Now Help Me Apply Direct Pressure before I Bleed Out
Wife, playing Uno: Skip, skip, skip, skip, wild card, draw four, blue, draw two, uno, I win.
Husband: Wow. I'm bleeding.
Wife: I hope it's from the ***, because that's where I just raped you.
Or Simply Take His Hand Out of My Pants?
Guy forcing way through crowded dance floor: Excuse me, you ****-ing beautiful bi'tch.
Girl, stepping aside, then suddenly turning to friend: Should I be offended?
Los Angeles, California
And Put Some Underpants on, Wouldya?
Santa: Remember, you have to be very good so I can bring you lots of presents.
Little girl: I have been! I have been!
Santa: I came by your house the other day. Did you know that?
Little girl: Really?! Wow!
And the Nightmare
Turkish man: Miss, you are so lovely. Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Uh, sure.
Turkish man: You are so beautiful, I would suck on your father's **** just to taste where you came from.
Girl: Uh... Thanks for the drink [leaves].
--Crash Mansion, 199 Bowery...
And Leave Wet Spots Wherever They Go
Male professor: Yes, Miss...? Uh...
Hot chick, raising hand: Beaver.
Professor: Beaver? How come I don't remember that being your last name? You don't look like a 'Beaver.' Maybe if you were wet... [Entire class goes silent...
Because Their Fangs Leave Behind Swollen, Itchy Spots, Too?
Boy George: I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of vaginas. They bother me in the way that spiders bother some people.
I wish I would have said this. Now, I'm a chunky girl too but this is the funniest thing I've heard all week:
Black guy, about fat black girl: Damn, I know Anissa's jacket be hurtin'! That zipper be like [in falsetto], 'Heeelp! Let me down! Let me dooown!'