Resolved Question

Fair for a parent to disregard children because...?

They no longer live with you?

This arguement has arised MANY times with my mother and I, and no, I try not to be selfish or ask for much, and I am speaking mostly on holidays but any day for that matter... but it doesn't seem fair.

I tell my mother two things I wanted for Christmas, my new 60 dollar shoes and a camera (the one thing she gets me EVERY year) She tells me she cannot get my shoes, I said fine... I can wait a couple weeks after Christmas, no rush. UNTIL I find out my brother is getting a 200 dollar GAME (let alone the million other things she has already got him) and same goes with all my others. She tells me, "Oh I don't complain to my mother about getting me shit because I moved out, I don't expect hardly anything"

Its NOT the same I am not some 30 year old grown woman married with children and living far away. She KICKED me out when I was 12, and been living with family and friends since then, n I am 19 now. and I been staying with her past weeks. So, is it right? Opinions?

Thank you everyone, and I guess it is ok, I expected to hear some "harsh" things, and I cannot say they are true, in my situation, but it's only fair for one to assume because ya'll don't know the full story. But it's really whatever now, she has never treated me the same, black sheep kind of shit, so I am used to it but it just pisses me off. To the people talking about loving parents because some people don't have any, well sorry for them but I don't either. I have met my real father ONCE in my life, at his mother's funeral for a whole 2 minutes. And my mother has never truly been a mother in my life, never. Since day one I have been shafted and cut off and thrown to the side, and now that I am over 18 she just feels like she has a "good" excuse to continue those actions.

And everyone saying there are unanswered questions. Well here are some facts and answers: I AM 19, haven't lived with her since I was like 12-13, she through me out because she wanted to, she was "sick" of me. Apparently she couldn't handle raising a teenager, I was going through alot of struggles and she gave up on me. Never even cared. Told me it was my "attitude" all the time which is BULLshit because she never did a damn thing, she let her husbands and boyfriends run her life, always have. What they say goes. I have lived with very few times (and short times) since then for various reasons. I am 19 now and staying with her, not really living, but staying for a couple weeks, while I make a transfer from my aunt and uncles' to living with my fiance again. So those are the unanswered questions...

She does owe me things, almost whatever I want. Because I have been picking up her pieces for years now and trying to be the best daughter I can but when it comes right down to it, it never really matters to her.

But anyway, thank you everyone.

Posted 11 months ago

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starflower713

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It seems you are in a very similar situation to mine when I was your age. My mother decided that she felt "dead" inside and left my father. He wasn't the best communicator, but he loved us and would have done anything to work it out including going to counseling, which he hated. My mother then switched roles with me. I became the caretaker and she leaned on me. That was very difficult being 13 years old. It really messed me up for a long time. So I can totally relate to a mother who thinks of herself and her boyfriend before her daughter. She recently told me that I had not been a good mother to the two boys I had and therefore should not have any more children. I then reminded her of how badly she screwed up with me and she was in no position to judge my mothering. We have since worked it out and she apologized for her ugly and hurtful words. My advice to you is to go on with your life and learn to accept her shortcomings. I don't think anything you say or do at this point is going to change her. She is going to have to make the decision to treat you better and work on herself in order to accomplish that. We can't change other people's behavior no matter how badly they are hurting us. We have to find a way to be okay even though we are being hurt. I suspect she might even change a little if you start acting like it doesn't matter to you anymore. She defintely has some issues that she needs to work on and she needs to change, but she obviously doesn't see that right now. Maybe one day she will realize how badly she has hurt you and will try to make amends. We always love our parents no matter how badly they hurt us, so you can forgive her eventually and you need to do that for you so the pain and the anger don't eat you up inside. Don't forgive her for her and don't even tell her if you get to that point, but do it for you.

Posted 9 months ago

Other 18 Answers to Fair for a parent to disregard children because...?

