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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 3,140 People

    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
    Sadie14 Sadie14 18-21, F 20 Responses Jul 3, 2014

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    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Jul 24, 2014

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    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

    For the sake of civility,and to keep it from getting sunburn he put his hat over his privates. As a woman walked past she said to the man snickering " if you were a gentleman. You'd lift your hat" The man raised an eyebrow and calmly replied " if you weren't so ugly it would...
    Ridingtonewyork Ridingtonewyork 16-17, F 16 Responses Jul 27, 2014

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    Q: What does sex have in common with a savings

    account? A: You lose interest once you make a withdrawal.
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 9 Responses Jun 14

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    After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last

    year, English scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago. Not to be outdone by the English, in the weeks that followed, Scottish scientists dug to a depth...
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 7 Responses 6 days ago

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    Politicians A busload of politicians were

    driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Nov 3, 2014

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    A Man's Wish A man was sick

    and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in...
    robbie1280 robbie1280 22-25, T 2 Responses Jun 10, 2014

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    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...
    enchantingjade enchantingjade 36-40 12 Responses Jul 20, 2012

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    Your always there to catch me

    when I fall Thank you floor.
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 2 Responses Apr 13

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    As an airplane is about to crash,

    a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces: 'If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.' She removes all her clothing and asks, 'Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?' A man stands up, removes his shirt and says...
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 4 Responses 5 days ago

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    There I was , sitting at the bar ,

    staring at my drink , when a large biker steps up next to me , grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig . Well what ya gonna do about it ? He says to me menacingly , as I burst into tears . Come on man , he says to me , I didn't think you would cry , I can't stand to see a...
    Spiritual40 Spiritual40 36-40, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    A man escapes from prison

    where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 7 Responses Jan 1

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    A man called 999 and said,

    'I think my wife is dead.' The operator asked, 'How do you know?' The man said, 'The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up ..'
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 7 Responses 5 days ago

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    A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

    The bus driver instinctively recoils in horror and says, 'thats the ugliest baby I've ever seen'. The woman goes and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her, 'the bus driver just insulted me!' The man says, "you go back and tell 'im what you think of 'im, I'll hold...
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 4 Responses Aug 21

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    Joke- The Redhead A man is dining in a fancy

    restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs...
    mguinm mguinm 41-45, F 12 Responses Mar 7

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    I had an e-mail saying,

    'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards .. ' I thought, 'that's just spam.'
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 3 Responses 4 days ago

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    I found an old return ticket in my pocket the

    other day. It took me back.
    Hojan Hojan 41-45, M 4 days ago

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    This one is an absolute killer.

    Wife : Don't you have simple manners?......I'm speaking for hours and you keep yawning every minute. Husband : I'm not yawning... I'm trying to say something !!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Oct 21, 2014

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    What do you call a person

    who will not fart in front of others? A private toot-er! :-D
    701TeaseMe 701TeaseMe 31-35, F 1 Response 5 days ago

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    Girl in cinema turns sideways

    and whispers to her boyfriend. 'The man next to me is ************!' 'Ignore him.' 'I can't.' 'Why not?' 'He's using my hand!'
    PAL15 PAL15 26-30, M 1 Response 6 days ago

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    A magician was facing an unruly crowd

    as his tricks failed to impress them. To cheer them up, the magician said: 'could any one please give me an egg. For I shall show you a marvelous trick' One at the last row shouted: 'If we had an egg with us, it would have reached you long before'
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 4 days ago

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    A lady approaches her priest

    and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed...
    deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses Dec 5, 2014

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    A man orders a drink from a barman.

    The barman says there is a small delay and tells the man to take a seat at the bar. As he waits the customer helps himself to some peanuts. The peanuts talk to him and say "sir you're so thoughtful for eating us. Thank you". Bemused to say the least the man goes to help himself...
    Hojan Hojan 41-45, M 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    During a recent robbery in Hong Kong,

    the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. When a lady lay on the...
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 7 Responses Aug 30, 2014

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    Girl in cinema turns sideways

    and whispers to her boyfriend.'The man next to me is ************!''Ignore him.''I can't.''Why not?''He's using my hand!'
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 5 Responses 6 days ago

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    fuwhat fuwhat 18-21, M Aug 23

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    An Englishman, a Scotsman,

    an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub...
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    A man buys a lie detector robot w/c slaps people

    who lie. He decides 2 test it during dinner. DAD: Son, where were u 2day during school hrs? SON: @ School. Robot slaps son! SON: Ok, I lied, I went 2d movies. DAD: W/c one? SON: Toy Story. Robot slaps son again! SON: Ok, it was p0rn. DAD: What?! When I was your age, I didn't...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 5 Responses Dec 27, 2014

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    Engineer In Hell An engineer dies

    and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build...
    fishsweeper fishsweeper 56-60, F 13 Responses Sep 11, 2014

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    What did the blonde ask the doctor

    after her delivered her baby? Are you sure its mine????
    satnlacy satnlacy 22-25, T 1 Response 3 days ago

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 10 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    Chuck Norris sleeps with the lights on,

    because the darks afraid of him..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 5 Responses Dec 25, 2014

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    A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a

    farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road." The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Aug 13

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    fuwhat fuwhat 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

    While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya...
    PAL15 PAL15 26-30, M 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    A married Irishman went into the confessional

    and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not...
    marmelade marmelade 51-55, F 6 Responses Feb 16

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    Sublevarse Sublevarse 18-21, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    A man goes skydiving

    for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Aug 18

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    Electric Fence / Lawn Mower

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 46-50, F 12 Responses May 28, 2012

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    A man standing talking to a husband

    and wife farts. The husband says "how dare you fart before my wife", the man replied "I'm sorry I didn't realise it was her turn@.
    Hojan Hojan 41-45, M 5 days ago

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    Right! The cheek of my wifi at times.

    It's too scared to show my requested browser but has the b8lls to say... "You are not connected..." TalkTalk! (UK) if this is yer idea of a consistent joke...
    Sazzio Sazzio 26-30, M Aug 18

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    If I gave you 2 cats ,

    and another 2 cats , and another 2 cats , how many would you have ? Seven . No , listen carefully......If I gave you 2 cats , and another 2 cats , and another 2 cats , how many would you have ? Seven . Let me put it to you differently . If I gave you 2 apples , and...
    Spiritual40 Spiritual40 36-40, F 1 Response 17 hrs ago

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    Police Officer: "How high are you?

    " Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Dec 26, 2014

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    An Englishman, an Irishman

    and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee; and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?' Her husband...
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 4 Responses 1 day ago

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    A secretary got an expensive pen

    as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce. The 'Thank You' email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Aug 8, 2014

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    Husband: 'Fancy a quickie?

    ' Wife: 'As opposed to what?'
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 6 Responses 5 days ago

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