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I Love This Joke

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 295 People

    Grocery Shopping.

    When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "St rip down, facing me." Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this running amok security nonsense, I did just as she had instructed. After the shrieking and hysterical remarks...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F 3 Responses Apr 23, 2013

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    A blonde who had been unemployed

    for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    Subject: Crabs - Priceless

    A rude lawyer boarded an airplane in San Francisco with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for Him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator for safe keeping. He advised her that he was holding her...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F 4 Responses May 20, 2013

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    Tax Man

    At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F 3 Responses Mar 27, 2013

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    A Good Laugh For People In The Over 60 Group!

    The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F 9 Responses Nov 27, 2013

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    Three Ladies in a Sauna THREE WOMEN,

    TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F 1 Response Nov 14, 2014

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    THE DOT Finally someone has cleared this

    mystery up... For centuries Hindu women have worn a dot (Tikka) on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently revealed the true story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she...
    perseverer perseverer 51-55, F 1 Response May 22, 2014

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    Talking Dog!!

    A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money. He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F 2 Responses Aug 24, 2012

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    A guy stuck his head into a barbershop

    and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around...
    waterdale waterdale 46-50, M 3 Responses Sep 10, 2014

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    zydeko zydeko 18-21 Mar 22

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    The Devil Made Me Do It..

    Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what: metal, wood, stone, everything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F 10 Responses Dec 9, 2009

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    Men

    An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she ******** from the...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F 4 Responses Jan 21, 2013

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    I love this little piggy

    for the group picture! :O it's adorably funny :)
    wedgieshurtalot wedgieshurtalot 16-17, F Feb 8

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    Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to

    catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two...
    zydeko zydeko 18-21 May 2

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    A woman walks into a psychiatrists office

    and says "Doc. You gotta help me!" "Whatever is the problem Mrs. Jones?" "My family think I'm crazy! Just because I like the occasional doughnut!" "Well that's ridiculous!" Says the shrink. "I personally enjoy the occasional doughnut with my mid morning coffee! Go home my dear...
    picklebobble picklebobble 46-50, M Feb 8

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    Cuddles... the Poodle

    A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F 4 Responses Aug 21, 2009

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    Mother of the Bride.....

    Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother- of-the-bride ever! But - a week later - Jennifer was...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F 4 Responses Aug 18, 2009

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    Bob’s Wedding Robert ,

    85, married a lovely 25 year old . Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding they should have separate bedrooms because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F Nov 30, 2014

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    STRONG,SEXIEST, Gorgeous?

    Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together. Shrek said, "I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the world, but how can I be sure? Angelina Jolie agreed, 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but sometimes I wonder.' Brad Pitt...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F 15 Responses Jul 10, 2009

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    The Oldest Profession A doctor,

    an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they went all the way back to the Garden of Eden. The doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 22, 2014

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    Hehe

    CURTAIN RODS ---- PRICELESS !! She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at 'their' beautiful dining room table...
    purplepaws purplepaws 31-35, F 14 Responses Jul 8, 2009

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    New Job

    A middle aged guy in Dublin was starting on his first day in a new job as a taxi driver. he picked up his first fare in O'Connell Street in the city centre: 'Where to?' 'Donnybrook' came the reply. "I'll tell you where to let me out' So off they went, and as the...
    RoseViolet RoseViolet 46-50, F 4 Responses Sep 26, 2009

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    Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in

    London . Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair". Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F 1 Response Feb 24

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    A young man named John received a parrot named

    Stan as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of Stan”s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change Stan”s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F 2 Responses Oct 14, 2014

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    "A touching moment".

    .. This letter was sent to the Broken Hill High School Principal's office in Broken Hill, outback Australia after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F Feb 7

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    An Irish Blonde

    On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F 3 Responses Jun 24, 2013

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    Irish Fire Insurance A man

    and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year! When they arrived in Cork , they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg. The agent looked it up on...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F Feb 23

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    Foreplay.... My Idea of Foreplay is her

    screaming "Screw you" and I reply back, "Bite me" -Walter.
    BroknGirl89 BroknGirl89 26-30, F Jul 4

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    The Irish Millionaire Mick,

    from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' and toward the end of the programme had already won 500,000 pounds. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds, you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend...
    waterdale waterdale 46-50, M Sep 24, 2014

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    Two Ladies Talking In Heaven

    1st woman: Hi! Wanda. 2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die? 1st woman: I froze to death. 2nd woman: How horrible! 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F 4 Responses Apr 22, 2010

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    When Grandma Goes to Court.

      Lawyers should never ask a Mississipi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F 16 Responses Sep 1, 2009

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    The Buttocks

    A married couple was in a terrible accident where the Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate Some of her own skin. However, the only skin...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F 7 Responses Dec 4, 2009

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    A little girl asks her mum,

    'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.' 'What does that mean?' asked the child. 'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F Apr 3, 2014

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    As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get

    on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F 3 Responses Sep 5, 2014

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    No One Believes Seniors . . . Everyone Thinks They Are Senile.

    An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F 14 Responses Dec 27, 2009

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    An old hillbilly farmer had a wife

    who nagged him unmercifully. From morning 'til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He plowed a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F May 23, 2014

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    Great Comeback......snotty Receptionist

    I think we have all met this lady at one time or another. An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F 3 Responses Apr 8, 2013

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    A man calls home to his wife

    and says, “Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3-day...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F 1 Response Aug 19, 2014

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    As told to me by a Buddhist.

    "Buddha goes to New York to see the sites. He gets hungry during his walk around the city; sees a hot dog stand and approaches to place his order. The vendor says what'll it be today? He says "make me one with everything" :)
    elephantwalk elephantwalk 31-35, F 2 Responses Apr 19

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    The Talking Dog...

    A man was walking down the street and he noticed a sign on a garden gate, it read `Talking Dog For Sale`. Well, he was intrigued and looked over the gate; there was a Golden Labrador sitting just inside. `Are you the talking dog?` he asked; `Yep, thats me` replied the dog. The...
    oddjob007 oddjob007 61-65, M 3 Responses Apr 2, 2012

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    Twas The Night Of Thanksgiving

    TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING, BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS, I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP. *** THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED - THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION WITH ALL MY MIGHT *** TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK...
    Manwithabigsmile Manwithabigsmile 56-60, M 5 Responses Nov 19, 2012

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    HOW IS NORMA? .......

    ... A sweet sounding grandmother telephones St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?" The...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F Feb 7

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    Are You A Doctor?: A father walks into a

    bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, and goes blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts to panic, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F 1 Response Nov 30, 2014

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    A bear and a rabbit are taking a **** in the

    woods. The bear looked at the rabbit and said "Excuse me. Do you have problems with **** sticking to your fur?" The rabbit said "no". So the bear wiped his *** with the rabbit - Eddie Murphy
    MorningHair MorningHair 18-21, M Jan 7

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    I got pulled over by a cop today,

    and he said, “PAPERS”, and I said, “SCISSORS- I WIN!!” Then he made me get out of my truck, and do a bunch of tests. Sore loser!! Lol, I sent this to a bunch of friends, and a good number of them thought I really did this. Apparently I’ve got a bit of a...
    lifeisatest lifeisatest 22-25, M Aug 20, 2014

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    The Sharing of Marriage...

    I love this joke.... The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and...
    sharossody sharossody 66-70, F 8 Responses