Can I get over an affair?

Problems from childhood....lack of whatever.....I really don't care WHY someone cheats....That they did it at all, is what matters to me....

I'm thinking that, regardless of what happened in his childhood....he made the choice to step outside your marriage....then, to keep it from you (lies of omission)....then, after your baby was born, even went back and saw her some more...

The only reason you even know about it is because her husband found out...

He didn't feel bad enough anywhere down the line, to tell you himself....

The only reason he's doing anything now, is because he got caught....Not the best reason to be "willing to do anything"....Why didn't that dawn on him, before you confronted him about it?

I think your fear of not being able to trust him again, is very valid....and, if it is his childhood issue....those type of issues are not resolved overnight....it will be years and years of therapy (if he sticks to it)....and how many more affairs will he have, now that he knows it's really not his fault....it's because of his childhood?

I agree with the fact it IS NOT you.....it's his problem, definitely....His problem of self-control....His problem with selfishness...His problem with disrespect.....Yeah, it's his problem, alright....

I wouldn't be able to get past the images, either....I've been there....You may be able to forgive...but, you will never be able to forget....Our brains are not wired like that....

You deserve better than this....and so does your daughter....Good luck.

maybe it is not the fact he had sex with someone else that bothers you, as much that while he was , you were loving him. Normal days and moments where you felt safe and loved. Then finding out there was someone else during that time. Betrayed. Now it is up to you to choose. Stay or leave. Stay knowing that this may or may not happen again. Leave and wonder What if. Sex is different for men. In most cases it is no more than going to the toilet. They can seperate love and sex. But, a man CAN control his penis, and only let it go to the one he loves. When a man is sharing his emotions with a woman. That is a big thing. Staying in contact with her means she is special to him in some way. AND that is something you cant get over. She is more than a female friend. If you stay, you can get to the point you trust him again. But, like any illness you will need to watch for symtoms of an affair and do what you must. Do you want that? Only you know what you can live with. I just ask that you look at it through your eyes and mind and not with your heart. This is a dead cat he put on the dinner table, what are you going to do with it? Eat it or throw it away. Good luck.. HUGS

There is something in the married life that one losses the life, the excitement and the tickles of the relation. That's why men or even women tend to have an affair. I'm not symphathetic with them but i understand what they are going through. Me, i'm married for 12 years and i also experience an affairs which really test my affection to my husband. Well, there is no point to argue about it, i love my husband. However, an affair will just passed and it will not last of course...Well, another experience also is my sister, she discovered her husband's affair and i told her that her husband will not do stupid things becoz of that affair and so i was right...Anyway, i hope you can get over with that affair.. i know how painful it is..be strong, i know u can it will just pass...

It is highly unlikely that you will ever completely get over this, for although it is easy to forgive an indiscretion it is seldom easy to forget. Unfortunately your dream of a life with him has been somewaht tarnished and rightly so. Your concern is justified in the fact that he continues to keep contact with his dalliance. This means that something deeper has transpired.The dangers of risking an affair is the emotional baggage that it creates over time.

Your perception is that your marriage was a sound one and I am sure you feel that it was. You can analyze, seek counseling and examines his childhood traumas if you wish but when a man has an affair I can tell you it is not a spontaneous occurrence. It is preceded by rationalization and justified by some discomfort in the marriage probaly unknown to you.

I am sorry to hear of your plight but the child now becomes the main purpose in this marriage, not you nor him.

Yes, do you want to? Well that is another challenge to be confronted with. It seems to me that your husband is devoted to you and that his main concerns are with you and the daughter you have together. Did the affair hurt your marriage? Did the other woman wanted your husband only for herself? I believe that this is a just a hiccup with your marriage and both of you will survive. The basic and fundamental core question is that you both love each other and that is more than what a lot of people can say for their marriage.

It sounds like your marriage is worth saving given all the good you have and that your husband is willing to do anything to save it.

On the positive side childhood issues have nothing to do with you. Its all about him. You may be able to help him work through the childhood issues. The length of time it will take depends on the severity of the issue but just for you to be involved I believe makes a big difference in your husband's ability to remain faithful.

Also, you are in therapy and if you both work real hard that's a plus too. As far as the images go. I can understand how painful they can be. But I do believe over time as you rebuild safety and trust with your husband the images will fade.

Another very important factor which I didn't hear you mention is your anger. I think its crucial that you work through that in therapy. Underneath the hurt I imagine is a ton of anger that needs to be released in a healthy way.

I would like to suggest both you and your husband reading the book, WHEN GOOD PEOPLE HAVE AFFAIRS BY MIRA KIRSHENBAUM.

It will help you work thru some of your questions.

u probably won't. at best u both will work through it and will go on, with him loving u more than u loving him, and that's not a bad thing... it would be very hard for me to forgive, to be quite honest. i don't think i could forgive it, and i would NEVER forget. good luck. i pray it works out in ur favor.

Yes you can. Is it easy, no. Will you forget, no. Will the images, sounds, be there in your head when he makes love to you again? Yes. Will they fade, YES.

I'm glad you're in counseling. But couples counseling is not the place to work on his childhood issues. That's done by a DIFFERENT counselor in a separate session.

Will your marriage be stronger. YES. Because you will be a stronger person. You will not assume your marriage is okay or good from hereon out; you will WORK at your marriage. You will learn from counseling what your husband likes and doesn't like in your marriage, and hasn't admitted to ("I'd like to talk 'dirty' to you"/ "It annoys me that our daughter comes before me.") You will learn to ask questions during 'reality check' time (are you satisfied with the quantity/quality/kind of sex life we have? (be prepared for no/no/different styles would be nice)

It's awful knowing he still has contact with her; that should stop (your counselor will have said this). You could try to find out what need she fulfilled for him; it could have begun simply by being a different viewpoint when he needed an opinion. My man still seeks out his ex-wife when he just wants validation; she's a 'you're right dear' kind of woman - I'm a 'yes, BUT' kinda gal!

You can do it. You should both do it for your daughters sake as it seems your marriage is too good to leave.

Whatever you do don't forget about YOURSELF!

Yes , but it takes time. You will probably be questioning things more than you ever did before. Some heated arguments may bring up the affair as well. It's hard if not impossible to get back to that original trust level.