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My husband died 2 years ago next month. I started dating about 6 months ago. I had one brief relationship that lasted about 3 months but now am only dating casually every now and then. Whenever I talk about dating to my family and friends they get upset with me and become very short with me and change the subject. Am I being insensitive to their feelings about my late husband? Have I started to date too soon?
bebitz bebitz 41-45, F 25 Answers Mar 6, 2009

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We lost my brother ten years ago and my sister-in-law has been just wonderful with this. She has kept in very close touch with the family. She is an exceptionally beautiful woman so I know she must have had relationships but she kept it separate from our family. It is only in the last few years that she has introduced one particular man very slowly into the family sphere. He sits at the head of her table now. It is a testament to her sensitivity, good judgement and taste in men that we have accepted him completely. Though, trust me, it has not been easy.

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Take the time you need to grieve your loss. Losing your spouse is a big deal. You will need for the grieving process to run its course before you can be ready to commit to a new relationship. Is today too soon? It used to be that a certain length of time had to pass before someone who lost a spouse could date. These days, no such convention exists. While some people worry about what their family and friends might say, as others feel that dating defiles the memory of the departed spouse.



Be careful. Regardless of how long you wait, you will be vulnerable to people who show you attention, particularly at the beginning. Start out by doing things in groups; and under no circumstances, pour your heart out or give your financial information to someone you do not know well. It would be nice if everyone out there is pure of heart. Unfortunately there are people, regardless of age, who prey on vulnerable people. If you have not dated for a long time, your judgment may be clouded by the excitement of meeting someone new. Take your time.

Above all, enjoy yourself. Meeting new people and being sociable may be skills you haven't use in a long time; so enjoy the experience, whether you are looking for a lasting relationship, or a more casual one. Not everyone you meet will become the love of your life, but making friends is part of the process.

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I think if you are ready to take this step and start dating again, then it is not too soon. There is no rule as to how long someone will grieve, and starting a new relationship does not necessarily mean that you don't miss your late husband anymore. It is just a process that you will gradually work through.

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Well in a sense your family are being insensitive to your feelings. But it's really none of their business anyway.



I'm sure your husband didn't expect you to become a nun after he died.

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My husband passed away a year and a half ago, and I started dating a fellow we both knew and that I had known for most of my life. He is kind and considerate and reminds me of all the good things that a good love can bring. He respects my grief and has never been afraid or jealous to let me have my moments. I am grateful for the time I had with my husband because I think he showed me how to recognize love, how to feel love and how to love back, and if I didn't pay this foward and show someone else what that feels like I think only then could it be wrong or too soon. My husband would want me to be happy and he would have been proud of me for meeting someone so kind and true, someone who would take care of me the way he would have. I wrote my family letters letting them know that at first I thought I didn't have a choice but to just go on, but now I know I do have a choice and I choose to go on and be happy, for myself and for my husband. It is what we both want and need, life is short. If you find it once in your life its amazing if you find it twice its a gift.

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I have the opposite problem. My mother passed away last January of an aortic aneurysm. It was a shock to all of us. In the fall, one of my ex-coworkers, asked me while I was at my current job, to give my dad her number. I said yes against my better judgment.

I've always seen this woman as cold and have never cared much for her. Now, her husband is also passed, but they never had children of their own and he was divorced when they married so it's just his children.

My youngest sister and I have asked him to wait a year before he started spending the night with her. And yes, we are grown - but my niece (3yrs old) is also part of the equation. Since he started dating this woman, he has no time for any of us especially my niece - his own granddaughter. He always tells us to give her a kiss for him and does nothing when I tell him that she asks for him.

Now I find out that the woman issued an ultimatum. He made it clear that he is choosing her over us. Neither has he told my brother or other sister about that woman.

I don't believe he should always put spending time with her over spending time with us. He's missed all of his children's birthday dinners including my niece's and they are tradition, but it didn't faze him at all.



What I am asking is whether this woman is healthy for our family or not. My dad has other siblings in our state and he hasn't told any of them. He is essentially hiding her.

I understand there is no right or wrong answer since the final decision is his, but I am getting the feeling she doesn't want any of us around and he never listens to our opinion. We are his children.

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Hello my husband passed away 7 months ago and I have been seeing someone who is 71 and I am 46 years old. I enjoy spending time with him and we have alot in common with this person but one of my two sons fell that it is too soon and that I am being disrespectful to his father. My husband was sick for 7 years and I took care of him so am I moving way to fast i fell I mourn for my husband while he was alive in a way. Please help me

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Your sons aren't in your shoes. Try not to get seriously attached. Enjoy the company, but with the age difference you might not want to make it a permanent thing. Another 10 years he could have to be taken care of. You probably wouldn't want to do that again. I'm 74, and wouldn't want to marry anyone 30 years younger for that reason. I had to take care of my wife the last 2 years of her life, and it's not an easy thing to do.

