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I Want to Hear Your Funny, Clever Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 279 People

    Atheists?

    More likely atheists proclaim "Oh Baby" or "Oh (the name of their lover)" or "Oh My Goodness" would be my guess.  When did single Christians get the go ahead from their diety to have pre-marital sex anyway assuming they actually wait...
    Shaylon Shaylon 26-30, F 1 Response Nov 13, 2008

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    Ice Cube Pun

    How do you make an ice cube yawn? You put it through water-boreding.
    Dust329 Dust329 16-17, M 2 Responses May 19, 2013

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    Casino Strategy

    Ive been spending a lot of time in casinos because, apparently, I have a gambling problem. But I have learned something important to pass on to you about how to deal with casinos when youre there. Go get $100 in quarters when you arrive. Then, go to your room, lock the door; go...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Nov 8, 2013

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    Annulment

    Ole and Lena had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived together for thirty five years, Ole went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Middleton gasped...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Nov 7, 2013

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    Confessional

    A guy went to the church after a lengthy absence of several years and decided to give his confession.When he entered the confessional he found a padded chair that was the most comfortable he had ever sat upon, a fully stocked wet bar, some crystal glasses, an assortment of snacks...
    MichaelDuMaine MichaelDuMaine 36-40, M 4 Responses Mar 1, 2012

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    Windy Day

    I was traveling with my wife in Kanyakumari, India, one of the windiest places on Earth. Braving our way through the crosswind, we made our way to the tollbooth where I asked a bespectacled attendant, "What do you guys do in Kanyakumari when the wind quits?" Adjusting his rims...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 11, 2013

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    Young Larry

    Young Larry stopped by the corner grocery store and read the following list to the clerk: 10 pounds sugar at $1.25 a pound 4 pounds coffee at $1.50 a pound 2 pounds butter at $1.10 a pound 2 bars soap at $.83 each "How much does that come to?" asked Larry. "Twenty-two...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Nov 11, 2013

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    The Magic Camel

    Once, there was a man trying to cross a desert by a jeep. Unluckily, the jeep ran out of gas, and the man had to walk. After 4 hours walking, thirsty and exhausted, he found a church (lol). Inside the church lived an old priest. The priest gave the man water, some food, and a...
    rocketfingers rocketfingers 22-25, M 4 Responses Mar 7, 2010

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    A Funny Story

    T he other day my friend was singing the song "Do you know the muffin man the muffin man, do you know the muffin man, who lives on drooly lane!" I felt upset by his singing, so he asks what's wrong. So I go to tell him what happened to me last night. I...
    Dust329 Dust329 16-17, M 6 Responses Sep 3, 2009

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    So Im sitting in this internet café,

    and there is the biggest ******* ****** I've ever seen, watching every word I ty
    jollygoat jollygoat 22-25, M 2 Responses Jan 8

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    Harumph!

    I'm not your monkey! You want to see me tell a joke? Come to Pittsburgh! LOL ;)
    drcynic drcynic 22-25, M 2 Responses Nov 13, 2008

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    katiekayy katiekayy 18-21, F Oct 13, 2009

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    Funny Joke

    Wat do u call a fight between two mexicans? A Juan on Juan!! hahahahahahahaha
    idioso idioso 31-35, M 1 Response May 19, 2013

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    Thought Of The Day

    Friends........  Friends are like butt cheeks.   $hit might separate them,   But they always come back together.                                
    ceywat ceywat 51-55, F 7 Responses Jul 30, 2013

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    Both

    Alex : Hey, Mike! Long time no see. Mike : Good to see you back, Alex. Alex : So, you got married now or still doing the dishes on your own? Mike : Both - Married AND doing the dishes on my own.
    rocketfingers rocketfingers 22-25, M Apr 4, 2010

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    To 200 In 60 Secconds...

     Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and...
    lifeispoetry lifeispoetry 18-21, F 4 Responses Jul 14, 2008

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    Children Cussing

    there's a blind bunny hopping through the woods and it trips on a blind snake.. now the snake doesn't know it's a snake and the bunny doesn't know that it's a bunny.. so they get to talking and they discover that neither of them know exactly what they are. so they decide the only...
    katiekayy katiekayy 18-21, F 3 Responses Aug 14, 2009

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    Rene Descartes

    Rene Descartes sits down at a diner for  a sumptuous meal.After the meal, the waitress asks him if he would like anything else.Descartes replies, "I think not".and vanishes in a puff of logic
    DarknessCalls DarknessCalls 41-45, T 9 Responses Jun 4, 2011

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    Tee Hee

    It was really something else, man!" said the cadet policeman to his partner. "When I was off duty Saturday night, I went to this big party, see, and pretty soon I noticed this fabulous little bird giving me the eye. Then she asked me to take her home. And just as soon...
    lifeispoetry lifeispoetry 18-21, F 5 Responses Jul 14, 2008

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    Once upon a time I repeated this story,

    call that twice upon a time! Haha get it? No? Ok.
    Saltysalsa Saltysalsa 18-21, F Nov 29, 2013

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    When, What, And How

    When was the war of 1812? When was it 3:25? When was the hotdog done 4 minutes ago? How long did the hundred years war last? In which month to Russians celebrate the October Revelution? What is a camel's hair hairbrush made of? What was King George's first name? What color is a...
    NarutoShippudenFanGirl NarutoShippudenFanGirl 16-17, F Apr 8, 2013

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    I Am Woman

    What ever you give a woman, she will make greater.If you give her *****, she'll give you a baby.If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.She multplies and enlarges what is...
    ceywat ceywat 51-55, F 6 Responses Jun 11, 2013

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    This Is Cold!

