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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,372 People

    Electric Fence / Lawn Mower

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
    Babydoll42 Babydoll42 41-45, F 11 Responses May 28, 2012

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    Getting fit and fab..

    .... (Photo)
    Zorenjb Zorenjb 22-25, F Aug 6

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    Words From Famous Women Words From Famous

    Women ... "I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde." - Dolly Parton "I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job." - Roseanne "My husband and I are either going to buy...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F a week ago

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    Difference Between A Man

    and Woman A man and a woman were in 2 different cars. The man was going up the mountainside. The woman was going down the mountainside. Then the woman yells out - "Pig!". The man then yells back - "Hoe!" They both continue on, until the man smashes his car into a pig!
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 3 days ago

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    In Heaven, two ladies talk to each other:

    SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a...
    Scaramooch Scaramooch 46-50, M 11 Responses May 15

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    9 Months Later Jack decided to go skiing with

    his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 5 days ago

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    A wealthy man was having an affair with an

    Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he...
    mguinm mguinm 41-45, F 10 Responses Jul 19

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    Birthing Pains A woman goes to her doctor

    who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Bronze sculptures A tourist wanders into a

    back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
    Sadie14 Sadie14 18-21, F 11 Responses Jul 3

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    Second Opinion A doctor

    and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Wrinke Removal An old man of 87 went to the

    hospital to get a radical new surgical procedure done where they stretch the skin and pull all the wrinkles up onto the top of the scalp making you appear years younger. On his way out of the hospital, he met an old friend who didn't recognize him at first. "Rob, is that...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 3 days ago

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    Escaped Convict

    Escaped convict A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her...
    pmurillo pmurillo 26-30, F 6 Responses Sep 30, 2013

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    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    happinesslieswithin happinesslieswithin 18-21, F 5 Responses Jul 24

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    A secretary got an expensive pen

    as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce. The 'Thank You' email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 5 Responses Aug 8

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    Things Dogs Must Try To Remember I will not

    play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge. I must shake the rainwater out of...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 Response a week ago

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    A little boy knocks at the door

    and tells the owner that something of his had found its way into her garage, and he wanted it back. The homeowner opened the garage and noticed two additions; a baseball and broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. “How do you suppose this ball got in here?” she asked...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    The pop machine. There was a beautiful young

    blonde who was going to a soda machine and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 3 days ago

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    RATED PG. (Photo attached) This is terrible!

    !!! I can't believe they would do something like this. Please pm me where I can find this. LOL JOKE ONLY.
    Zorenjb Zorenjb 22-25, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Fireman Costume

    Man goes to a fancy dress party, wearing only a glass jar on his penis.A woman asks "What are you?"He says "I'm a fireman""But you're only wearing a glass jar?",says the woman"Exactly!","In an emergency, break glass, pull knob, and I'll come as fast as I can"he replies.
    CazieM CazieM 26-30, F 6 Responses Aug 30, 2012

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    A blind guy visited his choir mistress 2 share

    a testimony and found her bathing, since he was blind, she let him in. After bathing, she was shaving her *#¤*# in front of him and tried 2 make conversation by asking him: " Bro Sammy, what brings u here? Is everything fine? Sammy replied : oh yes ! The Lord is good,I jst want...
    sammy433 sammy433 22-25, M 6 days ago

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    Hey guys Here's a funny joke 'Man is like

    spider, Bound to have sticky hand after being on web'
    GalaxyJumper GalaxyJumper 16-17, M 3 days ago

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    Letter home from School Dear Dad,

    $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on. Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F a week ago

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    A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a

    deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl and they're both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman...
    calliecassidy calliecassidy 22-25, F 5 Responses Jul 16

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    Little Johnny

    The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny,a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said. 'Very good...
    belover0069 belover0069 22-25, F 45 Responses Oct 1, 2012

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    Funny Ultimate Truths:

    1. Whenever i find the Key to Success, someone changes the lock. 2. The road to success is always under Construction 3. In order to get a loan, You first need to Prove that you don't need it 4. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or Married ;) 5...
    traveller139 traveller139 22-25, M 7 Responses Jan 28, 2013

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    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

    For the sake of civility,and to keep it from getting sunburn he put his hat over his privates. As a woman walked past she said to the man snickering " if you were a gentleman. You'd lift your hat" The man raised an eyebrow and calmly replied " if you weren't so ugly it would...
    Daisyellenrose Daisyellenrose 13-15, F 14 Responses Jul 27

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    True story from the WordPerfect helpline!