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I was married for 20 Yrs before my husband died from a terminal illness....we hadn't shared a bed for 11 Yrs (that was before the illness...his choice)...we never went anywhere together so when he passed there were people in our small town who didn't know we were married...that was a wake-up call for me...I was married to this man for 20 Yrs and people that we both knew had no clue. I started dating 4 months after he died...people were mad...my family and his) I didn't care...I spent 20 Yrs loving and taking care of a man who neglected me (he was faithful though) I always put everyone before myself... I stayed by his side until death, I took care of him and our children....now its time to live

my life...the only mistake I made is

not getting to know who I am

first...you have to love yourself

before you can truly love someone

else... Good luck and be happy...who cares what anyone else thinks! :)

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I dont believe you are dating too soon. My father began dating/sleeping with/going on vacations with a new woman only one month after my mother's death. For the family, that felt way too soon. I know some experts will say that whenever you feel you are ready, then you are ready.

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I can understand what you're going through, my husband pass 2years ago in Oct., and I have been going on dates but nothing serious for right now. I often find myself talking about him to the other person, only when it warrants me to. My sons do not feel I should have anyone but one of them is married and the other is not, I try to explain that being alone for the first time in my life is drving me crazy. I was with my husband for 24 years when he passed an he was all i knew, now it is time for me to see what's out there. If your family can ot understand that you were there for your husband at the time you were needed the most, then they do not understand what you are going through. My in-laws understand that i was there for the entire year my husband was in the hospital, and does not have a problem with me dating they just want me to be HAPPY again. My oldest just want me to do better, just like there are people who cheat do better then what you have. They should understand that you loved your husband very much and that he would not want you to be alone or lonely for the rest of you life, explain that you are not trying to get maried again just want to explore what is out there an to enjoy life again just like they are.

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If you are talking about your late husband's family then I could see why they would get upset. If it's your family then they should be ashamed of themselves. Really!!

I'm sure your late husband would wnat you to be happy not that he is not longer there to make you happy. Cheers to you for doing so well with your recovery and grief! Do what makes you happy, it's your life,, not anybody else's..

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I think it's clear that you are fine with dating and the true question is - are you being insensitive to their feelings by talking about it.



Did someone tell you you are dating too soon? Is that what you feel deep down inside? Because honestly, one question has nothing to do with the other.



Continue dating AND be sensitive to their feelings. It seems to me that if you didnt care what they think, you wouldnt ask this question.

Why does your family have to know what you do?

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I think that you just miss having someone that's why you started dating but I think it's a good thing your family should be supporting you because some people won't date no one after their husband passed like my aunt.

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I am sorry for your loss. But it is not about them. It is about you. Everyone deals with things in a different way. You have dealt with your loss. Now they need to deal with theres. That is not being cold. Let me ask you. Would you live your life by there rules and by what they say. Well then live your life and be happy. They will come around sooner or later.

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No way! That is plenty of time.



Why is it that it seems that people expect women to wait longer than men in this situation? That is bullsh1t.



If you're ready, then you're ready. Don't worry about pleasing other people. It is hard enough to please yourself.

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Marriage is until death do you part. Even if one goes out the day after their loved ones funeral they are not doing anything wrong. I have seen those terminally ill make their spouses promise to remarry and be happy. In a similar situation last year when my brother passed away my sister could not bring herself to go to the funeral. She and he were very close. I heard talk such as, "she should be ashamed, not going to her brother's funeral." I confronted those gossipers and asked what they had done for my brother while he was alive (my sister helped nurse him for six months before he passed away.) You keep those memories that are precious to you, but go out and live the rest of your life. Your departed loved one would tell you the same if they were here. Good luck, God bless you. Listen to your heart and not someone who enjoys gossiping about you.

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Yeah....what Limehouse said.

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My husband died suddenly 16 years ago. Like you my family and friends would get upset if I talked about dating, my job was to raise my kids. I didn't date for over 10 years and now I know that was a mistake, I should have had life beyond my kids, when I did start dating, after the kids was grown, my kids did not see me as a person, just someone bringing in the money, so all kinds of problems have resulted. So I say, if you want to start dating do it, start out slow and careful

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It is a personal choice for you and no one else has a right to say otherwise. My Father was married 13 months after my Mother passed away.......bad? good? It wasnt my choice. You live you life for you and no one else! Good Luck to you :-)

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I think one year is respectable. Follow your heart and the rest will follow. It's really nobody's business who you date and when. People will talk no matter what you do. I dated about a year after my husbands death. People talked, especially my husband's family! You're not going to please everyone so just worry about pleasing yourself. I wish you the all the best and a lifetime of happiness.

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