I Love Stupid Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 17,071 People

    Someone gave me a cheesgrater once

    and being blind it was the most violent book i ever read :O
    GonnaRockYourWorld GonnaRockYourWorld
    36-40, M
    2 Responses Mar 26

    I have a self deprecating sense of humor,

    but I'm not very good at it
    C00LDaddy C00LDaddy
    41-45, M
    2 Responses Feb 12
    DiamondAuthority DiamondAuthority
    18-21, F
    10 Responses Mar 3
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    6 Responses Apr 23, 2015

    A chemistry lab is like a big party ~ some drop

    acid, others drop the base. LOLz!
    EmSiren EmSiren
    26-30, F
    Jan 6

    Aren't little kids the sweetest things?

    They're probably been cursing like a sailor while at school.
    Cutiepeachpie Cutiepeachpie
    22-25, F
    1 Response Mar 5
    earthandstars earthandstars
    41-45, F
    4 Responses Feb 9

    *Mother feeding 2 year old.

    * 2 year old spits food on the floor. Mother, "We don't spit, if it's in our mouth we swallow." Father, "Oh?" Mother, "you hush."
    Spidey0 Spidey0
    31-35, M
    Feb 24

    A man went to the zoo.

    And there were no animals except one dog. It was a shitzu :)
    DiamondAuthority DiamondAuthority
    18-21, F
    2 Responses Jul 22, 2015

    George Washington: we should put 'we trust in

    God' on our money Thomas Jefferson: great idea. Did you get that? Yoda: (taking notes) yep
    AReadingWriter AReadingWriter
    13-15, F
    4 Responses Mar 11

    The stupid simple ones the better.

    That's me stupidly simple
    junedrops junedrops
    26-30, F
    4 Responses Apr 9

    On the outskirts of a small town,

    there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down...
    hancockian hancockian
    66-70, M
    2 Responses Sep 6, 2015

    A man and a woman are making raunchy love one

    evening when their 12 year old son walks in. They are embarrassed, but can't help laughing at the boy's horrified reaction as he bolts from the room. The father says with a sheepish grin, "well, I better go talk to him," and goes to the boy's room. But the boy isn't there...
    Woody6 Woody6
    41-45, M
    4 Responses Mar 22

    Guy: Can I buy you a drink?

    Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs. Guy: Do they swell? Girl: No. They spread.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    3 Responses Jan 25

    Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?

    Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
    Cleopatra05 Cleopatra05
    18-21, F
    7 Responses Feb 6

    Three men are interviewing

    for a job with the CIA. One is a newlywed, one has been married for six years and the third for fifteen. The last part of the interview is a loyalty test. The newlywed is given a gun, and told that they've discovered his new bride is a foreign spy and is sitting in the next...
    Woody6 Woody6
    41-45, M
    1 Response Feb 16

    As an airplane is about to crash,

    a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says...
    cmyk323 cmyk323
    36-40, F
    7 Responses Aug 25, 2015
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Feb 8

    Daughter: Mom I am pregnant.

    Mom: But I told you to say don't when a boy touches your b-oobs and say stop when he touches your va-gi-na. Daughter: But he kept touching both, so it came out don't stop, don't stop, don't stop, don't stop....
    nightstar123 nightstar123
    26-30, F
    3 Responses Jun 29, 2015

    One bright, beautiful Sunday morning,

    everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Feb 15

    A man and a woman died

    before their wedding seremony. In heaven St. Peter greeted them and asked them if everything was to their satisfaction. They told him yes, but that they would like to see a priest to get married. Then he told them "That will be difficult. Here are no priests"
    DexieAnderson DexieAnderson
    16-17, M
    1 Response Mar 22

    A man got pulled over

    for speeding .. The officer approached the car and said " sir if you can give me one good reason why you were speeding I'll let you go ... The man thought a second and then said " a few years ago my wife ran off with a state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back...
    roxy20122929292 roxy20122929292
    22-25, F
    3 Responses May 19, 2015

    Tea is dangerous than whisky.

    Please avoid drinking tea. I discovered it yesterday night, I had 6 pints of beer at the pub while my wife was having tea at home. You should have seen how violent and angry she was when I went home and i was absolutely Cool ????????
    lovelyguy143333 lovelyguy143333
    26-30, M
    Feb 29

    Trampolines used to be called jumpolines

    until your mom jumped on one in 1972
    C00LDaddy C00LDaddy
    41-45, M
    1 Response Feb 11

    An atom walks into a bar.

    the bartender asks "why so sad?". The atom says "I lost an electron...", the bartender then asks "are you sure?", to which the atom replies "I'm positive!" LOL
    EmSiren EmSiren
    26-30, F
    3 Responses Dec 31, 2015

    Make like an exorcist

    and get the hell outta here.
    IntenseCookie IntenseCookie
    18-21, F
    1 Response Apr 3

    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

    Ahhhhhh that gets me every time Lmfao
    Cleopatra05 Cleopatra05
    18-21, F
    3 Responses Jan 1
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    9 Responses Apr 10, 2015

    Two men are out one morning,

    walking their dogs. One has a German Shepherd and the other has a Scotch Terrier.As they move along, the one says to the other,'What do you say we stop down at that Coffee Shop on the corner and get a cup of coffee." The other says,"I would but they don't allow dogs in the shop...
    johnny253 johnny253
    70+, M
    Apr 17

    A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a

    deep coma. Six months later, she awakens and asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor says, "You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. Luckily, their new uncle named them for you." The woman says, "Oh, no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl...
    Boulier Boulier
    18-21, F
    2 Responses Feb 17

    How can you tell if an Audi is stolen?

