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I am passive aggressive . I was raised with a mother and father who did not let me show emotions , it was a sign of weakness. I still live with my mom . I am 22 now , but still see the world as a child , a shameful child. With that said , my mom comes home from work at midnight each night and tells me what to do . She says get me a drink , get me this , get me that whatever it might. Well , I did this for 4 months and a week ago i decided I've had enough , so now I just go to bed early to avoid it . Well today she said to me , I haven't seen you in a while. And all I said is yah. I feel she is once again shaming me , just by saying that. She never really says what she means. I want to tell her it's because she never lets me just relax , i always have to be doing her something to make myself lovable becasue thats how she raised me . But I don't want to fight , because my anger turns into destructive rage. Then I feel shameful for raging at my mom. I've not learned to show feelings.
iplayrs1 iplayrs1 18-21 2 Answers Apr 14 in Community

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Showing emotions towards the proper peole is not bad! Some people really don't deserve to see your sensitive mild cultivated side from close, they can really hurt you! That's you parents thought I guess! You should be rough towards few, formal with the majority , and emotional and informal only with those who deserve!

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maybe you try to read too much into things. eh??? maybe that's all she means...

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I gave this thought , too. Because the other day she brought home a pizza and said "I brought this pizza home for you" and then i put it in the ice box and said thanks . Well a few minutes later , I thought about it , then decided what she really did was bring home a pizza and a cake for herself , but used me to allow herself to do it . Let me explain , she has lots of can goods in her cabinets and toiletry in the basement. She admits to being a hoarder. So I took it as , she wants to use me as a scapegoat to bring home more crap we don't need. So , I told her please mom don't bring me home any more pizzas. She said why not , I told her because I don't like them. Truth is , I do sometimes like them , I just don't want to feed her hoarding addiction. - But maybe she just brought me a pizza to be nice ,which in that case i look mean.

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maybe you're the one who needs to be honest and say what you really mean... have you told her directly that she hoards too much and needs to stop???

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yes , she gets very sad, and says I know I am a hoarder , but she doesn't stop. I believe this is because we are both shame - based people. Meaning , instead of correcting our behavior , we admit to it , and expect punishment. It's odd when she talks about her illness. Because she admits its wrong , destructive , and I get the sense she is looking for me to give punishment. I do this too with my behaviors. I do things I'm not proud of , then continue doing them , each time doing them , then beating myself up . It's destructive , yet i still do it .

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hummm.... maybe you should start getting rid of stuff for her... but actually I'm somewhat of a hoarder myself... of clothes and such... but I think a war is coming anyway... and when it does surpluses like food staples will skyrocket... so you may be grateful for all her hoarding then.. idk :D :P just let her be... there are worse things in life than hoarding food *sigh*

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i think alot of my hate and resentment comes from childhood , she was abusive , but i find ways in my everyday life , to find things wrong with her , so when she does something nice , i find ways to make it bad. not even on purpose , just unconsciously. Like the pizza thing. I don't know for sure , if that is what is happening. But since for so long , I've seen my mom in a negative light , I create negativity . An act of kindness from my mom , in my mind , is impossible.

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oh I see now... you don't trust her so when she does something that seems nice you automatically assume she has an underlying ulterior motive.. eh? and that she couldn't possibly actually just plain be being nice... I get it now... but people actually can change... is she still abusive not or not? she may actually just trying to be nice... idk idk her... eh?? :)

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*be

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she could just be being nice. To open up to her again , means open up the pain from childhood. It's the expression ; fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. To once again , let her into my life , after being hurt seems risky. I'm not sure I want that. But having this "no talk" relationship is bad too .

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sigh... idk. not talking is fine if the atmosphere is peaceful... but it seems yours is a bit strained... and that's the issue :(

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there is tension , the vibes are bad. It's like we mumble to each other and we are fake. Shes like how are you. im like great how are you , shes like great. And in each of our voices, is pain .

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why not try being open and honest about how you really feel? what's the worst that could happen??? sigh maybe she really is sorry and has changed.. idk :( forgiveness is a good thing sometimes... not to make light of anything she may have done to you in the past... but maybe she's not like that anymore... idk :( idk :( sorry

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I don't know what the right thing to do is

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idk either... try to be nice but be wary of her??? is that possible?

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im afraid more than anything to say no. When she says get me "this" whatever it is , I just get up and do it . But this is constant. I want to say no. But in the past when I've said no , I get shamed and put down to feel bad. No , means im less than perfect. No means I am human and have feelings. I don't think she wants that. She wants a robot she enters in a command and i do it.

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no, she's your mom and as such your superior... you are in her house and under her care so you are under her command... and she's bossy... (I know the type cause I am one myself) so... that's all it is... but you're living in her house. it's the least you can do for her. eh??? get her a drink... it's not so hard eh??? it's not like you have better things to do then be of slight assistance to your mother??? *sigh* :/ so maybe she's a bit bossy but... such is life??

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It's not so much to get her drink . I get what you are saying really . I mean I am glad she is giving me a place to live. It's just , she doesn't show appreciation . It's how she says , her mannerisms. So matter-of-fact. For example , she will come home , without saying hello ,w ithout a how are you , with out noticing me, she will say " get me "this" " whatever it is. Or she will just say it. Like she walks in and says "cake and tea" - no question , no looking my direction. Just an order , as if im a slave or a dog. If she wants me to be nice to her , she will be nice to me. I am more than a servent , more than a dog , she treats me less than her. If she were to ask for a drink , it would be no problem , if she said thank you , it wouldn't be a problem. But instead , its an order. So, I avoid her. I clean her house everyday , she goes to work , I clean. I do the chorus. I paid her rent money , but now I am broke. So I do other things. I want to be treated like a human. And she doesn't

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treat me like one

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oh, well maybe that's just her way... and she doesn't know how to treat people humanely... *sigh* :/ like you shouldn't take it personally??? sometimes people are ungrateful for things they take for granted... cleaning her house for he is a lot of work for you and one she may not value and appreciate... because she doesn't know otherwise... maybe take a break from it and then when you do do it she will be grateful to you :D cause she'll notice the difference... idk *shrugs*

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*for her

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i guess im too sensitive. If I could use my sensitivity as a good thing, it would help. I take things personally. I like that I am sensitive . I remembering living with my brother for a summer, and each time I did the dishes or at least once a week , he would say , you know im really glad you are here with us, thank you for all you do . And just that little bit of acknowledgement made me feel good. Like , I was doing something good and making a difference. My mom doesn't give me that. But to be honest , she never has.

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well at least your brother seems like a decent person *sigh* just don't expect any gratitude from your mother... she seems self absorbed and ungrateful eh??? idk what to say :/ she might even resent you for living there... sometimes that happens too *sigh*

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i believe you are right. She made rules when I first moved on. She said get a job , and pay her rent. Well , I have recently been diagnosed major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder. I know I need to be working . I keep pushing it off , procrastinating . And it must be very hard for her to see me so afraid of living. And before I paid her money , so there was a bonus for having me. Now I pay her nothing . I resent her as a mother , she resents me for not breaking away from her house. I think this is it.

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ok :/

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wouldn't it be something if she is purposely making the environment crap , to motivate me to change. It might work too. If I can't stand it so much , i will change it .

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ah... it's possible :)

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