Creamsicle	Posted Dec 3rd, 2008 at 10:01AM She doesn't "owe" you anything... not even shoes for Christmas, regardless of whether or not she got them for you every other year and regardless of what she bought for your siblings. It may not be fair, you may not like it - but thus is life. Rated: +5Vote for this!
Scoobs57	Posted Dec 2nd, 2008 at 10:45PM Well, for us we treat all ours equally as we can whether they live here or not. And no way would my mom (who passed away several years ago) not get something for her kids no matter how old we were. Rated: +2Vote for this!
rusted	Posted Dec 3rd, 2008 at 4:58AM Fair? I have no idea if she is being fair. You and your mother are both adults. You can do what you like. Creamsicle is right, she doesn't owe you anything. Remember this: Life's not fair and people don't act right. Letting a pair of shoes, a game, a camera or whatever stand in the way of the relationship with her is your choice. Rated: +2Vote for this!
FrenchSpaniard	Posted Dec 2nd, 2008 at 10:44PM No its not right but some parents are just like that.They treat one child great while the other must suffer.My parents are like that,alot of them are in fact. Rated: +2Vote for this!
mysticsovereign	Posted Dec 2nd, 2008 at 11:36PM B.Bebe - Ohhh, darling. I am so sorry that you are living this type of pain now. Regardless of your behavior or your mother's perspective on why you were "kicked out": You were a child! You were 12! Putting you out, without both of you getting help (counseling or whatever) was the responsibility of your mother. Not getting that help and putting you out was against the law. Then. But not now. You are now an adult. And, the many slights and fights between you and your mother over the years feel hurtful. I hope you find someone to nurture you. Not a lover - you will not get the healing you need there. I mean a mother; either the mother within or a mentor who will care about you. Bottom line, is your mother's behavior fair? No. Life is not always fair and you already know this. You are an adult now, and you can't be suprised by your mother's behavior toward you after all this time. If you are, or she goes back and forth, work to accept this (talk to a therapist, or journal, or come back to EP or all three) and move into more supportive relationships in your "real" life. Best of the future, and much love to you. MS Rated: +2Vote for this!
DaughterDestiny	Posted Feb 5th, 2009 at 5:58PM No I don't think it is right or fair but such is life. It sucks and if I were you I probably would have stopped all contact with her by now (but that's just me). However I read a lot and my latest thing is biographies and there are numerous stories of horrific abuse that, compared with your story, make me see that while you are certainly the victim it could be a lot worse. That said, I don't much like the sound of your mother, anyone who kicks their 12 year old child out should be jailed. The christmas present thing doesn't seem so bad to me probably because I, at 18, have always been the working class kid in the upper class elite private school so I am accustomed to receiving much less from my parents than what my friends received. The thing that gets me is not so much the materialistic value of the presents but the favouritism she is showing and the neglect. You are being wronged by your mother, neglected and uncared for. The presents, although nice, are kind of symbolic of the love one has for another. The fact that she is refusing to give you anything makes me question her values, morals and general attitude towards you. I'm sorry if I come off sounding cruel or blunt but I seriously do not like the sound of your mother. At face value her recent actions do not shock or horrify me but the meaning behind them strikes me as calculated, cruel and vindictive. Sorry but yeah that's just my interpretation of the issue. Rated: +1Vote for this!
ashleynjaros	Posted Dec 3rd, 2008 at 7:29AM get over it, if those are things you Need, be a big girl, get a job and get them yourself. If they are things you Want, be a big girl, get a job, buy them for yourself and be proud or yourself. Life is never fair, Some things never change and somethings never stop changing(including people). Rated: +1Vote for this!
weepy	Posted Feb 5th, 2009 at 5:58PM I am also 19 and do not live at home. Unlike you my mother and I were very close when I was younger, but ever since I turned 18 she has spent less and less time with me. I think mothers often reduce the importance of their children in their lives as their children age. I only visit my mother every 2-4 months now, so it makes sense that she would have to create a life very separate from my life, a life that does not stop when I visit home. My family is planning on having a very small christmas celebration this year with few gifts. What I have with my mother is the fact that we enjoy spending time with each other when I visit, and it sounds like that is the most important thing your relationship is missing. Not what you get for christmas, but a sense of love between you and the ability to be in each other's company. Your mother doesn't have to take care of you like she might an underage sibling. My sister who is in high school still certainly gets more attention and material things from my mother than I do. I think you should focus on the future of your relationship with your mother, not getting her to make up for what she did to you in the past. You have to decide if you can forgive her, and it may be that you can't. My mother had a very bad childhood and although she is now able to be civil towards them, she will never be able to peacefully spend more than a week in the company of her parents and will probably never enjoy spending time with them. Rated: +1Vote for this!
BettyValentine	Posted Dec 3rd, 2008 at 9:56AM It's not fair. And not right. But...what can you do? Are you the eldest? Because perhaps that could have something to do with it. I know sometimes my parents think i don't need as much attention or care as i get older, yet my younger brother still does. Unfortunately creamsicle is right - thus is life! Rated: +1Vote for this!
EricS	Posted Dec 3rd, 2008 at 3:49PM Some parents are dicks. It does not matter how old you are. Some parents just will not care for you as much as other siblings. I wish I could tell you why. She does not owe you anything, but do you really want anything from her? Is it worth it? Rated: +1Vote for this!
loveinu	Posted Dec 2nd, 2008 at 10:46PM I would gladly accept a gift if someone thought of me and gave it to me from their heart, I would never ask anyone for a gift... I would definitely feel hurt if my mom did not treat my sis and I equally.. :0) Rated: +1Vote for this!
