he sees $10 and a note in his mouth,
reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways,
and trot across the road to a...
A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman; Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop; Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.
Older Woman; Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop; Can I see your license please?
Older Woman; Well, I'd give it to you but I don't have one...
and says, “Honey, I have been
asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends
for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good
opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so
could you please pack enough clothes for a 3-day...
The world is just getting too complex for me.
They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store.
You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden
"Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.
I bought some of...
TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING, BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP
I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS, I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.
THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED - THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE
BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION WITH ALL MY MIGHT
TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION
THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK...
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the
Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body
Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate
Some of her own skin. However, the only skin...
Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together. Shrek said, "I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure?
Angelina Jolie agreed, 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.'
For centuries Hindu women have worn a dot (Tikka) on their foreheads.
Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or
religion, but the Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently
revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she...
and he said, “PAPERS”, and I said, “SCISSORS- I WIN!!” Then he made me get out of my truck, and do a bunch of tests. Sore loser!!
Lol, I sent this to a bunch of friends, and a good number of them thought I really did this. Apparently I’ve got a bit of a...
Stan as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of Stan”s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change Stan”s attitude by consistently saying only polite words,
playing soft music and...
A state trooper pulls a lady over. He walks up to the car, opening his ticket book. The lady says, " I guess you are going to sell me a ticket to the Troopers Ball?" The Trooper responds "Troopers don't have balls!" At that, he closes his book, tips his hat to the lady and...
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she ******** from the...
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while
they got to know each other so well,
they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom,
the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
The groom broom was...
I love this joke....
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and...
limousine when he saw two men
along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly...
On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were
listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We
are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can...
Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have...
Only cuz it's my every days mans worst nightmare and u guys who are getting this all I can say is "GO FK UR SELF" lmao meaning it cuz I'm jealous, now here it comes
We go in and sit and the Dr comes in and says hi ect so we are talking about our atv's and do a lot of kayaking...
'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a...
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold,
I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you...
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that...
CURTAIN RODS ---- PRICELESS !!
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at 'their' beautiful
dining room table...
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked,
so they entered, and found the...
A man was walking down the street and he noticed a sign on a garden gate, it read `Talking Dog For Sale`. Well, he was intrigued and looked over the gate; there was a Golden Labrador sitting just inside. `Are you the talking dog?` he asked; `Yep, thats me` replied the dog. The...
to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball,
a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford...
I think we have all met this lady at one time or another.
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist
who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk,
he noticed that the...
from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' and toward the end of the programme had already won 500,000 pounds. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds, you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend...
AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN,
WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM
AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID.
I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY...
A middle aged guy in Dublin was starting on his first day in a new job as a taxi driver.
he picked up his first fare in O'Connell Street in the city centre:
'Donnybrook' came the reply. "I'll tell you where to let me out'
So off they went, and as the...
A rude lawyer boarded an airplane
in San Francisco with a box of frozen crabs
and asked a blonde flight attendant
to take care of them for Him.
She took the box and promised to put it
in the crew's refrigerator for safe keeping.
He advised her that he was holding her...
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around...
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a desert
island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out
even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft...
At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages.
What do you do with the end of the...
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
Q5. What is the main reason for...
who nagged him unmercifully.
'til night she was always complaining about something.
The only time he got
any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule.
He plowed a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch
in the field.
After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to K-Mart. Unfortunately Mr.Fenton was like most men-- he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, Mrs.Fenton was like most women--she loved to...
When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "St rip down, facing me."
Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this running amok security nonsense, I did just as she had instructed.
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks...
Lawyers should never ask a Mississipi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones...
on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus..
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her...
The following is an exchange of correspondence between
a customer and the Irish Railway Company.
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years,
and the service on your line seems to be getting worse
every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle...
(I am tutoring a group of fourth and fifth graders. I’m female.)
Me: “Okay, guys. Just to let you know, I will not be here on Friday. I am taking the day off.”
Student #1: “What? You’d rather be somewhere else than here with us?”
Me: “Well, if you must know… it...
I passed by a retirement village.
On the front lawn there were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way.
On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same
six old ladies lying naked on the lawn...
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush...
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room.
Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks
, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what...
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother- of-the-bride ever!
But - a week later - Jennifer was...
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what:
everything she touched
Because of this, men were afraid of her...