department to report
that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not...
"I'm divorcing Nathan.
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece,
when it used to be the size of a 5-cent piece."
Her mother says …..
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman!
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion!
You drive a $25...
that requires a bit of knowledge of recent/common history of science:
Heisenberg, Schrodinger and Ohm are in a car.
They get pulled over.
Heisenberg was driving, so the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg...
light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck...
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
WHY ENGLISH TEACHERS RETIRE EARLY
The following similes and metaphors were committed by high school students.
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head...
question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr...
employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialled the employee’s cell phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.
“Is your daddy home?” he asked.
“Yes,” whispered the small voice...
Then This Happens
A lady goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She is not sure which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart clerk standing there with dark shades on.
She says, “Excuse me sir…can you tell me anything about...
didn't have many
She sat in a chair
when her teeth were there
And bit herself right in the fanny!
Annie had a husband named Fred
Who wasn't too right in the head
He tried to look glum
when she hurt her bum
But ended up laughing instead
Annie then did hear Fred laugh
snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the...
down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, ‘What’s your hurry?’
To which she...
forever. What's funny is I didn't do anything spectacular or out of the ordinary...I guess it was just two people I was talking to that really made me smile and laugh. One of them is my friend from EP and the other my friend's dad (who is like a father figure for me). My cheeks...
morning to find Marie packing her bags. "Where the heck are you going?" demanded Boudreaux.
Marie replied, "You know all this free sex I've been giving you all these years? Well I just found out I can get $200 a shot for it out in Las Vegas."
With that Boudreaux jumped out...
for the dogs. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog. "I'm starting the dog food diet again. I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital...
When God created
Adam and Eve, He said:
I only have two gifts:
One is the art of peeing standing ...
And then Adam stepped forward and shouted:
ME!, ME!, ME!,
I would love it please ... Lord, please, please!
Look, it will make my life substantially easier.
Eve nodded, and...
So The Man Behind Her Decided To Do THIS
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she...
a certain private school in Chicago, IL was faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12th-grade girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. Applying and wearing the lipstick was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips...
What He Does Next Is Genius
A young man named Dan bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dan’s house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’
O Connell Street in Limerick City. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, So she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, The man burst out laughing, She...
Vikramjit Singh -The Times of India-his piece is not about Shakti Kapoor. My muses tend to be way classier. Like RazaMurad.
In the 28 years of my life, I've gone from being a baby to a toddler to a boy to a man who wonders why the `h' is silent in `honest'. I've gone...
into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed...