I Want to Hear Your Funny, Clever Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 454 People

    MariaAmor1 MariaAmor1
    18-21
    1 Response Feb 10, 2015

    Funny Joke

    Wat do u call a fight between two mexicans? A Juan on Juan!! hahahahahahahaha
    idioso idioso
    31-35, M
    1 Response May 19, 2013

    QUOTES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL FEDERAL EMPLOYEE

    PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS: 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." 3. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 4. "This employee is really not so much...
    zydeko zydeko
    18-21
    Jun 22, 2015
    ElaineH123 ElaineH123
    70+, F
    Aug 4, 2015

    Ice Cube Pun

    How do you make an ice cube yawn? You put it through water-boreding.
    Dust329 Dust329
    16-17, M
    2 Responses May 19, 2013

    Windy Day

    I was traveling with my wife in Kanyakumari, India, one of the windiest places on Earth. Braving our way through the crosswind, we made our way to the tollbooth where I asked a bespectacled attendant, "What do you guys do in Kanyakumari when the wind quits?" Adjusting his rims...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Nov 11, 2013

    Good Business

    A Chinese guy goes to a Jew to buy black bras, size 38FF. The Jew, renowned for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them. The Chinese guy buys...
    passionchef passionchef
    41-45, M
    4 Responses Feb 28, 2012

    Generous Lawyer

    Generous lawyer A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at...
    abritishgirl abritishgirl
    70+, F
    May 29, 2013

    Annulment

    Ole and Lena had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived together for thirty five years, Ole went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Middleton gasped...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Nov 7, 2013

    Casino Strategy

    Ive been spending a lot of time in casinos because, apparently, I have a gambling problem. But I have learned something important to pass on to you about how to deal with casinos when youre there. Go get $100 in quarters when you arrive. Then, go to your room, lock the door; go...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    3 Responses Nov 8, 2013

    Nursery Rhymns

    Little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her cutfd and whey Along came a spider and dat down beside her and said what do ya got in the bowl *****
    Kentex Kentex
    56-60, M
    Jul 28, 2013

    Rene Descartes

    Rene Descartes sits down at a diner for  a sumptuous meal.After the meal, the waitress asks him if he would like anything else.Descartes replies, "I think not".and vanishes in a puff of logic
    DarknessCalls DarknessCalls
    41-45, T
    9 Responses Jun 4, 2011

    A trucker came into a truck stop cafe

    and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards." The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of...
    zydeko zydeko
    18-21
    Jun 22, 2015

    Where do kids who have ADD

    and or ADHD go for the summer? A concentration camp...
    ValhallaAwaits ValhallaAwaits
    22-25, M
    5 Responses Jan 6, 2015

    Irish Drunks

    Irish Drunks A man walks into a pub. He greets the barman and orders a pint. As the barman draws it, the man begins to hear two noisy young men at the end of the bar. "What county did you say you where from?" asked the first. "Why, County Clare." the second replied. "Well, I...
    abritishgirl abritishgirl
    70+, F
    1 Response May 28, 2013

    Both

    Alex : Hey, Mike! Long time no see. Mike : Good to see you back, Alex. Alex : So, you got married now or still doing the dishes on your own? Mike : Both - Married AND doing the dishes on my own.
    rocketfingers rocketfingers
    22-25, M
    Apr 4, 2010

    The Switch

    Farmer Brown and his wife were working in the field one day about dusk. As they were heading back to the house they saw a bunch of strange lights way out in the field. Upon ariving Farmer Brown and his wife saw a spaceship landing. They were approached by two aliens. The...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    1 Response Nov 19, 2013

    Fair Prize

    One year the neighborhood hardware store decided to open or rent a booth at the town fair. Leading up to opening day the owners would encourage everyone to visit their booth at the fair. The owners told everyone they would get adoor prize. the manager really had to talk old...
    Kentex Kentex
    56-60, M
    May 24, 2013
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    Apr 10, 2015

    Bed Belt

    Q: Why did the belt get locked up? A: He held up a pair of pants.
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    May 11, 2013

    Tee Hee

    It was really something else, man!" said the cadet policeman to his partner. "When I was off duty Saturday night, I went to this big party, see, and pretty soon I noticed this fabulous little bird giving me the eye. Then she asked me to take her home. And just as soon...
    lifeispoetry lifeispoetry
    18-21, F
    5 Responses Jul 14, 2008

    Train

    there was a train coming out of the hills of Kentucky and there was a priest sitting by himself and he had a ca st on his arm. Well there also were two hillbillies on the train a couple of seats behind the priest. They had never seen a cast before so after a little while one...
    Kentex Kentex
    56-60, M
    May 25, 2013

    Atheists?

