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I Love Stupid Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 12,067 People

    so these 3 blondes are discussing what gender

    they think their baby will be. the first one says "I'm having a girl because i was on top" and the second one says "I'm having a boy because he was on top" and the third one cries and exclaims "I'm having puppies!"
    ProbablyUncomfortable ProbablyUncomfortable 13-15, T 1 Response Aug 26

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    As an airplane is about to crash,

    a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says...
    cmyk323 cmyk323 36-40, F 7 Responses Aug 25

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    Two peanuts walk into a bar,

    one was a salted. I was a banker, but I lost interest. I had a job crushing cans, it was soda pressing.. How do you make holy water? You boiler the hell out of it. A soldier who survives mustard gas and pepper spray, is a seasoned veteran. If you ever need an ark, I...
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 1 Response May 11

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    A teenage boy is getting ready to take his

    girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then...
    CookieM0nsterr CookieM0nsterr 18-21, F 2 Responses Aug 23

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    cnk2015 cnk2015 22-25, F 2 Responses Jan 3

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    Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday

    and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 1 Response May 20

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    What my girlfriend thought,

    first 4 dates: 1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow,a second nice shirt. 3. Okay, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts.
    omarrochet omarrochet 18-21, M 1 Response Mar 7

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    So

    So this guy who suffers from premature *********** comes out of nowhere...
    KendraKitty KendraKitty 22-25, F 6 Responses Nov 21, 2013

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    On their first night together,

    a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he...
    cmyk323 cmyk323 36-40, F 13 Responses Aug 25

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    I Think You're The Father of One of My Kids.

    ... A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says, 'Hello.' He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now...
    tammy96 tammy96 51-55, M 4 Responses Aug 24

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    Baby Polar Bear: A baby polar bear goes up to

    his dad and asks, "Dad, am I really a polar bear?" "What do you mean the dad asks?" "Well said the the baby, I don't have any Brown, Andean or Panda Bear in me do I?" Certainly not his Dad says, you are 100% Polar Bear... Not convinced he wanders over to his Mother and asks...
    tammy96 tammy96 51-55, M 4 Responses Aug 26

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    Whenever you're feeling sad,

    remember: somewhere some idiot is trying to push a door that's says pull.
    MommysGotTats420 MommysGotTats420 22-25, F 1 Response Feb 19

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    seniordingdong seniordingdong 26-30, M 5 hrs ago

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    A colleague came into my office the other day

    and asked, "can I use your dictaphone?" I said, "No! You can use your finger like everybody else."
    Woody6 Woody6 41-45, M 2 Responses Aug 18

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    A man got pulled over

    for speeding .. The officer approached the car and said " sir if you can give me one good reason why you were speeding I'll let you go ... The man thought a second and then said " a few years ago my wife ran off with a state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back...
    roxy20122929292 roxy20122929292 22-25, F 3 Responses May 19

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    deleted deleted 26-30 10 Responses Apr 10

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    A teacher is teaching a class

    and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two...
    rajbj rajbj 18-21, M 2 Responses 6 days ago

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    A little girl asked her mother,

    “How did the human race begin?” The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made.” Two days later the girl asked her father the same question, “How did the human race begin?” The father answered, “Many years ago there...
    tammy96 tammy96 51-55, M 7 Responses 2 days ago

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    a crazy hairdresser asks the guy he's giving a

    haircut do you want this ear ? and the guy thinking he's joking says no i don't need it, the hairdresser cuts it and throw it away and asks the guy bleeding do you want the other one and the guy screams yes yes i want it ! and the hairdresser cuts it and tells him here take it.
    Mindlha Mindlha 22-25, M 3 Responses Aug 26

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    2 patrons at an Indian restaurant were rushed

    to hospital after accidentally snorting curry powder which they mistook for cokaine. One was reportedly in a korma while the other had a dodgy tikka Naan other updates are available at this time!
    tammy96 tammy96 51-55, M 3 Responses 2 days ago

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    can any body beat my score https://www.

    youtube.com/watch?v=nDBvkPAByuI
    Kyle178 Kyle178 22-25, M 6 days ago

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    Daughter: Mom I am pregnant.

    Mom: But I told you to say don't when a boy touches your b-oobs and say stop when he touches your va-gi-na. Daughter: But he kept touching both, so it came out don't stop, don't stop, don't stop, don't stop....
    nightstar123 nightstar123 22-25, F 6 Responses Jun 29

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    Some guy at the bar turns to his friend

    and says: you are getting really fat!! His epic reply: yeah it's because every time I sleep with your wife she makes me a sandwich...
    wannahelpyou81 wannahelpyou81 31-35, M 1 Response Nov 26, 2014

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    Dyslexic guy robbing a bank :"Air in the hands,

    mother stickers!" "This is a **** up!"
    Fairydust1986 Fairydust1986 26-30, F 6 Responses Jul 16

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    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 7 Responses Apr 23

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    Stupid people be like: OMG are you also born on

    your birthday? Me: What the actual ****? 😂 'Don't ask a stupid question if you don't want a sarcastic answer' Goodnight Faye xoxo
    faykath faykath 13-15, F 2 Responses 6 days ago

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    Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?

