chase cars, but can't drive them!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 2 Responses Sep 6, 2014

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    Grandmas Are Great

    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his grandmother asking him to send her acurrent photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in aNudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he...
    code091933 code091933 46-50, M 9 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Hollywood Jokes Hollywood called me,

    asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!" Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look. I'm now making a Jewish ***** film. 10% Sex, 90...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F a week ago

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    A man buys a lie detector robot w/c slaps people

    who lie. He decides 2 test it during dinner. DAD: Son, where were u 2day during school hrs? SON: @ School. Robot slaps son! SON: Ok, I lied, I went 2d movies. DAD: W/c one? SON: Toy Story. Robot slaps son again! SON: Ok, it was p0rn. DAD: What?! When I was your age, I didn't...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 31-35, F 3 Responses Dec 27, 2014

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    Electric Fence / Lawn Mower

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 41-45, F 12 Responses May 28, 2012

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    This one is a naughty one :p lol A 54 year old

    accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads... Dear Wife, I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and s-e-x-y 18 year old secretary." When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him...
    ES09 ES09 22-25, M 3 Responses Jan 16

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    Why did the chicken cross the road?

    Because he was so done with your ****.
    BloodRedDarkness BloodRedDarkness 16-17, F Jan 7

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    Fun Things to do in an Elevator - Wave hands

    wildly at invisible flies buzzing around your head. - Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off. - Shave. - Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?" - Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 1 Response a week ago

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    This one is an absolute killer.

    Wife : Don't you have simple manners?......I'm speaking for hours and you keep yawning every minute. Husband : I'm not yawning... I'm trying to say something !!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 7 Responses Oct 21, 2014

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    Engineer In Hell An engineer dies

    and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build...
    fishsweeper fishsweeper 51-55, F 14 Responses Sep 11, 2014

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    A man escapes from prison

    where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 31-35, F 5 Responses Jan 1

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    The ocean is like p*ssy.

    I'm swimming in it. This made me smile.
    Untrustworthy117 Untrustworthy117 16-17, M Jan 4

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    Funny Ultimate Truths:

    1. Whenever i find the Key to Success, someone changes the lock. 2. The road to success is always under Construction 3. In order to get a loan, You first need to Prove that you don't need it 4. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or Married ;) 5...
    traveller139 traveller139 22-25, M 7 Responses Jan 28, 2013

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    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Jul 24, 2014

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    What's the definition of "Apathy"?

    I don't know and I don't care:)
    johnny253 johnny253 66-70, M 2 Responses Dec 28, 2014

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    During a recent robbery in Hong Kong,

    the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. When a lady lay on the...
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 9 Responses Aug 30, 2014

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    Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic.

    " Father: "Why?" Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'" Father: "But that's right!" Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'" Father: "What's the ******* difference?" Boy: "That's exactly what I said!" LOL
    zoiera zoiera 26-30, F 6 Responses Oct 6, 2014

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    Politicians A busload of politicians were

    driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Nov 3, 2014

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    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
    Sadie14 Sadie14 18-21, F 17 Responses Jul 3, 2014

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    You credit cards are up

    and your credit is not perfect
    cheepwords123 cheepwords123 51-55, F 1 Response Jan 17

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    Two astranauts are having a conversation

    and one says to the other "Joe. I don't want to go to the Moon. I'd like to go to the Sun.". The other says" That's rediculous! If you go to the Sun, you'll burn up." That's OK the other astranaut says," We'll go at night":)))
    johnny253 johnny253 66-70, M 1 Response Jan 18

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    Man enters a drugstore

    and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. The Pharmacist asks, "What size?" to which the man replies, "I'm not exactly sure." The pharmacist grabs something from under the counter and hands it to the man, "Well, take this board with holes, go to the bathroom and the hole...
    Ed360 Ed360 41-45, F 7 Responses Jun 3, 2014

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    A lady approaches her priest

    and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed...
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 3 Responses Dec 5, 2014

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    A Man's Wish A man was sick

    and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in...
    robbie1280 robbie1280 18-21, T 2 Responses Jun 10, 2014

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    A priest, a minister,

    a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar.......... the bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
    nyc10024a nyc10024a 36-40 1 Response Dec 30, 2014

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    Couple is having a quickie

    and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
    Toohottohandle1 Toohottohandle1 31-35, F 3 Responses Mar 26, 2014

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    I was visiting a friend named john

    and we sat on the couch chatting. A Collie Dog walks in the room and sits down next to them. In the course of their conversation, John mentions how smart his dog was. He can talk and answer questions. I looked at incredulously and said, " I got to see this!:) So he says to the...
    johnny253 johnny253 66-70, M Dec 25, 2014

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 11 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    A corpse has gone missing in the mortuary,

    the mortician has suggested the best way to get it back it is to ring the cops
    missreeedy missreeedy 31-35, F 1 Response Jan 5

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    What's black and never works.

    .? Decaf coffee.. What's white and always almost works? An aspirin. I'm sure you had really racist thoughts.. Right.?
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 5 Responses Jan 12

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    Logging out . . . . .

    . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Yan yung tawag kapag hindi ka laging online. Logging out. Hihi. Ge
    PrettyHappyVirus PrettyHappyVirus 16-17 Jan 14

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    Doctor Jokes A doctor gave a man six months

    to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months. My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said, "Cough!" The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!" The Doctor says, "You'll...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F a week ago

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    Chuck Norris sleeps with the lights on,

    because the darks afraid of him..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 6 Responses Dec 25, 2014

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    Marriage Counsellor

    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
    HardingP119 HardingP119 36-40, M 10 Responses Aug 24, 2013

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    Heaven Bill Clinton,

    Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?" Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 2 Responses a week ago

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    Canadian Joke Dave & Ladine are at the

    airport in Phoenix, awaiting their flight. They are dressed in heavy boots, parka, scarf, mittens, all ready to head home to the Canadian winter. An old American couple standing nearby in shorts are intrigued by their manner of dress. The wife says to her husband, "Look at...
    BlondieHills BlondieHills 46-50, F 2 Responses Jan 6

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    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

    For the sake of civility,and to keep it from getting sunburn he put his hat over his privates. As a woman walked past she said to the man snickering " if you were a gentleman. You'd lift your hat" The man raised an eyebrow and calmly replied " if you weren't so ugly it would...