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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,399 People

    do u know wht hot dogs are made of,

    ???? lips and a$$ holes
    petergriffin63 petergriffin63 18-21, M 3 days ago

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    Grandmas Are Great

    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his grandmother asking him to send her acurrent photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in aNudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he...
    code091933 code091933 46-50, M 8 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...
    enchantingjade enchantingjade 36-40 10 Responses Jul 20, 2012

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    petergriffin63 petergriffin63 18-21, M 3 days ago

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    Escaped Convict

    Escaped convict A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her...
    pmurillo pmurillo 26-30, F 6 Responses Sep 30, 2013

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    A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo

    safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Jun 27

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 10 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    Roses are red that much is true,

    ,,,,, but violets are purple not f-king blue.
    petergriffin63 petergriffin63 18-21, M 3 days ago

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    Q: What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy

    bends over? A: A Homer Simpson,,
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    Q: have you ever smell moth balls?

    2nd Q: how you get their little legs apart!
    jenni88 jenni88 18-21, F 1 Response 7 hrs ago

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    Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops

    working? A: Slap her on the *** and tell her to get back to work.
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    jenni88 jenni88 18-21, F 7 Responses 1 day ago

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    Q: How do you eat a squirrel?

    A: You spread its little legs.
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    Funny Ultimate Truths:

    1. Whenever i find the Key to Success, someone changes the lock. 2. The road to success is always under Construction 3. In order to get a loan, You first need to Prove that you don't need it 4. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or Married ;) 5...
    traveller139 traveller139 22-25, M 7 Responses Jan 28, 2013

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    Q: What did Boy George say to Micheal Jackson?

    A: "You Beat It, beat it, and I'll comma comma
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
    Sadie14 Sadie14 18-21, F 12 Responses Jul 3

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    Couple is having a quickie

    and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
    Toohottohandle1 Toohottohandle1 31-35, F 3 Responses Mar 26

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    Marriage Counsellor

    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
    HardingP119 HardingP119 36-40, M 10 Responses Aug 24, 2013

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    Tummy Trouble

    A little boy wakes up during the night and walks into his parents room, and see's his mother bouncing up and down on top of his father.The parents stop and the mother quickly dismounts, pulling the covers around herself."What where you and daddy doing ?" the boy asks his mother...
    CazieM CazieM 26-30, F 2 Responses Aug 28, 2012

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    Q: What do you call an teacher

    who touches up his students? A: a PDF File.
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    Q: What do you call a bunch of white guys

    sitting on a bench? A: The NBA.
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons.

    One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses May 26

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    Fireman Costume

    Man goes to a fancy dress party, wearing only a glass jar on his penis.A woman asks "What are you?"He says "I'm a fireman""But you're only wearing a glass jar?",says the woman"Exactly!","In an emergency, break glass, pull knob, and I'll come as fast as I can"he replies.
    CazieM CazieM 26-30, F 6 Responses Aug 30, 2012

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    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    Q: How do you eat a squirrel?

    A: You spread its little legs.
    petergriffin63 petergriffin63 18-21, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    Little Johnny

    The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny,a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said. 'Very good...
    belover0069 belover0069 22-25, F 45 Responses Oct 1, 2012

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    Q: What's the difference between a penis

    and a bonus? A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 1 day ago

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    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

    For the sake of civility,and to keep it from getting sunburn he put his hat over his privates. As a woman walked past she said to the man snickering " if you were a gentleman. You'd lift your hat" The man raised an eyebrow and calmly replied " if you weren't so ugly it would...
    Daisyellenrose Daisyellenrose 13-15, F 14 Responses Jul 27

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    In Heaven, two ladies talk to each other:

    SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda. WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die? SYLVIA: I froze to death. WANDA: How horrible! SYLVIA: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you? WANDA: I died of a...
    Scaramooch Scaramooch 46-50, M 11 Responses May 15

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    TheDaken TheDaken 26-30, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    A Man's Wish A man was sick

    and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in...
    robbie1280 robbie1280 18-21, M Jun 10

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    TheDaken TheDaken 26-30, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    Little Black Dress

    A blond drops off her black dress at the cleaners.On the way out the door, the lady at the counter says "Come Again"The blond replies, "No it's toothpaste this time you nosy *****"
    CazieM CazieM 26-30, F 2 Responses Jul 19, 2012

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    Q: Have you heard the one about the lesbian

    that took Viagra? A: She couldn’t get her tongue back in her mouth for a month!
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    A helicopter was flying around above Seattle

    when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Mar 29

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    A vagina is like the weather.

    Once its wet, it's time to go inside
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    do u know wht hot dogs are made of,

    ???? lips and a$$ holes
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    My friends and I have this running joke called

    "Turbo Tuesday." Tuesday is the most boring goddam day of the week, because it's not Monday where you're fresh off from the weekend, it's not Wednesday which is Hump Day, it's not Thursday which has something to look forward to, and it's not Friday or the goddam weekend. Tuesday...
    BlueMetalChick BlueMetalChick 18-21, F 5 Responses Mar 25

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    TheDaken TheDaken 26-30, M 2 Responses 2 days ago

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    Getting fit and fab..

    .... (Photo)
    Zorenjb Zorenjb 22-25, F Aug 6

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    Popping the question Jimmie,

    an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jun 17

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    One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause,

    "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    Roses are red. Nuts are round.

    Skirts go up. Panties go down. Belly to belly. Skin to skin. When it's stiff, stick it in.
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause,

    "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
    petergriffin63 petergriffin63 18-21, M 1 Response 3 days ago

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    "Sunday Morning Sex" Upon hearing

    that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on...
    xalian xalian 41-45, M 6 Responses May 27

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    A vagina is like the weather.

    Once its wet, it's time to go inside
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a

    deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl and they're both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman...
    calliecassidy calliecassidy 22-25, F 5 Responses Jul 16

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    A secretary got an expensive pen

    as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce. The 'Thank You' email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 5 Responses Aug 8

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    Roses are red that much is true,

    ,,,,, but violets are purple not f-king blue.
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    A wealthy man was having an affair with an

    Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he...
    mguinm mguinm 41-45, F 11 Responses Jul 19

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    Man enters a drugstore

    and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. The Pharmacist asks, "What size?" to which the man replies, "I'm not exactly sure." The pharmacist grabs something from under the counter and hands it to the man, "Well, take this board with holes, go to the bathroom and the hole...
    Ed360 Ed360 41-45, F 4 Responses Jun 3

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    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    happinesslieswithin happinesslieswithin 18-21, F 5 Responses Jul 24

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    Q: How do you know if your boyfriend has a high

    ***** count? A: You have to chew before you swallow!
    petergriffin65 petergriffin65 18-21, M 2 days ago