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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,933 People

    Engineer In Hell An engineer dies

    and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build...
    fishsweeper fishsweeper 51-55, F 14 Responses Sep 11, 2014

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    Electric Fence / Lawn Mower

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 41-45, F 12 Responses May 28, 2012

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    A man calls his adult son on the phone

    and tells him that despite the wonderful 50th anniversary party his son and daughter had thrown for them last year, the man and his wife were getting a divorce. The son is shocked. He says, "Hang on, Dad. Don't do anything rash. I'll be over in a few days and we can this...
    nyc10024a nyc10024a 36-40 1 Response 4 days ago

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    She kissed the tip, then said "April Fools!

    " Best. Joke. Ever. Men! XD 
    abcdefghisabelmnopqrst abcdefghisabelmnopqrst 26-30, F 3 Responses Apr 1

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    Redneck murders are hard to solve,

    all the DNA is the same and there are no dental records....:P
    LadyLouisiana LadyLouisiana 56-60, F 4 Responses Mar 27

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    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...
    enchantingjade enchantingjade 36-40 12 Responses Jul 20, 2012

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    What would George Washington do

    if he were alive today? Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.
    OneWithTheSkies OneWithTheSkies 18-21, F 3 Responses Apr 12

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    A priest, a minister,

    and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 4 Responses Mar 27

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    A Man's Wish A man was sick

    and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in...
    robbie1280 robbie1280 18-21, T 3 Responses Jun 10, 2014

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    A thief broke into my house last night.

    He started searching for money.....................so I woke up and search together with him...
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 2 Responses Mar 22

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    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
    Sadie14 Sadie14 18-21, F 19 Responses Jul 3, 2014

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    After twenty years of shaving himself every

    morning, a man in a small southern town decided he had been doing that long enough. He told his wife that from then on he’d let the local barber shave him each day. The man went to the barbershop which was owned by the pastor of the local Baptist church. The barber’s wife...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 29

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    Girl: taxi!!! Driver: yes mam.

    .. Girl: let's go! Driver: are you alone mam? Girl: why ? You will not come? Omg!! Corny hahaha
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 5 Responses Apr 3

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    A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

    After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his balls. Something she just loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned to her and ask her: "why do you love doing that?" because... She replied.." I really miss mine." Hahahaha !!!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 3 Responses Oct 15, 2014

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    A secretary got an expensive pen

    as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce. The 'Thank You' email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Aug 8, 2014

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    A defence lawyer is questioning a Coroner in a

    murder trial. "When you brought the body in, were you sure that person was really dead".The Coroner says " Well, his brains were in a glass jar on the table but then again he may have been a lawyer:)))
    johnny253 johnny253 66-70, M 3 Responses Apr 19

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    A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills.

    One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 3 Responses Mar 24

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    Grandmas Are Great

    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his grandmother asking him to send her acurrent photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in aNudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he...
    code091933 code091933 46-50, M 9 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    A man got an accident

    that makes his body divide into two. His left body was lost so only the right part of his nody was brought to the hospital. Know what the doctor said? "Wow. You are alright!"
    Fourtris143 Fourtris143 18-21, F 2 Responses Mar 25

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 10 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    Can you guess these words?

    1. _ _ _ k 2. _ _ n d o m 3. D _ c k Did you guess 1. Book 2. Random 3. Duck? I bet you didn't.😂😂
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 7 Responses Apr 6

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    Joke- The Redhead A man is dining in a fancy

    restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs...
    mguinm mguinm 41-45, F 10 Responses Mar 7

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    Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were

    having coffee in St. Peter's Square.The first Catholic man tells his friends,"My son is a priest. When he walks intoa room, everyone calls him 'Father'."The second Catholic man chirps,"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."The third Catholic...
    postNIRVANA postNIRVANA 18-21, M 4 Responses Apr 20

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    One day at a local café,

    a woman suddenly called out, "My daughter’s choking! She swallowed a nickel! Please, anyone, help!" Immediately a man at a nearby table rushed up to her and said he was experienced in these situations. He calmly stepped over to the girl, then with no look of concern, wrapped...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 1 Response Mar 27

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    'That wife of mine is a liar.

    ' said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. 'How do you know?' the friend asked. 'She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley.' 'So?' the friend replied...
    jerzee78 jerzee78 36-40, M 3 Responses Apr 15

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    Loving corny pick up lines such

    as "does your mom work at little Caesars (no) well that's to bad because you're hot and ready""
    JusticeNicole JusticeNicole 16-17, F 2 Responses Mar 26

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    I've come to realize the voices in my head are

    having a better time than me I'm gonna go have a few drunks with them
    AlphaStigma77 AlphaStigma77 13-15, M 1 day ago

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    Surprisingly my social studies teacher told me

    this lol ok so "theres a blond in a truck just driving down the highway after a bit she ends up in the country shes on a strait road and there are two recently harvested fields on the sides shes looking around and takein in seenary she looks over in the feild and there is...
    Orion1032 Orion1032 13-15, M 1 Response a week ago

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    Police Officer: "How high are you?

    " Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Dec 26, 2014

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    If you're ever cold just stand in a corner.

    They're usually around 90 Degrees.
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 5 Responses Dec 16, 2014

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    A married Irishman went into the confessional

    and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not...
    marmelade marmelade 51-55, F 5 Responses Feb 16

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    Here is another one for you.

    A six year old boy is in the bath. His mother is supervising him. He is playing and starts to feel his balls. He asks his mum, "mum is my brain in there". His mum replies, "No not yet, but it will be there when you are 16".
    Henry23569 Henry23569 70+, M Mar 19

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    A very zealous soul-winning young preacher

    recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?" Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Apr 2

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    A lady approaches her priest

    and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed...
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 3 Responses Dec 5, 2014

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    A teacher is teaching a class

    and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two...
    kittykat419 kittykat419 18-21, F 2 Responses Mar 24

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    Couple is having a quickie

    and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
    Toohottohandle1 Toohottohandle1 31-35, F 3 Responses Mar 26, 2014

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    Your always there to catch me

    when I fall Thank you floor.
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 2 Responses Apr 13

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    What time is it when the elephant sits on the

    fence?.....................Time to buy a new fence!
    cbcs cbcs 31-35, M 2 Responses Mar 24

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    panty colors and what they mean: white:

    calm red: wild blue: romantic pink: sweet black: sexy brown: need to wash them woman
    peppit peppit 36-40, M Apr 15

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    Mildred, the church gossiper

    and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused a new...
    Jpfunjunky Jpfunjunky 31-35, M 3 Responses Feb 25

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    A man escapes from prison

    where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 8 Responses Jan 1

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    During a recent robbery in Hong Kong,

    the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. When a lady lay on the...
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 9 Responses Aug 30, 2014

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    One day the zookeeper noticed

    that the monkey was reading two books--the Bible and Darwin's "The Origin of Species." In surprise, he asked the monkey, "Why are you reading both those books?" "Well," said the monkey, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Mar 27

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    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Jul 24, 2014

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    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

    For the sake of civility,and to keep it from getting sunburn he put his hat over his privates. As a woman walked past she said to the man snickering " if you were a gentleman. You'd lift your hat" The man raised an eyebrow and calmly replied " if you weren't so ugly it would...
    Ridingtonewyork Ridingtonewyork 13-15, F 16 Responses Jul 27, 2014

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    A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a

    deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl and they're both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman...
    Callllie Callllie 70+, F 6 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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