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I Wish I Was Dead Most of the Time

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 680 People

    69th post. Hey everybody.

    I'm in Sydney and we are three hours away from 2015. All I can say os bring it on. I can feel the good times in my bones so lets all put 2014 behind us. Pretty good feeling to be the first into 2015, sorry rest of the world who is hours behind us. To every single person out...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 1 Response Dec 31, 2014

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    Ok so here we go again.

    I'm ready to go on with my story. Just for those who have not read my previous posts, this is my fourth one. Anyway, so I was almost 18 when me and the guy I was dating decided we were going to get married. Simple right? No, not so simple. When my dad found out about the...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F Nov 16, 2014

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    I'm 23 and have dealt with suicidal ideations on

    and off since I was 17. No one cares that I wish I was dead and they keep just telling me I should stay alive without giving me any concrete reasons why. I wish life wasn't so long; I wish humans typically died at around 50; then I'd be done with this hellhole existence before I...
    GirlieSwirl GirlieSwirl 22-25, F 2 Responses Mar 29

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    Why Choose A Permanent Solution To A Temporary Problem?

    reading and writing stuff on a random website can only help in certain ways in certain circumstances . . .I feel MORE overwhelmed when I see all this grief and pain than when I was alone! I wish everyone who is in pain peace and relief I send them all love and hope Please get...
    dispossessed dispossessed 46-50, F 3 Responses Oct 28, 2013

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    I have little friends,

    of which even those whom I have, they are not close enough to discuss my problems. I can't focus at work... or anywhere. Just feel like a soul stuck in a robot. "Yes Boss!", "Yes Mom!", "Yes Sir!"... but really? No. But it's work. It's life. It sucks. I'm just anxious all the...
    BrainDead321 BrainDead321 26-30, M 1 Response Dec 9, 2013

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    I wish I had a suicide buddy too.

    I'm not looking for someone to talk me out of it. nothing could be further from the truth. The buddy is there to walk with me into the abyss and to make sure the end comes if I **** up!!
    crabspanner crabspanner 36-40, M Mar 4

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    It really is the best thing

    for me to die. I have zero friends, nothing to live for, I'm poor, harassed, my mother's "love" is conditional and I'm obese and ugly. I have no family either. If I died my mother wouldn't find me until maybe the next day or two. If she died no one would ever find me. That's...
    1lonelydaisy 1lonelydaisy 41-45 3 Responses Dec 17, 2014

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    74th post..Well you might have noticed I

    haven't been posting here in a while. I'm still around. The 20th passed and I'm still alive. Had a bad week struggling all week with the bad thoughts and feelings. It is now the 22nd here, and I made it past my so called use by date. Now that I feel like I'm no longer on a...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 3 Responses Jan 22

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    I Can't Think Of A Clever Title - Sorry

    It feels kind of stupid to write this. Like: "Hey internet strangers obviously whinging to you about my life will make everything better!" But it doesn't and I just... I can't - explain. It feels like everything is crashing down on me and I just can't take it. Waking up everyday...
    brainbow brainbow 18-21, F 2 Responses Nov 1, 2013

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    71st post. I feel great

    because I have no feelings. No emotions at all. Love it when I get like this because anything is possible. Nobody can touch me and I don't give a crap about anything. Nothing and nobody matters. I call it my self destruct button. Nobody can do to me what I can do to me. More...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 1 Response Jan 2

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    21st post. Well the other day,

    I did something that had me very very excited. For some people this will sound like nothing, and most people do this every single day of their lives and think nothing of it. For me, I spend almost every waking hour thinking about it. I'm talking about leaving the house. I will...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 1 Response Nov 25, 2014

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    I told my friend I love him

    and he stopped talking to me. Most of the time I wish I was dead. It seems everybody else is able to hug their friends and tell them they love them, but I can't. Somehow it comes out all wrong? I don't understand what is this curse. Why can't I express my feelings without being...
    quorker quorker 26-30, F 2 Responses Jan 2

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    63rd post. Now I'm going to start delving into

    the issues that have caused me the most anxiety over the years, and which I believe have led to who I am today. Firstly I will talk about my weight issues, or my body confidence. Actually I should say my lack of body confidence. Over the years I have looked at myself quite...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 1 Response Dec 23, 2014

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    ive been searching for an exit

    but ive been lost inside my head. sometimes i really wonder if its worth it anymore. ha! its funny honestly, i wish for someone to tell me that im not undone but truly, i really am. i spend every waking moment wishing that this could all be over. i dont want someone to help me...
    stillbroken17 stillbroken17 16-17, F 2 Responses May 1

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    61st post. Just walked up to the doorway of the

    guest bedroom. Stood staring at him as he slept peacefully. He was softly snoring and I just stood there looking at him. A million thoughts went through my head. I wanted to end his life, because in my heart I knew it was either me or him. I knew in a few short minutes if I...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 2 Responses Dec 20, 2014

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    67th post...Helloooo world.

