and she's a fanatical FOX News watcher...it's all that is on our television whenever she comes to visit. This time I took a stand. It was priceless watching her keep trying to view the channel and a dumb look on her face trying to understand why FOX News would be "restricted...
When God created
Adam and Eve, He said:
I only have two gifts:
One is the art of peeing standing ...
And then Adam stepped forward and shouted:
ME!, ME!, ME!,
I would love it please ... Lord, please, please!
Look, it will make my life substantially easier.
Eve nodded, and...
for the dogs. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog. "I'm starting the dog food diet again. I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital...
dead crows along a stretch of the A90 in Aberdeenshire sparked considerable alarm after someone mentioned "bird flu." A specialist team was despatched and the road was temporarily closed whilst they collected some 200 crow carcasses and took them for autopsy in Aberdeen. A top...
and questions make me to remember the craziest jokes. Well I know I should take people serious, there are all kind of conditions and people are here for support. But sometimes I can't help myself. I mean common all those urinating around your boobs pictures asking and nuts...
As he sits on the couch he notices a small bowl of peanuts
on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all," the woman replies and pushes the bowl
They chat for an hour and as the preacher stands to leave,
he realises instead of...
light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck...
Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a
bit lonely. I thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised
in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." I looked through the
phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling...
And was trying to get laid without much success.
"I don't date servicemen," she said, "but I am
Curious as to why you sailors have those two rows
Of buttons on your pants."
"Why, that's because we have two dicks," the sailor replied.
"Interesting. And probably twice as much...
a certain private school in Chicago, IL was faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12th-grade girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. Applying and wearing the lipstick was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips...
WHY ENGLISH TEACHERS RETIRE EARLY
The following similes and metaphors were committed by high school students.
1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head...
He goes off to work the next day without talking to
her but she doesn't care. She is busy doing her thing
around the house. All of the sudden, around 1:00 in
the afternoon, the doorbell rings. She goes to the
door and opens it and there is a young delivery guy
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
So The Man Behind Her Decided To Do THIS
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she...
Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.
Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You've gotta be kiddin' me."
missus bought a paperback
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag. . . .
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey"
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared,
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope,
And in her right...
"I'm divorcing Nathan.
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece,
when it used to be the size of a 5-cent piece."
Her mother says …..
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman!
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion!
You drive a $25...
As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my...
into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed...
When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so...
O Connell Street in Limerick City. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, So she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, The man burst out laughing, She...
department to report
that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not...
"Hello" said the barman, "I haven't seen you in ages! How are you?"
"Fine. I be be fine. Thankee" replied the pirate.
The barman regarded him carefully. "Are you sure? What's happened to your leg?"
"Chain shot" answered the pirate. "Took my leg clean off just below the knee, but...
down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, ‘What’s your hurry?’
To which she...