I Love Riddles And Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 451 People

    Would you a get a girlfriend

    if I died? Wife: "Would you get a girlfriend again if I died?" Husband: "Of course not." Wife: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" Husband: "Ok, I would marry again." (annoyed) Wife: "Oh..." (sad) Husband: -silence- Wife: "Would you live in our house?" Husband...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Oct 30, 2014

    Husband texts to wife on cell.

    "hi, what are you doing darling?" Wife: I'm dying...! Husband jumps with joy but types "sweet Heart how can I live without you?" Wife: You idiot! I'm dying my hair...Husband: "bloody English language!"
    Helen167 Helen167
    36-40, F
    Nov 18, 2014

    Bloomingdales

    A woman in Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her Rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered all over Bloomingdales. "Why Bloomingdales?" asked the rabbi. "Then I'll be...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Nov 21, 2013

    A Kindergarten teacher was observing her

    classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    3 Responses May 14, 2015

    Police Dog A police dog responds to an ad

    for work with the FBI. "Well," says the personnel director, "You'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute." Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute. "Also," says the director, "You must pass a...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Jan 12, 2015

    A Tortoise Races a Bear A tortoise

    and bear met one spring day at a lake. A polar bear agreed to referee their race around the lake. While the bear took the land route, the tortoise dived through a hole in the ice. Then at the next hole it appeared ahead of the bear. The bear who was so confident of winning that...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Jul 17, 2014

    What's the hardest part about being a *********?

    ?? Fitting in What type of file do you need to turn a 4mm hole into a 40mm hole??? A ********* How do you give a hillbilly a circumcised?? Kick his sister in the jaw I was raping this woman the other day and she cried please think of my children... Kinky...
    username00111 username00111
    18-21, M
    May 18, 2015

    John was driving when a policeman pulled him

    over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" John...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Apr 18, 2015

    My wife and I, both graduate students,

    recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting other payments. We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change. As my wife...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Jan 29, 2015

    Q: What is the difference between a crazy bunny

    and a counterfeit banknote? A: One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response May 13, 2014

    I worked for the local news paper

    for a lot of years and I still remember what one of the press guys did as a joke on one of the bosses in the press room. Sean he is one of the guys who was running the press at the time gives Bill a message saying that someone had called for him so he calls this person and he...
    Lockiel45 Lockiel45
    46-50, M
    1 Response Aug 28, 2015

    A young woman went to her doctor complaining of

    pain. "Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor. "You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman. "What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific." The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she...
    zydeko zydeko
    18-21
    May 2, 2015

    Two ninety-year-old men,

    Fred and John, have been friends for most of their lives. When it's clear that John is dying, Fred says, "John, we both loved rugby all our lives. So when you get to heaven, please let me know if there's rugby there." John agrees to try. Shortly afterwards he dies. A few nights...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response May 12, 2015

    A guy walks into a post office one day to see a

    middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding...
    zydeko zydeko
    18-21
    May 2, 2015

    A young man couldn’t decide

    which girl to marry. He liked one girl, but he really liked another one named Maria, too. He decided to ask his friend for advice. “How do you make important decisions?” he asked his friend. “Well, I go to church,” replied his friend. “Then I look up and pray and...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Jun 29, 2015

    While the barber is lathering the man up

    for his shave, the man expresses to the barber how he has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks. The barber replies with a solution and pulls a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place the wooden ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and you...
    zydeko zydeko
    18-21
    Jun 22, 2015

    Two men sit in a train compartment.

    One of them takes out a small package of fish, separates the heads from the bodies, and then proceeds to carefully clean the heads. The other man curiously asks why he is cleaning the fish heads. "Ah, you see, these are a special kind of fish, where if you eat their brains, it...
    JoannaBe JoannaBe
    41-45, F
    1 Response Dec 2, 2014

    Annual Convention

    A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Sep 11, 2013

    If a quiz is quizzical,

    what's a test? X3
    gglz18 gglz18
    22-25, F
    4 Responses Nov 17, 2014

    Q: What do you call a blind dinosaur?

    A: Do-you-think-he-saur-us.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Jun 5, 2014

    Two Guys Both Lose Their Wives In A Grocery

    Store Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery store when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Apr 28, 2015

    three positive whole numbers

    that have the same answer added together or when multiplied together.
    rajbj rajbj
    22-25, M
    1 Response Dec 28, 2015

    Top brass from the Army,

    Navy and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the dispute using an enlisted man from each branch. The Army General called a private over and ordered him to climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The Caissons Go Rolling...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response May 23, 2015

    Saints Dominic, Francis of Assisi,

    and Ignatius of Loyola are transported back in time and place to the birth of Our Lord. St. Dominic, seeing the Incarnation of the Word, is sent into ecstasy. St. Francis, seeing God become a helpless child, is overcome with humility. St. Ignatius of Loyola takes Mary and Joseph...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response May 2, 2015

    The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven.

    St Peter is receptionist at the entrance. - A cat shows up. St Peter says "I know you! You were a very nice cat on earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted." Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice...
    zydeko zydeko
    18-21
    Jun 22, 2015

    How do you help save EP?

    While your coffee I'd brewing please take the time to sign the petition to save EP...and while you drink you coffee spread the word to your friends https://www.change.org/p/ep-keep-ep-open-don-t-close-ep?recruiter=515242832&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=copylink
    BytheBy BytheBy
    46-50, F
    1 Response Mar 24, 2016

    When I bought beer at the 
grocery store,

    the clerk asked for 
my birthdate. I said, “10-3-60.” Her next question: “Is that ‘19’ 60?”
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response May 18, 2015

    My niece told me a knock knock joke one time.

