A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that...
TWAS THE NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING, BUT I JUST COULDN'T SLEEP
I TRIED COUNTING BACKWARDS, I TRIED COUNTING SHEEP.
THE LEFTOVERS BECKONED - THE DARK MEAT AND WHITE
BUT I FOUGHT THE TEMPTATION WITH ALL MY MIGHT
TOSSING AND TURNING WITH ANTICIPATION
THE THOUGHT OF A SNACK...
CURTAIN RODS ---- PRICELESS !!
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at 'their' beautiful
dining room table...
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighbourhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked,
so they entered, and found the...
catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two...
At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages.
What do you do with the end of the...
from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire' and toward the end of the programme had already won 500,000 pounds. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds, you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend...
A middle aged guy in Dublin was starting on his first day in a new job as a taxi driver.
he picked up his first fare in O'Connell Street in the city centre:
'Donnybrook' came the reply. "I'll tell you where to let me out'
So off they went, and as the...
For centuries Hindu women have worn a dot (Tikka) on their foreheads.
Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or
religion, but the Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently
revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she...
Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair".
Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those
and when we get back to...
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while
they got to know each other so well,
they decided to get married.
One broom was, of course, the bride broom,
the other the groom broom.
The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.
The groom broom was...
A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman; Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop; Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.
Older Woman; Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop; Can I see your license please?
Older Woman; Well, I'd give it to you but I don't have one...
bookstore with his young son.
The boy is holding a
quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, and goes
blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter
and starts to panic,
shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman,
AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN,
WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND.
THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM
AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID.
I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY...
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what:
everything she touched
Because of this, men were afraid of her...
and says "Doc. You gotta help me!"
"Whatever is the problem Mrs. Jones?"
"My family think I'm crazy! Just because I like the occasional doughnut!"
"Well that's ridiculous!" Says the shrink. "I personally enjoy the occasional doughnut with my mid morning coffee! Go home my dear...
I love this joke....
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and...
When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "St rip down, facing me."
Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this running amok security nonsense, I did just as she had instructed.
After the shrieking and hysterical remarks...
to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball,
a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford...
Stan as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of Stan”s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change Stan”s attitude by consistently saying only polite words,
playing soft music and...
limousine when he saw two men
along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
and he said, “PAPERS”, and I said, “SCISSORS- I WIN!!” Then he made me get out of my truck, and do a bunch of tests. Sore loser!!
Lol, I sent this to a bunch of friends, and a good number of them thought I really did this. Apparently I’ve got a bit of a...
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around...
On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were
listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We
are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can...
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother- of-the-bride ever!
But - a week later - Jennifer was...
This letter was sent to the Broken Hill
High School Principal's office in Broken Hill, outback Australia
after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly
lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and
was writing to say thank you...
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she ******** from the...
and his wife moved back home to Cork , from London.
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was
£2000.00 a year!
When they arrived in Cork , they went to an Insurance agency
to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on...
on, she became
aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus..
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her...
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush...
A sweet sounding grandmother telephones St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked,
"Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the
Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body
Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate
Some of her own skin. However, the only skin...
"Buddha goes to New York to see the sites. He gets hungry during his walk around the city; sees a hot dog stand and approaches to place his order. The vendor says what'll it be today?
He says "make me one with everything"
I think we have all met this lady at one time or another.
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist
who shared offices with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist's desk,
he noticed that the...
A rude lawyer boarded an airplane
in San Francisco with a box of frozen crabs
and asked a blonde flight attendant
to take care of them for Him.
She took the box and promised to put it
in the crew's refrigerator for safe keeping.
He advised her that he was holding her...
he sees $10 and a note in his mouth,
reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways,
and trot across the road to a...
'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'
Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'
'What does that mean?' asked the child.
'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a...
A man was walking down the street and he noticed a sign on a garden gate, it read `Talking Dog For Sale`. Well, he was intrigued and looked over the gate; there was a Golden Labrador sitting just inside. `Are you the talking dog?` he asked; `Yep, thats me` replied the dog. The...
an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession was the oldest.
In the course of their arguments, they went all the way back to the Garden of Eden. The doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as...
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold,
I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you...
and says, “Honey, I have been
asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends
for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good
opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so
could you please pack enough clothes for a 3-day...