I almost lost my son due to anomalies associated with his condition at birth. One of my best friends lost her son at age 1. He had been ill but then better, and when she went to the hospital to pick him up, the room was empty of everything but her husband rocking the sweet angel. She was in denial and the family grieved intensely as people brought cookies and flowers. The funeral was the saddest thing I have ever experienced, with my friend throwing herself on the little white casket. Her friends and family gathered around and helped with everything imaginable, from planting a special garden with her to creating a family portrait. She and her husband worked hard to support each other and think toward the future with their other children. The anguish lessened with time but my friend felt her special boy had made her a better person and was at a loss for a long time about her purpose...today she is doing well but thinks of her angel all the time and is a strong supporter of people with special needs and parents who have grieved the loss of their children.
I'm so sorry. There is surely no greater pain. Another friend, a nurse, did not succeed with cpr on her baby and she was never the same. You will never be the same but you will find ways to honor your treasured one and constantly feel histheir spirit
There are excellent support groups that can help you immensely, as well as very good books on the topic of surviving the tragic loss of children ... and healing for siblings if you have other children.