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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 3,127 People

    Your always there to catch me

    when I fall Thank you floor.
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 2 Responses Apr 13

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    A teacher asks her class,

    "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then, Little Johnny...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 4 Responses Dec 24, 2014

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    Girl in cinema turns sideways

    and whispers to her boyfriend.'The man next to me is ************!''Ignore him.''I can't.''Why not?''He's using my hand!'
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    Engineer In Hell An engineer dies

    and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build...
    fishsweeper fishsweeper 56-60, F 13 Responses Sep 11, 2014

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    As an airplane is about to crash,

    a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces: 'If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.' She removes all her clothing and asks, 'Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?' A man stands up, removes his shirt and says...
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
    Sadie14 Sadie14 18-21, F 20 Responses Jul 3, 2014

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    I'm not trying to be racist

    or anything but this is good stuff... Haha
    fuwhat fuwhat 18-21, M 1 Response 4 days ago

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    fuwhat fuwhat 18-21, M 4 days ago

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    A married Irishman went into the confessional

    and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not...
    marmelade marmelade 51-55, F 6 Responses Feb 16

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    Police Officer: "How high are you?

    " Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Dec 26, 2014

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    Two men are taking their dogs out

    for their morning walk. One dog is a Dobermin Pincher, the other is a Chiwawa. The one man says to the other "What do say we stop at the little coffee shop down at the corner?" He says "Bill, you know they won't allow us to go in there with our dogs". Bill says "Sure we can...
    johnny253 johnny253 66-70, M 3 days ago

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    This one is an absolute killer.

    Wife : Don't you have simple manners?......I'm speaking for hours and you keep yawning every minute. Husband : I'm not yawning... I'm trying to say something !!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Oct 21, 2014

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    Grandmas Are Great

    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his grandmother asking him to send her acurrent photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in aNudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he...
    code091933 code091933 46-50, M 8 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    A magician was facing an unruly crowd

    as his tricks failed to impress them. To cheer them up, the magician said: 'could any one please give me an egg. For I shall show you a marvelous trick' One at the last row shouted: 'If we had an egg with us, it would have reached you long before'
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response 11 hrs ago

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    Chuck Norris sleeps with the lights on,

    because the darks afraid of him..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 5 Responses Dec 25, 2014

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    A man received a message from his

    neighbor: Sorry Sir, I am using your wife day and night when you're not present at home. In fact,much more than you do. I confess this now because I'm feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. The man is down with heart attack. A few minutes later, he...
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 5 Responses May 14

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    For the Sexless Marriage Group

    Ok, now, if you're in a sexless marriage and wonder why, this will give you a clue! LOL Enjoy! Cheleanne   A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.     ...
    Cheleanne Cheleanne 66-70, F 9 Responses Nov 13, 2007

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    Marriage Counsellor

    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
    HardingP119 HardingP119 36-40, M 11 Responses Aug 24, 2013

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    Joke- The Redhead A man is dining in a fancy

    restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs...
    mguinm mguinm 41-45, F 12 Responses Mar 7

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    Getting fit and fab..

    .... (Photo)
    redtigerhood911 redtigerhood911 22-25, F 1 Response Aug 6, 2014

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    After their boat sinks,

    two aussies are left floating around in their lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. All of a sudden one of them spots a funny looking bottle bobbing in the water and pulls it out. He sees something written on the bottle but can't quite read it so he gives it a bit of a rub...
    cmyk323 cmyk323 36-40, F 3 Responses Aug 13

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    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

    For the sake of civility,and to keep it from getting sunburn he put his hat over his privates. As a woman walked past she said to the man snickering " if you were a gentleman. You'd lift your hat" The man raised an eyebrow and calmly replied " if you weren't so ugly it would...
    Ridingtonewyork Ridingtonewyork 16-17, F 16 Responses Jul 27, 2014

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    IchBinDeutsch IchBinDeutsch 13-15, M 4 Responses Aug 4

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    A lady approaches her priest

    and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed...
    deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses Dec 5, 2014

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    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Jul 24, 2014

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    Q: What does sex have in common with a savings

    account? A: You lose interest once you make a withdrawal.
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 9 Responses Jun 14

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    Two gays were looking at Travel Brochure at a

    Travel Agency. One of them said: "Let's try Greece this year" The other answered: "Why? What's wrong with Vaseline?
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Aug 7

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    Electric Fence / Lawn Mower

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 46-50, F 12 Responses May 28, 2012

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    Politicians A busload of politicians were

    driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Nov 3, 2014

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    Couple is having a quickie

    and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
    Toohottohandle1 Toohottohandle1 36-40, F 3 Responses Mar 26, 2014

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    An airline captain was helping a new Antartian

    flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop, and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Aug 8

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    A man buys a lie detector robot w/c slaps people

    who lie. He decides 2 test it during dinner. DAD: Son, where were u 2day during school hrs? SON: @ School. Robot slaps son! SON: Ok, I lied, I went 2d movies. DAD: W/c one? SON: Toy Story. Robot slaps son again! SON: Ok, it was p0rn. DAD: What?! When I was your age, I didn't...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 5 Responses Dec 27, 2014

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    Husband: 'Fancy a quickie?

    ' Wife: 'As opposed to what?'
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    Joke time A old man traveling in a truck saw

    2 mens eating grass. The old man went to the mens and ask why you eating grass. The 2 mens said we are homeless and got no money to eat so we eat grass. The old man said why don't you come home with me and I feed you. The 2 men jumped in the truck. The old man said you love my...
    slivereyes slivereyes 36-40, F 3 Responses Aug 15

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    Right! The cheek of my wifi at times.

    It's too scared to show my requested browser but has the b8lls to say... "You are not connected..." TalkTalk! (UK) if this is yer idea of a consistent joke...
    Sazzio Sazzio 26-30, M Aug 18

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    A man goes skydiving

    for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 18

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    If you're ever cold just stand in a corner.

    They're usually around 90 Degrees.
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 5 Responses Dec 16, 2014

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    What do you call a person

    who will not fart in front of others? A private toot-er! :-D
    701TeaseMe 701TeaseMe 31-35, F 1 day ago

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    A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a

    farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road." The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Aug 13

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    Art and Barb are an elderly couple

    who have been married for 35 years. While laying in bed together one night, Barb says "Art, I remember how we once held hands when we were courting". Art then reached across the bed, held her hand for a few seconds, then rolled over to go to sleep. A couple minutes passed, then...
    cbcs cbcs 31-35, M 2 Responses Aug 4

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    During a recent robbery in Hong Kong,

    the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. When a lady lay on the...
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 7 Responses Aug 30, 2014

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    I found an old return ticket in my pocket the

    other day. It took me back.
    Hojan Hojan 41-45, M 16 hrs ago

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    Girl in cinema turns sideways

    and whispers to her boyfriend. 'The man next to me is ************!' 'Ignore him.' 'I can't.' 'Why not?' 'He's using my hand!'
    PAL15 PAL15 26-30, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 10 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    Good News/Bad News Good News/Bad News Two

    90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Aug 7

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    A secretary got an expensive pen

    as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce. The 'Thank You' email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Aug 8, 2014

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