    More likely atheists proclaim "Oh Baby" or "Oh (the name of their lover)" or "Oh My Goodness" would be my guess.  When did single Christians get the go ahead from their diety to have pre-marital sex anyway assuming they actually wait...
    Shaylon Shaylon
    26-30, F
    1 Response Nov 13, 2008

    Oi, Flies In My Beer!

    One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his...
    abritishgirl abritishgirl
    70+, F
    2 Responses May 28, 2013

    What's old and wrinkled

    and hangs out Granddads trousers
    Zombiearegay Zombiearegay
    51-55, M
    1 Response Mar 11, 2014

    Knock Knock...

    for some reason when i made this group, the only joke i could think of is the one from rocko in boondocksaints.... "i'll have a coke then"... i just didnt want to start the group with that so..... if you have any funny's yoke it up LOL! the world needs to laugh more...
    lifeispoetry lifeispoetry
    18-21, F
    1 Response Jul 14, 2008

    Harumph!

    I'm not your monkey! You want to see me tell a joke? Come to Pittsburgh! LOL ;)
    drcynic drcynic
    26-30, M
    2 Responses Nov 13, 2008

    what goes up and never comes down?

    ... .... ... .... age!
    godofgreekgods10 godofgreekgods10
    26-30, M
    1 Response Jan 22, 2015

    The Penis, 3 Studies

    The Penis - 3 Studies In 1991, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex...
    abritishgirl abritishgirl
    70+, F
    3 Responses May 28, 2013

    Mice

    Hickory dickory dock the mice ran up the clock The clock struck one and the other two got away
    Kentex Kentex
    56-60, M
    Jul 28, 2013

    A Funny Story

    T he other day my friend was singing the song "Do you know the muffin man the muffin man, do you know the muffin man, who lives on drooly lane!" I felt upset by his singing, so he asks what's wrong. So I go to tell him what happened to me last night. I...
    Dust329 Dust329
    16-17, M
    6 Responses Sep 3, 2009

    To 200 In 60 Secconds...

     Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and...
    lifeispoetry lifeispoetry
    18-21, F
    4 Responses Jul 14, 2008

    While the barber is lathering the man up

    for his shave, the man expresses to the barber how he has a hard time getting a close shave on his cheeks. The barber replies with a solution and pulls a small wooden ball out of this cabinet drawer. "Place the wooden ball between your cheek and gum on the right side and you...
    zydeko zydeko
    18-21
    Jun 22, 2015

    Children Cussing

    there's a blind bunny hopping through the woods and it trips on a blind snake.. now the snake doesn't know it's a snake and the bunny doesn't know that it's a bunny.. so they get to talking and they discover that neither of them know exactly what they are. so they decide the only...
    katiekayy katiekayy
    18-21, F
    3 Responses Aug 14, 2009

    When, What, And How

    When was the war of 1812? When was it 3:25? When was the hotdog done 4 minutes ago? How long did the hundred years war last? In which month to Russians celebrate the October Revelution? What is a camel's hair hairbrush made of? What was King George's first name? What color is a...
    NarutoShippudenFanGirl NarutoShippudenFanGirl
    16-17, F
    Apr 8, 2013

    So Im sitting in this internet café,

    and there is the biggest ******* ****** I've ever seen, watching every word I ty
    jollygoat jollygoat
    22-25, M
    1 Response Jan 8, 2014

    Young Larry

    Young Larry stopped by the corner grocery store and read the following list to the clerk: 10 pounds sugar at $1.25 a pound 4 pounds coffee at $1.50 a pound 2 pounds butter at $1.10 a pound 2 bars soap at $.83 each "How much does that come to?" asked Larry. "Twenty-two...
    jml2000 jml2000
    61-65, M
    Nov 11, 2013

    This Is Cold!

    What do Polar Bears get if they sit on an iceberg for too long? Polaroids!
    jackkerouwacked jackkerouwacked
    46-50, M
    1 Response May 20, 2013

    I Don'T Want Your Money

    A multi millionaire was having a party for all his friends. Mostly to show off his pet shark. After most everyone was there and enjoying themselves he gathers them all up and leads them to the pool too show off his shark. About half kidding he says he'll give anyone that swims...
    Kentex Kentex
    56-60, M
    1 Response May 25, 2013

    A Joke I Made Up That Not Amny Ppl Get...

