My mother was in an abusive relationship (14yrs) until I was 16 years old. I witnessed (and the memories are burned into my brian) the abuse.
I also witnessed the many, many periods of good behavior, counseling etc. You can put all of the stipulations on it you want.
I can't speak for anyone else but as a child, teen and young adult I struggled with feelings of resentment towards my mother. That is right, I said my mom. I used to lay in my bed in cry and wondering why my mom did not love me enough to get me out of the scary place some called my home.
I love my mom very dearly and I truly know that she did the best that she knew how do at that time. This was the 80's- early 90's. Abused women were still lingering in the shadows ashamed and claiming to have fallen down. Blaming themselves for the acts of violence their spouses inflicted. It wasn't like now when not a weekend goes by without a movie on the Lifetime channel about this very subject matter. This is his problem, you owe it to yourself to not let it be theirs. There are a ton of groups out there who help women get out of these situations.
So before you consider letting him come back, please ask yourself this? How would you feel if you found out that one of your children felt compelled to write some anonymous stranger on the internet to tell them how they didn't feel like their mom loved them because she stayed in an abusive relationship?
Do not underestimate your children and do not think you can explain that you loved their Daddy so much you wanted to help him.
He has already robbed your children of having a loving father who can provide leadership and guidance. He robbed them with his behavior. With every act of violence he is stealing their innocence and forcing them to deal with things they do not have the maturity to deal with.
Children learn and emmulate the behavior that they see. Do you want your kids to think violence is normal. Do you want your son to be the playground bully grow up and hit his high school girlfriend or maybe after he is initiated into a gang he can live to ripe old age of 25 before he is shot. Do you want your daughter to seek out men who mistreat her or even better maybe just maybe she can grow up and become a ******** or a prostitute that gives $10 blow jobs at truck stops!! Isn't that what all parents dream of for thier children??
The way he is treating you is not acceptable and you have a right to demand to be treated with dignity and respect at all times. You may forfiet this right for yourself. If you want to so be it. But it isn't just you!
You have a legal and moral obligation to care for your children. You are required to aviod putting them in dangerous situations. Kids have to be at least 40 inches tall in order to ride a roller coaster. How tall do they need to be to watch Daddy hitting Mommy?
You can hate me, think I rude or whatever, I really don't care. In fact I hope that you think I'm a bitter, snide, horrible beast of a person!
I guess my mom was to busy fending off violent attacks to teach me better manners.
no he will never change, only get better at hiding his abuse.
Abusive husbands usually have childhood problems that were never solved sometimes with abusive parents or someone close to them. These type of men display lots of anger towards their spouses and have uncontrolable tempers. They will not changs until the problem that made them that way is resolved with help from a quailified doctor. Be careful not to do anything that will trigger an uset on his part because it can be very dangerous both for you and your family. I would sugest thearpy for both of you as you may be the problem that triggers the abuse. Both of you need to work together if your relationship is to work. In doing so it may bring you closer together in your love for eachother. If a situation arises that you cant handle just leave and say nothing to put fuel on the fire. If any danger is displayed call police and do not hesitate. You may be doing him a favor in the long run because then he will get the help he needs. He will thank you later.
Yes, When you leave him he will stop being abusive to you.
My sister was abused for about 16 years and was murdered by her abuser, who promised over and over again he would get help, and never did. He shot her and then himself, She was 34 years old and left 3 young boys. Set healthy boundaries for yourself and your children. This type of man is very manipulative and controlling, please be cautious.
Thank you Bettybargin, You have made my decision easier for me. I wanted a happily ever after marriage,but in 15 years it hasnt been. now not only my husband but my 12 year old son abuses me physically and verbally. You have helped put things in perspective. I was wishing for a miracle (my husband, whom I have filed for divorce from might possibly mean it this time..."I will change".) I thank you for your input as a witness from a childs point of veiw. I get it now.
Can abusive men changed
Good question. I have been told they will never change but I am doing a wait and see attitude. Who knows. Meanwhile, make sure you keep physical and emotional distance so he can't hurt you while you are recovering. You can't take anymore hits (physical, emotional, verbal) when you are down. If he won't respect you as a person, you just have to do that yourself. Even if it's hard, try.
I am answering this with knowledge that I have gained both through experience and counseling during a 30-day stay at a women's shelter and through abundant research, which I have used to write several essays.
The chances of him changing are very very slim. Research shows that abusive men abuse by choice; they make a conscious decision to do so. It is not because of mental illness, alcoholism, etc., as is usually believed. The longer they abuse, the more difficult it is for them to change because it is a personality flaw, not a mental illness.
It is POSSIBLE for an abusive man to change and stop being abusive, but it takes an immense amount of time and effort for that to happen...they can "behave" when they want to - when they choose to, so it makes it very difficult to know when they have in fact, "changed."
