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He said the he loves me but he is not in love with me. He does want to marry me in the right moment but he does not know if I am the one. He is stressed when asked "when are you guys going to marry?" but he does dream about that special day with me. Confusion! Can someone give me some light into his mind?
starstruck83 starstruck83 26-30, F 19 Answers Jan 23, 2013 in Dating & Relationships

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All I know is, when my husband and I were dating, and we are Christians too, we wanted each other and no-one else. We both knew we were in God's plan as a couple. When my husband proposed, he didn't ask me to marry him, he told me he was going to marry me, and I already knew that. I was only wondering how long it would take him to get around to it. I really have to question whether you are meant to be marrying. If you were, you would both know it and be thrilled to death about it. Perhaps some time apart will clarify his feelings and wishes; perhaps if he sees you dating others he will realise whether or not he wants to ever let you go.

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Before officially dating, we took some re-relationship counseling with the pastor at my church. The counseling sessions lasted 3 month. The purpose was to identify, if we had marriage potential, if we were compatible form a spiritual point of view and as two individuals. We had to answer lots of questions regarding "what do you see in each other, how can you justify that your relationship is within God's will, etc.." We were blessed by our pastor at the end and he asked me to be his gf. We had had our disagreements, as any couple but somewhere he felt out of love. He says he wants to marry me but I don't see the thrill you talk about and it hurts. Its killing me actually. I am giving him space and time but I have begun to detach from him to be ready in case he flights off. It just seems to me that he doesn't love me that way, and that he knew all along but since we were blessed by our pastor and friends, he took the chance. Not because he really wanted it, but because we were approved.

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Your reflection sounds very sane, logical and realistic. I am sorry you are suffering this, it must be a very wretched feeling indeed.

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i think he's confused because of the 'MARRIAGE'

i mean maybe he have a fear of the thought of marriage not of you and i think that he loves you but he doesn't know if you are the one just because he doesn't know how much he loves you

if you love him give him some time and try to figure out if he's worth it

it's wonderful to have someone who love you as you are with your flaws so i want to say do the things you feel that are right and don't be afraid

Be strong !

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Thank you. I have been giving him some space and treating him normally. However, I have started to feel very anxious and somehow sad because I hate feeling insecure in a relationship. I don't know how much time I can give him.

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why don't you give him some times by letting him to go have some fun with his friends and then his mind will be relaxed and he can take the decision about you and him
and on the other side go you too have some fun with your best friends that will help you to feel at ease

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Well, the explanation is quite simply, he likes the idea of having you around but he is not over the moon, as we say over here, why buy the Cow when you can get the milk for free. As long as he is getting all the benefits of being married without actually being married, then why should he marry? Sounds like you have a choice to make, as it stands it benefits him and he is not willing to change that.

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Well this is not our situation. We are both Christians and we are saving sex until married. We don't even touch, french kiss or pet.

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Well, I guess it must be a case of fair of the unknown.

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He is Gay!

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perhaps he is just afraid of commitment, that's all. If there's love and mutual respect between the two of you, then why marry? Marriage is just a celebration to show others, that you two are in love with each other. Maybe, he came from a different culture too, not very religious either - that might be the reason

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We are both Christians and at the beginning of the relationship we made it clear to each other that we wanted to get married, not just date for fun.

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hm... if you two were planning that all along, then I don't know how I could help you out. Like, I'm a christian as well, but I'm not religious at all, I think of myself as someone spiritual, so I would not want to marry, unless she wanted to. Marriage doesn't make your bonds stronger, it may look like it does, but it doesn't.. i think most people do get " laid back " when they marry someone, because then they don't feel obligated to impress, they get satisfied with what they got and they don't want to improve these kind of relationships. Anyways, I'm just speculating. :)

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I agree with you. He was the one how made it clear that "you date aiming to marriage". Not that you are forced to marry, but because you saw marriage potential. I did see in him all the qualities I wanted in a partner plus I had the right feeling towards him. I thought this was the other way around. I don't want to marry someone how is not in love with me nor is 100% that I am the right one for the job.

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or he is having a bad time. I say give it some time, talk with him. Sometimes a small conversation solves everything. :)

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Yeah. I am seriously thinking of leaving. I fear that if I hang around hoping and waiting I will suffer more. I am constantly anxious because I don't feel his confidence towards his feeling for me.

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just talk about it, if you'll see that your relationship has no future - then move on. Really, I don't know what kind of guy he is, so I cannot suggest you a thing. Just don't sacrifice your love, because of the marriage. You know, we sometimes get confused, especially when we need to make an important step in our life. :)

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3 More Responses

How long have you both known each other?

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Have been dating over a year

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At one point, I was him. My boyfriend was talking about marriage, and sometimes I'd find the idea amazing/exciting, but other times I'd be terrified to death of being married to him. I was confused.



We broke up for those reasons. Honestly? I knew he wasn't right for me, even though I loved him. I suspect that is what is going on here.

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He is dangling you on a string.....grab your self respect and leave.

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It sounds as if he cares about you and likes you but doesn't feel what he thinks he should feel to be in love. If he is postponing or rejecting the idea of marriage, then it could be that he is waiting to see if someone else will come along that he will have those feelings for. Maybe he is hoping he will develop them for you.

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If he is not in love with you he won't marry you. I'd break it off. :/

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he wants you but he think he might find someone better

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He is waffling, he won't marry you till he gets scared that he'll lose you for good.

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