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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,476 People

    A man is sat in a bar

    when a blonde woman walks in. Excuse me lady would you like to hear my blonde joke? The man says Listen mister came the reply I may have blonde hair but I'm 6 feet 2 inches, weigh 20 stone and am the female British boxing champion. Now my friend over there who also has blonde...
    jason230868 jason230868 36-40, M 1 Response 6 days ago

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    Engineer In Hell An engineer dies

    and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build...
    fishsweeper fishsweeper 51-55, F 8 Responses Sep 11

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    During a recent robbery in Hong Kong,

    the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. When a lady lay on the...
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 9 Responses Aug 30

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    Question: if ur car begins to hydroplane u

    shud: A. Reduce ur speed and let the car decelerate B. Slam the breaks C. Do nothing & allow ur car to turn into the plane it has always dreamed of
    Chiscuit Chiscuit 26-30, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    RagnarLodbrok RagnarLodbrok 41-45, M Sep 12

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    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 1 Response 5 days ago

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    A secretary got an expensive pen

    as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce. The 'Thank You' email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 7 Responses Aug 8

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 11 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    "Sunday Morning Sex" Upon hearing

    that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on...
    xalian xalian 41-45, M 5 Responses May 27

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    A man went to the Police Station wishing to

    speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Sep 9

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    Grandmas Are Great

    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his grandmother asking him to send her acurrent photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in aNudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he...
    code091933 code091933 46-50, M 7 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    What did the right breast say to the left

    breast? If we keep hanging around here all the time people will think that we are nuts!
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M Sep 10

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    The teacher asked Jimmy,

    "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today! lafs :D
    UOLAUC UOLAUC 22-25, F 1 Response 6 days ago

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    It is only when a mosquito lands on your

    testicle that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without violence😂😂😄
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

    For the sake of civility,and to keep it from getting sunburn he put his hat over his privates. As a woman walked past she said to the man snickering " if you were a gentleman. You'd lift your hat" The man raised an eyebrow and calmly replied " if you weren't so ugly it would...
    Daisyellenrose Daisyellenrose 13-15, F 12 Responses Jul 27

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    Marriage Counsellor

    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
    HardingP119 HardingP119 36-40, M 11 Responses Aug 24, 2013

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    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
    Sadie14 Sadie14 18-21, F 13 Responses Jul 3

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    WaterOx WaterOx 41-45, M 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    An 80-yr-old man asked his Wife: Do you feel sad

    when you see me running after young girls? Wife: No, not at all, even DOGS chase cars, but can't drive them!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 2 Responses Sep 6

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    The Norse god Thor decided to become a mortal

    for a while and went down to earth. He met a beautiful girl and they spent the evening together. In the morning Thor decided to reveal his identity to the woman. "I'm Thor" he said. "You're thor!" she said, "Lithen buthter, I'm tho thor I can hardly thit down!"
    RagnarLodbrok RagnarLodbrok 41-45, M 2 Responses Sep 10

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    What did the right testicle say to the left

    testicle? Why are we hanged when the middle guy is the guilty one?
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M Sep 10

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    her nagging is a sign

    that she cares, her silence means she's plotting your death XD
    littleana littleana 18-21, F 1 Response 2 hrs ago

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    Duck Hunters A woman brought a very limp duck

    into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed...
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 3 days ago

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    While working in a clothing store,

    I noticed that people had no shame about returning items that obviously had been worn. One rainy morning I walked in and found a discolored blazer hanging on the rack with other returns. "People return the most filthy, nasty things," I commented to my supervisor who was standing...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Sep 13

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    A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo

    safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 27

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    Q: Why did the Aggie take a golf club

    and a baseball glove storm chasing with him? A: To golf the golf ball size hail and catch the baseball size hail.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    A Man's Wish A man was sick

    and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in...
    robbie1280 robbie1280 18-21, M 1 Response Jun 10

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    A wealthy man was having an affair with an

    Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he...
    mguinm mguinm 41-45, F 14 Responses Jul 19

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    A trucker who has been out on the road

    for two months, stopped on a brothel walk straight to the madam and drop off $500 sayin' "give me the ugliest woman you have and grilled cheese garlic. The madam was astonished "but sir with your money you can have the prettiest woman here available and a 3 course meal. Then...
    UOLAUC UOLAUC 22-25, F 4 Responses Sep 13

