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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,602 People

    Escaped Convict

    Escaped convict A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her...
    pmurillo pmurillo 26-30, F 5 Responses Sep 30, 2013

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    This one is an absolute killer.

    Wife : Don't you have simple manners?......I'm speaking for hours and you keep yawning every minute. Husband : I'm not yawning... I'm trying to say something !!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 7 Responses Oct 21

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    "Sunday Morning Sex" Upon hearing

    that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on...
    xalian xalian 41-45, M 5 Responses May 27

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    Old MacDonald had a farm

    and the Dr. was surprised:))))
    ALincoln5 ALincoln5 66-70, M Oct 31

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    Two boys are good friends in their class (they

    are the age of 9) during the class break they go to Wash room for ******* so one boy found other guys organ bigger than him the boy asked how come yours is bigger than mine the boy answered I am eating peanuts everyday the boy went back home told mom that I need 50 cents...
    Lakee112812 Lakee112812 36-40, F 3 days ago

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    Man enters a drugstore

    and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. The Pharmacist asks, "What size?" to which the man replies, "I'm not exactly sure." The pharmacist grabs something from under the counter and hands it to the man, "Well, take this board with holes, go to the bathroom and the hole...
    Ed360 Ed360 41-45, F 5 Responses Jun 3

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    How do you know that Apple is run by men?

    They call it the iPhone 6+ but it's only 5.5 inches.
    nyc10024a nyc10024a 36-40 2 Responses Oct 22

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    A Passenger in a taxi leaned forward to ask the

    driver a question. He tapped the driver on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't...
    Saylowman Saylowman 46-50, M 2 Responses Nov 4

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    Tummy Trouble

    A little boy wakes up during the night and walks into his parents room, and see's his mother bouncing up and down on top of his father.The parents stop and the mother quickly dismounts, pulling the covers around herself."What where you and daddy doing ?" the boy asks his mother...
    CazieM CazieM 26-30, F 2 Responses Aug 28, 2012

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    I was waiting tables at a country club

    when an elegantly dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with a napkin. Having plenty of experience with getting out feed stains, I asked, "Can I bring you some club soda?" "Young lady," she barked, "I...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Oct 23

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    What do you call an unsure carpet?

    A shrug! Get it!? No? Okay.
    Skuggington Skuggington 13-15, M Oct 31

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    Couple is having a quickie

    and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
    Toohottohandle1 Toohottohandle1 31-35, F 3 Responses Mar 26

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    Popping the question Jimmie,

    an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jun 17

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    Halloween's near... Pardon me.

    I hate to interrupt, but you've captured my eye. Could I have it back? It's the only one I've got, to fall in love with you at first sight. Hey, Baby, did you know they call me "PumpkinHead"? I’ve got a rubber mask and you’ve got the candy- let’s go trick or treating...
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 2 Responses Oct 21

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    My friend is sooo funny.

    He says that onions are the only food that can make you cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.
    Xlandria61 Xlandria61 61-65, F 2 Responses Nov 2

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    A guy wakes up from a coma.

    .. His doctor asks him what he remembers. - All i remember is getting on an elevator with a gorgeous woman and her husband. She had a beautiful cleavage and i couldn't stop staring at it. She then looked at me and told me "Can you please press one?".
    Saylowman Saylowman 46-50, M Nov 5

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    The Husband Store! (Joke) A store

    that sells husbands has just opened in NewYork City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE ! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as...
    IAMPINAY IAMPINAY 22-25, F 1 Response Nov 9

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    For the Sexless Marriage Group

    Ok, now, if you're in a sexless marriage and wonder why, this will give you a clue! LOL Enjoy! Cheleanne   A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.     ...
    Cheleanne Cheleanne 66-70, F 9 Responses Nov 13, 2007

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    while creating husbands,

    God promised women that good and ideal husbands will be found in all the corners of the world....and then HE created the world round... :-)))
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 2 Responses Nov 18

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    Politicians A busload of politicians were

    driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Nov 3

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    "Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

    I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "'Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may...
    Saylowman Saylowman 46-50, M 1 Response 6 days ago

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    Engineer In Hell An engineer dies

    and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build...
    fishsweeper fishsweeper 51-55, F 13 Responses Sep 11

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    Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?

    " Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you? "Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does thefat cow give you? Student: "Homework!"
    Ellainemaidess Ellainemaidess 18-21, F 1 Response Nov 7

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    Mary had a little lamb

    and the Dr. was surprised:)
    ALincoln5 ALincoln5 66-70, M Oct 30

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    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

    For the sake of civility,and to keep it from getting sunburn he put his hat over his privates. As a woman walked past she said to the man snickering " if you were a gentleman. You'd lift your hat" The man raised an eyebrow and calmly replied " if you weren't so ugly it would...
    Daisyellenrose Daisyellenrose 13-15, F 12 Responses Jul 27

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    Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic.

