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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 3,402 People

    Einstein developed a theory about space,

    and it was about time too.
    deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Jan 25

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    A young son is standing outside of his wigwam

    with his Indian Chief father looking into the star filled sky. He says "Father, what keeps the earth from falling in space? His father looks down at his son and says, " The earth rides on a gigantic turtle". The son thinks for a moment and says, "But Father, what hold up the...
    johnny253 johnny253 70+, M 3 Responses Jan 9

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    A big city, anti-gun lawyer went duck hunting

    in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 2 Responses Jan 1

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    Wife: "What are you doing?

    " Husband : Nothing. Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
    DomQuixote DomQuixote 61-65, M 1 Response Dec 14, 2015

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    ,,I do...Fact i just told myself one i never

    heard before..lol...It,s life my friend,s we should all try to smile..I sure know if i can make one smile it has been a good day...
    deleted deleted 26-30 Dec 28, 2015

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    Getting fit and fab..

    .... (Photo)
    redtigerhood911 redtigerhood911 22-25, F 1 Response Aug 6, 2014

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    Couple is having a quickie

    and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
    Toohottohandle1 Toohottohandle1 36-40, F 3 Responses Mar 26, 2014

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    A man buys a lie detector robot w/c slaps people

    who lie. He decides 2 test it during dinner. DAD: Son, where were u 2day during school hrs? SON: @ School. Robot slaps son! SON: Ok, I lied, I went 2d movies. DAD: W/c one? SON: Toy Story. Robot slaps son again! SON: Ok, it was p0rn. DAD: What?! When I was your age, I didn't...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 5 Responses Dec 27, 2014

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    Grandmas Are Great

    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his grandmother asking him to send her acurrent photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in aNudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he...
    code091933 code091933 46-50, M 9 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    A man escapes from prison

    where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 8 Responses Jan 1, 2015

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    The lady was a southern woman

    who attended church services and taught Sunday School every week. One Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M Jan 1

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    A girl from Tennessee shares a dorm with a girl

    from Georgia. The girl from Georgia says, "So where y'all from?" Girl from Tennessee says, "Don't you know you shouldn't end a sentence with a proposition?💁🏼" Girl from Georgia says, "So, where y'all from, c*nt?"
    WhyAmIOnHere WhyAmIOnHere 18-21, M 3 Responses Jan 16

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    There are only two reasons

    that men hang out in bars a lot. Either they don't have a wife to go home to --- or they do.
    DomQuixote DomQuixote 61-65, M 1 Response Dec 14, 2015

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    Chuck Norris sleeps with the lights on,

    because the darks afraid of him..
    deleted deleted 26-30 5 Responses Dec 25, 2014

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    At midnight... wife's mobile phone beeps.

    Husband checks it and gets angry. He wakes his wife up. Husband: (angry) Who is this person saying "beautiful"? Surprised, wife checks her mobile phone. Wife: (very angry) Hey! Use your magnifying glass... "It's not beautiful... It's battery full!!" hahaha!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 4 Responses Dec 16, 2015

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    Politicians A busload of politicians were

    driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the...
    jml2000 jml2000 61-65, M 5 Responses Nov 3, 2014

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    A secretary got an expensive pen

    as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce. The 'Thank You' email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Aug 8, 2014

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    At a girl's college dormitory,

    dates were permitted only on Saturday night. One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady immediately. "I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother." :) He said with...
    Aryg Aryg 36-40, F 3 Responses Jul 20, 2015

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    Him: I want to be with you the rest of my life.

    .. Me: Don´t you dare menace me...
    LadyHeartnMind LadyHeartnMind 31-35, F 2 Responses Jan 7

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    A team of archaeologist are excavating in Israel

    when they find a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David on the wall. The head archaeologist points to the first drawing. "This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high esteem." he says. "The donkey shows...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 1 Response Jan 12

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    A man received a message from his

    neighbor: Sorry Sir, I am using your wife day and night when you're not present at home. In fact,much more than you do. I confess this now because I'm feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. The man is down with heart attack. A few minutes later, he...
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 5 Responses May 14, 2015

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    The man approached the very beautiful woman in

    the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
    DomQuixote DomQuixote 61-65, M 1 Response Dec 14, 2015

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    Marriage Counsellor

    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
    HardingP119 HardingP119 36-40, M 11 Responses Aug 24, 2013

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    The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the

    wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone...
    GJOFJ3 GJOFJ3 56-60, M 7 Responses Jul 5, 2015

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    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses Jul 24, 2014

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    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...
    enchantingjade enchantingjade 36-40 12 Responses Jul 20, 2012

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    "How many MRA's does it take to screw in a

    lightbulb?" "Who's there?" "Uh, no, I'm not telling a knock-knock joke." "Yeah, but, did you know that knock-knock jokes also happen sometimes??"
    KatieW70 KatieW70 41-45, F 1 Response Jan 10

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 10 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    Sally was driving home from a trip in Northern

    Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. She stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride. She thanked her and got in the car. After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the...
    DomQuixote DomQuixote 61-65, M Dec 14, 2015

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    One day, while strolling down the boardwalk,

    John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed. “I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John. “That’s incredible...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 1 Response Dec 25, 2015

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    Electric Fence / Lawn Mower

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 46-50, F 12 Responses May 28, 2012

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    During a recent robbery in Hong Kong,

    the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. When a lady lay on the...
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 6 Responses Aug 30, 2014

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    Engineer In Hell An engineer dies

    and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build...
    fishsweeper fishsweeper 56-60, F 13 Responses Sep 11, 2014

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    A therapist has a theory

    that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 2 Responses Jan 29

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    A Man's Wish A man was sick

    and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in...
    robbie1280 robbie1280 22-25, T 2 Responses Jun 10, 2014

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    My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well,

    I was amazed! I never thought they worked!
    Harryp0tter Harryp0tter 13-15, F 2 Responses Jan 15

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    This one is an absolute killer.

    Wife : Don't you have simple manners?......I'm speaking for hours and you keep yawning every minute. Husband : I'm not yawning... I'm trying to say something !!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Oct 21, 2014

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    A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

    She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.She immediately moved to another seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.He seemed more amused.When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested...
    expressomarkie expressomarkie 46-50, M 3 Responses May 7, 2015

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    A Priest and a Minister

    and a Rabbi were having a discussion on how they split the collection money. The Priest says "I draw a circle a circle on the ground. Then I throw all the money up in the air and what falls in the circle I keep and rest I give to the Lord". The Minister says, "I draw a line in...
    johnny253 johnny253 70+, M 1 Response Jan 27

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    Husband takes the wife to a disco.

    There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he’s still ******* celebrating!!"
    DomQuixote DomQuixote 61-65, M 1 Response Dec 14, 2015

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    A teacher asks her class,

    "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then, Little Johnny...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 5 Responses Dec 24, 2014

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    A nun was sitting with her Mother Superior

    chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." "When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that...
    stefanbanner stefanbanner 46-50, M 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    Tragic fact: Every year hundreds of children

    are shipped off to mime school, never to be heard from again.
    deleted deleted 26-30 2 Responses Jan 25

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    Mum told me she bought a rape alarm the other

    day. I said, "Don't ******* flatter yourself."
    Longpatrol90 Longpatrol90 22-25, M Dec 5, 2015

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    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
    Sadie14 Sadie14 22-25, F 22 Responses Jul 3, 2014

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