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I Love Stupid Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 10,792 People

    Daughter: Mom I am pregnant.

    Mom: But I told you to say don't when a boy touches your b-oobs and say stop when he touches your va-gi-na. Daughter: But he kept touching both, so it came out don't stop, don't stop, don't stop, don't stop....
    nightstar123 nightstar123 22-25, F 7 Responses Jun 29

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    After serving 18 months of a 25-year sentence,

    a man escaped from prison. His escape was the lead story on the early evening TV news and knowing that there would be a huge search party out looking for him, he took care to make his way home via a long, cross-country route of fields and forests. When he finally made it to his...
    hancockian hancockian 66-70, M 1 Response Apr 13

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    Men say that women should come with instruction,

    what's the point of that? Have you actually seen a man read the instructions anyways?..
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 3 Responses Apr 23

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    So this scientist says to a Russian i finally

    cracked it i have finely invented a working truth elixir all you do is drink it and you start telling the truth the Russian pauses for second and replays we all ready invented that its called Vodka
    BrynDavid BrynDavid 31-35, M 2 Responses Jul 12

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    PyroSpyro PyroSpyro 18-21, M Jul 22

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    What gets longer when pulled,

    tight when jerked, fits perfect between breasts and also fits in a hole?
    tammy96 tammy96 51-55, M 1 Response Jul 19

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    Finally figured out why it's called playing the

    field... You're plowing everybody. Throw some salt on her and treat her like your driveway winter, you know it's coming so you gotta be ready to plow her in the middle of the night. Just some reasons why I should not be allowed to think
    TheAmazinglyAwkwardSpiderJoe1 TheAmazinglyAwkwardSpiderJoe1 18-21, M 2 days ago

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    fobbed fobbed 26-30, F 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    chiiii-chiiii-chiiii-chiiii-kaaa-kaaa-kaaa-kaaa-aaai-aaai-aaai-aaai-eeeh-eeeh-eeeh-eeeh-huuu-huuu-huuu-huuu-huuu-ki-ki-ki-ki-chik-chik-chik-chik-aai-aai-aai-aai-huup-huup-huup-huup.. congatulations..!! you just learnt how to speak the monkey language. come here and take your...
    Adamsofeve Adamsofeve 26-30, M 4 Responses Jul 14

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    Aphrodite1997 Aphrodite1997 18-21, F 4 Responses Apr 6

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    Q: why Lady Gaga has 'Lady'

    as first name? A: So that people know she is a woman, not a man XD
    Adamsofeve Adamsofeve 26-30, M 4 days ago

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    I was at the bar the other night with my buddy

    having some beers. We had been there a while when two large girls came up to the bar and ordered some drinks. I noticed when they ordered they both had strong accents so I said ‘Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?’ One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said ‘it...
    Tox1979 Tox1979 36-40, M Jul 22

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    Two peanuts walk into a bar,

    one was a salted. I was a banker, but I lost interest. I had a job crushing cans, it was soda pressing.. How do you make holy water? You boiler the hell out of it. A soldier who survives mustard gas and pepper spray, is a seasoned veteran. If you ever need an ark, I...
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 1 Response May 11

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    deleted deleted 26-30 11 Responses Apr 10

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    fobbed fobbed 26-30, F 3 days ago

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    deleted deleted 26-30 Jul 15

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    Two crazy guys finds a shiit on the street

    and starts eating it one says it's chocolate and the others says it's jam, when they ask a guy passing by and he tells them it's a shiit and they both say thanks god we didn't step on it
    Mindlha Mindlha 22-25, M 1 Response Jul 21

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    So I have a joke.. Sort of,

    depending on your level of tolerance. What does a ginger say before they shave their privates?
    TheAmazinglyAwkwardSpiderJoe1 TheAmazinglyAwkwardSpiderJoe1 18-21, M 1 Response Jul 21

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    What did the DNA of the fat one say to the DNA

    of the slim one? “Do these genes make me look fat?”
    deleted deleted 26-30 1 Response Jul 15

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    What do you call a elephant

    that is not relevant? Erelephant 😁
    L0serLikeMe L0serLikeMe 18-21, F 6 Responses Jun 14

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    Some guy at the bar turns to his friend

    and says: you are getting really fat!! His epic reply: yeah it's because every time I sleep with your wife she makes me a sandwich...
    wannahelpyou81 wannahelpyou81 31-35, M 1 Response Nov 26, 2014

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    Why doesn't Santa have any kids?

    Because he only comes once a year.
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 3 Responses May 13

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    What Is Politics? A little boy goes to his dad

    and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we...
    deleted deleted 26-30 Jul 12

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    cnk2015 cnk2015 22-25, F 2 Responses Jan 3

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    A man got pulled over

    for speeding .. The officer approached the car and said " sir if you can give me one good reason why you were speeding I'll let you go ... The man thought a second and then said " a few years ago my wife ran off with a state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back...
    roxy20122929292 roxy20122929292 22-25, F 3 Responses May 19

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    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 7 Responses Apr 23

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    What does Arnold Schwarzenegger say

    whenever he's asked to upgrade his Windows system?..............I still love Vista, baby.
    Bumblelion Bumblelion 31-35, M 6 Responses Jun 25

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    Rapmon: Jimin? Jimin: Yes?

