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My boyfriend seems to think its ok to flirt with other people. He says he hasn\'t done it but seriously? This is frustrating and hurtful.
babycakes2013 babycakes2013 18-21, F 16 Answers Dec 20, 2013 in Dating & Relationships

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It is tempting Fate. :)

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Maybe he's just very friendly

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Communicating with people is normal and considered socially acceptable. Flirting is not like full blown intercourse in the middle of the road.

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Yea but isn't there a big difference between communicating and flirting..

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Is there? Please enlighten me.

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Assuming that was a genuine question; flirting is where you are deliberately using one or both of words and body language with the intention of making it clear that you are s*xually interested in someone.. regardless of whether you actually are... as you can flirt but have no real intention or interest... such as if you were doing it to make someone jealous or to gain power/favours etc..
Needless to say communicating with someone doesn't have that intent.. the body language would be entirely different.. and usually the language would be different to.. communicating would be what we all do every day with both men and women.. you can talk to someone of the opposite s*x without any flirting involved.. just normal conversation

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Taking that as a serious reply: Are you saying that internal desire is the same as having sex?

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NO of course not!! What has that to do with anything? DO you even understand what flirting is? I can't believe you don't - are you just being facetious? There IS a distinct difference between flirting and communication.. put it this way.. how you chat to an 88 year old 20 stone grandmother or indeed ANYONE you don't fancy is going to be very different to how you chat to someone you do fancy or who you *want* then to think you fancy.. it's just different.. probably the impetus is attraction or the desire to have them think you are attracted to them.. but you have to admit that you don't talk to everyone that way.. not even every woman/man..
If you really can't get this I'd be happy to continue on PM but for now just trust me.. I am sure when you do flirt with people its very different to when you are just holding a conversation or being friendly.

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Well, the anger in your post aside, I just do not feel jealous when people I am close to do it. I look at it more as normal. If they truly wish to be with someone else, they have my blessings. You are trying to make it sound like I am clueless about conversing with people because I somehow incredulously do not see your jealousy as a valid concern. I think you misunderstand my position fundamentally. I view these interactions are normal. You look at people and make these decisions unconsciously. You may smile or beam more, and be more attentive to what someone says and they assume you are 'flirting' even if you aren't. People like to feel good so they act this way to feel good, not to 'hurt' someone. People who get offended by this are generally insecure in their relationships and view these actions as competitiveness.

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There is no anger in my post, I merely emphasised certain points in order to help you understand as you seemed to be having difficulties.. I confess I was surprised at your comment about flirting being akin to having sex, but it was only surprise or incredulity.
You clearly have your own feelings on whether flirting is ok.. I respect that, I do too but that wasn't the point under discussion.. I was saying that there IS a difference between flirting and communication. Factually this is so.. psychologists and most people will say the same.. the difference is usually that of intent.. and NO that isn't the same as s*x :P
I will say my friend that you should try not to bring personal comments into this. you talk about *my* jealousy.. lol seriously I am in an open relationship and I flirt as often as I wish :P However that isn't the point ... the point is, was and always will be, that flirting IS factually different to communicating they are NOT the same... flirting isn't even the same as being charming.. the intent is different.. unless you are saying you actually flirt with everyone you talk to, man, woman or child..
Please feel free to take this to PM

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I never intended to label you as a jealous person. Merely the defense of the opinion had that implication. I have no difficulties understanding the psychology. I have taken more psychology than many. You seem to be taking this very personally and attempting to deflect through personal attack. You are welcome to take this to PM if you wish and can remain civil.

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Rats, I just did a response and it got lost in cyberspace lol hate it when that happens..
MasterLee .. if you have as you say taken psychology, you know very well what you are trying to do here. Please know that I know too and I will always correct it. Firstly you should be aware that your posts did directly address me and accuse me.. the words "You are jealous along with other comments do in fact show that. So it isn't I who made this personal.. you did and you need to step back a bit, calm down and hold your hands up..

