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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,924 People

    A man got an accident

    that makes his body divide into two. His left body was lost so only the right part of his nody was brought to the hospital. Know what the doctor said? "Wow. You are alright!"
    Fourtris143 Fourtris143 18-21, F 2 Responses Mar 25

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    What time is it when the elephant sits on the

    fence?.....................Time to buy a new fence!
    cbcs cbcs 31-35, M 2 Responses Mar 24

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    A secretary got an expensive pen

    as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce. The 'Thank You' email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Aug 8, 2014

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    Chuck Norris sleeps with the lights on,

    because the darks afraid of him..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 6 Responses Dec 25, 2014

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    'That wife of mine is a liar.

    ' said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar. 'How do you know?' the friend asked. 'She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley.' 'So?' the friend replied...
    jerzee78 jerzee78 36-40, M 3 Responses Apr 15

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    While Shirley was dining out with her children,

    a man came over to their table and started talking. He asked where Shirley's kids went to school. She told him they home-schooled. With a raised eyebrow, he asked if her husband is the sole breadwinner for their family. "No, I also work ... from inside our home." Then, noticing...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 31

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    Police Officer: "How high are you?

    " Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Dec 26, 2014

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    A married Irishman went into the confessional

    and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not...
    marmelade marmelade 51-55, F 5 Responses Feb 16

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    A priest, a minister,

    and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 4 Responses Mar 27

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    Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were

    having coffee in St. Peter's Square.The first Catholic man tells his friends,"My son is a priest. When he walks intoa room, everyone calls him 'Father'."The second Catholic man chirps,"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."The third Catholic...
    postNIRVANA postNIRVANA 18-21, M 4 Responses 5 days ago

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    A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills.

    One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 3 Responses Mar 24

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    Can you guess these words?

    1. _ _ _ k 2. _ _ n d o m 3. D _ c k Did you guess 1. Book 2. Random 3. Duck? I bet you didn't.😂😂
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 7 Responses Apr 6

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    An unbelieving Jew prays in the synagogue

    and cries. "What are you crying since you do not believe in God?" asks someone. "There are two possibilities," replied the weeping atheist, "either I'm wrong and there is indeed a God - then people have every reason to cry. Or maybe I'm right and he does not exist. - then...
    Soniador1963 Soniador1963 51-55, M Mar 19

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    If you're ever cold just stand in a corner.

    They're usually around 90 Degrees.
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 5 Responses Dec 16, 2014

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    God said, "Adam, I want you to do something

    for me."  Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"  God said, "Go down into that valley."  Adam said, "What's a valley?"  God explained it to him.  Then God said, "Cross the river."  Adam said, "What's a river?"  God explained that to him, and then...
    cbcs cbcs 31-35, M 1 Response 1 day ago

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    Getting fit and fab..

    .... (Photo)
    redtigerhood911 redtigerhood911 22-25, F 1 Response Aug 6, 2014

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    panty colors and what they mean: white:

    calm red: wild blue: romantic pink: sweet black: sexy brown: need to wash them woman
    peppit peppit 36-40, M Apr 15

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    Mildred, the church gossiper

    and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused a new...
    Jpfunjunky Jpfunjunky 31-35, M 3 Responses Feb 25

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    Detention notice. Reason: throw lamp at

    another student and told him to lighten the fck up.
    jjoe01 jjoe01 41-45, M 3 Responses Apr 13

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 10 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    A very zealous soul-winning young preacher

    recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord my good man?" Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work the farmer replied, "Naw, these are...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Apr 2

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    She kissed the tip, then said "April Fools!

    " Best. Joke. Ever. Men! XD 
    abcdefghisabelmnopqrst abcdefghisabelmnopqrst 26-30, F 3 Responses Apr 1

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    Girl: taxi!!! Driver: yes mam.

    .. Girl: let's go! Driver: are you alone mam? Girl: why ? You will not come? Omg!! Corny hahaha
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 5 Responses Apr 3

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    Joke- The Redhead A man is dining in a fancy

    restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs...
    mguinm mguinm 41-45, F 10 Responses Mar 7

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    Your always there to catch me

    when I fall Thank you floor.
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 2 Responses Apr 13

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    Auto air conditioning The Goldberg Brothers -

    The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner > Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 1 Response Apr 1

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    During a recent robbery in Hong Kong,

    the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. When a lady lay on the...
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 9 Responses Aug 30, 2014

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    A thief broke into my house last night.

    He started searching for money.....................so I woke up and search together with him...
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 2 Responses Mar 22

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    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Jul 24, 2014

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    A lady approaches her priest

    and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed...
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 3 Responses Dec 5, 2014

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    Redneck murders are hard to solve,

    all the DNA is the same and there are no dental records....:P
    LadyLouisiana LadyLouisiana 56-60, F 4 Responses Mar 27

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    One day at a local café,

    a woman suddenly called out, "My daughter’s choking! She swallowed a nickel! Please, anyone, help!" Immediately a man at a nearby table rushed up to her and said he was experienced in these situations. He calmly stepped over to the girl, then with no look of concern, wrapped...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 1 Response Mar 27

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    Marriage Counsellor

    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
    HardingP119 HardingP119 36-40, M 10 Responses Aug 24, 2013

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    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
    Sadie14 Sadie14 18-21, F 19 Responses Jul 3, 2014

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    Couple is having a quickie

    and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
    Toohottohandle1 Toohottohandle1 31-35, F 3 Responses Mar 26, 2014

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    Here is another one for you.

    A six year old boy is in the bath. His mother is supervising him. He is playing and starts to feel his balls. He asks his mum, "mum is my brain in there". His mum replies, "No not yet, but it will be there when you are 16".
    Henry23569 Henry23569 70+, M Mar 19

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    Grandmas Are Great

    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his grandmother asking him to send her acurrent photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in aNudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he...
    code091933 code091933 46-50, M 9 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Electric Fence / Lawn Mower

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 41-45, F 12 Responses May 28, 2012

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    After twenty years of shaving himself every

    morning, a man in a small southern town decided he had been doing that long enough. He told his wife that from then on he’d let the local barber shave him each day. The man went to the barbershop which was owned by the pastor of the local Baptist church. The barber’s wife...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 29

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    What would George Washington do

    if he were alive today? Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.
    OneWithTheSkies OneWithTheSkies 18-21, F 3 Responses Apr 12

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    Leader of the HMO Three people die,

    a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor 'what did you do on Earth?' The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, 'you may go in...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Apr 12

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    Loving corny pick up lines such

    as "does your mom work at little Caesars (no) well that's to bad because you're hot and ready""
    JusticeNicole JusticeNicole 16-17, F 2 Responses Mar 26

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    A man escapes from prison

    where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 8 Responses Jan 1

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    Politicians A busload of politicians were

    driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Nov 3, 2014

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    A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a

    deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl and they're both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman...
    Callllie Callllie 70+, F 6 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    A teacher is teaching a class

    and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two...
    kittykat419 kittykat419 18-21, F 3 Responses Mar 24