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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,661 People

    Golfers Revenge A golfer hits his ball in to a

    yard next to the golf course. As he goes to get it a man in the yard says "Don't you see the sign? It says private property..stay out!" The golfer says "I am sorry did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it ? " The man says "It in my yard and so it is my ball now...
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 Dec 5

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    Anchors Away!!!! There was a ragged old man

    who shuffled into a waterfront bar one afternoon. Stinking of whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said. The barkeep wasn't too sure about this...
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 1 Response Dec 5

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    This one is an absolute killer.

    Wife : Don't you have simple manners?......I'm speaking for hours and you keep yawning every minute. Husband : I'm not yawning... I'm trying to say something !!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 7 Responses Oct 21

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    Sign on the bathroom door of a pay toilet.

    "Here I sit, broken hearted. Paid 5 cents and only farted:)))
    ALincoln5 ALincoln5 66-70, M 2 days ago

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    Man outside phone booth: "excuse me,

    you are holding the phone for 30 minutes & you haven't spoken a word". Man inside: "i am talking to my wife"
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    Why don't cannibals eat clowns.

    ................................because they taste funny.
    Camille7 Camille7 46-50, F 3 Responses Dec 15

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    Three babies were discussing carreers in their

    mother's womb. First baby: "I'm going to be a plumber". The other two asks why "So I can fix the pipes in here" he replies. Second baby: "I wanna be an electrician. The other two asks why "So I can fix the poor lighting in here" he replies. Third baby: "I wanna be a boxer". The...
    AcousticAnne AcousticAnne 26-30, F 9 Responses 1 day ago

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    A teacher asks her class,

    "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then, Little Johnny...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 31-35, F 3 Responses 4 days ago

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    During a recent robbery in Hong Kong,

    the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. When a lady lay on the...
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 9 Responses Aug 30

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    Engineer In Hell An engineer dies

    and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build...
    fishsweeper fishsweeper 51-55, F 14 Responses Sep 11

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    An indian brave and his son were sitting around

    the camp fire and his son, looking up at the sky, says to his Dad, "Dad,what keep the earth from falling ". His Dad says, Son, A great turtle hold the world up". His son thinks a moment and says,"But what keeps that turtle up". And his father says,"He stands on the back of an...
    ALincoln5 ALincoln5 66-70, M Nov 21

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 10 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    The rich milkman.... A milkman dying in

    hospital is surrounded by his two sons, daughter, his wife and the nurse. He says to his eldest son, "To you Peter, I leave the Beverly houses." To his daughter, "My pretty Rose, to you I leave the apartments in the Los Angeles Plaza." "And Charlie, you being my youngest son...
    DrMATRIX007 DrMATRIX007 26-30, M 4 Responses Dec 3

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    Best Mis understanding A Husband

    and Wife, Both were very happy over the twelve pound baby boy that was born to them. Mr. Brown who could not conceal his delight, called up the editor of a famous newspaper and reported that he became the proud owner of a twelve pound nugget of gold. The editor upon hearing...
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 1 Response Dec 5

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    Getting fit and fab..

    .... (Photo)
    redtigerhood911 redtigerhood911 22-25, F Aug 6

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    A secretary got an expensive pen

    as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce. The 'Thank You' email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Aug 8

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    HR Manager in Heaven!

    !! One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Manager was hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was greeted by God himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said God. " "Well, What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day...
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 Dec 9

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    An 80-yr-old man asked his Wife: Do you feel sad

    when you see me running after young girls? Wife: No, not at all, even DOGS chase cars, but can't drive them!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 2 Responses Sep 6

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    A couple is in bed sleeping

    when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs...
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 4 Responses Dec 10

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    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Jul 24

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    Politicians A busload of politicians were

    driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Nov 3

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    If you're ever cold just stand in a corner.

    They're usually around 90 Degrees.
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 5 Responses Dec 16

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    A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a

    deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl and they're both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman...
    Callllie Callllie 70+, F 6 Responses Jul 16

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    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...
    enchantingjade enchantingjade 36-40 11 Responses Jul 20, 2012

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    A elderly man goes into confessional in a South

    Beach church and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 70 years old. I've been married to the same woman for 45 years. We have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren. Last night, I met two 18 year old college girls who were in town for Spring Break. They took me back to...
    nyc10024a nyc10024a 36-40 1 Response Dec 2

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    Chuck Norris sleeps with the lights on,

    because the darks afraid of him..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 6 Responses 3 days ago

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    Grandmas Are Great

    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his grandmother asking him to send her acurrent photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in aNudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he...
    code091933 code091933 46-50, M 9 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    A man buys a lie detector robot w/c slaps people

    who lie. He decides 2 test it during dinner. DAD: Son, where where u 2day during school hrs? SON: @ School. Robot slaps son! SON: Ok, I lied, I went 2d movies. DAD: W/c one? SON: Toy Story. Robot slaps son again! SON: Ok, it was ****. DAD: What?! When I was your age, I didn't...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 31-35, F 3 Responses 1 day ago

