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This depression feeling. Whatever it is, I hope it's *something* treatable. Because it's there; there's no changing that. At least, if it's bipolar or if it's thyroid problems, I'd be able to get help to control it. If not, then what? Am I to sit and mope around all day, such that not even writing out a mathematical proof can cheer me up? I don't feel like myself at all, and it sucks. I don't know what went wrong when, and now I'm paying the price for that. And of course these problems would have to manifest itself the final year of high school. I dun goofed so badly in 10th and 11th grade, and I feel worthless--I'm no better than any other math-oriented person out there. And then there are the people that treat me like an intellectually-special-snowflake, and set expectations for and of me that I can't achieve. I'm sorry to sound all mopey, but that's just how I feel right now, and how I've been feeling all summer... I feel it's too late to salvage the train wreck I've become...
MathematicallyMindedFractal MathematicallyMindedFractal 16-17, F 2 Answers Aug 25 in Health

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Apparently treatments for PTSDs help reduce depression a great deal. You may also have an ADHD

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Of course I have ADHD. That I don't even need a professional diagnosis to determine--either way, the doctor put me on meds for that, so all is good. But ADHD doesn't really trigger *depression* or things like that... :/ I've never felt this hopeless before in my life...

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Intelligence is highly valued. College will be different.

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But Princeton will hate my GPA ;_;

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It's never as simple as having the best GPA. That is important but good colleges want someone who will "fit" in there also. Find some alumni to talk to. When I feel overwhelmed, it helps just to have a plan. To do something. You are brilliant - this is just like any other problem you've had to solve.

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This is far from any other problem I've solved. If I don't score really well on this upcoming SAT, they probably won't even care to read my resume. And even if they did, I don't have anything physical to show them... and how the hell am I going to get in contact with alumni within the next one and half months? The deadline is November 1 for Early Admission, and I'm just about ready to cry because I screwed up everything in life. Everything my hopes and dreams were made of rested on me going to an Ivy League college, specifically Princeton. Oh, for most other people, not getting into the college of their dreams isn't a big deal--but that's because not everyone else's hopes and dreams lie primarily to entirely in academia. The rest of my life would be meaningless ;_;

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This problem has far more variables than a simple math problem. And, the results are not so easily quantified. But, it is the same kind of thing. The worst thing is you won't get into Princeton. It's not the end of the world but I know it seems like it and I don't mean to belittle your feelings. The people on those admissions boards are just people, too. They can be affected. Appeal to them - as yourself. Don't be whiny - just explain your goals and why you need this - be as objectively passionate as you can. In the end, if it isn't enough, at least you won't have to live with yourself knowing you didn't try every single thing you could.

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But to me, not getting into Princeton *is* the end of the world... to a math major, it is ;_;

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I get what you're saying. What you need is a paradigm shift and, unfortunately, it will probably happen with or without your permission. I am truly sorry for that.

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What I need is... something amazing.
Something that sets me apart from the other kids.
To show the colleges that I really am mathematically minded.
I was thinking via YouTube videos.
Or proofs to these two math theories I've developed.
But it makes me wonder--what if the videos aren't good enough?
What if the stuff in those proofs already exists?
:c

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Even if the proofs already exist, you will still get a lot of credit for having figured it out on your own - at your age. For college, you really do have to sell yourself - and it is a lot more important than many job opportunities in life since this is it. Show them what you got - and that you are more motivated and willing to do whatever it takes. And, to do that well, you have to believe in yourself or at least be able to fake it well enough to fool a bunch of geniuses. :)

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Still, what would I write on my resume? I've been told by multiple professors that colleges don't really care about those sorts of things if you weren't supervised by a professor that looked over your work :c

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Most professors really do want students to succeed. Find someone local (or online, if necessary) to help you, if that's what you need. I promise you can find a math professor to help you out - hopefully someone in your chosen field. Just get out there and make it happen.

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I tried doing that... the only guy in my field is this really big-named guy, who (reasonably) doesn't want to do stuff with me because he won't receive hours for it. And to do anything with him would cost 100 dollars an hour, and with my ADHD and all, that's... that's not...

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You just need someone qualified to check your work (okay, it's more complicated than that, but same idea) - at university, peer review is extremely important. It doesn't have to be the greatest person - but, you need someone.

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Hmm...
Maybe... maybe some forums...

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Yes - exactly. Math doesn't have many females in it - so, they're going to automatically want to help you succeed. That includes Princeton's admission's board, too.

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Still though... I have this haunting feeling that something's gonna screw over real badly... and a haunting feeling that something really bad is gonna happen in January... :S

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Fear is normal - but don't ever let it stop you from going after what you want.

