1. Go through his room when he's not home and throw away the drugs; of course you have no idea what happened.
2. Start becoming passive/aggressive yourself to fight fire-with-fire.
3. Dad may become concerned when his stuff comes up missing to pay for drugs, and you have no idea where those tools went either;
4. It's easy to disassemble electronics, i.e., TV's, game consoles, whoops don't work anymore? Dad may get tired of him breaking everything in the house and paying for it over and over, of course, you have the disassembled part somewhere safe correct and tell him to hold onto the broken whatever, maybe you can call in a repair guy when Dad is at work;
5. Vehicle? Those can be disassembled too, not to run, whoops no drug runs;
6. Shoes? Can be hidden, dog must have gotten to them, or son is so strung out on drugs he's doing crazy things like misplacing his shoes; no shoes, no goo-ey anywhere;
7. Dad buys expensive clothes for him and he's a lazy bum? A little whoopsie clorox goes a long way, esp. on those days he's been a real turd to you...bring the sweatshirt up and profusely apologize to the little angle for your mistake; do it the SAME day he treats you like garbage, so the dots connect, you want the dots to connect...but you're doing so in a passive/aggressive way (deliberately).
Oh, the list is endless.
You won't win the battle with the father, but you can truly be the evil stepmother he accuses you of being, and of course you want him to "wonder" if it's you or not, and of course, you're all innocent, just like he is, cuz Daddy aint gonna do anything about it to you either :)
Let the sneaky little brat get a taste of his OWN medicine. Sounds harsh, but again, sometimes you have to behave LIKE THEM for THEM to get it; otherwise, they consider you weak and easily played. Play them BACK, with a grin on your face, but of course you are innocent, just like them.
After awhile, he'll start getting paranoid (esp. if smoking weed) and this is when you can say it's karma, what comes around goes around, God works in mysterious ways and you feel so sorry for him, wow, he's just having a bad day, but you understand.
Flame away, but after growing up in a step-family, and having two of my own angels for 20 years, I've learned some lessons the hard way myself. They don't get "nice". And the Dad's don't always get it either. So you make them get it, without having the finger pointed at you...you have to play the emotional blackmail back. Make it fun with your creativity.
P.S. I was a great SM (key word WAS). They lived with us (twins) after DCFS removed them from their BM's...yes, I did disassemble some of their "things" so they'd have time for homework, yes, did hide their shoes (no sneaking out) yes, did throw away pot, yes, did ruin their prized sweatshirt on purpose, did it *iss them off, you bet it did, but they got the message, nothing else worked,, not even 2 years of professional counseli
That would be difficult to say.... you don't say why you resent him or what the problems are between you. In general, to harbor anger and hatred only hurts you and can eventually cause more trouble than you bargained for. It's always good to try to work something out or at least forgive and move on with your life.
You added the explanation while I wrote my first answer. After reading it, I'd say you have a really serious problem with your husband. He's taking no responsibility in the matter and should be standing by your and your girls side on this one. I can only say it sounds as though your husband is as immature and uncaring as his son . I wouldn't put up with it, personally.
"a lazy, sullen, irresponsible, and now drug-addicted mess who gets to live in our house rent-free."
Make him pay rent or kick him out.
"He disrespects me, calls me names and then says "Go ahead and tell my dad. He won't do anything about it" and "Haha, b*tch, I was here first!""
Wow, what a total ****! I'd hate him too! Tell his dad every word he said, every word. Tell his dada that he thinks his dad has no authority. Kick him out or make him pay rent.
"My husband and I have two girls, ages 8 and 10, and stepson does nothing but torment them until they cry and he DARES them to go and tell his dad because, again, "he was there first" and his dad won't do anything about it."
Do something about it yourself or tell the dad to. Torment the son and make HIM cry. Tell him what a worthless piece of **** he is, sounds like he deserves it. I would. If all else fails, tell your husband you need to move with your two girls temporarily until the stepson moves out so he does not torment them and negatively impact their development.
Easier would be to anonymously tell the police about him and have them find his drugs, get him sent to jail. he deserves it at this point. Not deserves, NEEDS.
"When I bring up my stepson's behavior to my husband, he says "you're both adults- handle it!"
This tells me your husband is a wimp and you will need to be the one to give discipline.
""and sometimes blatantly takes my stepson's side."
Over yours? RED FLAG!!! Possibly divorce...
"My husband divorced my stepson's birth mother when SS was 2 (his bio mom abandoned him, left him in a hotel room for three days with a known cocaine dealer). My husband spent almost a year fighting for custody of his son, and I genuinely believe he's so permissive and accommodating to his son because of the guilt he feels over the way things turned out with his bio mom."
Tell him it is not his fault what she did, it is HERS, and he is doing him worse harm but not letting him grow up. Also, understand the son probably inherited these bad genes from his bio mother, and he can't help it, but he may not turn out very well.
"How long do I have to pay for the mistakes that the woman before me made?"
Until you decide not to pay for them. Tell the dad that if he will not kick him out you are moving out. And if he does not take it seriously, he deserves his loss, and will grow to be a bitter old man(don't tell him that part though...he deserves the results if he will not kick him out) I really recommend anonymously tipping off the police and getting him in jail, and don't tell anyone it was you especially not the father or son.