    She messed it up but it actually made it funnier. "Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Butter" "Butter who?" "I CAN'T tell you. It's a secret." She was supposed to say "Butter not tell you, it's a secret" but when she told me her improvised line, she still laughed super hard and her...
    gglz18 gglz18
    22-25, F
    3 Responses Nov 17, 2014

    A Birthday Wish Little Sonia was shouting her

    prayers. "Please God send me a new doll for my birthday." Her mother, overhearing this, said, "Don't shout dear, God isn't deaf." "No, but Grandad is, and he's in the next room," Sonia replied.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response May 26, 2015

    At a fine-dining restaurant,

    the waiter approached a man who was carefully studying the menu. "May I take your order, sir?" he asked. "Well, I was wondering how you prepare your chicken," The man replied. "Oh, it's nothing too special, sir," the waiter confided, "We just tell them straight out they're...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Mar 14, 2015

    A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida

    and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesman back in Omaha." The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start...
    BytheBy BytheBy
    46-50, F
    2 Responses Jan 28, 2015

    The woman at the insurance office inquired

    as to the costs, amounts paid, etc. "So," she concluded, "if I pay five dollars, you pay me a thousand if my house burns down. But do you ask questions about how the fire came to start?" "We make careful investigation, of course," the agent replied. The woman flounced toward the...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Apr 23, 2015

    Catching The Fish Jim had an awful day

    fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Apr 29, 2015

    Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on

    an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot. So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    3 Responses Jul 13, 2015

    Blonde in a Library A blonde redneck goes

    into a library and says, "Hello. I'm here to see the doctor." The librarian replies, "This is a library." So the blonde redneck lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm here to see the doctor."
    BytheBy BytheBy
    46-50, F
    2 Responses Jan 28, 2015

    Angry Nuns Take On a Vampire Two nuns are out

    driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of their car. "Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross!" So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Hey! You! Buzz off!"
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Nov 22, 2014

    A blonde who had been unemployed

    for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the...
    zydeko zydeko
    18-21
    1 Response May 2, 2015

    Q: What is the difference between Bird Flu

    and Swine Flu? A: For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    3 Responses Jan 10, 2015

    A person checks into a hotel

    for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?" The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?" The person says, " Well, there's one door that...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    3 Responses Mar 8, 2015

    My boss called me today

    and said, "How's it going at the office today? Is everything okay?" I told him, "Yep, all under control. It's been busy. I haven't had a break all day." "Great. Can you do me a favor?" "Sure, boss. What?" "Speed up play; I'm in the foursome behind you!"
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Aug 25, 2015

    Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to

    catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two...
    zydeko zydeko
    18-21
    May 2, 2015

    St. Peter A priest and a politician

    both died and went to heaven at the same time. They get to the pearly gates where St. Peter greets them. He motions to the priest, and they both hop in a jeep and go out the back door. There are about 50 acres of rolling hills with a little cottage on the knoll. St. Peter...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Nov 24, 2014

    Bridegroom: "Dear, we've been back from the

    Caribbean for a month now. We've been in our apartment now for nearly a month. Isn't it time we were alone?" Bride: "But darling, we are alone, aren't we?" Bridegroom: "What I mean is, when can we get your mother out of here?" Bride: "MY mother? I thought she was YOUR...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Nov 18, 2014

    A trucker came into a truck stop cafe

    and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of...
    zydeko zydeko
    18-21
    Jun 22, 2015

    The Police Academy Three guys,

    a Polish guy, a Jewish guy and an Italian guy sign up for the police academy. The Jewish guy goes in first and the Captain says to him, "We have to ask you one question before we admit you in to the academy, Who killed Jesus?" The Jewish guy says "The Romans did it." The Captain...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Jul 16, 2014

    A woman went to the emergency room,

    where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Dec 14, 2014

    Strike One! A neighbor was watching a little

    boy playing with a ball and bat in his backyard. "I'm the greatest hitter in the world" the boy exclaimed as he threw the ball into the air. He swung with all his might but missed the ball and fell down himself. "Strike One" he says as he gets up. He throws it up again and...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses May 24, 2015

    Airman Jones was assigned to the induction

    center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this...
    zydeko zydeko
    18-21
    1 Response Jun 22, 2015

    here is a good riddle.

    lets see who can figure it out. a guy is sitting in is car with a gun shot wound. the doors are locked and windows are rolled up. there is no bullet whole in any of the windows. how did he get shot?
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    4 Responses May 3, 2015

    QUOTES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL FEDERAL EMPLOYEE

    PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS: 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." 3. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 4. "This employee is really not so much...
    zydeko zydeko
    18-21
    Jun 22, 2015

    Hockey

    At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    2 Responses Nov 10, 2013

    After a church service on Sunday morning,

    a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a priest when I grow up.” “That’s OK with us,” she said, “but what made you decide that?” “Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response May 22, 2015

    Dating hints for gentlemen There are lots of

    ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date... I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you. I used to come here all the time with my...
    linda linda
    26-30, F
    1 Response Nov 24, 2014

    A child asked his father,

    "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The...
    linda linda
    26-30, F
    1 Response Nov 23, 2014

    A politician was once asked about his attitude

    towards whisky. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response May 16, 2015
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