Confessions from Georgia (GA)

I am a gay man who came out to wife and family and now wife is seeking divorce.  I confess that destroying our marriage and making my family unhappy is damaging my relationship with the people who love me. 

I am seeking a support group for men like myself who are trying to find happiness being gay but have been isolated and ostracized by friends and family for being so.

...and I know this may sound selfish, but I'm really having a hard time with it. He takes meds, so it isn't like some people use the term.. "Oh, I'm so OCD, blah blah blah". It's for real... like, wash your hands raw OCD. We've been together for 8 years and it wasn't always like this. I don't know what caused it! His meds have helped sooo much, but he has no personality with them. He just wants to sleep. When he doesn't take his meds, he drives himself crazy... and I hate to admit it, but it drives me crazy too. We both struggle with depression, so that doesn't help either. I could never see myself without him. I wouldn't leave him, but I have left for a day or so just to get away (not with the intentions of never returning). We have a baby and I'm so afraid that he is going to pick up on it. My husband struggles with suicidal thoughts and... the thought makes me want to throw up. I'm try not to break down in front of him because I don't want him to think of himself as the "cause" of our problems. I don't know what to do. I've suggested counseling, but he doesn't seem to keen on that idea. I don't know.

I am afraid that I must confess that I am sick and tired of taking useless **** from my wife and her damn hangers on!! They can all go straight to Hell!! Ahem...thank you.

let me start by saying the confession today is two different emotions (one doesn't have anything to do with the other - until later)

i've been married for 7years.  in my marriage i admit i have been passive and very catering in the sense whatever you want fine.  In the process i was hoping this would be reciprocated, unfortunately it has not.  My husband has some control issues - tells me what to wear, where not to go, questions me for no reason, issues with money and me having it.  These are just some of the things that i have been praying and waiting for him to get help on an he has not.  Now i'm not perfect as none of us are, but I do and have put him and our relationship first if there is an issue that needs to be addressed on my end.

Fast forward the last year for me has been hell.  One my biggest concerns in my marriage is losing myself b/c someone wants me to be something I'm not and control.  Every month in the last year or so has been very very difficult.  The more I stand up for myself the worst it gets.  I can not tell you a month that i have been happy.  I have said to my husband several times...we are great in this area but on the personal side we suck and I don't want to live like this.  He tells me its easy to divorce but in the same breath says we're not breaking up.

Recently, last week I hit a breaking point.  I no longer care about anything and do not want to talk about any issues.  Please note i'm very communicative and getting to this point says a lot.  we do not have any children but my husband wants one here recently really bad.  I originally told him i would have a baby if thats what he wanted, but now I'm not interested b/c I feel like I 'm already in prison with major restrictions and a baby would just put me in lock down permanently.  I've been talking divorce/separation but am not sure where to begin or if this is the right move.  Maybe I'm just scared of the unknown.  I don;t know

To add to all of this my first love, who i have loved all of my life has recently been in contact after 12 years.  We have looked for each other throughout the years but neither was unable to find one another until now.  I knew I was not over him but in life you just move forward when the person is not in the picture.  He is not married but does have a GF.  I thought that maybe if we finally reconnected the feelings would be gone, but honestly they are more than ever, overpowering and intoxicating.  I do not know how to place it.  I'm not sure if its nostalgia or if its the kind of love that is so special it can't be ignored.  I know love is not stupid and its an emotion,but I have never felt this way about anyone else in my life.  This has always been since the beginning.

For the record i would never leave my husband for another man but I will leave him for control and utter unhappiness.  I would like to know if you were in this situation what would you do?  Have you felt like this before.  Thanks

It would not be so bad if she could confess this.  I have nothing against gay people. I have no animosity towards them. I just feel violated and cheated on.

She goes on trips with this person and tries to tell me that it is a ladies out trip.

She and her partner can have their relationship just let me go find a woman that likes men! In fact, I am looking.

I would invite both in if her partner was not so unattractive and she was honest about herself.  If a man did this, it would be a war.

Wow I can't believe I am letting this out but it feels good!

....

I have lost my cousin when I was 5 yrs old.. i remember clearly still, I loved her.

I lost my brother when I was 12 years old. He got hit by a car... that same day I learned that I had a sister before I was born who was also hit by a car.

I lost a close friend I knew for about a year in HS. I was 16. I was the last person he called before he died. I knew he had called but didn't call him back because it was late. I had a crush on him also.. I knew when the machine picked up. They were drunk driving... what if I had called him right back?

I lost my father at 20 yrs old. I hugged him as I got on a plane to move to Germany for 3 years... It was so exciting starting my new life as a Military Wife. That was the last time I saw him. He was hit by a car and he died.

My uncle who was dad's bff and whom was a father figure to me, got cancer. I drove up to see him in the hospital and found him dying in his room. He was only diagnosed for a few weeks.

I named my son after my uncle, my father and brother. John Robert we call him "Jack". All three. I wish they could see him. I wish I could see them.

I am married to a Soldier.  He could die too.

I have 3 kids so far and I want one more. I want them to have each other so that if something happens to me, they will never feel as alone as I do sometimes...

Being pregnant almost kills me sometimes... hyperemisses is no JOKE. Your body is starving... yet still tries to purge...

But I still want one more to make my family complete. They need their partners in crime.

Maybe it's to fill the voids in my life. I don't ever want to die but I don't want to be left behind either.

I am approaching 30 yrs old. If I am going to have one more I have to do it while I am still younger... not sure I can handle it as I get older. But I have 3 kids to take care of now... Soldiers can't call out sick if their wife is too sick to move. Not even with HG. Soldiers leave for months, a year. Year and a half. He left me while I was pregnant with the last one. I had him without my husband there. I don't want to do that again.

What do I do? I think about it every day....

i went to a mental hospital when i was 11  i was harased beaten and evend got beaten up by a kid who went to juvey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 i  was hurt real bad i tryed to break out but i got put in a strate jacket