shop said to the cashier, "Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink flamingos, two of those sunflowers, and one of those bent-over grandmas in bloomers."
The cashier replied, "That'll be eight dollars for the pinwheels, ten for the flamingos, six for the sunflowers...
I looked forward to my aunt’s gift—a scarf, hat, or sweater knitted by hand. One year, she must have had better things to do because I received a ball of yarn, knitting needles, and a how-to-knit book. Her card read "Scarf, some assembly required."
From Reader's Digest.
Humor heals in so many ways. It combats fear, as it loosens anxiety’s death grip on your heart and every other living organ. It comforts and relaxes. And recent studies indicate that humor also reduces pain and boosts a person’s immune system.
“Laughter dissolves tension...
thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
it can give you kidney failure,
When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,
When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
highway at a very slow speed. A policeman pulled them over and explained that driving so slowly on the highway could be hazardous. The driver pointed out the sign that read "20." He explained that he was going 20 mph because of the sign. The policeman pointed out that the sign...
from his neighbor:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I...
of long distance phone service and debating the relative advantages of AT&T, MCI, and Sprint.
"I've found CTC to be the cheapest plan around," offered one.
"CTC? Who are they?"
"You know," he responded. "Call Them Collect."
she will make greater. If you give her *****, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So...
for a washer and dryer set, I am going to look for a model without the sock monster option. I have been saving socks for years in the hopes that the sock monster will set their match free. But no such luck. Damn you sock monster! Damn you!
i feel like im watching that scene in finding nemo, when the crab is out of water, and all the seagalls are chasing it and saying "mine, mine, mine...." this pertaining to when just about any female posts something and all these dudes jump on that post......just sayin lol
I was taking a walk one afternoon when I passed a tree with this sign, "Talking Dog 4 Sale". Being the curious type that I am, I went up & knocked on the door. A moment later I was looking at a middle aged man & a Beagle type dog sitting beside him. "I saw your sign on the...
and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to...
I saw this story in the I love cats Group and it made me laugh so much I had to copy . paste and share it here:
My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the...
and said to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then leave this pub right now!" and approached a second man. "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then leave this den...
who had a hernia operation three days before.
The doctor asked the man why he had not gotten out of bed.
"I hurt," the man said. "You don’t know how it feels."
"I know exactly how it feels," the doctor said. "I had the same procedure last month, and I was back at work...
lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer was naturally bored, so he kept bugging the blonde to play a game of intelligence with him.
The blonde was reluctant, so the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds. He told her that every time she could not answer his question, she owed him $5, but...
that it's going on in my life. Leave it to a 7 year old to make me laugh and brighten my day. We took our dogs out for a walk (we have 2 Boston terriers female/male) they were doing their thing and all of the sudden my male dog licks the females but, all of the sudden i hear a...
something funny as he sat up in his hospital bed. I leaned in and whispered to him, "It's me, Victoria." He responded with, "I know. You're the only black one."
Hahaha you were hilarious until the very end bro. Love you.
and Boca Raton the other day (south of Jupiter) when a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it, too, was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the...
looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that he is "protecting." Feeling the heat from the police force, he decides to use a deaf person for the job so that even if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police...
but played many sports. When he got to a different high school, he became bullied partly for his size among other things. He dropped all sports and withdrew socially for the entire first year.
Every morning when I come downstairs, they don't know what to expect. I am jumping...
isnt bout avoiding feelings..i think just wanting to feel ok.laughter is one of the best medicines ..when im sad i always try to find something to laugh or try to do something for others to smile.when others laugh is the best gift. :Pand something for above 14+hahaha :D
proposal from the prime minister of Israel.
"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "The Israeli prime minister wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought it was a good...
and goes to Heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, l have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots.
" "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are pr0stitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed...
A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.
The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing...
of the country -
Mahatma Gandhi, Lal Bahadur Shastri and Jawaharlal Nehru went to heaven.
God asked Lal Bahadur Shastri how many children he had during his time
on earth. He replied saying he had three! Happy with the relatively good family planning adopted, God gave Shastri a...
different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single...
love life when one says, "Have you ever tried playing doctor?"
His mate says, "No what's it like?"
The man replies, "It's amazing me and my wife were playing for the whole of last night must of been about 10 hours."
His mate, shocked says, "10 hours!? How the hell did you...
I just wanted to share some of the laughs I've been having this evening.
I'M NOT ANGRY......WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT !
At age 4 success is. . .not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . .having a friends.
At age 17 success is . . .having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . . .having money.
At age 50 success is . . .having money.
At age 70 success is . . .having a drivers license.
with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and...