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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,553 People

    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 10 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    A husband lying in the hospital talks to his

    wife.Ya know Martha You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing...
    ALincoln5 ALincoln5 66-70, M Oct 13

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    How do you know that Apple is run by men?

    They call it the iPhone 6+ but it's only 5.5 inches.
    nyc10024a nyc10024a 36-40 2 Responses 6 hrs ago

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    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...
    enchantingjade enchantingjade 36-40 11 Responses Jul 20, 2012

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    First guy ": my grandfather is only 4 feet

    tall ." Second guy ": pffffft , that's nothing , mine is only 3 feet tall . " Third guy is crying . Two other guys say to the third guy ": why are you crying ?" Third guy ": because my grandfather is in hospital ." Two guys ": on no , what happened ?" Third guy...
    MaKogaJeBriga MaKogaJeBriga 36-40, F 1 Response 2 days ago

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    Husband's demand for sex.

    .... A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husband's constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage. While getting ready for work, she writes on...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 3 Responses Oct 11

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    During a recent robbery in Hong Kong,

    the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. When a lady lay on the...
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 10 Responses Aug 30

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    Man enters a drugstore

    and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. The Pharmacist asks, "What size?" to which the man replies, "I'm not exactly sure." The pharmacist grabs something from under the counter and hands it to the man, "Well, take this board with holes, go to the bathroom and the hole...
    Ed360 Ed360 41-45, F 5 Responses Jun 3

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    Marriage Counsellor

    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
    HardingP119 HardingP119 36-40, M 11 Responses Aug 24, 2013

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    A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

    After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his balls. Something she just loved to do. As he was enjoying it, he turned to her and ask her: "why do you love doing that?" because... She replied.." I really miss mine." Hahahaha !!!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 3 Responses a week ago

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    Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our

    town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out." The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes. "You...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Oct 2

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    next time when a stranger talks to me

    when im alone i will look at them and shock and just whisper to them quietly "you can see me?"
    ElizabethSwannTurner ElizabethSwannTurner 18-21, F 2 Responses Sep 28

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    BS1999 BS1999 13-15, M 3 Responses Sep 29

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    Popping the question Jimmie,

    an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Jun 17

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    A drunk guy is wondering around outside a pub,

    when a man approaches him..the drunk guy spots him and says "I'm Jesus Christ!". The man replies "oh really, prove it!" So the drunk guy takes him into the bar and they walk over to the bartender, the bartender looks at the drunk guy and says "Jesus Christ not you again..", the...
    XxWolfGirlMidnightxX XxWolfGirlMidnightxX 13-15, F 3 Responses Oct 10

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    A sadist, a masochist,

    a murderer, a necrophiliac, a zoophiliac and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. "Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophiliac. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it?" says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then...
    smokeyboat2 smokeyboat2 70+, M 4 Responses Apr 12

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    My friends and I have this running joke called

    "Turbo Tuesday." Tuesday is the most boring goddam day of the week, because it's not Monday where you're fresh off from the weekend, it's not Wednesday which is Hump Day, it's not Thursday which has something to look forward to, and it's not Friday or the goddam weekend. Tuesday...
    BlueMetalChick BlueMetalChick 18-21, F 6 Responses Mar 25

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    Halloween Pick up Lines.

    .. Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you out? Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself. What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    Engineer In Hell An engineer dies

    and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build...
    fishsweeper fishsweeper 51-55, F 10 Responses Sep 11

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    A group of Canadians was traveling by tour bus

    through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Oct 9

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    A Man's Wish A man was sick

    and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in...
    robbie1280 robbie1280 18-21, M 2 Responses Jun 10

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    Little Johnny

    The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny,a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said. 'Very good...
    belover0069 belover0069 22-25, F 44 Responses Oct 1, 2012

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    This one is an absolute killer.

    Wife : Don't you have simple manners?......I'm speaking for hours and you keep yawning every minute. Husband : I'm not yawning... I'm trying to say something !!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 5 Responses 1 day ago

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    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
    Sadie14 Sadie14 18-21, F 14 Responses Jul 3

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    A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a

    deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl and they're both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman...
    Callllie Callllie 70+, F 5 Responses Jul 16

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    Have you guys heard the Ebola joke?

    Doesn't matter. No one gets it anyways.
    Mikiec34 Mikiec34 51-55, M 3 Responses 13 hrs ago

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    Funny Ultimate Truths:

    1. Whenever i find the Key to Success, someone changes the lock. 2. The road to success is always under Construction 3. In order to get a loan, You first need to Prove that you don't need it 4. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or Married ;) 5...
    traveller139 traveller139 22-25, M 7 Responses Jan 28, 2013

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    Harry answers the telephone,

    and it's an Emergency Room doctor. The doctor says: "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life...
    ArtConsumer ArtConsumer 51-55, M 1 Response Oct 3

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    Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic.

