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I have a friend that I write to. He tries to be detached emotionally for the most part. I couldn't make it to an event he invited me to- I had a very good reason and he said it was ok if something more important came up. Now he is being a little short with me in his writing, which is not like him. Should I ignore this and wait for him to return to normal, try to force honesty, or just take his word for it that he isn't affected by my not being able to make it. I don't understand men! I wouldn't hurt him for the world, but he is full of contradictions! What do the men say out there???
Vessa Vessa 41-45, F 10 Answers Nov 13, 2009

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i don't have an answer for you, but men seem to avoid confrontation. my husband and i have been married for going on 40 years, and he still won't tell me when he's mad at me. he acts just like your friend, short and he won't admit he's mad. men. what a strange human being.

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People are full of contradictions. I can say " I really don't need a present for my birthday" but that doesn't mean I won't be disappointed if I don't get that box of chocolates. Just a little. Right?<br />
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What's so hard to understand?<br />
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He invited you, you didn't come, he's disappointed, even if he rationally accepts your explanation, his feelings may say a different thing.<br />
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How do you think you can "force honesty"? You'll probably just annoy him.<br />
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If you value your exchange of letters, be nice to him, make it up to him, and he'll probably come right.

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I say your overthinking this. If you try to force things out of him it may just push him away. Let it be. Be cool about it and see what happens.

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well most of the time with my boyfriend he spaces out and gets really quiet

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I think you're being too hard on yourself, and trying to take responsibility for this man's state of mind with insufficient information. There could be any number of reasons why he is being like he is. All kinds of things could be going on in his life that are nothing to do with your relationship with him. Stress tends to have a blanket affect on your life, and leeches into every area, even places where it has no business being. All you can do is ask the question and assume he is being honest with you.<br />
Also, some people are inferrential communicators, and some are literal communicators. This sometimes causes problems in relationships. One partner may infer some information, and the other takes it literally, or vice versa. Hey presto, divided by a common language! (sort of).<br />
Probably best to wait and see what happens, and to remember that you are NOT responsible for how he feels, he is. This is not an excuse to treat people like crap, it just means that even if you treat people as you would hope to be treated, they still sometimes find a problem with it, and it really is their responsibility.

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Passive aggressiveness in dudes, is super-common - even defining, especially in younger guys. I know when im dissapointed I do the same thing - short and uninterested. I'd like to think it was something we grow out of, though if my dad's anything to go by, im not so sure it will happen for everyone. Perhaps, and this is being really cynical - he's the kind of guy who's used to getting what he wants - and will sulk if he doesnt - by withholding affection or even attention? Perhaps just make it clear you actually want to meet up with him, maybe even organise it yourself, if he still carries on - he needs to grow up :)

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Well it all depends on various factors:<br />
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-were you tuned in enough to know if this event was of great importance to him ? did you check with him afterwards ?<br />
-had you promised to go or was it a "possible attendance"? <br />
-were you maybe "just not in the mood" ?<br />
-is "the friendship" really not all that connected/deep that you just keep to writing and not meeting up ?<br />
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Men although a bit emotionally aloof at times, can read between the lines, sometimes rightly sometimes wrong, talk helps.<br />
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and your response now is kind of unforgiving calling it "passive aggressive" if you don't mind me saying.<br />
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For me a golden rule in events is, first come, first served, even if the newer invite is "more important" or fun, it's about priorities, a basic rule anyone can understand.<br />
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Maybe he's that simple too.<br />
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Hope you find a way out.

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Your friend's passive aggressive behavior sounds like he is a little disappointed you couldn't make it to the event. That's OK but, it's just human nature, so long as he does get over it before too long. He's a guy so he's probably not going to want to talk about it, he'll just be moody towards your for a little while then get over it. If he can't get over it in a reasonable time fr<x>ame, then maybe it's time to bring it up and "try to force honesty" as you said.

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