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My boyfriend and I have been together now for over 2 years.. We both have an immensly passionate, deep love for one another, we are like best friends. But the problem is that he is east indian and is very unsure how his parents will react to him being with a white-american girl [they may kick him out of the house, disown him, ect. ]. We are planning on getting married within the year or so, but he has STILL NOT told his parents that he is dating me, or even has a girlfriend, period. We have argued about this topic MANY times, but he just keeps reassuring me with, "in time my love...when the time is right." But I cannot plan my future, if he doesn't take this step first. Furthermore, I am afraid of the consequence of telling them, and how it may effect our relationship with their racist, intolerant attitudes. Both paths seem overly difficult. On one hand i can't take the secrecy and want our relationship to move to another level. But on the other hand, I don't want to run the risk of his parents tearing us apart with their backwards stigmas. Please help...
Ztraceny Ztraceny 18-21, F 21 Answers Jun 4, 2010

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That'd be it for me, bye bye

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Looks to me like you can do one of two things: either embrace his cultural point of view and let him play this however he likes, and ignore the whole thing,



or you can decide to be very american about the whole thing, demand that he introduce you to his parents and try to brazen it out.



Being gay, I have a little different view of relationships: I'm not in love with his family or his relatives, or who he works with, or his friends, or anyone else in his life. I am in the love with the man, and hopefully he loves me back. If he does, I can be big enough to give him enough space to have me and his family, and I don't feel like I need to shove my presence on them. They aren't my issue unless he makes them my issue or unless they make themselves my issue by trying to interfere.



Even if we adopted children, and his family wanted to be involved in their upbringing, all I would need to know is that their care would meet our standards and match our definitions and it would all be good. I didn't know his family before I knew him, and I don't need to know 'em afterward.

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My son's father is indian Punjabi.I wish someone had given me the advice that I am going to give you two years ago when I met him.



Honey,indian men will ALWAYS have arranged marriages to honor family.Your man will never tell his parents about you,as he knows that they won't approve.You are a distraction for him until he gets engaged to an indian woman.My bf never mentioned any arranged marriage until I was pregnant,then he told me that nothing could ever happen between himself and me as he wanted an arranged marriage and that love marriages don't work,and this was after 18 months of dating.He hasn't seen his son,and never will see his son.I know that mutual friends have spoken with him with regard to the baby,and he has lied his *** off-ie saying that the baby isn't his.

My advice would be to have some fun with him,but remember at all times that your relationship isn't going to go anywhere in the long term.I know it's hard,but I'd rather be honest with you x



.

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If he hasn't told them after two years, the chances are he isn't going to. He's hoping to carry on having his cake and eating it at the same time. (ie, having the best of both worlds)



I would imagine that it's the sneaking around behind his parents backs that he loves, he enjoys the secrecy, it adds to the romance of the situation.



Obviously, you want more commitment, but are also aware that that can't happen unless he faces up to his parents and admits you're his girl. Ask him why he's being so cagey about you meeting his parents, it will either pull you together or pull you apart. Either way, things can't continue as they are, because you're putting your heart and soul into a relationship that's on very shaky ground as he lacks commitment!

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i too have thought that many times, the whole, "have his cake and eat it too" bit. But his actions show me otherwise, he has done so much for me and always puts me first in his life. But i think, he THINKS at some point it will be easy to tell them, but i dont think that day is ever going to come.

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have patience... the result of pateince is even sweeter than u can think...

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I take it you and your bf live in a western society where people in your area are predominantly white. His parents made the choice to immigrate to your country, did they not think there was a good chance their son would end up with someone WHITE?!

He is a man now and needs to make his own choices. If his parents disown him purely because he's in love with someone of a different race, he needs to cut his losses and be glad he did. Could you imagine if you had children with him and his folks were still in the picture with that attitude?



Have you asked him what his families thoughts are on arranged marriages? For all you know this is why he's putting off telling his parents.



As much as it will hurt, I'd give him an ultimatum..."I love you more than anything in this world and if you love me as much as you say you do, you wouldn't keep me a hidden secret. Tell your parents about us, let me meet my possible soon-to-be inlaws. If not, I can't be with a man who lets others run his life for him". Best of luck!

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Girl, he has serious issues. He either tells his parents about you or you tell him off.

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Hey there. I don't want to discourage you from your relationship, but I too dated an indian guy for almost a year before I finally made him tell his mom about me. Now I know why he didn't want to, because he knew it would end things for us. He wont say no to his mom and always said he didn't have enough strength to go against her. We were madly in love and in a great relationship. He cries and is deeply depressed everyday but still wont go against her.

