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I'm very family-oriented, and I respect my parents, but I am an adult now (21 years old) and can make my own decisions. I've met a guy online and have been talking to him for a few months now. We really would like to start dating, but I'm really nervous about it because of how my family would react and I don't want to have to lie about how I met him, etc. My sister and mom already found out that I've been talking to someone online and think that I'm a liar since I won't talk about it, and that I'm desperate for a relationship since I talk to people online, which isn't the case at all. I can't help how I met the guy! I feel like I'm trapped with this issue since I still live at home and can't afford to move out. I want to do something for myself and make myself happy, but not at the expense of my family hating me.
GuitarGirl19 GuitarGirl19 22-25, F 13 Answers Sep 16, 2012 in Struggles

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Sit down with your parents and have an honest conversation. Start with your mom and dad and not in front of your siblings. Explain to them how you feel, but approach the conversation with an open mind. in order for them to have your respect at 21, they must have demonstrated some wisdom and discretion to you. Being adult isn't just about making your own decisions, it's about taking on the responsibility of those decisions. I think you may be surprised at how well a conversation with your parents will go if you approach it like the responsible young lady you appear to be. Good luck.

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thank you for a better answer than I could have made

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Always follow your guts. Do not bow to outside pressure.

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My parents are deceased so I will speak freely. My parents were protective of me when I was growing up. I was their only child. When I met girls and liked them I brought them home with me. My parents met all of them but they never said they "liked" any of them.<br />
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I am the only one left so I have to make my own decisions now.<br />
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Tell your folks you want to talk to them about something VERY important to you. If they will listen to you and take the time to "hear" what you say tell them how you met your guy and how you feel about him AND how he feels about you. If they hear honestly how you feel and they are the kind of parents I think they are they will want to meet him for themselves. If they want to meet him invite him to come to visit. It is only after they meet him and have a chance to hear for themselves how he feels about you that they can really say if they like him and would be OK if you and he started dating.<br />
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The important thing here is that your parents lay aside their desires for your life and hear from you first hand what you want for your life. My parents never did that for me and in some ways it made my dating and romantic life very difficult.<br />
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I hope this gives you some guidance and a different perspective of how to talk to them about you want for your life!<br />
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Good luck young lady!<br />
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Your friend,<br />
Nakednfree

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Depends on how your folks see this relationship.... if you are happy then go with the dating... be honest ya mum may think your hiding online with a married man... <br />
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This desperate issue has nothing to do with it... you are allowed to have feelings for some one... <br />
Just be respectful to your family and they should respect your decisions...

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Would they really care how you met if the person is a good person who will treat you well? Or is it that they do not think you should be dating someone you found your self? As sad as it is for me to save this sometimes we have to make decisions for ourselves because at the end of the day your parents will pass away your siblings will find mates of their own and move on and do you want to be alone or with someone you are not happy with?

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I think they'd love him if they got to know him, but since meeting someone online can end badly sometimes, I know they'd judge him right away. That's the thing that would bug them, not necessarily that I found someone on my own. I agree with what you said about making myself happy, but I'm just having a hard time getting the confidence to be more independent with decisions like these.

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You'll make the right decisions at the right time, girl!
Nakednfree

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I think that is something you are going to have to do if you think this person is worth it. Make sure you go about meeting them in a manner that is safe if you do decide to go for it...there are unfortunately alot of scary people out there. And if things go well good for you if not then hopefully you will have learned something from the experience and be proud of the fact that you are growing up and are capable of making decision's on your life and also dealing with the consequences of those decisions

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The decision to meet this person is going to have to be made by you alone in the end as much as we all give you advice. If you do decide to go ahead and meet the person you met online make sure you do it in a safe manner there are unfortunately alot of scary people out there. A part of being an adult as you probably know is being able to make hard decisions so if you think this guy is worth it and take a chance if things work out good for you if not hopefully you will have learnt something for the next time and at least you can be proud that you were able to take a stand and make a decision for your self.

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I guess it depends on which you want more. Do you want to be with this guy? Or do you want to make your family happy? Being with this guy even if your family doesn't approve doesn't mean you hate them or that they'll hate you. It means that you're making your own decisions for yourself, since after all this is your life.<br />
And since they're family, I would think they would love you and support you no matter what your decisions are. That's what family is for. ^_^

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I would hate to actively encourage you to be deceitful, as this wouldonly breed more mistrust. You are an adult now- capable of making your own decisions, but your family probably still see you as a teenager! <br />
they obviously dont know much about social networking and have listened to all of the horror stories and are scared for you. You have to prove to them that you are mature and responsible and are not taking this lightly. best to play in down and let them know there is nothing to be concerned about.<br />
Agree to meet him if you want to, but take every safety precausion- meet in a public place, let people know where you are, have emergency numbers on speed dial and check in ever hour to let soemone know you are okay. leave alone and have transport home immediaitely available. <br />
Be mature in how you deal with it and the fuss will soon die down, I'm sure!

