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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,497 People

    Man enters a drugstore

    and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. The Pharmacist asks, "What size?" to which the man replies, "I'm not exactly sure." The pharmacist grabs something from under the counter and hands it to the man, "Well, take this board with holes, go to the bathroom and the hole...
    Ed360 Ed360 41-45, F 5 Responses Jun 3

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    Couple is having a quickie

    and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
    Toohottohandle1 Toohottohandle1 31-35, F 3 Responses Mar 26

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    A redhead tells her blonde stepsister,

    "I slept with a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You sl**! How many is a Brazilian?"
    BobRussell BobRussell 56-60, M 2 Responses Sep 17

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    Little Johnny

    The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny,a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said. 'Very good...
    belover0069 belover0069 22-25, F 45 Responses Oct 1, 2012

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    REST YOUR MIND I know you have been laying

    awake at night wondering why baby diapers have Brand names such as 'luvs, huggies, and pampers, while undergarments for old people are called Depends. Well here is the low down on the whole thing. When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and...
    Gettingout72 Gettingout72 41-45, F 6 Responses Sep 6

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    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

    For the sake of civility,and to keep it from getting sunburn he put his hat over his privates. As a woman walked past she said to the man snickering " if you were a gentleman. You'd lift your hat" The man raised an eyebrow and calmly replied " if you weren't so ugly it would...
    Daisyellenrose Daisyellenrose 13-15, F 12 Responses Jul 27

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    ConfusedAgainAlways ConfusedAgainAlways 26-30, F 1 Response a week ago

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    Marriage Counsellor

    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
    HardingP119 HardingP119 36-40, M 11 Responses Aug 24, 2013

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    A sadist, a masochist,

    a murderer, a necrophiliac, a zoophiliac and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. "Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophiliac. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it?" says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then...
    smokeyboat2 smokeyboat2 70+, M 4 Responses Apr 12

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    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Jul 24

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    A boy that was being raised in a very religious

    family asked his mother for a new bike. His mother said, "Son, we pray to Jesus when we want something really badly." So the son thought that praying wouldn't be enough, so he sat down and began to write Jesus a letter: "Dear Jesus, If I am good for a whole month, would you...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Sep 19

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    A young man with a wild

    and multi-coloured hairstyle sits next to an old man on a park bench. The old man stares at the young man. "What's the matter, old man?" says the young man. "Never done anything crazy in your life?" The old man replies: "Yeah. When I was in the Navy, I got really drunk one...
    SagSunshine2014 SagSunshine2014 41-45, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    A secretary got an expensive pen

    as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce. The 'Thank You' email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 7 Responses Aug 8

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    lightraydawn lightraydawn 18-21, F Sep 16

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    Escaped Convict

    Escaped convict A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her...
    pmurillo pmurillo 26-30, F 6 Responses Sep 30, 2013

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    Popping the question Jimmie,

    an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jun 17

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    The congregation was sitting

    and waiting for the preacher to began his sermon when two masked men burst into the church and said "Whoever is not willing to take a bullet for Jesus better leave now." More than half of the congregation jumped up and ran out the door. The two men took off their masks, sat in...
    SagSunshine2014 SagSunshine2014 41-45, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    An 80-yr-old man asked his Wife: Do you feel sad

    when you see me running after young girls? Wife: No, not at all, even DOGS chase cars, but can't drive them!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 2 Responses Sep 6

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    BS1999 BS1999 13-15, M 2 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    A middle age couple go to the Dr

    for their annual visit. After the standard tests were done, the Dr. told the husband, "Mr Jones, I want to put you on a high protein, low carbohydrate diet. Mr Jones says "What about fats"? The Dr. says" I'm putting her on one too.":))))))
    ALincoln5 ALincoln5 66-70, M 5 days ago

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    WaterOx WaterOx 41-45, M 2 Responses Sep 17

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    Makes milkshake and put it at the backyard.

    After a few hours no one came. Went to mom and said that the "milkshake" song was a lie. Mom says "Come. Let me sing it for you." Mama sings and it went like this: Your milkshake don't bring anyone to the yard, 'cause they're like I can't take that. And they're like It's not...
    Artz4Life Artz4Life 16-17, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    "Sunday Morning Sex" Upon hearing

    that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on...
    xalian xalian 41-45, M 5 Responses May 27

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    Electric Fence / Lawn Mower

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
    Babydoll42 Babydoll42 41-45, F 12 Responses May 28, 2012

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    If I can't post my story,

