department to report
that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not...
into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed...
a certain private school in Chicago, IL was faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12th-grade girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. Applying and wearing the lipstick was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips...
for the dogs. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog. "I'm starting the dog food diet again. I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital...
front yard when the
boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.
"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends. For
stomping him you will do without honey for a week."
Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped it.
"That was a butterfly...
after a very tough day trying to get a
Stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was
Feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting...
I asked him how he ended up this way.
He said: Up until This Last week, I still had it all !!!
A cook, cooked my meals, my room was cleaned, my
clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head,
I had TV, Internet, I went to the gym, the pool...
snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the...
missus bought a paperback
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag. . . .
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey"
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared,
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope,
And in her right...
When God created
Adam and Eve, He said:
I only have two gifts:
One is the art of peeing standing ...
And then Adam stepped forward and shouted:
ME!, ME!, ME!,
I would love it please ... Lord, please, please!
Look, it will make my life substantially easier.
Eve nodded, and...
down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, ‘What’s your hurry?’
To which she...
WHY ENGLISH TEACHERS RETIRE EARLY
The following similes and metaphors were committed by high school students.
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head...
maybe it's because when I was a kid I was miserable all the time I like to laugh at everything. I hate it sometimes people mistaken it for flirting but really I'm just laughing at it. Life is just too short to be miserable.
Then This Happens
A lady goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She is not sure which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart clerk standing there with dark shades on.
She says, “Excuse me sir…can you tell me anything about...
So The Man Behind Her Decided To Do THIS
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she...
password in to their new computer they would both remember. The husband said I have got it & typed in "MYPENIS" Immeadietly his wife fell to the floor gasping and thrashing about in laughter. Dumbfounded the husban looked back upon the computer screen to see this caption...
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
O Connell Street in Limerick City. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, So she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, The man burst out laughing, She...