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I am a newlywed in my early thirties. I knew my husband had several issues that i had to contend with including a lack of family, good role models, and also a habit of calling me names and giving me the silent treatment for days. I ignored the signs and still married him in the hopes that he would eventually just grow up. Recently he has resorted to calling cruel things again (just minutes after after telling him that's crossign the line) He's so immature. I dont know what to do. I believe in love and marriage (sadly) and hate giving up. But he gives up easily, including a failed divorce after only 2 years. So frustrated, irritated, and sad Haven't talked to him in almost a week and no longer sleeping at home.
teachesofpeaches teachesofpeaches 31-35, F 31 Answers Oct 24, 2008

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This is a joke, right? Please tell me this is a joke...<br />
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There is NO WAY that the person who is supposed to love you MOST is demeaning you. There's a term for the type of relationship your describing - it's a Verbally Abusive Relationship. He's doing it so he can maintain control over you. Get counselling or get out.

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yep

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If he's going to act like a child, then you treat him like one. When he calls you a name, stop whatever the conversation is about. Instantly give him a "Don't call me names. That is disrespectful and I won't listen to it. Let me know when you want to talk to me again like an adult instead of a child and we can continue this conversation." and walk away. <br />
Even if it's a fight, shut down the conversation every time he calls you a name. Like a child or a pet he'll get the point with consistent repetition.<br />
And no, I don't believe in treating men like a child or pet in general, but when they act like that, that's another story.

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This is the best answer I have seen on this post! There is no reason to drop everything and get a divorce if you can fix the problem. There are men out there just want to have control over every part of their life, including their wife. This is not to say he is so controlling that he beats you or makes you a slave to him, however, verbal abuse is still a very bad thing. My husband has been doing the name calling thing for years and it used to make me cry and feel bad about myself. I used the same technique that Kilyra is talking about and it worked every time! When you shut the conversation down and look them in the eyes and let them see that it's not hurting you this time, it makes take a slit second to think "wth is going on". Then being reprimanded like a child brings them to a child like level and puts you back in control of the situation. Another question to ask after the hostility has gone away would be "What were you trying to achieve by calling me those names"? Was it satisfying to know that you hurt the person you are supposed to love so deeply? Repetition is honestly the best way to handle the situation because eventually they get the point that it doesn't serve any purpose anymore so why bother. Great post Kilyra!!

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yep

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Cut your losses, get the **** out and put this one down to a lesson learned. People don't change--once a pr*ck always a pr*ck--abusers will always be abusers--they never grow out of it--it is the only way they know.

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I have to agree with Dontask on this one. This is supposed to be the person who offers you love and support not verbal abuse. Don't take that kind of **** from anyone it is an unacceptable behavior meant to intimidate and control you. This behavior will need to be modified or you will need to move along leaving him behind to talk to himself for while. <br />
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My instinct is to tell you to find some one larger and meaner than him and ask them to step in and belittle him for while so that he can see how that feels. Typically, that is the language that this kind of person understands. But, that would only be stooping to his level... rise above!

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YOU'VE GOTTEN GREAT ADVICE from many EP members. Now you have a decision to make, and you know that you cannot go back doing the same things in your relationship, and then expect a different outcome. I WANT TO ADD ONE COMMENT AND ONE QUESTION: <br />
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COMMENT: Violence will always escalate without intervention (and your husband is currently verbally violent).<br />
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QUESTION: Other than love, what thoughts or past experiences brought you to the decision to marry a man who was unkind to you even before you tied the knot? We all have love for things that are not good for us (chocolate is one of mine), so excluding love - what prompted you to make the decision to invest yourself, mind, body and legally to this man? This is a question you might want to review with a professional counselor or therapist. I wish you strength and joy. MS

