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I'm bummed caz he's sadly quite similar to the emotionally abusive father ive. We have been in an on and off relationship past 4 years. One thing is clear that we really love each other. But we have issues he has them with anyone asking him (too)many questions (he terms it nagging) and I'm scared off by temper. He works at big place and has alot of commitments in his career and his family. The problem starts with the fact that I'm scared of him. I can never predict his actions and reactions. He gets abusive when angry and it scares the day lights out of me but I stay calm and don't argue. We plan a future together and I want him to know how he makes me feel. I want to work on our drawbacks and not breakup. I'm currently hunting for a job and plus I feel inadequate infront him and his high qualifications. We are in a long distance and starting such topics usually req. time which he barely has. I really love him and want him.
paulvera paulvera 22-25, F 16 Answers Jan 30, 2013 in Long Distance

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I'm sorry, but this whole thing sounds like an effing train wreck. You're asking for advice on "making it work," when it is so obviously NOT workable. If you just read over what you've written here, that should be plain as day to you.

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I know you don't want to hear this but it will not get better. Sweetie,seriously,research domestic emotional abuse-sadly you can't alone 'make it work'. It takes two.<br />
That said,I know that you won't leave him till you're ready. Till you really know it for yourself. I understand not giving up love easily no matter how flawed. I've been there-twice unfortunately. Take care eh :)

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Thanks for understanding ! It means alot.

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Why is it that when _I_ find women willing to put up with abuse, they always want to tell me how to abuse them?<br />
<br />
*sigh*<br />
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Seriously child, your boyfriend is an ******* and any long-term relationship with him is likely to end horribly. I know I "shouldn't" call a grown woman a child, but you're acting like one so it fits.<br />
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The anger is a HUGE red flag, especially if it's triggered by you asking questions. The only reason for getting so annoyed about it is if he's got something to hide. I can see not being in the mood, but going ballistic about it is suspect. He's probably ******* around on you. Either that or he's lying about other things.<br />
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Lose that piece of **** and get some counseling.<br />
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You're obsessed with him, not in love, and it's likely because of emotional scars left over from your upbringing.<br />
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You can cling to the soul-destroying drama of it all and end up dragged down, beat up, demoralized, broken and alone in 5 years, living in some woman's shelter and wondering how you could ever have been so stupid, or you can get some self-respect and ditch the moron.<br />
<br />
He ALREADY KNOWS how he makes you feel. He counts on it and gets off on it.

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Your answer is blunt and I agree to it.. I'm angry too ! I'm hurt.. But from where I come from most men are like this. Be it my father or this guy or an ex. We women are their properties and we are their pride. So I sometimes feel what if I meet a bigger jerk in the future !

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If that's true, you need to get outta town.

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I wish it was that easy but lets say I need to leave the country !

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So do it. I don't believe you though. Just because every male you know is an *******, doesn't mean there isn't someone you haven't met around who isn't. Whatever you end up doing, I think you should take a self-defense class and/or some kind of confidence training.

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break it off<br />
or<br />
deal with it<br />
be incontrol over him<br />
or<br />
do councilling togethr?????

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I'm not sure what culture you are a part of, but from your replies to the advice you've been given here, I don't think anyone here can help you. <br />
Seriously, in most cultures, the guy would have been dumped a looong time ago. Since it is almost a taboo for you to do that, I think you should ask a trusted friend, or your mother or aunt for this advice. If they too have been putting up with it for so long, they will have answers. Although you may not like the answers you will get, they will be in keeping with your cultural beliefs. <br />
If you don't agree with it, you can rebel, but that too has it's price.

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The women I have grown up around have put up with the same. I dont want to be with a man like my father and I hope you do know the depth of that sentence. But sadly my boyfriend always seems to empathize with my father. However Im confused if he really does empathize with him or is it cause he misses his own father (who passed away couple of years back). Either ways honestly I can tolerate his temper to some extent cause I have grown up dealing with worse BUT I CANT TOLERATE HIS EMPATHIZING WITH MY FATHER. It infuriates me and makes me hate him. I always dreamt of a man who would take me away from my father but my boyfriend is always trying to explain to me why I should deal with my dad and blah blah.. Maybe I sound like a kid but I dont want the guy I marry to like my father I want him to hate him just as much or more than I do and protect me from him and make sure he never raises his hand and voice on me. But sadly I have fallen in love with a guy who doesnt have a dad and whatever poor excuse of a father that I have he seems to feel its a big deal. Even writing about this is making me angry.

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Read my lips..
YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM.
You either love him and accept him as he is, or you go on.
He will also get worse after you are married, if you make the mistake of doing that.
All the answers here are honest answers. We can't all be wrong about this.
I feel like you are frustrated because we aren't telling you what you want to hear.. whatever that would be.
I have a feeling that you already know what you need to do.
Breakups are incredibly hard, but you really need to quit cold turkey. Just stop. No more on and off.
If you choose to keep this up, then you do it at your own peril. There is no way for this relationship to end well.
Youn are an adult, and you know this, whether you want to admit it or not.

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well frank enough and i could be incorrect. looks like you are questioning either your safety or soundness of mind. it either comes across like he really wants sex you cant give him but you can give him a fight that works just as well for the both of you but you wonder about the definition of domestic violence as does he and how you come across and might come across to an offspring. heres what you can do, search the net for every article about science explaining sexual intercourse and cover your *** take the article to an all path or osteo tell them whats going on take him with you and seee what they say because next visit they are gonna ask about domestic violence in the home anyway and you dont wanna look like a liar, so be honest and if he wont go, he is scared.

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My dear don't hit the brick wall with your head....get out of that relationship while you have the chance. You're not going to have the opportunity to improve yourself. People like him needs to live alone. Being with someone should show respect, understanding, trust and love........not to live with fear, intimidation and dominance. Don't looked down on yourself.........have that edge and feel good.

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End the relationship. Thank goodness you're not in the same location.

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yell back, get in his face, blow up. then about the time he gets the shocked look say now you know how I feel. <br />
Of course, he could just kill you if you won't take his bullying.<br />
I don't see where you have a relationship to work on here. Ya, lets start our life with me afraid of you, every time I want to talk, you sceam me into submission. Sounds lovely.

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I know you are laughing at me. But walking out on four years that I've given to this relation is a bit hard. He's calmed alot in all these years but as the time to move ahead in the relationship is coming Im feeling scared.

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No sweety, I am not laughing at you, I am in fear for you. Yelling back was a serious comment or suggestion, and the potential response was my after thought. Anyone I have ever seen do this, it is because they are bullying plain and simple. There is no other excuse for it. There is a slight chance, show him how it looks from your end, but by the same token, he could go over the edge on you. Were you my daughter, I would be scared to death for you.

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Well thn I wish I had a father like you who gave a damn about me.

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I wish you did too, one who would sit you down and tell you how a love should be and that he would rather die than see you unhappy. That you were the love of his life from the day you were born, and who ever won your hand would have to be a hell of a lot better than your selecting.

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I was reading a news story about a girl who was denied by a judge going back to her sbusive boyfriend who had shot her in the head. She wanted to go back to a guy who had shot her in the head with a gun.<br />
My only real concern in such cases is that they don't breed and force more degenerates on society.

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