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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 2,966 People

    Question; love should be

    before marriage or after? Answer; doesn't matter, before or after, just don't let your wife know
    mkdpk mkdpk 41-45, M 1 Response 6 days ago

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    Teacher; why did you late Student; my mom

    and dad was fighting Teacher; okey they were fighting what was you doing Student; sir, one pair of shoes of mine mom had it and another one dad had
    mkdpk mkdpk 41-45, M 5 days ago

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    A man escapes from prison

    where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 7 Responses Jan 1

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    A Man's Wish A man was sick

    and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed, "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in...
    robbie1280 robbie1280 18-21, T 3 Responses Jun 10, 2014

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    mouse was in rush, cat asked,

    where you heading to? said, my friend elephant got wounded in fight, so I'm going to donate the blood
    mkdpk mkdpk 41-45, M 3 days ago

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    Police Officer: "How high are you?

    " Stoner: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F Dec 26, 2014

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 10 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    Martin was being interviewed

    for a new job. The person conducting the interview wanted to find out something about his personality, so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" Without hestitation, Martin responded, "The living one, of course!"
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses 2 days ago

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    There is a knock on the pearly gates.

    Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there’s another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. “Hey, are you...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses May 3

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    Couple is having a quickie

    and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
    Toohottohandle1 Toohottohandle1 31-35, F 3 Responses Mar 26, 2014

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    A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a

    deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl and they're both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman...
    Callllie Callllie 70+, F 6 Responses Jul 16, 2014

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    Marriage Counsellor

    After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the...
    HardingP119 HardingP119 36-40, M 10 Responses Aug 24, 2013

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    A blonde who had been unemployed

    for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    Getting fit and fab..

    .... (Photo)
    redtigerhood911 redtigerhood911 22-25, F 1 Response Aug 6, 2014

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    A married Irishman went into the confessional

    and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not...
    marmelade marmelade 51-55, F 7 Responses Feb 16

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    Some guy got in trouble

    for calling a women a "vagina", can you imagine what it'd be like if we called people according to their genitals? What a ****..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 1 Response May 12

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    Your always there to catch me

    when I fall Thank you floor.
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 2 Responses Apr 13

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    Engineer In Hell An engineer dies

    and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build...
    fishsweeper fishsweeper 51-55, F 14 Responses Sep 11, 2014

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    A young woman went to her doctor complaining of

    pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 1 Response May 2

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    This one is an absolute killer.

    Wife : Don't you have simple manners?......I'm speaking for hours and you keep yawning every minute. Husband : I'm not yawning... I'm trying to say something !!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 7 Responses Oct 21, 2014

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    Grandmas Are Great

    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letterfrom his grandmother asking him to send her acurrent photo of himself in his new location.Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in aNudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.The next day he discovers that he...
    code091933 code091933 46-50, M 9 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    A redneck family from outside Little Rock was

    visiting a city in the North and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son decided to stroll around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

    She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.She immediately moved to another seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.He seemed more amused.When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested...
    expressomarkie expressomarkie 46-50, M 4 Responses May 7

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    A teacher asks her class,

    "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then, Little Johnny...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 3 Responses Dec 24, 2014

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    It's cake O' clock Police officer: miss

    why you have a knife? Lady: yes officer, I carry a knife... But that's just in case I find a cake ..
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 3 Responses May 11

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    A teacher is teaching a class

    and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two...
    kittykat419 kittykat419 18-21, F 2 Responses Mar 24

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    Electric Fence / Lawn Mower

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 41-45, F 12 Responses May 28, 2012

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    Redneck murders are hard to solve,

    all the DNA is the same and there are no dental records....:P
    LadyLouisiana LadyLouisiana 56-60, F 5 Responses Mar 27

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    A Saudi Prince went to Germany to study.

    A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying: "Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here,but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train." Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 14

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    Two children ordered their mother to stay in

    bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen. But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs. "As a...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    If you're ever cold just stand in a corner.

    They're usually around 90 Degrees.
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 5 Responses Dec 16, 2014

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    Morris walks out into the street

    and hails a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Liam." "Who?" "Liam O'Connor. There's a lad who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Liam.""Every path...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses May 8

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    A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was

    lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    Oceandock19 Oceandock19 41-45, F 2 Responses May 14

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    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 9 Responses May 6

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    Scientist say... The world is made up of

    Protons, Neutrons , and Electrons... But they forgot to mention MORONS... Lol
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 5 Responses May 14

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    During a recent robbery in Hong Kong,

    the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you." Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking. When a lady lay on the...
    nicktime nicktime 31-35, M 8 Responses Aug 30, 2014

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    Joke- The Redhead A man is dining in a fancy

    restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs...
    mguinm mguinm 41-45, F 11 Responses Mar 7

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    Girl 1: If I go into

    that kitchen right now, are there still gonna be two bananas? Girl 2: Vince ate them. Vince: Nah, I don't eat bananas, they make me look apish. Girl 2: You look apish holding a pen.
    TGBman TGBman 22-25, M 1 Response 6 days ago

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    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...
    enchantingjade enchantingjade 36-40 12 Responses Jul 20, 2012

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    After the North American Beer Festival,

    all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I’d like the...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    If you're going to be a smart ***,

    first make sure you're smart, otherwise you're just an ***.. Lol
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 5 Responses May 12

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    A man received a message from his

    neighbor: Sorry Sir, I am using your wife day and night when you're not present at home. In fact,much more than you do. I confess this now because I'm feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. The man is down with heart attack. A few minutes later, he...
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 5 Responses May 14

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    A secretary got an expensive pen

    as a gift from her boss . She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email. The boss's wife read the email and immediately filed for divorce. The 'Thank You' email says: "Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extraordinary smooth flow, and a solid firm stroke...
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Aug 8, 2014

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    The other day my friend asked me "do you like

    your roads straight or curvy?" Said straight, she asked me if I knew what She meant and I had to think about it for a minute to understand, we started laughing and joking about it. Then my other friend came up and asked what we were talking about. So my friend asked her the...
    XxMyDemonsxX XxMyDemonsxX 16-17, F 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Jul 24, 2014

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