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Please read first for more detail. At the end of a long day, just the 2 of you. Suddenly the ex is subtly, but undeniably inserted into the conversation. Yeah, there's a place and time for it by the standards for meeting 'maturity'. And feeling irritated by it can mean you have quite a lot of growing to do if you're playing the game. However, is it quite unusual to feel irritated at your spouse to assume that you were on some kind of 'need to know basis' about such matters? Would you feel that it was inaccurate for them to asssume that you might respond with an understanding smile and fondly recall the memory with them? I didn't care to know. I also find it quite irritating.
Needtknow Needtknow 41-45 12 Answers Jan 27, 2013 in Intimacy

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secure<br />
the ex is an ex for a reason

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Thanks.

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Start talking about big dicks! Lol and once he gives u that look you then say the same look u have I had the same look! U don't wanna hear bout dicks well I don't wanna hear about ur ex *****! It's reason y its called ex!

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If it makes you uncomfortable, say so. You're not required to be infinitely understanding, though it would be nice if everyone could be.<br />
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Think it through before raising the issue though. Is this really her issue or yours? Either way, instead of confronting her about her insensitivity or what-have-you, approach it as a request for her help, as in: "I need your help with something. I'm finding it difficult to control my feelings of ______ when you talk about your ex. If you could avoid bringing him up when _____ or _______, it would really help me to be more comfortable with things. I'm sure this insecurity will pass, but please just humor me for awhile," or words to that effect.<br />
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There's no need to pick a fight about it. Even if she has been doing it on purpose, approaching it like this puts you on the moral high ground and may make her re-think her own motivations without requiring a confrontation.

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Thanks. I'm sure it will pass too. We're all prone to it in varying degrees and I've worked hard to build mine. Also, insecurity. I'll work harder at that. If I build my own security more, it would be pretty hard to hurt even if was tested on purpose. Thank you. I will keep that template in mind and use it if the occasion arises again. Thank you.

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My own case is quite different. Not only do I not feel threatened by her ex, but we've hung out with him at her mother's house and he's still in regular contact with her and all of her family. He was a friend of her brother's first, practically grew up in her family, and after she divorced him they stayed friends. She pussyfooted around the subject for about a year, but the only thing that made me jealous was that. Once she came clean about the situation it was fine. I don't care if she sees him, she chose ME.

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When they talk about their exes when you didn't ask for their information then to me, they ain't over it at all but there are 2 diff reasons for it. They feel bitter and feel like they're comfortable talking about it with you or they still have feelings for them. Talking from experience.

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Yes! Which means that I have to redo where I stand and this is irritating to the extreme, but a part of life when nessesary. I just didn't want to have to adjust because it's a pain in the rear, but I see the undeniable. Oh well. No prob.

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I neva talk about mine unless I was asked and when asked I try not to badmouth them.

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Havent we all got history?<br />
And exs are exs for a reason?

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Yes and yes. And that status is always an option too.

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I guess it depends on your relationship at the end of the day. You know him better than we do?

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Yeah. Thanks. It's a little too old for myself after years.

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Good question. I don't know. Therapists say that all feelings are legitimate. Feelings, they say, are not right or wrong. I think what you are asking about is what is the mature, emotionally healthy way to react to your spouse discussing her ex. And I do not know. If you find out, let me know.

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Thank you. Absurdly enough, allow them to know how unnessesary the behavior is. I guess, standing by the feelings. They are there for a reason. To motivate one to make changes, even if with one's self. I'll use it to my advantage to build my security more and deactivate buttons that I've allowed to be pushed. That doesn't mean that the others behavior was not inappropriate. That's their issue. And in this particular situation at least I can work on and improve insecurity. It doesn't make anyone else right. It might even call more attention to it. It can be complicated to find the answer to this large button of mine that was pressed. I am confident that I can do it! Heck yes I can. I must. After all, I am the one that allowed it to be pushed in the first place! Thank you for taking the time to answer my question too.

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What a good attitude you have towards this. I'm routing for you.

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Thanks. Life can sometimes be complicated when most unexpected. Dang. There's only solutions. Not problems. Gotta love it.

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that I am the ex and not he

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