After your spouse lies, is it natural that I question things she says?

Asked By: idolno1 41-45, M 10 months ago

I need answers and closer to some things, one of which why she created an extra Google/gmail account plus Google/Voice. Don't know what she would ever use these for. Is it wrong to ask for the password to these accounts, she claims nothing is in them, but still won't give password to ease my mind? She claims I'm trying to control her, but I've never EVER asked for any password(s) before to anything before catching her lying to me about texting another guy through Facebook. So now, I just question everything she says, and now her not wanting to give me the password just makes me seem she is still hiding something from me. DAMN!

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14 Answers to "After your spouse lies, is it natural that I question things she says?"

Posted by Wifeinater Jul 17th, 2012 at 9:45AM

I know your situation well. Actually I know it too well and from her side of it. How to word it.... I've lied to my husband, he knows. I've cheated on my husband, he knows. (not saying she has cheated on you or ever will just going with my case) In the interest of preserving our relationship and rebuilding it in a healthy way I put up and acquiesce to several things which some may view as controlling and over protective but I understand where he is coming from. He's been hurt beyond belief and needs to feel like he knows what is going on in my life. He has all my passwords and I'm fine with that, but I still tend to get my back up when he goes nosing around even though there is nothing to find (it's a natural response)
Now your reaction is natural (given the information I have) but so is hers. I don't know what you guys believe about the mechanics of a relationship and spousal roles etc. so it's hard to say what you should do. I would try explaining your hurt, and your worry, that you want to work towards building a better relationship and having the thought in the back of your head that she may be lying to you etc. will wind up hurting your relationship long term. Explain you want to trust her, you want to move forward etc. Personally I wish my husband and I had gone to counseling before things escalated in my case. So that may be a good idea.
Try and be understanding and know we women are not always reasonable.

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Posted by EarthlingWise Jul 17th, 2012 at 9:38AM

Sorry but you ARE trying to control her, and this will lead to her feeling trapped and looking for trust elsewhere.

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Reply by idolno1 Jul 17th, 2012 at 9:53AM

I don't see it that way, I see it as starting fresh, where there are NO lies WHAT SO EVER. I'm sure she would want the same thing from me don't you think?
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Reply by EarthlingWise Jul 17th, 2012 at 10:08AM

You shouldn't focus on that, but rather on the quality of your relationship in the real world, do you feel happy, does she feel happy?
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Posted by oscarrr2 Jul 17th, 2012 at 10:05AM

Its her account & you are coming across as a control freak.If I was her I would walk from the union as U are way out of line fella.You have no right to access her private accounts & if you tried to do so surreptitiously you could end up in jail.

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Reply by irdumb Jul 17th, 2012 at 10:11AM

so much for love eh?
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Reply by idolno1 Jul 17th, 2012 at 11:27AM

Hi and thanks for your input, but learn to wipe your *** first before attempting to engage in adult conversations.
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Posted by Anonymous2day Jul 17th, 2012 at 9:57AM

If the two of you can't come to a mutual understanding may be time to part ways.

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Posted by irdumb Jul 17th, 2012 at 9:48AM

dude, if she's your spouse and you've sworn to love and behold each other through thick or thin, I don't see what control you still have of yourselves. you should be giving of each other fully if i understand how love goes.
with that said, there's no reason to point fingers. I think full honesty and communication is lacking a bit here. why don't you sit her down and talk with her? I don't see why she can't share things with you as long as you're rational about it and as long as she's not legally bound to not tell you in some way.
It is natural to feel some distrust after you've been lied to but part of love is to give her the benefit of the doubt.

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Reply by idolno1 Jul 17th, 2012 at 10:51AM

I've given her numberous chances to be open an honest with me before confronting her on my findings. She has lied to me numberous times from the get go. If there is nothing to hide, why lie? Just answer me this, WHY LIE? My goodness, it isn't hard to NOT lie!
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Posted by Woodwose Jul 17th, 2012 at 9:42AM

Of course it is natural, and if she has nothing to hide, then she should be open and truthful to you, and show you her extra accounts, however, if she still refuses, then you may have a problem in trusting her, a fact which has been "fanned" by her reluctence to be fully open.

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Posted by thisismedee Jul 17th, 2012 at 9:24PM

in my experience (tho limited as to others) if there's nothing to hide, why be so secretive? i have been the one who is careful where i put my phone and if my bf knew or didn't know my passwords. i never wanted him to get close to or touch my phone or my computer or my facebook. i had things to hide. but i grew up, i came clean. he has my passwords to everything and i to his. i have nothing to hide.

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Posted by MaraChelle Jul 17th, 2012 at 3:57PM

I wouldn't ask for her password, but what's wrong with asking her to log in with you sitting there? What's to hide? Given the past indiscretion, you just want confirmation that trying to trust her again is a good idea. This may be embarrassing to her, and she may go on the offensive about how you should trust her more and not be so controlling... But she needs to remember that she brought the suspicions on with HER actions. If she loves you and wants you to trust her -- and if she isn't pulling the same crap -- she'll cooperate.