    Deliriously happy today. The world is a beautiful place and I can't stop smiling. Like I've said before would like to bottle up these feelings. They would be priceless. Generally speaking my feelings of wanting to end my life have halved in the recent weeks. I am no longer in...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 3 Responses Dec 26, 2014

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    THOUGHTS OF SEEING AN AFTERLIFE WITH NO PAIN IS

    SO BEAUTIFUL. SO I SAY **** LIFE ALOT!!
    lovelinessbathes lovelinessbathes 31-35, M 2 Responses Dec 31, 2014

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    Wishing I Was Dead Every Day

    I am more afraid of failing and ending up in hospital where they will surely lock me up and throw away the key than I am of succeeding and accomplishing my own suicide. The Eagles... "My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim…. I had to stop for the night." rings true after...
    absolom absolom 41-45 4 Responses Jul 18, 2013

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    One Bad Day

    Being depressed isn't new to me. I grew up with a lot of repression from a lot of bad experiences, lived in terrible places where everyone is some brand of messed up, and on top of it, I come from a long line of chemically depressed people as well, so even if I didn't have these...
    SourPennies SourPennies 18-21, F 1 Response Aug 3, 2013

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    He didn't stop me sinning at all

    and didn't do anything. Haven't felt him at all. Feel so free! He let me go and didn't care one bit. So I'll go to hell now. But oh well! The devil told me as a little girl I would. At least I'll be in good company. I don't want it this way but faith is not working for me. I've...
    1lonelydaisy 1lonelydaisy 41-45 3 Responses Dec 17, 2014

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    70th post...Well here I am,

    first day of 2015, sitting in my lounge, typing on laptop, and crying like my heart is breaking. I don't even know what happened, it happened so fast. My legs feel like lead and my body is so heavy, I feel like if I stand up I'll fall down. I feel helpless and so so sad. We had...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 3 Responses Jan 1

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    56th post..This will be my last post on the

    Sydney siege. 2 innocent lives were lost early this morning, as a selfish individual stormed a coffee shop and decided to play God for a few hours. I pray that their souls rest in peace, and their families can find comfort in knowing these innocent souls are with God. Gunman is...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 1 Response Dec 15, 2014

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    Waking up each day becomes more

    and more of a chore, sometime's I can't think of a valid reason to wake up. I'm stupid, lazy, fat, worthless, and can't do anything right. Failure seems to follow my pathetic life. It's easier to see my self dead than to actually succeed. People tell me that...
    xDeadspacex xDeadspacex 16-17, F 4 Responses Mar 28, 2014

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    57th post..I said last post on Sydney siege one

    post ago, but I'm compelled to write one more. Final hostage count was 17. Crowds gathered at Martin Place in Sydney. Laying flowers and crying. Sydney is heartbroken, and has been left feeling confused and empty. Everybody feels the same way, like somehow Sydney's innocence has...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 1 Response Dec 15, 2014

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    Mum Died

    This may sound silly, but since my mum died I just wish I could stop breathing, I can't carry on. I'm 47 and my mum was 69 when she died 5 months ago. I work with homeless teenagers and lately I feel I just have no care left in me to support them and do my job properly. I'm so...
    alonegff alonegff 46-50, F 4 Responses Jul 1, 2013

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    Life is so boring...i used to play on my PC a

    lot to feel good but now...even that is not working anymore...4 weeks without cutting and now it´s all back...i wish i could destroy all mirrors in my house...i hate mirrors...it´s bad to feel so empty but to look at the mirror and face this ugly body is even worse...only...
    anderlr anderlr 13-15, M 1 Response Jan 20

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    65th post.. Totally unrelated

    but I was looking in the mirror earlier to apply my old ladies face cream, when I noticed something scary. A grey hair. No, not on my head like most of you are probably thinking. I have a whole bunch on my head, only in the front area, but I have had them since my late twenties...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 1 Response Dec 23, 2014

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    72nd post. I know what he is trying to do.

    He is trying to come back. To get me to call him and tell him I'll change and ask for him back. I'll explain. I sent him a text yesterday telling him I cared about him and was here for him as a friend. I also told him firmly it was over between us, it wasn't working, and never...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 1 Response Jan 3

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    01.This is my first post.

    I hope it's not my last. I could not sleep last night because I feel like a reject. Nobody wants me. Why does silence hurt so much? I don't know what to do with myself anymore...
    CharlotteTeller CharlotteTeller 26-30, F 2 Responses Jan 10

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    27th post. So basically my husband bashed me

    for years and years. There were things thrown at me such as plates, glass ashtrays, tables, punches, choking, whatever he felt like at the time. Much of it was intimidation, but I didn't realise the worst was yet to come. When he slowed down on the beatings and focused more on...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 2 Responses Nov 30, 2014

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    58th post. I'm back to my story

    and it's back. The wanting to die feeling. I hate myself, I hate this world, I am ugly, I am a doormat, I am pathetic. Nobody loves me. Such a failure. I want to tear my skin off. Everybody is better off without me. I want to jump in front of that train today, and stop this...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 1 Response Dec 16, 2014

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    Life Is Good. Why Am I Depressed?