    Rapmon: You've got a butt load of jams Jimin: R-really?! :D Rapmon: ... Jimin: ... Rapmon: ..... Jimin: ...... Jimin: ..That was a lie, wasn't it? Rapmon: Yeah, you still got no jams Jimin: ( ;-;)
    jellyfishz jellyfishz 13-15, T 1 Response 4 days ago

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    One day a chicken came into the library

    and went "book". The librarian gives the chicken a book, the chicken sticks it under its wing and leaves. The next day, the chicken returns and goes "book-book-book". The librarian gives the chicken 3 books, the chicken sticks it under its wings again and leaves. The day after...
    Gentle153Old Gentle153Old 26-30, M Dec 15, 2014

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    A blonde girl was talking to her redhead friend

    about her boyfriend's dandruff problem. The redhead says "Why don't you give him Head and Shoulders?" The blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?" XD XD XD
    Adamsofeve Adamsofeve 26-30, M 2 Responses Jul 13

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    a bloke's in a bar and bets the bartender he

    can get 2 ladies numbers, to which barkeep responds, 'good luck mate, they're lesbians' bloke goes over to them and asks "what part of lesbia you girls from" ends up with 2 black eyes
    fobbed fobbed 26-30, F 4 days ago

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    When I found out that my masseuse is also a

    prostitute, I was relieved.
    Min79 Min79 36-40, M Jul 20

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    two drunk guys one says to the other make us

    some tea and the other one replies we need sugar go out and ask neighbours for some. the guy goes out but can't find anyone and he comes back to his friend and tells him do you have some sugar please? and the other one replies no but i just sent my friend to bring some
    Mindlha Mindlha 22-25, M 1 Response Jul 21

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    Energizer bunny got arrested.

    Charged with battery..
    Sublevarse Sublevarse 18-21, M 3 Responses Jul 3

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    Whenever you're feeling sad,

    remember: somewhere some idiot is trying to push a door that's says pull.
    MommysGotTats420 MommysGotTats420 22-25, F 1 Response Feb 19

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    this man falls out off a five story window hit

    the pavement with a whack brakes 7 bones wakes up in hospital Nurse says how are you sir? and man says I'm fine and it could have been worse lucky i didn't land in the grass it had stones on it
    BrynDavid BrynDavid 31-35, M 3 Responses Jul 21

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    Have anyone checked these parodies

    : https://youtu.be/mw0v-7CfLvc they are hilarious.
    Adamsofeve Adamsofeve 26-30, M 1 Response Jul 9

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    I decided to try out this new doctor

    and come to find out all he wanted to do was suck my blood. I strongly advise against anyone going to see Dr. Acula.
    Bumblelion Bumblelion 31-35, M 2 Responses Jul 17

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    How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

    ???.............Look for the fresh prints.
    Bumblelion Bumblelion 31-35, M 2 days ago

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    I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.

    it's just something I could really see myself doing
    jbm1984 jbm1984 31-35, F 6 Responses May 27

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    A guy driving his car runs a red light

    when a police officer stops him. you ran that red light ! yes i did. you didn't see it ? i saw it. so why did you do it ? i saw the red light but i didn't see YOU.
    Mindlha Mindlha 22-25, M 3 Responses May 19

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    Well-known mob hitman Johnny Two-Shoes admitted

    that he was once hired to kill a cow in a rice field using only two small porcelain figurines. Police reports indicate that this is the only known incident of a Knick-Knack Paddy Whack.
    Bumblelion Bumblelion 31-35, M 1 Response 6 days ago

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    So this guy at a part says to his mate well i

    know I'm defiantly a stud cos just last night my wife said i had a massive ***** at that point his wife pips up and say no darling last night i said you are a massive ***** knot you have a massive *****
    BrynDavid BrynDavid 31-35, M Jul 11

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    2 people with dyslexia run into a bank

    and yell: air in the hand, mother stickers, this is a **** up!
    Bflyboo14 Bflyboo14 13-15, F 3 Responses Jun 20

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    Going to to McDonald's

    for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
    JackH19 JackH19 18-21, M 1 Response Jan 26

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    THIS IS A REALLY GOOD ONE OK.

    How does Hitler tie his shoelaces? With little Nazis!
    TheGnomeKing TheGnomeKing 16-17, M 2 Responses Jul 13

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    Dyslexic guy robbing a bank :"Air in the hands,

    mother stickers!" "This is a **** up!"
    Fairydust1986 Fairydust1986 26-30, F 5 Responses Jul 16