No matter what you decide to do, seek as much information and counseling as you can. Knowledge will help you make the best decisions to keep yourself and your children SAFE!
lyricalongings is right about the cycle of abuse - living in an abusive home as a child is the #1 predictor of growing up to abuse or to be abused.
I so agree. I am getting out of 17 yr marriage, He started the week after we were married, he is in to ****, ***** clubs, and the works, I never knew how much I was lost until it ended. It has been so difficult as I have two boys 15 and 6, he left us after being arrested jan 09 and we did not hear from him for one year, refused my calls, emails etc. finally when we did hear from him he said he had gotten help and wanted to come home, of course wekept hope, however, soon found he had only gotten worse with all the above. He was kicked out of rehab by threatning to kill me and the boys, then we did not hear from him for 9 mths. he came back out only to tell me he wanted a divorce, being a stay at home mom, I have no skills or education (high school) to support me and boys, my boys have suffered so much they are in therapy as well as me, however everyone says, "it will take a loooooooonnnnnnnggg time before you all are better" I am very depressed. He was able to get visits due to our therapist being an --- and not caring, gave him unsupervised visits 2x per week since sept. 10. he has also had a live in girlfriend (which he lied about saying she was a he) He was arrested again nov. 2010 for throwing her down the steps, and her clothes all over their town home.he has continued to disobey the court order for everything. I have spent a fortune on attys. It is endless, not fair, and I am so depressed that they get away with this abuse, and lies, and the women whom have given their life to helping their husbands careers, the family, moving, abuse, etc. are denied of everything!!!!! we are left holding the bag, picking up the pieces of "life" our childen's lives, the financial stress, alone, scared, and depressed. It makes me sick. We are still legally married, he has refused to cooperate, we have to file to get any records, taxes, reports, finances etc. meanwhile he has spent all pension, 401k, he has hiden all money cash, everything. I worry about my boys college, our future, I feel totally hopeless.
I don't think he will change! Once a man starts mistreating a woman and gets away with it, the more he will do it! It gets easier and easier with each incident! Things could escalate and someone could get hurt or worse! You and your kids deserve better! If he was going to change he would have already done it!
Quick answer? No. I'm pretty sure that unless there is a major reason to change or a major influence on him, he will be sick like this for the rest of your life.
It is possible for him to change, but it is also pretty unlikely. Especially since it has been going on for so long.
You owe it to yourself, & especially to your children, to stay away from this guy. If he's begun abusing your children, & it sounds as if he has, it is your priority, as their mother, to protect them & keep it from ever happening again. By staying with him, you are pretty much guaranteeing that your daughters will end up with guys who abuse them & their children, & your sons will turn into men who abuse their wives/girlfriends & children. If you want to break the cycle & keep that from happening, you're going to have to leave him for good. By staying with him, you will be giving him permission to abuse them. & also yourself. He's probably been through this before & knows he has you right where he wants you & is expecting you to give in & take him back. If you do, he wins & it will all start over again & will probably get worse. You can even end up losing your children to child services over this guy & I'm sure you don't want that to happen.
It will be great if he gets help for himself, but he has to do it for himself, bc he wants to get better, not bc he knows you will only take him back if he does. His heart won't be in it & he won't really change, regardless of how many meetings he attends. I would advise you to go ahead with your divorce. If you do & he still gets help for himself, that's great, bc maybe he will actually change. But you shouldn't stay with him & risk the lives of your children & yourself, in the hopes that he will, bc he probably won't anyway.
In a word "Yes", but don't bet your (and kids) lives on it. Give him the opportunity to change, but protect yourself at the same time!
I do not know if he can or not. But if you read some of my stories you will find that some men can.
Quick answer : Yes, if he wants too, bad enough. Strawberry, see if you can find a group on here called "I am sick of my angry husband". I have a few posts in there, so do some friends of mine. There are a few of us on here, who deal with this issue, and we all kind of know each other.
There's never an easy answer on this. It's very personal, and only you know how much you can take, or what you are willing to work with. There are so many people that are so quick to "throw in the towel", or to berate a woman who chooses to stay in a troubled marriage. It's a tough call, that really only you can make, but if there are children involved, you must always be mindful of their safety, and well being. I wish you all the best. Blessed be. By the way, feel free to PM me, if you ever need someone to talk to.
No, absolutely not. Your abusive partner will promise to change, but he never will. You need to get out of this relationship, both for youself and your kids.
Whether people CAN change or not isn't the issue...it's whether they WILL. If it's been ten years of abuse, not just to you, but to your CHILDREN, don't give him another chance. If it was just you, it would be ok to give him one more chance...that way, it would only be your life you'd be risking. But you have children. Sure, it's possible he could change...but it's just as possible that he won't (and I would say much MORE possible). You brought your children into this world, you owe it to them to make it as safe as possible. Don't give him another chance to hurt (or kill) them. He's already had ten years worth of chances.