will work unceasingly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence & you will live 50 years.
You will be a donkey. “The donkey answered: “I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much. Give me only 20 years...
that it's going on in my life. Leave it to a 7 year old to make me laugh and brighten my day. We took our dogs out for a walk (we have 2 Boston terriers female/male) they were doing their thing and all of the sudden my male dog licks the females but, all of the sudden i hear a...
for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a Bud.
Miller's president orders a Millers and the president of Coors orders a Coors.
When it is Guinness turn to order he orders a soda. Why didn't you order a Guinness everyone asks? Nah Guinness replies. If you guys aren't...
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, l have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots.
" "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are pr0stitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed...
stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it; Fifty people swindled!” Fifty people swindled!
Curios, a man walked over, bought a paper, and said, "Hey kid, this is an old paper, where’s the story about the big swindle?”
The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out...
She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly."I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..."
He returns her gaze...
but played many sports. When he got to a different high school, he became bullied partly for his size among other things. He dropped all sports and withdrew socially for the entire first year.
Every morning when I come downstairs, they don't know what to expect. I am jumping...
Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
Samson: "Hair"Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
she will make greater. If you give her *****, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So...
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like...
im always generally a funny person.. i always have funny stories to tell as a lot of weird things constantly seem to lavitate towards me. i cant go a day without something funny happening to me lol
i find laughter to be so therapeutic.. nothing better then a good laugh..
of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says,
"No way, buddy, you're too drunk."
A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time -- you're too drunk"
Five minutes later...
Humor heals in so many ways. It combats fear, as it loosens anxiety’s death grip on your heart and every other living organ. It comforts and relaxes. And recent studies indicate that humor also reduces pain and boosts a person’s immune system.
“Laughter dissolves tension...
I am sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your IBM computer entered our lives two years ago.The children are doing well...
isnt bout avoiding feelings..i think just wanting to feel ok.laughter is one of the best medicines ..when im sad i always try to find something to laugh or try to do something for others to smile.when others laugh is the best gift. :Pand something for above 14+hahaha :D
i feel like im watching that scene in finding nemo, when the crab is out of water, and all the seagalls are chasing it and saying "mine, mine, mine...." this pertaining to when just about any female posts something and all these dudes jump on that post......just sayin lol
was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that...
from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I...
construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength.
He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I...
Heaven is where:
The police are British
The chefs Italiano
The mechanics German
The lovers French
And all organised by the Swiss
Hell is where:
The police German
The chefs British
The mechanics French
The lovers Swiss
And all organised by us Italiano's
A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.
The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing...
lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him.
The blonde was reluctant, so the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. He told her that every time she could not answer his question, she owed him $5, but...
I saw this story in the I love cats Group and it made me laugh so much I had to copy . paste and share it here:
My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the...
Let's brighten everyone's day with a few Chuck Norris sayings.....
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark OFF.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March31 to April2, no-one fools Chuck.
Chuck Norris tells his...
understand a PC.
State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete: Any computer you own.
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought...
that is gay. We went out for dinner and drinks down by the beach. Then made it back to her boat. Now she has had a troubled past with her mother, as well as past relationships with girls. Well anyways I was on her boat we begin to lay down next to each other and I just felt like...
it can give you kidney failure,
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,
When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you.