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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 3,155 People

    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...
    enchantingjade enchantingjade 36-40 12 Responses Jul 20, 2012

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    A man escapes from prison

    where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 7 Responses Jan 1

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    For the Sexless Marriage Group

    Ok, now, if you're in a sexless marriage and wonder why, this will give you a clue! LOL Enjoy! Cheleanne   A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.     ...
    Cheleanne Cheleanne 66-70, F 9 Responses Nov 13, 2007

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    This one is an absolute killer.

    Wife : Don't you have simple manners?......I'm speaking for hours and you keep yawning every minute. Husband : I'm not yawning... I'm trying to say something !!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Oct 21, 2014

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    Q: What does sex have in common with a savings

    account? A: You lose interest once you make a withdrawal.
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 9 Responses Jun 14

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    A husband and wife are trying to set up a new

    password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
    Hojan Hojan 41-45, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Joke- The Redhead A man is dining in a fancy

    restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs...
    mguinm mguinm 41-45, F 12 Responses Mar 7

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    You heard the joke abt the wall?

    ??....... I just cant get over it!!!
    Avreich Avreich 22-25, M 11 hrs ago

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    Police Officer: "How high are you?

    " Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Dec 26, 2014

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    A man received a message from his

    neighbor: Sorry Sir, I am using your wife day and night when you're not present at home. In fact,much more than you do. I confess this now because I'm feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. The man is down with heart attack. A few minutes later, he...
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 5 Responses May 14

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    Marriage Counsellor

    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
    HardingP119 HardingP119 36-40, M 11 Responses Aug 24, 2013

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    As an airplane is about to crash,

    a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces: 'If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.' She removes all her clothing and asks, 'Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?' A man stands up, removes his shirt and says...
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 4 Responses a week ago

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    An Englishman, a Scotsman,

    an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub...
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    Your always there to catch me

    when I fall Thank you floor.
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 2 Responses Apr 13

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    A man standing talking to a husband

    and wife farts. The husband says "how dare you fart before my wife", the man replied "I'm sorry I didn't realise it was her turn@.
    Hojan Hojan 41-45, M a week ago

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    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Jul 24, 2014

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    fuwhat fuwhat 18-21, M 4 days ago

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    A teacher asks her class,

    "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then, Little Johnny...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 4 Responses Dec 24, 2014

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    What did the blonde ask the doctor

    after her delivered her baby? Are you sure its mine????
    satnlacy satnlacy 22-25, T 1 Response 5 days ago

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    Joke: A man goes to church

    and tells the priest "Father, I almost cheated on my wife." The priest asks him "How do you almost cheat on your wife?" The man says "Well, me and the woman were naked but we just rubbed against each other." The priest looks at him disgusted and says "Rubbing is the same as...
    BreakingTheRules BreakingTheRules 26-30, F 2 Responses 11 hrs ago

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    A secretary got an expensive pen

    as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce. The 'Thank You' email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Aug 8, 2014

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    U heard the joke abt the popcorn?

    ........ Its kinda corny!!
    Avreich Avreich 22-25, M 11 hrs ago

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    Couple is having a quickie

    and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
    Toohottohandle1 Toohottohandle1 36-40, F 3 Responses Mar 26, 2014

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    There I was , sitting at the bar ,

    staring at my drink , when a large biker steps up next to me , grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig . Well what ya gonna do about it ? He says to me menacingly , as I burst into tears . Come on man , he says to me , I didn't think you would cry , I can't stand to see a...
    Spiritual40 Spiritual40 36-40, F 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    A teacher is teaching a class

    and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two...
    Hojan Hojan 41-45, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 10 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    Politicians A busload of politicians were

    driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Nov 3, 2014

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    A magician was facing an unruly crowd

    as his tricks failed to impress them. To cheer them up, the magician said: 'could any one please give me an egg. For I shall show you a marvelous trick' One at the last row shouted: 'If we had an egg with us, it would have reached you long before'
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 6 days ago

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    A man buys a lie detector robot w/c slaps people

    who lie. He decides 2 test it during dinner. DAD: Son, where were u 2day during school hrs? SON: @ School. Robot slaps son! SON: Ok, I lied, I went 2d movies. DAD: W/c one? SON: Toy Story. Robot slaps son again! SON: Ok, it was p0rn. DAD: What?! When I was your age, I didn't...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 5 Responses Dec 27, 2014

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    After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last

    year, English scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago. Not to be outdone by the English, in the weeks that followed, Scottish scientists dug to a depth...
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 7 Responses Aug 25

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    Girl in cinema turns sideways

    and whispers to her boyfriend. 'The man next to me is ************!' 'Ignore him.' 'I can't.' 'Why not?' 'He's using my hand!'
    PAL15 PAL15 26-30, M 1 Response Aug 25

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    What do you call a person

    who will not fart in front of others? A private toot-er! :-D
    701TeaseMe 701TeaseMe 31-35, F 1 Response a week ago

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    An Englishman, a Welshman

    and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter skelter when an old witch steps in front of them. 'This is a magic ride,' she says. 'You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down.' 'I'm game for this,' says the Welshman and slides down the helter skelter...
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    A married Irishman went into the confessional

    and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not...
    marmelade marmelade 51-55, F 6 Responses Feb 16

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    A man orders a drink from a barman.

    The barman says there is a small delay and tells the man to take a seat at the bar. As he waits the customer helps himself to some peanuts. The peanuts talk to him and say "sir you're so thoughtful for eating us. Thank you". Bemused to say the least the man goes to help himself...
    Hojan Hojan 41-45, M 2 Responses a week ago

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    An Englishman, an Irishman

    and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee; and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?' Her husband...
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 4 Responses 3 days ago

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    You heard the joke abt tge pencil?

    ?........ Actually it has no point to it!!
    Avreich Avreich 22-25, M 11 hrs ago

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    Sublevarse Sublevarse 18-21, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    I had an e-mail saying,

    'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards .. ' I thought, 'that's just spam.'
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 3 Responses 6 days ago

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    U heard the joke abt the roller coaster?

    ??....... Its complicated ...Theres alot of twists to it!!
    Avreich Avreich 22-25, M 11 hrs ago

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    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

    For the sake of civility,and to keep it from getting sunburn he put his hat over his privates. As a woman walked past she said to the man snickering " if you were a gentleman. You'd lift your hat" The man raised an eyebrow and calmly replied " if you weren't so ugly it would...
    Ridingtonewyork Ridingtonewyork 16-17, F 16 Responses Jul 27, 2014

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    There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at

    a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner. After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his...
    Hojan Hojan 41-45, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

    While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya...
    PAL15 PAL15 26-30, M 2 Responses a week ago

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    Husband: 'Fancy a quickie?

    ' Wife: 'As opposed to what?'
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 6 Responses a week ago

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    Engineer In Hell An engineer dies

    and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build...
    fishsweeper fishsweeper 56-60, F 13 Responses Sep 11, 2014

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    A man called 999 and said,

    'I think my wife is dead.' The operator asked, 'How do you know?' The man said, 'The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up ..'
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 7 Responses a week ago

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