    What do Polar Bears get if they sit on an iceberg for too long? Polaroids!
    jackkerouwacked jackkerouwacked 41-45, M 2 Responses May 20, 2013

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    In Memoriam

    With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for...
    ceywat ceywat 51-55, F 2 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    Good Business

    A Chinese guy goes to a Jew to buy black bras, size 38FF. The Jew, renowned for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them. The Chinese guy buys...
    passionchef passionchef 41-45, M 4 Responses Feb 28, 2012

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    Decoding Personal Ads

    Understanding WomenDictionary For Decoding Women's Personal Ads:40-ish.......................49Adventurous........Slept with everyone.Athletic...........................No breast.Average Looking.................Moooo.Beautiful..............Pathological liar.Emotionally Secure...
    ceywat ceywat 51-55, F 6 Responses Sep 19, 2013

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    Knock Knock...

    for some reason when i made this group, the only joke i could think of is the one from rocko in boondocksaints.... "i'll have a coke then"... i just didnt want to start the group with that so..... if you have any funny's yoke it up LOL! the world needs to laugh more...
    lifeispoetry lifeispoetry 18-21, F 1 Response Jul 14, 2008

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    A Joke I Made Up That Not Amny Ppl Get...

    What does a worker bee and a hooker have in common? ...Both have a stinging vagina (if you dont get this...think of the ovipositor!)
    freedomchaser24 freedomchaser24 22-25, F 3 Responses Jan 11, 2013

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    The Switch

    Farmer Brown and his wife were working in the field one day about dusk. As they were heading back to the house they saw a bunch of strange lights way out in the field. Upon ariving Farmer Brown and his wife saw a spaceship landing. They were approached by two aliens. The...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 19, 2013

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    Bed Belt

    Q: Why did the belt get locked up? A: He held up a pair of pants.
    deleted deleted 26-30 1 Response May 11, 2013

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    How Is Colonel Sanders Like The Typical Male?

    All he's concerned with is legs, breasts, and thighs.
    ceywat ceywat 51-55, F 9 Responses Feb 3, 2011

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    What Should You Give A Man Who Has Everything?

    A woman to show him how to work it.
    ceywat ceywat 51-55, F 8 Responses Feb 4, 2011

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    Related Experiences

    Knock, knock Who's there? Cows go. Cows go who? No, silly, cows go "moo."
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 29

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    Knock Knock Who's there? Wes! Wes who? Wes Side Story! Knock Knock Who's there? Wheelbarrow! Wheelbarrow who? Wheelbarrow some money and go on holiday!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 30

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    Knock Knock Who's there? Weirdo! Weirdo who? Weirdo you think you're going! Knock Knock Who's there? Welcome! Welcome who? Welcome up and see me sometime! Knock Knock...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 30

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    Knock Knock Who's there? Oscar! Oscar who? Oscar a silly question, get a silly answer! Knock Knock Who's there? O'Shea! O'Shea who? O'Shea that's a sad story! Knock...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Apr 7

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    Here is an example of a Shakespearean Sonnet I wrote for English class. ____________________________________ Don’t ever try to be something you’re not You’ll only look...
    laubrown1 laubrown1 16-17, F Apr 7

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    In anticipation of a TV drama that is going to be shown soon based on the life of my favourite comedian, Tommy Cooper, here are some of his jokes. ********************** I went...
    vector8 vector8 46-50, F 12 hrs ago

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    I would date a friendly turtle with no shell if it told me I was smart, laughed at my jokes and paid to get my hair done.
    nhammoud nhammoud 18-21, F 1 Response 4 hrs ago

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    Following a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a claim of bodily injury, due to a car collision. The case was against an insurance agent, driver of...
    jenga1 jenga1 41-45, F 2 Responses 11 hrs ago

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    A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response 9 hrs ago

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    Some more jokes....and riddles How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles. Two...
    vector8 vector8 46-50, F Mar 20

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    You are a Wolf! (your score: 23) 23 Characters: Marek, Alanka, Kerza, and Kara in the Aspect of Crow trilogy and "Storm Reaper"; Lance in "The Wild's Call" Powers: Stealth...
    codait codait 16-17, F Apr 6

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    My friends and I have this running joke called "Turbo Tuesday." Tuesday is the most boring goddam day of the week, because it's not Monday where you're fresh off from the weekend...
    BlueMetalChick BlueMetalChick 18-21, F 2 Responses Mar 25

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    You entered: Talynn _____ _______ You like to control everyone within your influence, to shape things to your own liking. If positive, you develop high spirituality, as you have a...
    Talynn Talynn 18-21, F 5 days ago

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    Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses 9 hrs ago

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    A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 22

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    Punography (A play on words) When chemists die, they barium. Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time...
    DanCan1 DanCan1 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 28

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    Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder. There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Mar 26

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    Excerpt from Nicolas Slonimsky's book "Slonimsky's Book of Musical Anecdotes" (which I highly recommend): "MOZART'S LONG NOSE": The following story of Mozart's sense of humor has...
    MrTimothyMcNeil MrTimothyMcNeil 18-21, M 2 Responses 1 hr ago

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    At all. My sister saw the movie "This is the End," and she told me one of the many off-putting elements of the movie was a rape joke that was made in it. It turned me off from...
    Whoami30 Whoami30 26-30, M Mar 28

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    Idk if this counts as a joke but I thought it was funny! I was having dinner with my hubby and my sister in-law and her hubby as well as our kids, we were talking about my husband...
    queediana82 queediana82 31-35, F Mar 25

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    PUNOGRAPHY • I tried to catch some fog. I mist. • When chemists die, they barium. • Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. • A soldier who survived mustard gas...
    diablesse34 diablesse34 46-50, F 15 Responses Mar 24

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    A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Mar 26

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