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I Wish I Was Dead Most of the Time

Personal Stories, Advice, and Support 647 People

    Why I Need Therapy Life is a miserable thing,

    a constant succession of assaults, minor or major, that assails one without respite or remorse. Fully aware that other people, societies, or nations have it worse in many respects, I still feel pain inexhaustible. Most of my worst experiences, some repressed or otherwise...
    SourPennies SourPennies 18-21, T 3 Responses Aug 10

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    I have always had this feeling plague me

    since I was a child. I don't want to feel it. But I do. I went through years of therapy and Rx meds. But I stopped it all, realizing I'm the only one who can fix me now. I'm trying. But it's easy to fall back into what I'm used to doing. I made it a comfort zone. When the...
    Ludavin Ludavin 46-50, F Aug 10

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    62nd post. Well here I am again,

    and I live to see another day. Nobody killed me and I didn't kill anybody, and I guess today I feel like it was all just a dream. It's easy to forget when that's all you're trying to do. Today there was all sorts of drama with other family members, and I sat there thinking was...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 2 hrs ago

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    39th post. Snap. Good mood today,

    and I wonder where it has been hiding. Feel amazing, on top of the world. Goodbye yucky stuff, hello sunshine :)..I read my last two posts over again. What was I thinking, my goodness, bring out the pity party already. I don't like playing the pity card, in fact I hate it. I...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 2 Responses Dec 8

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    45th post. Totally unrelated to my story,

    but Sydney is under siege. I'm currently watching the news and it appears there will be a violent terrorist attack today. Hostages of about 13 people have been taken in a cafe in Martin Place Sydney, with suspicious packages being dropped off at key places in our CBD. The...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 1 Response 6 days ago

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    Right now is one of those times.

    I'm sick of life. Why was I even born? I feel like I never do a thing right. I'm mentally ill. Depressed. Waste of life. No one understands me and I'm alone in this world. The things I want to happen never will. I'm too weak and too worn out from life. I hate being here. God...
    Ludavin Ludavin 46-50, F 3 Responses Nov 17

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    Waking up each day becomes more

    and more of a chore, sometime's I can't think of a valid reason to wake up. I'm stupid, lazy, fat, worthless, and can't do anything right. Failure seems to follow my pathetic life. It's easier to see my self dead than to actually succeed. People tell me that...
    xDeadspacex xDeadspacex 16-17, F 4 Responses Mar 28

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    51st post..Sydney siege.

    .still going on. Latest information on terrorist. Name Man Monis. Age 49. Arrived as refuge in Australia in 1996. Currently on bail for accessory to murder and sexual assault charges. He is an Iranian Sheikh. He sent hate mail to families of dead Australian soldiers, that died...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 5 days ago

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    52nd post.Still on the Sydney siege.

    I just spent a bit of time reading the story behind the hashtag #illridewithyou. I cried and cried and cried as I read it. There are still so many good people in the world, and all we see is the bad. What a heartening story that restores my faith in humanity. A positive to come...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 5 days ago

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    Laurenlovesyou1000 Laurenlovesyou1000 13-15, F 2 Responses Jun 20

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    50th post..6th post on Sydney siege.

    Still no progress and it's almost 10pm. 5 people did manage to escape separately earlier. According to my daughters and the news, social media is going crazy with people giving their input. Comments ranging from get these people (Muslims) out of our country, this one man is...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 6 days ago

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    18th post. For anyone

    who has been following my posts this one is a must read. I am shaking and my hands are sweating bullets because I know this is the truth of it all. The actual truth. I am going to tell you all about the topic I've been avoiding till now because I don't like to talk about it much...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 5 Responses Nov 24

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    59th post. A few years back I used to work

    for a major insurance company. I had just gotten a transfer into the city, and I had been appointed to the new position of a learning and development trainer for Human Resources. I would train new staff and I would arrange any training courses or seminars for the employees...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 1 Response 1 day ago

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    61st post. Just walked up to the doorway of the

    guest bedroom. Stood staring at him as he slept peacefully. He was softly snoring and I just stood there looking at him. A million thoughts went through my head. I wanted to end his life, because in my heart I knew it was either me or him. I knew in a few short minutes if I...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 1 Response 18 hrs ago

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    I am constantly depressed now.