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My bf hasnt introduced me even to his friends - and its been over 2 years!!!!! I've read all comments and happily agree with most of them! If he says your his dream girl - show it dont say it! My bf comes up with excuses alllllllllll ... the .... time!!! Its time to end it!

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ps hes indian too! :D

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I completely understand your situation as I have also been dating an indian guy for nearly 2 years and haven't met his parents as yet. Reading through all the responses I realised that until you are in the situation it is hard to contribute with any advise as it is really complex.

Look lets face it, indian families are you usually big and loves interfering (mostly in a good way), it actually makes me think of the sitcom "Everybody Loves Raymond". I have asked my bf why he has not introduced me to his parents, only to hear the answer I'm not ready yet or now is not a good time. There has been a few tragedies and therefore the now is not a good time excuse. I'm calling it an excuse because I believe no matter the circumstances if you want to give a message you'll find the moment. I have thought about this total situation for a really long time and spoken to his and my close friends and I was told to be patient and that they can see he loves and cares for me.

We have spoken about marriage, kids and religion numerous times which is much needed for that first meeting the parents experience. Some indian people believe that if you inrend to marry the girl (a few weeks before the proposal) she is introduced to the family and then he marries her. Remember that you understand the impact of the religion and how you will handle it once you guys have kids, his parents would want to know. I know it isn't easy but hang in there if you have spoken about marriage and he feels strongly about you it will all work out. You mentioned that you were brought up in a non-judgmental family which is fortunate for you, but not everyone is that lucky. My mom is very staunge and also don't believe races should mix, it took me a year and a half to introduce her to my my bf, needless to say she does not want to accept it. I am confident in my relationship and feel strongly about my bf, I will not alow my moms disapproval to break up a chnace at true happiness. In short, decide how you feel and ask your bf how his family will reract and what to expect.

I wish you all the luck and may you guys be truelly happy and in love forever.

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Ztraceny, you do not like this situation now. You have not liked it for the past two years. How logical is it that you will like this situation ten minutes from now, ten months from now, ten years from now?



Accept that this situation is the way things are and the way they will most likely continue to be. If you don't like that--ACT NOW! End the relationship permanently and Move On! NOW!



You can and will have relationships that you enjoy and are good for you if you make room for them by ending this one now.



Here's a rule of thumb to help you act now: Every month you spend in relationship will give you a solid week of that heartbroken-anguish-stuff when it finally hits home that the relationship has been burnt toast. The longer you wait to act--the longer it will take to recover.

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By allowing this to go on for two years you have been reinforcing that you are OK with it. Why would he do anything about it if you are going to stick by him. Personally, if I didn't meet my parters family within a few months of dating I would end it. It sounds like he's a complete wimp. Culture aside, you're not in India right?

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Be patient with your boyfriend. It is not easy for him to let his parents on to his relationship with you considering their ultra conservative views. This will do one of several things to his relationship with his parents. Force him to take a stand on your behalf and defend you to them. It will also involve a major sea change in his relationship with his parents one that he may not choose to step into until the time he feels he absolutely has to. From your boyfriend's actions, I am quite certain his parents have high hopes that he will marry someone from his own race and culture.



So the question here is what do you want??? Are you willing to give your boyfriend time, in hopes that he will broach the topic with his parents...or what if he is not willing to rise to what it takes to make you happy??? Are you happy with the way things are with him?? If you're feeling tired of being kept a secret then you should let him know that and ask him to make a choice.



Life does not always offer easy answers. And you need to realize that your boyfriend needs to deal with reality instead of running away from it. One of the hardest things to do is to take a stand for the things you believe in against the wishes of the people who love you. This will require a great step of courage from him...and he does need to be a man about it.....because there is just no easy way for him to handle this. Sometimes love requires this kind of commitment and sacrifice or else it is not love.

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The sooner you "Front" em , the better.



Good Luck.

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I’m more tempted to ask *you* why you have let it go this far without him telling his parents. It’s fair enough to ponder on why he hasn’t asked, but at the same time I think you are fair-game to ask why you haven’t done more and, in turn, allowing it to go this far yourself.



I hope my response doesn’t appear judgmental; I am equally curious about your side in this as much as I am about your boyfriend’s part because it seems neither of you are doing much about the situation here. :-)



IMHO, of course



~F~

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Maybe he likes to keep family and work seperate?

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