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If you truely, can't afford to move out, at 21 years of age, you need a change, in your lifestyle, or your short term expections, of your living standards.<br />
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You should be that they worry about you. They may not approve of what you propose, but they will not hate you for it. Be extremly careful. They don't put 21 year olds on milk cartons.

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I can't really change much of my lifestyle at the moment. I can't really get a job. I need to focus on my grades to get scholarships/grants for school because I don't come from a lot of money. Even if I could get a job, I'm going to another school in January. Most places wouldn't want to hire someone for just a few months.

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If you're old enough to make your own decisions, then you're old enough to stand up to them. Plain. And. Simple.

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And move out too.

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yes well, that too, but in reading over the story again, I have to wonder why her family would "hate" her . I wonder if her apprehensiveness is not so much as what they will think, but if there has been some past abuse there in the past. There seems to be an underlying fear here.

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I can't afford to move out. I don't have a job because I need to focus on school for scholarships/grants. I don't come from much money. And there isn't any abuse in my family, although my dad has a bad temper and a history of bipolar disorder - he's never laid a hand on any of us. I just care what they think of me.

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Hey :)<br />
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Well, firstly, it's nice you have found someone you really like and care for, I am real happy for you ;)<br />
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Secondly, you have kind of answered your own question. You're 21 and old enough to make your own decisions. Yes, you still live at home, but living at home doesn't mean you pass control of your life to your parents. It just means you live there. Some people live with their parents at 30, but I doubt the run past potential dates with their parents before they agree to date them :)<br />
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Older people don't trust the Internet - they read the media, the news and watch those TV shows about how the Internet is full of horrible, sadistic sexual murderers and think that's all it is. They just don't understand that out of the possible 2% idiots, there are some nice people online. <br />
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I think you just need to reassure them. If you want to start to date, if it's online, you can't really get into any danger. The only issue is when you meet. So, if you get to that stage, agree to meet in a public place and tell your mom that for the first time, you'd take a friend or even your sister or someone, so you wouldn't be alone. Also, let them meet him. It would put their mind at rest. <br />
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I don't think you need to move out and I doubt they hate you. I think they will just be concerned, so put their mind at rest, explain you're being sensible and covering all ba<x>ses, and I am sure they will be fine. <br />
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For the record, I met my gf online and we are very happy, she's actually moving in soon. So, you just need to be sensible <br />
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Good luck x

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He just recently referred to me as his gf, but we live 2 hours apart. That's part of the trouble - planning our date. It will be in a public place, but I'm a homebody and I don't drive much, so I don't want to get tons of questions if I suddenly want to borrow the car to go out... =(

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aw ok, well that is ok. 2 hours isn't too bad. Me and my gf are 3 hours apart and we have coped for months :) For our first date, we agreed to meet in my home city, she took the train in and brought her best friend and I met her at the train station and took my best friend and my cousin with me! We went to see a movie and went for pizza, it was nice. After a couple of hours, knowing I wasn't meeting an axe murderer, my friend and cousin left us and we spent the next few hours just walking about the city. Nobody in my family or my friends didn't worry then, because they knew she was ok. It's all about resting their fears and making sure they are happy. Well, you could ask your mom to go with you maybe? I mean, once you have met up and gone for coffee, she doesn't have to stick around with you all the day :) but just initially. It would put her mind at rest

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I have been the Devel's advocate; now I will be yours. When courting my wife, we lived 100+ miles apart (2 hours) I wore out a new truck the 3 years I ran back and forth every day I had off, and some times in between. We have fond memories of our adventures. Just be safe!!!

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Hmmm. You are a mature person and must make your own decisions. One of life's lessons is that you 'cannot please all of the people, all of the time'. Weigh up where your future lies - are you always going to put what others think above your own values? By all means take advice and heed it, if it is good, but don't let other people's perceptions rule your life.<br />
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Pick the right moment to tell your family that you are going to date someone you met online. Don't hide it - they'll find out anyway. If you have been taking to the guy for along time he probably is genuine and they should respect your wishes to meet him. <br />
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Good luck, too

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It is tough - ask them to reserve judgement until they meet him

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Should I tell them right away that I met him online, or just try to avoid telling how we met until they get to know him? I know that giving a story then telling them later how we actually met would make me the liar they already think I am. It's really difficult.

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