I Miss My Mother - Forum & Chat Board | I really miss my mom

My mother, who passed away on 7-3-97, was ( and still is) my best friend, my confidante, my universe, my light, my everything. When she passed, a part of me died along with her, and I can not seem to get over the guilt I feel that I am still here and she's gone. The day before she died, I begged the doctors to kill me and to take whatever she needed so that she could live, I wanted to give up my life for her, but the doctors said that it wouldn't matter she would still die anyway.  I still dream about that day, I can still vividly see her in that hospital bed with the I.V's, the oxygen mask, the color of her skin ( which was like a dark tan, sortof like if she stayed in the sun and became really tan, she had olive skin to begin with), her eyes that were a bright blue, even though she had hazel green eyes, the bruises from head to toe, and how terribly skinny she was. I still see myself giving her a panda bear ( I wasn't thinking too clearly that day, she wanted to sooo bad to go to Australia before she died, and I forgot that panda bears come from Japan and Koala's came from Australia) and telling her if she ever became afraid to hold this bear and know how much I love her ( she died holding the bear). My sister threatening me that if I got " her mother" upset she was going to kick my *** ( I do not talk to her anymore). I still remember her smell ( I dreamt of her death 3 weeks prior to this and it all happened just the way I dreamt it would happen-- except for I wasn't there when she went) and what she said to me after I bought the bear and me starting to cry and her saying ," finally, you're letting them flow. See, it's not so bad crying in front of me." Her telling me lie next to her and her touching my hair, telling me she would not leave me ever. Her and I making plans to watch " Wheel of Fortune" and me telling her that I would let her win some rounds, us laughing at that. Then hospice asking me to go with them so my sister can give our mother the news she was dying ( she, my sister, made the nurses, the doctors, and hospice know that she was the only one who truly loved our mother and I was there for attention) and demanded I leave while she done this, even though I wanted to be there. Feeling angry because my sister was being a b*tch to me and our mom knowing this, but didn't want to tell my sister to back off from me. My sister and my mom's sister, Pat, forcing my mom to sign the power of attorney ( which was supposed to include my name, but Pat insisting her name was to be put there since it was her sister that was dying---she didn't even care that my mother had cancer until the last year of her life). My grandma there trying not to cry, because this will be her 2nd child to go before her ( her eldest son died in 95 and now her youngest daughter) and I was comforting her. My grandmother knew how much I loved my mom and that my cousin Dale ( who was my mom's GodChild) and Pat were there for show. Then my mom's friend, Paul, showing up before I left and me telling him to call me if there were any changes in my mom's condition and him agreeing, because, after all, I let this man into my home, fed him and sharing a drink with him and even let him sleep with my mom, something my sister forbid in her home ( in fact, my sister could not stand him). Telling my mom how much I loved her and then her asking for forgiveness for ignoring me while we were growing up and allowing our uncle to beat  the living crap out of me for something my sister had done and asking my forgiveness for being a horrible mother to me, and me telling her that there was nothing to forgive her for and that she is the best mother a daughter could ever ask for, then me telling her I will call when I got home, which I did ( it was 10:37 p.m.) and I told her how much I loved her and me packing my things to spend a whole month with her ( she was living with my sister at this time) and looking forward to watching t.v with her. Her telling me how much she loved me, then putting Paul on the phone and I re-iterated to him if there was any change to call me, no matter what time it is, him saying sure, no problem. But he never kept his word, when my mother asked for a double dose of morphine because the pain was so bad, he never called. When my mother struggled and fought to stay alive, he never called. He called my sister and everyone who stayed at my sister's was there 3 minutes after my mom passed, which they all were allowed to say good-bye. I got the call at 6:15 a.m. that my mom passed and that my sister informed the hospital that I was not allowed to see " her mother" to say my good-byes. At our mom's wake, she threatened to kick my *** while I was standing 2 feet from our mother's casket, that's when I got the chance to say good-bye. I believed for a long time that my mom went to her grave thinking that I didn't love her and that I didn't care, because my sister made her believe this. I still remember the song that was playing on the radio when I got the call.. " One Sweet Day" by Mariah Carey with Boys to Men. I tried to committ suicide on my mom's 50th birthday ( 10-28-99), well, would have been her 50th. Then again on the 5th anniversary of her death ( 7-3-02). I haven't tried it since, because my mother appeared to me when I took myself off from Morphine ( I have severe chronic pains) and I was dying myself, and when I saw her I asked if she was there to come and take me home with her, I clearly saw her face, as if she were alive and well, she was crying and told me not yet and then she left me.

GOD, I MISS HER!!!!!!!! My husband knows everything and he feels that my mom knows the truth about everything, but I only wish she did. I still would give my life for her and for my husband and I think she didn't cross over yet, because I dream she needs my help. I truly think my sister killed her and it was looked over because of her cancer and she can't cross over because of this. On 6-6-97, my sister asked her for help in rolling up a garden hose and had her stand in the street to make sure it rolled up right and that it didn't get caught on anything, even though she knew that mom couldn't do any type of physical activity because her blood platelets would drop at any given time and that's what happened. I estimated that she was lying in the street for a good 2 minutes before my sister done anything. She hit her head on the curb and the trauma from that and the shock, her body couldn't handle it and that really exploded the cancer to her major organs. Of course, I didn't get the call for several hours after the incident. She knew that I wanted to take mom out for a drink and have a great time, because something inside me told me that this would be the last birthday I had with her, then less than a month later she left me.

Does she know the truth of how much I really love her? Does she know the truth how much I truly care for her? I am crying so hard right now!! Can anyone tell me the answers???

i believe she knows how much you love her. i believe she knew than and she still knows now. she is with you all the time. whenever something good happens and you want to tell her, you still can. and i honestly believe this with all me heart. i love my mother also. it is 3 weeks today since my mother passed. and i know it is the hardest thing. something you never imagine. but i think you have found out you are stronger then you think you are, and I'm sure your mother is proud of you for that.

good luck, and i am so sorry for your loss.

Your story sounds like mine.  I had a dream last week that my Mommy was gonna pass, and she did 5 days ago.  I am in so much pain b/c I miss her.  I want her to be with God in peace with no more pain from cancer.  She left this earth and I saw her leave.  I cannot erase that memory.  She waited for me to come from nashville to ohio where she was unresponsive and then after I said my last words to her, she left a few hours later. I don't want her to be lonely.  I am trying to figure how will I go to her services on her birthday Nov. 5.  I need her.  I cannot believe she is gone.  How do you get up in the morning? How do u eat?  I can't.  How do u take care of your husband and child?  I can't.  I'm lost.