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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 3,066 People

    A man escapes from prison

    where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 7 Responses Jan 1

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    “I’m not sexist – I’m not!

    That’s why I let my female workers work longer than the men so they can make the same money.”
    deleted deleted 26-30 Jul 11

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    Your always there to catch me

    when I fall Thank you floor.
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 2 Responses Apr 13

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    Hermione Ron and Dumbledore are all sat talking

    and in comes Harry Potter strutting butt arse naked with just cloak on sticks two fingers up at Dumbledore sticks his tong out at Ron and pinches Hermione on the butt, Hermione slaps him harry what the hell do you think your doing she says? At that point Harry reply o bugger i...
    BrynDavid BrynDavid 31-35, M Jul 21

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    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

    For the sake of civility,and to keep it from getting sunburn he put his hat over his privates. As a woman walked past she said to the man snickering " if you were a gentleman. You'd lift your hat" The man raised an eyebrow and calmly replied " if you weren't so ugly it would...
    Ridingtonewyork Ridingtonewyork 16-17, F 16 Responses Jul 27, 2014

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    After gunning his BMW the wrong way down a

    one-way street, the rather intoxicated young man was asked where he thought he was going by a curious police officer. “I’m not really sure,” confessed the drunk, “but wherever it is, I must be late, because everybody seems to be coming back already.”
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 11

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    Getting fit and fab..

    .... (Photo)
    redtigerhood911 redtigerhood911 22-25, F 1 Response Aug 6, 2014

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    I'm Wholly convinced some women don't fart.

    They just hold it in and it comes out as drama. Haha
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 1 Response Jul 16

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    Politicians A busload of politicians were

    driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Nov 3, 2014

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    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Jul 24, 2014

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    So there this psychic mystic doing a show

    and in walks this clown ( splat ) big pie right in her face and the clown says if you can really see the future why didn't you duck
    BrynDavid BrynDavid 31-35, M Jul 13

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    For the Sexless Marriage Group

    Ok, now, if you're in a sexless marriage and wonder why, this will give you a clue! LOL Enjoy! Cheleanne   A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.     ...
    Cheleanne Cheleanne 66-70, F 9 Responses Nov 13, 2007

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    Q: What does sex have in common with a savings

    account? A: You lose interest once you make a withdrawal.
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 9 Responses Jun 14

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    Marriage Counsellor

    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
    HardingP119 HardingP119 36-40, M 11 Responses Aug 24, 2013

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    A Man's Wish A man was sick

    and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in...
    robbie1280 robbie1280 18-21, T 2 Responses Jun 10, 2014

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    A horse walks into a bar,

    and the barman says "why the long face?"
    James1169 James1169 51-55, M Jul 5

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    At a girl's college dormitory,

    dates were permitted only on Saturday night. One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative he see a certain young lady immediately. "I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother." :) He said with...
    Aryg Aryg 36-40, F 4 Responses Jul 20

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    A woman walked up to a little old man rocking

    in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?" "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise." "That's amazing...
    boxersoff4u boxersoff4u 51-55, M 1 Response Jul 20

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    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...
    enchantingjade enchantingjade 36-40 12 Responses Jul 20, 2012

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    Chuck Norris sleeps with the lights on,

    because the darks afraid of him..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 5 Responses Dec 25, 2014

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    Engineer In Hell An engineer dies

    and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build...
    fishsweeper fishsweeper 56-60, F 13 Responses Sep 11, 2014

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    A lady approaches her priest

    and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed...
    deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses Dec 5, 2014

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    Q: What did one chair say to another chair?

    A: "Here comes another a**hole."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 17

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    Murphy the Drunk "Young man,

    " said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant. "It's alcohol and alcohol alone that's responsible for your present sorry state!" "I'm glad to hear you say that," replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it's all my fault!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 6 days ago

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    Why is psychotherapy a lot quicker

    for a man then for a women? Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.
    deleted deleted 26-30 6 Responses Jul 1

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    What do you call mixed emotions?

    Your mother-in-law driving off a cliff in your car
    KatnissGranger KatnissGranger 18-21, F 1 Response Jul 12

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    “When my wife and I argue,

    we’re like a band in concert: we start with some new stuff, and then we roll out our greatest hits.”
    deleted deleted 26-30 1 Response Jul 11

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 10 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    Q: Why do blondes take the pill?

    A: So they know what day of the week it is. [follow for more]
    Adamsofeve Adamsofeve 26-30, M 1 Response Jun 25

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    Knock, knock Who's there?

    Robin Robin who? Robin you! So hand over your cash. Lol
    hotpinkthong70 hotpinkthong70 41-45, M 5 days ago

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    A taxi passenger taps the driver on the

    shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window. For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jul 12

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    Electric Fence / Lawn Mower

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 46-50, F 11 Responses May 28, 2012

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    Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed

    every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.
    deleted deleted 26-30 1 Response Jul 21

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    During a recent robbery in Hong Kong,

    the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. When a lady lay on the...
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 7 Responses Aug 30, 2014

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    Q: Why did the boy throw butter out the window?

    A: Because he wanted to see a butterfly.
    hotpinkthong70 hotpinkthong70 41-45, M 1 Response 5 days ago

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    A man buys a lie detector robot w/c slaps people

    who lie. He decides 2 test it during dinner. DAD: Son, where were u 2day during school hrs? SON: @ School. Robot slaps son! SON: Ok, I lied, I went 2d movies. DAD: W/c one? SON: Toy Story. Robot slaps son again! SON: Ok, it was p0rn. DAD: What?! When I was your age, I didn't...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 5 Responses Dec 27, 2014

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    Police Officer: "How high are you?

    " Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Dec 26, 2014

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    If you're ever cold just stand in a corner.

    They're usually around 90 Degrees.
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 5 Responses Dec 16, 2014

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    Q: Why do skeletons play the piano in church?

    A: Because they don't have any organs.
    hotpinkthong70 hotpinkthong70 41-45, M 1 Response 5 days ago

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    A married Irishman went into the confessional

    and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not...
    marmelade marmelade 51-55, F 6 Responses Feb 16

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    The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the

    wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?" The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars." "What that tell you?" asked Tonto. The Lone...
    GJOFJ3 GJOFJ3 56-60, M 7 Responses Jul 5

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    My wife accused me of being immature.

    I told her to get out from my fort.
    deleted deleted 26-30 1 Response Jul 21

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    A panda walks into a restaurant,

    sits down and orders a sandwich. After he finishes eating the sandwich, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and then stands up to go. "Hey!" shouts the manager. "Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells...
    Longpatrol90 Longpatrol90 22-25, M 3 Responses Jul 8

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    A teacher is teaching a class

    and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two...
    kittykat419 kittykat419 18-21, F 2 Responses Mar 24

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    Math is like sex you add a bed Subtract the

    clothes Divide the legs And hope that you won't multiply
    Miki828 Miki828 16-17, M 20 hrs ago

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    LowercaseN LowercaseN 41-45, M 1 Response Jul 20

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    Couple is having a quickie

    and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
    Toohottohandle1 Toohottohandle1 36-40, F 3 Responses