    " Father: "Why?" Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'" Father: "But that's right!" Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'" Father: "What's the ******* difference?" Boy: "That's exactly what I said!" LOL
    zoiera zoiera 26-30, F 3 Responses Oct 6

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    An art teacher is walking through the class

    and looking a her little students working on their drawings , then she stops near 7yr old Evy and says 'Evy , what are you drawing ? ' Evy says I am drawing the face of God , so the teacher says 'that's not possible no one has ever seen the face of God' little Evy replies ' oh...
    Missreedy Missreedy 31-35 1 Response Oct 2

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    Grandmas Are Great

    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his grandmother asking him to send her acurrent photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in aNudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he...
    code091933 code091933 46-50, M 7 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Makes milkshake and put it at the backyard.

    After a few hours no one came. Went to mom and said that the "milkshake" song was a lie. Mom says "Come. Let me sing it for you." Mama sings and it went like this: Your milkshake don't bring anyone to the yard, 'cause they're like I can't take that. And they're like It's not...
    YesIAmACat YesIAmACat 16-17 1 Response Sep 28

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    A wealthy man was having an affair with an

    Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he...
    mguinm mguinm 41-45, F 16 Responses Jul 19

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    God and an Honest Man One day,

    while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"The woodcutter told Him that his axe has fallen into water. God went down into the water and reappeared with a...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 5 Responses Oct 11

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    Couple is having a quickie

    and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
    Toohottohandle1 Toohottohandle1 31-35, F 3 Responses Mar 26

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    An 80-yr-old man asked his Wife: Do you feel sad

    when you see me running after young girls? Wife: No, not at all, even DOGS chase cars, but can't drive them!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 2 Responses Sep 6

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    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

    For the sake of civility,and to keep it from getting sunburn he put his hat over his privates. As a woman walked past she said to the man snickering " if you were a gentleman. You'd lift your hat" The man raised an eyebrow and calmly replied " if you weren't so ugly it would...
    Daisyellenrose Daisyellenrose 13-15, F 12 Responses Jul 27

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    REST YOUR MIND I know you have been laying

    awake at night wondering why baby diapers have Brand names such as 'luvs, huggies, and pampers, while undergarments for old people are called Depends. Well here is the low down on the whole thing. When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and...
    Gettingout72 Gettingout72 41-45, F 7 Responses Sep 6

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    Wife: "How would you describe me?

    " Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
    GetYourFreakOn GetYourFreakOn 16-17, F 2 Responses Oct 11

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    Two old ladies are walking down the street

    and they come to this Billboard. It says in large letters "CONDOMINIUMS six Miles". One old lady says to the other, "Sex Sex Sex. That's all people think about:)
    ALincoln5 ALincoln5 66-70, M Oct 10

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    A man walks into the Dr.

    s office and says to the Dr.," I have this terrible gas problem. I can't seem to control it. It's strange though . It doesn't smell." Then he he accidentally leaves a couple farts and says," See what I mean!" The Dr says, "I'm going to send you to the hospital for some tests...
    ALincoln5 ALincoln5 66-70, M Oct 9

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    Their is this good looking youngwoman

    who is learning to play golf and she hits a ball in the direction of a golfer and he immeditely drops clutching his manly jewels ..the lady is embarased and immediately makes up by suckin him off ..and ask does that help"""he says it was awsome just that my broken finger pains...
    romell romell 36-40, M Oct 2

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    haha may be a rude joke

    but oh well haha mainly for guys Guy- goes up to random girl and says do you **** when you first meet somebody? Girl- No. Guy- ohh okay well see you tomorrow xD
    ElChaparro ElChaparro 18-21, M Oct 2

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    A man lays in a hospital bed talking to his

    wife. You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were...
    ALincoln5 ALincoln5 66-70, M 1 Response Oct 13

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    A secretary got an expensive pen

    as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce. The 'Thank You' email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 7 Responses Aug 8

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    Escaped Convict

    Escaped convict A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her...
    pmurillo pmurillo 26-30, F 5 Responses Sep 30, 2013

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    One rainy night a couple is suddenly awakened

    by a knock on a door at 3 am . Wife says to her husband ": who could that be at this time of the night ? Honey , can you go and check please ?" Husband ": ok , I'll check ." Husband opens the door and drunk man is standing outside . Husband says to a man ": hello , how...
    MaKogaJeBriga MaKogaJeBriga 36-40, F 2 days ago

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    For the Sexless Marriage Group

    Ok, now, if you're in a sexless marriage and wonder why, this will give you a clue! LOL Enjoy! Cheleanne   A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.     ...
    Cheleanne Cheleanne 66-70, F 9 Responses Nov 13, 2007

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    A helicopter was flying around above Seattle

    when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 Responses Mar 29

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    I stepped off the bus.

    .it was a beautiful day as I wandered down the street, I spotted a beautiful looking woman opposite...She looked straight into my eyes and I longingly looked into hers....Something truly electric passed between us! It was a bloody Toyota Prius!!!
    CraigusofEnglandshire CraigusofEnglandshire 51-55, M 1 Response 6 days ago

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    Getting fit and fab..

    .... (Photo)
    Zoren047 Zoren047 22-25, F Aug 6

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    "Sunday Morning Sex" Upon hearing

    that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on...
    xalian xalian 41-45, M 5 Responses May 27

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    Electric Fence / Lawn Mower

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
    Babydoll42 Babydoll42 41-45, F 13 Responses May 28, 2012

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