You are a horrible unpleasable type of person.

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No I'm not

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The grass is not greener...Be happy with who you've got, and don't torment him with your wishy washy attitude.

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well if your not sure and he isn't all that u wanted your kinda starting off on the wrong foot not saying it wont work but it will be up hill from the git go so think it over

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Why did you marry him if he wasn't the "type" of man you wanted to marry?

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We're not married

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Oh, ok sorry, I must have misread that :) Well I would normally advise someone that is in this situation to wait a month if able and see if the feelings and thoughts goes away. Sometime when people get engaged it makes them kind of freak out and go into this way of thinking about how someone may be better out there for them, and by marrying their fiance they could be "giving up" on that person.

But then there is also the times when someone gets engaged just to get engaged with who they are dating to prove to themselves that they are able to "be loved" forever, but once they get engaged they see that they just loved the idea of being with A person, and not THE person they got engaged with.

It can get complicated when it is a mixture of the two, and it can get confusing when someone is experiencing "cold feet" before the normal period of most people developing it.

If you can, think of why you want to marry the person, think back even on why you wanted to get engaged to the person. . .if in that list there is most things about the ability to do this, and to do this and this. .and not to make him smile everyday, help him when he needs it, and blah blah, etc. stuff that has to mostly only him or how you want the best for him. . .then it could be how you just wanted to be with SOMEONE, not exactly that you wanted to be with HIM. . .does this help you figure it out at all?

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Also, and fyi, I have commitment issues, so I can understand if you are just having the "cold feet" feeling earlier, and in that case it helps to remind yourself,again, why you want to marry him/be engaged to him :)

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Thank you for your thoughtful reply.

So, he's a great guy. Makes me feel And treats me very well, patient, kind, honest, thoughtful, we have a great time together, we're alike in many ways, we're comfortable with each other and nsync a lot. We've been engaged for one year, plans to marry next year. I know we'll live a good life together. I thought I gotten over this abut a month ago finally, but then it came up again!

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Have you talked to him about this yet?

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Kinda...

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He says I need to decide on what I want to do

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Hmm, that is umm a very odd response. . . how did you bring the subject up and kind of how did you explain it. . if you don't mind telling me :)

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I would come out of the blue and tell him I need a break and that I don't know If I could do this. I would say how much I love him and that he's great but I don't knew what wrong with me and that maybe it's anxiety. After my breakdown I would feel better..

I'm not surprised

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Of his response. Hes very realistic and easy going. Doesn't freak out, drama free

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Haha he sounds like my boyfriend. . .I am a bubbly,emotion optimist, and he is a realistic,logical person. . .Well that makes since his response now. He had no really other way to reply that was in his character, because to him it seemed like you were just breaking down/freaking out. . .and when it is based on emotion it could be difficult for him to see your underlying fears/emotions/purpose for doing so.

If you were to bring it up to him again, you are going to have to try to do it less emotionally driven but figure out what your underlying fears are before you talk to him then you both discuss them together and figure out what is best for you to do.

My advice though, don't take a break. That is not the right thing to do when you are having these types of fears haha I have tried that route and it just leads to more fears and issues. It will probably be more so since you are engaged to him.

Hmm. . .what do you think are your concerns about marrying him, maybe I can try to help you figure out your main concerns or how to figure it out?

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What did you think when I described him and our relationship in previous messages?

No idea what's going on with me. I think a big part is I had a different idea of who I would marry so it's like I'm trying to fight my destiny. I thought I'd marry someone from my culture

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, more money, nicer lifestyle. While my parents love him, I was almost brainwashed growing up to marry someone with education and a somebody. So they set the bar really high

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Oh that makes sense. . .I understand that brainwash thing haha my ex and I were really happy, but it seems one he started telling me he would have to repeat a grade and that his family may make him live elsewhere soon, I seemed to have started to find reasons to leave. . .but I guess it worked out because I am in a better relationship and am not as unnerved or feeling as pressured. . .but even without your family doing anything, you can also just not match with someone who is a lot different than you in the lifestyle category :)

From what it sounds like and how you described it. . .it sounds like you are wondering if someone "better" is out there and from how you described you relationship. . .sorry to say but it sounds like how I described me and my ex's relationship to people and what I would tell myself when I questioned it. . .

Quick question: how long you guys have known each other,dated each other, and you have been engaged for about a year now,and plan to marry in about another year?

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Engaged for a little over one year, together for almost 4. Plan to marry next summer/fall

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Hmm, I would say that it is just cold feet than. You would have noticed signs from yourself within 4 years of knowing each other if dating/being together was right for you with him.

I advise not taking a break, but be sure to doing things you each love separately and then doing things you both love together every once in a while. If you feel more happy/content and don't really think about your finace at all while you are out doing your hobbies then you may not want to marry him yet :)

I would love to give you more advice, but I don't want to tell you something that I don't feel was mostly correct because it may sway your thoughts incorrectly. However, I do suggest you guys spend more time away from each other, but also spend good quality time together. It may also help you figure out if he is the "type" of guy for you if you take a decently long roadtrip with him somewhere before you get married. It will help you both see how well you can support each other and work together when you are together for extended time and in a hot or scrunched car or stressful time. :) Feel free to PM or respond to this with more questions, but it is late and I am heading to bed :) Night and Good luck!

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May I ask, if u were to describe your current relationship to your ex's what would be the difference? You mentioned the way i describe is the way you described with your ex.
If anything, i think we spend a lot of time together, though we dont live together. i sleep over on the weekends and such and thats fun. i dont have many friends, only one that i see about once a week. other than that, i only see my family everyday and hang out with them.
as bad as this will sound, i tried to online date and meet other guys but just can't do it! whereas before in previous relationships it was easy to meet other guys and go with them. for some reason, so hard to let go of this one and i'm so torn. never been in this kind of dilemma before!