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Yes, but typically when I feel apprehension about something... there really is something up :S

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Something is up. A life-changing moment. Even if it goes perfectly, it will still create anxiety. And... you're smart enough to know the truth of self-fulfilling prophecies. Right now, the point is doing everything you can to succeed. You can't control outside influences.

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The overused Portal quote, the cake is a lie, means something. It's come to mean that no matter how hard you work, you're not gonna reach the goal, or that you're working towards an unattainable goal... and that's what I feel like I'm doing right now.

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I'm familiar with that quote. :) It's true for that game but, out here, your success isn't determined by a psychopathic robot... I think. Just you. I think it will be hard for you to truly believe in yourself until you prove - to you - than you can succeed. Until then, do what every other adult does - fake it.

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Perhaps a psychopathic robot doesn't rule my life, but a data- and test-obsessed agency does determine my future...

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^.^ Point to you. But, the answer is still the same.

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In a lot of ways, my life feels so much like Portal that I might as well wear my full costume all the time. Day after day, a rather corrupt corporation forces us to complete repetitive tasks, making us take tests after tests after tests. Few people break through this system successfully, and eventually end up in a sort of limbo from which they're soon forgotten. Then there are the select few individuals that break this mold, and survive the corporation's tasks for them with the best test scores and the best times and stuff like that. Only here, you only have one life to play the entire game with, and you can't reset the game. Twelve test chambers, and I spent part of the tenth in an endless Portal loop (on a side note, my failure was almost directly caused by a Portal obsession), and cowering in a corner for much of the eleventh because my Companion Cube got hurt and I simply couldn't solve the test until Cubey got all fixed up... now in the last test chamber... but... there's just so much to do in this test chamber. So. Much. To. Do. At this moment, I stand at the entry door, scanning its layout, trying to figure out what to do... but there's simply so much to handle, and with the impending sense of failure hurting my optimism, I'm stuck in a latch... :I

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The hardest part is learning to compartmentalize. If you consider every possibility at once, you will definitely be overwhelmed. Look at the first problem, solve it and tuck it away; move onto the next one, and so on. There will be times when you have to back track - just handle them the same way. Accept the small successes as being just as valid as the big ones, too - because they are. Every large success is really just a cumulation of many small events. I don't know you very well but it's obvious you are smart and driven - and arrogant, which, in this case is a very good thing. Use that. Things become much more manageable when you believe in yourself. And, besides, it's not really arrogance if it's true. :)

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I'm getting a larger input than I can possibly output in the state I'm in... things are piling up. Big time :I I feel utterly stupid. There are other kids taking all APs this year (I'm taking 4... should have taken AP Econ too, since it seems very very easy, ehehe), and they seem to be having little to no problem... since they don't have ADHD. I'm only slightly above average... :c IDK... *facedesk*

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Most people who are actually the smartest ones, tend to think they're about average. Why? Because many things that seem so easy to others are very difficult for them. But people with high IQ's do not think the way other people do. Being very good in math almost certainly puts you in that category. Having ADHD does make things harder, that is true. But, you are clearly driven enough to overcome it - you have been. Don't ever settle for something out of fear. No one ever knows what he/she is really capable of until tested. There are a lot of state tests, sure, but, the real test - is this right here. The fear.

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I'm that person that took a month to understand systems of equations when I was in 7th grade, but when I was 10, understood the *rough* concept of what a Riemann integral was. Didn't know that it was that at the time. I wanted to know how a phone was able to transcode analog signals to digital and then back again (though not in those exact words). And at that time, I failed at fractions/ratios. Nowadays, I can't trig functions, but I taught myself most of calculus within about two weeks time. Sort of. But I've never understood why I get the hard stuff but never the easy stuff. Unfortunately, lot of the hard stuff I learn we never get into in school, and everything is based upon the easy stuff. And unfortunately, in today's day and age, everything's based upon your grades...

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You are mathematically intuitive. So, you can understand the concepts, but not necessarily the process others used to originally discover them... the process most people need in order to understand. University professors are a lot more likely to get and appreciate that fact than high school instructors. But, that doesn't help with the tests. Which brings us back finding someone to oversee your work in creating your resume. In college, you will find many more people who understand you and, with whom, you share commonalities. Right now, I'm heading to bed for the night, but I don't mind talking to you, if it helps. I'll be back tomorrow, most likely. Take care and try not to let yourself become too overwhelmed.

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I'm a horrible test taker :c
And hm...
I should sleep too... :s

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