on a cruise ship. She was using both hands to hold her hat onto her head so it wouldn't blow away.
A gentleman approached the lady and said "Ma'am, I am sorry to bother you but the wind is blowing your dress up".
The lady replied, "Sir, if I take my hands off of my hat it will...
and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They...
where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the...
with his Indian Chief father looking into the star filled sky. He says "Father, what keeps the earth from falling in space? His father looks down at his son and says, " The earth rides on a gigantic turtle". The son thinks for a moment and says, "But Father, what hold up the...
For the sake of civility,and to keep it from getting sunburn he put his hat over his privates.
As a woman walked past she said to the man snickering " if you were a gentleman. You'd lift your hat"
The man raised an eyebrow and calmly replied " if you weren't so ugly it would...
Ok, now, if you're in a sexless marriage and wonder why, this will give you a clue! LOL
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
just before his operation.
"What's the matter?", he was asked.
He said, "I heard the nurse say, "It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be alright.""
"She was trying to comfort you. What's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me, she was...
who lie. He decides 2 test it during dinner.
DAD: Son, where were u 2day during school hrs?
SON: @ School. Robot slaps son!
SON: Ok, I lied, I went 2d movies.
DAD: W/c one?
SON: Toy Story.
Robot slaps son again!
SON: Ok, it was p0rn.
DAD: What?! When I was your age, I didn't...
that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. So he tests it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raise their hands, each of them grinning widely. “Once a week?” A third of the audience members...
If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.
The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing.
If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
and one fell off, how many bricks remain?
What are the three steps to put an elephant in a fridge?
Open the fridge door, put the elephant in, close the fridge door.
What are the four steps to put a giraffe in a fridge?
Open the fridge door, take out the elephant, put...
The Jewish Quarterback!
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback.
He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a ringer who could ensure a...
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.She immediately moved to another seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.He seemed more amused.When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested...
live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever." --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss...
who attended church services and taught Sunday School every week.
One Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was.
While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said...
driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.
The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.
A few days later, the...
and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not...
A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
Husband checks it and gets angry. He wakes his wife up.
Husband: (angry) Who is this person saying "beautiful"?
Surprised, wife checks her mobile phone.
Wife: (very angry) Hey! Use your magnifying glass... "It's not beautiful... It's battery full!!" hahaha!
and a Rabbi were having a discussion on how they split the collection money.
The Priest says "I draw a circle a circle on the ground. Then I throw all the money up in the air and what falls in the circle I keep and rest I give to the Lord".
The Minister says, "I draw a line in...
as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce.
The 'Thank You' email says:
"Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
problems! If Noah had lived in the United States in the last ten years, the story may have gone something like this:
And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you...
the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank:
"Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you."
Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.
This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.
When a lady lay on the...
from Georgia. The girl from Georgia says, "So where y'all from?"
Girl from Tennessee says, "Don't you know you shouldn't end a sentence with a proposition?💁🏼"
Girl from Georgia says, "So, where y'all from, c*nt?"
and without hesitation she told " I love you "
Man placed his hand on her head: " this love and infatuation are nothing, go back to your home and study hard so that you can lead a successful life"
Man then placed a piece of paper in her hand:" I have written some wisdom for...
Sorry Sir, I am using your wife day and night when you're not present at home. In fact,much more than you do. I confess this now because I'm feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincerest apologies.
The man is down with heart attack. A few minutes later, he...
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his grandmother asking him to send her acurrent photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in aNudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he...
One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard".
Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided...
Boy : No..
Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ?
Boy : No..
Girl: How much is your salary.. ?
Boy : No salary.. but,..
Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i
Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3
property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I
that sells husbands has just opened in NewYork City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !
There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as...
Dr. Kevorkian is best known for publicly championing a terminal patient's right to die via physician-assisted suicide. BUT do you know why Dr. Kevorkian gave up his practice?? He was losing his patience (or was that "patient's"...lol!!)
both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a...
"If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then, Little Johnny...
and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.
It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build...
recommendation to cure his constant fatigue.
"You want me to give up sex completely, Doc?" he cried.
"I'm a young guy. I'm in the prime of my life. How do you expect me to give up sex and go cold turkey?"
"Well," replied the doctor, "you could get married and taper off...
in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into...
He asks St Peter, "Am I dead?"
St Peter answers, "yes you are".
Ed begins to break down. He says "no, I can't be dead! I have so much to live for! Please send me back!"
St Peter paused for a minute then said, "I can send you back but only as a chicken"
Ed asked, "Can you send me...
the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she...
when they find a cave
with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of
David on the wall.
The head archaeologist points to the first drawing. "This indicates
that these people were family oriented and held women in high esteem."
he says. "The donkey shows...
Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through...
and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in...
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...