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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,637 People

    Why don't cannibals eat clowns.

    ................................because they taste funny.
    Camille7 Camille7 46-50, F 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a

    deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl and they're both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman...
    Callllie Callllie 70+, F 6 Responses Jul 16

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    Tummy Trouble

    A little boy wakes up during the night and walks into his parents room, and see's his mother bouncing up and down on top of his father.The parents stop and the mother quickly dismounts, pulling the covers around herself."What where you and daddy doing ?" the boy asks his mother...
    CazieM CazieM 26-30, F 2 Responses Aug 28, 2012

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    The rich milkman.... A milkman dying in

    hospital is surrounded by his two sons, daughter, his wife and the nurse. He says to his eldest son, "To you Peter, I leave the Beverly houses." To his daughter, "My pretty Rose, to you I leave the apartments in the Los Angeles Plaza." "And Charlie, you being my youngest son...
    DrMATRIX007 DrMATRIX007 26-30, M 4 Responses Dec 3

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    A guy walks in to a bar,

    and curls it. Weight lifter joke. 😂😂😂
    Carsonisthedawg1025 Carsonisthedawg1025 18-21, M Nov 9

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    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...
    enchantingjade enchantingjade 36-40 11 Responses Jul 20, 2012

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    A elderly man goes into confessional in a South

    Beach church and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 70 years old. I've been married to the same woman for 45 years. We have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren. Last night, I met two 18 year old college girls who were in town for Spring Break. They took me back to...
    nyc10024a nyc10024a 36-40 1 Response Dec 2

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    The Maid

    Our neighbor’s Brazilian maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?' Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.' The first is...
    nevernohow nevernohow 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 20, 2013

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    Couple is having a quickie

    and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
    Toohottohandle1 Toohottohandle1 31-35, F 3 Responses Mar 26

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    A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

    After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his balls. Something she just loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned to her and ask her: "why do you love doing that?" because... She replied.." I really miss mine." Hahahaha !!!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 3 Responses Oct 15

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    If you're ever cold just stand in a corner.

    They're usually around 90 Degrees.
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    Wife: "How would you describe me?

    " Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
    satish0307 satish0307 26-30, M 1 Response Nov 24

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    Two dyslexics walk into a bra.

    I'm sorry, this is rude but I've been laughing my *** of for no reason at this joke 😂😂
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    During a recent robbery in Hong Kong,

    the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. When a lady lay on the...
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 9 Responses Aug 30

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    HR Manager in Heaven!

    !! One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Manager was hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was greeted by God himself. "Welcome to Heaven," said God. " "Well, What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day...
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 Dec 9

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    Two men are walking their dogs down the street.

    One is a doberman and the other is a chihwowia.The one guy says to the other, " What do you say we stop at the Cafe down at the end of the block and have a coffee. The other guy says, "That'd be great except they don't allow dogs". He says "Watch this". He puts on a pair of...
    ALincoln5 ALincoln5 66-70, M 5 days ago

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    while creating husbands,

    God promised women that good and ideal husbands will be found in all the corners of the world....and then HE created the world round... :-)))
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 2 Responses Nov 18

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    Anchors Away!!!! There was a ragged old man

    who shuffled into a waterfront bar one afternoon. Stinking of whisky and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player wanted" sign from the window and handed it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said. The barkeep wasn't too sure about this...
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 1 Response Dec 5

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    Golfers Revenge A golfer hits his ball in to a

    yard next to the golf course. As he goes to get it a man in the yard says "Don't you see the sign? It says private property..stay out!" The golfer says "I am sorry did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it ? " The man says "It in my yard and so it is my ball now...
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 Dec 5

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    Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of a

    group of grains that could have become beer but didn't.
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 2 Responses Dec 4

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    A little kid was out trick-or-treating on

    Halloween dressed as a pirate. He rang a house's doorbell and the door was opened by a lady. "Oh, how cute! A little pirate! And where are your buccaneers?" she asked. The boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses Nov 14

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    Funny Ultimate Truths:

    1. Whenever i find the Key to Success, someone changes the lock. 2. The road to success is always under Construction 3. In order to get a loan, You first need to Prove that you don't need it 4. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or Married ;) 5...
    traveller139 traveller139 22-25, M 7 Responses Jan 28, 2013

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    For the Sexless Marriage Group

    Ok, now, if you're in a sexless marriage and wonder why, this will give you a clue! LOL Enjoy! Cheleanne   A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.     ...
    Cheleanne Cheleanne 66-70, F 9 Responses Nov 13, 2007

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    An 80-yr-old man asked his Wife: Do you feel sad

    when you see me running after young girls? Wife: No, not at all, even DOGS chase cars, but can't drive them!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 2 Responses Sep 6