    I'm at least posting the preamble goddammit. The other day I was having a rather heated argument with someone over a particular minority. I had suggested a book to someone, and they had thanked me for it, I had just suggested it to someone else (Poy1) and thought this person...
    TheDaken TheDaken 26-30, M 2 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    Sooooooo , I was running errands this weekend

    and I saw this . I could not stop laughing and I just had to take the pic . All I can say is , if he has a license then let him drive , he is definitely on his way somewhere lmao
    MyLifeMojaStvar MyLifeMojaStvar 36-40, F 1 Response 5 days ago

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    A wealthy man was having an affair with an

    Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he...
    mguinm mguinm 41-45, F 14 Responses Jul 19

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    For the Sexless Marriage Group

    Ok, now, if you're in a sexless marriage and wonder why, this will give you a clue! LOL Enjoy! Cheleanne   A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.     ...
    Cheleanne Cheleanne 66-70, F 9 Responses Nov 13, 2007

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    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 1 Response Sep 16

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    A Man's Wish A man was sick

    and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in...
    robbie1280 robbie1280 18-21, M 1 Response Jun 10

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    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...
    enchantingjade enchantingjade 36-40 11 Responses Jul 20, 2012

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    A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a

    deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl and they're both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman...
    Callllie Callllie 70+ 6 Responses Jul 16

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    Funny Ultimate Truths:

    1. Whenever i find the Key to Success, someone changes the lock. 2. The road to success is always under Construction 3. In order to get a loan, You first need to Prove that you don't need it 4. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or Married ;) 5...
    traveller139 traveller139 22-25, M 7 Responses Jan 28, 2013

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    Q: Why did the Aggie take a golf club

    and a baseball glove storm chasing with him? A: To golf the golf ball size hail and catch the baseball size hail.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Sep 20

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    During a recent robbery in Hong Kong,

    the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. When a lady lay on the...
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 10 Responses Aug 30

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    "When I was born, God gave me 2 choices.

    I could either have great memory OR be great in bed. ****!! Now I forgot what I was gonna tell you!" Hahaha :))
    Zoren047 Zoren047 22-25, F 2 Responses Sep 21

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    Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons.

    One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 26

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    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
    Sadie14 Sadie14 18-21, F 14 Responses Jul 3

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    Skinny = anorexic , thick = obese ,

    virgin = too good , non-virgin = s--t , friendly = fake , quiet = rude. You can never please society.
    devdom devdom 46-50, M 6 Responses May 20

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    next time when a stranger talks to me

    when im alone i will look at them and shock and just whisper to them quietly "you can see me?"
    lightraydawn lightraydawn 18-21, F 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    A young woman really thought she'd been very

    patient, through a long period of dating with no talk of marriage. One night her steady boyfriend took her out to a Chinese restaurant. As he looked over the menu, he casually asked her, "So... how do you want your rice? plain or fried?" Without missing a beat, she looked...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 6 days ago

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    A helicopter was flying around above Seattle

    when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Mar 29

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    Getting fit and fab..

    .... (Photo)
    Zoren047 Zoren047 22-25, F Aug 6

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    her nagging is a sign

    that she cares, her silence means she's plotting your death XD
    lightraydawn lightraydawn 18-21, F 1 Response Sep 21

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    Duck Hunters A woman brought a very limp duck

    into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed...
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M Sep 18

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    A member of the Country Club asked the

    lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim. "It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses 5 days ago

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    A parish priest was being honored at a dinner

    on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Sep 19

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    Engineer In Hell An engineer dies

    and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build...
    fishsweeper fishsweeper 51-55, F 10 Responses Sep 11

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    A man was sitting at the bar,

    drinking his beer while quietly reading the paper when a guy walks up next to him, points at the bartender and says "Hey Jackass! Get me a beer...". The man with the paper puts down his reading and watches as the bartender scurries over to the taps, pours a beer and then...
    leiferikson77 leiferikson77 36-40, M 1 Response 6 days ago

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    Grandmas Are Great

    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his grandmother asking him to send her acurrent photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in aNudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he...
    code091933 code091933 46-50, M 7 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 10 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    My friends and I have this running joke called

    "Turbo Tuesday." Tuesday is the most boring goddam day of the week, because it's not Monday where you're fresh off from the weekend, it's not Wednesday which is Hump Day, it's not Thursday which has something to look forward to, and it's not Friday or the goddam weekend. Tuesday...
    BlueMetalChick BlueMetalChick 18-21, F 6 Responses Mar 25

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    A French guy comes to America

    and starts his first day at an American school. His teacher tells him not to come back to class until he at least knows three words. He agrees and sets out to learn three words. He goes to NASA first and there, he leans the word "Take Off". Then he goes to the zoo and learns the...
    GetYourFreakOn GetYourFreakOn 16-17, F 3 Responses 2 days ago

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