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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,985 People

    A young woman went to her doctor complaining of

    pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 1 Response May 2

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    A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a

    deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl and they're both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman...
    Callllie Callllie 70+, F 6 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    A teacher is teaching a class

    and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two...
    kittykat419 kittykat419 18-21, F 2 Responses Mar 24

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    A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.

    A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train." Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 14

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    Getting fit and fab..

    .... (Photo)
    redtigerhood911 redtigerhood911 22-25, F 1 Response Aug 6, 2014

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    Politicians A busload of politicians were

    driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Nov 3, 2014

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    Couple is having a quickie

    and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
    Toohottohandle1 Toohottohandle1 31-35, F 3 Responses Mar 26, 2014

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    A married Irishman went into the confessional

    and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not...
    marmelade marmelade 51-55, F 7 Responses Feb 16

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    Pretty girl wanting to marry a rich

    husband: "I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class...
    kimchiaddict kimchiaddict 36-40, M 5 Responses 6 days ago

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    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...
    enchantingjade enchantingjade 36-40 12 Responses Jul 20, 2012

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    Teacher; why did you late Student; my mom

    and dad was fighting Teacher; okey they were fighting what was you doing Student; sir, one pair of shoes of mine mom had it and another one dad had
    mkdpk mkdpk 41-45, M May 20

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    Police Officer: "How high are you?

    " Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Dec 26, 2014

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    A secretary got an expensive pen

    as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce. The 'Thank You' email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Aug 8, 2014

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    There is a knock on the pearly gates.

    Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there’s another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. “Hey, are you...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses May 3

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    What do you call a white kid in college?

    A student What do you call a Mexican kid in college? A janitor What do you call a black kid in college? A miracle XDDDD LOL
    silentkillxc1 silentkillxc1 18-21, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    "The Worrier" Henry always worried about

    everything all his life. But one day his coworkers noticed Henry seemed like a changed man. They remarked that he didn’t seem to be the least bit worried about anything. Henry said he’d hired a professional worrier and no longer had any problems. “A professional worrier...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    A guy walks into a post office one day to see a

    middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    Girl 1: If I go into

    that kitchen right now, are there still gonna be two bananas? Girl 2: Vince ate them. Vince: Nah, I don't eat bananas, they make me look apish. Girl 2: You look apish holding a pen.
    TGBman TGBman 22-25, M 1 Response May 20

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    On their 40th wedding anniversary

    and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    Scientist say... The world is made up of

    Protons, Neutrons , and Electrons... But they forgot to mention MORONS... Lol
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 5 Responses May 14

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    A teacher asks her class,

    "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then, Little Johnny...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 3 Responses Dec 24, 2014

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    It's cake O' clock Police officer: miss

    why you have a knife? Lady: yes officer, I carry a knife... But that's just in case I find a cake ..
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 3 Responses May 11

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    If you're going to be a smart ***,

    first make sure you're smart, otherwise you're just an ***.. Lol
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 5 Responses May 12

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    Question; love should be

    before marriage or after? Answer; doesn't matter, before or after, just don't let your wife know
    mkdpk mkdpk 41-45, M 1 Response May 19

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    Chuck Norris sleeps with the lights on,

    because the darks afraid of him..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 5 Responses Dec 25, 2014

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    Morris walks out into the street

    and hails a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Liam." "Who?" "Liam O'Connor. There's a lad who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Liam.""Every path...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 8

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    After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,

    "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses May 4

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    Martin was being interviewed

    for a new job. The person conducting the interview wanted to find out something about his personality, so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" Without hestitation, Martin responded, "The living one, of course!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses May 23

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    A lady approaches her priest

    and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed...
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 3 Responses Dec 5, 2014

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    Electric Fence / Lawn Mower

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 41-45, F 12 Responses May 28, 2012

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    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
    Sadie14 Sadie14 18-21, F 19 Responses Jul 3, 2014

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    Dance like no one is watching.

    .because they're not,they're checking their phone lol
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 5 Responses May 8

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    The other day my friend asked me "do you like

    your roads straight or curvy?" Said straight, she asked me if I knew what She meant and I had to think about it for a minute to understand, we started laughing and joking about it. Then my other friend came up and asked what we were talking about. So my friend asked her the...
    XxMyDemonsxX XxMyDemonsxX 16-17, F 2 Responses May 22

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    Marriage Counsellor

    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
    HardingP119 HardingP119 36-40, M 10 Responses Aug 24, 2013

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    This one is an absolute killer.

    Wife : Don't you have simple manners?......I'm speaking for hours and you keep yawning every minute. Husband : I'm not yawning... I'm trying to say something !!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 7 Responses Oct 21, 2014

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    Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to

    catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    Engineer In Hell An engineer dies

    and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build...
    fishsweeper fishsweeper 51-55, F 14 Responses Sep 11, 2014

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    For the Sexless Marriage Group

    Ok, now, if you're in a sexless marriage and wonder why, this will give you a clue! LOL Enjoy! Cheleanne   A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.     ...
    Cheleanne Cheleanne 66-70, F 9 Responses Nov 13, 2007

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    Your always there to catch me

    when I fall Thank you floor.
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 2 Responses Apr 13

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    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 9 Responses May 6

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    If you're ever cold just stand in a corner.

    They're usually around 90 Degrees.
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 5 Responses Dec 16, 2014

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    A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

    She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.She immediately moved to another seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.He seemed more amused.When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested...
    expressomarkie expressomarkie 46-50, M 4 Responses May 7

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    A photon checks into a hotel

    and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies, “No, I'm traveling light.”
    kimchiaddict kimchiaddict 36-40, M 1 Response 5 days ago

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    Redneck murders are hard to solve,

    all the DNA is the same and there are no dental records....:P
    LadyLouisiana LadyLouisiana 56-60, F 5 Responses Mar 27

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    During a recent robbery in Hong Kong,

    the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. When a lady lay on the...
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 8 Responses Aug 30, 2014

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    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Jul 24, 2014

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