Duana	Posted Feb 5th, 2009 at 5:58PM Hey I am a forty year old women and I get treated the same as if I were 15 by my mother in law at Christmas and so does my husband- and guess what? I will do the very same for my child until she is 99 years old! Go oout and buy this children's book for your mother. Wrap it up and put it under the tree. If this doesn't soften her (and you) up competely I do not know what will. (and after you can go out for hot chocolate with her, give her a nice hug and remind her that you really do love her): Love You Forever Robert Munsch "I'll Love You Forever" Rated: +1Vote for this!
rickibrat2	Posted Feb 5th, 2009 at 5:58PM to many missing questions, why did she kick you out at 12, there are some reason to me that would make that ok my dau ran away at 15 and i have had nothing to do with her sense not beacuse she ran away but because she took one item with her. i can even deal with the lies she told the system and all the problems that cause but till that 1 item is returned she will for ever remain on the outside she has her group of drug friends and that is the life she wanted for her self and her kids. she has now lost her kids and the funding she had control of for the one child, and will soon be getting out of prison for using her kids to sell crack Rated: +1Vote for this!
mamajill	Posted Feb 5th, 2009 at 5:58PM no you should get some thing and I would be more concern with a woman who abandons her kid at 12 I have three teens and would walk to the ends of the earth for them just do not understand that one Rated: +1Vote for this!
azurecrayon	Posted Feb 5th, 2009 at 5:58PM as ive explained to my 12 yr old, a parents obligation is to house, feed, educate, and clothe a child until they reach adulthood. those requirements do not include computers, video games, internet access, or even christmas presents. in our house, that also doesnt include $60 shoes, $20 shoes yes, but not $60 shoes. we do try to treat our kids equally, but we also take into account their age. the 12 yr old gets more expensive presents than the 2 yr old thats happy with a box. certainly once they are working adults, i doubt we will spend nearly as much on them as we do the ones who are still children at home. i wont pass judgement on the situation, since it seems there is a lot not said. things like the circumstances as to why you were removed from the house, how old your brother is, your mothers financial situation, why now at 19 you are living with your mother again and who is providing your housing and food and clothing now that you are an adult. overall, parents SHOULD be fair, but there is nothing that says they have to be. and familial dynamics are often very complex and cannot be boiled down to who gets how much for christmas. Rated: +1Vote for this!
LilAnnie	Posted Feb 5th, 2009 at 5:58PM Blazin, irregardless of your personal circumstances, the general economy is very very bad. The effects of the financial tsunami has yet to be felt by most people. but trust me, there is the possibility of very hard times ahead. Your Mom should not be buying expensive gifts right now if you want her to be able to ride out the economic storm that is probably coming. So stop thinking in terms of what you are "owed' or what you think you deserve. You don't deserve to starve either! (You get a camera every year!!! What did you do with last year's? I hope you took good care of them! You might need to sell them to help pay the bills) Rated: +1Vote for this!
silentvoices	Posted Feb 5th, 2009 at 5:58PM ...nice debate .. Well i think there is some missunderstanding in both or in mother daughter relationship, as we all know that the every where daughters have good and deep relationships with their mothers as compare to father, i did not know why we come out and blame our parents either mother or father that they did not fulfilling our desires, we always blame them that they did not do any thing for us.. i think this is not good and unfair , the things parents doing for us is uncompareable, as in this case friend said that my mother did not buy the shoes for her and many other things may be her mother have economic problem have short of money .. so we have to understand our parents too, we should put our self in their shoes too some time and let feels that if we were on their place what we can did.. . Parents are the best judge of their childern they know where they spend their money and with whome they share their time.. and they have right too to have eye on their childern becaz this their responsibilities.. is not a shame for childern that when they were young and did ont know how to eat and drink walk .. mother tell her eat like this talk like this walk like this.. why we childern often forget that when we were ill our mothres did not sleep whole nite they always worried about us when we come late home.. today childern when they become young they tell our parent did not know .. .. and they forget that these parents teach us how to talk and today we say that they did not know .. Did we ever think that what r the feelings of our parents what they think what they have expectations from their childern.. and in end childern leave them and then come out on father day and mother day.. with a cheap gift.. .. childern love their boy friends and girls friends more than their parents.. oh come on love ur parents they are our roots.. we was nothing .. .. mother and father teach us .. tell us.. teach us how to walk they really sufferd and suffering for their childern. and what we paying .. only blames .. demands . and due to some reasons if they did not fullfill our demands we start shouting that they r not fair with us.. do not forget thta " if u r a son/daughter today . u will be a mother and a father tommarow , if u will blame ur parents ur childern will blame u too in future.." sory if i said some thing harsh.. but ask those who has no paents . no mother and father.. we r lucky that we have mother nd father.. so respect them and do some thing for them.. in this age do not blame them.. because they have expreience as much as u have years in ur life.. God bless u always.. Regards Rated: +1Vote for this!
void00	Posted Feb 5th, 2009 at 5:58PM I don't think it's EVER right to disregard your children, until such time as they become adults anyway. Even though some kids might prefer it. Rated: +1Vote for this!

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Fair for a parent to disregard children because...?

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