    I wish I was dead but I'm too weak to kill myself yet. Hopefully I will gain the strength I need to end this miserable existence. I hate this world at the core, I hate how we live as people. I love children and they're a lot of fun, but I never want to have children because I...
    quorker quorker 26-30, F 2 Responses 4 days ago

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    58th post. I'm back to my story

    and it's back. The wanting to die feeling. I hate myself, I hate this world, I am ugly, I am a doormat, I am pathetic. Nobody loves me. Such a failure. I want to tear my skin off. Everybody is better off without me. I want to jump in front of that train today, and stop this...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 1 Response 4 days ago

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    38th post. Want to die tonight.

    I have had the most severe heartburn for days, can't get rid of it. Low point once again, and I'm wishing I can go to sleep and not wake up. Wouldn't that be a great solution, then I don't have to make an effort to do anything myself. I don't know what these highs and lows are...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 3 Responses Dec 8

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    I Can't Think Of A Clever Title - Sorry

    It feels kind of stupid to write this. Like: "Hey internet strangers obviously whinging to you about my life will make everything better!" But it doesn't and I just... I can't - explain. It feels like everything is crashing down on me and I just can't take it. Waking up everyday...
    brainbow brainbow 18-21, F 2 Responses Nov 1, 2013

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    Yesterday I Wrote A Note...

    ...and left it for my wife to find. I went and laid down on my bed. She wouldn't't be home for another 6 hours; plenty of time to stop breathing and slip away. I realized no one would be there to hold my hand when I passed. My health has been failing for the last 10 years and...
    Embrel Embrel 26-30, M 5 Responses Apr 5, 2010

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    Why Choose A Permanent Solution To A Temporary Problem?

    reading and writing stuff on a random website can only help in certain ways in certain circumstances . . .I feel MORE overwhelmed when I see all this grief and pain than when I was alone! I wish everyone who is in pain peace and relief I send them all love and hope Please get...
    dispossessed dispossessed 46-50, F 4 Responses Oct 28, 2013

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    Misery That Goes On And On, 20+ Years Now

    I'm 43 years old and have felt miserable for very many of my days since I was 14. I don't get the people that say that feeling this bad is temporary. Really, it's my life. Feeling good is temporary; horrible misery is reality. I've been on various anti-depressants for probably...
    sleeo sleeo 41-45, M Nov 30, 2013

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    Wishing I Was Dead Every Day

    I am more afraid of failing and ending up in hospital where they will surely lock me up and throw away the key than I am of succeeding and accomplishing my own suicide. The Eagles... "My head grew heavy and my sight grew dim…. I had to stop for the night." rings true after...
    absolom absolom 41-45 2 Responses Jul 18, 2013

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    40th post...Wow, it's my 40th birthday in 3

    months and this is my 40th post. I'm going to take this post as being symbolic. How am I feeling today?? I can feel the bad feelings slowly creeping back. I feel a heaviness in my chest, and very irritable. No particular reason I can pinpoint though. Anyway that's not what my...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 1 Response Dec 10

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    41st post..I'm ready to tackle the past again,

    because I'm in such an agro mood. First a little bit on the agro mood. He has been so nice to me for a number of weeks now, not longer than about 5-6 though. Still I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and he could snap at any time. Tonight he did, when he arrived home from work...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 2 Responses Dec 10

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    49th post..5th post on Sydney lock down.

    It is now 7.15pm here and 5 hostages have escaped so far. Police are in negotiations with gunman. Unconfirmed reports of bombs around Sydney. Main roads outside are like a ghost town now..I think everyone has just gone home to watch it unfold. Almost 10 hours in and still going...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 6 days ago

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    48th post..4th post on Sydney siege.