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My mother and father were both verbally abusive, to each other, and to their children. I have also been verbally abusive. With so much water under the bridge, it seems that my marriage is over. I haven't lived with my wife four three years. We have two children, so we are in contact with each other often. I have decided that I don't want to name call any longer, it is hurtful and destructive. My wife does things without thinking, that are very disrespectful. I tell myself that I'm not going to get upset on occasions that I have some kind of warning or a moment to realize that I am getting upset. There are times that she does things that catch me off guard. Sometimes we will talk about those situations later and she will inform me that I called her bad names while I was upset. I really can't recall calling her anything. But I know it's possible, so I give a half hearted apology. I'm doing better then I used to, but it isn't easy. I think the first step is for the name caller to realize that it is hurtful, destructive and has no possible good outcome. I don't believe it is necessarily a controlling issue, women always seem to assume we want to control, personally I have no desire to control my wife. It is more a matter of respect, for me. This knowledge helps me, because now that I know I want to stop name calling, I feel like a failure when I realize that I still succumb to calling names. At the end of the day I realize that my wife wants my respect, but she doesn't seem to realize that she also needs to show respect. That doesn't diminish my duty to be respectful, but it helps me understand why I occasionally fail. We are all works in progress, and we will accomplish only after we realize that we need to change. I do, how about you?

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Oh yes can I relate to this.. name calling is very very childish.. I've been ignoring my husband ever since he called me something earlier today..I literally turned my phone off..all because I wanted to take a nap cuz I've had no time too. He's an otr trucker too btw and I had his kids extra too. Likes to be controlling too I think he is...he's younger than me too and i'm gonna tell him he needs to change if he really loves me or he can stay away from me and i won't talk to him so he better straighten up..I'm not playing these stupid games...I've done everything for him and I guess I might stop now....see how he likes it....

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He is still a child. And treat him as a child. A child can be friend but a child can't be husband.

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Stop being so sensitive - he defiantly loves you and people the are manipulating this situation know nothing of who he is or who you are - love him more when he calls you names it would stop if he had no reason to get upset- maybe your bitching too much, that's what usually gets a man mad enough or stupid decisions in the past he had insight on but you never listened / Don't give up change yourself and focus on his happiness

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I know you are joking. You must be joking. I don't care how much of a ***** I can be there is never an excuse for this. It is a way to be controlling. If you feel like a fat stupid piece of **** then obviously you won't leave them or feel that you are worth enough that anyone else will want you right? You teach others how to treat you. The longer you stick around, trust me, the worse it'll get. This month maybe you're just a fatty, next month a stupid *****, then maybe it will get better and he will start saying some of it in front of the kids huh? Because women just love to be degraded and demeaned by insecure fools right? Well, hey, if you let him get away with that maybe a shove or two would be ok right? Sorry. Stick around long enough and you may get lucky like my mother on law and you can get tied to a mattress and set on fire. Bet that was her fault too huh?

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I just love the one answer to this. if they are gonna act like a child treat them like one. gotta try this my self. not that my hunsben acts like this, but there are times he can. gonna give it a try . :) never give up on someone u feel still has love in them.

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This is very difficult to read, I have been married 12 years and have 2 children 11 and 9. My husband has always gone through stages of been moody, giving the silent treatment and calling me names. It has got worse over the last couple of years calling me names like ***** all your good for is cleaning! I see no way out help!!

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See my above comment. By now it's a learned behavior and he thinks it's ok and you won't leave or make him change. It's an ugly cycle and I'll be the does it in front of the kids too huh? Mine too. But not for much longer. I record his rantings now on my cell and take pics too. Nope I'm not dumb enough to store them there though, I send them to my drop box and delete the evidence. This way, when the day comes, and I'm sure it will you will have proof enough that you can get the kids and a restraining order because he's likely to get plenty mad when you go OR if he does end up hurting you at least there's proof and he won't get away with it. But never let him know you're doing it or you may end up with nothing at all..