    This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless, to say the helpdesk employee was fired: however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support Employee: "Ridge...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F a week ago

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    It seems that this old couple are having

    trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden. Neighbor asks, "Say, Ed, what was...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 3 days ago

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    A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo

    safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 27

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    Before And After Marriage

    Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three would wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. After a few days they meet up for lunch.The engaged...
    deleted deleted 26-30 7 Responses Oct 1, 2011

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    Cool Bumper Stickers!

    1) God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier. 2) I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit. 3) I wasn't born a *****. Men like you made me this way. 4) Keep honking while I reload. 5) Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either! 6) Madness...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    GM vs Microsoft At a recent computer expo

    (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 3 days ago

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    FBI Want-Ads The FBI puts an Ad in the

    newspaper, "Wanted FBI agents." After sorting through all the applicants they narrow it down to three. They bring the first in for an interview and the interviewing agent says to the gentleman, "We are the FBI, we solemnly do the duty of the country and always put the country...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Mother's Milk A medical student is taking a

    test and one of the questions he sees is: "Name the three best advantages of mother's milk." The student immediately writes, "One: It has all the healthful nutrients needed to sustain a baby. Two: It is inside the mother's body and therefore protected from germs and...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 3 days ago

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    Air disaster Poland's worst air disaster

    occurred today when a two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery late this morning in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F a week ago

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    Couple is having a quickie

    and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
    Toohottohandle1 Toohottohandle1 31-35, F 3 Responses Mar 26

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    A helicopter was flying around above Seattle

    when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Mar 29

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    There was this guy at a bar,

    just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, this big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses 5 days ago

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    A Man's Wish A man was sick

    and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in...
    robbie1280 robbie1280 18-21, M Jun 10

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    Little Tim was in the garden filling in a

    hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked "Whatcha doing, Tim? "My goldfish died "replied the boy tearfully. "And I've just buried him." The neighbour was concerned . "That's a pretty big hole for a gold fish, isn't it...
    JadeWand JadeWand 41-45, M 1 Response a week ago

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    An addition to Oxford Dictionary.

    . #burgasm (photo attached) LOL
    Zorenjb Zorenjb 22-25, F 1 Response 6 days ago

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    For the Sexless Marriage Group

    Ok, now, if you're in a sexless marriage and wonder why, this will give you a clue! LOL Enjoy! Cheleanne   A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.     ...
    Cheleanne Cheleanne 66-70, F 10 Responses Nov 13, 2007

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    Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons.

    One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 26

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    New Insurance Policy After their house

    burned down, Mary Ann, his wife, called the insurance company. Mary Ann tells the insurance agent, "We had that house insured for one hundred thirty thousand dollars and we want our money." The agent replies, "Whoa there, just a minute. It doesn't work quite like that. We...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 3 days ago

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    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...
    enchantingjade enchantingjade 36-40 10 Responses Jul 20, 2012

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    Needs Ironing A man

    and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at the same hotel in the same room where they spent their wedding night. In honor of the occasion, she bought a $400.00 silk see-through negligee. After taking off her clothes in the bathroom, she realized that she...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F 3 days ago

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    Little Black Dress

    A blond drops off her black dress at the cleaners.On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says "Come Again"The blond replies, "No it's toothpaste this time you nosy *****"
    CazieM CazieM 26-30, F 2 Responses Jul 19, 2012

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 10 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    jenni88 jenni88 18-21, F 3 Responses 5 hrs ago

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    Marriage Counsellor

    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
    HardingP119 HardingP119 36-40, M 10 Responses Aug 24, 2013

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    Man enters a drugstore

    and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. The Pharmacist asks, "What size?" to which the man replies, "I'm not exactly sure." The pharmacist grabs something from under the counter and hands it to the man, "Well, take this board with holes, go to the bathroom and the hole...
    Ed360 Ed360 41-45, F 4 Responses Jun 3

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    Redneck Driver's License Application Redneck

    Driver's License Application... Plez compleet this paper, best ya can. Last name: ________________ First name: [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 26-30, F a week ago

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