Now Help Me Apply Direct Pressure before I Bleed Out
Wife, playing Uno: Skip, skip, skip, skip, wild card, draw four, blue, draw two, uno, I win.
Husband: Wow. I'm bleeding.
Wife: I hope it's from the ***, because that's where I just raped you.
Because Their Fangs Leave Behind Swollen, Itchy Spots, Too?
Boy George: I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of vaginas. They bother me in the way that spiders bother some people.
Or Simply Take His Hand Out of My Pants?
Guy forcing way through crowded dance floor: Excuse me, you ****-ing beautiful bi'tch.
Girl, stepping aside, then suddenly turning to friend: Should I be offended?
Los Angeles, California
And Put Some Underpants on, Wouldya?
Santa: Remember, you have to be very good so I can bring you lots of presents.
Little girl: I have been! I have been!
Santa: I came by your house the other day. Did you know that?
Little girl: Really?! Wow!
I wish I would have said this. Now, I'm a chunky girl too but this is the funniest thing I've heard all week:
Black guy, about fat black girl: Damn, I know Anissa's jacket be hurtin'! That zipper be like [in falsetto], 'Heeelp! Let me down! Let me dooown!'
And Leave Wet Spots Wherever They Go
Male professor: Yes, Miss...? Uh...
Hot chick, raising hand: Beaver.
Professor: Beaver? How come I don't remember that being your last name? You don't look like a 'Beaver.' Maybe if you were wet... [Entire class goes silent...
And the Nightmare
Turkish man: Miss, you are so lovely. Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Uh, sure.
Turkish man: You are so beautiful, I would suck on your father's **** just to taste where you came from.
Girl: Uh... Thanks for the drink [leaves].
--Crash Mansion, 199 Bowery...