    I am 26 year old mechanical engineer. I am smart, creative, strong and muscular, good looking, excellent at sports, have lots of friends, a loving family, and a happy wonderful girl friend. I have a nice car, lots of money, and an excellent job that pays well where I get to make...
    superstellarian1 superstellarian1 26-30, M 8 Responses Aug 1, 2013

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    I am constantly depressed now.

    I wish I was dead but I'm too weak to kill myself yet. Hopefully I will gain the strength I need to end this miserable existence. I hate this world at the core, I hate how we live as people. I love children and they're a lot of fun, but I never want to have children because I...
    quorker quorker 26-30, F 2 Responses Dec 16, 2014

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    18th post. For anyone

    who has been following my posts this one is a must read. I am shaking and my hands are sweating bullets because I know this is the truth of it all. The actual truth. I am going to tell you all about the topic I've been avoiding till now because I don't like to talk about it much...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 4 Responses Nov 24, 2014

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    WHY just why. That was awful

    and I feel even worse about myself than I already did feel. I had to go otherwise my money would've been cut completely and I would starve to death. I needed to go. I felt like an idiot, a piece of s***. I felt so absolutely awful. Like a child. Like a bad human being. Like a...
    1lonelydaisy 1lonelydaisy 41-45 Dec 18, 2014

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    73rd post. Today his brother was asking me to

    take him back. Not directly saying he wanted to come back, but more saying I need to make up with him because I always do, so why prolong it. He never actually directly asks to come back but he will create other situations and pressure that I will buckle under. Doesn't anybody...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 2 Responses Jan 6

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    59th post. A few years back I used to work

    for a major insurance company. I had just gotten a transfer into the city, and I had been appointed to the new position of a learning and development trainer for Human Resources. I would train new staff and I would arrange any training courses or seminars for the employees...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 1 Response Dec 19, 2014

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    I have always had this feeling plague me

    since I was a child. I don't want to feel it. But I do. I went through years of therapy and Rx meds. But I stopped it all, realizing I'm the only one who can fix me now. I'm trying. But it's easy to fall back into what I'm used to doing. I made it a comfort zone. When the...
    Ludavin Ludavin 46-50, F Aug 10, 2014

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    Misery That Goes On And On, 20+ Years Now

    I'm 43 years old and have felt miserable for very many of my days since I was 14. I don't get the people that say that feeling this bad is temporary. Really, it's my life. Feeling good is temporary; horrible misery is reality. I've been on various anti-depressants for probably...
    sleeo sleeo 41-45, M Nov 30, 2013

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    9th post. My second daughter was born in 1997,

    very cute, but then again babies are so adorable. Their innocence always gets me. I discharged early from hospital, like I had done with my first, and we were home the next day. As I had chosen the early discharge, a nurse would come by for a few days and check on me and the...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F Nov 19, 2014

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    64th post. So sad tonight.

    I was sitting around with my husband and a couple of family members. He was talking about how everything is going to change in the New Year, and I just sat there listening and looking at him. He was talking about me going back to look after the businesses because he wanted to...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 1 Response Dec 23, 2014

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    Right now is one of those times.

    I'm sick of life. Why was I even born? I feel like I never do a thing right. I'm mentally ill. Depressed. Waste of life. No one understands me and I'm alone in this world. The things I want to happen never will. I'm too weak and too worn out from life. I hate being here. God...
    Ludavin Ludavin 46-50, F 3 Responses Nov 17, 2014

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    66th post. I just wanna wish every single one

    of you amazing people out there a very Merry Christmas. Don't ever lose hope because you never know what is around the corner. Please be kind to one another, because you just might change someone's life!!
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 1 Response Dec 24, 2014

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    62nd post. Well here I am again,

    and I live to see another day. Nobody killed me and I didn't kill anybody, and I guess today I feel like it was all just a dream. It's easy to forget when that's all you're trying to do. Today there was all sorts of drama with other family members, and I sat there thinking was...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 1 Response Dec 21, 2014

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    68th post. What is this feeling?

    It's back again, the dread and hollowness inside. I don't understand why..I was starting to feel better. Today it's here with a vengeance. I feel like I'm swimming in dark murky waters. Little vines on the bottom of the water bed are grabbing at my ankles, trying to stop be from...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 1 Response Dec 29, 2014

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    60th post. I hope everyone takes the time to

    read this post. This happened about half an hour ago, but let me start at the beginning. It's Sunday 2.20am when I started writing this post. A few hours ago he went out to dinner with his sister, my brother and my brothers family. He didn't even bother asking me to go and I...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 3 Responses Dec 20, 2014

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