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I Want to Hear Your Funny, Clever Jokes

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 278 People

    Nursery Rhymns

    Little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her cutfd and whey Along came a spider and dat down beside her and said what do ya got in the bowl *****
    Kentex Kentex 56-60, M Jul 28, 2013

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    Annulment

    Ole and Lena had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived together for thirty five years, Ole went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Middleton gasped...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Nov 7, 2013

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    Decoding Personal Ads

    Understanding WomenDictionary For Decoding Women's Personal Ads:40-ish.......................49Adventurous........Slept with everyone.Athletic...........................No breast.Average Looking.................Moooo.Beautiful..............Pathological liar.Emotionally Secure...
    ceywat ceywat 51-55, F 6 Responses Sep 19, 2013

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    What Should You Give A Man Who Has Everything?

    A woman to show him how to work it.
    ceywat ceywat 51-55, F 7 Responses Feb 4, 2011

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    Casino Strategy

    Ive been spending a lot of time in casinos because, apparently, I have a gambling problem. But I have learned something important to pass on to you about how to deal with casinos when youre there. Go get $100 in quarters when you arrive. Then, go to your room, lock the door; go...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 4 Responses Nov 8, 2013

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    What's old and wrinkled

    and hangs out Granddads trousers
    Zombiearegay Zombiearegay 51-55, M 1 Response Mar 11

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    Tee Hee

    It was really something else, man!" said the cadet policeman to his partner. "When I was off duty Saturday night, I went to this big party, see, and pretty soon I noticed this fabulous little bird giving me the eye. Then she asked me to take her home. And just as soon...
    lifeispoetry lifeispoetry 18-21, F 5 Responses Jul 14, 2008

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    Oi, Flies In My Beer!

    One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his...
    abritishgirl abritishgirl 18-21, F 3 Responses May 28, 2013

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    How Is Colonel Sanders Like The Typical Male?

    All he's concerned with is legs, breasts, and thighs.
    ceywat ceywat 51-55, F 12 Responses Feb 3, 2011

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    Bed Belt

    Q: Why did the belt get locked up? A: He held up a pair of pants.
    deleted deleted 26-30 1 Response May 11, 2013

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    Breakfast

    A guy walks into a diner and sits down, when the waitress comes over he says, I would like to order breakfast and this is what I want. I want two eggs sunny side up, one should be hard and rubbery and the second one should look like it never went on the grill. He says I want...
    mistresscathy mistresscathy 46-50, T 5 Responses May 1, 2011

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    I Don'T Want Your Money

    A multi millionaire was having a party for all his friends. Mostly to show off his pet shark. After most everyone was there and enjoying themselves he gathers them all up and leads them to the pool too show off his shark. About half kidding he says he'll give anyone that swims...
    Kentex Kentex 56-60, M 1 Response May 25, 2013

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    Train

    there was a train coming out of the hills of Kentucky and there was a priest sitting by himself and he had a ca st on his arm. Well there also were two hillbillies on the train a couple of seats behind the priest. They had never seen a cast before so after a little while one...
    Kentex Kentex 56-60, M May 25, 2013

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    This Is Cold!

    What do Polar Bears get if they sit on an iceberg for too long? Polaroids!
    jackkerouwacked jackkerouwacked 41-45, M 2 Responses May 20, 2013

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    Mice

    Hickory dickory dock the mice ran up the clock The clock struck one and the other two got away
    Kentex Kentex 56-60, M Jul 28, 2013

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    Confessional

    A guy went to the church after a lengthy absence of several years and decided to give his confession.When he entered the confessional he found a padded chair that was the most comfortable he had ever sat upon, a fully stocked wet bar, some crystal glasses, an assortment of snacks...
    MichaelDuMaine MichaelDuMaine 36-40, M 4 Responses Mar 1, 2012

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    To 200 In 60 Secconds...

     Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!" The next morning he got up early and...
    lifeispoetry lifeispoetry 18-21, F 4 Responses Jul 14, 2008

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    Once upon a time I repeated this story,

    call that twice upon a time! Haha get it? No? Ok.
    Saltysalsa Saltysalsa 18-21, F Nov 29, 2013

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    Children Cussing

    there's a blind bunny hopping through the woods and it trips on a blind snake.. now the snake doesn't know it's a snake and the bunny doesn't know that it's a bunny.. so they get to talking and they discover that neither of them know exactly what they are. so they decide the only...
    katiekayy katiekayy 18-21, F 3 Responses Aug 14, 2009

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    Ice Cube Pun

    How do you make an ice cube yawn? You put it through water-boreding.
    Dust329 Dust329 16-17, M 2 Responses May 19, 2013

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    Atheists?

    More likely atheists proclaim "Oh Baby" or "Oh (the name of their lover)" or "Oh My Goodness" would be my guess.  When did single Christians get the go ahead from their diety to have pre-marital sex anyway assuming they actually wait...
    Shaylon Shaylon 26-30, F 1 Response Nov 13, 2008

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    Irish Drunks

    Irish Drunks A man walks into a pub. He greets the barman and orders a pint. As the barman draws it, the man begins to hear two noisy young men at the end of the bar. "What county did you say you where from?" asked the first. "Why, County Clare." the second replied. "Well, I...
    abritishgirl abritishgirl 18-21, F May 28, 2013

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    When, What, And How

    When was the war of 1812? When was it 3:25? When was the hotdog done 4 minutes ago? How long did the hundred years war last? In which month to Russians celebrate the October Revelution? What is a camel's hair hairbrush made of? What was King George's first name? What color is a...
    NarutoShippudenFanGirl NarutoShippudenFanGirl 16-17, F Apr 8, 2013

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    Good Business

    A Chinese guy goes to a Jew to buy black bras, size 38FF. The Jew, renowned for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them. The Chinese guy buys...
    passionchef passionchef 41-45, M 4 Responses Feb 28, 2012

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    In Memoriam

    With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey," died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for...
    ceywat ceywat 51-55, F 2 Responses Jun 1, 2013

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    The Penis, 3 Studies

    The Penis - 3 Studies In 1991, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex...
    abritishgirl abritishgirl 18-21, F 2 Responses May 28, 2013

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    Windy Day

    I was traveling with my wife in Kanyakumari, India, one of the windiest places on Earth. Braving our way through the crosswind, we made our way to the tollbooth where I asked a bespectacled attendant, "What do you guys do in Kanyakumari when the wind quits?" Adjusting his rims...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 11, 2013

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    Harumph!

    I'm not your monkey! You want to see me tell a joke? Come to Pittsburgh! LOL ;)
    drcynic drcynic 26-30, M 2 Responses Nov 13, 2008

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    Knock Knock...

    for some reason when i made this group, the only joke i could think of is the one from rocko in boondocksaints.... "i'll have a coke then"... i just didnt want to start the group with that so..... if you have any funny's yoke it up LOL! the world needs to laugh more...
    lifeispoetry lifeispoetry 18-21, F 1 Response Jul 14, 2008

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    I Am Woman

    What ever you give a woman, she will make greater.If you give her *****, she'll give you a baby.If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.She multplies and enlarges what is...
    ceywat ceywat 51-55, F 5 Responses Jun 11, 2013

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    Young Larry

    Young Larry stopped by the corner grocery store and read the following list to the clerk: 10 pounds sugar at $1.25 a pound 4 pounds coffee at $1.50 a pound 2 pounds butter at $1.10 a pound 2 bars soap at $.83 each "How much does that come to?" asked Larry. "Twenty-two...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 1 Response Nov 11, 2013

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    Both

    Alex : Hey, Mike! Long time no see. Mike : Good to see you back, Alex. Alex : So, you got married now or still doing the dishes on your own? Mike : Both - Married AND doing the dishes on my own.
    rocketfingers rocketfingers 22-25, M Apr 4, 2010

