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I Love Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 3,155 People

    fuwhat fuwhat 18-21, M 4 days ago

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    A teacher is teaching a class

    and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two...
    Hojan Hojan 41-45, M 1 Response 2 days ago

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    What do you call a person

    who will not fart in front of others? A private toot-er! :-D
    701TeaseMe 701TeaseMe 31-35, F 1 Response a week ago

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    A man orders a drink from a barman.

    The barman says there is a small delay and tells the man to take a seat at the bar. As he waits the customer helps himself to some peanuts. The peanuts talk to him and say "sir you're so thoughtful for eating us. Thank you". Bemused to say the least the man goes to help himself...
    Hojan Hojan 41-45, M 2 Responses a week ago

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    This one is an absolute killer.

    Wife : Don't you have simple manners?......I'm speaking for hours and you keep yawning every minute. Husband : I'm not yawning... I'm trying to say something !!
    lemongrass09 lemongrass09 46-50, F 6 Responses Oct 21, 2014

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    Getting fit and fab..

    .... (Photo)
    redtigerhood911 redtigerhood911 22-25, F 1 Response Aug 6, 2014

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    As an airplane is about to crash,

    a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces: 'If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.' She removes all her clothing and asks, 'Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?' A man stands up, removes his shirt and says...
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 4 Responses Aug 26

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    Chuck Norris sleeps with the lights on,

    because the darks afraid of him..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 5 Responses Dec 25, 2014

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    Politicians A busload of politicians were

    driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 Responses Nov 3, 2014

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    Sublevarse Sublevarse 18-21, M 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    A man standing talking to a husband

    and wife farts. The husband says "how dare you fart before my wife", the man replied "I'm sorry I didn't realise it was her turn@.
    Hojan Hojan 41-45, M a week ago

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    If you're ever cold just stand in a corner.

    They're usually around 90 Degrees.
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 5 Responses Dec 16, 2014

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    If I gave you 2 cats ,

    and another 2 cats , and another 2 cats , how many would you have ? Seven . No , listen carefully......If I gave you 2 cats , and another 2 cats , and another 2 cats , how many would you have ? Seven . Let me put it to you differently . If I gave you 2 apples , and...
    Spiritual40 Spiritual40 36-40, F 1 Response 3 days ago

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    A man received a message from his

    neighbor: Sorry Sir, I am using your wife day and night when you're not present at home. In fact,much more than you do. I confess this now because I'm feeling very guilty. Hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. The man is down with heart attack. A few minutes later, he...
    Spicyandsweet Spicyandsweet 26-30, F 5 Responses May 14

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    Couple is having a quickie

    and their 6 year old catches them. Son says: "What are you doing?" Ask the son. Father: "I’m putting petrol in your Mom." Son: " Which means Mom’s engine is taking too much petrol cause Mr. Zwane just put some in yesterday!" Mother fainted!!!!
    Toohottohandle1 Toohottohandle1 36-40, F 3 Responses Mar 26, 2014

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    Q: What does sex have in common with a savings

    account? A: You lose interest once you make a withdrawal.
    Brunette4U Brunette4U 31-35, F 9 Responses Jun 14

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    An Englishman, an Irishman

    and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee; and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?' Her husband...
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 4 Responses 3 days ago

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    U heard the joke abt the roller coaster?

    ??....... Its complicated ...Theres alot of twists to it!!
    Avreich Avreich 22-25, M 13 hrs ago

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    I found an old return ticket in my pocket the

    other day. It took me back.
    Hojan Hojan 41-45, M 6 days ago

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    Bad Example

    One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "*****" and the women called the man a "bastard". Their son walked in and said "What does ***** and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen". The next day the parents decided...
    enchantingjade enchantingjade 36-40 12 Responses Jul 20, 2012

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    The Old Ones Are The Best

    A balding, white haired man from Chebacco Lake and Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and...
    KatarinaVonSweet KatarinaVonSweet 36-40, F 10 Responses Mar 11, 2013

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    A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

    For the sake of civility,and to keep it from getting sunburn he put his hat over his privates. As a woman walked past she said to the man snickering " if you were a gentleman. You'd lift your hat" The man raised an eyebrow and calmly replied " if you weren't so ugly it would...
    Ridingtonewyork Ridingtonewyork 16-17, F 16 Responses Jul 27, 2014

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    Girl in cinema turns sideways

    and whispers to her boyfriend. 'The man next to me is ************!' 'Ignore him.' 'I can't.' 'Why not?' 'He's using my hand!'
    PAL15 PAL15 26-30, M 1 Response Aug 25

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    You heard the joke abt the wall?

