Confessions from Texas (TX)

Three years ago, I met my soulmate, of all places, on the internet. We were both 21.

I had never believed in love at first sight. And then it happened. To me. I was forever changed. I would have given anything to stay with him.

He took me to his parent's farm. I had never seen so many stars in my life. It was so heart breakingly beautiful that I am still moved to this day when I think about it. We shared so many shooting stars under the intensely lit up sky. Many people will never experience the beauty that I encountered that night.

Being around Wy was the most comfortable and electrifying time of my life. Just being near him made me feel whole. He sunk a boat one night and I never had so much fun. It didn't make a difference what we did. I just wanted to be with him. Near him. Love him.

He moved on because of the distance. I never moved on. I am dating a wonderful man now but he is not my soulmate. He'll never be Wy.

I still talk to Wy. It makes me sad and I feel like I torture myself by doing this.

Maybe things will change. Perhaps HE will realize that we our soulmates. If that day ever comes, I will be waiting.

i used to talk to my bestfriend's sister who i always figured as a girl who was not my type. about a month before i started to talk to her i was paying more attention, but nothing to serious then one day it just hit me and i asked her out . we started as friends but grew closer. we spent everyday together and when we wer'nt together we would talk on the phone all day. everyone could see we really liked each other. then one day i realized i loved her. but then she said she could'nt talk to me anymore. it was the worst feeling ever. it is now 3 and a half months later and i  feel like my world is coming to an end. everytime i think of her i smile but the n frown becaause we're not together. i love her and have never felt this way about anyone. she never gave me a reason for breaking up. i love her. and i'm only 17 .she's my everything. i always write her. and i don't want to picture myself 76 years old and not have her by my side. i love you, babe

I miss my old life. Yeah we were only friends - we never were "in love" with each other.  But at least it was comfortable. We knew each other inside and out.  We are STILL best friends - if not better than when we were married.  We always both worked hard together and did okay.

And now that we both have moved on, I have found the one person in the world I am crazy in love with. He can be so wonderful and yet he is just there - doing nothing to help us. I can't take care of all of us on my own. I need his help.  What is he doing?

Why do I have to trade in one kind of heartache for another?

This isn't fair. I am a good person. Why did I spend the first part of my life with a hard working man who never noticed I was even in the same county, and now I'm working on the next half with one who worships the ground I walk on but can't hold down a job?  Why does it have to be one or the other?

I am smarter than this.  I make a lot of money. And I just had to pawn my momma's ring again to buy gas this week to get back and forth to work. I'm wasting my life, but I'm too far in now to get out. And I'm not even sure I want out.

there is a oby in my school that i like his name is josh.im scared to tell him i like him .dose that mean im weak?

I cautiously walked up to the table, unsure if I joined the right school. As you looked up from your papers...I simultaneously forgot to breath. Your eyes were the first thing I noticed...then your bold locks of curls...and your subtle smile. Fear of ridicule proved to be my only protection for it prevented me from buckling to my knees. If Cicero was right when he said, "The countenance is the portrait of the soul, and the eyes mark its intentions," I have yet to see your anything soul less than lovely.

well i move in at the first of the month and i'm gonna have a big party with all the goods

I accidently broke an hourglass yesterday.

Two years ago, my father was Better.

He moved, he fell in love, he quit drinking, he drastically cut down smoking, he cleaned, he ate healthy, and we planned for the day when my sister and I can go visit him to see his new apartment for the first time. It wasn't quite "ready" yet, he wanted it to be perfect for us to see. He called it his "big beginning". He bragged about how beautiful the sunsets were through his window.

I found a picture of him when he was a teen, and it looked as if he was looking out of the photograph. I thought it was so intriguing, I planned to call my dad and ask him about the photo, if he remembers it, and how he managed to look as if he were looking through the camera.

A few days later, I was informed that my dad had died alone in his apartment....

Extremely unexpectedly. He was young. He was so so young. He wasn't ready. It was his big beginning. We saw his apartment for the first time when it was being emptied. His new found love is now alone. I never got to call him. I kept crying and crying in my mom's shoulder that "I didn't call him I didn't call him!"

Ever since.... my life is poisoned with fear. I pictured everyone around me as if they were about to die. I could not watch tv or movies- for every death I watched was of a friend. Car rides were horrifically scary. Everytime I saw a plane I was convinced it would crash to the ground I was on. My first flight, I vomitted in the taxi cab on the way to the airport. I was deeply and quietly disturbed.

There's an irritating obsession with death in the back of my head that just won't shut up. Something just tells me that death can happen at any time so suddenly, and that the only way to fix it is to somehow prepare for it- To expect the unexpected EVERY SINGLE TIME. It terrifies me to my bones to think I could die young without expecting it like my dad.

It got worse.

I developed panic attacks. My heart starts beating out of control, my chest and throat feel like they're closing, and my eyesight gets blurry and dizzy as if drunk.

I've impulsively moved across the country when my boyfriend (now ex) moved to another state.. no one knows that the real reason is so I could be with my boyfriend "when I die". I've watched my death in my head hundreds of times and I relate it to my current life situations, anything that could go wrong. Even taking a aspirin for cramps has even become a problem for my catastrophic mind, and no one knows it.

And it got even worse.

