My friend suspects that her children were molested, but she can't get it out of them. They won't tell her. How can she get them to confess? 1 of her sons is acting out in school because of a "girlfriend" & he's only 9. & the girl in his class has been touching him supposedly because her dad has been supposedly molesting her. & this same man supposedly molested my friend's daughter too, & she wants to put a restraining order on this guy, but she feels like it would be unfair to do that without knowing the actual truth. All the kids are in denial. & the boy is 9, going on 10 & already in 6th grade (b-day in October), & the girlfriend is 10. He & the girl are both in gifted classes. He's been frustrated & grabbing himself a lot, & my friend said this just started. The "girlfriend's daddy" is suspected to be trying to teach them how to be in an adult-like relationship, instead of kiddie bf/gf. How can I help my friend? I'm 26. I don't have time for games, & I'm not making up stories. I'm going by hear/say.
otad12 otad12 26-30, F 8 Answers Sep 13, 2009

Your Response


You said it Roarke. I agree wholeheartedly on every point.

And such care needs to be taken at every step.

Because if the occurrence of the boy touching himself happens to be coincidental (Many boys are beginning to feel a strange weight in their penis at that age and wondering what it is) then the whole thing may be just paranoia...

But perhaps not. I certainly don't like the way all of the circumstantial evidence is pointing.

There can be elements of shame involved due to the kinds of things said to children by their abuser. Things deliberately calculated to induce such shame and guilt that the chil/ren feel unable to talk about it. Especially with a parent or others close to them.

The child/ren naturally want the approval and unconditional love of the people in their lives and those circumstances put the child/ren in a moral dilemma which can paralyse their ability to act appropriately.

To me, that's one of the sickest aspects of what paedophiles do to children.

Such deliberately malignant will is offensive to every fibre of decent humanity.

Often there are material inducements provided by the abuser. This is done as a means of instilling the idea of willing participation in the child/ren. And, I believe, to provide the abuser with an excuse.

This loads the child/ren with even more shame.

It may be that nothing you can do will get them to open up.

But counsellors who are trained in the skills necessary to uncover the truth in a non-threatening manner may be able to help.

But then forcing them to go to counselling may make them believe that their parents think there's something wrong with them.

It's a tough one.

Thinking about it, I might be inclined to provide the child/ren with excuses or reasons not to be around this person. But in a way which does not allude to any perceived misconduct on the child/ren's part.

Then watch closely to see if they show signs of relief.

That would be a big indicator in my opinion.

Then, perhaps make some excuse and all go to counselling together- As if it's just a normal thing to do.

Maybe it would get the ball rolling...

But whatever you do, definitely seek professional advice.

And most importantly, don't push them or force them.

I send you my prayers and wish you the very best of luck Otad.

Best Answer

hearsay. wow. that's not a lot to go on. there's a chance the kids are simply telling the truth. you could ruin a person's life by accusations like this. don't want to sound cynical, but these days, any woman with a vendetta knows the best way to ruin a man is with these accusations. he will be guilty until proven innocent. on the other hand, if he is doing inappropriate things with these kids and he's already worked them enough to where they're afraid or ashamed to say anything, you'll need to nail him 100% or he'll cover his tracks and walk away to his next victims. just remember, you yourself said it's hearsay, so you have no business trying to influence the "truth". i'm sorry, but i can't help but notice how this all started because your friend's son is acting out in class. where's HIS father? maybe your friend is in denial about her son. 9 (almost 10) is rough on both a mom and a son without a father around. it's actually pretty normal for a kid his age to act out some. it's also pretty normal for a mother not to be ready to deal with it. don't ruin someone's life because of hearsay that the kids are denying anyway.

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with love and patience.. IF these kiddies have been in the situation you have discribed, the molester will have threatened them with some horrible outcome to them.... have a doctor check them over.. if there is evidence of something wrong he can help with the authorities.... if it was my children I would keep them close and safe .... good luck.

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You have to make sure the kid feels NO guilt or repercussions for telling the truth-- but the bigger thing, to me is WATCH THE KIDS!!!! SUPERVISE them!Tell your friend to make sure they are NEVER EVER unsupervised or alone with another adult she doesn;t trust. Explain to the one not to 'grab himself' in public and keep him away from his supposed "girlfriend" (at NINE, c'mon!!).

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