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I am no longer with him. he was married at 16, 18, 24. He is now 29 and entering into a relationship with what will im sure be his fourth wife. After being treated that way you become a witch yourself in ways and its been a hard road of blaming myself. But we have a child so I have to deal with him on a regular basis.
mommy81 mommy81 26-30, F 20 Answers Jun 15, 2011

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O my, it's even worse when you have a child with someone like that because you Have to interact with them. I totally get what you are going through. Guys like that do not change unless they get in touch with the pain that made them into the monster he has become. He was probably abused physically, sexually, or emotionally, or maybe he grew up such dire situations that he is unable to feel. Hurt people hurt people. You know deep inside that you deserve better, that is why it hurts. Don't blame yourself though, just try to get in touch with whatever it was that devasted you so bad in your younger days that made you lose hope that a man really can love you for you. You would be surprised how much our pain can distort our beliefs about ourselves and others, and then attract more pain to ourselves. You will make it though, and you will heal, and begin a new life. You are a strong and beautiful person. Don't allow pain to tell you that you are not. We will get through this.

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Excellent response.

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The odds of an abusive man changing are very slim, though it can happen if he is highly motivated. Most abusers are not motivated to change because they enjoy the sense of entitlement and the rewards of their abusiveness. And abusers are very good at blaming their victims; if they don't think they have a problem, then why would they be motivated to change? The problem isn't just with an abuser's actions, it's with his entire mindset, which is one of disrespect. So the problem is there within him even during periods when he is being nice or nonabusive. To change, an abuser must actually rework the way that he thinks. Altering an attitude can be a long slow process because the kind of things that an abuser inherently believes are deeply ingrained. <br />
There is an excellent book about abusive men that I am now reading for the third time. It is written by a man who has worked with hundreds of abusers...."Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It has helped me to deal with a lost love who ended up being emotionally abusive.

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Thank you. Im going to get that book. Hes difficult to deal with when it comes to our son so i guess thats why im trying ot gain more knowledge to hopefully help.

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i suppose it's possible but i wouldn't bet the farm on it.

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Everyone can change.

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Not without INTENSIVE psychiatric help and behavioral therapy. And even then, it will be a daily struggle for them to be self-aware and practice empathy. Most men who act like this have been traumatized and/or abused themselves, and their impulses are protective, defensive, fear-ba<x>sed and all about control they never felt that they had.

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Odds are slim, but it can happen.

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Who knows? I've never hung around to find that out. Maybe at some point they stop being a punk b*tch that beats on women, but unlikely if they drink or do drugs-doomed to fail.

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they can change...but only if they want too.<br />
Mostly they will carry on and like a 5 year old...it will be everybodys fault but there own.<br />
My advice walk away now........2 marrages plus dateing and he still cant work out that he is a <br />
Self-obsessed a**hole....the chances are we wont for a long time yet.

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Only if they have an awakening but i wouldn't recommend sticking around and waiting for it. Them taking your life just might be that awakening. Know what I am saying? Psychotic breaks happen alot.

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He's the one who tries to own women and that being the case he won't change......Especially if he's abused 2 wives already......It wouldn't be a good idea for you to stay with him....

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That depends on the man, a lot of men (I'm not saying all men) usually only change when another man informs them of their error ways and then they will change, but I'm going to be very clear with you, YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM SO STOP TRYING. If he is abusive then leave him be4 he seriously hurts u, then seek sum counseling

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No they don't change.

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He can only change if he wants to really change. The odds are slim that it will ever happen, but it is possible.

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If" I can change....and youse can change....everybody can change." :) Of course, it all depends on whether he wants to or not.

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If they acknowledge that they are abusive there is always a good chance they will. I agree with boonroonru that everyone can change...they have to want to

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I'm just getting back into a relationship with someone who was like that in the past. I cannot say for sure whether they have changed yet so far they have proven much effort. The truth is, any sign of danger or of past behaviors take that as a major red flag and talk to them about it. If they truly want to change for you they won't complain, they will listen to you. So far my man is doing that. It's very hard but I think it can work if they are legit in their efforts. You have to be very smart about it too though.

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Hes been that way with two wives so far. I just wonder if it will stop with his next wife. we tried to work on things as well, but his temper was so bad that even in the privacy of his own home he was throwing remotes through the wall. So I said no. he just says that women try to "own" him.

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