    " Student: "Meat!" Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?" Student: "Bacon!" Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?" Student: "Homework!"
    rajbj rajbj 18-21, M 6 days ago

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    So the 3rd grade teacher is talking to the kids

    about farm animals. She asks the kids: "What does the chicken give us?" One of the kids yells out "Eggs!" Teacher say "Very good Mary". Next she asks the class "What does the pig give us?" One of the kids yells out "Bacon!! Teacher says "Very good Johnny". The teacher...
    Dave002 Dave002 56-60, M 1 Response 4 days ago

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    A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook

    for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what mummy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it! Its an *******!"
    Fairydust1986 Fairydust1986 26-30, F 5 Responses Aug 11

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    Famous Playboy Hugh Hefner managed to

    successfully stop an order of monks from operating a business on his property. The police forced the friars to close down their stall, which was outside the Playboy mansion where they had been selling flowers. Said one friar: "Well, if it was anyone else we may have gotten away...
    RememberTomorrow RememberTomorrow 31-35, M Aug 25

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    There are 30 cows and 28 chickens ?

    How many are left ?????
    12emilio12 12emilio12 18-21, M 2 Responses Aug 20

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    PinksTheNewBlack PinksTheNewBlack 13-15, F 5 Responses Aug 12

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    "Does this dress make me look fat?

    " "No, you were fat before."
    NatashaRose NatashaRose 18-21, F 5 Responses 21 hrs ago

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    My friend told me this joke was the only one

    laughing lol Why did the elephants get kicked out of the public pool? THEY KEPT DROPPING THEIR TRUNKS!
    brenda4696 brenda4696 18-21, F Jan 2

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    I was in church and the preast was giving a

    sermon about alcohol how bad it is for you .and to prove it he put a worm in a glass of water and one in to a glass of whiskey after a while he held up the two glasses and said look the worm in the water is still alive and the worm in the whiskey is dead what dose that prove...
    robo57 robo57 56-60, M 3 Responses Dec 6, 2014

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    Hand Solo has recently opened a restaurant.

    Customers are already saying that the stake is a bit Chewie b
    prudance prudance 51-55, T Aug 26

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    this is website is full of jokes love it

    http://unlimitedshortjokes.weebly.com/
    Kyle178 Kyle178 22-25, M 1 Response Aug 25

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    A guy driving his car runs a red light

    when a police officer stops him. you ran that red light ! yes i did. you didn't see it ? i saw it. so why did you do it ? i saw the red light but i didn't see YOU.
    Mindlha Mindlha 22-25, M 3 Responses May 19

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    A man went to the zoo.

    And there were no animals except one dog. It was a shitzu :)
    QueenGoddess QueenGoddess 18-21, F 4 Responses Jul 22

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    Husband: Darling, why are these defective

    condoms lying on the sofa ? Wife: what..!! where...?? Wife: (after realizing) stop calling our children defective condoms.!!
    Adamsofeve Adamsofeve 26-30, M 1 Response 16 hrs ago

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    A serial killer catches 2 guys

    and a girl. he asks the first guy what's your name ? the first one says Tom the serial killer kills him. he then asks the girl what's your name ? she says i'm Rachel. my mothers name is Rachel too, i can't kill you, you can leave. he then asks the last one what's your name ? the...
    Mindlha Mindlha 22-25, M 2 Responses 1 day ago

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    What's green and smells of pork?

    Kermit the Frogs finger. How do Welsh find sheep? Irrisistable. Why does Santa only work 1 day a year? A Clause in his contract. How do you know when an elephant as had sex in your garden? Your grass is flat and the bin liners gone. The new gas powered airplane as failed...
    prudance prudance 51-55, T 2 Responses 7 hrs ago

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    I was at the Supermarket today

    for literally 5 minutes, when I came out I saw a cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on man, can't you give a guy a break?" He ignored me and kept writing the ticket, so I called him a pencil-neck dickhead. He glared at me, and started to write a...
    TooShy2 TooShy2 61-65, M 1 Response Aug 16

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    I am a very lucky man.

    My wonderful girlfriend and I have been dating for over a year, and recently decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me - it's her sexy younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law just turned 18, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less...
    C00LDaddy C00LDaddy 41-45, M 2 Responses Aug 16

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    Energizer bunny got arrested.

    Charged with battery..
    Sublevarse Sublevarse 18-21, M 3 Responses Jul 3

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    Fairydust1986 Fairydust1986 26-30, F 4 Responses Jul 31

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