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Hey ladies you know a better question might be why does he call me names? hmmm lets see odds are hes frustrated with you and that how he lets u know that, and saying this will lead to worse kinds of abuse is nonsense, as I do this all the time when my wife disregaurds things I say or does things that arent so wise like blow money foolishly, yet I would never hit a woman no matter what. Now I dont swear at her or anything like that, just call things like 'ding-dong' or say something sarcastic like 'oh u r so sweet' when shes being a BLEEP lol, So its actually not that big of a deal ya know I mean cmon u cant take a lil sh1t talkin here n there?? then u just way too sensative and that is what is childish and only makes it worse. 1 more thing sweeties lol... If u have to resort to going online to look up strangers ideas and thoughts on YOUR relationship issues then maybe u r the one who is the immature one, I only came here beacuase my wife is on here doing this... kinda silly actually, but thats how they is. I hope she reads this as lord knows she wouldnt sit and listen to anything I say - as usual.

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I can see why she doesn't listen to you... You're an *** that thinks his sh*t doesn't stink.. Loll "sweetie" get your head out of your hole and wake up before you loose that same "sensitive" woman you sh*t talk.. oh and if she is on here that means she actually cares about YOUR relationship "ding dong"! If you want a rough neck then go be with a man.. lol Women are not built like that you BLEEP..

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I'm going through this now my friend. I have read the comments and stuff about what to do. At first I didn't take it serious until some ppl was saying things that I did and it didn't help. He knows carries a gun around and I don't know why but it starts to scare the hell out of me. I don't think he would do anything to me but you know all of a sudden a person start caring a weapon around? For what? We don't live together but he do have a key and I've been trying to get it back for the longest. I have arranged for my licks to be changed, I've changed my number as well. He never calls he always just text message. He's very jealous and controlling and also call me names. I haven't heard him call me by my first name since we met. Sigh......

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you cant get anyone to do anything that they are not inspired to do on their own. There is relationship counseling if both want it. this is verbal now, but, will only get worse & turn physical without intervention. get out & stay out & watch out!

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Iam sorry to hear that but he is a verbally abuser, and an abuser only gets worse in time if nothing is done about it. I sugest that you pray very hard, see a counselor, talk to your parents a good friend, do some thing about it but dont ignore it, promisse! I will pray for you!

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I agree with the other posters. If he doesn't want to get counseling, leave him. Did you know that verbally abusive people usually become physically abusive as the relationship continures?

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you can't. get out now before he starts hitting you. oh, yes he will ! i had a couple of "him's". they don't get better they just get worse. foreplay was a cussin and a beating. put me right in the mood. trust me- i tried everything, thinking i could show him i loved him and he would stop the b___lsh__t. nope. LEAVE NOW>> before it gets worse. i SWEAR you have no other recourse- PERIOD. and dont let the next man you find be the same way. i had 3 in a row! don't ask me how!!! i gave up men in 2003. i have dogs . peteyk

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id get away from them names really upset me

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I refuse to suggest that you shoot him! I'm not going to do it! Nope, no way! smiles

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You have been given great advice here. I would only be repeating what you have been told, but it can not be stressed enough: THIS BEHAVIOR IS A WARNING SIGN! Please make plans now and protect yourself. While name-calling may seem petty--after all, we've all been told, "Sticks and stones...." Please DO NOT let that lull you into a sense that it's not harmful, and do not think you are over-reacting or being overly-sensitive. YOU ARE NOT! I speak from experience. Those were all EXCUSES I used until it was too late! The verbal abuse, and that is what it is, did escalate to physical violence. I have the scars as proof. Fortunately, I lived to tell about it, too many women have not survived. I understand you do not want to give up, but it is much better to let your marriage become a statistic instead of yourself! YOU cannot change this man and he has proven he WON'T. You stated so yourself that he resorted to calling you cruel names just minutes after telling him not to. First, you shouldn't have to tell him not to, but you were unable to stop him, he hasn't stopped himself, and it will continue to escalate. Please do not wait around on that to happen, then it may be too late! I wish you the best of luck and offer my encouragement to you.

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