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    The Switch

    Farmer Brown and his wife were working in the field one day about dusk. As they were heading back to the house they saw a bunch of strange lights way out in the field. Upon ariving Farmer Brown and his wife saw a spaceship landing. They were approached by two aliens. The...
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Nov 19, 2013

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    Rene Descartes

    Rene Descartes sits down at a diner for  a sumptuous meal.After the meal, the waitress asks him if he would like anything else.Descartes replies, "I think not".and vanishes in a puff of logic
    DarknessCalls DarknessCalls 41-45, T 9 Responses Jun 4, 2011

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    Thought Of The Day

    Friends........  Friends are like butt cheeks.   $hit might separate them,   But they always come back together.                                
    ceywat ceywat 51-55, F 6 Responses Jul 30, 2013

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    Funny Joke

    Wat do u call a fight between two mexicans? A Juan on Juan!! hahahahahahahaha
    idioso idioso 31-35, M 1 Response May 19, 2013

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    A Joke I Made Up That Not Amny Ppl Get...

    What does a worker bee and a hooker have in common? ...Both have a stinging vagina (if you dont get this...think of the ovipositor!)
    freedomchaser24 freedomchaser24 22-25, F 3 Responses Jan 11, 2013

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    So Im sitting in this internet café,

    and there is the biggest ******* ****** I've ever seen, watching every word I ty
    jollygoat jollygoat 22-25, M 2 Responses Jan 8

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    Generous Lawyer

    Generous lawyer A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at...
    abritishgirl abritishgirl 18-21, F May 29, 2013

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    Fair Prize

    One year the neighborhood hardware store decided to open or rent a booth at the town fair. Leading up to opening day the owners would encourage everyone to visit their booth at the fair. The owners told everyone they would get adoor prize. the manager really had to talk old...
    Kentex Kentex 56-60, M May 24, 2013

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    A Funny Story

    T he other day my friend was singing the song "Do you know the muffin man the muffin man, do you know the muffin man, who lives on drooly lane!" I felt upset by his singing, so he asks what's wrong. So I go to tell him what happened to me last night. I...
    Dust329 Dust329 16-17, M 6 Responses Sep 3, 2009

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    Related Experiences

    How many Shrinks does it take to change a light bulb? ONE..but the light bulb has to WANT to change..
    Davido57 Davido57 56-60, M 5 hrs ago

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    "51 Days!!" : )A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of...
    ceywat ceywat 51-55, F 6 Responses 5 days ago

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    Knock Knock Who's there? Julia! Julia who! Julia want some milk and cookies! Knock Knock Who's there? Julie! Julie who! Julie you door unlocked?
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 13

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    Knock Knock Who's there? Juicy! Juicy who! Juicy what I just saw! Knock Knock Who's there? Julia! Julia who! Julia want to come in!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 2 Responses Jul 13

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    Knock Knock Who's there? Carl! Carl who? Carl get you there quicker than if you walk! Knock Knock Who's there? Carmen! Carmen who? Carmen get it!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 6 hrs ago

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    Knock Knock Who's there? Carrie! Carrie who? Carrie the bags into the house please! Knock Knock Who's there? Carrot! Carrot who? Carrot me back home!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 hrs ago

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    Who's there? Cash! Cash who? Cash me if you can!
    jml2000 jml2000 56-60, M 5 hrs ago

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    i really don't think that i understand girls any more nor do i think that the ones i dated really understood what they really wanted so it was like a hopeless situation and a huge...
    alaacrot alaacrot 18-21, M Jun 29

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    Wanna hear a funny joke??? Here you go • • • • Barack Obama
    broadwaybabe99 broadwaybabe99 13-15, F 3 Responses Jul 3

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    A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a...
    Michael91142 Michael91142 70+, M 13 hrs ago

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