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The difference between my current relationship compared to my ex's. I am not sure I can't really describe it. But I feel way more comfortable with him and he helps and tolerates my quirks. He also shares stuff with me that isn't about me. My ex never did that and I was never completely comfortable with him. And I felt like I was walking on egg shells half the time. It just didn't feel right, and we didn't "work" together. We were super similar or completely opposite to the point we would clash. Also with my ex, I noticed other guys and could entertain ideas of other guys in my head. I could never do anything because I hate the thought of cheating, so I could never do it. With my current relationship, I can't even think of being with anyone else. I feel safe and if I try to hide something from my boyfriend, I never can I just feel safe telling him anything, where with my ex it was easy to keep stuff from him because he never told me anything about himself that didn't include me in it. I really am not sure what is different. I just feel more relaxed and it's effortless to be with my boyfriend, I don't even have to think about what I should say or how I could make him smile, it just happens.

"So, he's a great guy. Makes me feel And treats me very well, patient, kind, honest, thoughtful, we have a great time together, we're alike in many ways" <<That is what you said about your current relationship, and that is how I would describe my ex and I's relationship when I was dating him because I wanted to stay with him, knowing he cared about me so much, but I just wasn't in it. I said all of that pretty much verbatim and it was because it was all good things that would convince me to stay, but he was like a poison I was addicted to in the end. He made me feel all those things, but it wasn't healthy at all,in my case. It was a toxic relationship. And I stayed with him for about 8 months because how he made me feel for how he treated me, not for how I saw I made him feel or that we were even good for each other.

With my current boyfriend, he does make me feel that way and treat me that way, but its the idea that I care a great deal about him and want to help him and am actually able and that even when we get upset each other we don't ever hurt each other and just try to figure out a way to stop the pain we see in our others eyes or face. I care about my current boyfriend because I see that I am happier immediately when he is near by,but also because I see that my being with him makes him smile, and I love seeing him smile and that he is feeling okay. With my ex, he made me feel the same way and took care of me, but I didn't care about how he felt over how I felt. . .I wanted him happy because it lead me to be happy, but not because his happiness affected me like my current boyfriend, but because his being happy meant he would be kind and caring and nice to me like when he was happy.

I don't know. It kinda is just a gut feeling type of thing when you know if someone is an important part of you life because you see that you being there makes them happy, not because your being there leads you to be happy.

In my past relationship, I had issues with my commitment to him and hated talking about kids or the future as if it would actually happen, because that was scary, like if I was going to be with him forever, when someone else I could connect with better, was out there for me, I even told him we needed a break. In this relationship. . .I have started the conversations about our future and kids and what we would do, and even asked if he thinks we may get married. It was scary and he kind of had to reassure me that any question I ask is okay by him, but once I did I didn't have that dread I had before. Also in my past relationships I would also have this like freakout about how serious it was getting and start to push the person away or ask for a break or something like that. This relationship, I haven't had that happen once, except one time when we had a big argument and I got terrified and tried hiding in my dorm. . I couldn't I ended up writing him a letter explaining how I felt and how I was wondering if HE thought we should take a break and then got him and sat there while he read it. This relationship it seems I am trying ot fight or just not having my instinct to run away when it seems serious at that I may be passing over someone better for me. . .and I have thought about how if we do end up together and married and we met when we were both young, how do we know if someone is better out there. . but then when I have these thoughts and see him next, it doesn't matter. I just want him to be treated right and be happy, and so far I see me as the hopefully bestest person to be sure that does happen to/for him.

My thing is if you can't let him go, then it's either because he is the one for you. . .maybe not the best one, but the one who has your heart and you can't dare to leave. . .or you two are in a toxic relationship.

My question is, you say you can't let go of him. Can you not let go of him because he means so much to you, or you can't let go because you mean so much to him? If he were to happen to fall in love with some other girl while you two are together, and he is torn on who to pick. Would you be willing to let him either date both of you for him to figure out who makes him happiest, or be willing to let him go so he can see if the other girl were his one?

I don't know what else to tell you. It is a complicated situation and one mostly just seen/answered by your heart. Forget any gut feelings, they can be messed with by outside forces and irrational fears, but it they are because of red flags, that is a different matter. IF you still aren't sure I advise talking to a couple counselor together or ,if you are of a faith, talking to your faith leader for help in figuring out what you should do.

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Thanks again for your advice. you are very thoughtful and knowledgeable and i appreciate all your insight.

there's a big difference when i describe my current guy to your ex. i'm definitely not in a toxic relationship and am not covering up anything by describing him the way i do. it scared me at first when you said you used to describe your ex like that too but after your last message i understand. there are definitely no red flags. you're right. he may not be the best one but he's the one for me, and a part of me is fighting that because with my selfishness i feel like he needs to be the best one. have something others dont. i cant let go because he's the best guy i've met in my life and he does mean a lot to me. he's my bff. we're so close and i feel so comfortable with him. i've never had to walk on eggshells or fear him judging me at all.

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Then it sounds like he would be a good guy for you to marry :) Don't let your fears or "selfishness" tell you otherwise,because from what you have said, he will be a great husband for you. Just remember when you get in arguments or anything after getting married, it doesn't mean he is wrong for you, it just means you two are human and a healthy couple as long as its a "clean" argument. A relationship takes work, but a marriage is that work,in addition to more work and balancing that out while you stay committed to doing that work :) I wish you the best of luck, and feel free to message me if you think I can help with anything else.

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You are so nice to take the time to talk to be about this. thank you!!

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