Does a person that was abused (in any way) have to forgive the person(s) that abused them so the one abused can heal?
25 Answers to "Does a person that was abused (in any way) have to forgive the person(s) that abused them so the one abused can heal?"
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I have never been physically abused, but I do know that I must let go of my resentments in order to move forward in my life. Resentments only hurt me - the people that I resent could care less!
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I don't resent them. I am unable to forgive them, to say "it's okay", because I don't think that it is.
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Forgive them father, they know not what they do....you don't have to say it's okay, you just have to let it go and not let it affect your life anymore
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Absolutely not. The weak of mind and memory say you must. But if you do you are effectively saying "Thanks for that by the way." Never forgive abuse, never. If you do they will think it's OK to keep doing it whereas they should be reported to the Police.
Better to be satisfied you did not give that person your permission to continue, which forgiving does. That way you can be proud and be a much stronger you. Do not listen to the bevy of fake religious freaks and pseudo psyhchologists. They do not know and simply parrot the words of the weak.
It's only a matter of timing as you could get up after the abuse and say "I forgive you. Thanks I needed that". As that is what forgiveness implies, no matter when it is given. It's not for real life, it'a a cowards away of dealing with it. Remember, always but also know that person is a bully and a coward and you can defeat them any time you want. That is true. At the very least instant repotrting to Police is defeat for them.Like (2)
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Unfortunately so many of us are told that we will be killed or our family is threatened or we are brainwashed into believing that we will get in trouble because it was our fault. Not nice, but none the less the truth.
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It's just more bullshit. The more they bluster and threaten the dumber they are and must be reported. Note everything they say as such threats too are crimes.
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Not at all. I think it is important to understand that they took no part in the wrong that was done. Too many victims take on the blame for themselves.
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OH MY GOD!! THIS IS SO TRUE. There is a part of me that takes all the blame and thinks that it was all her fault. Intellectually I know better, that we were attack against our will. But still need to convince her of that.
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Forgiving yourselves is far more important. It makes no difference to forgive the abuser, unless you still want them in your life.
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That is not for me to decide, but I am comfortable with you never forgiving that person.
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Thanks for your answer
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The abused does not have to forgive the abuser to move on, but needs to come to terms with the particular circumstances of the incident. You can dislike what a person does or has done without harboring feelings that are harmful to your psyche. When you have been able to come to terms with the incident and all its ramifications, you can move on and nit necessarily forget it, but put it in a place where it no longer has power to affect your life and happiness.
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Speaking from 4 decades of abuse from my mother, I can tell you that in my late 20's I tried to "forgive her", I tried to "confront her" the best I could about all she had done to me and to my life, she never even attempted to apologize, or take accountability, and in fact denied to my face what I know occurred between her and I. I have not reached a point in my life (at nearing 50) to be able to forgive her yet, I did reach a point to be able to attempt to set aside what she did, and try to have a relationship with her knowing it's limits, and knowing I could never trust her, but it's only resulted in more impacted pain from her continued years of verbal abuse onto me. I can say without doubt that I didn't carry her abuse into the generation of my children or grandchildren, but I do carry all of the pain she inflicted on me and I have not healed yet from it all. I think it's a matter of each individual person and what it takes for them to heal from their experiences.
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No they don't -have- to forgive them, it's a matter of personal choice. If you are able to forgive them, then that's good for you. If not, then don't feel like you have to. Anyone who tells you that you -have- to forgive your abusers is misinformed and has probably not been abused.
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u can forgive them but please stay away from them, don't give them a chance to abuse u again
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I believe you do. You aren't forgiving for them, you are forgiving for yourself. Resentment and hatred only hurts you. Forgiving doesn't mean you are forgetting what they did.
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I don't resent them. I am unable to forgive them, to say "it's okay", because I don't think that it is. we have split into many parts and one of the others holds the anger for us. I think most of us are afraid instead of hateful.
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Rubbish. It's saying it's OK. And it's not. Total weak kneed response.
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I don't think they "have to", unless they think they need too. It's up to the person that was abused, sometimes it's too hard to forgive and that's okay. But sometimes the abused person might say they need it because it helps them move on and become a better person. Or that's what i think, i've never been in that kind of situation, but everyone should make their decision for themselves. Do what they think is right.
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Hmmmm. Thank you for your answer.
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No.
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Good lord! Can't you ask an easier question. I suspect even the experts will disagree on that one.
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No. The religious will cave and forgive. Real people take appropriate action and have them locked awat where they find out what abuse is like themselves. Not hard at all.
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I hope that your statement above doesn't mean that I am not a real person because I didn't report.
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Forgiveness comes genuine. Is something a person do when is ready.
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If the person becomes ready
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Ah, bullshit. You forgive abuse do you? That effectively is saying you support abuse, giving permission. Dummy.
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Speaking from experience I would say no. My process to find healing was about me and my future, finding the strength to put it behind me and not carry it forward for another generation. My abuser died believing he did no wrong, how does that deserve forgiveness?
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I don't think it does. Thank you very much for your reply of experience.
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I would agree with that. Never forget it though. But certainly live your life. I favour a bit of therapy to talk it out. If you can find a good therapist, pretty thin on the ground.
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No, sometimes its unforgiveable
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* nods head *
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Exactly so.
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Shrinks say that you don't have to forgive them - especially not until you are ready to because you have processed your emotions. Then again, most shrinks are idiots.
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Oh, an expert on psychiatry are you? Yes, there are many bad and stupid shrinks, just like every profession. But find a good one and they will never advise forgiving the unforgiveable. Take you opinion and shove it.
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Strong words - did you notice that I studied this answer and realized that it was unbiased - it spoke that in iwantpizza's opinion that the "shrink" will try to tap into the (fire and heat of) anger of the abused and use it as a tool to temper all the other emotions. However iwantpizza then acclaimed that every profession has those that are less professional.
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I never actually verbally forgave my abusers, I spared one of them their life, but I felt I could move on without forgiving them. You have to do whatever "sits right" with you. good luck.
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Thank you. : )
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I don't buy into "forgiveness". I know bad people who rely on people forgiving everything they do, and all it does is enable them to stay the same. I believe peace is gained by understanding why some people are evil, and knowing you have done nothing to encourage or perpetuate it. But I don't see the reason to forgive and forget, people learn to be responsible through consequences.
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Agreed
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Some say that helps, but I personally never have. I've tried to understand what they were going through in their lives at the time, but forgiveness never came, and I've managed to make peace anyway.
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I am glad that some have been able to live instead of exist.
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Best Answer (Chosen By Asker):
Posted by TruthSpeaks71 Oct 10th, 2012 at 10:46AM
I wrote a post about this after reading the answers to someone else's question basically asking the same. Take a look here: EP Link#comment_8494431
we understand most of you being scared instead of angry. Alot of us are still scared of the people who abused us. And many still believe it was their fault. Even the most extreme things we were forced to do were not our fault. We were forced to do them. Even when it seemed like we had a choice, we never did. We do our best to treat everyone inside with kindness and compassion. And understanding. We're going to explain the same things countless times. And that's ok.
I wish you all peace and comfort.
Truth_Speaks
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Reply by 1greywolf Oct 10th, 2012 at 11:00AM
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Reply by TruthSpeaks71 Oct 10th, 2012 at 8:25PM
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