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    Politicians A busload of politicians were

    driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Nov 3

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    The Husband Store! (Joke) A store

    that sells husbands has just opened in NewYork City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE ! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as...
    IAMPINAY IAMPINAY 22-25, F 2 Responses Nov 9

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    Two boys are good friends in thier class (they

    are the age of 9) during the class break they go to CR for ******* so one boy found other guys organ bigger than him the boy asked how come yours is bigger than mine the boy answered I am eating peanuts everyday the boy went back home told mom that I need 50 cents??? mother...
    Lakee112812 Lakee112812 36-40, F 1 Response Nov 23

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    Best Mis understanding A Husband

    and Wife, Both were very happy over the twelve pound baby boy that was born to them. Mr. Brown who could not conceal his delight, called up the editor of a famous newspaper and reported that he became the proud owner of a twelve pound nugget of gold. The editor upon hearing...
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 1 Response Dec 5

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    Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?

    " Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you? "Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does thefat cow give you? Student: "Homework!"
    simplegirl101 simplegirl101 18-21, F 1 Response Nov 7

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    A lady approaches her priest

    and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed...
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 3 Responses Dec 5

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    A sadist, a masochist,

    a murderer, a necrophiliac, a zoophiliac and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. "Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophiliac. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it?" says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then...
    smokeyboat2 smokeyboat2 70+, M 4 Responses Apr 12

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    Marriage Counsellor

    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
    HardingP119 HardingP119 36-40, M 11 Responses Aug 24, 2013

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    Grandmas Are Great

    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his grandmother asking him to send her acurrent photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in aNudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he...
    code091933 code091933 46-50, M 9 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    I know a guy that crushes Pepsi cans

    for a living. It's soda pressing.
    Saylowman Saylowman 46-50, M 1 Response Nov 11

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    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
    Sadie14 Sadie14 18-21, F 15 Responses Jul 3

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    A couple is in bed sleeping

    when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs...
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 4 Responses Dec 10

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    Two boys are good friends in their class (they

    are the age of 9) during the class break they go to Wash room for ******* so one boy found other guys organ bigger than him the boy asked how come yours is bigger than mine the boy answered I am eating peanuts everyday the boy went back home told mom that I need 50 cents...
    Lakee112812 Lakee112812 36-40, F 1 Response Nov 23

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    Escaped Convict

    Escaped convict A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her...
    pmurillo pmurillo 26-30, F 5 Responses Sep 30, 2013

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    There was a couple sleeping.

    The wife had a bad dream, she woke up scared and cried. Her husband comforted her and asked why she cried, she replied: “I had a dream that a very rich and handsome man kidnapped me from you.” Husband: “It is ok honey, it was just a dream.” Wife responded...
    Camouflage Camouflage 18-21, M Nov 16

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    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Jul 24

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    Language Problem ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ One woman did

    not know how to speak English in England as she was married to an Englishman. So when she wanted to buy chicken legs she lifted her whole dress and showed her thighs then she gets the chicken legs. The next time she wants chicken breast so she undoes her blouse and shows her...
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 2 Responses Dec 2

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    Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic.

    " Father: "Why?" Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'" Father: "But that's right!" Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'" Father: "What's the ******* difference?" Boy: "That's exactly what I said!" LOL
    zoiera zoiera 26-30, F 5 Responses Oct 6

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    A couple bought themselves a squirrel pet.

    One night they went out for dinner and locked the squirrel in the closet. Later that night a thief broke into their house. The thief was in the process of stealing the couple's valuables when he heard the couple's car arriving home. The thief then immediately hid in the closet...
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 1 Response Dec 2

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    Engineer In Hell An engineer dies

    and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build...
    fishsweeper fishsweeper 51-55, F 13 Responses Sep 11

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    A secretary got an expensive pen

    as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce. The 'Thank You' email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Aug 8

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    This one is an absolute killer.

    Wife : Don't you have simple manners?......I'm speaking for hours and you keep yawning every minute. Husband : I'm not yawning... I'm trying to say something !!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 7 Responses Oct 21

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    Electric Fence / Lawn Mower

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
    Babydoll42 Babydoll42 41-45, F 12 Responses May 28, 2012

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    Only a farm kid would see it this way!

    When you are from the farm, your perception is a little bit different. A farmer drove to a neighbors farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. Is your dad or mom home? Asked the farmer. No, they went to town. How about your brother, Howard? Is he here...
    bigboy4chat42 bigboy4chat42 41-45 3 Responses Dec 2

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 10 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    Man enters a drugstore

    and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. The Pharmacist asks, "What size?" to which the man replies, "I'm not exactly sure." The pharmacist grabs something from under the counter and hands it to the man, "Well, take this board with holes, go to the bathroom and the hole...
    Ed360 Ed360 41-45, F 6 Responses Jun 3

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    A Man's Wish A man was sick

    and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in...
    robbie1280 robbie1280 18-21, M 2 Responses Jun 10

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