Confessions from Massachusetts (MA)

I can't do it anymore. School is just distracting me from learning what I really want to learn, and I don't need a school to learn it. I keep digging my debt hole deeper and deeper chasing some stupid piece of paper that's supposed to help dig me out.

****.

When I was 13 and in the seventh grade, I remember walking back to class with all the other kids in single file. There were 2 girls behind me and I heard one say "kick him "the other girl said she couldn't do that. Then the first girl said "he won't do anything," so the next thing I know she kicked me right in the butt. I was so embarrassed I just kept walking while they were laughing. I had and still have no self-esteem. I was always bullied in school by girls and boys.

                                             Stuck101

Actually, quite often I wonder at the severity of my mental illnes.  I have at various times been diagnosed with PTSD, Severe Depression, Bipolar Disorder.  I've wondered if I may have mild Schizophrenia as well.  So okay, plain and simple, I know i'm crazy, I wonder how I manage to get through day to day and it scares me.  Will it all come crashing down on me?  Will i just fall apart one of these days and lose what little I have?

Ever since Ive lost 50lbs my mother treats me horribly. She never compliments my appearance. She met the "greatest guy" (her words not mine) and set him up with my cousin. I overheard her telling someone the other day that I would probably never get married. Everything she reacts like I've dropped a huge bomb on her and she throws her hands up in the air and makes noises. Before I lost the weight she was one of my closest friends. I wish I could say that her behavior wasn't pure jealousy, but I think it is.

I need to get this off my chest.

About 6 weeks ago, my mother and sister cut me out of their lives.  A little back story:  I grew up in a "nasty" household.  My family enjoys the sport of being mean, either to each other or to outsiders.  We cannot go 6 months without some kind of blow-up that is either started by my mother or my sister, and it usually leaves my father, brother and I, and our pouses, to pick up the pieces.  As a kid, if my mother came home in a "nasty" mood, it was surely going to be hell for one or more of us.  My mother would verbally abuse us, and I remember her rants that would last hours at a time.  She was also very out of control when she was "nasty", and you could never know what to expect when she ranted.  Most times, it was stuff you had shared with her in confidence about a friend that she would use to twist around and hurt you with.  And more than once she attacked my father physically - once with a knife.  My father, to his credit, never raised his hand, even in defense.

Fast Forward to 6 weeks ago - My family are all on Facebook.  My mother and sister decide they are going to get nasty with an old family friend about an innocuous comment she made about my brother.  Not only do they publically lay into this woman, they were sending private e-mails to my brother, my wife and me about it, and egging us on to join in.

Now, to share a bit more, my life since I've married has been so wonderful.  My wife is the sweetest of people, as is her family.  More importantly, we have had the great pleasure of raising a beautiful boy with special needs who was born to us 6 years ago.  Although it has been a great struggle, he is the greatest blessing to us.

We have also recognized that unless we take great care of our marriage, most marriages of parents who are raising a child with a disability end in divorce.  This has led us to a very simple rule: My wife and I have decided to keep any unnecessary negative energy out of the core of our relationship, and instead strive be a very positive and loving couple for each other and those around us.  Do we succeed?  Nah.  We are very realistic with each other, whether we are having a bad day or so on.  But because we try, it makes all the difference.

Back to the Facebook incident - I sent my family, everyone, a note asking them to "Please leave us out of this conversation.  We are not involved and do not wish to be."  My family knows our position due to a recent blowout before Christmas where we said the same thing, and for the reasons I mentioned above.  Yet, my mother and sister decided they would instead choose to retaliate against me, my wife, my brother and his son.  We were all dropped as "friends" on their Facebook page.

Now, my first reaction was, "Well, this is just childish and petty".  It is.  And if the story stopped here, I wouldn't have cared to even write this story.  But it gets worse.  I decided, after a few days, that I would call my mother to clear the air.  I knew I was in trouble by her very flipant tone on the phone.  Whn I asked why she not only cut me, but my wife, from her Facebook friend list, she responded simply, "I felt like being nasty."

I was very hurt by these comments because first, I meant no disrespect with a simple request not to be involved, and second, my wife didn't deserve to be involved.  I explained that, because we deal with much raising our son, we simply choose not to get involved in negative confrontations that do not involve us.  I tell her that she may not fully understand our position, but I would ask that she and the rest of the family please respect it.

Seems like a reasonable request, except now my mother claims I am wrong to assume she doesn't know what it's like raising a child with disabilities.  Now, mind you, she has never raised such a child, and I point this out to her, nonetheless, she claims to more than understand because she's taught in the puiblic schools.