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    Two boys are good friends in thier class (they

    are the age of 9) during the class break they go to CR for ******* so one boy found other guys organ bigger than him the boy asked how come yours is bigger than mine the boy answered I am eating peanuts everyday the boy went back home told mom that I need 50 cents??? mother...
    Lakee112812 Lakee112812 36-40, F Nov 23

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    A lady approaches her priest

    and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed...
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 3 Responses Dec 5

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    A Man's Wish A man was sick

    and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in...
    robbie1280 robbie1280 18-21, T 2 Responses Jun 10

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    Funny Ultimate Truths:

    1. Whenever i find the Key to Success, someone changes the lock. 2. The road to success is always under Construction 3. In order to get a loan, You first need to Prove that you don't need it 4. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or Married ;) 5...
    traveller139 traveller139 22-25, M 7 Responses Jan 28, 2013

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    Marriage Counsellor

    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
    HardingP119 HardingP119 36-40, M 11 Responses Aug 24, 2013

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    A helicopter was flying around above Seattle

    when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Mar 29

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    A couple bought themselves a squirrel pet.

    One night they went out for dinner and locked the squirrel in the closet. Later that night a thief broke into their house. The thief was in the process of stealing the couple's valuables when he heard the couple's car arriving home. The thief then immediately hid in the closet...
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 1 Response Dec 2

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    REST YOUR MIND I know you have been laying

    awake at night wondering why baby diapers have Brand names such as 'luvs, huggies, and pampers, while undergarments for old people are called Depends. Well here is the low down on the whole thing. When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and...
    Gettingout72 Gettingout72 41-45, F 6 Responses Sep 6

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    Man enters a drugstore

    and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. The Pharmacist asks, "What size?" to which the man replies, "I'm not exactly sure." The pharmacist grabs something from under the counter and hands it to the man, "Well, take this board with holes, go to the bathroom and the hole...
    Ed360 Ed360 41-45, F 6 Responses Jun 3

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    Language Problem ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One woman did

    not know how to speak English in England as she was married to an Englishman. So when she wanted to buy chicken legs she lifted her whole dress and showed her thighs then she gets the chicken legs. The next time she wants chicken breast so she undoes her blouse and shows her...
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 2 Responses Dec 2

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    Two men are walking their dogs down the street.

    One is a doberman and the other is a chihwowia.The one guy says to the other, " What do you say we stop at the Cafe down at the end of the block and have a coffee. The other guy says, "That'd be great except they don't allow dogs". He says "Watch this". He puts on a pair of...
    ALincoln5 ALincoln5 66-70, M Dec 13

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    Only a farm kid would see it this way!

    When you are from the farm, your perception is a little bit different. A farmer drove to a neighbors farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. Is your dad or mom home? Asked the farmer. No, they went to town. How about your brother, Howard? Is he here...
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 3 Responses Dec 2

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    A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

    After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his balls. Something she just loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned to her and ask her: "why do you love doing that?" because... She replied.." I really miss mine." Hahahaha !!!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 3 Responses Oct 15

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    Untrustworthy117 Untrustworthy117 16-17, M 2 Responses 6 days ago

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    Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic.

    " Father: "Why?" Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'" Father: "But that's right!" Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'" Father: "What's the ******* difference?" Boy: "That's exactly what I said!" LOL
    zoiera zoiera 26-30, F 5 Responses Oct 6

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    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

    For the sake of civility,and to keep it from getting sunburn he put his hat over his privates. As a woman walked past she said to the man snickering " if you were a gentleman. You'd lift your hat" The man raised an eyebrow and calmly replied " if you weren't so ugly it would...
    Daisy26599 Daisy26599 13-15, F 12 Responses Jul 27

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    Police Officer: "How high are you?

    " Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    For the Sexless Marriage Group

    Ok, now, if you're in a sexless marriage and wonder why, this will give you a clue! LOL Enjoy! Cheleanne   A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.     ...
    Cheleanne Cheleanne 66-70, F 10 Responses Nov 13, 2007

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    Little Sonia was shouting her prayers.

    "Please God send me a new doll for my birthday." Her mother, overhearing this, said, "Don't shout dear, God isn't deaf." "No, but Grandad is, and he's in the next room," Sonia replied.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Dec 4

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    Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of a

    group of grains that could have become beer but didn't.
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 2 Responses Dec 4

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    Couple is having a quickie

    and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
    Toohottohandle1 Toohottohandle1 31-35, F 3 Responses Mar 26

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    Two dyslexics walk into a bra.

    I'm sorry, this is rude but I've been laughing my *** of for no reason at this joke 😂😂
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 1 Response Dec 16

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    Two boys are good friends in their class (they

    are the age of 9) during the class break they go to Wash room for ******* so one boy found other guys organ bigger than him the boy asked how come yours is bigger than mine the boy answered I am eating peanuts everyday the boy went back home told mom that I need 50 cents...
    Lakee112812 Lakee112812 36-40, F 1 Response Nov 23

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    What's the definition of "Apathy"?

    I don't know and I don't care:)