    ..At this stage unknown how many gunmen inside Cafe. Only one can be seen with sawn off shotgun. Hostages held now may be up to 50 people. They are standing up against the windows of Cafe with arms in the air. Going on 6 hours now....3 hostages just released..
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 6 days ago

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    Ahhh... I've been a sad creature ever

    since I can remember. As a kid I always felt unloved and unwanted. I hated my life, my siblings, my parents... I was isolated, lonely and always bored. I created a fantasy world to get away from my terrible life... and it worked for a while. I always felt different... felt like...
    sadnina sadnina 26-30, F 1 Response May 3

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    42nd post...Just my random thought

    and rant for the day...Do you ever wonder where sock pairs go?? If you're anything like me then you have more singles than pairs..I actually have a draw full of singles. It happens with every single load I wash, and it's mind boggling to me. As far as I can tell the socks come...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 1 Response Dec 10

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    46th post. As per last post,

    hostages are now up to 40 people. 30 customers and 10 staff members. Perpetrator has a gun and machete...Please pray...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 6 days ago

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    Darkness Consumes

    Heh. They say "kids are to young to be depressed." They tell us, "you think life is hard now, wait till later." **** what they say. I'm a worthless 15 year old girl who let's darkness consume her. I have been self harming for years and even starved myself to feel pretty which...
    StormyStabber StormyStabber 16-17, F 4 Responses Nov 19, 2013

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    27th post. So basically my husband bashed me

    for years and years. There were things thrown at me such as plates, glass ashtrays, tables, punches, choking, whatever he felt like at the time. Much of it was intimidation, but I didn't realise the worst was yet to come. When he slowed down on the beatings and focused more on...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 3 Responses Nov 30

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    I've struggled with these feelings forever it

    seems like. I hate so many people and things, including myself. I'm not smart enough, artistic enough, or good enough. I'm unhappy with my life. Death seems so sweet to me. Every night when I cry myself to sleep, I think, I can't wait to die. Sometimes I like to fantasize about...
    dakota762 dakota762 22-25, M 1 Response Dec 8

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    I have little friends,

    of which even those whom I have, they are not close enough to discuss my problems. I can't focus at work... or anywhere. Just feel like a soul stuck in a robot. "Yes Boss!", "Yes Mom!", "Yes Sir!"... but really? No. But it's work. It's life. It sucks. I'm just anxious all the...
    BrainDead321 BrainDead321 26-30, M 1 Response Dec 9, 2013

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    56th post..This will be my last post on the

    Sydney siege. 2 innocent lives were lost early this morning, as a selfish individual stormed a coffee shop and decided to play God for a few hours. I pray that their souls rest in peace, and their families can find comfort in knowing these innocent souls are with God. Gunman is...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 1 Response 5 days ago

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    57th post..I said last post on Sydney siege one

    post ago, but I'm compelled to write one more. Final hostage count was 17. Crowds gathered at Martin Place in Sydney. Laying flowers and crying. Sydney is heartbroken, and has been left feeling confused and empty. Everybody feels the same way, like somehow Sydney's innocence has...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 1 Response 5 days ago

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    44th post. Well I'm almost done telling my

    story, maybe about 10 more in depth posts to come, and a few randoms. I've saved the best for last, as in the events that led up to my mental collapse, and impacted my stability the most. I haven't decided what I'm going to do yet about my life, but I know that most days I am...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 1 Response a week ago

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    Ok so here we go again.

    I'm ready to go on with my story. Just for those who have not read my previous posts, this is my fourth one. Anyway, so I was almost 18 when me and the guy I was dating decided we were going to get married. Simple right? No, not so simple. When my dad found out about the...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F Nov 16

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    60th post. I hope everyone takes the time to

    read this post. This happened about half an hour ago, but let me start at the beginning. It's Sunday 2.20am when I started writing this post. A few hours ago he went out to dinner with his sister, my brother and my brothers family. He didn't even bother asking me to go and I...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 2 Responses 19 hrs ago

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    47th post. Relating to last 2 posts.

    Sydney CBD is in complete lock down and has been evacuated. Trains and buses to the area have been suspended and barriers have been set up to prevent entry into the area. I just gave my daughter a lift to work and although we are 20 minutes drive away from the CBD, the whole...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 6 days ago

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    WHY just why. That was awful

    and I feel even worse about myself than I already did feel. I had to go otherwise my money would've been cut completely and I would starve to death. I needed to go. I felt like an idiot, a piece of s***. I felt so absolutely awful. Like a child. Like a bad human being. Like a...
    1lonelydaisy 1lonelydaisy 41-45 1 Response 2 days ago

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    54th post..Sydney Siege.

    ..5 people taken away on stretchers. Police officer shot and injured, also taken to hospital. 2 people have died so far, unconfirmed who exactly they are. Could be more fatalities to come. So devastated. Thanks to everyone who helped pray for the hostages. I think you all helped...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 5 days ago

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    55th post..Sydney Siege.

    .Gunman dead and 2 hostages now dead.. 2 more in serious condition..what a devastating turn of events
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 5 days ago

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    9th post. My second daughter was born in 1997,

    very cute, but then again babies are so adorable. Their innocence always gets me. I discharged early from hospital, like I had done with my first, and we were home the next day. As I had chosen the early discharge, a nurse would come by for a few days and check on me and the...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F Nov 19

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    Life Is Good. Why Am I Depressed?

    I am 26 year old mechanical engineer. I am smart, creative, strong and muscular, good looking, excellent at sports, have lots of friends, a loving family, and a happy wonderful girl friend. I have a nice car, lots of money, and an excellent job that pays well where I get to make...
    superstellarian1 superstellarian1 26-30, M 9 Responses Aug 1, 2013

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    Nurse68 Nurse68 41-45, F 1 Response Jun 20

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    One Bad Day

    Being depressed isn't new to me. I grew up with a lot of repression from a lot of bad experiences, lived in terrible places where everyone is some brand of messed up, and on top of it, I come from a long line of chemically depressed people as well, so even if I didn't have these...
    SourPennies SourPennies 18-21, T 1 Response Aug 3, 2013

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    He didn't stop me sinning at all

    and didn't do anything. Haven't felt him at all. Feel so free! He let me go and didn't care one bit. So I'll go to hell now. But oh well! The devil told me as a little girl I would. At least I'll be in good company. I don't want it this way but faith is not working for me. I've...
    1lonelydaisy 1lonelydaisy 41-45 2 Responses 3 days ago

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    21st post. Well the other day,

    I did something that had me very very excited. For some people this will sound like nothing, and most people do this every single day of their lives and think nothing of it. For me, I spend almost every waking hour thinking about it. I'm talking about leaving the house. I will...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 1 Response Nov 25

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    43rd post. Haven't written

    for a few days, and unfortunately I'm back to being in a slump. Not sleeping more than about 3 hours a night, and my mind is on fast forward with a billion thoughts at once. I'm a Pisces, so I'm a dreamer, and we don't handle the harsh reality of life very well. Too sensitive...
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 1 Response a week ago

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    53rd post..OMG HOSTAGE SITUATION OUT OF HAND.

    .GUNFIRE WATCHING LIVE...HOPE NOBODY WAS HURT..woman carried out bleeding..most hostages out..don't know about the last few or gunman..police inside the building..
    rana3434 rana3434 36-40, F 5 days ago

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    It really is the best thing

    for me to die. I have zero friends, nothing to live for, I'm poor, harassed, my mother's "love" is conditional and I'm obese and ugly. I have no family either. If I died my mother wouldn't find me until maybe the next day or two. If she died no one would ever find me. That's...
    1lonelydaisy 1lonelydaisy 41-45 3 Responses 3 days ago

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