"Where does the asskissing to my stepson end"
Where you decide to not kiss his *** EVER.
"when will my husband realize that there are THREE kids to worry about and not just one?"
When he becomes a man and realizes he has responsibilities.
You have a decision to make. You know what that decision is already.
Personally I would have called a halt a long while ago and I commend your patience. But both men believe you will put up with the situation, simply because you have. You need to either draw a line or decide that the idiot son will sooner or later end up in jail or dead on his own.
And just for the record, if your guy doesn't take your side in this kind of decision then I would be questioning that relationship anyway.
I also am having issues. I've been with my husband 12 yrs. His kids lived with their mom. At18 his son moved in with us. The deal was from his dads mouth you come live with us I'll get you a car you go to college and I'll pay till you graduate. Ok. So 18 he moves in gets free car
Starts college goes one semester quits. Goes back lives in dorm one semester didn't like dorm living. Quits moves back. 4 months later goes one semester quits. Its been 5 yrs. He's 23 has 3 semesters of college
He works 10 hrs a week at our store. Rest of the time he's in his room on computer. His dad pays him 100 a week. We pay for food clothes medicine whatever. He doeshis laundry that's it! I asked him to do someyhing he doesn't do it. I tell his dad he makes excuses and takes up for him. Says "don't you talk about my son'. If we argue 80 percent of the time its over his son. Its been 5 years. He's 23 spolied thanks to his parents and has no idea at 23 how to take care of hisself. I've tried over and over but its always a fight. I hardly even speak to my stepson. He's a lazy slug. We just ignore each other. My husband has told me don't make him choose him or me cause he'll choose him. My husband automatically goes off on me and takes up for him. Then sometimes he will say how lazy he is. So now this time college came up he told him either go back to colege or he would be working full time at store. That was 4 months ago and still he only works 10 hrs. Husband says he wants to teach him everything about the business so he can have it when we retire. The son agrees to it then my husband doesn't follow through. He does the least little bit he can to get by and rest of time he's sleeping eating out or playing video games. He has no friends doesn't go out and seems to love it that way. So after 5 yrs of this I'm ready to walk. I can't get through and tired of being the maid. I say don't leave dishes in sink he does. Just to **** me off. He's 23 going on 13. What can I do? I don't want to leave my husband but why should I have to do everything. I have to pay someone to mow our yard because he won't and my husband doesn't care so. Any ideas anyone?
I'm in the same boat. I found your post by searching "My stepson's mother is an idiot" and, when I read it, I had to register to comment to you! My stepson is a 15 year old twerp who's well on his way to being delinquent. He spent jr high sitting in in school suspension because he couldn't just shut up and stop heckling the teacher. He was actually suspended from school for 5 days this past year for HITTING another student. To top it off, he's probably going to get his girlfriend pregnant before they can get out of high school since his mom lets him hang out at her house until all hours of the night. He is so rude and disrespectful, it is UNREAL. My husband is a WIMP. He won't say so much as "boo" to him about anything. SS was living with us part time during jr high when all that started going on. I kept asking DH to talk to him, to go to the school and talk to them (because I don't think he believed me that it was happening as much as it was) and he never would. When he got kicked out I made DH call the school. He was furious (good!), he called SS and spoke harshly to him and SS just smarted off then had his mom call DH to stick up for him. "He's a good boy. That kid has been bullying the poor baby. He's been punished enough, you are never around, blah, blah, blah." DH went from going to take his phone away (we pay for it) to doing NOTHING. So SS spent his five days sending over 10,000 texts and posting on his Facebook wall from his phone. AND he won't speak to DH. I guess he's mad that DH even made him THINK about being punished. But he still expects an all expense paid vacation with us. Jerk! And my husband is a bigger jerk for letting him. I said "Are you seriously going to take him with us and pay for him to go when he won't answer the phone or return your texts?" and DH said "He's my son." Big whoop dee frickin doo. He's also a big whiney baby just like his mother. I'm so ready to walk out on this marriage. My vacation is ruined. I won't even get one good picture of me, DH, and the kids because his punk butt will be right in the middle of it. Grinning like a madman because he's conning us all. Every time my husband is home for any length of time I worry that he will want to bring SS over here. I can't stand him. My blood literally boils when I think about him. We are raising three kids of our own and we don't let them act like SS does. DH would beat them senseless if they got kicked out of school - so I hear you about wanting to scream that he has OTHER kids to worry about. We've tried with SS, he just wants handouts, he has no interest in being bettered. I say throw in the towel and enjoy our life together. Let his trashy mother continue to raise him, she's done such a *fabulous* job so far. I'm so tired of hearing "He's my son." Which really just means "I'm a limp d*ck wimp."
The issue is really that your husband doesn't want to address the issue of his son. There is resentment for both your stepson and husband. Since your hubs only ignores the issue, the question becomes whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with this issue.
I was married and had a stepson; when my husband did his thing, I felt like I just received my "get out of jail card," and I used it. I won't get involved with someone who has kids, so I know EXACTLY how you feel.
Only you can answer your question, and only with as much time as you need. Good luck, dear.