As I begin to point out to my mother she's a bit off-base regarding her position (and quite arrogant I was thinking), my mom got very upset, and began accusing us, out of the blue, of playing favorites with my wife's family.  Yes, the Facebook incident was just the catalyst to much deeper anger and resentments my mom was holding.  And it was a bit of a sting, because my wife and I try our best to share time equally between the families.  I even point out that she and my dad get the chance to stay at our house for weeks at a time during the year because they are retired, while my wife's family hadn't seen us at all between Christmas and Easter.  My mother took the "poor me, I'm always wrong" position, to which I responded in frustration, "I'm sorry, mom.  I'm not going to allow you to be martyr about this.  You are indeed wrong."

And my mother, feeling nasty and most likely hurt at this point, responded, "Well aren't you being a hypocrite?  I mean, aren't you acting like a martyr yourselves with all your talk about 'raising a child with a disability'."

I was dumbstruck.  I couldn't believe what I had just heard, and still cannot really fathom it.  I quietly sat for a moment, then said very quietly, more to myself than to my mother, "Is that what you believe of us?  I... I need to get off the phone.  Goodbye... goodbye."  I hung up the phone and put it down.  I picked up the next closest object, the TV remote.  I stood up, turned, and flung it against the wall, smashing it into a million pieces.

I haven't talked to either my mother or my sister since.  I did talk with my brother, and I shared my story with him.  Growing up in the same household, my brother could empathize.  I told him, for the time being, I believe it would be best that I stay away without any contact.  I feel I gave my mother the honor she is required based on my personal religious beliefs, but it is honor I do not think personally she deserved.

I've been depressed since my childhood. I think it started when I was molested. I never finished school . I've worked low income jobs and currently live with my parents since now I cannot even find a job. Even when I was working I woke up depressed , severly anxious or on a good day numb. I have no idea why I haven't offed myself. This time right now is the absolute worst time in my life.This hase been the most painfilled year of my life.I have no one to talk to about it, I don't want to bring anyone else down. I just feel so sad and painfilled all the time, with a few blessedly numb hours thrown in. I wish I could change but I don't know how.

with a man I can't have.  For 2 years I have had an all-consuming obsession that I just can't seem to let go of.  I see this man every day....he is married and very unavailable.  You know how sometimes (very rarely) you meet someone who you just understand to the depth of their soul??  He is that person for me.  I look into his eyes and I KNOW him.  And I KNOW he knows me too.  If I believed in past lives, I would say we knew each other before....I sense his presence without seeing him, I run into him in odd places....our eyes meet and there is this sense of profound connection.   But the reality of it is, I can't have him in my life the way I wish I could.....and so I fantasize about him all the time.  I've tried everything to get him out of my head - I tried dating other people, I've ignored him, I've gone out of my way not to be where he will be, tried to deny my feelings.....I cannot let this go despite all of my attempts.   Anyone else been there??

I have a 10 year old daughter my wife doesn't know about. Luckily, for me, her and her mother live overseas now (I live in the U.S.). Her mother is trying to get me to come into the little girl's life so she at least knows who her father is. But, I'm too afraid to do anything about it. I have plenty of money, so traveling isn't the issue; it's my own cowardice. I am constantly shamed by this.

We got married October 12, 2008, a mere three months and change before our daughter was due to be born on January 31st, 2009. Pretty much everything about the wedding I either hate or despised. I hate the fact that I was six months pregnant. I hate that I can't be proud of any of the wedding pictures. I hate the fact that we never hired a photographer. I hate that only about 5 percent of all the people in attendance were there for me (my family, friends, etc.).  I hate that we had it in his hometown as opposed to somewhere that we both wanted, somewhere I wanted. I hate that we did the whole thing about a month. I hate that we never had a first dance, or song, or that we didn't have any music what so ever. I hated my dress and the fact that I never got to go dress shopping. I just picked the first thing that I could find that would fit because I was pregnant. I bought it at a Halloween shop in Salem. There were very few things that I did enjoy. It was big waste of money that could have been better spent now. And yes, I do sometimes feel that we just got married because I was pregnant and it was the 'right' thing to do. And yes, I sometimes resent that fact dearly.

After all these years, how would it have turned out if we had stayed together?  I think about that question almost every day. I'm sure that I have only been reflecting on the good memories and not the tears but you are the one that always remains in my heart. I meant it when I said 'I do". I wish you had meant it, too. Or at least told me you wanted it to be different. I think you would have been surprised to know that something different could have worked for us. Maybe I am just thinking back to you because my current situation is one that I never wanted to have. I feel stuck and scared. Even through times that I wasn't very happy with you, I never felt stuck or scared. I miss myself... and you. I know you wanted to stay married but live as seperates but that wasn't fair after being married for less than a month. I wanted a typical marriage and I wanted it with you. I know that you really loved me. I've never doubted that. Now that a few years have passed, I just miss you. Scared to death to miss you but I do. I would sell my soul for one glimps of the future. To see if I will ever again look into your eyes and feel that passion again. As I sign off and go to bed I will take my memories of you with me. This is a pretty common occurrence. My dreams make me whole after going through a day of losing the pieces along the way... I love you, Tom. I have, I do now and I will. Someday I will say this to your face. I promise.