Parents are people. She's in a bad place and is lashing out. However, with this said, don't think that I'm on her side. I haven't spoken to my own mother/father for 4 years now. I decided at age 35 that I had put up with it long enough. I can have empathy for somebody struggling yet not allow them to lash out at me by removing myself from the situation.
as an afterthought, to go with the "parents are people" some people don't take responsibility for their own shortcomings. They blame others. They are jealous of others. They build themselves up by tearing others down. Some people also thrive on discord and drama, it feeds them. Their own life is so boring that they have to find external entertainment, it. But boredom only exists if you don't take the time to really appreciate life. She's focusing on you instead of her own problems.
*I* was stuck in that bad place growing up. It was like walking into an inferno after school each day when I lived at home. I would say to look forward and realize that it won't always be the same. I always thought of it as pedaling up a huge hill. Don't look at how far away the top is, just look down and keep on moving realizing that you'll be at the top soon enough. Try to remove yourself from the situation and think of why any person would act the way mom/dad is acting. Are they afraid for your future? Are THEY really unhappy? Are you different than they expected (I'm the lone liberal in a conservative family, but that doesn't make me stupid, just different)? My parents were always concerned about how they looked to everybody else. Self conscious. They were also bad socially and one of them had a hard childhood. My point is that there's something driving this. You don't have to like them, but understanding them will help you come to terms that it's not really you.
Maybe I put up with too much because my future was riding on them as you say yours is, but I knew that it would either get better at some point or I would disengage once I got my life on track. I ended up disengaging.
Oh forbid I told them I was bisexual or atheist! It's bad enough I'm not conservative and dared to marry somebody who's parents are teachers (you'd have to know my parents to understand this one)! Keep on being yourself, I admire you for that. I wish I would have learned to be myself earlier, but it IS hard when you grow up with a parent(s) like we have. It's REALLY hard when they do SOME good things such as help pay for college that other parents who may be better at actual parenting can't do for financial reasons. It made me feel like an ungrateful daughter to accept the help but then later on turn around and not talk to them (still does to some extent). I keep on telling myself though that money can't buy love, it's just money. I'd much rather have had the love.
I would not grown or not make an effort to hurt their feelings but many do not think and go about saying what they may have to say in a tender way.
No you wait till you are alone to talk.
It adds to resentment and a break down in respect
I'm sure spite factors into it somewhere. Somebody wrote an article recently claiming that spite has an upside because it serves a social purpose B*llsh*t! One of my least favorite humans is the spiteful person
sometimes parents do that because they think they can change the child.