Does anyone here have a mentally ill parent? if so, how do you deal w/ it?
9 Answers to "Does anyone here have a mentally ill parent? if so, how do you deal w/ it?"
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I had a mentally ill mother. She had problems from the time I was six years old. Everything I am reading here sounds so familiar, especially blackarcher's post because, in her old age, my mother developed senile dementia and later, in her very last years, Alzheimer's. It is tough, as he said, to see a loving parent deteriorate into an angry, violent abusive person. It is also hard to have a parent who has been a real trial to you over the years become what you never, ever though that parent could become--worse! I watched my witchy mom turning into a violent screaming monster. It was hard for me to see it at first because she had always been so difficult, so domineering, so manipulative, so crazy. And because she was good at faking it for a long time, I couldn't get psychiatrists to understand. She would lie to them quite convincingly. and then gloat to me that she'd gotten the better of me. Sometimes she would even convince them that I was the crazy one and that I was making things up about her. Eventually, I was able to get her observed and treated by a geriatric psychiatrist and it made all the difference.
Here is what I wish I had done differently, for what it may be worth to anyone here coping with someone like this:
I wish I had rented a nanny camera (they were new back then but I could have rented one) and caught her on video so that I could have gotten doctors to take her/me seriously. She was, like many such people, an excellent liar. She would dress up, put on her makeup and use her considerable charm and convince them that she didn't do the things she did, even when I had medical records to show emergency room visits when she tried to kill herself. I needed a tape recording or a video recording.
Also, I wish I had known that, for crazy old folks, you really do need to take them to a geriatric psychiatrist. Regular psychiatrists don't get it; they assume everyone who comes to them is telling the truth. Geriatric psychiatrists know about people like my mom and their tendency to charm and lie.
And, although I know many would not want to hear this, my mother was so much better off when I finally, after years of struggle trying to care for her while working on a full time job (she had no money and was living in public housing), decided to put her in a home. She was lonely in her apartment. And she got observed in the home and then prescribed some medication that made all the difference to how she felt, as well as how she treated others. -
my mother is and she was very abusive and let alot of other things happen to me. she knows she has a problem she has been on meds and locked up for help but she refuses to admit anythings wrong. she even denies what happened in my childhood. i mean eventually i was adopted and to this day she says people stole us which is a way of putting it i guess. she had left me stranded before etc .i still have some what of relationship with her cause i understand but we bump heads alot cant be together for very long time. i treat her with respect because i know she has problems she was only 16 when she had me to but i will call her out when she tries to lie to me. she calls one day crying and next day mad then 3rd day she happy and i am just blunt person so when she falls i will say what now lol
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My mother in law is nuts. She made life hell for her kids, her husband, me , everyone who got involved with her. We knew she was sick , but she refused therapy. She would threaten suicide whenever she didn't get her way. One day she pulled her car into the garage and turned it on and then called everyone up. The cops were called and she even admitted she expected soemone to show up before she fainted. She survived but continued to be trouble even after the court ordered her to get therapy. We tried very hard for several years and one day we had it. She had a job, an aprartment, could support herself. Her husband divorced her, her family left her she lost friends, we were all she had, We finally had it and told her to get help. She hit rock bottom. She isa payhological liar, makes up stories and believes them, can stay monagamous, is a narcissist, and she's fine on her own now,She either had to do it or be committed.
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Although, its not quite the same thing, my father had Alzheimer's later in life. It changed him from the kind loving father I knew into belligerent, combative, paranoid stranger. The change was gradual at first so really didn't know what was happening and I thought it was mental illness.
Facing the irrational behavior and verbal assaults day- after-day while caring for him was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. So many times when he would say hateful things to me or get physically aggressive I wanted to lash out and fight back. But I couldn't because this was my parent and he was helpless without me. So everyday I would have to mentally prepare myself - I reminded myself that this was the man who had loved me unconditionally, nurtured me and given unselfishly of himself all my life and now needed the same thing from me.
Everyday before I got out of my car and walked into his house I swore an oath that no matter how bad things got I would be kind and patient. I asked God to give me the strength to do what needed to be done and to walk away when emotions got the better of me and made me want to raise a hand against my father.
I'd like to tell you that these mental maneuvers were enough to shield me from emotional pain and anguish, but that would be a lie. I coped, but just barely. Many times I had to leave because I was on the verge of losing it completely and hitting back when he hit me. Many times I left in tears - me a grown man - and swore I'd never go back. But I always did, because that's what you do for people you love.
Peace be with you. -
My mother has been depressed most of her life and consequently spends 99% of her time in front of the television in her recliner, watching TV, eating and playing computer games and sleeping. Its so frustrating because I'm dealing with the same issue but I don't get a free pass to lay down and sleep. I'm expected to do what she doesn't want to do and I'm on a suicidal edge. When I was in high school and dealing with health issues, aside from the depression stuff, it took her three years before I could get her to take me to the doctor (I was still a minor!). Talking to my older sisters who are 18 and 14 yrs older than me say she wasn't any different back when they were kids. She did the bear minimum and now that I'm older and going to work, she does nothing. If you're upset she'll buy you something, but listening and giving actual help, forget it. I just do what I have to do and hopefully be able to get out one day. I love her, but I can do nothing to help her, I can't even help myself.
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Yes- im not sure whats wrong with her, I think alot.
Iam also mentally ill because of how I was raised by her but Im seeing clarity more and more over the last 2 years and im programming myself to know "its not me", because she makes me feel horrible. I secretly treat her like a child when she starts crap with me, I'll say calmly " don't speak to me like that", at first she spazzed out feeling patronised but what else am I to do? I treat her nicely and equally when shes being nice and shes starting to learn subconciously- Im helping. If she gets out of control, I just get in my car and **** off! Sometimes we go out together in her car and she'll start being a crazy and theres nothing i can do but sit there and take it until she takes me back. Sometimes she'l just prentend she was'nt acting crazy and abusive a second ago which kinda ****** me off bt its better than it getting worse. Luckily now that im older she does not have the power to physically attack me. As a teen she would attack me and I would hit back as she had been doing it all my life and I had alot hostility towards her but she would call the police and make up stories or call friends and family and tell them i was crazy -
I thought all parents were mentally ill.
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Best Answer (Chosen by Voting):
Posted by noshadow Mar 3rd, 2010 at 12:38AM
Learn what the problem is, study it, you can then understand what to expect and plan how to react.
They love you, don't abandon them. It cannot rule your life, but you have to make time for them.
You must remember it is an illness, not somethng they wanted.
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