When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
CNN was originally created...
FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of "those" arguments.
FIVE MINUTES: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five...
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence...
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
Woman: I can make the boss give me the day off.
Man: And how would you do that?
Woman: “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
Boss comes in: What are you doing?
Woman: I’m a light bulb.
Boss: You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone...
-Blonde #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
Blonde #2: "No, who wrote it?"
-When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
-Me: “Thank you for calling cardholder service, how...
I have been told by a very hot man that my giggle is adorable and that he looks forward to hearing it each time we talk. I giggle a lot with all my friends, but I am usually not aware of it until they point out how different my giggle is from most persons. Not sure...
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number
4. Take cash, card and receipt
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
A crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus...
Girl: Do u love me more than ur family?
Boy: OK, listen to this,
"When i started to walk, I fell, u were not there to pick me up. but my mom was.
When i went outside, u were not there to hold my finger but my dad was.
When i cried, u didn't give me u'r toys...
What women want in a man at age 25:
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
What women want in...
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and...
1. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
2. Life is sexually transmitted.
3. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
4. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him
5. Give a...
Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break...
Historically, sweat has been an active ingredient in perfume and love potions.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
The average office worker spends 50 minutes a day looking for lost files and...
Element Name: WOMAN
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if mishandled.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses...