Confessions from Glasgow City

Living with a mental illness is like being the co-pilot of your own body. It's like having a large machine inside your head, vacuuming rational thought and converting it into poison, pumping it back out through your mouth in the form of insanity and hurt. I'm just so ultimately sick of having to deal with this stuff every hour of every day. No one believes you when you say that you'll bring them down with you, feeling alone is the biggest cliché, but all you have is you and your demons, detaching you from anything you ever knew, your happiness, your sanity, your own person. When it gets down to it you can't remember if you ever knew who you were, you certainly can't now and the lingering feeling of doubt is mainly fuelling by the thought that you almost certainly never will. I wish this manifestation of my crude, childish, unwilling side would evaporate, or present itself physically so that I could rip it out, break it apart and bury it where no one could ever acknowledge it ever again.

I need a drink.

Every morning I wake up thinking about how much better things would be if I was not here, I think of driving off the motorway bridge when I'm driving into work and I think about it all day.  I go to bed hoping I don't wake up again.  Even though I think about it every day, I don't feel sad and I know that I won't drive off the motorway bridge even though I feel like it all the time.  I don't feel sad, in fact I don't feel anything.  Sometimes I've found myself hoping I will be in an accident and then that way my family won't feel as hurt when I'm gone because they know I didn't do it to myself, but then I feel guilty about it because if I'm in an accident, someone else could get hurt too and it's not their fault that I'm an idiot and don't want to be here, so then I apologise to a God that I'm not entirely sure I believe in for wishing that I wasn't here and I tell him that I don't really mean it and that I love my family and I know that they would be sad if I wasn't here even if no-one else was.

Then I go back to not feeling anything or caring about anything.  I have no feelings except for guilt for how the things I do or the things I have done affect the people around me.

I have never felt love.

Sometimes I question what I am actually here for, other than just existing and doing nothing, not making a difference to anyone.

When I'm not thinking of driving off of bridges I sometimes think I could get up in the middle of the night and just disappear somewhere else where no-one knows me.

I am almost 30 and haven't been in a relationship since I was 18 - and that only lasted 2 weeks because I'm scared.

I'm scared that eventually people will realise my insignificance and leave me to go back to being me on my own.

I don't even know who me is.

I have a date coming up and it is the second one.  I am not interested in this person but they appear to be interested in me.  I do not want them to be interested in me because it makes it harder for me to tell them that I do not care about anyone and that I am incapable of loving anyone.  You can't tell someone on a date that you have no emotions unless you want to freak them out and laugh at you behind your back.

I can't bear the thought of being laughed at behind my back, it has happened so many times that I don't think I can take it any more.

I'm sorry for this.