    " Father: "Why?" Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'" Father: "But that's right!" Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'" Father: "What's the ******* difference?" Boy: "That's exactly what I said!" LOL
    zoiera zoiera 26-30, F 5 Responses Oct 6

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    An 80-yr-old man asked his Wife: Do you feel sad

    when you see me running after young girls? Wife: No, not at all, even DOGS chase cars, but can't drive them!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 2 Responses Sep 6

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    A sadist, a masochist,

    a murderer, a necrophiliac, a zoophiliac and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. "Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophiliac. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it?" says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then...
    smokeyboat2 smokeyboat2 70+, M 4 Responses Apr 12

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    Two boys are good friends in thier class (they

    are the age of 9) during the class break they go to CR for ******* so one boy found other guys organ bigger than him the boy asked how come yours is bigger than mine the boy answered I am eating peanuts everyday the boy went back home told mom that I need 50 cents??? mother...
    Lakee112812 Lakee112812 36-40, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    There was a couple sleeping.

    The wife had a bad dream, she woke up scared and cried. Her husband comforted her and asked why she cried, she replied: “I had a dream that a very rich and handsome man kidnapped me from you.” Husband: “It is ok honey, it was just a dream.” Wife responded...
    Camouflage Camouflage 18-21, M Nov 16

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    A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

    After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his balls. Something she just loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned to her and ask her: "why do you love doing that?" because... She replied.." I really miss mine." Hahahaha !!!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 3 Responses Oct 15

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    Grandmas Are Great

    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his grandmother asking him to send her acurrent photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in aNudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he...
    code091933 code091933 46-50, M 7 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    A secretary got an expensive pen

    as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce. The 'Thank You' email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Aug 8

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    Electric Fence / Lawn Mower

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
    Babydoll42 Babydoll42 41-45, F 12 Responses May 28, 2012

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    Do you know why Blonde girls have an advantage

    over girls of other hair color? Because if they behave stupid, they have an excuse for their bhavior to fall back on:)))
    ALincoln5 ALincoln5 66-70, M Nov 8

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    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...
    enchantingjade enchantingjade 36-40 11 Responses Jul 20, 2012

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    I know a guy that crushes Pepsi cans

    for a living. It's soda pressing.
    Saylowman Saylowman 46-50, M 1 Response Nov 11

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 10 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    A little kid was out trick-or-treating on

    Halloween dressed as a pirate. He rang a house's doorbell and the door was opened by a lady. "Oh, how cute! A little pirate! And where are your buccaneers?" she asked. The boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 14

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    An indian brave and his son were sitting around

    the camp fire and his son, looking up at the sky, says to his Dad, "Dad,what keep the earth from falling ". His Dad says, Son, A great turtle hold the world up". His son thinks a moment and says,"But what keeps that turtle up". And his father says,"He stands on the back of an...
    ALincoln5 ALincoln5 66-70, M 5 days ago

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    Wife: "How would you describe me?

    " Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
    satish0307 satish0307 26-30, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Jul 24

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    Have you guys heard the Ebola joke?

    Doesn't matter. No one gets it anyways.
    Mikiec34 Mikiec34 51-55, M 3 Responses Oct 22

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    I'm not a huge fan of racist jokes

    but this one is just hilarious to me: On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is Asian, one is Mexican, one is black, and the last one is white. The Asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof. Next, the Mexican walks to...
    GetYourFreakOn GetYourFreakOn 16-17, F 1 Response Oct 30

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    During a recent robbery in Hong Kong,

    the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. When a lady lay on the...
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 9 Responses Aug 30

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    A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a

    deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl and they're both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman...
    Callllie Callllie 70+, F 5 Responses Jul 16

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    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
    Sadie14 Sadie14 18-21, F 15 Responses Jul 3

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    Marriage Counsellor

    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
    HardingP119 HardingP119 36-40, M 11 Responses Aug 24, 2013

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    Getting fit and fab..

    .... (Photo)
    redtigerhood911 redtigerhood911 22-25, F Aug 6

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    A Man's Wish A man was sick

    and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in...
    robbie1280 robbie1280 18-21 2 Responses Jun 10

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    A butcher watching over his shop was really

    surprised when he saw a dog coming inside the shop. He kicks it away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please. I have money in my...
    Johanns Johanns 22-25, M 1 Response Nov 5

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    Anyone have any funny jokes?

    They can be about anything