Confessions from Illinois (IL)

I want to wrap myself up in you,to look at you and become lost in your eyes .... to smell your fragrance ,to hold you in a passionate embrace. Takeing you by the hand leading you to the secrete place that we can let our desire run free,flowing breath ,our bodies burn with passion as the first touch exploring the places we yern to be pleaserd... my love is burning to flow from my lips to yours ... takeing us in... takeing us deep.. as our lips meet... my love... my  passion is for you.

About 10 years ago when I was in middle school I walked into my parents' bedroom (where the family computer was) and stumbled upon my dad checking out some pornographic sites (it was just a brief second so I couldn't see anything specifically, but it was obvious they were **** sites). He rapidly started closing the windows he had open and tried acting like nothing was going on. Obviously, it was extremely awkward for me and I quickly pretended as though I was trying to find something on the other side of the room. I pretended like I had never even looked over at my dad on the computer and chatted away about mundane things. He never commented about it so I'm pretty sure he just assumed I hadn't caught him in the act.

The next time I was home alone  I got on the computer and took a look through the history (my dad wasn't computer saavy and he didn't know that all the sites you visit are saved in History). What I found I still don't think I've processed it to this day. Practically all of the sites that he visited were of child ***********, of young - some, very young - girls. I was in utter shock, and a part of me just completely closed down.

The other thing, my dad is a doctor; more specifically, a family practitioner. He sees children patients all the time. And he also has four granddaughters (my neices), all of whom are eight and younger, who live close by and who he sees all the time. I get paranoid thinking about what could potentially happen....

To this day I've never told anyone about this discovery and I've never confronted my dad about it. It absolutely disgusts me when I think about it, but that's just the thing - I don't really think about it. For the longest time I had "forgotten" about this terrible discovery - just totally repressed it and have gotten along fine with my dad ever since. Only in rare moments will it surface in my mind, but when it does it is intense and it fills me with so many awful feelings - disgust, dread , anxiety (about how it could destroy the family/his career/my relationship with him/etc if the issue ever came out),  feelings of cowardice because I haven't confronted him or shared the issue with someone else, fear that his interest in child *********** might still be a problem, fear that it may manifest in real child abuse (although I don't think he's ever gone that far), and sometimes a deep shame as though I'm somehow responsible for the sites that he visited.

Part of wanting to write this confession was just needing to get it out of my system. But another (huge) part is also to ask for help or advice. I feel incredibly helpless with how to process the issue, how/if to confront my dad about it, and how to find out if it is still an issue and if any child has ever been abused by him.

Please, I really need some help with this. This has been pent up inside of me for so many years and it keeps coming back to haunt me.

 They think i have the flu.....

but i have been hiding the fact that

my diet has spun out of

                                       control

and I may be anorexic

and bulimic

and I am ashamed of myself in so many ways

but especially for

accepting their care and nurturing

for what they think is a stomach bug

The last almost three years of my life has been particularly difficult. I lost my mother to diabetes complications and although I have tried to pretend that everything is okay, it's not. I will never get over the fact that I will never see my mother again. Her death was my greatest childhood nightmare and it came true on December 6, 2006 at 4:45pm. I was on my way to the hospital from work to visit her when I received a call on my cell, informing me that my mother had expired. Such a cold, clinical way to tell someone that their mother was dead. I remember silently crying on the bus and people staring at me as if I was some crazed individual. I wanted to scream, "My mama is dead, dead, dead!" but of course I didn't. As usual I kept my pain and my thoughts to myself. I got off the bus and slowly walked across the street on route to the hospital. It was cold, dreary and snow was everywhere and my mother was dead. I remember calling the father of my children, telling him that my mama was dead. I remember calling my eldest daughter and telling her that her granny was dead, the lady who helped raised her. I remember walking into the lobby of Michael Reese Hospital and the nice security guard telling me to sign in. I remember getting into the elevator on route to the tenth floor and getting off. I remember the blank looks on the faces of the nurses on her floor. I remember walking into her room and seeing her laying on the bed with her eyes closed and her mouth open, just like she was asleep, just like she always slept. But she wasn't sleep, she was dead, dead, dead. I remember touching her and noticing that she was still warm. I remember leaving the room and speaking with physician and passively listening to her explanation for my mother's death and asking for a place to still down and think. I remember calling my boss to inform her that my mother was dead and did not know when I would be returning. I remember calling various family members and friends to talk and cry and putting the phone down. Memories of my childhood come back to me. Of going to work with her during the summer when I was off from school. Shopping on State Street with her for school clothes, Easter clothes, books, and toys. Meeting her at the bus stop when she got off work. Of going to the Clock with her, a neighborhood juke joint on some Saturday afternoons and drinking orange juice while she had a cold Millers. Memories of her when I was in the hospital having my eldest child and my mother screaming at doctors, telling them that I was in pain. Of sitting beside her listening to stories of ghosts and hants that her mother had told her when she was a little girl. Remembering how hard she worked as a single, poor mother making sure that I never missed a school trip or a function. Of the time when she was in the hospital with the same disease that took her away two weeks before Christmas back in 1978 and how she made Christmas happen for a little girl who so afraid and marvel at her strength. Hoping that I become one-tenth the woman she was. Rest in peace Ms. Gertrude Allen Henry. Although I will never get over you, I will always have my memories.

"Allen" and I have been the best of friends for almost 2 years now. We spend a lot of time together, talking about everything. About a year ago, I figured out I loved him. And he loves me back. But I've never told him that I'm in love with him because I'm afraid of loosing him. He means the world to me. I still can't believe I'm in love with him. I'm in a great relationship but it's just not the same...

What the hell is she looking for? She says she likes working with me. She says we should hang out more. I text her but it seems as she passively responds without contributing to the conversation. Her status' basically say she's looking for mr right but is she just not looking my way?

there was this chick i loved...one day she lied and said she was going to her covens...i ended up seeing a pic of her and another guy...then ive been hiding it but i had a self injury relapse...im fine now just bored...

I was molested by my cousin for yrs and twice by my grandpa but no one believed me,also by a neighbor when i was but 5 then raped when i was 15

crossdresser  and its killing me    I just cant take it anymore    I have tryed for the last 10 years to live like this  and i am so sick of comming last.   why cant i ever be happy?   is it me??    how do you fight the other women when its your hubby???  omg    i dont stand a chance     

Her names is Chris L.  She has a great personality and she is beautiful.