    ??....... I just cant get over it!!!
    Avreich Avreich 22-25, M 13 hrs ago

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    A man buys a lie detector robot w/c slaps people

    who lie. He decides 2 test it during dinner. DAD: Son, where were u 2day during school hrs? SON: @ School. Robot slaps son! SON: Ok, I lied, I went 2d movies. DAD: W/c one? SON: Toy Story. Robot slaps son again! SON: Ok, it was p0rn. DAD: What?! When I was your age, I didn't...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 5 Responses Dec 27, 2014

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    Husband: 'Fancy a quickie?

    ' Wife: 'As opposed to what?'
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 6 Responses a week ago

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    An Englishman, a Welshman

    and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter skelter when an old witch steps in front of them. 'This is a magic ride,' she says. 'You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down.' 'I'm game for this,' says the Welshman and slides down the helter skelter...
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 6 Responses 1 day ago

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    Your always there to catch me

    when I fall Thank you floor.
    mr8bitmonster mr8bitmonster 18-21, M 2 Responses Apr 13

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    An Englishman, a Scotsman,

    an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub...
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 3 Responses 3 days ago

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    A magician was facing an unruly crowd

    as his tricks failed to impress them. To cheer them up, the magician said: 'could any one please give me an egg. For I shall show you a marvelous trick' One at the last row shouted: 'If we had an egg with us, it would have reached you long before'
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 3 Responses 6 days ago

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    A lady approaches her priest

    and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed...
    deleted deleted 26-30 3 Responses Dec 5, 2014

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    Electric Fence / Lawn Mower

    If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but 'he tells it like it is' without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this, CHECK YOUR PULSE... this is funny... and true. This was sent by a...
    NotHisBabydoll NotHisBabydoll 46-50, F 12 Responses May 28, 2012

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    I had an e-mail saying,

    'At Google Earth we can read maps backwards .. ' I thought, 'that's just spam.'
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 3 Responses 6 days ago

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    Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

    It got stuck in a crack! hah!
    701TeaseMe 701TeaseMe 31-35, F 2 Responses 5 days ago

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    U heard the joke abt the popcorn?

    ........ Its kinda corny!!
    Avreich Avreich 22-25, M 13 hrs ago

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    You heard the joke abt tge pencil?

    ?........ Actually it has no point to it!!
    Avreich Avreich 22-25, M 13 hrs ago

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    Boy : Marry me.. ? Girl: Do you have a house.

    .? Boy : No.. Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ? Boy : No.. Girl: How much is your salary.. ? Boy : No salary.. but,.. Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i marry you.?? Leave please.! Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3 property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I still...
    deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Jul 24, 2014

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    Why was six afraid of seven?

    Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good...
    Sadie14 Sadie14 18-21, F 20 Responses Jul 3, 2014

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    After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last

    year, English scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 1000 years ago. Not to be outdone by the English, in the weeks that followed, Scottish scientists dug to a depth...
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 7 Responses Aug 25

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    There I was , sitting at the bar ,

    staring at my drink , when a large biker steps up next to me , grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig . Well what ya gonna do about it ? He says to me menacingly , as I burst into tears . Come on man , he says to me , I didn't think you would cry , I can't stand to see a...
    Spiritual40 Spiritual40 36-40, F 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    A teacher asks her class,

    "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot" The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then, Little Johnny...
    yaellovesu yaellovesu 70+, F 4 Responses Dec 24, 2014

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    An Irishman, an Englishman

    and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional. 'Y'ken,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back hame. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so...
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 5 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    A man called 999 and said,

    'I think my wife is dead.' The operator asked, 'How do you know?' The man said, 'The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up ..'
    Gavriella Gavriella 26-30, F 7 Responses Aug 26

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    A married Irishman went into the confessional

    and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together but then I stopped.' The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not...
    marmelade marmelade 51-55, F 6 Responses Feb 16

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    Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.

    While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya...
    PAL15 PAL15 26-30, M 2 Responses a week ago

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    Engineer In Hell An engineer dies

    and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build...
    fishsweeper fishsweeper 56-60, F 13 Responses Sep 11, 2014

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