You also need to take a long look at what you said.. you were taking some kind of perverse inverse moral stance and using this arena as a platform.. But it was misplaced, because I never said that flirting was good, bad or indifferent, I ONLY, only, only said that flirting is different to communication.. there was never any need for you to jump on your high horse and rant about jealousy and s*x.. that was illogical!
You strike me as intelligent, and so you surely DO know that flirting and communication in this context are two different things.. and yes it is a matter of intent.. the intention we have when we are flirting is very different to a conversation with say our mother. I explained that.. I find it strange that you still chose to rant on implying that I was jealous and/or a moral prig who thought flirting was the same as s*x.. that was very misplaced.
I will do one more post here giving an example of flirting and conversation.. and how the two are different.. if you really cannot see that ALL I am trying to do is highlight that the two are different I guess we will have to take it PM

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If you wish to PM, do so. If not, I consider this closed.

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Apologies in advance to anyone who is bored of this.. but I wanted to offer an example of how flirting are very different, (although flirting is also *one* method of communicating too)
I went out to see a band in a pub with my boss and my son.. there was a guy playing guitar and boy was he hot! lol I flirted with him.. I used body language, eye contact, everything.. and yes he knew and he was flirting back.. his eyes followed me as I went to the loo and mine his.. I gave him that look, "I'd eat you for breakfast" and he gave me that look, "and I'd let you too" lol..

But of course I also looked and communicated with my boss, who I assure you I did NOT flirt with.. but I looked at him.. I smiled, I laughed and joked.. but see this was VERY different to flirting.. and the intention (don't forget @MasterLee that intention doesn't have to be acted upon.. )

I also communicated with my son.. and I think we can all understand that I would never flirt with him!

So my point was, and always will be here.. ONLY that flirting is different to merely communicating.. and it is about intent.. I wanted the guy to know I fancied him.. when I communicated with my boss I wasn't flirting.

We communicate with different people in different ways.. flirting is a means of communicating.. or part of a means of communication.. but it is a very specific means.. designed to show someone we are attracted to them.. that we find them desirable.. that is NOT the same as we use when we communicate with our son or our granny.. or the old bat who lives next door...
Do you see now? I didn't in this case say flirting was bad... it isn't, it's a basic means of men/women and women/women and men/men getting together in relationships and intimate encounters...

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8 More Responses

Only if its innocent.

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Flirting is fine to an extent, any further and no

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If it goes on more than a few minutes I snap my fingers and it stops :)

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Well you are the master after all.

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chuckle

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Yes, within reason. Some people are just naturally flirtatious. As long as they come back to you every night.

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I don't think it's okay to consciously flirt. If he says he isn't flirting, then he probably doesn't know he's doing it. It's probably just his personality.

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No because it's hurting you.. and assuming he knows this and continues to do it, it is potentially harming your relationship.

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Yes for research purposes!

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It's not bad in itself, but the thing is, once we're in a relationship, it's no longer just about us.



So if it is hurtful for you, then it's not OK. It's relationally damaging. And if he knows this, then he is making a choice, each time he does it, whether he sees it that way or not.



Good luck. I've lived this one.

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Jealousy kills relationships.

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True, but where is the line between irrational jealousy, and insensitive flirting? it's hard for us to know in the context of a quick EP question. We don't know far he takes the flirting, and how he treats her otherwise. So many unknowns.

The thing is, I guess, is that it has to be talked about, and both sides have to talk and listen. What's her real fear? is it the jealousy? Or a fear that the relationship is not solid. There may be other ways around this than just an ultimatum.

For instance, in my case, it bothered me that my wife flirted so much. But it was her nature. So we got around it by her making sure she flirted with me too - and that she reassured me that our relationship was solid more often.

but it wouldn't have happened, had we not been able to talk about what the real issues were, both mine in my insecurity, and hers in her need for affirmation (which flirting helped alleave.)

Ah, we humans are so complicated. But it's interesting to talk about, isn't it?

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Yes and this is why drive by opinions have no basis.

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Sure. Why not?

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not at all, you need to know your limits.

although, if they're your best friends, even if they're from the opposite sex, i guess then it would be because you know it'll never be anything more.

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its ok to be nice to people but to deliberately flirt with someone when you're committed to someone else isn't right. unless you and your partner are in an open relationship or you've both agreed that that's ok to do

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not at all :o

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No. That is not "committed" at all.

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