I am now partially convinced that I will die soon. Except soon has been lasting for 2 years. I say partially because I am a rational person and I can see through clear eyes that this is not right at ALL and I'm experiencing irrational fear. But still, the irrational fear does not go away. I understand anxiety, I understand science, and I've taken several classes on psychology (even considered it as a major). But any kind of predictions like astrology or supersticion, taints my subconscious with fear. But I still feel compulsed to hear the predictions because "anything could happen".

And no one knows! I don't say the details but I briefly told my family, that I'm terrified of death. They tell me everyone dies at one point, and we both know that. But I could never tell them the inner thoughts because for sure they would think I've gone crazy. Hell, I think I've gone crazy! It's like an ongoing Final Destination movie in the back of my head. I tell people that I'm having anxiety, but I lie and say I don't know why. I know I need to talk to someone but if I talk to my friends I know that their image of me is going to change. I guess dignity gets in the way. I don't want them to think I'm losing it.

Somehow its become twisted and i think it protects me to "expect" my death. I want to talk to a professional, but I don't want people to find out and think I'm unstable. I want to quietly and secretly pour it out so it can go away! I'm tired of the panic attacks. I'm tired of being afraid while at work. I'm tired of believing that I'm going to die within the month.  I've never even written this down before so this is a big step. I thought about trying to call one of those hotlines to talk to someone, but I don't know of any hotline for something like this, and if it would even help.

Now...

Yesterday, I accidently broke that hourglass at work and a coworker said to me, "Hey, you know what it means when you break an hourglass, right? It means you're going to die soon, you released the sands of time". And we laughed. And even though I know that's ridiculous, and even though he was not serious at all... I had a panic attack that night. My phobia was triggered again. I am not a supersticious person and I don't believe in that kind of folklore, but my subconscious mind is so mixed. I told someone when I was having the anxiety and they asked why and what happened. I lied and said it was just stress. I'm too embarrassed to say it was an hourglass breaking. This time the trigger was so crazy and ridiculous, it stuck out as a red flag that I really need to talk to someone. The whole "live each day as if it were your last" thing is really messing me up.

This is my first step letting it out.

..Secretly help me?

I am a 58 y.o. divorced woman who is a BBW.  I have tried dating sites many times but men always seem to want someone who is thin even if they weigh 400 lbs.!!  I don't know where else to go to meet men.  I have been divorced for 8 yrs. and am ready to find someone else to share the rest of my life with.  I have a petty face, am outoing and funny and am a nice, normal person.  I find dates but they never ask me out again.  I try not to dwell on being fat when I am out with somebody.  Anybody have any advice?

I want to be happy around you.  I want to smile.  I want to really know it in my soul that you care about me and that you have high hopes that we become something special something everlasting.  I want to love you unconditionally and without fear but I can't.  I can't because you don't spend time with me outside of the bedroom.  Because you don't treat me like I'm worthy of being seen with you in public, you don't make time to be with me outside of the bedroom.  I feel like your *****.  But i dont want to let you go.  I want to hold on to see the day that you do take me out.  that you do display me  to the world as yours and yours only and that you are not afraid to let anyone know.  I want to see the day i meet your closest friends and hear you say my name with the words this is my girl.  The day I can walk into your house with your dad there to great me and treat me like a decent woman rather than him not knowing I'm seeing you.  I want to know that the tears I cry are not in vain.  That the things i give to you are cherished, that the words of love and kindness I speak to you are held deep within with much affection in your heart.  I wish you would call me sometimes rather than always text me.  And if you text, I wish you would do so more often.  I wish you would invite me to join you in your favorite pastime or hobby, I 'd like to see you in action doing what you do best.  I'd like to introduce you to my family and give them a chance to know you how I know you.  I want to love unconditionally so everyting i say and do for you and give you I know mean the world to you.  I want to mean the world to you.  I am not asking to be the center of your world but what makes your world the more brighter and loving and interesting.  I want to rest assured that no matter where you are, no other girl would cross your mind as your ultimate love.  That no temptation could drive you to be unfaithful.  I want to hear you say I love you.  I want to be happy.  I want to smile.  I want to be at peace.  I want you to leave me alone so I can be at peace if you don't care to help me see that you do care for me.  I want to be alone rather than feel empty and abandoned in a relationship that is going nowhere but the bed.   I want freedom to live and breath with love in my heart that is not painful or uncertain.  I want to quit wanting so much.  I want to know I have all of these things and all I would want most would be to love you in every possible way.  That kind of want is all i really wish I had as a desire in my heart.  i'm so lonely next to you.  I hear you, I feel you, I see you, I taste you, but its not enough.  Your heart isn't there and that is what I want.  Not to break it or steal it or hoard it, but to nurture it and grow it and uphold its beauty.  I would love to love you blindly and with faith.  Be able to not see the uncertainties of hte future or the doubts in my heart and just really believe in my heart that you love me back.  I want to love you for the sake of loving and that is all.  But i'm afraid that you will only take take take and that is not fair.  A part of me still wants to love you anyways....because my heart loves you anyways.  Even as I sit here and type with thoughts of you leaving me or cheating on me or forgetting me...love still pours out into the universe for you because that is what my heart knows to do to someone it has seen deep inside and felt the light shine through.  the light of God....that is what my heart yearns for but your heart doesn't want to shine...at least not at mine.   i love you.

Sigh....how can a marriage get help if the other person refuses to go to a counselor and refuses to discuss the marriage with his pychiatrist of 5+ years?  Currently I am receiving the silent treatment... but you know.... it has been peaceful.  I wonder what the next shoe to drop will be?