I Want to Know Your Favorite Blasphemous Joke

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 82 People

    Three Baptist Ministers

    Three Baptist ministers and their wives got into a car crash and died one day. They found themselves standing at the pearly gates together before St. Peter. St. Peter opened his big book, pointed to the first minister, and said, "You're going to Hell." "What...
    theGirlwiththeSmile theGirlwiththeSmile
    22-25, F
    4 Responses May 30, 2009

    Puppies!

    A minister was visiting the home of one of the local families when the son comes running in, all excited because his dog had just had her puppies. "Don't interupt, Johnny," said the boy's mother. "Oh, don't scold him, ma'am," said the minister. "...
    Damasu Damasu
    36-40
    4 Responses Mar 29, 2008
    VendettA12 VendettA12
    31-35, M
    Apr 11, 2009

    When the Gods Are Angry With Man

    they grant him what he wishes for.
    squid4u squid4u
    46-50, M
    1 Response May 27, 2009

    My Favorite Jew Joke Ever

    Two Rabbis argued late into the night about the existence of God, and, using strong arguments from the scriptures, ended up indisputably disproving His existence. The next day, one Rabbi was surprised to see the other walking into the Shul for morning services. "I thought...
    DeenMan DeenMan
    26-30, M
    Jun 7, 2013
    VendettA12 VendettA12
    31-35, M
    3 Responses Apr 11, 2009

    JC and John

    Jesus and John are chilling by the lakeshore then jesus speaks, "Hey john say what we do a miracle just like the old times?" ,"yeah why not" john says. So jesus steps on the surface of the water then tries to walk. Suddenly even before he takes his first step, he sinks. John...
    labrynth labrynth
    22-25, M
    May 31, 2009

    How Do You Get A Nun Pregnant?

    How do you get a nun pregnant?Dress her up like an alter boy.
    pavlovscat pavlovscat
    56-60, M
    Nov 20, 2009

    Blasphemy Can Be Fun!!

     What's your favorite blasphemous joke? I'll get you started, here's mine: Jesus walks into the lobby of a chic hotel, throws three nails down on the counter, and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"   That one cracks me up every time!!!
    celerystalk3000 celerystalk3000
    36-40
    11 Responses Mar 9, 2008
    VendettA12 VendettA12
    31-35, M
    2 Responses Apr 11, 2009

    Why Did All the Women Love Jesus?

    (with arms streched out) Because he was hung like this!
    squid4u squid4u
    46-50, M
    5 Responses May 16, 2009

    Alter Advice

    a man walks init a confession booth and says, ''bless me father, for i have sinned.'' to which the priest replies, ''tell ya what, i gotta go to the can. u fill in for me while im gone and you'll be clean as a whistle. ..it's a piece of cake, all the sins are on this chart along...
    jayciedubb jayciedubb
    46-50, M
    Jun 10, 2013
    VendettA12 VendettA12
    31-35, M
    4 Responses Apr 11, 2009
    VendettA12 VendettA12
    31-35, M
    3 Responses May 8, 2009

    Good One

    The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears several confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross your...
    Donalh Donalh
    22-25, M
    2 Responses Apr 1, 2008

    God's Vacation

    God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?" St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's...
    Warmthoughtsofyou04 Warmthoughtsofyou04
    31-35, F
    6 Responses May 14, 2008

    My Blasphemous Sight-gag Joke

    Please, humour me.  Do it. Arms out by your sides, hands up a bit: "If you're Jesus and you know it clap your hands," Try to clap.  Remember, you're nailed to a cross.
    tearaway tearaway
    22-25, F
    17 Responses Feb 28, 2009
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    4 Responses Apr 12, 2009
    tearaway tearaway
    22-25, F
    3 Responses Jan 10, 2010

    Christianity

    God is tired, worn out. So he speaks to St. Peter, "You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?" St. Peter, thinking, nods his head, then says, "How about Jupiter? It's...
    NoGodsNoMasters NoGodsNoMasters
    31-35, F
    4 Responses Apr 15, 2009

    Either

    Anything to do with Zombie Jesus or the other day when my friend and I were joking around and I said "Jesus loves the little children" I got a Christian friend to shake his head at that one.
    axelval axelval
    18-21, T
    2 Responses May 17, 2009