    What does a worker bee and a hooker have in common? ...Both have a stinging vagina (if you dont get this...think of the ovipositor!)
    freedomchaser24 freedomchaser24
    22-25, F
    3 Responses Jan 11, 2013

    Related Experiences

    This has made me really very sad that this is closing down. It really does violate our constitutional rights in expressing ourselves. People should get lawyers to make this a...
    Alicehath Alicehath
    56-60, F
    Apr 21
    Part 2 Second year is an interesting story. So much happened and yet so little. It started well, I returned to Uni and thanks to that final night out we’d all become friends...
    Tobey94 Tobey94
    18-21, M
    Apr 21
    My wife asked me the other day, "At your age, what would you prefer to get - Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?" I answered, "Definitely Parkinson's. Better to spill half an ounce of...
    Rusham Rusham
    66-70, M
    2 Responses Apr 21
    I havee. I can't say they are my best friends now, but when they were, oh boy did we do some stupid stuff! I think it's only right I end my time here on EP with a positive, fun...
    TheMasterMan1 TheMasterMan1
    16-17, M
    Apr 20
    People have each of their own struggles in life. And you're one with the most visible ones. It's kind of frustrating that I am not someone who can give good advice, propose good...
    SparkofDecency SparkofDecency
    18-21, F
    5 Responses Apr 20
    I have admired a co-worker for years. She is Very pear shaped.. and is by far the largest woman I work with.. and honestly one of the largest women I have see in person . And have...
    BigJimMan BigJimMan
    41-45, M
    Apr 20
    Potentially, this will be the last story of me here, and would like to end this experience on positive note... Despite last few weeks being a rollercoaster both emotionally...
    monty1212 monty1212
    26-30, F
    5 Responses Apr 20
    On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked...
    Rusham Rusham
    66-70, M
    2 Responses Apr 20
    This is my last post..... And it is for Him My love My heart And my soul... May you be happy I will miss you I will miss my best friend I will miss talking to you I will...
    Ttiffany330 Ttiffany330
    41-45, F
    Apr 20
    Since today is the last day of being able to post for the foreseeable future, I thought I should let everybody know a few things about me. 1) I love the great outdoors. I could...
    HaleyAnnabelle HaleyAnnabelle
    18-21, F
    2 Responses Apr 20
    FOR SILVER01TA I sat down at my computer trying to compose a note that would do justice to the almost a decade of friendship we have shared together – a friendship that has...
    fungirlmmm fungirlmmm
    41-45, F
    7 Responses Apr 20
    One more cheesy goodbye EP story. I don't know how to start this, so I'll just try to start from the beginning and ramble one last time. I've been on EP since 2012 - back when...
    YouCouldBeHappy YouCouldBeHappy
    70+, F
    2 Responses Apr 20
    I was sitting at a bar when a lady noticed my new smart watch. She asked me about it and I told her it could do all kinds of cool things. "For example, it can tell if someone is...
    Gentle153 Gentle153
    26-30, M
    1 Response Apr 20
    After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age...
    actionjake actionjake
    56-60, M
    Apr 19
    TRUE! --nervous --very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am; but why will you say that I am mad? The disease had sharpened my senses --not destroyed --not dulled them. Above...
    DaydreamingSleepwalker DaydreamingSleepwalker
    41-45, F
    2 Responses Apr 19
    A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. 'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa...
    Rusham Rusham
    66-70, M
    4 Responses Apr 19
    I’m posting this hoping for feedback from a third party. I’ve been told by friends that my boyfriend is abusing me emotionally. - He only supports what I do if he likes it...
    LoreleiLoch LoreleiLoch
    18-21, F
    Apr 19
    Once again skipping, sitting in an empty lot, wishing I brought a razor and wanting another dealer. Seems every time I pull this juvenile trick it gets that much harder to commit...
    yamaraj yamaraj
    18-21, M
    Apr 19
    I have been an EPer since 2011 and I have shared so much with you people... From sad stuff to happy moments of my life. I shared events/memories that few people in real life know...
    EarlPhantomhive EarlPhantomhive
    18-21, F
    Apr 19
    A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.. The boy working in that department told him that they only...
    Rusham Rusham
    66-70, M
    6 Responses Apr 18
More Stories