    They use their turn signals.
    CaffeineJunky CaffeineJunky
    18-21, F
    Feb 15

    On their first night together,

    a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he...
    cmyk323 cmyk323
    36-40, F
    13 Responses Aug 25, 2015

    I was in church and the preast was giving a

    sermon about alcohol how bad it is for you .and to prove it he put a worm in a glass of water and one in to a glass of whiskey after a while he held up the two glasses and said look the worm in the water is still alive and the worm in the whiskey is dead what dose that prove...
    robo57 robo57
    56-60, M
    3 Responses Dec 6, 2014

    If you ever feel stupid,

    remember that one time my twin brother forgot my birthday.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    2 Responses Apr 23, 2015

    A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX

    with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Feb 24

    A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook

    for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what mummy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it! Its an *******!"
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    5 Responses Aug 11, 2015

    Whenever you're feeling sad,

    remember: somewhere some idiot is trying to push a door that's says pull.
    MommysGotTats420 MommysGotTats420
    26-30, F
    1 Response Feb 19, 2015

    I would rather cuddle then have sex.

    if you're good with grammar, you'll get it.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Apr 23, 2015
    DiamondAuthority DiamondAuthority
    18-21, F
    5 Responses Apr 13

    This is true and sad from satans beatitudes

    Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians in Church ~ they are my best workers. Blessed are those who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked ~ I can use them in my business...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Feb 15
    Sazzio Sazzio
    26-30, M
    2 Responses Mar 27

    Boy : Mom, did you see me

    before I was born. Mom: No, why did you ask ? Boy : Then, how do you know I was you son?
    Adamsofeve Adamsofeve
    26-30, M
    Feb 9

    Tell me a stupid joke haha

    and I'll prob not laugh
    KimmyCuddles KimmyCuddles
    13-15, F
    1 Response Mar 13

    Why did the hipster have a burnt tongue?

    He had to drink his coffee before it was cool
    CaffeineJunky CaffeineJunky
    18-21, F
    4 Responses Feb 3
    Cynthia1976 Cynthia1976
    36-40, F
    7 Responses Apr 6, 2015

    So some guy asked me what my favorite position

    in bed was So I told him near the wall so I can still use my phone while it's charging. Oh how sexy
    Cleopatra05 Cleopatra05
    18-21, F
    5 Responses Jan 26

    How does a train eat?

    ..... ..... ..... It chew chews omg bye
    ragd0ll ragd0ll
    18-21, F
    5 Responses Dec 9, 2015

    Today's youth are getting worse.

    I was in a church yesterday, when I saw a guy lighting a cigarette from the candle. I was so shocked, that I dropped my beer bottle.
    moose73630 moose73630
    18-21, M
    5 Responses Jan 10
    AReadingWriter AReadingWriter
    13-15, F
    2 Responses Mar 11

    First women on the moon: Women: Houston,

    we have a problem. Houston: what? Women: never mind Houston: what's the problem? Women: nothing Houston:please tell us Women: I'm fine
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    5 Responses Sep 30, 2015

    My girlfriend asked me

    for time and space. I think she wants to calculate velocity. xD
    robzalacain robzalacain
    26-30, M
    4 Responses Dec 4, 2015

    What my girlfriend thought,

    first 4 dates: 1. Nice shirt. 2. Wow,a second nice shirt. 3. Okay, first shirt again. 4. He has two shirts.
    omarrochet omarrochet
    18-21, M
    1 Response Mar 7, 2015
    PinksTheNewBlack PinksTheNewBlack
    16-17, F
    6 Responses Aug 12, 2015

    My grandfather died in a concentration camp,

    he fell out of the guard tower.
    moose73630 moose73630
    18-21, M
    3 Responses Feb 12

    Try this trick guys. It really works.

    .....1) Take your mother's age....... 2) Don't add anything...... 3) Don't subtract anything. ......That's your mother's age.
    samanthasince samanthasince
    16-17, F
    2 Responses Apr 14

    Sgt Major: I didn't see you at camouflage

    practice this morning Jones! Jones: I'm glad to hear it SIR
    CaffeineJunky CaffeineJunky
    18-21, F
    2 Responses Feb 24

    Two muffins are in an oven.

    One turns to the other and says "Holy crap it's hot in here!" Then the other muffin says "oh crap it's a talking muffin!"
    Blueranger1983 Blueranger1983
    26-30
    1 Response Mar 21

    Men say that women should come with instruction,

    what's the point of that? Have you actually seen a man read the instructions anyways?..
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    2 Responses Apr 23, 2015
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