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Reply by idolno1 Jul 17th, 2012 at 10:36AM

THANK YOU! FINALLY, someone who agrees that our actions speak LOUDER than words! I've tried explaining this exact same thing to her, but all she says is "you're not going to control me!" To me, that is a cop-out.
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Posted by kayblue Jul 17th, 2012 at 10:38AM

If you were lied to in the past by her, then i can see where you would naturally be suspicious of her motives/actions. i cant relate to this. I believe that a husband and wife shouldn't keep secrets like this from one another and if they do, then there is obviously something there to hide.
my mama always said, "if they lie to you once, they will do it again."

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Posted by 151rby Jul 17th, 2012 at 10:10AM

This is why I don't like the idea of getting married... not so easy to just say "it's over". Lol.

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Reply by idolno1 Jul 17th, 2012 at 12:37PM

Marriage can be a beautiful thing, it's not for everyone though.
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Reply by msdeborah6963 Jul 18th, 2012 at 3:33AM

Yes I have been married and never seperated for 22 years and yes you are 100% right that its difficult to just walk away.
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Posted by robbiew8n Jul 17th, 2012 at 9:58AM

hello, idolno1

it seems that you find no place for privacy in your relationship.

maybe you are correct

........................................ but that would kill me

i need my own space and having private snailmail and email is part of that

i wonder, what makes you need to be in control of everything?

respect to you, from robbie

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Reply by idolno1 Jul 17th, 2012 at 12:48PM

I think your thinking I'm coming from a place that I'm just snooping around everything my wife does. I don't feel like I do, I only started asking about this after finding text (through Facebook) to another guy on her phone asking him to call her. She claimed it was a friend of 25+ years ago, she also stated she didn't actually know if it was him or not. So why say "call me " in the first place? This led me to believe there was more than just one text and she was comfortable enough to ask him to call her. So there had to be multiple text message which she states that was the only one. She lied to me about even texting anyone named , and now she is most likely lying to me again. She also started changing the password to our phone carrier so I wouldn't see the phone logs, and shut down her Facebook account as well. All suspicious activity if you ask me. She did this same thing to me 25 years ago, coincedence? She only told me she was out and about with her sister the whole night, now she just recently told me that her and her sister went out dancing! It just gets better and better. I'm coming to the realization she is a compulsive liar, and now am feeling the pain from that incident all over again. Which she still won't resolve with me. After 25 years you'd think she just would've come clean and said that from the get go. I think her herself has power issues and thrives on having this power over me and she abuses it. I'm no angel either though I know.
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Reply by robbiew8n Jul 17th, 2012 at 5:08PM

thank you for your open honesty .... i truly respect that. it seems that you have a is real mistrust of you wife... do you think she is having an affair....??? or is she maintaining a private place for her sense of self... but not doing anything that goes against her marriage commitment ? seems like the two of you need to hold a conversation.. truly listen to each other. maybe profession input would help.... relationship therapy helps couples to understand each other better. i hope this helps... feel free to message me if you want to talk further. respect to you, from robbie
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Posted by caithness Jul 17th, 2012 at 9:48AM

It is natural and she should be doing everything humanly possible to win back your trust.

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Reply by idolno1 Jul 17th, 2012 at 10:51AM

Thank you, I agree!
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Posted by esterbunny Jul 17th, 2012 at 9:47AM

sorry to hear this, and yes it's natural - don't start doubting yourself now. She has a problem not you....if she can't stay committed but feels a need for a cyber relationship or whatever type it may be, she is toxic and will only hurt you. I don't know your situation, but I do think your headed down a rocky road of deceit and pain. All the best to you, you deserve so much better - at the very least, enough respect to not lie to you, not at our ages - or any age for that matter, it just seems to be the way for some. sad. Chin up pal, cool heads will prevail. hugs

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Reply by idolno1 Jul 17th, 2012 at 10:55AM

Thanks!
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Posted by mikanippon Jul 17th, 2012 at 9:43AM

She is not satifisfied with something in her relationship with you. Maybe you are not paying enough attention to her?

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Reply by idolno1 Jul 17th, 2012 at 9:46AM

I've asked and even told her that there is something she is looking for outside of our marriage and that I want to be the one to provide to her, but if she doesn't tell me, how can I know what that is? Now, I'm left feeling lost about what she wants, or if even she wants to be in marriage or not. She did at least agree to counseling so that's a plus and a start.
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Reply by mikanippon Jul 17th, 2012 at 9:53AM

How long have you two been together? Maybe your relationship has dried out. She needs some excitement in her life. You two should go on a exotic vacation or something. A women will never tell you she's bored.
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