Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly...
A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first...
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris is put in a straight jacket to be contained, he doesn't go insane, the jacket does. NOBODY tries to contain Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.
A man with a bag of Lays potato chips taunted Chuck Norris: "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris ate the chips, the bag, and the man.
Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is the reason NWA ran Straight Outta Compton
When Chuck Norris crosses the steet the cars have to look both ways.
Chuck Norris went looking for a rabbit in a forest. He came out with a bear and the bear was saying "I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit".
Inertia is a property of Chuck Norris.
When a zombie apocalypse starts, Chuck Norris doesn't try to survive. The zombies do.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone. What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four...
In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.
Chuck Norris injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard. They are now known as King Kong, Jaws, and Godzilla.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his room, the bears not dead it's just afraid to move.
When Chuck Norris does a push up, he doesn't push up. He pushes the world down.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, scissors beat paper, but Chuck Norris beats all three at the same time.
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.
Curiosity killed the cat. Chuck Norris killed Curiosity.
Paul Bunyan may be able to knock down a whole forrest with one swing of his ax but Chuck Norris can take out a whole forrest with one roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.
Chuck Norris once roundhoused a horse in the chin and from then on, its decendents were known as giraffes!
Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.
God didn't make all men equal, but Samuel Colt did... then God made Chuck Norris
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
The leading causes of death in the United States are:
1. Heart disease
2. Chuck Norris
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Chuck Norris doesn't have good aim. His bullets just know better than to miss.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
There is no such thing as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.
The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.