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    A bear walks into a bar in Baraboo

    and orders a beer. The bartender says," We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo." The bear demands he be served a beer. The bartender again tells him," We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Baraboo." The bear, very angry now, says, "Serve me a beer or I'll eat...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Sep 11

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    In Heaven, two ladies talk to each other:

    SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a...
    Scaramooch Scaramooch 46-50, M 13 Responses May 15

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    For the Sexless Marriage Group

    Ok, now, if you're in a sexless marriage and wonder why, this will give you a clue! LOL Enjoy! Cheleanne   A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.     ...
    Cheleanne Cheleanne 66-70, F 10 Responses Nov 13, 2007

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    Escaped Convict

    Escaped convict A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her...
    pmurillo pmurillo 26-30, F 6 Responses Sep 30, 2013

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    A redhead tells her blonde stepsister,

    "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You sl**! How many is a Brazilian?"
    BobRussell BobRussell 56-60, M 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    A famous Viking explorer returned home from a

    voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
    RagnarLodbrok RagnarLodbrok 41-45, M Sep 10

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    Getting fit and fab..

    .... (Photo)
    Zoren047 Zoren047 22-25, F Aug 6

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    Man enters a drugstore

    and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. The Pharmacist asks, "What size?" to which the man replies, "I'm not exactly sure." The pharmacist grabs something from under the counter and hands it to the man, "Well, take this board with holes, go to the bathroom and the hole...
    Ed360 Ed360 41-45, F 5 Responses Jun 3

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    Once there were two girls

    who went up to heaven. In heaven, God has duck ponds and if you step on a duck, you get chained to the most annoying, ugliest, most obnoxious person you have ever met. So the two girls were walking along the duck ponds in heaven, bragging that they haven't steppe don a duck. All...
    GetYourFreakOn GetYourFreakOn 16-17, F 3 Responses Sep 11

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    Just had a parcel from Holland,

    when I opened it, it was a rubber fanny! I thought, that's nice. two lips from Amsterdam !!!!!!
    Bullitt147 Bullitt147 41-45, M Sep 9

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    Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons.

    One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 26

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    littleana littleana 18-21, F 5 days ago

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    A helicopter was flying around above Seattle

    when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Mar 29

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    My friends and I have this running joke called

    "Turbo Tuesday." Tuesday is the most boring goddam day of the week, because it's not Monday where you're fresh off from the weekend, it's not Wednesday which is Hump Day, it's not Thursday which has something to look forward to, and it's not Friday or the goddam weekend. Tuesday...
    BlueMetalChick BlueMetalChick 18-21, F 6 Responses Mar 25

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    A boy that was being raised in a very religious

    family asked his mother for a new bike. His mother said, "Son, we pray to Jesus when we want something really badly." So the son thought that praying wouldn't be enough, so he sat down and began to write Jesus a letter: "Dear Jesus, If I am good for a whole month, would you...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    deleted deleted 26-30 5 Responses Jul 24

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    A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a

    deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl and they're both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman...
    calliecassidy calliecassidy 22-25, F 6 Responses Jul 16

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    Popping the question Jimmie,

    an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jun 17

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    Q: who says nothing is impossible?

    A: ive been doing nothing for years! Q: u know the oxygen masks on airplanes? A: i dont think theres really any oxygen.. I think theyre just to muffle the scream..
    Chiscuit Chiscuit 26-30, F 2 days ago

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    Electric Fence / Lawn Mower

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
    Babydoll42 Babydoll42 41-45, F 12 Responses May 28, 2012

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    "When I was born, God gave me 2 choices.

    I could either have great memory OR be great in bed. ****!! Now I forgot what I was gonna tell you!" Hahaha :))
    Zoren047 Zoren047 22-25, F 2 Responses 17 hrs ago

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    I was running errands today

    and this is what I saw . I guess he is on his way somewhere ROFLMAO .
    Justheretotalk40 Justheretotalk40 36-40, F 3 Responses 23 hrs ago

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    Skinny = anorexic , thick = obese ,

    virgin = too good , non-virgin = s--t , friendly = fake , quiet = rude. You can never please society.
    devdom devdom 46-50, M 5 Responses May 20

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    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...
    enchantingjade enchantingjade 36-40 11 Responses Jul 20, 2012

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    littleana littleana 18-21, F <