I Need to Decide If I'll Stay In My Marriage - Forum & Chat Board | Been "hanging in there" for 2yrs, not sure if its time to go, Thoughts?

Sorry this one might be kind of long.   My last post was back in 2007 and at the time and stated that I was not sure why my wife was pushing away from me and never interested in sex (although she "gave in"  1 or 2 times per month).

Since then I can say that I understand why...seems like good news, kind of is but here is all that's happened since then:

-wife has admitted to Depression, taking Effoxor as antidepressent

-we are seeing a marriage counsellor together

-at counselling my wife told me she is not sexually attracted to me and feels that she never was ( I have done lots of reading on depression and believe that this is not true, but that depression is causing her to remember our past in a more negative light)--I definitely remember in the past having a passionate relationship where my wife would be just as "into" having sex as I was).   Also recently when we do have sex my wife does reach climax and seems to get some enjoyment out of the act itself??)...she is not faking, I asked her to be truthful about this)

 In Counselling, my Wife also stated that she feels that any sign of affection by her (to me) is taken as a sexual advance by me and that makes her not want to even do the little things like cuddle / kiss / general affection

-wife also stated in counselling that she feels Antidepressant meds have had NO effect on her libido and that she still thinks about sex a lot, just not with me.

-counsellor suggested a 2 month period of "no sex / no pressure for intimacy by me"   for my wife's part she was to try to show affection in other areas to at least make me feel some sort of affection from her.  The goal was to make progress towards regaining passion in our lives.  As part of the program I also agreed I'd focus on improving my physical attractiveness as this is something my wife had suggested was part of the issue (she stated I've gained weight / hygene issues).  We would also both try to do "little" things to bring intimacy / passion back slowly.

-we just finished the 60 day period -had some good & Bad things happen

BAD:   I admit to a couple nights where my libido got the better of me, I did not ask for sex or have any intent of having it but admittedly had 1 or 2 "slips" where I got a bit too frisky during the 60 day period.  

GOOD I made plans on several nights to go on dates alone (got babysitteer for our son)..  I spend a lot of time in the Gym, lost 11 pounds (I am now 5ft 11 and 170 pounds) and in good shape, I started using Pro-active (help my skin-much better), whitened my teeth, bought some new clothes and also made an effort to invite friends over for dinners. 

BAD:  my wife seems to have taken the 60 days as more of a "holiday" or "break" from the unwanted task of trying to increase  intimacy.   For her the 60 day period has been "great"  but I am so frustrated because during the 60 day period she made pretty much NO effort to even to the little things like snuggle up to me or say something nice, or talk more to each other about intimacy.... etc...  she said that today she feels pretty much the same way about me as she did 2 months ago.    I was not expecting a miracle change to happen here but feel really cheated that my wife did not make what I feel to be a full effort here.

 

Here is my situation now:  - the 60 days is up, I admit it was very tough to go without sex that long but got through it, we will still go to counselling BUT now I am hoping that we can at least reach some middle ground in terms of what to do about Sex.     My wife's expectation seems to be for me just to keep waiting til she feels passionate again (or IF this will even happen more accurately) Even though I truly wish I was strong enough to do this  I have to be honest... If this happens I will constantly feel bitter and resentful towards my wife.. as well as I really feel isolated and alone without ANY sex at all.

Do you think it is FAIR or REASONABLE for me to try to ask for some type of temporary compromise in the area of sexual intimacy?   In the long run I realize that if my wife's passion for me does not return, that I am not willing to stay in the marriage (even though I do love her, she is a good person, good mom) but no sexual intimacy is not something I can live with in a marriage.   I respect that my wife may not as interested as me ,but I am human and have needs (self pleasure does not fulfill), I  feel weak for even having to ask this question to the board... but when I go to bed every night I am so resentful of my wife that sometimes I have to get up and sleep in the other room just to give myself some space and cool down.    

I feel like we are doing so much right, but I just plain need some sex to keep my feelings of resentment and isolation from taking over (I know this seems childish but is really how I feel)     I don't want pity sex though.

I am a good, understanding, loving, supportive husband & Father in many other ways and really love my wife, that is what is causing me so much pain & resentment.

 Don't know if it is time to walk away to escape the pain or if I'll even be able to realize when this day has come.   2+years of living with a "roomate" instead of a wife is taking its toll on my overall state of being / self confidence and positive attitude.

Thoughts ????

Have you considered a separation?  Not a 60-day break from sex, but a living arrangement with conditions (those the two of you will set together with your counselor) that is apart.

Sometimes, one has to lose something in order to understand something else.

That is an interesting suggestion... Guess I'm curious how that would help my wife actually start to "do" some of the things she said she will to help the situation.

Or is the idea one where the arrangement would be that we would just kind of give each other "space" (mental and physical) and not really try to fix things for a while.. just let them be ?    

Or were you suggesting more of just a living arrangement like sleeping in separate bedrooms, that is already happening on my part, I just can't handle lying there in bed at night HOPING she will show some affection but NEVER getting it...

Thanks for your thoughts !

I am not a doctor but I wonder if her medication is effective for her depression. Have you noticed it being effective? Maybe a different medication would be better for her.

Thanks WeRealized,

My wife's general demeanor has improved, but still very comtemptious to me so I guess I've been thinking it is more of a relationship thing for now.   My wife gets her perscription from her Dr. so I'm not sure what type of conversations she has around whether her current medication is the "right" one.  

Don't know if I should ask her to have a pyschiatrist do a "check up" to see how the medication is doing, ??

Grumpy,

I'm in a very similar situation, so let me say that I applaude you for going to counceling (we're just starting).  Great first step, if things don't continue to improve, I agree with kungfuchic in that a separation may be in order.

Living with a depressed wife is VERY hard to do.  I've been doing it for 8 years now.  We have sex about once every 4-6 months the last few years!  I have stayed in the marriage for the kids, but I'm not deciding it's time to put up or shut up!  One hope in my marriage is that we think my wife actually may have ADHD (my son has it) and has just been undiagnosed her whole life.  We're hoping that this new discovery may lead to some different medications that can help my wife.  Unfortunately, the damage may already been done!

I would continue to put all resources into making it work, but then MOVE ON if it doesn't work!

Best of luck!

Dear Grumpy:  My last suggestion to separate was yes, just that.  One of you moves out of the home, you take some time apart.  Let her feel your absense in her life for a while. In the meantime keep yourself busy, handsome, and healthy.  Set a time frame 30,60,90 days and re-evaluate.

When my husband and I separated, I told him to take time and get well.  I wanted him, wanted to be with him, but would never go back under the same conditions we were in.  In almost 8 months, I don't feel that he has done anything to "work on us".  He has taken a carefree attitude with me now, and it bothers me.  But as long as I live, I will never beg him to love me, I won't beg anyone ever again to love me.

You can't make someone feel something they cant.  It hurts to know sometimes that you are not the focus of anothers life, that they don't think about you all of the time or love you the way you love them, but in the end, somewhere, someone out there will and can.

hi my is tiffany and i have been married for almost two years and i feel the same way that you do. i love him and he loves me but i am not happy and if i am not happy am i soppose to still stay to make him happy?