He asks St Peter, "Am I dead?"
St Peter answers, "yes you are".
Ed begins to break down. He says "no, I can't be dead! I have so much to live for! Please send me back!"
St Peter paused for a minute then said, "I can send you back but only as a chicken"
Ed asked, "Can you send me...
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his grandmother asking him to send her acurrent photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in aNudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he...
Boy : No..
Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ?
Boy : No..
Girl: How much is your salary.. ?
Boy : No salary.. but,..
Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i
Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3
property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I
and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not...
such a lazy bum and frankly it irritating and annoying, Husband O shut up you know some times i just want to hit you with damn shovel take you out to the wood and bury you. Wife why don't you then, Husband well first id have to get a shovel then id have to drive three miles to...
and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in...
If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.
The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.
If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
– Three to five times a week.
– No, no… I mean male or female?
– Male, female, sometimes camel.
– Holy cow!
– Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
– But isn’t that hostile?
– Horse style, doggy style, any style!
– Oh dear!
– No, no! Deer run too...
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.She immediately moved to another seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.He seemed more amused.When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested...
Sorry Sir, I am using your wife day and night when you're not present at home. In fact,much more than you do. I confess this now because I'm feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincerest apologies.
The man is down with heart attack. A few minutes later, he...
and some bad news which do you want first.., Husband good news first please. Wife I'm pregnant and I'm going to have baby Husband Thats great love so what the bad news.... Wife The bad news is your brother could be the father
grass, to which the husband answered, "What do I look like to you? A landscaper?!"
Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, "Honey, can you fix the faucet?" The husband replied, "What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!"
Two days later, a light bulb went out and...
and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob , the next-door neighbor..
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel...
driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the...
wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
and a kid answers with a whispering voice, "'hello?"'
-salesman, "hii kid are any of your parents home?"
-kid, '"yeah. my mommy and my daddy are both home.'"
-salesman, "oh great! can I speak with your mommy?"
-kid, '"nope. she's busy.'"
-salesman, "oh ok. then put your dad on...
where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the...
Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
when I saw a sign in front of a house that said "Talking dog for sale, $10."
Curious, I pulled over and asked the owner if this was for real. He assured me it was and directed me to the back yard where the dog was.
There was a normal-looking dog back there, and out of...
who have been married for many years head into the park near their home on a walk, they decide to sit down for a break. They notice a couple sitting a few benches over kissing very passionately. The wife watches for a moment before she turns to her husband and says, “Honey...
"If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then, Little Johnny...
the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank:
"Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you."
Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.
This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.
When a lady lay on the...
as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce.
The 'Thank You' email says:
"Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
A person being interviewed at the US Embassy
CONSUL: "Your name, please?"
PERSON: "SIX times a week."
CONSUL: "I mean, male or femalE*?
PERSON: "Both male & female & sometimes even camels."
CONSUL: "Holy cow!"
PERSON:"Yes, cows & dogs too...
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard".
Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided...
For the sake of civility,and to keep it from getting sunburn he put his hat over his privates.
As a woman walked past she said to the man snickering " if you were a gentleman. You'd lift your hat"
The man raised an eyebrow and calmly replied " if you weren't so ugly it would...