    Favorite Bumper Sticker

    My favorite blasphemous joke is something I once read on a bumper sticker:   "Jesus is Coming...Look Busy."
    serenityprayer serenityprayer
    31-35, F
    3 Responses Sep 7, 2009

    Blonde In Heaven

    So a blonde goes to heaven and meets St. Peter at the gate. St. Peter says, "you have to answer one question before you can get into heaven" The Blonde says, "Oh St. Peter, please make it easy...I am blonde you know" St. Peter says, " yes I know and...
    silvrsurfr silvrsurfr
    46-50, M
    2 Responses Aug 12, 2009

    No Dancing?

    Question: Do you know why Southern Baptists don't have sex standing up?   Answer: They wouldn't want anyone to think they were dancing!
    newdaydogEP newdaydogEP
    70+, M
    1 Response Oct 6, 2009

    Time For a 21st Century Miracle

    Moses and Jesus are kicking back by a river. Jesus says, "Hey Moses, you haven't done anything for quite a long time. How about a miracle?" So Moses gets up and walks down to the river. He raises his arms and the waters part, drops his arms and the waters crash...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    2 Responses May 19, 2009

    Watch Out For What You Ask For

    A crowd of angry townspeople were chasing a prostitute through the streets. They finally cornered her and began to pick up rocks while moving in for the kill. Just then, Jesus placed himself between the mob and the young prostitute. He said, "Let those among you...
    deleted deleted
    26-30
    1 Response Jun 3, 2009

    Two Nuns In Transylvania

    Two nuns are taking a driving tour of Transylvania.  Before they can make it back to their Inn, the sun set and all the creatures of the night come out.  Suddenly a vampire lands on the hood of their car, hissing and showing his fangs! Sister Mary Evangeline turns to...
    DiscoveryChick DiscoveryChick
    41-45, F
    2 Responses Apr 12, 2009
    VendettA12 VendettA12
    31-35, M
    1 Response Apr 11, 2009
    VendettA12 VendettA12
    31-35, M
    3 Responses Apr 11, 2009

    Golfing...

    Jesus and Moses go golfing... On the first water hole, Moses puts it into the water... he walks down, parts the pond and plays through. On the next he advises Jesus that he should play up to the water and then over it. Jesus hits it into the water and walks on the surface to...
    DancesWithDolphins DancesWithDolphins
    41-45, M
    3 Responses Mar 29, 2008

    Confessional

    Two men go to the confessional and one walks into the booth, he says, "Father, I had sex with a woman last night, and we aren't married." The father says, "Who was it?" He says. "I'm not telling you that." Father says, "Was it that widow...
    Mikenstein Mikenstein
    36-40, M
    2 Responses Apr 19, 2009

    My Fave!

    Q. Why did Jesus die on the cross?       A. He forgot the "safe word."
    maineiac04631 maineiac04631
    41-45, M
    3 Responses Apr 3, 2008
    VendettA12 VendettA12
    31-35, M
    2 Responses Apr 11, 2009

    Not Really Blasphemous, Just Silly

    and also: Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. Moses tees off, knocks it straight into the water, parts the water, and chips it onto the green. Jesus tees off, knocks it straight into the water, walks on the water, the ball floats up, chips it straight into the hole...
    Honir Honir
    26-30, M
    4 Responses Apr 11, 2009

    "For This Is the Word of the Lord"

    God said to Moses, come forth;   He came fifth and won a barbeque set Moses had a motorbike, it says so in the bible,     "For the sound of Moses Triumph could be heard throughout the land" Saint Peter is at the Pearly Gates, when a...
    Cherpee Cherpee
    51-55, M
    1 Response May 5, 2009

    Nyuk Nyuk

    This is a sight gag really... How does Jesus bite his nails? (put your mouth to the inside of your wrist and start pretending to chew)  
    vardo5 vardo5
    26-30, M
    8 Responses Mar 12, 2008

    Worst Jesus Joke

    Jesus walked into a hotel and asked for  a room. The clerk said that a room was not available.   So Jesus threw three nails on the table and asked to be put up for the night. Forgive me.  
    retiredfather retiredfather
    61-65, M
    1 Response Mar 15, 2009
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