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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,974 People

    A Man's Wish A man was sick

    and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in...
    robbie1280 robbie1280 18-21, T 3 Responses Jun 10, 2014

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    Dance like no one is watching.

    .because they're not,they're checking their phone lol
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 5 Responses May 8

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    Politicians A busload of politicians were

    driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Nov 3, 2014

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    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...
    enchantingjade enchantingjade 36-40 12 Responses Jul 20, 2012

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    A secretary got an expensive pen

    as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce. The 'Thank You' email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Aug 8, 2014

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    A man received a message from his

    neighbor: Sorry Sir, I am using your wife day and night when you're not present at home. In fact,much more than you do. I confess this now because I'm feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. The man is down with heart attack. A few minutes later, he...
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 5 Responses May 14

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    Morris walks out into the street

    and hails a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Liam." "Who?" "Liam O'Connor. There's a lad who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Liam.""Every path...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 8

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    A young woman went to her doctor complaining of

    pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 1 Response May 2

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    A photon checks into a hotel

    and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies, “No, I'm traveling light.”
    kimchiaddict kimchiaddict 36-40, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    It's cake O' clock Police officer: miss

    why you have a knife? Lady: yes officer, I carry a knife... But that's just in case I find a cake ..
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 3 Responses May 11

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    A teacher is teaching a class

    and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two...
    kittykat419 kittykat419 18-21, F 2 Responses Mar 24

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    So my mom was trying to make food

    but she hurt her hand. So my sis was like "you can't be cooking mommy" and I'm like "you think you can do these things but you can't nemo!" (Quote from a movie in case you don't know)
    YLIhououin YLIhououin 18-21, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Jul 24, 2014

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    Joke- The Redhead A man is dining in a fancy

    restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs...
    mguinm mguinm 41-45, F 11 Responses Mar 7

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    This one is an absolute killer.

    Wife : Don't you have simple manners?......I'm speaking for hours and you keep yawning every minute. Husband : I'm not yawning... I'm trying to say something !!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 7 Responses Oct 21, 2014

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    A lady approaches her priest

    and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed...
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 3 Responses Dec 5, 2014

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    On their 40th wedding anniversary

    and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a

    deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl and they're both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman...
    Callllie Callllie 70+, F 6 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    Teacher; why did you late Student; my mom

    and dad was fighting Teacher; okey they were fighting what was you doing Student; sir, one pair of shoes of mine mom had it and another one dad had
    mkdpk mkdpk 41-45, M May 20

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    There is a knock on the pearly gates.

    Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there’s another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. “Hey, are you...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses May 3

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    Girl 1: If I go into

    that kitchen right now, are there still gonna be two bananas? Girl 2: Vince ate them. Vince: Nah, I don't eat bananas, they make me look apish. Girl 2: You look apish holding a pen.
    TGBman TGBman 22-25, M 1 Response May 20

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    After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband,

    "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses May 4

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    Getting fit and fab..

    .... (Photo)
    redtigerhood911 redtigerhood911 22-25, F 1 Response Aug 6, 2014

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    If you're ever cold just stand in a corner.

    They're usually around 90 Degrees.
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 5 Responses Dec 16, 2014

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    A guy walks into a post office one day to see a

    middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    Pretty girl wanting to marry a rich

    husband: "I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above. You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class...
    kimchiaddict kimchiaddict 36-40, M 5 Responses 2 days ago

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    For the Sexless Marriage Group

    Ok, now, if you're in a sexless marriage and wonder why, this will give you a clue! LOL Enjoy! Cheleanne   A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.     ...
    Cheleanne Cheleanne 66-70, F 9 Responses Nov 13, 2007

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    Engineer In Hell An engineer dies

    and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build...
    fishsweeper fishsweeper 51-55, F 14 Responses Sep 11, 2014

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    Some guy got in trouble

    for calling a women a "vagina", can you imagine what it'd be like if we called people according to their genitals? What a ****..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 1 Response May 12

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    Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to

    catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

    For the sake of civility,and to keep it from getting sunburn he put his hat over his privates. As a woman walked past she said to the man snickering " if you were a gentleman. You'd lift your hat" The man raised an eyebrow and calmly replied " if you weren't so ugly it would...
    Ridingtonewyork Ridingtonewyork 16-17, F 16 Responses Jul 27, 2014

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    Redneck murders are hard to solve,

    all the DNA is the same and there are no dental records....:P
    LadyLouisiana LadyLouisiana 56-60, F 5 Responses Mar 27

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    A married Irishman went into the confessional

    and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not...
    marmelade marmelade 51-55, F 7 Responses Feb 16

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    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 9 Responses May 6

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    A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.

    A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train." Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 14

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    Your always there to catch me

    when I fall Thank you floor.
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 2 Responses Apr 13

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    Couple is having a quickie

    and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
    Toohottohandle1 Toohottohandle1 31-35, F 3 Responses Mar 26, 2014

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 10 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    "The Worrier" Henry always worried about

    everything all his life. But one day his coworkers noticed Henry seemed like a changed man. They remarked that he didn’t seem to be the least bit worried about anything. Henry said he’d hired a professional worrier and no longer had any problems. “A professional worrier...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 23 hrs ago

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    Question; love should be

    before marriage or after? Answer; doesn't matter, before or after, just don't let your wife know
    mkdpk mkdpk 41-45, M 1 Response May 19

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    Marriage Counsellor

    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
    HardingP119 HardingP119 36-40, M 10 Responses Aug 24, 2013

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    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
    Sadie14 Sadie14 18-21, F 19 Responses Jul 3, 2014

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    mouse was in rush, cat asked,

    where you heading to? said, my friend elephant got wounded in fight, so I'm going to donate the blood
    mkdpk mkdpk 41-45, M a week ago

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    A man tells a doctor,

    "I think my wife's going deaf. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Well, try to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. That way we can see how...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    If you're going to be a smart ***,

    first make sure you're smart, otherwise you're just an ***.. Lol
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 5 Responses May 12

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    Scientist say... The world is made up of

    Protons, Neutrons , and Electrons... But they forgot to mention MORONS... Lol
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 5 Responses May 14

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